Tubi Thursday: The Carpenter (1988)

 A late entry due to a busy week.  Time to see if this cuts or, um...saws?  I'm not good with carpentry puns...

A woman suffers a nervous breakdown.  Her Husband, in turn, buys a fancy new House in a mostly-empty Town that is about 80% completed.

It all seems to be going fine until she notices a Handyman working late at night (Wings Hauser) with no explanation.  Hmm...

The House conveniently gives Hauser targets, be it a Worker who tries to rape the Wife or some fired Workers who try to steal from the house.

Ouch.

As our Heroine continues to lose her grip on sanity, her Husband has a secret: he's having an affair.

This won't end well.

Hauser continues to attempt to get close to our Heroine.

As it turns out, he was a Carpenter who went crazy, killed people, got executed and then came back to his House to 'finish it.'

Will she fall to temptation?  

Will her Sister help her out?
Will her awful Husband get killed?

To find out, stream the Film on Tubi.

It's...not bad.  It's not great.  The Carpenter is a different kind of Horror Film than the 'Guy in Outfit X kills Teenagers' that grew quite popular around this time.  It's attempts to be more psychological and more methodically-paced.  I'll give them points for not going too far into that cliché direction for most of this.  That said, I certainly have issues.  The slow Pacing is going to be an issue for many.  The Husband is clearly not a good guy from the get-go.  The sudden introduction of bad guys to be killed by Hauser is often quite sudden.  One guy goes from 'I'm gonna work on this house' to abruptly fawning over the Wife.  Minutes later, he's pushing his way into the House and trying to push himself onto her.  Likewise, the guys who get fired come back in like 10 minutes of screen time.  Speaking of screen time, did we need to have a random, abandoned Sub-Plot of her working at a Paint Store?  Not really.  Did we need a cartoonish Sheriff to explain Hauser's back-story?  Did we need him to show up for this one Scene and never again?  The Carpenter, as I said, is a bit different.  If you're looking for something that's not quite what you might expect from that crazy Poster of Hauser cutting through a door, give it a look.  The good is in strong contention with the bad though, so it's not perfect.  Is it better than this one though?

A decent, slow-burn of a Horror Film.  Hauser shines, even his Character can't do much with the Plot's limitations.

'80s Class?: The Pirate Movie (1982)

 One last piece of fun and friendly before it's all Horror for October.  This time, let's look at something I never cover if I have the choice- a Musical.  It's The Pirate Movie, a 1982 Film that is a bit of Cult Classic.  I mean, it's almost 40 years old and didn't do well in Theaters- what else does it need?  It came to us from a Land Down Under where something something Men at Work.  Australian jokes are too easy, no?  I could make some Gilbert and Sullivan jokes, I suppose.  I'm still kicking myself for not making one back in the Wrestlewar Series on Let's Go to the Ring when a Match featured a Gilbert (Eddie) and a Sullivan (Kevin).  What a fool I was!  Also enjoy that cheap plug.  The Film was based *somewhat* on the famous Story/Musical and had to rush things when a proper Film adaptation was announced.  Weird little fact for you: that Film (from 1983) caused a stir when it was released Theatrically and on a (prototype) Streaming Service known as SelecTV and ONTV.  No joke.  So what is The Pirate Movie?  It's a Musical Comedy.  It's both an adaptation of the Story, a twist on it and a bit of a Parody.  Is it too much at once?  Kind of.  The Film is very '80s, as seen by the Casting of Kristy McNichol and Christopher Atkins.  One quit Acting in 2001, while the other appeared in The Little Unicorn the same year.  Who made the right call?  All jokes aside, this is going to get weird, so get ready to become a swashbuckler...

In Australia, a shy young lady (McNichol) tries to impress a young man (Atkins).

It doesn't go well, although he does seem to fall for her charms in spite of, well, everything.

A trip with him ends up being just a trip with HER FRIENDS going with him, as they leave her behind.

Given how they (jokingly) hold him down, is this kidnapping?
Also what do they plan to do with him all day?

She tries to follow them in a boat, but falls into the water.

When she wakes up, she's living 100 years ago with all of her Sisters.

So, obvious question, if this all just her dream, why does she give a full backstory to Atkins and the Pirate King?

