Tubi Thursday: The Mechanic (1972)

 After doing so many Remakes, I thought it might be fun to flip the script a bit and do an original Film that GOT a Remake.

More Bronson Films too- bonus!

In a very '70s opening, a Hitman- Bronson- watches a man, takes notes, sets up an event and then executes it.

It being the man.
He blows up a guy and we get no dialog until after this happens, a full 16 minutes into the Film.

He is hired by Keenan Wynn to help him with some business, since he worked with Bronson's Dad.

He meets up with a woman- his Wife Jill Ireland- who he apparently hires to act like a sad, left-behind girlfriend...but she's actually a Prostitute.

Does this count as roleplaying for the pair IRL?

Shock twist- Bronson actually is hired to kill Wynn and does so.

He attends the funeral and forms a weird bond with the guy's adult son- Jan-Michael Vincent.

He finds that the guy is callous and, naturally, makes him his protege.

The work a hit and things don't go well.

I mean, they go well for the audience, as WE get to see a big fight, a motorcycle chase and an explosion.

Bronson's boss tells him that he broke the rules bringing in Vincent and sends him to Italy on a mission.

Before he leaves, Bronson sees that he is now a target!

They go on the mission anyways and try to kill a guy on a boat.

Things don't go well.  

To find out how badly, stream the Film now.  You've got 10 days.

A good Film- no question.  Just know that, again, this is a VERY '70s Film.

If you don't know what that means, you'll find out.
If you do know, you'll be sure whether or not to watch this.

Bronson does a really good job here, with a Script that doesn't need him to emote all that much.  That's good, since, you know, Bronson.  Joking aside, you get a sense of pathos, loss and possible redemption from the guy.

Vincent is also good here, especially when the Film asks him to do the kind of subtle emotions and expressions that Bronson can't.  I can see why someone remade this (not arguing that they should have, mind you).

You get some weird filler here meant to characterize Bronson- including a bit where he watches two guys fight- but it otherwise works well.

Let's have a compare-contrast, shall we?

A good Film that is definitely of its time.  That said, lots of the Film is timeless and great.

Remake This!: The Last House on the Left (2009)

 Letting Bob pick my next Review via RNG (or Random Number Generator) doesn't always work out.

This is 2009's Remake of The Last House on the Left.  I've never seen the Original.  I know the drill though- Violent Revenge Film, based on people seeing violent imagery every day via Vietnam War News and Wes Craven.

Speaking of Mr. Craven, he's a Producer here (alongside Friday the 13th Director/original Film Producer Sean S. Cunnigham) and wanted to see what could be done with more resources.  I mean...fair play- that's the argument made for many older Films (like those from the '50s) getting Remakes today.

Mind you, this is a dark, gritty tale of people killing each other in a rain-soaked house- how much does the Budget play into things?
Now if you're talking about A Nightmare on Elm Street- that could be improved with lots of CGI, right?

For what it is worth, Ebert hated this one less than the Original (kind of).

Is it good?  To find out, read on..

In the Cold Open, some Cops are arguing while transporting a guy in their car.

A truck hits them and the group free the man, killing the Cops in the process.

Some amount of time later, we meet our Heroes.

A young woman is driven to be an Olympic Swimmer, while her Mom tries not to set lofty goals and her Dad- Tony Goldwyn, who was a victim in Friday the 13th, Part 6) is there.

He's not a big help...yet.

She goes away from their Cabin- which is the titular location- to hang out with her friend.

Said friend trades the right to not card a teenager for him sharing their weed.

Go to his Hotel Room and hang out- what's the worst that could happen?

Oh, he's the Son of the guy from broken out in the beginning.  He arrives back with the rest of the gang, including 'Garfunkel' (of Garfunkel and Oates) and 'Jesse Pinkman' (this was filmed right around the time that Breaking Bad came out.

They think that the girls will blab and take them away to hide out in the Woods.

The Son doesn't want to take part, but does get dragged along for the ride.

