Rare Flix: Deadly Blessing

Thanks for splurging on the High-Def Version, Netflix!  Today's film is Deadly Blessing, a film that is not remembered all that well.  Maybe it's the lack of a major DVD/Blu-Ray Release that hurts it.  After all, why would Netflix's Streaming Version be a pretty blatant VHS Rip?  It's not like there was a Blu-Ray Release from let's just say January of this very year.  Getting past my annoyance about the version carried by my provider of Movies, let's talk about the actual film, shall we?  Deadly Blessing is an early film by Mr. Craven and it's about evil Amish.  It's okay to trash talk them- they'll never read this!  A young woman's life is turned upside down by the sudden death of her husband and she calls her friends in to help.  What is the secret of the nearby not-actually-Amish group?  Are they really evil or is something more going on?  More importantly, who would trust Ernest Borgnine to lead a Religion after The Devil's Rain?  To find out the answer to SOME of those questions, read on...

*Before I begin properly, I just want to note that some of my Screen Caps were found online.  Others you'll see later were taken by me.  See if you notice the difference in quality.*

A group called the Hittites (which features Michael Berryman!) is 'all up in the grill' of a guy who left the group.  Him and his wife aren't exactly living in peace.

Their Leader- Ernest Borgnine- is especially animated about it.  He looks like a Muppet!

The husband dies in a freak 'accident' so our heroine calls her friends for help.  When in doubt, endanger friends AND loved ones!

One of her two friends is played by Sharon Stone.  She spends the whole movie pretty much reacting and being scared.  Who said that there were no great roles for women?

Three years before he would do the famous Tub Scene in Nightmare on Elm Street, Craven would do a prototype version with a snake here.  It's just one of two moments like this, actually.

Eventually, the brother of the dead husband leaves the Hittites because he has the hots for one of our heroine's friends.  It all works out, though, when they are both burned to death.  Ha ha ha- death pun!

The climax of the film comes when a couple crazier members of the Hittites attack the house.  It's all very stock, but it's not exactly the end.

After everything seems to have calmed down, everyone leaves the house, save for our heroine.  Suddenly, the lights go out, a zombie version of the husband shows up and the oft-mentioned Succubus pops out of the floor (echoing Freddy's ending attack from Nightmare) and pulls her to Hell.

So yeah, that happened.  The End.

It's interesting from an historical standpoint, but that's about it.  Blessing suffers from low-production values, odd pacing and just a general sense of malaise.  There are a few really good, tense scenes in the film, but they are way too spread out.  It reminds me a bit of A Blade in the Dark in a lot of ways.  That film was Made-For-TV (in Italy) and featured kill scenes every 15 minutes on the dot.  If the film was paced a bit better, I'd really not have a whole lot to complain about.  It's a neat story about sectioned-off societies trying to co-exist with a World that's different and determining who is wrong.  I think that a really good movie could be made with this premise.  Oh right- there was one and it was called Witness.  All kidding aside, I would have liked to see a lot more from here.  That crazy Ending almost makes the whole thing worth it- almost.  It's a flawed film that shows what Craven could and would do as a Director.  Oh and, seriously, spring for the High-Definition Version.  It's the least that you could do.  Take us away, Not-So-Revealing Mistake...

Next up, a crazy Bollywood film that comes from...Canada.  I'm mostly reviewing it for one special *fake* Guest Star.  Stay tuned...

2,100th Post Celebration: Dead in 3 Days

For this next milestone, I wanted to do something less terrible than your Amazing Bulks or Actium Maximus'.  To be honest, how much worse could I get?  Instead, I'll be covering a Thriller from Austria.

Wait- Austria, I said?  There's only one way to do that then...

