Tubi Thursday: Stitches (2001)

 This one comes both Riffed and Un-Riffed, if you'd prefer.  

On Prime, you get the Rifftrax Version, but on Tubi you have the regular Version of...

In a weird, but kind of interesting opening, we see a creature putting on some sort of skin suit.

What is it?
Why is it doing this?

Well, in some sort of vague time (the Film might be set in the 1920s...maybe), an older woman shows up at a B&B.

Yes, the Demon decided to disguise itself as a Karen.

She begins to target everyone in the House.  Her goal- get them to give up their soul (by way of a vague deal to 'give anything').  It's worse than Wishmaster rules!

The first victim just wants to 'prove that Demons are real,' so he calmly lets her take off her skin suit (off-camera, since Full Moon) and she then stitches all of his skin off (in a truly awful CG effect that they linger on).

I guess he has no bones then?

The next victims require my work, since this Film has really bad pacing.

One is secretly a lesbian (classy, guys!), while another gives up their soul to live...which is just bad foresight, really.

It's all very *yawn* exciting.

Throughout it all, everyone kind of acts dumb or just buys the worst excuses.

At best, you can give them credit for setting up one turn later...but they also make it a bit obvious, thus giving away the eventual twist.

C+ for the attempt.

It all comes down to a big showdown to the Religious Guy and Innocent Maid (who was part of the aforementioned setup earlier).

It's Full Moon (produced, at least) so there come...evil paper dolls.  No, really.

To see how it all plays out, stream the Film (I recommend the Riffed Version).

It's honestly not a bad idea on paper.  It just suffers from many odd choices made, a confusing Setting and a lack of Budget to make it all work.

The Film feels like a 30-40 minute Twilight Zone/Night Gallery Segment made into a full Film.  To get that long, we get some loooong Scenes that drag and lots of set-up.  They go to some dark places, so don't think that this Film called Stitches that features a killer Demon is, you know, family-friendly.  Of course, the same Film that features attempted rape (with some deception involved on both sides of it), also tries to feature a woman coming to accept her lesbian attraction as temptation, so...not handling things well.

As a Horror Film, it tries and fails to deliver the goods.  As a quite-literal Morality Play, it kind of works.  It's Full Moon produced, so don't expect anything big, deep or...even what is featured on this alternate Poster.  They can't afford that demon effect!

A Film that could easily be a TV Horror Segment (on something like Creepshow).  They just made it too long and too cheaply as a Feature.

Lost in Translation: The Night Eats the World (2018)

 When we last 'met,' I talked about a 2018 Zombie Film made in France.

It *might* have ripped off a different Film that was just *set* in France.

So, I'm sure you're wondering the obvious...

What does the French Poster look like?

Red background- check.
Falling man- check.

Eiffel Tower- no check?!?

Yep, there's a French Poster for a French Film...and they apparently removed the Eiffel Tower!

Is there a Story here that I don't know?
The Film is set in Paris.

What.
The.
Hell?!?

As a bonus, I found a German Poster (which didn't bother to translate the Title) that's different still...

No red background.
No falling man.
No Eiffel Tower.

Was ist die Geschichte hier?

Oddly-Familiar Cover Art: The Night Eats the World

 Some time during the Holiday Haze, I was looking up Horror Films on various Streaming Sites and found a Poster that seemed...familiar.

See if you can tell what the 'inspiration' might be...

Paris- check.
Upside down World- check.
Red Background- check.

Figure it out?

Well, we go back to 2014 for...

So...yeah.

Granted- there are slight differences in the scope and scale of it.
Yes, they added the Zombie Hands Graphic (which feels like it was copied from some other Poster).

Given the year of this one (2018), am I wrong to think that they might have cribbed the 'falling upwards' visual from Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse?  
Is that a stretch?

Even so...come on.

Right?

Incidentally, there are other Versions of this Poster, but that's for a different Post.

Holiday Tubi: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5- The Toymaker (1991)

 Between work and family, it is hard to make time to watch crappy Movies!  This is the final Film (so far) in the Silent Night, Deadly Night Series.  After 4 Films, we've gone from an evil would-be Santa to a killer Yuppie to a killer Yuppie with Exposed Brain to a Cult.  Where do we wrap things up?  With an evil Toymaker, of course!

From Producer Brian Yuzna (who made the last Film), we have a barely-connected thing.  In one Scene, someone can be seen watching Part 4.  That's it.

