Infamous Sequels: Superman III

It is pretty much as bad as they say.  Some films are known as Classics.  Movies like Citizen Kane sell themselves at this point.  You should still see them, but you get alot of the same effect just from hearing about it.  On the flip-side, there are films that are so famously-bad that they sell themselves (as shit) at this point.  If you haven't seen Plan 9 From Outer Space, you probably already know that it is bad and full of Continuity Errors.  On that note, I present you with Superman III.  If you don't know why it is so bad, let me lay it out for you.  Superman is practically the secondary Lead, it is chock full of stupid Comedy, it has about three actual Plots and is chock full of Filler.  Is that enough for you?  Let us get down to the 'brass tax' (or whatever out-dated expression that you prefer) now.  This film is bad.  I knew that it would be bad.  Even going in expecting bad though, I still found a way to be disappointed.  Yeah, it's that bad.  You see, there are more problems than just the obvious one.  Watching Superman III is kind of like digging through your Christmas presents, but only finding socks...that aren't even the right size.  You keep going, thinking that a great gift- like a Castle Grayskull playset - is hiding in there.  What you get is just more and more socks.  That is not to say that NOTHING in the film is good.  There are a few hidden gems in this movie, which is why I don't feel bad for having watched it.  You want to find out the good and the bad?  If so, read on...

The film begins with Richard Pryor as a schmuck named Gus.  He has no job and no money.  Naturally, he's perfectly-suited to become...a Computer Programmer?  F--k you, College!

Oh and is this subtle racism to have the black Comedian playing a jobless loser on Welfare (especially in the 1980s)?  Maybe...

Following that, we get the Intro scene that sums up the film quite well.  It is a long series of bad slapstick scenes with no rhyme or reason.  It is just...wow.

For those of you who wonder what Richard Lester added to Superman II, you can see it now: stupid, stupid comedy.

Here's a part that is often forgotten: Margot Kidder is barely in the film.  She has one scene near the beginning, leaves and reappears at the End.  Bye!

If you want to know why, she didn't like how the Salkinds (the Producers) treated Richard Donner, so this was her 'punishment.'  Um...damn you?

In a nearly-pointless diversion, Superman stops a chemical fire and Jimmy Olsen breaks his leg, cutting his screen time down as well.

Instead of focusing on that, let's focus on how he freezes THE TOP of a Lake and drops it on the fire, causing it to turn into rain during the descent.  Oh Mythbusters...

In Plot #13, Clark/Superman returns to Smallville for a story and meets Lana Lang.  He befriends her and her son Ricky.  The name choice is all just to set up an I Love Lucy reference for all five of you that remember that Episode.

Seriously, Richard Lester is old and only cares about old-timey jokes.  Please don't die anytime soon, Mr. Lester, or else I will feel like a real asshole (more than usual)  UPDATE: Still alive in 2018.

In the actual Plot, Not Lex Luthor (since Gene Hackman also was mad at the Salkinds) hires Gus to help with his plan to conquer the world...by way of forcing control of Coffee and Oil Reserves.  Yeah, the land ownership plots are better.

The only good part here involves Gus and Company making Kryptonite that acts like Red Kryptonite and makes Superman turn into a dick.  Highlights include adjusting the Tower of Pissa and blowing out the Olympic Torch.

Kudos to Reeve for his two performances (three if you count him as Clark) here.  Not Kudos to just about everything else.

I should mention that an early Draft of the Script- Written by Mrs. Salkind- included Mr. Mxyzpztlk and Braniac.  I say that since the finale- involving a Super Computer, Drones and a Kryptonite Beam- has the villain's sister turning into this...

Since Gus helped save Superman- after poisoning him with Kryptonite, stealing money, working for the villain and just generally being annoying- he gets off scot-free.  He doesn't take the job offered to him though, since...funny?

So we end with Superman flying into Space...in a shot from the first film.  Leave it to the Salykynds to end their involvement in the Film Franchise with Stock Footage.  The End.