Austrian Slash Flick: Dead in 3 Days

Dead in 3 Days
Foreign Title: In 3 Tagen bist du Tot

Austria, 2006

Director: Some Austrian Guy (aka Andreas Prochaska)
5/10

Dead is notable for being an Austrian Slasher Film.  Other than being dark and grungy, that's about it.  People are attacked, people are stalked and people die.  It's got a dark look and tone that a lot of people will like.  As for me, it just makes me think that I need a Tetanus shot!  If you like dark, painful and hopeless horror, this is certainly up your alley.

If you aren't a fan of this kind of film, the movie will do nothing to change your mind.  Not every film has to be revolutionary, I suppose.  You have to learn to walk before you can do Parkour, after all.  That said, the performances feel real and I did feel a bit of something for these people.  

The big problem with this, however, is the long delay of the reveal of the killer's motive.  I can understand it to a certain extent, but no hints are given at all for a good 2/3 of the film.  Throw me a bone, movie!  Other than that, I don't have much to say.  It's good, but not great.  If it heralds bigger and better films, good.  If it doesn't, it's a real shame.

While it's nothing special, it's a well-made, middle-of-the-road Slasher film from the lovely little country of Austria.

Wow, that was weird.  It's hard to write like you, Maynard!  How do you do it all of the time?

******

Next up, Wes Craven brings us another Rare Flix courtesy of Streaming.  Oh and thanks for the VHS Rip, Netflix!  Stay tuned...

Because I Watched It: Mommy

The best gifts are those that you re-gift.  That's what cheap bastards say at least.

Because I didn't feel like watching Invisible Mom- can you blame me?-, here's a cheaper thing to do.  If they upload it, we will watch...

To see my review of this film- and its sequel-, go the links back there.

In all honesty, the film isn't terrible.  It's melodramatic as all hell, so there's some good comedy there.

Enjoy this day with your Mother.  Well, unless she's a Serial Mom.  That bitch is crazy.

Mondo Bizarro Reviews Anime: Marvel's X-Men Anime

Yeah, so I'm kind of cheating here.  Marvel's X-Men Anime was Written by Warren Ellis, Production was overseen by Americans and its based on Characters created by Stan Lee.  It is, however, an Anime through and through.  I'm also cheating a bit since I've been a life-long comic book fan and chose to see how they worked this.  I'm probably still going to do the tale of time-traveling and gender-swapping warriors in the future.  So can we all agree that everyone at least knows the basic concept of The X-Men?  Good.  This tale mixes a couple story ideas (i.e. The Dark Phoenix and Proteus Sagas) and throws them in a crazy blender.  They also use two characters that play a bigger part in the current comics, excising major characters like Colossus, Rogue and Maggot.  Okay, maybe that last one wasn't major, but you get the point.  A few of these Characters- and Captain Britain- do appear briefly in the final Episode, but I'll get to that later.  The story is interesting here, even if it has to be stretched a bit thin to reach twelve episodes.  It would be a really good 9-10 Episode show, but it is what it is.  Let's just build an 'X' in some wreckage and read on...

The film begins In Media Res with the Dark Phoenix knocking everything around and blowing shit up.  Did I miss the first three Episodes?

Oh and they never cut back, which makes it not a real use of In Media Res.  Leave it to the Japanese to make simple writing tropes all wacky.

Speaking of the attack, Wolverine is in his classic brown costume with mask.  After about twenty seconds, his face is smashed with a beam, destroying the mask.  He never wears it for the rest of the series.

So...I guess you don't like the mask, huh?

Anyhow, Jean dies to stop her rampage.  After that, the story jumps ahead roughly a year as the team grives- just like Wolverine and the X-Men (only with Jean instead of Professor Xavier)- and they go to investigate some missing Mutants in Japan.

So yeah, they're in Japan.  Did everyone not see that coming?

The villains are the U-Men.  They're crazy Scientists who capture and dissect Mutants as part of their experiments.  What are they after in Japan though?

Further investigation uncovers come bizarre effects taking place in the Mountains near where the disappearances took place.  Weird stuff.

