Sunday, August 28, 2016

Moviestopped: Blood Creek (2006)

Figures- I don't get the one with 'Superman' and 'Magneto' fighting Nazis!  Today's Film is Blood Creek, a 2006 Horror Film made for about the Budget one needs to buy a used Miatta.  Do they still make those?  In any event, this is part of the same DVD Set (as in one DVD!) as Grizzly Park, plus 2 others still to come.  To explain that Intro to those that don't know, there's also a Film called Blood Creek from 2009 with some future Stars like Michael Fassbender in it.  Instead of that Film, I get the one with annoying people going into the Woods with Ghosts.  Just my luck!  The Film does not feature anyone you'll probably recognize, so I'll spare you the Trivia.  I will note, however, that the Film's Star does apparently write for James Corden's Show- random!  Without further ado, the Review...
In a mostly-pointless Opening Kill, a couple in this Barn are killed by a noose and pitchfork.  Moving on...
Our so-called Heroes are a hodge podge of annoying people, albeit a little bit more varied than Park.

We get Obsessed With Recording Guy and Goth (looks like Stephen King) Guy this time!
Their random banter and drinking is interrupted by a mysterious woman, who is totally not a ghost!
They are going out to the Woods to camp the next day, but stop for Horror Cliche #524: Local Guy Who Says to Stay Away Due to Curse/Haunting.  Keep an eye on those teeth.
While waiting for the remaining couple to arrive, the group gets dared into wandering back through the cursed/haunted place.  They split into pairs- that way the Film can reach feature-length.
After alot of teasing, banter and nothing, they go back to Camp with the other gang.  That sure was...necessary!
Once that is out of the way, more filler and arguing takes place.  Great- now they're all drunk.

FINALLY something kind of happens as a few of the group are killed by such 'scary' ghosts as Glowing Eyes Lady and...Ghost Troubadour?
The remaining group is split up as some run to the Barn (why?) and others meet up with Gas Station Guy and his...now suddenly good tooth.

So is Tooth Continuity something to keep an eye out for now?
Oh and he's also a Ghost.  Basically everyone is really.

All but 3 die, the latter of whom is now possessed.  One last chance to rip off Blair Witch.  The End.
Bad, bad stuff.  Like I've said many times, I won't solely fault a Film for having no money.  After all, who gets $200 million Budgets easily, save for Colin Trevorrow?  That said, make a good Film.  This is just not it.  I will somewhat credit them for trying to make the Film about the Characters, as opposed to just making them meat to be killed.  The problem: I didn't like any of them.  They were written so badly for the most part and not Acted all that well.  I didn't care about them for the most part and actively wanted a couple to die.  The Film has some slow, slow build-up.  That can work...if the pay-off is good.  Yeah, it isn't.  Here's the biggest thing: the choppy Editing.  It was done so often that it almost had to be intentional, although I can't see why.  It just looked so unprofessional and added nothing.  If it was done to make the Film seem more 'surreal,' it failed.  It made it look like these guys couldn't do much in one take and Editing was too tricky for them.  It just kept cutting so awkwardly!  All in all, it was not good.  If you want scares, look elsewhere.  In their defense, the Production Company Logo kind of told you that...
Next up, let's keep going with this Disk.  It has to get better, right?!?  Stay tuned...

Saturday, August 27, 2016

'Deep Blue Sea' Moments: Grizzly Park (2008)

In Grizzly Park, they wait until the last 20 minutes to really get down to things.  After the quick death of 3 Main Characters, the 3 remaining ones hide out in a Shed.

After awhile, it is quiet.  Is it safe?
Preppy Guy thinks that it is.  What could possibly go wrong with your back turned in a Horror Film?
Oh right- the Bear!
So he dies in a pretty bloody manner.
The moral: never face away from an opening/door if there was just a killer Bear there recently.

Do I need to explain this to you?!?

This moral also applies in the case of Zombies and Werewolves.

Almost Heroes: Tony (Demons)

Demons is alot of movie to explain.  Here are the key points...

- Cursed Film-within-a-Film
- Theater full of People
- Demonic Killers

With that in mind, meet Tony and his girlfriend.  She was playing with a prop mask in the lobby and got cut, which is how the infection starts both here and in the Film they're watching.
Soon enough, she starts to transform (in one of the Film's most iconic moments) on stage!
Tony puts aside his feelings to try and save everyone, attempting to lead them to the exits.
Unfortunately (due to unclear reasons), that's a no-go and Plans B-D don't exactly work either.

