New Crap: Silent Hill- Revelation

The real evil is the almighty dollar.  Seriously, we needed another Silent Hill film?  To be fair, the Game and Comic Book versions have not stopped.  It's not like the series is dead or anything.  That said, the 2006 film did little to set the world on fire and didn't make us yearn for more films.  Say what you will about the Resident Evil films- and I have-, but they have been making them consistently.  Either there's enough of a fan-base to have five films so far, with a sixth on the way.  That probably says more about ourselves as a society than anything else, but I digress.  So what has changed between the two films?  Well, all but one cast member is gone.  The one that is still here- Sean Bean.  Given his reputation for dying in every film he's in, I'm just amazed that he survived the first one to even be able to be in this one.  Just like that film, he's barely in it, so I guess that explains a lot.  The creepy little girl from the first film is now a teenager and dressed up like the heroine from Silent Hill 3- the one in a mall- and it throws in a token mention to that.  One big issue is that the whole concept of 'Silent Hill makes you see visions of your own psyche as monsters' is completely gone for this film, apparently just excised entirely.  Getting back to Resident Evil for one last time, they at least have The Umbrella Corporation making Zombies of some kind in every film.  So will this long-delayed sequel be good or just a 3-D mess?  To find out, read on...

Years after the first film, the creepy little girl is grown up- now with a blond dye job- and hiding from Silent Hill residents with Sean Bean.

In a Mall- to make Silent Hill 3 fans happy-, she's attacked by the creatures and this Detective gets killed.  CG Gore for the 3-D market!

She finally ends up in Silent Hill at the behest of a young man from School.  This lady is the source of the whole trouble.  Why does she look like our heroine?

To be fair, the movie has some crazy creatures.  There is no logic to them- as the psychological verification for any of this-, but they look neat.  It's the 2011 Thing Prequel all over again.

Here's a shock: a Horror Sequel/Remake that nobody requested features Malcolm McDowell.  I love you, Malcolm, but you can say 'no' sometimes.

The killer Nurses are back too.  Again- there was a reason for them in the game.  Here- not so much.

It all comes down to the evil girl who is deeply connected to our heroine.  It's all totally symbolic and...totally obvious.  That's really all you've got, movie?  Okay.

Is it me or does the villain here look like the Princess from Hellboy II: The Golden Army?  I mean, the hair, the dress...everything.  It can't just be me, can it?

Hey look- Pyramid Head.  You're token inclusion here really says what you think of your audience.  That's all I've got to say here.  To find out what happens in the End, watch the movie.

It's all CG and fury, signifying nothing.  Not to sound like a broken record, but most fans of Silent Hill love the series for its psychological impact.  They are games full of people being chased by freaky monsters, but there is always more under the surface.  One creature represents this aspect of a character, while another represents his deep-seated guilt.  In this film, a bunch of random monsters exist in a Brigadoon-like town that either pulls you in, someone tricks you into going there or you can just randomly drive in there.  Seriously, there are a couple of corpses...I mean, people that apparently just kind of drove in there.  That...is just silly, movie.  The film also suffers from Main Character Syndrome.  Basically, the Final Girl runs around the whole place and always escapes (is that really a SPOILER to anyone?) from danger.  Other people around her...are not so lucky though.  Oh look- a monster.  Who will survive- the Final Girl or this bitch that we just met?  Hmm...I wonder.  The biggest problem here is that the film is just forgettable.  Once you get past the re-use of its more iconic villains, what is there?  I saw it less than a week ago and I barely remember a damn thing.  At least it has boobs to...damn you, Pyramid Head!

Next up, another recent Horror Sequel that took over 5 years to appear.  How accurate can a film about Texas be if it was shot in New Orleans?  Stay tuned...

Bollyweird: 'The Undertaker' Takes New Dehli

Okay, it's not really the title.  Would you be as interested in Khiladiyon Ka Khiladi?  It's not that there's anything wrong with that title- in the original Hindi anyhow- but it does little to sell us in the United States.  It's apparently part of a series of films featuring the same lead, but that's not why I picked it for review.  No, I picked it due to its villain: The Undertaker.  Even most non-wrestling fans can recognize The Phenom, but I'll give a quick summary for the rest of you.  The Undertaker has been a staple of the WWF/WWE since late 1990, holding multiple titles and holding an Undefeated Streak at Wrestlemania (the Super Bowl of Pro-Wrestling) of 21-0.  Now here's the catch: this film does not really feature The Undertaker.  Back in 1994, a story was done involving a fake Undertaker (nicknamed the Underfaker) battling the real one.  Two years after that story was dropped as quickly as it started (they had one match, I believe), the man who played the role- Brian Lee- got cast as 'The Undertaker' in this film.  It also features another Pro-Wrestler- Brian Adams- and a whole bunch of people speaking in dubbed Hindi.  Here's another thing: this movie was made in Canada.  I'm not sure why really, but that's what happened.  It's the story of crime, gambling and undead Pro-Wrestlers working for villains in Canada.  To see how this crazy film ended up, read on...