Wow.  Just wow.  This is bad.  You already knew that though, right?  I will say that the film's bigger problem is the pacing.  I mean, just wow.  They waste so much damn time just to get to around two hours.  The chemical fire is long and drawn out.  What is the point of it?  Just to introduce the Acid at the Plant for Superman to use later.  That's it?  The numerous Sub-Plots- like Clark and Lana, the Contest at the Daily Planet, the Drunk Football Star- just pad the Run-Time out like crazy.  If you can get past this, the film is just not funny.  I rarely laughed.  I like to think that I have a broad sense of Humor, enjoying quirky jokes, dark humor, some slapstick and word-play.  This film was just dumb Slapstick with almost no logic.  The 'Worst Street In America' Opening bit is a great example of this.  Random Phone Booths that fall over, penguin dolls set on fire (foreshadowing Batman Returns) and Superman changing in a Photo Booth (since I guess all of the Phone Booths were no on their sides?) are just some of the 'wacky' moments here.  As a side note, I need to get Bob to review the Paperback Book Version that I bought for 50 cents.  Get on that, won't you?  In summary, this film is terrible.  I wonder if I should make Bob watch this next Round of Project Terrible.  In the mean-time, enjoy this weird and off-putting 3-D effect on the Credits (despite the Film not being in 3-D)...

Up next, I switch gears completely to review a Dario Argento film that I bought a while ago.  I'm kind of sticking to my New Year's Resolution...sort of.  Stay tuned...

Project (Not Entirely) Terrible: Dance or Die

Another month, another round of Project Terrible. Today's movie comes to me from Maynard Morrisey, and, well...

Argh.

...yeah.

Tonight's film is Dance or Die, which sadly has nothing to do with the only video game I can recall that features a skateboarding jousting competition, EA's 1998 Skate or Die (followed up by the even stranger Skate or Die 2: The Search for Double Trouble, featuring a skateboarder using a paintball gun in an action-adventure quest...and then Ski or Die, which is weird just for existing. And for completion's sake, let's mention Skate or Die: Tour de Thrash, which sounds to have really been more of a normal skateboarding game).

Early tangent done, back to the movie.

Dance or Die is the story of Jason, a dance instructor who shares a house with a buddy who happens to be a cocaine dealer. Things are pretty much guaranteed to go badly in that situation, so of course they do. When Jason's buddy is killed for ripping off his drug dealing partners, Jason's life spirals out of control. Threatened by the dealers--still looking for something that they claim he has--and receiving no particular help from the cops, he tries to find his way through the situation and get his life back.

Honestly...Dance or Die is not a bad film. It definitely has its problems, but look at the above description. Doesn't that sound at least a little interesting? Well...it is. Take a fairly sympathetic character, put him in a situation pretty much completely out of his control, and have him struggle to get a handle on things, and you can get an okay movie without needing to bring in much more. Dance or Die has some flaws that keep it from actually being good and that can jar you out of the movie from time to time, but overall, the film works fairly well.

Okay, no...I know what this looks like, but I just had to, um...weigh the fruit I bought at the grocery store. You know, to make sure they didn't overcharge me...you're not buying this, are you. So, uh, how's that girl you were stalking?

The central idea of the film is good, and the acting is actually pretty strong overall. Relationships mostly feel natural, conversations seem to flow without it feeling like anyone's reciting memorized lines, emotions are displayed appropriately...no one's giving an Oscar performance here, but just about everyone is acceptable at worst and pretty good at best. The plot and dialogue kept me interested just enough, and though there were times I started to pull back from the film, I never actually felt the need to step away from it for a while. I genuinely wanted to know what would happen. If you make a film that makes people want to know what happens next, you are succeeding at filmmaking.

One major point in the movie's favor is that the main characters are pretty sympathetic. There are flaws to this, and I'll get to some in a bit, but overall, Jason is a good main character. He's an average guy who had some problems with addiction, is trying to overcome them by going to AA meetings, and has supportive friends who are trying to help him stay clean. He's honestly trying to be a good person, and he wants to stay out of trouble. He tries to work with the police, and reaches out to his friends. His friends, as well, are generally portrayed as caring, helpful, and supportive, and I couldn't help but like them, too. I cared about what happened to them. If you make a film that makes people care about what happens to your characters, you are succeeding at filmmaking.

So, overall...Dance or Die was a film of moderate quality. It has some good strengths in its basic qualities, but it does have some notable stumbles.

First shot of the movie. No, really.

