Remake This?: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Could you tell that I was putting this off?  Well, I was.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the 2003 Remake of the 1974 Classic from Tobe Hooper.  They gave him a token Co-Producer Credit, so that's something.

The new Writer- Scott Kosar- got a weird trend going in his Career.  After this did well, he ended up writing more Remakes in a short amount of time- The Amityville Horror and The Crazies.  He also wrote for Bates Motel, which is not a Remake of that infamous Pilot though.

The new Director- Marcus Nispel- would also go on to Direct a couple of Remakes- Conan and Friday the 13th.

It had been 30 years and the original didn't exactly cost millions of dollars then.
So, can you pour enough money into this to make it better?

If Twitter is any indication, I'm going with 'no.'

To find out, read on...

The Film begins with fake-old footage from the '70s and the return of John Larroquette as the Narrator.

It also introduces a new Element- Found Footage.

We get a tease of 2 Cops investigating the House long after the events of the Film before the Title appears.

Does reminding me of The Poughkeepsie Tapes get this Film off to a good start?  No.

Anyhow, we meet a bunch of young, good-looking people driving through Texas from Mexico.

What they picked up there is a Plot Point.

They almost hit a Hitchhiker and pick her up.

She acts all strange and they tell her that they'll take her home.

She freaks out, draws a gun and shoots herself in the head.

Enjoy the middle part of this one neat, if gratuitous tracking shot out of the Van.
It's the best part of the Film.

They try to call the Police, but the locals aren't much help.

The group is split about what to do.  Some want to just leave the body and go, while the others want to stay.

The fact that they had some pot with them is an issue as well.

This wouldn't be an issue in The Colorado Chainsaw Massacre, of course.

This part of the Film, by the way, feels very drawn out.

Our Final Girl- Jessica Biel- and her boyfriend go to this weird guy's House to call the Sheriff.

Meanwhile, he just kind of shows up at the Van and acts like a dick to the others.
To be fair, was R. Lee Ermey ever cast to play, I don't know, a Friendly Guidance Counselor?

Since, I guess, he's bored, the Boyfriend wanders around the House.

He's somehow snuck up on by a 400-lb man in a creaky house with a hammer and dies.

We later get extra pathos when Leatherface finds a ring he was carrying.

That's nice and cruel- thanks, Movie.

Did you want an Origin for Leatherface?

Well, you get one!

He had some sort of disease and his nose eventually rotted off.  That's why it's okay that he murders people and skins them?

Skipping ahead, the Cast is whittled down to just Biel and the nerdy guy Morgan.

The Sheriff beats him up- because cruelty- and she ends up with the family.

There's oddly NO Dinner Scene in this one- this is the closest you get.

In a prolonged bit, she rescues Morgan, they hide and then Leatherface kills him.

She cuts off the baddy's arm and runs over the Sheriff, escaping Town with the baby that the Family stole from the Hitchhiker.

The End.

Oh wait- not really.

We need to wrap up the Intro too.

The Cops go down to the Basement and get killed by Leatherface, even giving us the Cannibal Holocaust shot (below).

Somehow, the Family escaped...to never return, since there's no Sequel to this one somehow.

The *real* end.

A Film that does many things right, but so many things wrong.

I'm going to feel like I'm repeating myself after covering The Hills Have Eyes Remake.  Both Films are interesting because they are Horror set in the daytime and in real places.  That is in contrast to, for instance, the dark Cabin in the Woods or the creaky old Castle.

This one has ONE Scene like that- the Chase out of the House.

The rest of the Film's big scares happen in the dark Basement, at night OR at night in the rain.

Face meet palm.

Putting that aside, it has good looking people in danger and Ermey is great here, even if his role is barely even two-dimensional.  Hate the game, not the player.

The Film is also very front-loaded, with it taking a good 45 minutes to get to 'the good stuff.'  I'm curious how Audiences reacted to this, as I was not part of them in 2003.

On top of all that, the Film is a weird mix of looking too sleek (as it was shot with 2003 tricks) and too grimey.  Jessica Biel is hot- I'll grant you- but you could always just read FHM at this time to get your fix.

Take us away, accidental bit of Comedy in the Cold Open.

Next up, the 2006 Prequel.  I really went back and forth about whether or not to do it first.  Oh joy.

Tubi Thursday: Beyond the Living Dead aka The Hanging Woman (1973)

 Have you ever watched a Film just to make it go away?