The film begins with a wrestling match on the roof of a Canadian building between Fake Undertaker (wearing a silly sash) and Crush, who's back-story here is that he ate all of the Miners trapped with him.  Ew and huh?

Fun Fact: Crush here would later serve as a Bodyguard for Randy Savage on his Rap Tour.  That has nothing to do with anything, but does give me an excuse to link to this.

Their match is...well, it's not good.  Lee has Undertaker's mannerisms down, but his performance level...not so much.

Crush ends up dying, but his body gets discovered with a link to the criminals clutched in his hand.

This is still a Bollywood film, so prepare for the first of several Musical Numbers that completely stop the story cold.  Yea.

I suppose you're wondering what film this is a Rip-Off of.  There's not one in particular for the whole film, but they do steal whole-sale from Rumble in the Bronx.  Here he is doing a move called The Flying Lewinsky.

Our hero becomes the Champion for the lady Mobster and faces off with The 'Undertaker.'  How does that go?

Ow.

While he recovers from that, let's stop the film for yet another Musical Number.  There's only seven (or so).

In their second face-off, our hero finally emerges victorious.  The real Undertaker has been buried alive (twice), locked in a coffin (at least twice), burned alive (at least once) & forced to try and make Giant Gonzalez look good at Wrestlemania.  He's a survivor.

Remember when I said that they ripped off Rumble in the Bronx.  In the Climax, our hero chases a bad guy on a Hovercraft and even runs him over with it.  Subtle, huh?

Our heroes jump away from a poorly-blended digital explosion and live happily ever after.  The End.

If you like crazy things, this is for you.  If you don't know who the fake Undertaker is, you may not find this as funny.  As an actual film, the thing is way too long (nearly 3 hours) and poorly-paced.  The opening fight, for example, is really long.  Basically, it's like watching the Kane & Undertaker vs. Kronik (also featuring Brian 'Crush' Adams) match.  If you've seen it, you'd know what I mean.  If you can deal with the length of the film, it's got a lot of action in it.  Granted, most of it is silly, but you take what you can get.  As a Bollywood film, it's pretty much all fluff.  There's very little substance here.  What is a bit odd in addition is just how much blood is in the film.  It plays like a mostly-All Ages film (save for some murder), but gets REALLY bloody at the End.  Oh and I still don't know why this was made in Canada and features a bunch of American Pro-Wrestlers.  Your guess is as good as mine.  If you're a fan of obscure and crazy films, this is *almost* the motherload.  That would still be The Dragon Lives Again, of course.  Take us away, great choreography...

Next up, a look at a pair of recent Horror Sequels with a weird thing in common.  First up, we return to Silent Hill since...um, 3-D is profitable.

Mondo Trivia: Deadly Blessing

* Here's a weird one.  In the UK, they cut the finale of the film.  They.  just.  cut.  it.

It's not for violent content (there's no blood) or suggestive content (i.e. sex).  Why did they cut this then?

* According to reports, they cut it 'to avoid confusion.'  Wow.

Words fail me, gentlemen.

Rare Flix: Deadly Blessing

Thanks for splurging on the High-Def Version, Netflix!  Today's film is Deadly Blessing, a film that is not remembered all that well.  Maybe it's the lack of a major DVD/Blu-Ray Release that hurts it.  After all, why would Netflix's Streaming Version be a pretty blatant VHS Rip?  It's not like there was a Blu-Ray Release from let's just say January of this very year.  Getting past my annoyance about the version carried by my provider of Movies, let's talk about the actual film, shall we?  Deadly Blessing is an early film by Mr. Craven and it's about evil Amish.  It's okay to trash talk them- they'll never read this!  A young woman's life is turned upside down by the sudden death of her husband and she calls her friends in to help.  What is the secret of the nearby not-actually-Amish group?  Are they really evil or is something more going on?  More importantly, who would trust Ernest Borgnine to lead a Religion after The Devil's Rain?  To find out the answer to SOME of those questions, read on...