Before I get to those, though I would be remiss in not mentioning this film's very, very odd introduction. We get the opening credits as pretty bare-bones white text on black background, but they're interspersed with periodic clips of dancers in gloriously strange outfits doing...well, they basically do one dancing move each and then pose for a few seconds before we cut to credits again. And occasionally one of them has "blood" sprayed on them. All this is explained later on...okay, some of it is explained later on...but it's a wonderfully weird way to open the film. And in the middle of that we just kind of focus on a dancing school class at one point, which is more than a little strange mixed in with all the oddities.

Our hero.

Our introduction to the hero, Jason, is no less strange, as we first see a wonderfully undignified shot of him sleeping with his head pressed into the pillow face-first, and then his alarm clock goes off, but it's evidently set up to play a tape of piano music...so he starts dreaming about a group of dancers performing. We cut away from that for a second and Jason is suddenly outside performing handstand push-ups, is given a birthday gift, and then we see the rest of the dance dream...even though he's not dreaming anymore. Or something. I was very confused.

Now...those provide a nice lead in to a discussion about what this film primarily does wrong. This film really, really lacks the ability to clearly establish things in anything resembling a satisfactory manner. Everything from events to relationships even to characters' names at times can have an unpleasantly lengthy pause before proper revelation. Some examples:

• I spent half the movie thinking that one of Jason's friends from his AA meetings was his mother or perhaps step-mother.
• We see one bit early in the film where Jason (rather creepily) courts a woman in a grocery store, with a nice piano track backing the (stalking) scene. They introduce themselves, and the scene just kind of ends. Many, many scenes later, they're in the middle of a relationship. No bridge.
• Jason's drug-dealing buddy is killed, and Jason is grieving. So his AA friends (who I still thought were his parents at this point) come over. The man asks if Jason wants to stay with him, and the woman interrupts and says, "No, he's staying with me." Scene ends. Next scene is Jason at the dance studio. Scene after that...he's back at his own house. So apparently he turned both of them down, but the movie decided not to show us that. Just to be confusing.
• Some really awkward cuts...like a bit where Jason gets attacked in his dance studio and threatened at gunpoint (by a gangster who seriously sounds like he hasn't quite finished puberty...sorry, guy from the 80s who I'll probably never meet, but your voice was surprisingly high!)...and then just kind of shrugs the whole thing off and goes to dinner with his girlfriend, barely seeming bothered.
• The girlfriend makes a mold of Jason's key at one point. That goes nowhere. Given later revelations about her character it makes sense why she does it, but she never uses it, so...

There are lots of moments or flaws like those in the film, some big, some little. It makes the film harder to follow than it should be, considering the plot really isn't that complicated. At times (especially the bit with the gangster threatening Jason), it can feel like you're watching different movies that happen to star the same guy!

The film also introduces some unnecessary twists, which are also poorly established. It turns out his girlfriend is actually from the DEA, and engineered Jason's creepy stalking of herself at the grocery store despite...not really doing anything to encourage it. And his friend from AA is actually the Turtle, the drug dealer threatening Jason! Oops, no, she isn't...that twist lasts all of one scene. Things get seriously rapid-fire near the end, with Jason getting emotionally ping-ponged around by perceived betrayals or revelations that often aren't really what they seemed anyway. It gets a little goofy and introduces complexities that didn't need to be in the film.

The ending...I'm not going to spoil it as this was pretty okay, but the ending goes way too action movie and gets too cute and stylish for its own good as well. Gunfight during a dance performance that itself involves dancers acting out getting shot and having fake blood spray on them. Yeah. Who comes up with a show like that anyway? Jason goes all action hero, as does his girlfriend, and it just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the movie very well. They do nicely flirt with a really heavy downer of an ending before pretty nicely wrapping things up for Jason, though (though the drug plot itself has a seriously unsatisfying conclusion).