The short version: he doesn't want to be a Pirate, since they 'killed his Parents.'  Dark backstory for Gilbert and Sullivan, no?

Said Pirates show up to, well, pillage and rape the nearby land and people (in that order).

Luckily, the Dad shows up, does some patter singing and convinces them to leave since 'they're all Orphans.'

You think that SHE might save the day in her own dream...

She and Atkins, of course, fall in love and go about finding the family's lost treasure.  Just like in Yellowbeard, it involves a map on someone's body.

Thankfully, the Pirate King goes all Total Package to reveal the Map while trying to, ahem, seduce McNichol.

Mind you, he's LITERALLY twice her age (she's 20 and he's 45), so it's thankfully just a trick.

We get a big showdown between Atkins and the King which culminates in a playful bit of copyright infringement.

Of course, kids in the '80s love legal loopholes and contract law, so that's the real end.

After the duo (of course) break up before the end, we get a big battle of the Pirates vs some Cops and the Staff at the House.

Said Cops make the Keystone Cops look like Denzel Washington from Training Day!

Our Heroine finally admits to herself that this is all just her dream and, well, gives everyone a happy ending.

In real life, she also gets one, since subtlety is long dead here.  The End.

A silly, but enjoyable time.  The Film is by no means perfect.  It is goofy.  It is ridiculous.  It is bizarre.  That said, I did kind of enjoy it.  It's just on the right side of 'so bad it is good.'  There's just enough META jokes and references to make it acceptable.  They make it all a crazy bit of heightened reality.  If you can get into the silliness, you can enjoy it.  Given it's 8% Rotten Tomatoes Score, I might be in the minority.  It's not great, but I can laugh at the silliness for 90 minutes.  It also beat Disney to 'it's first Gay Character' by, well, alot.

Next up, October begins properly with some Horror.  It's going to be a long, crazy month if the first Film is any indication.  Stay tuned...

Anime Parodisio: Assemble Insert (1989)

 Before I have to go full Horror in October, I might as well get the silly out of the way.

Back in 1989, the man behind Patlabor decided to Parody his own work and those of his peers.
That gave us the 1985 Manga and the subsequent Anime I'm looking at today...

We get a fake-out Intro and then see it was actually a tape watched by our Heroes.

Touché.

The group we see is a Branch of the Police Department who's future/funding relies upon success.

The problem- the pitch is a crazy one that was made by its Chief while he was drunk.

They decide to have an open Audition for anyone in the City to be gifted a Mecha-Poser Suit.

Just like WCW, they say that there was a big Tournament...but they only got 26 people to show up.

Oh, hold on...

Random Live Action Scene combined with Parody Commercial.

The winner is a young girl- she's 13 in the Japanese Script, but 18 in the US Version- and she's given the suit.

Thankfully, the villain- Dr. Demon and his Demon Seed- scheduled the robbery.

She finds her inner confidence and, well, kicks some Mecha ass!  Mechass?

In Part 2, three months have gone by and Demon has not reappeared.

As such, the Department is facing de-funding yet again.
Repetition repetition.

Time to go with Plan B- make our Heroine into a Pop Star/Idol.

With no use for his inventions and annoyed at the new use of his tech, the Inventor gives his previous Mecha Suits (based on the ones in Patlabor) to the bad guys.

He's not evil- he just wants the good guys to have some good to do.

Merry ChrisMechs.

The drama in the 3rd Act revolves around the rain keeping up (since the bad guy will reschedule his attack in case of rain) as our Heroine is at a big Awards Ceremony.

She makes the right choice- choosing to stop the bad guy (off-screen).

A fun and silly time.  Let's put this into full context, shall we?  

The Film/OVA was a Parody of 1980s Anime.  If you recall, my only experience with Patlabor was a random Patlabor Film I watched.  

That one was from after 2000, so it has no bearing on this one.  I still haven't seen any more Patlabor stuff yet, by the way.  

The idea here is that they wanted to have some fun with the silly conventions of the day.  I don't have any context for pretty much any of that.  

Instead, here I am as a casual/sometimes Anime Reviewer over 30 years later watching this for the first time. 
Hell, even the DVD I have is 20 years old!  

