Tubi Thursday: Snow White and the 7 Samurai (2024)

 Let's stick with the 'Updated Fairy Tale' Theme here and go to an old enemy...I mean, friend (?)- The Asylum.

Will this 2024 Snow White Film work where- apparently- Disney's did not?

Let's find out...

In Present Day Los Angeles, a Drug Kingpin (Eric Roberts) has a Daughter who wants him to go legit.

This is rendered moot when he's killed in literally the first 5 minutes.

Whoops.

Why is she called 'Snow White,' you ask?
Because her Dad was a COCAINE Kingpin.

No, really.

In the wake of his death, she gets the empire, but the Wife sends a (hunts)man to kill her.

Is that...B.A. breaking bad?!?

She survives, of course, but now the Wife is working to take over the whole Empire!

You know- his Kingdom!

Our Heroine is saved by a woman who turns out to be part of a group of Lady Samurais (with about 2 Asians in the group of 7) who call themselves Omninusha.

The Close Captions don't agree, as it always comes out as Onee-Musha.

They are the remains of an elite group of fighters and defenders of peace.

They are shadows.
They are the night.

They are...kind of bad at this.

I'll spare you the Plot Twist this one time.  Sorry, not sorry.

The Wife is an expert fighter and fends off the other Omnimusha.

How?

She was one herself!

Where have I seen that exact Plot Twist with an elite group of female fighters before?

Can they stop her?

Can Snow White get her revenge?

To find out, stream this one now.

A pretty silly Movie that plays it 1,000% straight.

Consider the Plot- heretofore unknown Elite Samurai must stop an expert Fighter from taking over the Drug Cartels alongside a lady who has only trained with them for like a week.

Does that sound silly?  Yes.
Do they think so?  No.

Positives- there are some good fight Scenes, and they do mine some decent pathos out of this one.  It's not much, but the one-on-one fights are somewhere between a Direct-to-Streaming Film (like this) or stuff that tries to be John Wick.

The Pacing is the big issue as the middle is taken up by 'Let's Train Snow White' for ages.  It wasn't a great choice or execution.

Beyond just a silly pun Title, this one is alright, but not much more.  Speaking of that Title, it's one so old and obvious that even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon made it when I was a kid!

A pretty so-so Film with some decent fights and action.  It's just too bad that the same effort didn't go into the Script and Production Values that went into the sparring.

Fairly Tale: Red Riding Hood (2011)

 Never has a Tagline said so much as this...
'From the Director of Twilight.'

Look- dunking on Twilight is easy.  It's also fun.
That said, the Film led to many similar Films being greenlit and this sure is one of them.

A year before Snow White and the Huntsman AND Mirror Mirror, this one told an 'updated' version of a Fairy Tale.

Only it doesn't.  Little elements exist, but it is not REALLY that tale.

To find out how a Film about a little girl in peril in the Woods became a Twilight-style love-triangle Horror Romance, read on...

The Film tells the tale of a Village in the middle of the Woods.

They sacrifice their livestock to feed a dangerous Wolf from the nearby Woods.

Our Heroine- Amanda Seyfried- is caught in a love triangle between, say it with me, the Safe but Boring Hunk and the Dangerous, Bad Boy Hunk.

Things get worse when a human victim of the Wolf is made.

It is Seyfried's Sister!

This will both make more and less sense by the End.

They go out to kill the Wolf and one of the men dies.  Do you care which one it is?

They celebrate...until Gary Oldman comes in to kill the buzz.

He's a Werewolf Hunter (not the Film) and tells them that the Werewolf is Within (also not the Film)!

The creature attacks again shortly, wreaking havoc in the middle of Town.

It is oddly similar to the Scene with the Romani in The Wolfman from a year earlier.  Hmm...I wonder...

In the middle of things, the Wolf (which is giant-sized a la Twilight) talks to Seyfried via...telepathy.

Weird.

Throughout the Film, they try to justify casting Julie Christie and giving her nothing really to do.

She appears in a few Dream Sequences (thanks for that pointlessness) and apparently is led by a random line to investigate the Wolf.

Oh and she lives out of Town, not that it factors much into the Plot.

Seyfried is pressed to confess to 'witchcraft' and is used as bait for the Wolf.

Oh and a mentally handicapped guy is killed for no reason.  Joy.

Will she be the next victime?