One of the U-Men mentions a beast in the area.  Is it the source of the mutations?  Is it causing more Mutants to appear per capita in the area than anywhere else?  Hmm..

As for Professor Xavier, he decides to join in on the action in Episode 8 (I believe), but, naturally, doesn't actually make it there until Episode 12.  As you can see, he took the scenic route.

Highlights include Wolverine finally letting his Berzerker Rage (and Barrage) loose in the last few Episodes.  Good stuff, even if they do make you wait.

I won't SPOIL who or what this creature is other than to say that it plays a big part in the finale.  Of course, since I want to exploit a popular film for website attention...

Here's the literally five seconds of on-screen Iron Man from the last episode.  You get as much animation here as there is too.  He's literally just a single frame dragged across the screen.  Glorious and cheap, huh?  The End.

A lot of what makes this good is what makes it only so-so.  The plot is interesting, brings in many unique characters and has a lot of mystery.  As a counter-point, however, the plot is stretched thin to reach series length, many of the characters only get one or two great moments and the mystery is pretty clearly solved (at least by me) about three Episodes ahead of the Cast.  Like I said, it's not a bad story.  It introduces Armor- who is most famous from Joss Whedon's Astonishing X-Men comic- and actually makes Emma Frost into a pretty nuanced Character.  One downside (for me, anyhow) is the penchant for Dragonball Z-style 'Let's stand around and talk instead of stopping the bad guy' scenes.  Cyclops- you can shoot Optic Blasts, so how about you stop talking to the villain who's going to destroy the world.  There are also characters like Storm, who's Weather Manipulation Powers are mostly used for shoot lightning, shoots lots of lightning and...shoot more lightning.  It is especially silly when she's fighting a guy who turns into water.  Just freeze him, you idiot!  An odd, but understandable change is turning The Hellfire Club into The Inner Circle.  What's less understandable is replacing key villains like Sebastian Shaw, Donald Pierce (White Bishop) and Harry Leland (Black Bishop) with Marsh, Rat and Neuron.  They're not terrible characters, but it's just odd. The final verdict: it's got enough X-Men to please comic fans and feels enough like Anime to please those fans.  If you're not either one, you probably won't care all that much.  I'll leave you with my favorite gag of the whole thing: Squid Teacher.

Up next, a tale of time travel, women's lib and the Warring States period.  It's like if you mixed Dynasty Warriors with Final Fantasy X-II!  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: Cannibal Holocaust

An exploitation film's German Box Art.  I wonder if a certain reader from that area has seen it...

So yeah, that's a pretty direct cover.  I mean, you've got a dead body and what appears to be rape on the VHS Box.

I guess that stops the 'I didn't know that it would be so violent' excuse.  Deodato was never subtle, I suppose.

New Crap?: Bunraku

Okay, I'll admit it: I don't get it.  Whatever the point of this movie was, it's just beyond me.  If you like the film, that's fine.  If you hate it, that's fine too.  As for me,...I just don't get it.  Bunraku is a 2010 film that is best described (read: how I describe it) as the bastard child of Sin City and Dogville.  Who does that?  Well, aside from some crazy Austrian or maybe Quentin Dupiex (aka Maynard's favorite Director).  So what is the film about?  Well, a guy comes into town...followed by another guy and fighting ensues.  Project it all under weird lights, make silly sets, add in some odd narration and you've got Bunraku.  Still interested?  To find out what's going on (sort of), read on...

The film begins with some odd narration about how man nearly destroyed the World and rebuilt it without bombs and guns.

While the mix of puppets and paper figurines is creative, I have to wonder what the hell this has to do with anything.  Is this necessary?

The film- whose cast includes Josh Hartnett, Gackt, Ron Perlman, Woody Harrelson and Kevin McKidd- is about two drifters- Hartnett and Gackt- who come to Town.  What is their motivation?  Who's asking?

