Aquatic Killers: Crawl (2019)

 A Film that I bought before it was recommended to me.

Now that I'm back from my trip, let's end January with this 2019 Thriller...

A young woman is a trained Swimmer trying to rise up the ranks.

She's dealing with personal issues when more arise.

She's told that her estranged Father is not answering any calls and he's in the path of a Hurricane!

She drives down to find him, but is told that she can't go any further.

Since the Movie would be boring if she just sat in a Diner waiting for his call, she goes ahead and bypasses the safety stop.

She goes to his last known address and finds his dog.

Said dog indirectly leads her back to the family home, which they haven't been to in a long time.

Oh, and that Hurricane is not slowing down!

She ends up in the crawl space looking for her Father.

She eventually finds him lying there wounded as the water lever slowly rises.

Oh and there's also a hungry Alligator down there.

Worst

Roommate

Ever!

Can they survive against an Apex Predator?

To find out, watch the Film now.

A really strong Film that I'm sorry about 'sleeping on' for so long.

Sidenote: I remember going to buy Rifftrax Live tickets in 2019 and was surprised to see the old couple in front of me buying tickets for this one!

The Film is a masterwork in regard to doing so much with so little.

They have a simple, but effective set. 
Simple, but effective CGI for the Alligator effects.
The weather provides the ticking clock for the Story that creates tension.

I was wary of this one, if I'm being fully honest, as this sounded like another 'Person Trapped with X' Plot (a la Open Water or the like).  I've found those surprisingly boring and have put off others (like the original Frozen).

I was wrong.
Crawl is great.

If you still haven't seen it, check it out.  Or you can be like my Facebook buddy and just watch it again.

I'll leave you with some subtle, but also inaccurate foreshadowing.

Next up, I might as well go all in on this Theme.  Let's begin February with yet another killer reptile, which is the counterpart to Primeval.  Stay tuned...

Mondo Bizarro vs AI Generated Fake Trailer Pictures!

I stumbled upon this weird trend a while back when collecting Screen Captures for Alien- Romulus.

If you look up the Trailer for a recent Film on Google, you'll find a few of these.

Let me share with you some of the weirdest/worst I found...

1) Deadpool and Wolverine

This Blockbuster got lots of clicks for its Trailers and Clips.
As such, someone both SPOILED a Plot Point and also got one completely wrong.

What's up with that janky Wolverine too?!?

2) Alien- Romulus

This one inspired my search, but I also didn't want this to be the picture that popped up when I posted this.

Anyhow, this one is clearly for someone's weird kink...and also not by someone who has ever seen an Alien Film.

WTF?!?

3) Azrael (2024)

I just covered this Film and this...sure isn't for it.

Maybe- just maybe- this was inspired by a weird AI Prompt and not the Film itself.

Could someone make a Film off of this now?

4) Godzilla x Kong- The New Empire

This one is pure laziness when it comes to using an AI Image Generator.

He's King Kong...so a Crown?  Sure!

5) Captain America- Brave New World

This one gets enough flak from people for daring to have Sam as the new Captain America.

It doesn't need this kind of drivel to 'prove' people right.
Thanks.

6) Mission Impossible- Dead Reckoning (Part Two)

Look- I know that Tom Cruise wants to shoot a Film in orbit.

That said, this is awful.
Look at his head, for starters.

7) Transmorphers- Mech Beasts

They wish that they could make this.

The Asylum's second Transformers rip-off Sequel somehow has a random person saying that THIS picture is from the Movie.

Hell, did they even shoot this Film in 4K?

8) Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

The uncanny valley is a bad place to live.

This one was also made before the official Title was revealed.

This is the scariest Beetlejuice has ever been though. 
Isn't that right, Wax Figure of Jenna Ortega?

9) Superman (2025)

Many, many months of hype and speculation.
A new head of DC Films.
A new start.

Someone...made this.

Do you make these?

Do you know someone who makes them?

A slap is in order.

Good grief!