So how is Assemble Insert on its own?  Much like Airplane, it works pretty well on its own.  You don't have to know the conventions of '70s Disaster Films (specifically the Airport Films) to laugh at things.  If you do know that, you get more out of it.  This one is still pretty funny on its own.  The look and feel of it is dated- no question.  The Plot is silly.  The Parody bits- like asking if it was okay to include a 'Live Action Sequence' - are funny.  

If you're into Retro Anime, give it a watch.  If you might actually get the more subtle and direct Parody bits, check it out. 
If I lost you the first time I said 'Anime,' this won't change your mind.  

On the plus side, it's a rare case of a Film that was released on VHS trying to sell you the same Film on VHS...

Next time, I get one last non-Horror Film in before my legally required to cover nothing else.  It's singing and dancing...and Pirates.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: The Puppet Masters

 After some consideration, my original pick for this one doesn't quite pan out.
Plan B.

In The Puppet Masters, alien parasites control people.  Simple stuff.

Our Hero is controlled and uses his connections to get close to the guy in charge of Security for The President's arrival.

And yes, it is the guy from Dirty Harry.

Naturally, our Hero (and his previous victim) get two new helpers for their mission.

Ouch face.

Said men then set up The President for an alien parasite of his own!

...but the good guys show up to kill them.

I guess they didn't feel like trying to, you know, capture them and free them from the parasite.

So they're dead.

The original pick was the first victim (used for this set-up).  The problem- he doesn't appear in this bit.  At all.

Seriously, he's not shown being killed or saved.  
Maybe he's behind the door that (initially) traps the President, but we get no closure on-screen.

Oh well, I'll settle for these Poor Bastards instead.

The moral: just assume that anyone could be an alien's host.  Look what happens when you don't!

Next time, some people try to help a woman in need.  They're also quite keen with running up to fight a Cop, which is odd.  See you then...

Confusing and Alternately-Titled Cover Art: Alien Zone (aka The House of the Dead)

 Aliens are always great.
Everyone loves Zones.

Combine the two, dammit!

Alright, so here's the thing...

Alien Zone is just The House of the Dead.
There are no Aliens in it.

For some reason, it was briefly given this alternate Title.

I'm too lazy to look up why, but let's do some basic Math.

House came out in 1978.
Alien came out in 1979.

So let's just say that's the reason, shall we?

Tubi Thursday: The House of the Dead (1978)

 After a strange week, it is good to return to some normalcy.  The free-streaming Program brings me yet another '70s Anthology Film, this time from outside the usual Companies.

It's time for the original...

A man leaves the woman he's cheating on his wife with, but gets lost in the City on a rainy night.

A Coroner (thankfully not Grampa Joe this time!) welcomes him in...and proceeds to tell him some tales about his recent 'clients.'

In the first tale, a Teacher is mean to Children.

To be fair, they are Children.

That night, what looks like kids in Halloween Masks show up...but they're actually monsters.

There's something at least- the Film never explains it.

In the second Story, a guy sets up a Camera in his Living Room and kills people.

That's it.  Moving on...

In the 3rd Tale, two Detectives- one from the Police and one visiting from Scotland Yard) work together to solve a planned/announced murder.

You can see the twist coming from literally that summary, but it's still pretty entertaining.

In the final Story, a rich douchebag ends up in a Building, gets abused and ends up looking like a Homeless Drunk.

It's basically A Christmas Carol (by way of Jigsaw).

Naturally, it all ends with a final bit involving our Hero.

I bet you all guessed that he was dead the whole time (which is a common twist in these).

Nope.

He was about to die.  So different.  The End.

An alright Anthology Film.  Like many of these, it is all over the place in both tone and quality.  Starting at the beginning, we get a solid, if short tale.  The Actress playing the Teacher is playing it *a bit* broad, but is still fun.  The 'kids' are a curious and somewhat unique menace.  I still don't know what they are.  Any guesses?

*  

The second tale is just a bad, shortened version of Peeping Tom.  The way they intercut the murders and him being pushed through a line of Reporters post-arrest is odd and amounts to nothing.  I was hoping for something- anything- to spice that one up.  Here's a way too late suggestion: cut to him waiting to be interrogated.  We see two Cops enter past the Security Camera (which is filming all of this).  They remove their hats to reveal that they are women and they proceed to choke him to death in the room.

