Quick Review: Gemini Man (2019)

As we're about to find out, technology can only get you so far.  This...

A Government Sniper (Smith) decides to retire after he nearly/possibly could have injured a civilian.

We can't have something *actually* go wrong, of course, because Will Smith.

However, he asks one too many questions and is targeted for death, alongside his new Handler.

His Spotter has like 3 lines before he's killed.  Is he a Poor Bastard of Cinema?

A young assassin is sent to kill him next in Cartagena (who is done Romancing the Stone, I guess).

The identity is, of course, no SPOILER as it is all over the Marketing.
In the actual Film, it is a 2nd Act Twist.  Oh well. 

Junior is Will Smith's Clone and he's...built like Ali-era Smith.  I mean, he should look like Fresh Prince Smith, no?

The Movie also fails to Science right as he's a clone via surrogate, but has identical DNA.

Also Shoot Em Up here decided IMMEDIATELY to clone Smith in 1995.

Can Smith get his clone to help him?  Can he survive even if he does?

To find out, stream the Film on Prime or, you know, buy a copy.

A decent Movie that feels like it wants to be great.  If you take away Ang Lee, is this a 'must see' Film?  No.  We've had Action Stars teaming up with/fighting their own twins/clones for Decades.  Why is the idea of this Film so great that it gestated for 20 years?  Van Damme had already done it- twice!  To be nice to the Film, it is shot really well.  The gimmick here was to shoot it at 120 fps.  It's...fine.  Maybe I didn't watch it in full blow out my eyes mode and missed the big appeal.  The Plot itself is so meh that you really need to take solace in the Action Scenes.  That said, the final ones are...weird.  Not getting into full SPOILERS here, but the There's Always Another Henchman thing comes up, since, you know, the 'always' part.  On its own merits, Gemini Man is a decent Film that tries to say alot.  The problem- it built itself up to be this big thing that was supposed to jump-start a new trend in Cinema.  Like this pre-rendered shot of Smith and his soon-to-be twin though, it isn't quite what it is supposed to be.

Good action, but it moralizes and monologues alot.  Yep, the key complaint about Lee's Hulk rears its big, green head again. 

WTF Japan?!?: Black Panther Bitch M

 No, this does not serve to fill my need for a new Marvel Film.  This is, say it with me, Black Panther Bitch M, a 1973 Film from Japan.  It was made by the Nikkatsu Corporation, who are behind a number of Films from the 1920s to as recently as stuff like Tokyo Gore Police.  I still love that Film (and Title).  With many Films, I get a deluge of information and have to pick and choose what to highlight.  I don't always mention if 'That Guy from That Movie was on That Show.'  For instance, I didn't mention that Ernest Dickerson was the Direct of Photography on Vampires, long before he became a regular Director for The Walking Dead.  This Film is kind of the opposite.  The Site I got this copy of the Film describes it as such 'Reiko Ike’s first appearance in a Nikkatsu film.'  Thanks.  What does IMDB say about it?  The Plot Summary is as follow- 'Add a Plot »'  Thanks for that.  What is the Plot then, me?  It involves a Corporation, a man trying to take over it and a woman hired by that man's boss (and target) to take him out first.  That woman- Black Panther Bitch M.  It's not my name- see below for yourself!  The reason for her name will come up later.  The Film has it all...if you like '70s Japanese Karate Thrillers.  It has Violence.  It has misogyny.  It has silly fashions (like our Heroine's floppy hat).  It has that especially kind of grating that Japanese Kids' voices can get.  Sorry, Japanese Kids- you have it coming!  The Film has an odd tone where it stays serious, but randomly has goofy stuff happen.  They aren't comedic moments- just odd ones.  I'll get into it, I guess.  To see what makes her better than Black Panther Bitch L, read on...

Our Heroine calls her Boss and begins to trail a Businessman.  

Naturally, she's the Master of Disguise in that giant hat and all-white ensemble.

We learn that the guy is divorced from his Wife and estranged from his Daughter.  Said Daughter is saved by our Heroine, which just sets up the ironic contrast for the end.

Of course, outside of that, letting him see her face is obviously a bad thing for her plan.

The guy is making a power grab against 'The President' and his intermediary is having none of it.

He sends goons to beat up the man, who fights back.

A random thumb poke to the stomach apparently kills him...20 minutes later.

Our Heroine watches the guy more, even having a weird scene where she uses the first of her two powers- super zoom-in eyes- to read his lips from across the Street.