Shudder Day: Crocodile (1979)

You have to learn to Croc before you can Crawl.
Wait- that's not right.

Regardless, I thought it might be fun to watch a cheesy '70s Crocodile Film before I get around to a more recent Film that is held in high regards.

You got me covered, Shudder!

In Thailand, crocodiles are quite prevalent.

They are kept on 'farms' to put on shows for Tourists.

This one- however- is on the loose and eats people.

It is also gigantic...in some shots.

I just hope that this real crocodile was treated well after it got done stomping around a terrarium.

It earned another chicken or three, I think!

It creates a tragedy when it kills the Daughter and Wife of one of our Leads and the Wife of another (as they didn't have a kid).

Mind you, this sometimes-giant crocodile somehow snuck into shallow water, killed the kid with no traces of blood and did the same thing to the ladies.

The next time we see this thing it makes a literal blood whirlpool, so the Film doesn't shy away from the stuff!

At this point, the Film becomes a mix of two Films.

It is like Godzilla when it attacks Villages (which are definitely not Models) multiple times, smashes them up and kills a bunch of people (about 50% of which are British/American Tourists).

It also becomes Jaws when the duo hire a third guy- with a giant eagle tattoo on his chest- to take them out in a boat to kill it.

They also use this shot of a real crocodile's eyelid cover moving back and forth about 46,000 times too.

Said trip on the Boat- which is what the last third of the Film is- does not go well.

First, they track it with little luck (even doing the barrels).
Second, a Comic Relief Reporter joins them.

Not Quint gets eaten- of course- but they don't do the bit with the Cage.

Even so, the buddy gets eaten and THEN the Reporter tries to blow it up with a grenade (in a bit that actually pre-dates Jaws 3-D doing this!).

It's a pyrrhic victory, however, as the Crocodile, the boat and the Lead are all blown up.  The (not happy) End.

A truly silly, but mostly enjoyable Film.

Is this a Film that can match up to Jaws?
Hell No!

Is it a Film that can match up to, let's say, Orca or Tentacles?
Maybe...but it is close.

Crocodile takes a bit to get going and will feature a couple of things that were considered 'culturally acceptable' for the time.

Basically, there's some nudity (one Scene) and an unfortunate case of a real animal being killed.

Outside of that, you get ridiculous melodrama, inconsistent effects and a pretty enjoyable piece of Bad Cinema.  The titular creature is either a real crocodile in close-up, a decent model or a real one wandering around with tiny props.

It is so gloriously bad.

The Film can sometimes surprise you with a unique camera angle or trick though too.

All in all, Crocodile is just plain ridiculous, which is helped by it being played just so damn straight.

Why make a Film about an unrealistically large crocodile when the real thing is big and scary enough?

If you go into this expecting nothing close to high art, you will be entertained.  You will believe that a giant crocodile can make a deadly whirlpool!

Screener Flix: Sunray- Fallen Soldier (2025)

 Let's make my first 2025 Review one for a Screener.
I haven't done one of these in far too long!

This is Sunray- Fallen Soldier, an Action-Drama hitting Digital and select Cinemas starting today.

The Filmmakers are leaning into the idea that the Stars are former Royal Marines, which is supposed to give it a really legit feel.

Does it work?

Will this one make me dive back into doing more Screener Reviews?
Let's find out...

In the Cold Open, a group of military men take out a Drug Den.

They use precise tactics and structure.

They burn the supply.

However, they didn't get who they were after.

The battle will continue.

Good thing- we're only 10 minutes in!

The Film focuses on Andy, a former Marine.

He's got all of the usual issues- PTSD, Survivor's Guilt, an Ex-Wife and a Daughter he's not close enough too.

He's just trying to live a normal life.

We also follow Cassius, who is the Boyfriend of Andy's Daughter.

He has a job that he's super vague about and ends up leaving her alone at a party.

She ends up ODing on some drugs- that he brought over!- and Andy is pulled into action.

He works his way up the chain of command to get his bloody revenge.