Notably, the Film features Mickey Rooney, who famously-campaigned against the first Film.  He didn't sign up for this one as a SN,DN Film, of course.  He's here as the titular Toymaker and he might be up to no good.  With the infamous Screaming Mad George making his props and gore, he sure is now!

Is this one the PS5 you couldn't get yet or a pair of plain white socks in your last Christmas present box?  To find out, read on...

In a drawn-out Intro, an off-screen person gives a present to a kid at night...but his Dad shoos him off.

He opens the present (when it makes some noise) and it kills him (kind of).
It makes him hit his head and die...which the kid saw.

He's been mute ever since (how much time has passed is unclear), so she needs to help him out.

She takes him to Joe Petto's Toy Shop (get it?!?!?!?) and he offers the kid some toys.

A strange man buys a bunch of toys and acts suspicious.

On top of that, his Son Pino (GET IT?!?!?!?) offers him a toy, which ends up with the other guy...and then his Hotel Manager.  It kills him.

Pino is all sorts of creepy, breaking into the House while Mom is away.

Toys keep injuring and/or killing people (they kill adults, but only hurt kids).

As we near the Third Act, Yuzna and George just throw all of their leftover Puppet Master prop ideas (this came out in 1991, as that Series arguably-peaked) to kill one guy and bloody the Babysitter.

You get toy tanks, killer snakes, a random arm, toy soldiers and a toy car that is just 90% sharp object.

Petto kidnaps our Lead during all of this, which seems to be his endgame.

But why?

Psych- it was actually Pino.

As it (not shockingly) turns out, he was a Robot 'Son' made by Joe, who he's now killed.  He wants the Mom to be 'his Mom.'

It all ends in a big Action Scene involving Pino, the Mom, the Strange Man (who's actually the kid's Dad) and the kid.  They defeat him, but they leave some pointless Sequel-Bait in there.  The End.

A weird and bloody affair for the Holidays.  Part 5 has nothing to do with Ricky (save for having a Clint Howard Cameo as a Mall Santa named Ricky) or the whole Killer Santa thing.  You briefly get Pino and Joe dressed up as Santa, so...close enough?  It is at least nice to see a Mall Santa as a Hero- the first time since Elves- for a change though.

The Plot is goofy.  The Acting is...uneven.  The Special Effects are mostly quite good, so thank you Mr. Screaming Mad George.  It definitely livens things up, since you know that you'll get some old school prop death after each boring Plot Scene.

There's no getting around it- the Plot Twist is super obvious.  It makes you feel a bit dumber for thinking that THEY felt so clever.  Joe Petto has a son named Pino- really?  Really?

The Film is a fun, but uneven experience.  See it for the silliness, effects and gore- but don't expect anything more exciting in the Plot.  I mean, how can you top this epic stare down?!?

Next time, I try to wrap up some Films before the year is over.  What is up first on the agenda?  Stay tuned...

Immediate Response: Spider-Man- No Way Home

 After avoiding SPOILERS for a good week or so, I saw THE Film to see before 2021 is over.

What did I think?

The Good

* The Film is epic in scale, giving you big moments, big action and excitement.

* At its core, the Film still manages to have heart.  Our Heroes want to do good, not just win the easy way.

* Tom Holland really holds the Film together, keeping it from becoming too busy and hard to relate to.

* I can't talk about the Third Act, but, well, it's great.  You either know why or really need to just see it.

* As a Trilogy ender, it does everything it needs to.

The Bad

* If you don't know the other Films, they don't do too much to explain them to you.

* Many big moments will only resonate with you if you know the other Films and know why the returns of Characters like Doctor Octopus means.

* For every return they give you, die-hard fans can always expect/picture more.  That's just a fact.

* The Film can be bleak at times, so it's not for young kids.

It's the biggest, boldest Marvel Film that's not an Avengers Film.  It also has great heart and resonates deeper than its Blockbuster feel may make you think.

'90s Class?: Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

 Let's get festive with...a cyber-punk Film from the 1990s?  I have a reason.
You know what it is.  I know what it is.

Johnny Mnemonic is Keanu Reeves' first foray into this World, but it's obviously been overshadowed by the Wachowskis' Films.  Should it deserve more praise?  It was actually adapted by the original writer- William Gibson (who also wrote Neuromancer- so that's a plus.  It's from a Music Video Director- Robert Longo- and that always goes well.  I mean, Catwoman won some Awards (don't look up which ones), after all.  You also have Dina Meyer, who has some unique Sci-Fi credentials (Decoys 2 and Star Trek: Nemesis).