The girls cause the car to crash- breaking Jesse's nose- and nearly get away.

Alas, they fail.

Her friend tries to stop the group from assaulting our Lead and gets killed over it.

The infamous Scene happens.
I will not say more about it, but you also can't talk about this Film without mentioning it.

Her second escape seems to go better, but she is shot and left for dead.

The criminals escape the rain by ending up at the titular location where the Parents don't know what they did.

Only the Son figures out where they are, but doesn't tell the group.

Lots of tense moments occur, especially after the Daughter- who survives in this version- is found.

The Parents figure out what happened- when the Son leaves the Daughter's bracelet in the kitchen- and make their own plans.

After a prolonged assault, they take down Jesse in the Kitchen.

Lots of fighting.  Someone gets shot.

Ultimately, the Son turns on the Father (what timing, eh?) and the Heroes get away.

In the aftermath, the paralyzed Dad is killed via microwave.
The End.

A Film that makes violence an accent to the main dish.  In this case, it is prolonged bits of dialog and waiting for one person to attack the other.

The Film has an interesting pacing, as it really builds up to the big you-know-what Scene and what follows it.

After that, more buildup to the finale, which has no breaks.

FYI, I did watch the Unrated Version, which is a whopping 4 minutes longer.  I don't know how I found the time.

From what I can tell, this is much more of a Character Piece than the Original, with the villains more nuanced and less cartoonishly evil.  It definitely isn't a 'happy' Film, but more good comes out of it than in the 1972 version.

I can't see myself rewatching this one anytime soon, but I don't hate that I saw it either.  I do have to ask, why wouldn't a DVD Player work with the Unrated Version?  Was that a real issue in 2009/10?

Next up, let's see if I can find some lighter fare.  I still have more Horror Remakes to go, but I'd like some variety.  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Severed Tied (1992)

 Another catch-up review, as I featured the German Box Art for this Film in 2019.

How is the actual Film though?

In this Fangoria-produced Film, a man is trying to replicate his dead Father's work.

He is trying to make a plasmid to allow limbs to be regrown.

It worked out for Curt Connors!

His Mom (Elke Sommers- above) is controlling him, while Hans (Oliver Reed) has his own motivations!

Can he make it work?

Yes, although it comes at the cost of his left arm- which is cut off by a laser.

He injects himself with the seemingly successful formula.

He ends up with some kind-of crazy Hobos- led by Garrett Morris- and continues his work.

You see, the formula worked.  His new arm is real...and reptilian...and alive on its own.

Okay, worked requires a few caveats, I suppose.

He keeps up his work, giving Morris a new leg.

Mom and Hans keep trying to find him and take his new lady- Eve.

Can he come back and get his revenge?
It is complicated.
To find out, stream it now.

A fun, chaotic Horror Film- at least to a point.  

The Plot is crazy, featuring random Black and White Flashbacks- right around the time that The Real World started doing Testimonials like that-, a bunch of odd Characters & many twists and turns.

Does it get too weird?
For many people, yes.
I'm still in it to win it for the crazy- like with Society or other Films.  It sure is alot to keep up with- no question.

I'm not sure that I ultimately love the way the Film wraps up- no SPOILERS though.
Crazy to think that this Director would go on to Direct Disney TV Shows and Movies (like Another Cinderella Story), Bring It On Again & Pure Country: Pure Heart.

I can see why the German distributor put a fake connection to The Thing in there.  The body horror- which is mostly done with puppet arms- is good.

Like with Children of the Night, you can see the Fangoria influence here.  I guess I need to see Mindwarp now, don't I?

A fun Film that is a bit all over the place Plot-wise.  For a creature feature, it is good, bloody fun though.

Riffed Films: The Demons of Ludlow (1983)

 In lieu of accidentally repeating content, let's cover a Film that I didn't even know about before Rifftrax.

Bill Rebane is a name that only the most dedicated of cinephiles will know right away.  That or those who watched too much MST3K.