*Before I begin properly, I just want to note that some of my Screen Caps were found online.  Others you'll see later were taken by me.  See if you notice the difference in quality.*

A group called the Hittites (which features Michael Berryman!) is 'all up in the grill' of a guy who left the group.  Him and his wife aren't exactly living in peace.

Their Leader- Ernest Borgnine- is especially animated about it.  He looks like a Muppet!

The husband dies in a freak 'accident' so our heroine calls her friends for help.  When in doubt, endanger friends AND loved ones!

One of her two friends is played by Sharon Stone.  She spends the whole movie pretty much reacting and being scared.  Who said that there were no great roles for women?

Three years before he would do the famous Tub Scene in Nightmare on Elm Street, Craven would do a prototype version with a snake here.  It's just one of two moments like this, actually.

Eventually, the brother of the dead husband leaves the Hittites because he has the hots for one of our heroine's friends.  It all works out, though, when they are both burned to death.  Ha ha ha- death pun!

The climax of the film comes when a couple crazier members of the Hittites attack the house.  It's all very stock, but it's not exactly the end.

After everything seems to have calmed down, everyone leaves the house, save for our heroine.  Suddenly, the lights go out, a zombie version of the husband shows up and the oft-mentioned Succubus pops out of the floor (echoing Freddy's ending attack from Nightmare) and pulls her to Hell.

So yeah, that happened.  The End.

It's interesting from an historical standpoint, but that's about it.  Blessing suffers from low-production values, odd pacing and just a general sense of malaise.  There are a few really good, tense scenes in the film, but they are way too spread out.  It reminds me a bit of A Blade in the Dark in a lot of ways.  That film was Made-For-TV (in Italy) and featured kill scenes every 15 minutes on the dot.  If the film was paced a bit better, I'd really not have a whole lot to complain about.  It's a neat story about sectioned-off societies trying to co-exist with a World that's different and determining who is wrong.  I think that a really good movie could be made with this premise.  Oh right- there was one and it was called Witness.  All kidding aside, I would have liked to see a lot more from here.  That crazy Ending almost makes the whole thing worth it- almost.  It's a flawed film that shows what Craven could and would do as a Director.  Oh and, seriously, spring for the High-Definition Version.  It's the least that you could do.  Take us away, Not-So-Revealing Mistake...

Next up, a crazy Bollywood film that comes from...Canada.  I'm mostly reviewing it for one special *fake* Guest Star.  Stay tuned...

2,100th Post Celebration: Dead in 3 Days

For this next milestone, I wanted to do something less terrible than your Amazing Bulks or Actium Maximus'.  To be honest, how much worse could I get?  Instead, I'll be covering a Thriller from Austria.

Wait- Austria, I said?  There's only one way to do that then...

Austrian Slash Flick: Dead in 3 Days

Dead in 3 Days
Foreign Title: In 3 Tagen bist du Tot

Austria, 2006

Director: Some Austrian Guy (aka Andreas Prochaska)
5/10

Dead is notable for being an Austrian Slasher Film.  Other than being dark and grungy, that's about it.  People are attacked, people are stalked and people die.  It's got a dark look and tone that a lot of people will like.  As for me, it just makes me think that I need a Tetanus shot!  If you like dark, painful and hopeless horror, this is certainly up your alley.

If you aren't a fan of this kind of film, the movie will do nothing to change your mind.  Not every film has to be revolutionary, I suppose.  You have to learn to walk before you can do Parkour, after all.  That said, the performances feel real and I did feel a bit of something for these people.  

The big problem with this, however, is the long delay of the reveal of the killer's motive.  I can understand it to a certain extent, but no hints are given at all for a good 2/3 of the film.  Throw me a bone, movie!  Other than that, I don't have much to say.  It's good, but not great.  If it heralds bigger and better films, good.  If it doesn't, it's a real shame.

While it's nothing special, it's a well-made, middle-of-the-road Slasher film from the lovely little country of Austria.

Wow, that was weird.  It's hard to write like you, Maynard.  How do you do it all of the time?

******

Next up, Wes Craven brings us another Rare Flix courtesy of Streaming.  Oh and thanks for the VHS Rip, Netflix!  Stay tuned...

Because I Watched It: Mommy

The best gifts are those that you re-gift.  That's what cheap bastards say at least.

Because I didn't feel like watching Invisible Mom- can you blame me?-, here's a cheaper thing to do.  If they upload it, we will watch...

To see my review of this film- and its sequel-, go the links back there.

In all honesty, the film isn't terrible.  It's melodramatic as all hell, so there's some good comedy there.

Enjoy this day with your Mother.  Well, unless she's a Serial Mom.  That bitch is crazy.

