Holiday Lost In Translation Cover Art: Death of a President

It is always fun to look back at things that just pissed people off and see if it offends you now.

It didn't.

Regardless, it is important to remember these films.  That and to look at weird, foreign Posters for said films...

Honestly, that's alot more work than was put into the U.S. ones.  That was just either a Sniper on a roof or a fake shot of Bush in a crowd right after 'being shot.'

This...is actually a strange work of art.  Someone put *gasp* effort into this.  Kudos, Swedes.

Confusing and Mislabeled Cover Art: Star of David- Hunting For Beautiful Girls

Have you ever watched a movie and said 'Gee, I wish that was a different movie' to nobody in particular?  Well, apparently someone else did this on Google.

Behold this Poster for Star of David: Hunting For Beautiful Girls...

Yeah, this is not for that movie.  This is actually for School of the Holy Beast (reviewed here)

To be fair, they are by the same Director, but...yeah.  The only weird Fetish NOT in Star of David is Nunsploitation.

Burning Love: Wilder Napalm

It is only a mild burn.  Valentine's Day is alot of work.  I don't mean having to buy flowers or anything like that.  No, the challenge is finding a twisted love story to review each year.  

I have already done a film about rape/kidnapping, a movie about a figurine coming to life, a film about a man in love with a corpse and, lastly, a film about how love is just plain awful.  

Belgium is a bleak place.  

So let me lighten the mood with a film about love, loss and many explosions.  Yeah, that will do it.  Today's film is Wilder Napalm, an oft-forgotten film about a pair of brothers with pyrokinesis and the women in between them.  I bet even Maynard (link now defunct) hasn't done this film.  

There are two brothers- one good and one bad.  When they both end up together again, the woman that one is already married to is bound to get caught in the crossfire.  

See what I did there?!?  I'm hilarious.  

Is the film though?  Will the comedic duo of Jim Varney and Dennis Quaid do the trick?  To find out, read on...

Quaid- disguised for a while under this clown make-up- plays Wallace.  

He's a bad guy who wants to get famous for his pyrokinesis.

In contrast, his brother Wilder has settled down in a dead-end job and is married.  

Unfortunately, his wife really wants him to be more responsive and outgoing.  I can't see where this is going.

Sure enough, the Circus that Wallace works for comes to town.  

He hasn't seen Wilder in about five years, so it is not exactly a happy reunion.

The wife is finally out of house arrest- for starting a fire- and wants to go out.  

Her husband is too busy and decides to work.  

That leaves an opening for...

Wallace to make his move.  

As the sexual tension rises, physical heat begins to emanate.  Sodas bubble (do they?), ice cream melts and the whole place finally burns down.

When Wilder finds out, he's naturally pissed.  

This leads to a showdown between the two pyrokinesis users that ends indecisively...and with all three of the people in jail.

Naturally, we get one more big face-off.  All sorts of shit gets set on fire and many explosions ensue.

We also get to see the rare Chekov's Suit (a fire-proof suit showed one time at the beginning and important for the end).

Flame on!

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

In the End, the brothers make peace.  

The couple live happily ever after and Wallace ends up a celebrity that appears on Letterman...although it isn't shown.

Why mention it then?!?
The End.

It is the good kind of burn.  I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about this movie.  I vaguely recalled the premise from long ago (the film came out when I was 10), but that's it.  I had no idea what the tone or style would be.  

Having gone in mostly-blind, I was surprised how much I liked it.  It is weird and silly- granted.  The film really just embraces its offbeat tone and makes the most of it.  

Singing Firemen- check.  

Lady who wants to have sex on the roof- check.  

Jim Varney as a Carney- big check!  

It is quirky as all hell, which certainly limits the audience a bit.  That said, I enjoyed this weird love triangle involving two pyrokinetic users, a traveling Circus and, once again, singing Firemen.  You may too.

Next up, a completely-crazy film from Japan.  I know that doesn't narrow it down- just deal with it!  Stay tuned...

Holiday WTF Japan Cover Art: Star of David- Hunting For Beautiful Girls

In honor of this day of love, here's a reminder of a film about love that is demented as all hell.

The film begins with a rape scene.  Just think about that for a moment.

Anyhow, here's the DVD Cover for the movie from over in Europe, complete with Nudity on the Box and an alternate title.

Well, it certainly is an honest description!  There is no mistaking this film for anything normal.

I do have to ask though: how is the film Rated 16+, but yet the DVD Box has Nudity on it.  What's up, Netherlands?!?

To see how the film itself turned out, click here.