He's joined by his fellow former Marines.

Will they get him what he wants?

To find out, watch the Film now.

A Film that is both more of what you expect and also much more of what you don't.

Simply put, the Film is much more of a serious Drama with some Action in it.
That's not a complaint- just a clarification.

The Film really focuses on Andy's state-of-mind.  It focuses on how he's dealing with all of his problems.

The short answer- not well.

Going on a revenge quest seems to be the answer he's seeking, but should it be?
That's the question.

The Action Scenes are well done and they definitely have a 'real' feel to them.  The Actors' experience as Marines does play into things nicely, with them working in formation and using military tactics.

The Film doesn't have too much of one modern issue- CGI squibs/blood.

As you can see below, they have some practical effects.

Just know going in that there's lots of Character Drama, which is thankfully well-acted.  You will get your action fix, but the Story is the main thing here.

I guess since this is a British Film, I should say that they do a 'bloody good job' with the Acting, right?

A Film with a heavy focus on Drama- often Melodrama- and Story.  That said, the Action Scenes are great when they show up.

Tubi Thursday: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (2009)

 A technical glitch on Tubi guided me to a Film other than VHS- Viral.

I hear that people really hate that one, so am I upset?

Nah- I've been hearing nothing but good things about this one for years.

A group of cliche College Kids go out into the Appalachian Woods on Memorial Day.

They hear all about a massacre by some hillbillies that same day 20 years ago.

Meanwhile, the titular hillbillies are going out to the same Woods to renovate Tucker's new Cabin.

Dale tries to talk to the girls, but they think he's threatening.

It's the scythe, right?

After a big misunderstanding leads to one of them staying at the Cabin, the group goes to 'rescue' their friend.

It ends poorly, as you can see.

Once the Law gets involved, things only get worse.

How can you explain your innocence when your yard is covered in three bodies (so far)?

Blood will fly.

Confusion will reign.

Who will live and who will die?

To find out, stream it now.

No misunderstanding here- this Film is pretty darn good.

This is the good kind of Horror Comedy where it can work as both things simultaneously.  It's not making fun of Horror Films or Horror fans- it's just funny.

The idea is a good one, telling the tale of innocent hillbillies, a group of people that have been demonized since, well, Deliverance.  There are probably earlier examples, but this one is the strongest, no?

Tucker and Dale are a fun duo.  If they are just going to be a one-off, that's honestly quite great.  
Could you do a bunch of other Films with them getting into a Horror Film by accident?  Sure.
Could some of them be really good?  Yes.
Is that a guaranteed thing?  Hell no.

It's not quite a full deconstruction of the Horror Genre like I was expecting, but it sure was fun.  It makes a nice ending for a day.  Let me tell ya...

A fun Horror Comedy that works without being (too) crass or META.  What a (great) concept!

Fiction vs. Fiction: The Postman (1997)

 After Waterworld, Kevin Costner needed to rebound.  

Sadly, this didn't do much to help.

This Film has come recommended to me for a long time by my Father, who actually saw it in Theaters with my Grandpa.

I only just now saw it.

Oh, and I read the Book.  That's the whole point of this, isn't it?

What's the Same?

In the Year 2013, the Earth is pretty messed up.

Society has collapsed.  Technology is gone.  Everyone lives like a mash-up of The Old West and Feudal Europe.

In the Book (written in 1985), there's no year given.  So far so good otherwise.

Our Hero is not named in the Film.  He is just called either 'The Postman' or 'Shakespeare.'

In the Book, his name is Gordon.

We meet him right away being ambushed by Raiders and trying to track them down to restore his stuff.

He goes to a Village and wows the people- well, most of them- by performing MacBeth.

This does happen in the Book...much later.

The Village is attacked by the Film's big bad, who captures and conscripts our Hero into his Holnist (named after Nathan Holn) Army.

General Bethlehem is a cruel conqueror.

What's Different?

None of this happens in the Book.  

