Shudder Sunday: Slaxx (2020)

 A Film that will scare your pants off!

Just to be clear, I'm currently wearing pants.  It's not often that I need to announce it, but there you go.

A fancy Clothing Store called CCC is preparing for the release of a new product- super shaping jeans!

On top of that, the man in charge of the whole Company is visiting.  

No pressure.

Unfortunately, one of the pair of pants is actually alive- and deadly!

They begin to take out the Retail Associates one at a time!

Can our Final Girl- she has a name, but...come on- be the one to save the day?

Or will this lady who kind of looks like Kate Hudson in Almost Famous bite the dust?

To find out, stream it now.

A rare thing- a Horror Comedy that isn't a pain to watch.  It manages to be scary (or at least bloody) and still pretty funny.

It's a silly premise, but they go along with it.  They don't ruin the joke with a wink or nod, which is appreciated.  Characters sure can't believe what they are seeing- they just also don't make funny faces or anything.

Like most Modern Horror, they make nearly everyone terrible in this one.  They do at least make our ACTUAL Lead not suck.  It's close, but it works for me.

The Film is really fun and I'm all in for more killer clothes.  Suffocating sweaters?  Lethal laces?  Terrifying turtlenecks?  

I'm drinking this all up!

Slaxx is silluy, but plays it straight.  It's honestly a fun Film about assaulting apparel.

'80s Fun: The Last Starfighter (1984)

 At last- no pun intended.  Yes, just this one time.
The hand still isn't great, but I can work through it a bit.

The Last Starfighter is a Cult Classic that keeps getting 'the Remake talk.'  Will it happen?  Should it?
Ask someone else!

The Plot involves a young man getting the 'call to action' (thanks, Joseph Campbell) and going to space.  Is he cut out to be a Hero?  Well, he survived a Michael Meyers Film (Halloween II) and would go on to escape Jaws (Jaws: The Revenge), so his odds are pretty good.

No joke- the Film was Directed by Nick Castle.  Yes, Michael Meyers. 
The guy 'tries to kill him' in one Film and then hires him for another!  Only in Hollywood, right?!? 

 
Speaking of Halloween, the bad guy from *sigh* Halloween 3 plays the 'good' alien.  Yes, a bunch of people love it now.  It still sucks.

Does this Film suck though?  To find out, read on...

Our Hero lives in a California Trailer Park (which is like a Mississippi Mansion), has no clear future, can't commit to his love and has only one passion- playing Starfighter.

Thankfully, it wasn't Pharaoh!

He's called into Space by a 'man' named Centauri.

He's told that the game was a test to be a Starfighter.

He meets some Aliens...

He learns that there is an intergalactic war- a Star War, as it were- and the bad guys aren't playing nice!

Unsurprisingly, things are 'too real' for him and he turns this all down.

That's...fair.

Of course, you can't *really* say 'No' to this face, so he returns a bit later.

Also they attack his home, but...mostly this face.

Can he go it alone- well, with his buddy- and stop the bad guys as the titular Starfighter?

Of course, he can.  
That said, there's still unresolved Sequel Bait out there (the main Villain escapes, for one). 

The End.

A fun Film that could have been more, if it had some follow-up.

As a standalone Film, TLS is still quite good.  It's not 'just Star Wars' or whatever comparison you want to make.  It plays with the concept a bit and, you know, is based around Earth and not Tatooine!

These Films have to follow certain archetypes- it's just a thing.

For what it is, the Film is quite fun and enjoyable.  It only really suffers because it is a one-and-done- not for lack of trying on Castle's part.  The fact that this World/Universe exists with all of the set-up and only the one Film is a shame.

I saw this one in HD- via the 2009 Blu-Ray- and it really holds up  The CGI is obviously CGI, but still looks nice.  The practical effects- like the make-up- are top notch though.

Seriously, someone give us a Sequel already.  These two are just dying for more adventures!

Next up, I revisit a Forgotten Sequel.  Fittingly, auto correct tried to make it Forgotten Realms.  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Snake 2 (2019)

 I'm powering through the pain and slow typing for a good cause.

Yep, another Chinese Monster Film...

The Plot has a boat full of people attacked by, guess what, a giant snake.

Why it swims around and attacks it?  Nobody knows.

As to why they put Chinese Lara Croft on this (when she's not in the Film, everybody knows,

The narrative splits on the island when the boat is sunk.

Some are swallowed and dumped in a cave by the snake.
Some travel inland to find them.

The latter allow the Film to go full Skull Island here, as they are attacked by a slew of creatures to pad out the runtime.

Flying fish- sure.
Killer trees- sure.
Giant frog/lizard thing- yep.