Rare Flix: John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness

Hurray- it wasn't disappointing!  Today's film is Prince of Darkness, a very underrated and forgotten John Carpenter film.  On the surface, it is certainly a weird sell.  Two words: Liquid Evil.  Yeah, that's not weird.  If you can get past that and see the actual film for what it is, it is quite interesting.  The film was made at the tail end of Carpenter's best and worst period.  How is it both?  Essentially, he was making some of his best films- The Thing, Big Trouble in Little China, and this film- but also his less successful films.  It is sad that they didn't turn out to be bigger hits.  At least Tobe Hooper's Canon Trilogy- Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Invaders From Mars, Lifeforce- were of a mixed quality (while all being underwhelming in terms of box-office success.  Yea?  Anyhow, this film is about the discovery of a weird substance that may challenge the whole idea of religion and how we look at it.  Naturally, the Church teams up with a College Professor and his students to figure it out.  I guess when they build a whole city out of gold and marble, the Catholic Church is low on funds.  Ha- you were expecting a reference to how they shipped child-molesting Priests around and legally-changed their names, weren't you?  I'd never stoop to that level, no sir!  If you want to see the one GOOD film with Alice Cooper in it, read on...

An ancient secret is revealed and sent to be studied by a Priest (Donald Pleasence).  Who can he turns to?

How about an Atheist Science Professor?  If you ever wanted to see Cardinal Law and Bill Nighy team up, this...is probably the closest you're going to get.

The duo work together to decipher the mysterious substance found.  The Professor volunteers his top Students, promising them all Degrees.  Most of them will not live to do much with the paper...

You may also notice that Carpenter is using repeat Actors like Pleasence and Victor Wong.  He apparently wrote the parts for them.  Neat.

The group gathers at an old, abandoned Church to study a giant vial of fluid that is allegedly thousands of years old.  Unfortunately, they have guests.

Freaky, bug-infested homeless guests that seems to be drawn to the building.

While working down by the substance, one of the Students is struck by some evil power and is now a vessel.

You see, the giant vial of fluid is apparently the physical embodiment of evil itself.  It is not a feeling in the back of your mind- it is real!

Due to their proximity to the liquid evil, everyone is having the same shared dream- which is actually a vision.
The hand-held nature of the footage is an interesting precursor to the Found Footage boom that would come about ten years later.

My favorite touch involves the most religious person in the group.  He gets killed and then possessed, but clearly fights the urges.  He does a DAMN good job at conveying this and nearly steals all of his post-death scenes.

One of the group is chosen as the vessel to bring about the end of the world.  They mix a bit of Science and Theology here, which is either really clever or really silly.

As you can see, she's taking it all well.

Will she bring about the end of the world?  Will evil be stopped?  Will someone edit this whole thing for television to make it seem like one big dream sequence?

To find out, watch the movie.  Trust me.  The End.

Evil is all sorts of good!  Prince of Darkness is a film that true Horror fans need to see at least.  Have you seen it?  Good.  Have you not?  Well, do it right now!  Are you still not convinced?  Well, the film is well-written, well-acted and just all around atmospheric.  They quickly get people into a relatively-confined space and slowly ratchet up the tension.  At first, you're safe as long as you stay inside.  If you go out, you'll get stabbed Giallo-style by possessed homeless people (and Alice Cooper).  As the film progresses, evil escapes from within and safe places get more and more scarce.  You want another reason to love this movie?  Well, a very recent film series has been inspired by it.  Consider this: a woman gets possessed, acts emotionless and kills people by snapping their necks from behind.  Sound familiar?  Yeah, it's Katie from Paranormal Activity.  So, in summary, see this movie already.  If nothing else, you get to see this dude's hilarious (and awesome) mustache...

Next up, I celebrate Valentine's Day with a love triangle.  Oh and two of the people have pyrokinesis.  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: V.I. Warshawski

You know that a film is overlooked when you personally have to update its Wikipedia page!  

Today's film is V.I. Warshawski, a film that pre-dates the 'Turn all Crime Novels Into Films' Trend of the last few years.  
You know the films- One For the Money, Jack Reacher, Alex Cross, etc.  

Unfortunately, most of these films were, well, bombs.  

Tyler Perry in drag- box office hit.  Tyler Perry playing a Detective- box office poison.  

Weird, huh?  It seems that only Tom Cruise's movie is going to start a series of any kind.  

Speaking of films that didn't start a series, this one.  This was clearly meant to go somewhere, but failed to make an impact either financially or critically.  