Who am I kidding- they are the same people!

Made famous for The Giant Spider Invasion, he also did (most of) Monster Go-go, The Alpha Incident, The Capture of Bigfoot (which Lloyd Kauffman lists as one of the WORST Films he ever distributed), Blood Harvest, Twister's Revenge (a Film I've owned as part of a 50-Movie Set and never watched...yet) and... a Hallmark Christmas film?!?

This is The Demons of Ludlow, a low-budget Film he did in 1983.  As someone who loves John Carpenter Films, I sure was 'excited' to see someone ripping one off.

To see how silly (and droll) this gets, read on...

A Town called Ludlow is gifted a Piano...or is it a Harpsicord...or a Harmonium by its past residents, who now reside in Britain.

It was said to be owned by the Founders before being taken away a century ago.

What's the harm?

Well, it apparently summons Ghosts (or Demons?) from the Past to kill people.

Not the people that play it mind you (since it needs them), but someone else nearby.

The rules are...lazy.

For instance, the woman above plays it and the 'Demons' kill her Daughter instead.

Insert Low-Budget Horror Film Nudity here.

The two folks who run the Town Newspaper (a Town with 47 people in it, mind you) think that something is up.

What is causing the Demons to kill?

Well, the Harmonium was owned by the Founders, who were betrayed by others in the Town and killed.

Now they want revenge.

So...it is just The Fog, but with confusing Costumes, Bad Writing and Terrible Pacing.

Will the survivors (who are also descendants of the betrayers) live to stop the Demons?

Well, this looks and feels like a '70s Horror Film...so, no.

The End.

Ooh boy.  This one is bad.

It is mostly the boring kind of bad, unfortunately.

Even with Rifftrax, I watched this in 2 sittings.  Long, long shots of meandering and looking around are presented in High-Def (thanks to a 2020 HD copy in use now).

Yes, this Film got a Blu-Ray release!

Rifftrax, in my opinion, is probably the best way to watch this.  They make great jokes- like a Kirk Hammet reference of all things- and fill out the slow, padded Scenes of people walking around.

It is one thing to watch someone 'pointlessly meander,' but another to watch it while people joke about how 'I'm a fan of pointless meandering, but even THIS is too much for me.'

I'm sure that Mr. Rebane is a nice man.  I just wish that he made a nice Movie- especially in my birth year.

Take us away, familiar floating hand from many, MANY Movie Posters...

A bad Film with a silly- if unoriginal- Premise.  This is another one of those 'Why not Remake This- It Can't Be Worse' Films.

Shudder Day: Destroy All Neighbors (2024)

 Am I watching enough Shudder content to justify paying for it every Month?
Probably not, but I did check out this newer Film from them.

Jonah Ray Rodrigues is back again in another Horror Comedy called...

A man- Rodrigues- is working a Job as a Sound Engineer at a Record Company.

His dream, however, is to create a brand new, transcendent Prog Rock Album.

Too bad his Neighbors make things very difficult.

This is especially true of Vlad (Alex Winter in disguise) who plays loud EDM, grunts and just generally is never quiet.

All attempts to deal with this normally (well, normally for him) don't work.

This makes things bad for him outside of home as he's haunted by strange visions, memories of recent events and can't sleep.

When your homelife is so bad that you get fired, things need to change.

Well, as the Title might imply, he gets that change in his life.

Naturally, chaos (and laughs) ensue.

Can he work things out?
Can you come back for this much death around you?

Does anyone need me to explain what Prog Rock is?

To find out the answers to 2 of those questions, stream it now.

A fun Film that is very, VERY quirky.  I can't emphasize that enough.

Fans of straight Horror or even straight Horror Comedy may not love this one.  It has some good moments- no question.
Much of it, however, hinge on whether or not you 'get' the Film's humor.

The Film lives and dies by the odd exchanges of dialog between the Actors, combined with the odd visuals that only get stranger as the Film progresses.  There are moments- like the Scene with Kumail Nanjiani- that really work well.