The Army is real- led by a man named Macklin- but he doesn't meet up with the Postman/Gordon until at least halfway into the Book.

He never conscripts him to the Army.

He is attacking Villages for resources in both Versions.

The Postman eventually makes an escape from the Army while out on Patrol.

As we near the Hour mark, he seeks Shelter in a Postman's abandoned vehicle and puts on the uniform.

In the Book, he finds it on Page 22 (of 302).

The Postman (the skeleton- to be clear) was also not wearing the jacket at the time, so the clothes are clean (and not covered in dead guy flesh that rotted for a decade).

In both versions, he starts a long con to get food and shelter as he travels across Oregon.  He spreads the happy lie of the Restored United States Government.

One day they will help.

He also meets up with a young lady and agrees to help her conceive, as her Husband cannot due to radiation poisoning.

In the Book, we don't really touch upon them again- other than a brief bit at the end.

In the Film, the General shows up after The Postman left and kills the Husband when he won't offer him Prima Nocta (Droit du Seigner if you're a snooty French Person).

She's also taken captive and later escapes with The Postman.

After he recovers over the Winter (from being shot), the Postman and Abby (Olivia Williams from The Crown, Rushmore and The Sixth Sense) discover that Jefferson- who he met earlier- has founded a Postal Service of young people.

In the Book, he forms this- alongside the closest Character to this one.

This seems to be a version of how Dena (a character not in the Film) formed a Women's Militia.  Presumably she was also conflated with Abby for the Film version.

Again- Abby is barely a thing in the Book.  She's the 3rd lead in the Film.

The Film also excises two major elements from the Book...

A bunch of Scientists run Cyclops, a super computer that plans out actions for survival.  This turns out to be a lie, as the computer is actually dormant and they run it like The Wizard in The Wizard of Oz.

Macklin- the Holnist Leader- is also revealed to be a Super Soldier- one of four- that was made via military experiments pre-War.

The Climax of the Book involves Gordon watching as General Powhatan battles Macklin.  He is also a Super Soldier- because why not.

In the Film, he rallies an Army of Postmen.

Since The Postman was conscripted, he challenges Bethlehem to a fight to lead the Army.  That Plot point from nearly 90 minutes ago pays off.

Did I mention that the Film is nearly 3 hours yet?

In the Book, Powhatan defeats Macklin- after taking out the other Super Soldiers in the Book equivalent of Off-Screen (Off-Page?).

This signals the end of this front of the Battle against the Holnists.

In the Film, we then jump to 30 years later and society is mostly better.  A Statue is made for The Postman- who is now dead- and his work lives on.

In the Book, he rides off to California, for a Sequel that- to my knowledge- does not exist.

Final Thoughts

I'm torn on this one.

The Sci-Fi Elements in the Book are a mixed bag.  I like the stuff with Cyclops, since it acts as a parallel to Gordon spreading hope as The Postman.

I'm not sad that they cut the Super-Soldier thing.  At all.

I think the biggest overall change is really just to make this a Film for Kevin Costner.

Lots of stuff is changed- like him briefly having a Mule that he is sad to see die- and the whole focus is different.  The Book is all about how Gordon is a leader by INSPIRATION- not by his deeds.

He needs Powhatan- Super Soldier silliness aside- to be a Military Leader and figurehead.  He doesn't end up defeating the villain.

Am I surprised to see this change for Costner?  No.

They also turn Abby into- let's be honest- the same Character as Helen from Waterworld and Stands with a Fist/Christine from Dances with Wolves.

It is very blatant.
I'm happy to see Tom Petty at least.

The Film is fine, if too long and too preachy.
The Book is quite good, if kind of weird and silly by the end.

I give a tentative recommendation to the Book over the Film.

Is It Bad?!?: X-Men- The Last Stand (2006)

 After watching what some people call 'the best X-Men Movie ever,' it is only fitting to look at what used to be considered the worst.

Before Dark Phoenix came out, everyone hated this one and the Studio spent a bunch of time retconning it.