No, she's saved thanks to a complicated plan involving her Dad (aka Mustache Dad from Twilight) and both would-be boyfriends.

One vanishes during the events, making him a suspect.

EIGHTY MINUTES IN, she finally puts on the Hood and goes into the Woods to Grandma's House.

It's a trap!

Just like the Story (for once), the Wolf killed her.

Unlike the Story, the Wolf is actually her Dad.  He killed his Daughter...when he found out that she was not his.

The Bad Boy Hunk rushes to save the day, but gets bit before the Dad is killed.  Now he'll turn (like this Film).

Depending which Version you watch (as this was released TWO TIMES on DVD/Blu-Ray), Seyfried either waits for him to return...or waits for him to return with his baby.

The End.

Honestly, how is this even an Adaptation of the Story?

I'm all for playing with the Story or deconstructing it.  You can do weird stuff with a Wolf/Werewolf Film.
Here are literally three different examples.

You could do a weird or dark Film based on Red Riding Hood without changing 90% of it.  The 10% that is accurate involves her eventually wearing the Hood and saying the famous lines...in a Dream Sequence.

That's it.

Make a weird YA Romance involving Wolves or whatever.  Just don't make it based on a famous Tale and change all of it.

When Gary Oldman can't save you, things are bad.

It is not nearly the worst one of these, but it is VERY forgettable.  It's only been 2 days and blanking on Plot Points already.

Take us away, Shot that proves how much you aren't Twilight...

Next up, let's hop back to the tale of the Huntsman...but not Snow White.  This one is either a Prequel, a Sequel or both.  Nobody knew then and I'll find out now.  Stay tuned...

Streaming Standard: Kraven the Hunter (2024)

 The Sonyverse is a thing.
Well, it was.

Let's enjoy what we got, rather than mourning what we lost.

Oh right- we lost this one.
Cheers all around!

A strange man (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) gets into a Soviet Prison and then kills a Mobster in there.

He escapes using his super-strength and reflexes.

Who is he?

To answer that, let's spend over 20 minutes explaining it via flashback.

He's the son of Russell Crowe (as Superhero Dad #3) who goes out hunting with him and the younger brother.  During the hunt, a lion bites and drags him off!

Luckily for him, a lady was given a magic potion THAT VERY DAY by her Grandmother.

She used it to save him and that (plus the lion's blood that fell into his open wound) gave him animal powers.

Sure- why not?!?

He ran away, leaving the younger Brother with Dad.
Said Brother is a voice mimic who is nicknamed The Chameleon.

Just go ahead and roll your eyes, Marvel fans.

Things escalate when a strange man (and a rival criminal) kidnaps the Brother.

He desperately wants someone to team up with him, which sure is a likable character trait.

As for why he wears that little backpack, he has a rare condition that causes his skin to harden.

A Doctor (that we never meet, but is pure Sequel Bait) gave him the power to control it and that's why he's nicknamed The Rhino.

Eyes back in position?
Good- roll them again.

Can Kraven team up with the lady who healed him (who is oddly a version of Calypso!) to save his Brother by defeating the duo of Rhino and Foreigner (an even deeper cut than Calypso)?

Can this Film redeem itself?

Also why does this weird rule about Rhino being introduced into Live Action and the Universe immediately ending always come true?

To find out the answer to two of those questions, stream this one now.

This one is not good, but it isn't for necessarily the usual reasons.

Is the Plot bad?  No.
Is the Plot great?  Also no.

The Film has many issues, starting with how it presents its Lead.  Kraven is not a likable hero, nor is he a true anti-hero.  He kills bad guys, yes, but isn't a likable guy.

I think Johnson was trying here, but the character is about as shallow as a puddle.
I just do not care about him and his plight.

So much of this is cliche.  
At the same time, so much of this is just really dumb.

This world has magic potions, Doctors that can give you superpowers and guy who has superpowers just because.

Make this make sense!

The Film was sold on its brutal action, but, honestly, Daredevil- Born Again does it better with more restraint.  So, the big hook here is pretty much gone.

This isn't truly terrible.  It is just very forgettable and by the numbers.
Can I get another one of these terrible AI Trailer Images?

Kraven is not worse than Morbius, nor is it better than Madame Web.  Was it worth the wait?  Not so much.