Finally, the film's other major problem is just going too stylish for its own good in general. Every so often, the film is interrupted to show Jason's daydreams or nightmares or some such...which are all weird dance numbers. A bunch of glam-rocker dancers torturing him while he's hung upside down...a strange dance with a bunch of guys in suits and wide-brimmed hats and scantily clad women...a sex scene transitioning to a dream about a couple dancing on a motorcycle...and of course the final action scene interspersed with bits from the dance performance. Sometimes the movie just pauses to show a dance number for a while, and while the dancing is actually pretty good overall, it feels weird to just pause the movie and show that for 3-5 minutes. I get that they wanted to involve dancing in the film, but if they did, couldn't they have made the preparations for the performance a bigger part of the plot instead of kind of pushing that off to the side where it barely matters and featuring dream-dances instead? Heck, involve one of his students in the drug plot too and you tie it all together!

So, basically, this is a decent film concept that is marred by some jarring transitions, lack of proper establishment of facts and persons, and some over-stylish ideas. There are some plot-holes and other issues, but honestly they're rather minor. The film just makes itself harder to watch than it needs to, and that took me right out of the movie several times.

Some minor bits to close:

• Wonderful line: "I wanna be able to go home, see a pile of cocaine, and say, 'ah, no big deal!'" You know, I would rather just come home and not see a pile of cocaine, thank you very much. 
• One of Jason's AA buddies pretty much says the same thing--that he should really move out of the place if his roommate is actively dealing drugs from his home--and he just kind of shrugs it off. Our hero. 
• I like Jason, but the whole "I'm happily living in a home with a drug dealer who I consider my best friend" thing is a major hole in his character. Drug dealers are not sympathetic and friendly relationships with them make you less so. It also doesn't make a lot of sense...Jason was an addict. He should know better than anybody how bad drugs are and how much they can screw up your life...but he's basically fine with this guy sharing his place.
• Jason is still sympathetic, and does try to work with the cops, but at the same time he doesn't work with them that well. The most major note: He fails to inform them that he's getting threatening phone calls until after he finally finds the drugs he thinks the calls are about. In fact, he still doesn't inform them about the threats, not until he's told that the guy who helped him find the drugs stashed in his house is dead. Then it's, "Oh, by the way, I was being threatened." Seriously?
• I stated this above, but it bears restating: Jason dreams in seriously strange dance numbers. And from dialogue in the film, these end up being part of his show design. O_O Honestly, buddy, I have difficulty believing you're actually off the cocaine if you keep dreaming about glam rocker dancers torturing you.
• And his friend hid the stolen cocaine in a Coke bottle. I...I can't decide if that's funny or not. I do kind of wonder how Jason didn't find it without help, though, considering he's continued living in the house and had to open the fridge at some point. I guess he really really aggressively only drinks Pepsi. (...which could actually be a plot point, as Jason has a Pepsi machine in his dance studio.)
• There's a kind of awesome bit when the thug first jumps Jason in the studio, where Jason's just gotten a drink out of said Pepsi machine. So Jason clocks him with the full soda can and then hurls it at him. Kicks his butt quite convincingly, actually, until the guy pulls a gun, so that was kind of cool.

Look...this wasn't a good film, but it was acceptable. The biggest problem Dance or Die has is that it gets somewhat disjointed and kind of jumps around. It needs some more effective transitions, a little more of a plan to its story, and some more establishment of...well...a lot of things. What it has going for it is some good characters and a good main plot idea. It just needs some work tying everything together into a cohesive whole. It isn't terrible, but it doesn't live up to its potential by a long shot.

All in all, this is one Troma release that didn't beat me over the head with raw stupidity and/or offensiveness, so I'm thankful for that at least.

At least the film makes a strong argument for manners. Don't flip people the bird...

...or you die. Heck of a PSA.

Actually Kind-of-Awesome Cover Art: Apartment 1303 (Remake)

I gave the original Japanese film credit for some cool Cover Art, so it is only fair that the newer Remake gets the same.

I still don't speak for the quality of either film (as I still haven't seen them)- merely the Art itself.  Enjoy...

It isn't the most original design I've seen, but it does look cool.  It is weird enough to make me go 'I want to see what this is actually about.'

That's what a Poster is for, so...good job, I guess.