Does that mean it is bad?  Granted- there are some terrible films like Weasels Rip My Flesh or Roller Gator that are barely known.  

At the same time, there are some good-to-great films like Neon Maniacs and Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat are also a bit obscure.  

The film is about the titular Detective taking a case that quickly becomes personal.  By the end, it turns out to be about lot sof money, murder and mayhem.  

To find out if this film (which got a Blu-Ray release not listed on Wikipedia) is best left forgotten or deserving of a new glance, read on...

V.I. is a tough as nails lady who works in the P.I. Business, in spite of everyone's expectations.

Gee, it is like subtle commentary on the Film Industry too!  Hmm...

She ends up meeting up with a hunky Hockey player...who dies shortly thereafter.  

She decides to take the case, in spite of what her father's friend- Charles Durning- tells her.  

Why?

Because the dead Hockey Player has a daughter and she wants to know what happened.  

It doesn't hurt that the acerbic girl reminds V.I. of herself in alot of ways.

The pair work the case in a fun way.  

V.I. teaches the girl the Rules of Being a Detective, while the girl shows how she can manipulate people by feigning innocence.

She finds out the girl is the sole owner of a company- which turns out to just be one little Shack.  Hmm...

V.I. discovers that she must be getting close to something big when she's confronted by...Newman.

He breaks a big taboo by beating the crap out of V.I.  

Like a true bad-ass (see Bond in Casino Royale), she continues to taunt him.  

Damn!

Ultimately, V.I. must figure out which one of the Hockey Player's brothers is the man behind it all.  It turns pretty deadly in the End and there is a great twist...so I won't SPOIL it.

Of course, you could always read the Book too.  The End.

Honestly, I don't see what all the hate was about.  

I may be in the minority here, but I really liked V.I. Warshawski.  

Granted- I have not read any of the Books.  As such, I am only rating the film as the sum of its parts.  

In comparison, the 1990s Captain America film sucks to both fans of the Comic (like myself) and lovers of film (also me).  

Is the film version of V.I. like the book?  I couldn't tell you.  

The film version is brash, outspoken and actually manages to show her soft side too.  She is a fully developed character that could have definitely been used alot more than once.  

Oh well!  

The story is fun, moves at a steady pace and does manage to throw you for a couple of loops.  

Is it completely unique and original?  No, not really.  

A land deal leads to murder- get out!  In spite of that, it makes for a good time.  

The film is actually not that Rare, but it is so overlooked that it still justifies.  

Even if you don't like it all that much, remember that it always could be worse...

Next up, I cover a John Carpenter film that...doesn't disappoint me.  Finally, I don't have to keep bad-mouthing a Director that I love!  Stay tuned...

Old-School TV: Tales of Tomorrow- Appointment on Mars

After last week's look at a classic tale, we shift gears to something more original.  It's a Story Written by Ed McBain under his real name of S.A. Lombino.  If you don't know, he wrote many Novels, as well as the classic film The Birds.

With that in mind, let's check out one more of the many...

This tale is about people going where man has never gone before.  Unfortunately, this appointment doesn't end in a proper check-up and a bill of good health.  It's an...

Three men are on Mars and they are there to make money.  A consortium of businesses paid for their trip, since, you know, no NASA in 1952.

Their goal: find Uranium to mine.  Sure- why not?

Naturally, this whole thing is full of, well, less than accurate science.  There's oxygen on this Mars and they aren't going to freeze to death.

Oh and both guns and beer cans are usable on Mars.  I'm sure that Neil-Dygrasse Tyson would publically-mock this thing too.

Sure enough, they find a vein of Uranium on Mars!  Well, to be more accurate, they find a vein on the super-tiny set they work on.

Kudos for working with the limited production of the day.  I bet they were totally jealous when they started to see shows like The Twilight Zone and Night Gallery!

Seeing Leslie Nielsen with an Elvis-style pompadour and slick black hair is weird to people like me who first knew him from Airplane.

As time goes on (only a few minutes, mind you), one of them starts to grow suspicious and paranoid.  It is probably not helped by him constantly being shot in super-tight close-up like this is some sort of weird play.

Hell, watch alot of early TV and see just how much it is staged like Plays.  It was a weird transition.

They all start to get paranoid, in fact.  The fact that they all have guns is not good.

In other words, it is life in Texas.  Hi-oh!

Sure enough, they all start to fight and things only get worse.

In the End, they all kill each other.  It is here that we get the twist...

The camera pans out and we hear two voices talk about how they managed to get rid of the Earthlings.  They were real (and evil) all along!  The End.