An attempt to take him out leads to a long, but mostly-interesting fight/chase Scene.

The climax involves one henchman catching her off-guard to, well, have some fun with her.  He gets killed instead.

The next time he goes out, it is a trap.

Said trap involves casually hiding a SNIPER RIFLE in his golf bag.  He pulls it out to shoot her and, well, nobody seems to notice or care.

Our Heroine avoids getting shot by running towards the shooter.  No, really.

In the ensuing fight, we see her other cat-based power- shooting the scene with a fish-eye lens.

Other than that, I can't quite figure out how this helps her fight.

She gets wounded, so I guess that was an accurate critique.

The wounded M manages to hide out in, of all of the possible places, the ex-Wife's Restuarant.

In a long Scene, she tries to muster up the strength to kill him...but fails.

Once recovered, we get the next version of the Chase-Fight-Chase Scene.

Some new additions include throwing a pitchfork, a man rolling in a barrel during a shoot-out and a prolonged choking/escape scene.

M uses her connection with the Daughter to draw the man out (and alone this time).

The climax involves a swing set, an impossible flip and this not-so-subtle commentary on violence.

M calls her boss (The President) and goes to her next assignment.  The End.

A fun, but somewhat uneven Film.  The Film isn't especially-long, but the Pacing is weird.  Some Scenes- like the first Chase- go on for a very long time.  It's not a bad Scene, but a good Editor could have trimmed it down.  Likewise, they stretch out the 'watching from the window' Scene with the wounded M a bit too.  Again- a good Scene still.  The Action Scenes are fun and shot pretty well.  The little flourishes you get later with stuff like M's weird power help for the most part.  When these kinds of Scenes lack Drama, they can be a bit repetitive.  Thankfully, they pace them well enough to avoid the issue.  The '70s aesthetic is pretty strong here and it helps make the Film more enjoyable (to weirdos like me).  Everything you think of- short of an afro- is here.  There's also a weird sort-of tribute to Bruce Lee here (I think) with the Boss having 2 full-sized Posters from Enter the Dragon on his wall.  They are never addressed, so I don't know what the actual context is.  Black Panther Bitch M is a Film with a weird title that tells you nothing about what to expect.  Since IMDB is no help, I hope I was.  Take us away, unlicensed Donald Duck...

Next up, a new Month and some make-up Films to talk about.  Let's see what I've been skipping for this Month's theme.  Stay tuned...

New Streaming: WandaVision- Episode 7

 Another week (busy for me!) and we get another look at our latest obsession.  This is...

After the events of last week's Episode, Wanda is...tired.

Hey, who hasn't woken up in *that* outfit?  Am I right?

This one goes all Modern Family/The Office on us, complete with Wanda and company talking to an unseen Cameraman.

I bet he's related to the guy from Pro-Wrestling, since that guy could be standing next to people and they'd never be aware of him.

Vision is separated from Wanda (in both the Episode and the Opening Credits).  Can he make it back to her in time?

Meanwhile, will learning about his past be a good thing or a bad thing?

What makes Wanda snap (poor choice of words, admittedly)?  

What other secrets are there?

To find out, stream the Show.

A good Episode that sets alot of things up.  Obviously, I won't SPOIL that here.  Can you imagine being one of, oh, 10,000,000 sites that post SPOILERS within like an hour of the Episode debuting?  What a strange concept.  While I'm not into Modern Family (or most Sitcoms, to be fair), I can appreciate the job they do aping the look of it.  I guess Desperate Housewives isn't relevant enough for a Parody, no?  Here's hoping for an Arrested Development homage in the future though!  Without SPOILing anything major, I will say that I liked the pairings this week.  Vision and Wanda being separated opens up some stuff in this Episode which I liked.  Due to timing, we never got to see Vision and Darcy together.  They make a fun pair and their Subplot was pretty fun.  I can't say much more about getting into the you-know-what territory, so I'll just end by mentioning how I can't wait to see what is next.  Oh and more love for the Parody/Homage Titles...

Next time, the truth is revealed.  I'll see how I can make THIS one SPOILER-free.  See you then...