The pair- aided in part by Harrelson- go after the big villains in Town- McKidd and Perlman, after they beat each other up, that is.  The problem...

None of this is remotely as interesting as those behind it seem to think.  I just...I just could not get into this one.  The End.

Sorry if you liked this one.  Look, I watch a lot of movies- too many, some might say.  With me, there's a fine line between being weird- i.e. Rubber, the stick puppet Dante's Inferno, etc- and just being a weird mess- i.e. We Are The Strange, Live Freaky Die Freaky.  Am I saying that Bunraku is as bad as those last two films?  No.  Very films are that bad, to be honest.  My problem with this film is that it's just kind of weird to be weird.  There's no overall theme that it's going for- like Inferno's dark humor mixed with political commentary- that would allow me to accept it.  This is just a strange film full of random Actors that did absolutely nothing to hold my interest.  I'll stick to the real thing, I guess...

Next up, a film by Wes Craven that features Sharon Stone, Ernest Borgnine and Michael Berryman.  Another day, another random cast.  Stay tuned...

(Semi) Immediate Response: Iron Man Three

Well, I saw Iron Man 3 last night...and had to pretty much go to bed right away in order to get up this morning.  So let's break the whole thing down about 12 hours later...

The Good

* The Acting is top notch all around.  Downey Jr is, naturally, good at this role by now.  Don Cheadle and the rest play more subtle characters- well, save for Guy Pearce.  Pearce plays the role full-tilt, which really works here.

* The film is chock full of good jokes and one-liners.  They even throw in some obscure ones for people like me, such as referring to an Extremis user with red eyes by saying 'Hey, Westworld.'

* The new villains are unique, as they are not just some other form of armored villains.  After two films, it's nice to see them try new things.

* The action is very good and differing.  Without SPOILING too much, there is a lot of non-suit action in the middle.  There is plenty in the Climax though, which leads me to my next point...

* Downey Jr. commented in Interviews that they wanted to make the best Third Act of the series.  They achieved it.  Bravo to all involved.

* Lastly, the film makes great use of the previous films' themes and stories.  It all wraps up nicely, concluding plot points and leaving room for new films to come, with or without Robert Downey Jr.

The Bad

* The film can be a bit too 'in love with itself' sometimes.  I didn't mind, but others might.

* A lot of people are probably disappointed by the changes made to The Mandarin.  I don't disagree...but I liked what they did in the film with the one they had.

* And now, my case-winning question: Why the hell is he called The Mandarin?

In summary, if you liked the Marvel films so far, you owe it to yourself to see this one.  Shane Black- as Co-Writer and Director- brings a unique feel to the film, while not sacrificing the feel of the originals.  It's a really good film.  It makes me really curious to see where the Marvel films are going.  Will Thor: The Dark World give me more of what I liked in the first one?  Will a tonal shift change Captain America: The Winter Soldier for the worse?  What will The Avengers 2 be like?  I, for one, can't wait to find out.  Hurry up, November!

Oh and for everyone that got my Clerks: The Animated Series joke, I applaud you.  Good on ya!

Satan Science: Rain of Fire

Stop me if you've heard this one before.  A man discovers that his adopted son just may be the Anti-Christ.  As people die around him, the end of the World may be nigh and he seems to be going mad.  Can he kill his Son, doing a bad thing to ultimately do a good one?  

This is The Omen, right?  Wrong.  

This is Rain of Fire aka Holocaust 2000 on VHS from the 1980s.  

I actually did that Cover Art a while back, not realizing what the actual film was.  

Which is the real title?  I think it's Rain, but these could be new credits.  It's not like film haven't had their credits altered for DVD releases- I'm looking at you, Amityville *Blank Space*: It's About Time!

  So yeah, this is sort of The Omen.  What makes it different is the focus on Nuclear Power and how they make it part of the 'End Times' story.  It's The China Syndrome Omen, I guess.  

As a side-note, Brian De Palma kind of/sort of ripped-off Carrie for The Fury, which also starred Kirk Douglas.  