It's a bit dated, but it is still neat.  The key thing is to look at this as the base for much of the Sci-Fi TV that would come in the future.  It is not quite as polished or as deep as The Twilight Zone, but you also wouldn't have that show without this.  Judged solely on its own merits, it is a good tale of what happens when you go into a venture solely for greed.  They didn't come to Mars to study it- they came to make money!  As such, you don't have a bunch of altruistic scientists trying to find the next breakthrough in science or anything.  In the compressed format, the break down in trust is both more and less effective.  On one hand, you don't get to see them long before it all goes down.  On the other hand, it feels so unnatural- which it is.  The worst part about it is just the dated staging and production values.  If you can look past that, it is quite good.  Plus, you get a preview of what would come for Nielsen in 1956's Forbidden Planet.  As for me, I do find some of the staging a bit distracting still...

Next up, we go out to the Dunes.  As long as there is no plastic armor or Sand Worms, I'm all good.  Stay tuned...

Indy Flix: Paranoia (2011)

Who would have expected a deep, serious film from a man who's seen more than one E.T. Porn Parody?  Seriously, he has and those are a thing.  Today's film is Paranoia (2011), a movie Written by and Starring Brad 'The Cinema Snob' Jones.  While he makes ad money by reviewing stuff like Pussy Talk or Deep Throat 2 (also not Porn Films- just for the record), he is also an Independent Filmmaker.  As part of our random Secret Santa program, my friend (and fellow reviewer of shit movies) Bob bought me his two most recent films.  The second is a film based around his Reviewer persona, so I figured that his more serious film would be a better place to start. Paranoia is about a man named Mark who has the worst night of his life...and then things get weird.  I will say now that the film has a real David Cronenberg-style vibe to it, so it will appeal to some of you more than it did me.  That is not to say that I didn't like the film- I'm just giving it a conditional note.  My biggest issue was with the wrap-up, which I will mostly avoid talking about.  I want the guy to be successful, so I'm not going to SPOIL too much of this.  Besides, the thing is only six bucks!  Coming from a man who has bought The Amazing Bulk twice (one for my friend and one for my own collection), I can tell you that I appreciate a good value!  To get a hint as to whether or not you should check this film out, read on...

Mark Bishop is having the culmination of a long, long period of bad luck.  His writing- failure.  His personal life- barely there.

As for his marriage, well...

 You be the Judge.

It is also notable that there is apparently a Serial Killer in this small Illinois town.  It is with that in mind that he is a bit freaked out when a stranger shows up at his door with a gun.

Things only escalate from there.  You know that your night is bad when you have to dump a body.

Things continue on a strange path for Mark Bishop.  He keeps seeing familiar people and he can't seem to lose that damn screwdriver!

I guess it is the film equivalent of the rotten fish from Space Quest VI.  That's a joke for all three of you that get the reference.  Enjoy.

Oh shit- he has a gun.  This is definitely going to get worse as the night goes on.

On the plus side, he is taking it all well.

I won't SPOIL where the Plot ends up going or anything.  I will say that Mark sees enough shit go down that he makes this face at least twice.

Like I said, the Ending is pretty weird.  In the film's defense, the seemingly-random nature of it is addressed.  Even so, it does make my head hurt a bit.  Thanks for the sympathy pain, Mark.  The End.

It wasn't quite what I was expecting.  Having never seen one of Brad Jones' films (to be fair, he didn't Direct it), I wasn't sure what to expect.  This is certainly deep, dark and cerebral.  I will grant you that there are some financial limitations to the film- like bullet wounds that only appear later-, but that is just something that is par for the course with an Indy Film.  The key is that films like this don't try to be bigger than what they can reasonably achieve.  I justifiably-give Attack From Beneath flack for trying to make a comparable film to Pacific Rim for a super small percentile of the budget.  Paranoia works in a lot of ways because it is a personal, character-focused and small in scale.  This is the tale of Mark Bishop- plain and simple.  What they choose to focus on is something that they can easily achieve.  Why is that so hard for people to figure out?!?  Anyhow, the film is pretty dark and dreary, which will probably turn some people off.  Ultimately, Paranoia is an interesting journey for one character that you will either connect with or just kind of get lost on by the end.  I still don't regret watching the film, even if I'm not 100% sure that I like the Ending.  Since nothing all that funny happens, I'll leave you with this totally-real gun with a plastic nub on the bottom (that all guns have)...

Next up, I finally tackle a film that has been sitting by my TV for like three months.  With sixteen books, but only one film...there must be something here.  Stay tuned...