Rare Flix: Vampires (with Duane Jones) (1986)

 A Film that might be rare for a reason.  Many Films are original.  Many Films are Remakes.  Many Films are 'inspired' by other Films.  This is closer to the latter and far from the former.  This is Vampires, a 1986 Film that is pretty damn rare.  There wasn't a DVD until a couple of years ago, to my knowledge.  The copy I found online is clearly a VHS Rip, so enjoy some iffy quality of Screen Caps.  The Plot is a bit of a rehash of Suspiria, only with vague Vampire-like people.  The Title is actually a bit of a lie, but maybe it is more of a flourish.  They are people that 'steal life' from others, so they are Vampires...kind of.  Supposedly the Film was shot near a School that Jones- who was mostly-retired at this point- taught at.  I can see him coming on board to get some Students (past and/or present) hired on and to get the project off of the ground.  At this point, he had nothing to lose, so why not?  Is his presence enough to make the Film good.  I should mention now that the Film has some extra baggage of confusion, as IMDB says that this final Film was edited FROM an incomplete Film called Negatives and then edited INTO a Film called Fright House in 1989.  Jones did not live to see this, so that might be a positive (in a morbid sort of way).  To see how you mix in an evil Teacher, Tarot Cards and a Demonic Toilet, read on...

After an Intro with Jones narrating about nothing (while sounding inciteful all the same), we get a lady who strips down for some off-screen sex with her boyfriend.

As you can see the Film's negative is, well, pretty negative.

Post-coitus, a weird sound emanates from the bathroom and the implication is that the pair are sucked out of bed and into the toilet- to their death.

Naturally, this is the stupid scene playing the one time my Roommate looks to see what I'm watching.  C'est la vie.

This all takes place at a Long Island Acting School run by a mysterious woman named Abadon.

The name would be the one this Film would get retitled to in Fright House.

Our Heroine is a Film Student who has two character traits: confusion about what is happening and a blind obsession with a boy she met once.

That boy, by the way, is the one killed by *ahem* the toilet monster.  I'm pretty sure that this one fails The Bechdel Test.

Jones finally comes around some more to liven things up between POV kills in the basement and our Heroine getting weird fainting spells in class.

You really miss him and his sweet hat when he's gone.

The woman seems to be having strange reactions in the School such as nearly fainting or serious headaches.

It is kind of explained later, but we'll get to that.

Jones, it seems, has a strong connection to the School and Abadon.  What is he trying to stop and who is he trying to save?

Shock of all shocks, he reveals to our Heroine that he's her Father.  You'll never guess who the Mother is.

In spite of this revelation, she won't heed his advice to stay away from the School.

It all leads to an odd finale where we learn that Abadon is draining kids of their life energy to stay youthful via a machine made by her Husband (which has been messing with our Heroine).  Jones manages to destroy the thing, leading a weird little showdown.

A drained Abadon calls for our Heroine to 'touch her,' while Jones says 'no' and the still-unexplained POV Monster runs through doors until...

In the last Scene, our Heroine gets a ride from a stranger and reveals her name to be Abadon.  So, I guess evil won?

A pretty forgettable Film.  Outside of Jones' parts, the Acting is...not great.  Some of it is alright, while some of it is *really* not good.  It isn't 'the Aunt from Sleepaway Camp' or 'Rod from Birdemic' bad, but it's up there.  I'll give it a bit of a pass given the age of the Actors and their (presumably) relatively small amount of experience.  There's more to pick apart than just the Acting.  For starters, the whole 'killer toilet' thing.  I wonder if that was part of the footage that was supposedly shot for Negatives- that would explain the tonal difference.  The kills in the Film are almost all POV and not that exciting.  They credit 3 people as 'Mummies' here and I'm a bit confused.  There's ONE GUY who is clearly wearing bad old-age make-up, but that's it.  Is a Mummy in this like a Vampire is (in the sense that they are nothing like the normal version)?  I guess a Wolfman is just an overly-hairy guy too.  Dammit- I'm a Lycanthrope now!  The Plot, as noted, is so Suspiria that it just kind of hurts.  Mind you, that Movie is good, inventive and makes a strong use of color.  Here, you get a weird sort of Vaporwave Quality to the Film due to deteriorating (and cheap) Film Stock...

Next time, another 'Black' Film, but this time from Japan.  It sounds like something far different than it is!  Stay tuned...

Quick Review: Da Sweet Blood of Jesus

 After covering Ganja & Hess, I might as well do the Remake.  Spike Lee used Kickstarter for this, so it was made quick and cheap.

We get an expanded and clarified explanation for the African Tribe that apparently drank blood.

The artifact is also bigger, since that is better...I guess.

The Assistant is still crazy and still kills him.  Since he's not played by the Director this time, the Camera is not pointed at him in the bath before he kills himself.