Indie Flix: The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (2005)

I must again- how have I not reviewed this yet?!?  Today's film is The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari...or rather the 2005 Remake- now with Sound!  There's an extra special irony to that bit, but I'll get to that later.  Just a note: the Original Dr. Caligari is a great, great movie.  It introduced surreal imagery into Cinema (it may not have been the first, mind you) and is often credited with giving us the first Twist Ending in Cinematic History.  Suck it, Shyamalan!  So that begs the question: why Remake it?  Well, let's be honest, some people will not watch Silent Films.  Heathens!  All kidding aside, I totally get it.  The movies aren't in Color, you have to pause to read the Cards and the Acting seems over-the-top.  As a fast reader, I find myself always like a minute ahead of the Cards- I get it.  Some eighty-five years or so after the Original, someone did a Remake.  It has Sound, it has an expanded Story and it makes interesting use of the original sets.  The Original is famous for its surreal Set Design, with doors that open upwards and bizarre, angular bridges.  If you ever said to yourself 'Set Design isn't that important,' then watch the Original film.  The Story involves the titular Doctor coming to Town and murder quickly following him.  Are him and his somnambulist servant Cesar behind it?  Is there more to the Story?  To find out, you can either watch the original (I can wait) or you can read...

The tale is being told to a man on a bench by our hero.  If you don't know the how this Story goes, don't SPOIL it for your friend just yet.

Caligari comes to Town and opens up his show.  He doesn't get along with its owner- Holy Tuvok!- which certainly isn't a Plot Point for later.

His show involves bringing out his Somnambulist (aka a Sleepwalker) Cesar who can predict the future via his dreams.  Our heroes unhinged friend asks about his future, only to be told that he will die in one day.

The prototype John Edwards was a bit creepy.

Sure enough, he gets killed.  This following a couple recent killings, including Tuvok from earlier.

Cesar in the film is played by Doug Jones, a man who appears often as a Suit Performer.  Twice in his Career he actually had dialogue- as Abe Sapien in Hellboy and as The Silver Surfer in Fantastic Four II-, only to have the Studio(s) hire a guy to dub over it.

So, at this point, one of his few Speaking Roles is in the Remake of a Silent Film.  Irony?

Our hero takes the whole thing personally, especially when his love interest is nearly killed by Cesar.  He stakes out the place where his kept...but he never leaves.

If he didn't leave while a killing happened, what...happened?

I just want to take a moment to highlight the way the film uses the Original footage.  For some of the better back drops from said film, they put them in digitally.  It is pretty seamless.

Way to use the good stuff, movie!

The whole thing starts to wrap up, but still doesn't make alot of sense.  Let's just ask Cesar to...oh.

As it turns out, our hero is telling the story in an Asylum.  His friend- an Orderly.  Cesar- another Orderly.  Dr. Caligari- well, he's just an actual Doctor.

Say it with me: What a Twist!  The End.

Everything about this is good.  So where do I begin?  You take a Film Classic and you essentially just make it with Sound.  Yeah, there is more to it though.  Much like Call of Cthulhu, they do more than just stick people in front of Green Screen Footage.  It is no Amazing Bulk.  Darn?  They take the film, don't mess with it and make it more accessible.  Everyone is good, toning down the pantomime that came with the Original being a Silent Film.  I have no complaints about any of the performances honestly.  If you can't make it through a Silent Film (heathen), then check this version out.  It is up there with solid Remakes of Silent Film Classics like Nosferatu, Nosferatu: The Goth Industrial Mix and Shadow of the Vampire (with a bit of a stretch).  There are alot of Nosferatu Remakes by the way.  Anyhow, this is an underrated Indy Film worth a look.  I got it for like $2 from a Hollywood Video.  Your results may vary.  Take us away, Producers leaving in a German sign in the footage.

Next up, I cover one of the more infamous film sequels ever made.  It has no nukes, but it does have a coked-up Comedian.  Stay tuned... 