Every time I would go onto Tubi, this would pop up and start its random preview clip.

Well, now I've seen it and it's...

A rich guy dies and a big ceremony happens.

Why does one woman lurk in the shadows afterwards?

A woman goes down to the Crypt to take something from the man's body.

A strange person/creature stalks her, however, and she shoots at it unsuccessfully.

That night, a man- Serge Chekov- shows up in Town.

He wanders around for a bit when he hears a noise and then sees the woman from earlier hanging from a tree (hence the alternate Title).

He would turn out to be the new Heir to the dead man's Estate.

He's caught up in the middle of a bunch of family intrigue.

The guy's business partner has a Laboratory in the House and his Daughter is a Maid.
The Daughter is sneaky and into black magic.

The Butler is creepy and violent.

Notably the Film features Paul Naschy as a Gravedigger named Igor.

He was apparently filming another Movie nearby at the time.

He is vague about some evil and threatening, before the Police kill him.

As it turns out, the evil lady and the Scientist were bringing corpses back to life (hence the more regular title).

A big, prolonged scuffle between the Police, Chekov and the Zombies occurs.

The Scientist dies and his body is taken away by his Daughter, but we get the usual 'They don't really win' Ending because '70s.

A pretty good Film, even if the Plot is kind of a weird mess.

So, there's a Scientist and also a wannabe-Witch in the same House.  There's also a murderous Grave Digger.  Could you pick a Plot?

Other than that, it is pretty good.
The Acting is fine.  Mind you, it is all dubbed, so I can only judge so much.

It is mostly a tale of interpersonal Drama with the whole 'killer on the loose' thing and the 'Reviving the dead' Plot kind of lingering in the background.

Our Lead is kind of a jerk.  The Cops aren't much better.

In the End, the Film has a few good moments throughout it, looks nice and lingers more than you'd expect something like this to.

Also who is Bracula?

A decent enough Film, but the dubbing makes it pretty so-so.  The Plot is a bizarre mishmash to boot.

Shudder Day: Arcadian (2024)

Nic Cage and Shudder are a match made in Heaven.  

Let's see what his most recent Film is like...

It's the end of the World as we know it!

Naturally, Nic Cage survived.

15ish years later, he's raising his two Sons as they live out in a Farm.

They live a humble life and are sure to be locked into the House by sundown.

They try to make the most of the situation, living comfortably as a family.

However, the one Brother is constantly leaving to go to 'The Rose Farm.'

Considering that someone or something is trying to claw their way into the house every night, should you be distracted that much.

Is it safe for you or anyone else?

Of course, he's a young man, so he's got one thing on his mind.

And no, it's not roses.

Who will live?
Who will die?

Will the reveal of the Monsters be worth all of the build-up?

To find out, stream it now.

A Film that is interesting contrast of many things at once.

The Film looks peaceful, with its lovely farmlands and hills in Ireland.
The Film gets very chaotic when the Monsters make their (erratic) moves!

The Film is all about Family and staying together.
The Family is torn about by one's desire to hang out with a girl somewhere else.

The Monsters- no SPOILERS- are freaky things.
The Monsters don't really get explained and you *really* want to know how they got like this.

The Film is sold on Nic Cage vs. Monsters.
Nic Cage is a key part of the Film, but the Plot gives the main focus to the young Leads.

Arcadian is a fun and interesting low-budget Horror Film.  There are certainly lots more 'Family surviving against weird monsters' after A Quiet Place (not that the Film introduced the concept).

This is a good one of those, even giving us a Relax at the Waterfall Scene to boot!

A Film with a tight focus, a small Cast and some crazy Monsters.  They are definitely worth the build-up, so give this one a chance.

Tubi Thursday: Horror Hospital (1973)

 Let's escape the horrors of the Present by seeing some Horrors of the Past.

Oh look- they're all in one Hospital!

A wannabe Rock Star and a Lady looking to visit her Aunt both end up at a 'Health Hospital.'

They meet on the train and pretty much fall for each other immediately.

This is the last Film of Actress Phoebe (billed as Vanessa) Shaw, so she does nudity.  Thanks for asking.

They see some things that they don't like.

Of course, now the place is locked down by the Head Doctor (Michael Gough) and patrolled by a bunch of faceless bikers.

They really were all the rage in the '60s!

The Doctor has been experimenting on people for a while.