Fairly Tales: Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

 Have you ever bought a used Trade Paperback and gotten a Movie?  I have.

My copy of a Wonder Woman Trade Paperback (found in a Thrift Store, mind you) had a copy of the Animated Wonder Woman Film AND a digital copy of today's Film.

This is Snow White and the Huntsman, a 2012 Film that attempted to mix two things together- Snow White and Game of Thrones.

2011's HBO Series changed TV forever and also affected Movies.  Someone might say 'This Film was in development for XX months' or something, but do the Math here.

Is it just a coincidence that this dark, grim and violent version of Snow White was made in the wake of that Series?  Really now?!?

The Film was mired in controversy for what happened between the Star and the Director, but was it a good Film?
I'd say that it was good enough to get a Sequel, but I just watched the 258th Children of the Corn Film, so...that's not a standard.

To see how it turned out (and certainly not to milk those Disney hate clicks), read on...

It is a Tale as old as, well, around 1812.

A happy King and Queen have a Daughter.
The Queen dies.

The King finds a new Queen...but she turns out to be evil and kills him.

In this King's defense, it is Charlize Theron.

The Queen in this one has more overt magical powers, summoning a glass army to be defeated and be 'rescued' from.

After she kills the King, her real Army arrives and kills most of the people.

She keeps Snow White alive because 'royal blood is always useful.'

Of course, as you know, White grows up to be Kristen Stewart.
This is 2012, so people didn't realize that she could act when NOT in Twilight Films.

The Queen consults her MAGIC Mirror, which appears twice in the form of a person bathed in golden robes.

This adds nothing, but thanks...I guess.

She's told to consume Snow White's heart, as she is the only one who can stop her!

She escapes, so the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) is hired to find her.

He betrays the Queen, of course, and the two flee.

Confusingly, they go into the Dark Woods which don't actually have creatures in it (just hallucinations that you experience).

In the next Scene, a Troll is there, so...huh?!?

The duo face trouble along the way, with the Queen's Brother (and possibly more!) pursuing her.

There's also a Love Interest Guy (whose name is so unimportant that I can't be bothered to look it up) who is following them too.

They fun across some Bandits, who turn out to be the Eight Dwarfs.

Wait- Eight?  Oh....ohhhh...gotcha.

They are played by respected UK Actors like Ian McShane, Toby Jones, Ray Winstone and Bob Hoskins (in his final role!) with their heads digitally placed onto a little person's body.

It is...an effect.

Can they stop the Evil Queen?

Can Snow White unite her people?

Can Hemsworth get his 'sort of a Glaswegian thing' accent to stick?

To find out, rent/buy/stream it now.

A Film that is actually pretty good, even if the tone is a bit odd.

Simply put, this was an attempt to make a dark, dramatic and very violent retelling of this story.

In that sense, it worked.

That said, the Book has her killed in a much more malicious manner than any Film I'm aware of.  Is that actually too dark for us?!?

I will give the Film lots of credit for getting good Actors- like Theron, Stewart and Hemsworth- for the big parts.  They do well here.

The Film also gives the Evil Queen- aka Ravenna- some backstory to make you care for her.  She's evil, but you can see why she got put down that path.  You almost feel sorry for her...until she soul drains another dozen young girls.

Is this one better than Mirror Mirror?  Yes, quite a bit.

Is this one great?  No, but it comes pretty close.

It does lots of good things with the story, lots of garish things and lots of odd ones too.

Since it is the right time, let's play a game.

Hey Internet, Disney is Remaking another Animated Film into Live-Action.
How do you feel?

Next up, let's put a break between this one and the Sequel (which I also have digitally).  Instead, let's jump back a few years to an earlier attempt at this same kind of concept.  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Children of the Corn- Runaway (2018)

 What happens when you don't want to lose a license?
You make a Film that nobody asked for- that's what.

Dimension Films did this a couple of times in 2018 and this sure is one of them.

Want to see more evil Children?
Someone use Corn Magic (that's a phrase coming out of the moth balls!)?

Well, you're in luck...

...kind of.

You get a little bit of that.

You mostly just follow this lady named Ruth who apparently was 30 when she left the Cult, burned down the field and had a kid.

13 years later, she still looks 30 and is now raising said kid.

They go from town to town to get as far away from Gatlin as possible.

I guess a plane trip was just out of the question, eh?