Oh and the snake...eventually.

For a Film that is 80% just monster attacks, it kind of drags.

Is it...because it is 80% just monster attacks?

Who will survive?  To find out, stream the Film. 
Hey look- Miss Not in This Movie is back.

A Film that can't quite be what it wants to be.

Snake 2 wants to be a monster mash.
Snaked 2 wants to be an emotional drama.

It can't be both- at least not this time.  This can work if done right.  It is obviously not here.

The idea is that the survivors want to get to the others and must fight their way there.  That means cutting back to the cave to see how bad things are there.

The big issue is that there's not nearly enough content in the cave.  It is just 'A thing is hatching' and 'We're sad.'  The drama with the survivors is pretty muddled as well, having something about stolen money...or something.  I couldn't be bothered, clearly.

A little, but also big thing.  They set up obvious pay-off on the boat and when it happens, they *sigh* show you the Scene again.  Yes, I remember what happened an hour ago!!!!

Snake 2 is an odd mess, with fun monster attacks, tedious drama and weird mixing of the two throughout.  At least my future is set for next week....

An odd mix of a Film that wants to be emotional but can't be bothered.  The silly monster fights are fun though, for a time.

Lost in Translation: The Last Starfighter (1984)

 I cut the hell out of my hand, so slow on updates for a bit.  Typing is hard.  
Ow.

For now, here's these Foreign Posters for the next Review...

Nice.

Got another one, me?

Cool.

The Film should be fun.

Find out soon...

Forgotten Prequels: Hannibal Rising (2007)

Who demanded this?!? 
Oh right- Dino De Laurentiis.

That's not a lie or an exaggeration- it's the truth.  He didn't want to lose the License and knew that Anthony Hopkins was not up for more Films.  What was the other option then?  A Prequel.

He went to Thomas Harris and said 'Hey, I'm making another Film.  Can you write it?'  He didn't really have a Story in mind.  Dino said 'Well, I'll do it with or without you.'

That's how we got this Prequel, which was written as both a Screenplay and a Book at the same time.  I have the Book btw.  I hope it is worth the 99 cents!

The Film tells the tale of young Hannibal Lecter, which apparently is a thing now.  How did he turn out this way?  To find out, read on...

In 1944, young Hannibal and his family are trying to live happily by avoiding the tail end of the German invasion of Russian territory.

Of course, we need this Film to be available worldwide, so the Nazis (and their imagery) barely factor into the Film.

Unfortunately, the War finds its way to their Castle (our poor Hero's parents own a Castle BTW) and everyone dies, save for Hannibal and his Sister Mischa.

FYI Mischa is a Male Name in this area.  Did they mean Mascha?

A group of Looters take over the House- hiding out from the off-screen Nazis- and things look bad for them.

So, naturally, they jump ahead EIGHT YEARS to see Hannibal as a young man.

Wait- what?!?

Anyhow, he wounds a kid at a Boarding School...which is in their Castle!

He tracks down his Uncle and his Wife, finding only the latter.  She's Japanese, so she trains him in Bushido.
Also she's played by Gong Li.  Do I have to tell you that she's not *actually* Japanese.

This is how they give us this super-ironic shot of him wearing a mask.  Sigh.

He kills a local Butcher, but gets his Step-Aunt to make him an alibi...in the form of dumping the man's head in front of the Police Station. 

That's some family!

In spite of this, we learn that France is a VERY SMALL COUNTRY, since Hannibal ends up meeting THE SAME DETECTIVE at Medical School a year later- entirely by chance.

What luck?!?

Hannibal, it seems, has been repressing his memories of what happened to his Sister in the Intro, so he takes Sodium Pentathol (which he just happened to have seen the Detective use on a Witness) to unlock his memories.

Mischa is dead and everyone was starving, so you can probably guess what happened.

What fun subject matter to discuss, right?!?

His memories intact again, he tracks down the men from that fateful winter (who I guess just left after a while).  In doing so, he also manages to stop at a Border Crossing at a City that is nowhere near any Borders.  Oops.

He catches and kills one guy- the future Night King model (in case that face looks familiar)- to get the info he needs.

He also cuts off his head, since I guess he wants the Inspector to suspect him even more!

He makes a play for the other Cannibals, but he draws too much attention.

The men track down the 'Japanese' Aunt...somehow.

Naturally, she's held captive, since she's both A) the Mentor and B) a Woman.

Hannibal gets on the boat in Paris as it passes under a bridge...which is eerily similar to the ending of Taken about a year later.  Hmm...