Oddly, we don't get his big monologue until *way* late in the Film.  It even comes with flashbacks, which makes it feel even later in the Film than it is.

He has the two in his power, so why not tell them your whole plan?

The guy- Jason- does make an escape, leading to a chase and a prolonged fight just there to introduce the bubbly marsh into the Plot for later.

Speaking of later, the Aunt decides to say 'See you later' to Gough after another young man (Abraham) shows up and she's convinced that things aren't going well.

They did just kill the guy who got people to show up too.

Well, her exit is less than amicable when a strange guy who appears to be covered in goop chokes her to death!

Can Jason, Abraham and the Dwarf (coming this Fall to ABC) make an escape?

Nah, it won't be that easy.

Instead, there's a big old climax and, shock of all shocks, they burn the place down!  How unique!

To see how strange this gets, stream it now.

A fun flick, even if it is pretty damn silly.  To be fair, that is part of its charm- intentional or otherwise.

I'm honestly not clear if this was *meant* to be an absurdist Comedy inside of a Horror Film at most points.

There is one bit where they prolong an action like how Family Guy used to do which makes me think that it is a Comedy. Other parts include torture and bloody deaths, so dunno.

The Plot is a weird mix of ideas, cliches and new things tossed into one freaky salad of a Film.  
For example, there's a late reveal with Gough that is right out of House of Wax.  

Other bits like controlling humans with machine parts is a unique (for the time) riff on old Zombie Films.

The Film is far from perfect, of course.  It introduces Abraham very late into the Film and his whole Arc (gotta rescue my girl) ends abruptly with no great resolution.

Horror Hospital has a few things going for it, like a few gimmicks, a fun Cast, a good location and a bizarre Plot.  It has encapsulated how so many of us feel after Tuesday night...

For a fun bit of '70s silliness, check it out.  The fashions alone date this- not even getting into the technological aspects.

Is It Bad?: The Wolverine (2013)

 2009's X-Men Origins- Wolverine was received in such a bad way that future Origins Films got cancelled.

2017's Logan got critical praise and was a massive hit.

So, what about 2013's The Wolverine? 

Pro: This Intro- with Logan surviving the blast at Nagasaki- is a creative one.

With a character like Logan who is nigh immortal and ageless, why not?

Con: Making a Plot Point about the US dropping a nuclear bomb on a real place that killed lots of people is kind of tasteless.

It's a fine line.

Pro: Logan lives in the Woods now, having left the X-Men in the wake of X-Men: The Last Stand.

Con: No other X-Men *really* appear in this one.  Darn.

Pro: Jean Grey is back from the 3rd X-Men Film, appearing to Logan in his dreams.

Con: It is kind of a cheat, no? 
Plus, it requires you to remember *that* X-Men Film.

Pro: He's recruited for a new Plot involving a trap to Japan to meet the guy he saved.

He's dying and wants to offer Logan 'a warrior's death.'  He's pretty mopey, so he considers it.

Con: The bickering Family is a bit cliche.

Pro: Hiroyuki Sanada is the corrupt Dad.  He's great.

Pro: The death of the old man leads to a massive Funeral.    

It is attacked by the Yakuza, leading a fun fight.

It culminates in a fight on top of a Bullet Train.  Great stuff.

Pro: Rila Fukushima is great as Yukio.  She can see people's deaths and warns Wolverine that she can see his.

His powers are failing- due to Plot reasons- and now the stakes are raised.

Pro: It all builds to a series of great battles, from Ninjas to the big boss.

Ninjas are always a Pro.

Con: The final battle with Silver Samurai is...something.

It looks great, but it raises so many questions.  I won't talk about it too much in-depth, but...yeah.

What Is Good?

The Film feels like a unique adventure, taking the Character out of his usual location and Supporting Cast.  It is risky to take that all away for an X-Men adjacent Film.

The new Cast is great, from Fukushima to Sanada to Tao Okamoto as 'Mariko.'  The Plot works him in nicely.

Jackman really delivers as well.

What Was Bad?

The finale with the giant Silver Samurai- all of the stuff going on with him and how he exists to set up the bone claws for the next Film.

It is presented as part of the Plot, but feels way too sci-fi with the rest of the Film.
The same with how much they lean into Viper by the end.

So...

Is It Bad?

No

The Plot takes a weird U-turn in the 3rd Act.  It definitely defines the Film- for better or for worse.