If you're into straight Horror, just know what to expect.

As for me, I dug the weird vibe, quirky characters AND the fact that it features a handsome man named 'Alec' in it...

Good fun with splatter, humor and bizarre occurrences.  Just make sure that you're the audience for this one or you'll not enjoy it (kind of like Prog Rock in general, really).

King Me: Stephen King's The Stand (1994) *Part 4*

 A big finale is upon us!

To see what happened in Part 1, go here.
For Part 2, here.
For Part 3, here.

Now, let's get to Standing!

Right off the bat, Flagg makes Harold crash his bike.  Nadine lives him.

He offs himself the next day and that wraps up that Arc!

Flagg can identify two of the Spies, but not the third.
Tom 'M-O-O-N spells MOON' Cullen is apparently immune because...um...let's not go there.

So, he needs his men to capture the ones he knows and get the information.

His men accidentally kill The Judge (thanks for nothing, Ossie Davis) and he pops up to kill...Sam Raimi?!?

For all my complaints about Flagg's absence in the last 3 parts, he more than makes up for it here.

This is The Randal Flagg Show, co-starring everyone else.

He tries to interrogate the other Spy (Dayna- who helped restore power, but now just wears lingerie).
She tries to kill him, but he morphs and laughs it off.

She offs herself (a weird theme here) and he gets no information.

Things go better in the Desert where he finally meets Nadine in person (or, in creature, to be more accurate).  

He has his way with her, the woman realizing too late that he's a Monster.

Things go worse when he takes her back to Vegas, she freaks out and, you guessed it, offs herself- denying him his demon baby.

As random luck would have it, the mean lady from Part 2 (aka Shawnee Smith) is now in Vegas and spots Tom Cullen leaving.

He sends folks out to get him in the Desert, including...John Landis?!?

Our Heroes, meanwhile, are wandering through the Desert- like in the Bible, you see- and Sinise breaks his leg.

He asks them to leave him behind, which works out well in the end.

The other three are captured near the border and Ray Walston is killed.

The other two are tied in a cross-like manner- again, like the Bible, you see- and given a 'show trial' for a bombing done by Trashcan Man.

Speaking of him, he did find one of the Nukes and drives it into the City towed behind an ATV.
Google says that the missiles can weigh anywhere between 600 lbs. and 79,000 lbs., so...is that even possible?

Regardless, the Hand of God appears- since every King Mini-Series needs usually dodgy CGI in Act 3- and sets off the bomb, killing everyone.

I guess it is a happy ending for our Heroes...is it?

Sinise and Tom Cullen watch the City explode in the distance.

Time to go home.

They get back by Winter and are met by...Stephen King?!?

Oh right- he was in Part 3 as well.  Never mind.

He tells them that Sinise's baby was born, but there's a catch.

It was born with the flu (how?!?) but manages to survive with the Parents' antibodies.

The Musician's Wife is also going to have a child, so the new Generation will continue.  
The End.

This sure...had lots of things happen.  I did get what I was asking for.

Right off the bat, what was the point of the spies?  They never reported back.  Two of them didn't even come home.  Tom comes home, but only after the bomb goes off.

About the bomb, he hired the crazy guy to bring it to him...and he did.  What was the big plan again?

Randall Flagg is kind of awful as a Character- at least as far as his planning goes.  All of his men fail.  All of his plans fail.  He spends all 4 Parts trying to do them and...fails.

Yes, he does fail to a literal Deus Ex Machina.  Even so, was his plan going to work otherwise?  Doubtful.

The finale leaves so many people out- specifically the people back in Boulder.  It's almost like they spent 90% of the other parts in Boulder and then overcompensated here.

At least we get 3 Director Cameos.

I'd nitpick more, but I think that the Film has become self-aware.

Next time, a random pick from my pile of Horror Remakes from the '00s.  It is a tale of violence, but is the message still there?  Stay tuned...