Hannibal is confronted by the fact that he may have accidentally been a cannibal too, so he freaks out and kills the remaining bad guy.

Not Japanese Aunt rejects his love as she sees his horrific nature up close, so he fakes his death via boat explosion and leaves the Country.

Nothing of note happens in the remaining 28 years, I guess.  The End.

So, was it worth it?  Was it really?

The Film is...alright.  It's not great.  It's not truly terrible.

The things that would make a Film really terrible- like Bad Acting, Writing, Production Values and the like aren't really here.  There are certainly some questionable choices as far as Writing, but it isn't horrendous.

The Plot plays out oddly with the time jump, the later reveals and just the general flow of it.  Time is also quite vague here in many cases. 
How long is it between the first killing and him going to Paris, for instance?

For better or worse, the violence here is certainly escalated.  It will be good for some of the audience, but certainly alienate another portion.  The fact that so much of the Plot revolves around Cannibalism and Children is another issue, of course.

At its worst, the Film is bleak and grim for being bleak and grim's sake.  At its best, it is allowing a good- sadly now dead- French Actor to show his range.

Speaking of range, the final Ending has a long range, since it- Hannibal confronting the last Cannibal in a far-off Bar after presenting a coin as proof- seems to be an influence for 2010's X-Men: First Class.

Next up, a break from this kind of stuff.  How about some '80s Sci-Fi?  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Zoombies 2 (2019)

 No, i'm not doing one of the 32 Full Moon Films with Weed in the Title.
I have some dignity.

Instead, here's...sigh...

A Zoo is in Crisis!

Actually, this is not a Zoo- it's a Facility that holds Animals before they go to a Zoo.
A lie in the Title- a great start!

Some Poachers drug some animals, but then most are killed by- I kid you not- Zombie Meerkats.

Enter Hunky Hero Man.

The remaining Poachers are on the run...and now we're down to one.

At least the Rhino from the cover is actually in this!

Our Heroes figure out that the drug has turned the Animals into Zombies.
How?

Science, duh?

Can they fend off the- again, I'm not kidding!- zombie porcupines?
Did I just write that sentence?!?

With a (not)Zoo full of (terrible CGI) Zombie Animals between them and safety, can they succeed?

Also why does this Zombie Virus make the animals grow bigger?

To find out, stream the Film now.

A silly Film that plays things 100% straight.  Is that a good thing?

I'm not sure that I wanted another 'wink wink nudge nudge' Horror Comedy, but this one is SOOOO dry without any humor!  The most you get is one guy dropping the Title and shrugging.  Otherwise, it is just...meh.

How do you make a Film that has (consults checklist) killer Meerkats, Aardvarks, Rhinos, Alligators, Lions, Hippos and Snakes so boring?  It takes a special talent.

To be fair, the Acting is fine.  Nobody really stands out, which is par for the course for the milquetoast nature of the Film.  It's just...so weird that they made this self-serious, tedious and dull.

On the other hand, the CGI is pretty damn bad.  CGI Models are either really fake, really out-of-focus, overused (why not have them bang around a toy Meerkat, for instance?!?) or don't do simple things.  A nice-looking CGI Alligator shot is ruined...when it casts no shadow in the middle of the day.  So close...ish.

Again- killer Aardvarks!  This thing writes itself...which is probably what should have happened.

If memory serves, the Original wasn't great, but it was better than this.  Either make it comedic with a premise like this or, you know, actually make it good!

Shudder Sunday Double-Feature: The Lair (2022) and Boar (2017)

 No Shudder stuff last Sunday on account of Holiday, so let's make up for it with the Film I watched around then and a bonus Film.

Two newer Films, so less to discuss without SPOILERS.

Let's dive right in...

A British Pilot is shot down over Afghanistan and has to flee.

Unfortunately, the only sanctuary is an abandoned Russian Bunker.

The insurgents- does that term still apply?- follow her in.

Things look bleak, before, well, they look even more bleak for both sides!

While she manages to get out of there (the Film would only be 30 minutes long if she didn't), she will of course have to go back once the scope of the danger is discovered.

Can she and her fellow fighters save the day?

A fun Creature Feature, but also one with a bit of nuance to it.  While his output has been mixed, Director Neil Marshall has lots of experience with this kind of Film.  After all, he made it big with Soldiers vs. Werewolves.

So, him and the rest of the people involved managed to get more out of this than you might think.  Everyone has an Arc, motivation and pay-off.  Not all of them are great, but they are all there.

The big appeal here is the Creatures, which I made sure not to SPOIL for you.  They are what you'd expect from Marshall, using freaky Practical Effects as much as possible.  They aren't the most unique things in the world, but I liked them quite a bit.