To keep with the retro-futuristic feel of things, I watched the Streaming Version on Netflix, but I used a DVD from 1997 to get my Caps.  There's only one thing or two that it affects, but I hope you appreciate by commitment to the bit.

Are you ready for the tale of a man, a cybernetically-enhanced lady and the people that want them dead for a whole 320 GB of data?  If so, then read on...

So, obviously, I did this to tie into the new Matrix Film.  

That said, I couldn't have picked a better year to do it...

Johnny- who doesn't know his last name- has a strange job.

He has a storage bank for data in his head and transports data that way, working for a creepy Udo Kier.

He's doing- say it with me- one last job to get out.

He meets some people in Beijing, but he has to take in DOUBLE the amount that his unit can hold.

He does so- to get enough money, ironically, to have the implant removed- and the meeting ends in a bloodbath.

Back in Newark (they kind of gloss over the trip back), he's on the run from the Yakuza after they kill his Boss.

He ends up with Meyer, who inadvertently helps just to prove herself initially.

This is also obviously Canada.

To find out what is so important about the data, Johnny has to get online in a very fun, but silly sequence.

Here's the one big difference in the DVD Version vs Streaming- the Subtitles.  

In this bit, he asks for one last item that the 1997 Subtitles put in a bit differently than the 2021 Subtitles...

*****

The Yakuza and the guys who made the data are still after Johnny, so the latter hire a crazy cyborg- although he's like 95% robot by now- named Karl (Dolph Lundgren) to kill him.

This is the last Film that Dolph would be in that was released in Theaters until 2010's The Expendables.  That's a drought that beats Steven Seagal- 2002's Exit Wounds to 2009's Machete.

The difference- Dolph has come back to Theaters a few times since (like Creed 2).

He learns from Meyer's Doctor- Henry Rollins!- that he has the information that can cure a deadly disease ravaging the population.

This is apparently a big change from the original story and it's kind of for the better IMHO.

He joins forces with the LoTeks (people who live on the Street and don't cyber-upgrade) to get the data out via...a dolphin.

Look- people were REALLY into Dolphins in the '90s (see SeaQuest DSV).

The Third Act juggles a bunch of things and characters...

Takahashi (Takeshi Kitano) is bad, then good...then dead.
Karl shows up and gets blown up.
The Yakuza show up, fight and get killed.

The LoTek's place nearly gets wrecked.

Can Johnny get the data?

Yes and our Heroes celebrate as the evil Pharmaceutical Company goes up in flames.

The truth is out there and the day is saved.  The End.

A pretty solid adventure, especially if you can ignore the dated elements.  If you didn't live through the '90s and its Films, there's certain things you need to expect.  If you don't have that nostalgia, some of this is going to feel really odd.

For instance, we were REALLY into the Internet at this point, teaching kids about it, making Films about it and even putting Jonny Quest into it.  It was just a big old craze.  We get stuff like Virtuosity, The Lawnmower Man and The Lawnmower Man 2: Jobe's War, just to name a few.

Thankfully, this Film only delves into that stuff a bit.  It isn't knee-deep in it like other Films/Shows (like ReBoot).  In a change from the original material, Johnny is the action lead here, which kind of weakens the Meyer role.  She still leads him to people that help him, but is less important than in the Book.

In summary, the Film is dated in many ways- like its literal date- but comes across as more of a '90s Action Film than a Cyberpunk Film.  In 2021, its visuals mostly hold up and the Story is strong.  Of course, the 1997 DVD does have one more thing to make it dated...

Next up, a special Tubi Review for the Holiday.  It's time to wrap up the Franchise that wasn't this Christmas.  Stay tuned...

New Streaming: Hawkeye- Episode 4

 After taking a week off from Reviews, let's step back to Episode 4 and see what happened...

Our Heroes have a nice, long conversation with Kate's Mom and her boyfriend (whom Kate still distrusts).  

You can tell it is Christmas when your friend forces you to hang out with her folks.

Since Hawkeye can't be with his family right now, Kate throws him a nice, intimate celebration at her place.

Bonding and hijinks ensue.

They also take time to set up Hawkeye and Kate getting their new costumes made for the Finale.

Let's also throw in a random LGBTQ+ Character to say that we did too.

Everything changes when a routine job to recover the watch goes awry as the pair are attacked by a mysterious figure.

Who is it?  What are they up to?

You just have to watch to find out!