Project Terrible: Demented Death Farm Massacre (aka Honey Britches)

This is practically the Unholy Trinity of Bad Movies.  There are many factors that can make a Bad Movie.  Such factors include a bad Director (e.c. Ed Wood), a bad Writer (e.c. Ed Wood), an equally-bad idea (e.c. Ed Wood's Night of the Ghouls).  Hmm...I wonder if there is a pattern?  All Ed Wood bashing aside, there are a few things to really look for.  For example, what if the movie is Credited to a famously-bad Director like Fred Olen Ray?  That's definitely worth a point.  What if the film 'Stars' John Carradine in a tiny role where he gets top/high billing?  That's worth at least one point, possibly two.  You could argue that Carradine alone being in a film made in the last fifty years counts (with rare exceptions).  The films in which he barely appears, but gets high billing in are usually pretty bad (see Frankenstein Island, The Wizard of Mars, Doctor Dracula) as a general rule.  Besides just relating to Carradine, this bait-and-switch tactic is pretty reprehensible just on face value.  So here's the Story: this is a patchwork film.  It is no Curse of Bigfoot, but it is pretty silly.  Basically, we have an unsold film called Honey Britches.  Fred Olen Ray got his hands on it, got John Carradine to shoot new footage (it is not the first time!) and retitled it.  Troma ultimately released this, so you can get a gauge on the quality right there.  Is it good, bad or Terrible?  To find out, read on...

After two minutes of B-Roll footage of a rusty truck driving, we get the title card (see above) and then this dubious credit.

'Starring,' you say?  Well, let's examine this...

Carradine appears in the inky black void of...the Woods, I think and says that he is the Judge of Hell (or something).  He makes a confusing statement about people are lucky to get his attention...but won't live to experience the joy of it.

I ask this again: was your Theater Troupe worth it, Mr. Carradine?

So here's the plot: a bunch of robbers have their car break down.  Naturally, they wander through the Woods to find a way to escape.

The only notable member is the leader with his posh Donald Pleasance-sounding accent.

I won't lie: this is a piece of shit.  I've struggled to find the interest to watch it over the last few days.  Troma films do that to me.

In spite of everything wrong with it, I can't ever stay mad at it.  I can't place why...

 This face pretty much sums up this movie in a nutshell.  I'll let you decide why.

 Although this face is pretty good too.  Take your pick, I guess.

To get a real feel for how this 'movie' works, I must insert this random shot of John Carradine.  After all, it is what Fred Olen Ray added.

Seriously, they will just randomly cut to Carradine saying things like 'The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away' for about 30 seconds and abruptly cuts back to the story.

Sparing you a lot of time, I can tell you that the Robbers try to take over the Farmer's Moonshine operation, which leads to murder.  For some reason, they play this and a later attack scene in slow motion.

I can only guess that this was done to lengthen the run-time.  This was actually done as a Meta joke on Garth Merengi's Dark Place, so I hope that it's not the case!

This leads to a silly chase scene in the Forest- after one of the ladies is randomly run over by a truck- the Cast is whittled down to just the Farmer and his Wife.

They discover the jewels that were stolen and get rich...or they would if the Wife didn't shoot the guy.  This apparently pleases Carradine, since 'the bad were punished and the good rewarded.'  Yeah, murder is a positive trait.  The End.

It is Terrible, especially in this format.  Let it be said that the premise isn't bad.  What they do with it is.  The Characters are all awful.  The 'heroes' are annoying, the villains are idiotic and Carradine is...well, clearly somewhere else.  He is by far the best part of the movie- naturally.  It would be nice if he could have actually had inciteful things to say, rather than just being like his character in Red Zone Cuba.  As a side note, I wish he could have sung a song called 'Honey Britches.'  Mind you, I love Vincent Price's Cover of 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' too.  I guess I shouldn't expect a whole lot from a film that couldn't sell on its own merits.  After all, I've already seen Carradine in this kind of thing twice- in Dr. Dracula and Horror of the Blood Monsters.  At least Carradine's part was only the FIRST thing added to the latter film.  Yes, I do have low standards.  The bottom line: this is a film that is not funny, scary or remotely-interesting.  If I'm going to have random John Carradine, I'll just stick with The White Buffalo.  On second thought...

Next up, I finally revisit a previous viewing and purchase.  Will this be a rare Remake that I like better than the Original?  Stay tuned...

Actually-Kind-of-Awesome Cover Art: Apartment 1303

I have given the Original and Remake of Apartment 1303 some flack for their less-than-inspired Cover Art.  Well, let's give the devil (or some sort of ghost girl, I'm guessing) their due.

Here's a much cooler bit of Cover Art for the Original film...

That's...creepy.

I must admit- it does make me curious.  Part of me thinks that the film will be full of the usual cliches, but this Poster does pique my interest.

Good job, creepy Poster.