As for Tony, he ends up hanging on a ledge between two Demons, death seeming imminent.
Death becomes pretty certain then when the rope hanging him there is quickly cut!
Sorry, Tony- you experienced the most personal loss AND failed to save the day.

There's always 'next time,' right?

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Moviestopped: Grizzly Park (2008)

Threat #1: Bears.  Today's Film is Grizzly Park, a Film I normally wouldn't care much about, but I got it for basically free as part of a 4-movie pack from Moviestop.  I miss you already!  The Plot is pretty basic: annoying people go in the Woods and die.  There's a bit more to it- although not much.  This has the grab bag of Film Character Cliches- from the Racist White Guy to the Preppy Girl to the Token Black Guy.  You know it is bad when the Black Guy replies to his name being called with 'In the house' and the Hispanic Girl answers 'Hola.'  I feel like they missed an opportunity to somehow show Night of the Living Dead here to complete Low-Budget Horror Movie Bingo!  To go more in-depth, the Plot involves some annoying people going out in a National Park as part of their criminal punishment.  The problem: a killer bear and a killer, well, killer are out there.  Who will live?  Who will die?  Will Ron Howard's Dad have more than a Cameo?  To find out, read on...
A Killer is on the loose.  He takes out a Department of Corrections Officer and...disguises himself as him...without cleaning off the blood on his shirt.  You is smart.

I should also note that the Film actually begins by (sort of) quoting II Kings 2:23-24.  Why?
We next meet our Cast and boy...do they exist...to annoy me.

On the plus side, Rance Howard shows up for 45 seconds.
This is Ranger Bob.  He's in charge of taking them out into the Woods as part of this punishment.

Just to repeat: he's taking people into the Woods...with all of the Animals...during the time when Bears are apparently gorging themselves.  Who approved this program again?
This is our Dumb Girl.  She confuses a Skunk for a Dog.  Remember this later.
About that whole Killer in the Woods thing?  That's over with pretty quick, as the Bear gets him.
Two of the gang split off to prove that they know the way better.  This works out great!
After wasting alot more time, the Ranger goes looking for the pair and the body count suddenly escalates, with more than half of the Cast getting killed in 10 minutes!  Holy pacing, Batman!
The Dumb Girl is revealed to be actually smart (and evil) after everyone dies.  So was that part with the skunk a trick (even though she was alone)?
Oh well- she dies.

As it turns out, Ranger Bob is evil...or something and he can see us.  The End.
Bears.  They are good.  This Movie is not.  It is pretty predictable and there's really no good surprises.  Hell, it isn't even much of a surprise that Dumb Girl is smart- it has been done 1,000,000 times by now (or 2008).  The reveal that Bob is the bad guy (or Hero, depending on your point of view) is not that surprising, but it does raise questions.  Was he directing the Bear?  Did the Bear kill some of them without his direction?  Did he also direct that Wolf that killed Asian Girl?  What is his motivation here?  I suppose none of that matters.  After all, this is just a Film and I'm kind of a dick for getting hung up on details.  Why should I expect logic here?  A man wears a shirt covered in blood and nobody bats an eye.  People are sent to the Woods to clean up trash.  A man snuck up there with a bear suit.  A girl packed a gun this whole time and it NEVER affects the Plot.  Racist White Guy becomes Stoner Guy...even though there's no way he snuck those Drugs up.  A bear can decapitate you with a single swing.  Bears don't smell and can sneak up on people.  Here's a random fact for you: Whitney Cummings plays a News Reporter at the End.  I hope that helps. Grizzly Park is very predictable, mostly-annoying and just plain 'meh.'  It does feature some less-than-convincing prosthetics though...
Up next, more randomness from the same Disc.  Three more to go- joy!  Stay tuned...

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

New Flix: The Dooms Chapel Horror (2016)

What happens when a Sub-Genre I don't care for meets an Actor I like in a Plot that sounds interesting?  Let's see...
In some fairly-convincing Home Movies, we meet a nice young man who is nice and happy...before he's chopped up by a wheat thresher.

Thanks alot, Industrial Age!
In the Present, the younger Brother (who shot all of that) calls a Documentarian to cover his return home.