The Film gives you snippets and teases of what it could do with new, updated effects.

Let's see people get killed and the blood/viscera float in CG freeze frame!

Ooh, let's play a death backwards.

Now let's only do that like 3 times over 80 minutes.

Instead, let's continue to follow Ruth as the people around her are killed and she tries to avoid the Cult...by not leaving Town.

It's a thrill ride...if the ride breaks down right at the start and makes you wait an hour.

The End.

I really don't like to be negative.  I really don't.

That said, this was not an enjoyable Film.

It wasn't even a well-made Film that happened to be bleak and/or depressing.

I can live with those.

Instead, this one- by Feast Trilogy Director John Gulager- is slow, plodding and intentionally vague.  The hints of a better Movie make everything just so frustrating!

You know what to do...but don't do it.

At least Tommy Wiseau never accidentally made a great shot in The Room, you know?

I don't want to point fingers here, but if you make a quick Film to keep a license and don't have a good idea...maybe just don't make it.

A Film that is not incompetent- it's just dull, listless and frustrating.  I want something either great or silly and this was neither.

Rip-Off Cover Art: Fields of the Dead (2014)

 A Film is hopefully better than its Poster.

That's the sizzle, after all.
The Film is the steak.

Hopefully that's true with this Film...

Do I even need to explain what they are ripping off?

Pale skin.
Long, dark hair that covers the face.

Did Sadako make it to America...and get lost in a Corn Maze?!?

This is her in the most recent American Film from 2013.

Of course, there's always another Poster, right?

In this case, there's a different Film Series to be homaged/ripped off.

Here's the other Poster I found on Google...

I feel the sudden urge to call someone an 'Outlander.'

I just remembered that they've made TWO more CotC Films since my Compendium.
Back to work there, I guess.

Case in point, this 2018 Sequel/Remake/whatever...

A-maize-ing, right?

I'll see myself out.

Shudder Day: The Kindred (1987)

 A Film about a life being born to end humanity should only be followed by a life being created to possibly do the same thing!

This is The Kindred, a Film that I did double check that I didn't already watch/review.
It sounds really similar to other Films, but is different.

Let's go...

A Scientist goes to see his Mother, who has just woken up from a coma after a heart attack.

She tells him that he has to go to her House and destroy all of her notes.

That and she must deal with his Brother- Anthony.
Who?!?

Oh and some guy crashes into a House that fell off of a truck and is nearly killed.
We get a B-Plot with a Paramedic who gives up the body...and is killed in his next Scene.

This sets up the villain of the Film- Rod Steiger- who wants Mom's research to supplement his own.

He doesn't get it, but Mom- aka Kim Hunter- dies.

The Son finally goes to her House to go through her notes.

Before that, however, he's met by a woman- Amanda Pays- who knows all about Mom's work.
He invites her to help out.

They find lots of vague notes, talk about hybridism and a lullaby set to play throughout the House.

One of them goes to a barn and is nearly killed by something with tentacles.

Of course, he's not the first victim- that lady drove off the night before and was killed by something similar.

It turns out that Pays is working with Steiger, bringing him the wounded hybrid from the earlier attack.

The group investigates and learns *most* of the Story.

Mom was making hybrids (for some reason) and one had the Son's DNA in it, making it his Brother.

Anthony finally shows up in full for the big Climax!

He attacks Pays after she reveals that she was hired to take him alive to Steiger.
Did he know that though?

A big battle ensues with the creature being electrocuted and dragging Steiger down with him.
Pays meets a worse fate (see below).

They actually blow up the House to destroy the rest of the creatures, ending all Sequel Bait.  The End.

A Film that sure is freaky in all of the right ways.

The Plot is a pretty simple one.  People need to go to Place.  Thing in Place wants to kill them.

That said, do you need something more complicated than that?  Nah.

There is the variable, of course, with Pays as a double agent.  It helps add a bit of intrigue to the events.

Does the Plot involving a hybrid, Lovecraftian creature make much sense?  Nah.
I love it all the same.

The fact that Pays turns into a Fish Lady bumps this up from a 6 out of 10 to a 7 out of 10.

The Kindred is a silly Film full of freaky creatures and a basic Plot.  It's less ugly than, well, this.

A fun and freaky Film that takes a bit to get going.  Once it is there, the Film hooks you nicely with its bonkers Plot.