The Lair sounds pretty generic- especially with that Title!- but it still delivers lots of what you'd hope for, while adding a little bit of depth and pathos.

************

In Australia, a large Boar is on the loose and he's hungry.

You probably guessed that from the Title, right?

Can a family visiting for vacation be the ones to stop it?

How about the many Australian Character Actors?
Maybe the guy from Wolf Creek?

Nope- it's clearly Nathan Jones' job.  He's undefeated at WrestleMania, you know.

To find out, stream the Film.

Another fun creature feature, even if the Pacing is all sorts of weird.  For instance, our Leads appear pretty early in the Film (the first fifteen minutes).  After their one Scene, they vanish for *checks watch* 40 minutes?!?

That said, I enjoyed the Practical Effects quite a bit.  Early on, they tease it like Jaws (or Razorback).  As time goes on, they show more of it and it looks like a big, bloody Boar.  Good job.

This is even less about Plot than The Lair and much more about setting up people to be killed by the Boar.  Sometimes not even that, as we randomly meet Australian Kevin James and his girlfriend...just in time for them to be killed.  Good enough.

If you're not expecting more than Boar kills people, this is a winner!  If you want more, well, it's a Film about a Boar that is named Boar.  What did you expect?

Tubi Thursday: Mazes & Monsters (1982)

 After seeing a D&D Film that didn't suck, it's worth going back to seeing a hit piece on the game made before I was born.

Is it as bad as I thought?

The Film begins In Media Res with people searching for a missing Student in a Cave.

The Reporter blatantly editorializes about M&M (do I need to explain?) being 'a psycho drama' and an 'outlet for sad kids.'  Classy.

The Film's story ACTUALLY begins with us meeting 4 Students arriving for College, getting a taste of their melodrama.

Of course, the main draw is Robbie...

He is transferring in because he was 'too into M&M' at the expense of his Schoolwork.

Our Heroes, of course, don't know this and entice him to join their game.

He does it for the girl, but this guy has *all* of the hats.

The MC (Maze Commander) is depressed and wants to kill himself.

When he finds a cave, he does the less bleak thing- kill his Character off.

He takes the game to a new level- playing in a Cave.

What could go wrong?

Robbie- who was already messed up from past experiences, including his brother running away from home- freaks out and starts to think of himself as his Character.

This makes him act weird- mostly offscreen- and do things like give his money away and break up with his girlfriend/fellow player (to be chaste).

He is obsessed with finding 'The Great Hall' and runs off.

* Kudos to the Guy who put this Poster together, to be fair. *

That leads to the Cold Open...only he's not in the Cave.  Yep, that was a complete waste AND we saw the Scene twice!

He runs off to NYC- subconsciously, he's looking for his brother.

While there, he defeats a Monster...which means actually stabbing this Mugger (whom he sees as a Monster).

Hi, Kevin Peter Hall.

They really drag things out here- gotta hit 2 hours with commercials for that TV Movie spot- but the group finally finds him atop one of 'The Two Towers.'  This is 1982, so you know where that is.

The irony, of course, is that some people called on the Lord of the Rings Producers to retitle the 2nd Film since it was 'referencing the building.'  
It was not and they didn't.

They tease a Happy Ending where they meet up with Robbie...but he's had a full break and thinks that he's his D&D...I mean M&M Character.

One last bit of melodrama.  Sigh.  The End.

This is not great.  Even for propaganda, it's not that great.

The Film is very heavy-handed at the beginning with that Reporter, but then tries to tell a semi-nuanced tale of Robbie's mindset leading to his break from reality.  Mind you, it's a TV Movie and Hanks isn't that great of an Actor yet, so it doesn't work too well.

The big issue is all of the filler.  So much time is spent of nothing much important and Scenes just get dragged out.  On top of that, the accidental hilarity of them running around in the Cave in their hand-made outfits is pretty minimal.

If you're going into this for ironic viewing, you won't get as much out of it as you'd expect.  It's really just lots of melodrama, punctuated by a VERY over-the-top Soundtrack with try-hard Songs trying to dictate the emotions of the Scene.

This, by the way, is built on obviously false reporting of a real incident in 1979, which was covered properly in a 1984 Book called The Dungeon Master.  It was just an excuse to blame D&D for a sad event and nothing more.

Speaking of Dungeons, check out this REAL bit of box art that was made for the Film when it was dumped onto DVD to exploit the release of The Da Vinci Code.

* Zero props to this Graphic Designer *

FYI the version on Tubi atm is NOT the HD Remaster.  It's still a bad Movie, but it would be nice to see it in HD, at least.