So this film does make some changes here and there, most notably in the ending.  It's silly and unique enough to stand on its own, as opposed to something like Abbey.  

To find out if Satan (and big Nuclear) wins, read on...

Douglas is planning to build a large, Nuclear Reactor out in The Holy Lands.  That's Walmart-level sacrilege!

Oh and look at how subtle this movie is.  Nice, huh?

This Reporter tries to convince Douglas that evil is afoot.  

He starts to believe her when pictures from the cave end up matching a drawing from thousands of years ago.  

Hmm...

You can't be a rip-off of The Omen without ripping off it's most famous death scene, can you?  

Get on that, movie!  

There- much better.

In the mix is Douglas' adopted son named, wait for it, Angel.  

He kind of/sort of killed the mother during an attack and wants the project to go ahead full blast.  

What can be so evil about it?

Well, for those of you in the back who didn't get it, they spell it out really REALLY overtly.  Seriously, this scene is 'drive the knowledge into your head with a spike' subtle.

Basically, the Power Plant is the Anti-Christ, with the same amount of 'heads,' 'horns' and 'crowns.'  

How does this actually work?  They don't say, really.

The film's trippiest part comes when Douglas has a bizarre, fever dream about the project.  

His body double...I mean, he runs around naked and stands in front of some cheesy effects.  Just wow, movie.

We get a few goof, Omen-style kills here throughout.  

That said, they're mostly just laughable- like the ones in The Omen IV.  This guy gets killed by a sliding door.  

How...how does that work?  

Is your spine made out of Jello?!?

Douglas confronts 'Angel' and they fight, but he ends up in a Mental Asylum.  

It's the same one where the guy who killed his wife is staying...because nobody would check that.  

What is Douglas' big plan to save the day?

If you guessed 'Go to his new girlfriend and just hide in the Desert,' you'd be right.  

You'd sadly, sadly be right.  Lame.  The End.

Satan works in very mysterious ways.  Seriously, what is this plan?!?  All I can figure is that the Reactor is the Serpent and it blows up the World.  

So Fallout is the End Times, huh?  I'd wander around aimlessly and blow up super-mutants' heads with a shotgun in that.  

The thing that gets me is that this film is pretty much all set-up.  It's like The Final Countdown, really.  The film has some amusing and weird moments certainly, but really suffers from a vague execution.

 

It's also full of issues too.  For example, 'General Zod' below tries to kill Douglas to stop the Plant from being made.  After he's locked up in the Asylum, Douglas is targeted by the guy again.  Um, why?  

What could he possibly do now?  What are you, crazy?  Oh, right.  

Regardless, the whole film just feels silly.  I do appreciate that they treat it so seriously.  It makes it a lot easier to mock, that's for sure!  I recommend this film if you like over-dramatic rip-offs.  It's so goofy that makes me just want to scream!

Next up, a psychedelic action film with a really eclectic cast.  If it's so interesting, why has it taken me this long to watch it?  Stay tuned...

Totally-Misleading AND Lost in Translation Cover Art: Eaten Alive!

This one is a doozy!

It's one of the many infamous Covers from Ghana.  As a bonus, it's a title lie, but at least one that with a minor basis in reality.

So, in summary, people eating?  This sure is something.

As a side note, I love how there are three really expressive faces here and one guy just going 'Meh- what are you going to do?'