It is notable because so much of this Film in key moments is shot-for-shot and here he just turns the guy around for a now-awkward-looking shot.

Hess' rebirth is more dramatic this time.

Things mostly play out the same with the newly-vampiric Hess.  

Instead of killing a Pimp and a Hooker in self-defense, however, he lies about his identity, sleeps with her, drains her...and then finds out that she had HIV.

It's...an addition.

Ganja, of course, shows up and sticks around.  This time, however, Hess' Butler is not an old Black Man...but Rami Malek.

They at least give the future Oscar Winner more lines and Screen Time for this part.

Since this is a Remake, things can change.  Can love survive?

To find out, watch the Film.

It...tries too hard.  It might sound weird as a critique for a Film.  'You shouldn't have tried so hard!'  In this case, I stand by it.  The Film has all of the same attempts at gravitas that the original did.  This time, we have many things getting in the way.  For one thing, instead of atmospheric shots of Hess and other locations while the Driver narrates, we have...Break Dancers.  It's generic Spike Lee Opening Credits that are for this Film, but feel like an overly-long Production Company Logo.  Nothing sets the mood for Drama and Horror like repeated shots of the Knicks Logo while someone dances!  After that, the Music is a hodge podge of two things- licensed music and overly-dramatic Scoring.  The first is honorable, in the sense that he went to unsigned Artists to get them exposure.  The problem- the Music is just kind of placed in at random, meaning nothing to the Film and just being distracting.  Say what you want about the Custom Playlist feel of the Guardians of the Galaxy Soundtracks, but the Songs match the Scene.  The other Music is just so try-hard that it hurts.  The rule is Show, Don't Tell, but it should and could be applied to the Soundtrack!  The Acting is a mix of good/genuine and melodramatic.  It's a real mixed bag.  To make the Film unique, there are a bunch of changes (as mentioned above), but many of them add little.  Ooh, Ganja's victim is a woman (and a rehash of American Psycho)- yea?  We also see that Hess' victims come back to life...which nobody seems to react to outside of them.  Did the Police not find their bodies and then go 'Oh- you're alive.  We have 1,002 questions' or anything?  I guess not.  The Film...has its moments, but doesn't quite deliver.  To put a point on it, there's a Scene where a sad Hess explains that he 'is addicted to blood.'  It's not a Metaphor if you say it out loud!  It's not Subtext- it's Text.  Nice artwork though.

Considering the nature of Lee's clear love of the material, it's a shame that this is so uneven.  Lee fans might be more forgiving.

New Streaming: WandaVision- Episode 6

 Another week and another crazy Episode of Marvel's newest Show.  What fresh hell will we get next?  Let's see...

We get all '90s and '00s in this Episode as Wanda's kid is now Frankie Muniz.

Who's the guy on the right (presuming that the Internet didn't already SPOIL that for you)?

It is Halloween in Town, so we finally get the comic-book accurate costume.

Now why is the Internet is obsessed with random background people?

Vision pretends to go out (dressed as Lucha Star La Vision), but finds out what is going on in the outskirts.

You get to be on the Show- why are you sad?

Will the Festival be free of chaos or...yeah, you know it won't.

To find out what really happens, stream the Show.

Another good, inventive Episode.  The new look is fun and they really embrace it.  Aside from that, some big truth bombs drop and some more hints are laid out.  The kids play a bigger part as well, though their fate will undoubtedly not be a happy one in the end.  Mind you, Marvel could really mess with us, so who knows?  Vision refusing to play his part is a nice escalation of things here, which the Show obviously needed.  It reminds me of the pitch for Too Many Cooks.  It was originally just going to be the fake Opening Credits/Titles for 15 minutes.  That would have been funny...for maybe 10 minutes.  The Network insisted that more than just that happen and thus a Cult phenomenon was born.  It is also hard to watch the Show without being dragged into the mire of Fan Theories, but I do my best.  Just watching the Show for what it is works for me.  I'm surely still going to read people talk about who is or isn't Mephisto (if anyone actually is).  I'm trying to just be along for the ride.  one thing (understandably) lost in the transition to Parody/Homage is the clip of Chris Benoit and Bret Hart in the Malcolm in the Middle-style opening.  Otherwise, spot on...

Next time, we get more insanity and a Modern aesthetic.  Will we finally learn the truth though?  See you then...