Mondo Bizarro Reviews Anime: Marvel's X-Men Anime

Yeah, so I'm kind of cheating here.  Marvel's X-Men Anime was Written by Warren Ellis, Production was overseen by Americans and its based on Characters created by Stan Lee.  It is, however, an Anime through and through.  I'm also cheating a bit since I've been a life-long comic book fan and chose to see how they worked this.  I'm probably still going to do the tale of time-traveling and gender-swapping warriors in the future.  So can we all agree that everyone at least knows the basic concept of The X-Men?  Good.  This tale mixes a couple story ideas (i.e. The Dark Phoenix and Proteus Sagas) and throws them in a crazy blender.  They also use two characters that play a bigger part in the current comics, excising major characters like Colossus, Rogue and Maggot.  Okay, maybe that last one wasn't major, but you get the point.  A few of these Characters- and Captain Britain- do appear briefly in the final Episode, but I'll get to that later.  The story is interesting here, even if it has to be stretched a bit thin to reach twelve episodes.  It would be a really good 9-10 Episode show, but it is what it is.  Let's just build an 'X' in some wreckage and read on...

The film begins In Media Res with the Dark Phoenix knocking everything around and blowing shit up.  Did I miss the first three Episodes?

Oh and they never cut back, which makes it not a real use of In Media Res.  Leave it to the Japanese to make simple writing tropes all wacky.

Speaking of the attack, Wolverine is in his classic brown costume with mask.  After about twenty seconds, his face is smashed with a beam, destroying the mask.  He never wears it for the rest of the series.

So...I guess you don't like the mask, huh?

Anyhow, Jean dies to stop her rampage.  After that, the story jumps ahead roughly a year as the team grives- just like Wolverine and the X-Men (only with Jean instead of Professor Xavier)- and they go to investigate some missing Mutants in Japan.

So yeah, they're in Japan.  Did everyone not see that coming?

The villains are the U-Men.  They're crazy Scientists who capture and dissect Mutants as part of their experiments.  What are they after in Japan though?

Further investigation uncovers come bizarre effects taking place in the Mountains near where the disappearances took place.  Weird stuff.

One of the U-Men mentions a beast in the area.  Is it the source of the mutations?  Is it causing more Mutants to appear per capita in the area than anywhere else?  Hmm..

As for Professor Xavier, he decides to join in on the action in Episode 8 (I believe), but, naturally, doesn't actually make it there until Episode 12.  As you can see, he took the scenic route.

Highlights include Wolverine finally letting his Berzerker Rage (and Barrage) loose in the last few Episodes.  Good stuff, even if they do make you wait.

I won't SPOIL who or what this creature is other than to say that it plays a big part in the finale.  Of course, since I want to exploit a popular film for website attention...

Here's the literally five seconds of on-screen Iron Man from the last episode.  You get as much animation here as there is too.  He's literally just a single frame dragged across the screen.  Glorious and cheap, huh?  The End.

A lot of what makes this good is what makes it only so-so.  The plot is interesting, brings in many unique characters and has a lot of mystery.  As a counter-point, however, the plot is stretched thin to reach series length, many of the characters only get one or two great moments and the mystery is pretty clearly solved (at least by me) about three Episodes ahead of the Cast.  Like I said, it's not a bad story.  It introduces Armor- who is most famous from Joss Whedon's Astonishing X-Men comic- and actually makes Emma Frost into a pretty nuanced Character.  One downside (for me, anyhow) is the penchant for Dragonball Z-style 'Let's stand around and talk instead of stopping the bad guy' scenes.  Cyclops- you can shoot Optic Blasts, so how about you stop talking to the villain who's going to destroy the world.  There are also characters like Storm, who's Weather Manipulation Powers are mostly used for shoot lightning, shoots lots of lightning and...shoot more lightning.  It is especially silly when she's fighting a guy who turns into water.  Just freeze him, you idiot!  An odd, but understandable change is turning The Hellfire Club into The Inner Circle.  What's less understandable is replacing key villains like Sebastian Shaw, Donald Pierce (White Bishop) and Harry Leland (Black Bishop) with Marsh, Rat and Neuron.  They're not terrible characters, but it's just odd. The final verdict: it's got enough X-Men to please comic fans and feels enough like Anime to please those fans.  If you're not either one, you probably won't care all that much.  I'll leave you with my favorite gag of the whole thing: Squid Teacher.

Up next, a tale of time travel, women's lib and the Warring States period.  It's like if you mixed Dynasty Warriors with Final Fantasy X-II!  Stay tuned...