*

The third tale is fine on its own, but doesn't quite fit the Horror Anthology feel here.  That said, it is the best of all four.

*

The finale tale is an odd one that leaves alot of questions unanswered.  Who did it?  How?  Why does he not just go home, rest and move on with his life?  Why was nearly skewering him a key part to making him look/act like a drunk Hobo?

*

The wrap-up was unsurprising in pretty much every way, but was otherwise fine.  Not much else to say here as this faces stiff competition both before and after.

That said, I want to see the return of the 'killer wears a Little Orphan Annie' Mask.

The House of the Dead is a pretty nonchalant Film that doesn't really stick to any theme.  It's also pretty light on the obvious things you'd expect, save for the twists.

New Streaming: Marvel's What If...Doctor Strange Lost His Heart (Instead of his Hands) {Episode 4}

 As the weeks go by, let's look back at the 4th Episode to see just how big a single death can be...

In this look at an alternate path for suddenly-very-important character Doctor Strange (in Comics and the MCU), he has an accident and faces loss.

Unfortunately, it is not the use of his hands he loses- its his love!

The next part of his journey (aka the rest of Doctor Strange) happens as normal.

A lingering doubt in his ability pushes him to keep wondering 'Can I save her?'

He's told quite explicitly not to and faces a big hurdle- the Ancient One.

Of course, he's the Sorcerer Supreme, so there must be a loophole...

Will he go too far in his attempt to save her?

Will he see the light before it is too late?

Will we get a bonkers climax?

To find out, stream the Episode now.

A strong showcase for the danger of obsession and power.  Poor Doctor Strange is a good person here.  Unfortunately, he becomes obsessed with changing the one thing he can't control.  There are Critics out there who talk about this being 'Fridging.'  I can see that...but I don't agree.  The idea here is less that she's dying to give agency to the male character.  Instead, her death is such a big deal that it fundamentally will alter the Universe (thanks to his actions).  That's not an insult towards her.  She's also pretty fleshed out in her limited role here, so she's not just a pretty face to make him feel sad about later.  Regardless, I do hope to see more of the Actress and the Character in the MCU.  We are getting another Doctor Strange, so let's see what we get.  Fingers crossed.  The worst thing I can say Episode the parts with her death(s) is that it reminded me of that bit from the 2001 Time Machine Movie- not a high bar to compare to.  The actual Episode gets pretty crazy as we get magic, monsters and a combination of the two.  The fact that this is Animated frees it up to just go for the crazy!  Tonally, it is dark as hell.  So far, the Series is pretty dark, so I'm curious to see how they can balance that out more in future Episodes.  Don't go DC grim-dark on us, guys.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go.  I feel like I have something on my face...

Next time, a bit of Marvel Comics lore that couldn't make it to the MCU proper gets a shot.  Will it bite?  See you then...

Coincidental Cover Art?: Stone Cold vs. Shocking Dark

 A random Image Search brought this one to my attention.  I'm sure that someone else must have noticed this before, but it was new to me.

In 1991, we got the 'classic' Film Stone Cold with Brain Bosworth.
Here's how the German Poster looks...

There's alot of weird going on, no?

As a bit of extra proof, I went ahead and put in a *different* country's version of the same one.

There are a few tweaks, but it's otherwise the same.

So, with that in mind, let's look at the case of Shocking Dark.

In a nutshell, the Film's Plot is a mish-mash of Aliens and The Terminator, long before Comics tried doing this kind of stuff legally.

It's also famous for beating Terminator 2 to the Title, possibly a reason why the Film is more known as T-2.  I won't spend an hour Googling all of the legalities of that, of course.

So, with all of that said, here's the pair of Posters (one as Shocking Dark and one as Terminator 2)…

That's kind of similar, no?

To be fair to both, I tried to find a similar Poster for the original Terminator, but found nothing.

So can we add ANOTHER Film to the list of Films that 'Inspired' Shocking Dark?

Or, in a shocking twist, did we just find someone that ripped off that Film?!?