A good Episode that keeps things moving, but also gives the story time to breathe.  I've discussed how Prestige Shows have a problem with pacing in the middle- especially when they are arbitrarily 13 Episodes long-, so I'm aware of what to look for.

On one hand, you don't get too many big things until the end (to hook you for Episode 5).
On the other hand, alot of good stuff still happens here.

So much important set-up/plot-building is done here, so if you skip this one, some things won't make sense.  Likewise, the ending section is definitely worth a watch.  It makes you really need to see what happens/happened already in real time.

So, in summary, this middle Episode is a must-see for different reasons than Episodes 1-3, so tell your friends...

Next time, the aftermath of a reveal fractures the group.  Can they get back together when it counts?  See you then...

New Streaming: Creepshow- 'Pipe Screams'

 Another Creepshow feature to cover here.  This time, it is gross and grimy.

In other words, not much has changed with...

A bitchy woman- Barbara Crampton- runs a cheap Apartment Building with lots of problems.

She has lead pipes, but she won't deal with that.

Instead, she wants a Plumber to just fix the leaks.

Does he know the evil(ish) Exterminator from a previous segment?

What he finds is, well, not a leak.

It's...nah, no real SPOILERS here.

Just watch it.

A fun, freaky tale.  Like many Creepshow tales, this one is pretty simple.

Bad person.  Freaky monster.  Innocent bystander involved in the mix.  Strong, easy to decipher moral.
Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

There's not much more to see here than a Creature Feature with a monster, a nice guy and a bad person that gets what they deserve.  Barbara Crampton makes a great 'Karen' here.  Good stuff.

A simple summary.  A simple recommendation.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get something looked at...

Next time, a riff on a tale of an ancient monster.  It's all a matter of trust.  See you then...

'00s Trash?: Salvage (2006)

 At last, the final Film in the Set.  This is Salvage, a 2006 Horror Film/Thriller.  I've never heard of it.  After today, will I think of it again?  We'll see.

The Plot involves a young woman, a strange man and the fact that one keeps killing the other.  Is this a fun Time Loop Horror Film that predates Happy Death Day (the real one and not the knock-off)?

Uh, no.  I'll get into the Plot more when I get to the SPOILERS, but there's a different comparison.
With a Budget that is supposedly under $30,000, should you expect much?  Let's find out...

When you see a name like this in the Credits, you immediately get suspicious, no?

A young woman works at Don't Use Our Full Name Express and gets picked up by a stranger.

Said stranger eventually kills her in her own House.  Ouch.

She then wakes up, back at the Store being greeted by her Boss.

She tries to forget her strange dream and engage in some filler, but keeps having visions of a guy running in the Woods.

Or are we- the Audience- the only one seeing this?  Dunno.

She has another event happen at the Store, being attacked by the man there at night.  She fights him off...but then the Cops show her a video of nobody being there.

Bear things like this in mind for later.

She gets more weirded out by things and tries to look into the killer that she keeps seeing.

He eventually gets more proactive again and grabs her while she's looking into things.

He tells her some cryptic statements that are supposed to make you go 'Oh, that's what this means' later.

After another 'death,' she gets more mostly-useless boyfriend to help out.

They get more information about the killer and people continue to talk weirdly to her.

She finally gets to the heart of things after she learns that she is reported dead/missing alongside her boyfriend.

So what is going on?

SPOILERS BELOW...

Back in the Basement, she's grabbed by 'her Mom' who offers her up to the killer.

This is where the Film goes 'Aha- here's what is happening!'

All of this time, she has actually been the killer...but also none of this is real.

Thanks for the shot, Twin Peaks.

She's actually just a manifesting of said killer in Hell, who is being forced to relive his sins (in very overly-complicated fashion).

Was that worth 80 minutes?  The End.

In theory, this could be a good Movie.  It's not just a Budgetary thing either.  They just made a number of choices that really slowed things down, dragged it out and made things less interesting.

If you want to see something like this done right, see the White Bear Episode of Black Mirror.  It also doesn't feature cheap Nu-Metal-sounding Bands to boot.  Points for you, Show.

In defense of the Film, they came in with a pretty fresh idea.  They tried to make something different.  While I don't think that they succeeded, they did fail while trying to mix things up.  It's better than another generic Zombie Film or uninspired Slasher Film (see my last Review).

It's just a shame to see them fail like this and have to do stuff like literally stretch out to make the Film reach feature length.

Next up, I look back at a somewhat-forgotten '90s Films for new reasons.  Is this really a forgotten gem?  Stay tuned...