Rare Flix: House III- The Horror Show

Oh, the Horror!  After a couple of years away, I finally watched the third film in the House series.  Why so long?  No reason, really.  I added House III to my Instant Queue a long time ago...but just never watched it. All of a sudden, a bunch of my film options were about to expire, including this one.  I said 'Well, I've got two days to watch this crap.  Which is the most important?"  I chose this one- as opposed to Panga or Terrorvision-, so let's see how good my judgement call is?  House III is not actually House III- it's just The Horror Show.  However, the film was marketed overseas as such and the next *actual* sequel was forced to be called House IV.  So while it may not be House III, the next film is still House IV.  If this one doesn't count, is House III in the same boat as Leonard: Parts 1-5?  What is the film about?  Well, a guy is terrorized in his House- hence the title- by the ghost of a killer that he caught and get sent to 'the chair.'  No, this isn't Shocker.  Both films were released in the same year and both did not exactly set the world on fire financially.  However, this film *technically* had a Sequel, allowing it to best its rival.  I can't tell you which is better until I actually see Shocker- which should happen soon enough.  Until then, let's see if this Lance Henriksen 'sequel' to a film he wasn't in is better than The Mangler 2, Mimic III or Damien: The Omen II.  We're setting the bar nice and low here, so let's see if he can limbo under it...

As the film opens with fake home movies of Lance and company, we see the first warning sign: this writing credit...

I soldiered on anyhow and we see a man named Max Jenke (pronounced like the singular form of that Scooby-Doo catchphrase) has killed a bunch of people.  Thanks to some confusing transitions and use of dreams, we're not sure what is happening.  This is especially true...

...when the man appears in bed dressed as Lance's wife.  Ew.

As it turns out, *most* of what Lance dreamed was true.  The man is sent to 'the chair,' but doesn't go down his easy.  Seriously, this dude defies all of the laws of nature here...but he's only just gotten started.

Thanks to, um, being evil or something, his spirit leaves his dead body and begins to make our hero think he's crazy.  Cue a whole slew of Freddy Kreuger-style actions like this weird sight gag below.

Just to note: Shocker is the one made by Wes Craven.  This film is just ripping him off...while he may or may not be ripping them off.  Confused?

The Police think that the daughter's boyfriend was killed by Lance since his body was found in the basement.

I should also mention that the guy is tricked and killed just like in Amityville 1992, which would come later.  I mention that since the son was in Amityville 4...in the same year as this film.  Weird.

After a lot of weird visuals and fake-outs, he attacks the family directly...with illusions.  I get that you like making crazy visuals, but some real things happening would be nice.

On the plus side, this guy's head blows up.  That's one thing off of the check list.

In The End, the villain is beaten when his spirit is zapped with electricity...in a dream world and his real body is shot to death.  I guess a man's corpse suddenly re-appearing clears you...although he is dead again.

The film ends with the missing cat being found and this freeze frame.  We aren't really going to have TWO Aron Eisenberg films about ghosts in houses end with the 'evil cat' bit are we?  Really?!?

For a Horror Show, I wasn't that bothered.  The film is kind of a mixed bag, to be honest.  What makes it interesting is often what causes the problems with it too.  The crazy visuals and tricks are interesting.  You see stuff like that guy's head explode, a decapitated head cry out and a serial killer's face on a cooked turkey.  The problem is that the drama is really hurt by this.  While Elm Street balanced these out a bit, this film just goes full-tilt crazy with them.  I didn't hate them- I just didn't feel much for the drama either.  The film is also full of little things that are either not explained properly or just feel silly.  In one scene, ghost Jenke shows up in the Interrogation Room and splits the table.  When the Cops come by later, the table is broken in two still and NOBODY asks Lance what happened to it!  Do you guys not see that?!?  There's also a weird sub-plot involving the son making fake complaints to get paid off in free samples.  Where does that go?  Nowhere.  What does it lead to?  Nothing.  Why.  Is.  That.  Here?!?  The film does have a great villain, even if his motivations are nothing more than 'Me be evil' and his powers come from...um, being really evil.  Hopefully Shocker explains this shit, since this film didn't.  The late James Isaac made a really neat-looking film...but it's easy to see why it never quite made the most lasting impression.  Take us away, thing that makes this REALLY House III...

Next up, a film for everyone that liked The Omen, but wished that it was also The China Syndrome.  For all three of you, I've got the film for you!