'70s Class: Ganja & Hess (1973)

 A lost Classic or a creaky mess?  This is Ganja & Hess, a 1973 Vampire Film with some historical significance.  Back in 1968, a Classic was released- Night of the Living Dead.  As you probably all know, George A. Romero cast Duan Jones as the Lead, not caring whether or not he was Black.  The part was rewritten from a 'hick' Truck Driver when Jones showed his erudite manner of speaking.  Why all of this talk about Duan Jones?  He's the Star of the Movie, of course!  This is only the second time (and arguably the last time) he'd be the Lead in a Film.  Given that the other is a Film that inspired Generations of Horror Writers/Directors/Actors, I'd say that is notable.  So why isn't this Film so well known?  For starters, it is not Public Domain like NotLD became accidentally.  It's also...well, arty AF.  Random music, long-ass shots of people doing very little and people deep in thought- you get tons of that here.  Weirdly, the Plot is just thrown in your face at the beginning and...then still happens.  It's not like Dark City's forced Exposition Dump to skip over an explanation.  I know that there's a recut of this Film- in even less demand than a Snyder Cut- so maybe this is from that version.  Mine has the original Title though, so...who the hell knows?!?  Basically, a man is turned into a Vampire and has to live with it.  Will this be more interesting than Romero's own Vampire Film (Martin)?  Is it weird that Romero made an introspective, psychological Vampire Film AND his first Star did the same?  Kind of.  To find out why you may or may not care about this one, read on...

A man- Dr. Hess Green- is living the high life.  He's got a Mansion, a Butler and a Limo.

It sure beats being accidentally killed by Hunters!

After some text explaining the Plot to come, we then get Narration from...the Limo Driver.  Random, but it pays off.

Less paid off is a long, meandering monologue about Music accompanied by shots of people in traditional African garb.

If this means something to you, fine.

He takes in his Assistant (Ganja Maeda), but he's clearly unstable.

That night, the man is stopped from committing suicide and later attacks Green with a dagger from the Tribe he's been studying.

Said Tribe apparently drank blood, so that may be important.

Green isn't killed, but Maeda's next attempt to kill himself does work.

'Thankfully' they included a long shot of Maeda just sitting naked in the bathtub before this.  Maeda is also the Film's Director BTW.

Green finds the body and...drinks the blood!

He finds that he now needs it to live, but otherwise seems to experience no penalties from being a Vampire.

At this point, Vampire Rules being broken means nothing to me.

A new one for this Film- he must drink fresh blood, not one he can steal from a lab.

The Film is nearly 2 hours long, so I'm going to skip past 2 Scenes of Green killing random people for blood.  They mean nothing.

Ganja's Wife comes to Town and he can't exactly say what happened.

Time to keep her in the House, while you keep him in the Freezer!

While he's away, she finds the body and...doesn't freak out.

Nope, instead they get married!

You thought Sid & Nancy made a weird couple!

He makes her a Vampire, which she adjusts too pretty well.  He even helps her kill a guy (after a '70s Sex Scene) and hide the body.

However, the guilt eventually weighs Hess down and he commits suicide by...standing in front of a cross for too long.

Oh and he's inspired to do this by attending the Driver's Church.  See- it did pay off!

In the aftermath, she can't bring herself to die and gets a surprise...

The guy she drained suddenly jumps out of the nearby Lake and runs towards the House...and that's it.

The End....apparently.

A long, drawn out Film that surely means alot...to someone.  I get that the Film is artistic.  I get that the Film is full of metaphors and symbolism.  Vampirism is a stand-in for addiction.  I get it.  The Film is just...so slow...and so ponderous.  Art isn't for everyone- it's subjective.  If you like Ganja & Hess, I'm not here to tell you otherwise.  The Acting is good.  It was shot well.  It looks nice.  There's nothing wrong with it.  It's just, well, the kind of Film I give Bob to watch instead of me every year.  There are many good moments here.  Jones really gives us the anxiety and guilt that his character has.  There's a real primal moment when he goes in to drink the blood of the dead Ganja.  In another Scene, we see him sadly-realizing his fate after killing one of his victims.  He's really good in this.  I take nothing away from him or the people behind the Film.  I wanted to like it- oh well.  If you're into the more arty and complex Horror Films (this is described as an Experimental Horror Film), you might like it.  With the languid pace and random male nudity, it just won't be for everyone.  Just like the print, things may get a bit hairy...

Next up, the Spike Lee Remake.  We'll see if he just recreated it verbatim or did something other than making a fancier Title.  Stay tuned...