Gee, this always works out great!
The return brings up alot of bad memories, but he's determined to do it.

As for the Documentarian, he's determined to get a bad Film, since he came alone.  That means no Sound Guy, no Sound Equipment, no help with the Lighting...
His visit is marked by deaths, including those who were trying to beat him up the night before...
The key to this whole thing: a Cult Leader...played by Bill Oberst Jr.  He's definitely evil!
With our Hero's past coming back to haunt him (and kill the Town), will anyone survive?  To find out, watch the Film.
Considering how it started, I was expecting much worse.  Dooms Chapel has one big thing against it: the Found Footage aspect.  It doesn't add anything.  More often than not, it is ignored or downplayed.  For example, one Scene of our Hero and his Girlfriend having an argument is not enhanced by it being shot 'in secret' by the Documentary Filmmaker.  At other points, I'm not clearing who is even supposed to be shooting it.  I should also note that, yet again, there is no explanation for how this Footage was made available, let alone Edited.  Come on, people!  There is also the usual bits where they mix in outside Cameras- like Deer Cam or Security Cameras- that don't add a whole lot.  They also get a bit into the 'Oh, it just happened off-camera' stuff.  That said, the actual Story is kind of interesting and the Acting really saves the day.  If you can get past the silly conceit they attached here, there's a good Story and performances to see.  Bill Oberst Jr nails his role as the Backwoods Cult Leader/Preacher.  Considering how nice he seems to be in real life, it is amazing how well he does with this material.  The Dooms Chapel Horror is a far better Film than I expected...even if they do rip off that shot from Cannibal Holocaust...
Pretty good stuff if you can get past the pointless Found Footage aspect.  Natural Acting saves it.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Quick Reviews: Sick Girl (Masters of Horror)

Now that I've worked through most of the Directors that I know and love, I might as well do one that I'm not familiar with: Lucky McGee.
In this Episode/Movie, an unlikely couple get together...but get the strangest third wheel ever!
In Brazil (one last Olympics tie-in!), a mysterious man kidnaps a POV bug.
In America, this Entomologist (Angela Bettis) has a thing for a mysterious lady (Misty Mundae), but both are shy.

Good to know that the Star of The Lord of the G-Strings was available!
The bug is delivered to our Heroine and seems to be different from anything she's ever seen.
Naturally, it escapes captivity right away.  Thank God the vents open when a 1/10th of a pound bug bumps into them one time!
The bug proceeds to kill a dog (no Poor Bastard this time) and slowly mutate Misty here into, well, probably still someone's fetish.
After teasing that Jerky Best Friend will be the savior, our Heroine is also turned into a bug-creature and the pair live happily ever after...until they give birth to thousands of bugs.  The End.
Weird, but kind of compelling stuff.  Sick Girl is, to my knowledge, my first taste of Lucky McGee.  Given what happens in this Movie, that probably sounds bad.  The premise- that some super bug can mind-control people- is certainly bizarre.  Having said that, I mostly enjoyed this one.  I didn't expect to care much about the Characters, but I kind felt for them.  Even with all of that happens later, they are kind of a cute couple.  They're both so awkward and strange that it works.  Kudos to Bettis especially for making the most of this Character.  I was less into Mundae, as her playing up the Character change (due to the bug) wasn't as dramatic as I'd like.  She's not bad, but she doesn't do as well as Bettis.  You don't get to see the bug much, but it sure is freaky when you do.  Like always, Greg(ory) Nicotero worked on it, so the Make-Up is top notch.  All in all, I liked the people in it, it was pretty well-Directed and the bizarre Story worked pretty well.  It makes me wonder if I should check out more of McGee's works.  I'll leave you with some weird Animation...
More fun than I thought it would be.  It is more weird and bizarre than scary, so just bear that in mind.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Piranha 3-D

While going for a different Topic, I found a perfect induction...

In Piranha 3D, a bunch of horny teenagers/young adults are on Spring Break with a Girls Gone Wild analog.

One of them goes parasailing...
Not yet knowing the threat they face, the drunk guys leave her sitting in the water.  Here they come...
It takes her screaming in pain and horror while surrounded by blood for them to finally pull her up.
...and it is too late.
The moral here: don't be a Porn Star in a Horror Film.

Really- does it ever end well for them?!?