This is...

Pro: The Film takes risks right off of the bat.  We see a younger Xavier and Magnus recruiting Jean Grey in the late '80s.

Good foreshadowing.

Con: The technology wasn't quite there yet.  Plus, they are two people who were famous at this same point in their lives, so the matching has to be spot on!

Pro: Magneto is still written on-point here.  He is upset because a so-called Mutant Cure has been created.

He plans a big attack, which involves freeing Mystique (captured off-screen).

When he sees that the Cure works, he is extra-motivated.

Pro: We get a version of The Phoenix Saga.

Con: We don't get most of it, with the Story actually being about Jean (who cocooned herself at the end of X-2 like in the Comics) being so powerful that Xavier locked away a 'personality.'

That personality- Phoenix.

Con: We get very little of Scott, who is driven to meet her when she revives...only for her to drain him to death.

To be fair, James Marsden committed to doing Superman Returns, so he wasn't going to be available for much anyhow.

Pro: The dramatic face-off and brief fight between Xavier's team- Storm and Wolverine- against Magneto's new team- Juggernaut and Callisto- is nice.

Pro: The dramatic face-off between Xavier and Jean...even if it is only based on new information from this Film 20 minutes ago.

Con: Killing off Xavier is a big move that doesn't really pay off.

They actually retcon it IN THIS FILM, but it is never explained at the end of The Wolverine.

Pro: New Mutants with brief bits to shine.

Callisto- as confusing as this version is- looks nice and works well.

Beast is great, a Casting that has so far carried over into the MCU.

Multiple Man is memorable, even if it is just for 2 Scenes.

Con: Quill was somehow credited as Kid Omega.  I guess 'QUill' and 'QUentin' were close enough to fool some people.

Con: The Film heavily promoted Angel, but he literally flies in and out of the Movie twice.  Misleading much?

Pro: Rogue's Character Arc here is quite good.

She can't touch her boyfriend- Iceman- and sees him forming a bond with Kitty Pryde.
This drives her to go seek the Cure.

Officially, she got it- which creates a massive Plot Hole in The Rogue Cut- but they also shot a version where she didn't.

Con: They picked the wrong Ending.

Pro: Magneto strikes in a big way.  He takes the Golden Gate Bridge and turns it to Alcatraz, where the Facility has been kept.

Con: We cut from it being maybe late afternoon on the Bridge to *the dead of night* for the final battle.

I like the moody lighting, but...come on now!

Pro: We get little bits of newer Characters- like Glob Herman- which is better than nothing.

Con: Colossus sure doesn't do much until he throws Wolverine at the end.

Pro: Magneto getting depowered- but also not really- is good.  Jean's death- while melodramatic- was used well in the next Wolverine Film that we talk about (so not Origins).

What is Good?

The Plot outside of Jean just being, well, crazy has some really good points to it.  It brings together a large group of Characters and gives *most* of them at least one moment to shine.

Characters aren't bastardized and the little moments work.  For instance, Magneto rejecting a 'Mutant Tattoo' that Kid Omega's group all got by showing his Concentration Camp mark and saying that 'No needle shall ever touch my skin again.'

Great stuff.

The Movie also looks really great, with most of the nearly 20-year-old CGI still looking pretty darn good in HD.

What is Bad?

The change to Jean Grey to make the new 'Phoenix' thing work is not a great.  The fact that the worse Film- Dark Phoenix- got that right is notable.

Many of the Characters used in Cameos are so blink and you miss it that I almost wonder what the point is.

Also you did 'The Juggernaut- bitch' in this one.
A Deleted Scene has 'Here's Juggy'- which is somehow worse.

Killing off multiple Leads is also a choice they made that certainly taints things.

So...

Is It Bad?

No

This one is admittedly closer than others so far, but I stand by it.  The Film is 2/3 of a great X-Men Film.  It's not a complete ruination of the Characters and Plot.

Enough of the Film is good to great that I can't hate it nearly as much as I did in 2006.