The rest of the Film makes the most of Jackman and company, playing with the Fish Out of the Water element, enjoyable action and a complex Story.
It has stripped all of the X-Men elements out- for better or worse.

At least Jean Grey came back...for no other appearances (see above).

Streaming Standard: Agatha All Along (Episodes 3-9)

 Clearly, I planned to break this up more.
Then you know, we had 2 Hurricanes hit my Home State, so...I was busy.

Let's wrap up our look at Disney's newest Streaming hit...

All of the Coven is united.

They are on The Witches Road.

What follows are Trials for each Witch, which gives the Producers an excuse to get fun outfits for everyone and new Sets.

Of course, the Trials aren't easy and the group will learn many things along the way- even what they don't want to know!

Each Witch has their own backstories and motivations.

They each want something different- will this put them at odds?

On top of that, they won't all make it out alive!

We eventually learn all about the Teen- which I won't SPOIL for anyone not in the know.

He gets his own Backstory Episode, which is tradition for any Prestige TV Show.

Can the Coven complete the Trials?
Who will make it?

If they do, will they get what they want?

To find out, stream it now.

An MCU Show that really delivers both in quality, but variety.

A common complaint I've seen is that 'MCU Shows are just long Movies cut into pieces.'
I don't really agree, but I can see why some people say it about Shows like, for instance, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier.

This one has a strong, episodic format though.  Each Episode builds nicely upon the last, using the breaks well.  They aren't arbitrary.

If we're going to call every Streaming Show just 'a long Movie,' then many others need to have this 'complaint' lodged against them.

Everyone shines here, from Zasheer's attitude to Lupone's grace to Hahn delicious evilness that slowly changes.

I was worried that the 2-Part Finale wouldn't work, but it sold me.  I don't talk about it here, of course, because major SPOILER potential.

Agatha All Along is a strong MCU Show that fans of Witchcraft and unique TV need to see.  Plus, it still has time for a dumb joke...

A really strong Show that builds and builds throughout its run.  The Show sets many interesting things in motion for the MCU to take advantage of.

Streaming Standard: Batman- Caped Crusader (2024)

Warner Bros' folly is another Streaming Company's gain.

Bruce Timm is back to make another Batman Cartoon.  This is on Prime because, as noted, WB apparently passed on it.

How are they losing money again?

Regardless, let's see how this new take on Batman turned out...

It is the 1940s and Bruce Wayne is a big time industrialist.

Gotham City, meanwhile, is still as corrupt as ever.

That's why he spends his nights fighting crime as Batman.

This one is based mostly on the early version of the Caped Crusader, minus his purple gloves (which were mostly like a coloring error).

The City is also beginning to fill up with criminals that aren't Mobsters or Gun Runners.

That's why he needs the help of Alfred, who doesn't seem to miss any meals in this version.
(which is how he looked before he was written as skinny to match the TV Actor).

Keeping the law is Commissioner Gordon and his Daughter Barbara.

Harvey Dent is the DA and wants to be Mayor, but he's more corrupt than he lets on.

Batman must rise to the occasion to stop the more outlandish villains that show up.

For instance, a version of Golden Age Clayface, Firebug and new versions of Harley Quinn and The Penguin.

On top of that, some new (to Batman) villains are entering the fray.

Onomatopoeia's wordless evil and Gentlemen Ghost's far more verbose villainy must be stopped.

To find out how Batman does, watch the Show now.

A really good Show that bridges the gap between nostalgia and being a new property.

It is a tricky thing, as the Show is based loosely on the Golden Age Comics, but also updating key aspects for a modern audience.
It gives us new content, while also reminding us nicely of the classic Animated Series.

The Show gives us another great iteration of Batman, which is great to see in the ensuing years since we lost Kevin Conroy.

The Stories are fun and the serialized nature works well.  You can watch individual Episodes on their own AND be rewarded with a through-line of a Story that connects all 10 Episodes.

The variety of Villains is nice, as we get some classic one likes Penguin (below), new riffs on ones like Harley Quinn and classic DC Villains like Gentleman Ghost facing off with Batman for the first time since The Brave and the Bold.

All in all, the Show is really damn good.  As a kid raised on the Animated Series, I'm both the target demo AND the hardest group to please.

It is good and I can't think of any reason to be mad at...oh, right.

I would have gotten to this sooner, but I wanted to ease my withdrawal by putting off the last 2 Episodes.  Now is the great time to watch it!