Could you tell that I was putting this off? Well, I was.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the 2003 Remake of the 1974 Classic from Tobe Hooper. They gave him a token Co-Producer Credit, so that's something.
The new Writer- Scott Kosar- got a weird trend going in his Career. After this did well, he ended up writing more Remakes in a short amount of time- The Amityville Horror and The Crazies. He also wrote for Bates Motel, which is not a Remake of that infamous Pilot though.
The new Director- Marcus Nispel- would also go on to Direct a couple of Remakes- Conan and Friday the 13th.
It had been 30 years and the original didn't exactly cost millions of dollars then.
So, can you pour enough money into this to make it better?
If Twitter is any indication, I'm going with 'no.'
To find out, read on...
It also introduces a new Element- Found Footage.
We get a tease of 2 Cops investigating the House long after the events of the Film before the Title appears.
Does reminding me of The Poughkeepsie Tapes get this Film off to a good start? No.
Anyhow, we meet a bunch of young, good-looking people driving through Texas from Mexico.
What they picked up there is a Plot Point.
They almost hit a Hitchhiker and pick her up.
She acts all strange and they tell her that they'll take her home.
She freaks out, draws a gun and shoots herself in the head.
Enjoy the middle part of this one neat, if gratuitous tracking shot out of the Van.
It's the best part of the Film.
They try to call the Police, but the locals aren't much help.
It's the best part of the Film.
The group is split about what to do. Some want to just leave the body and go, while the others want to stay.
The fact that they had some pot with them is an issue as well.
This wouldn't be an issue in The Colorado Chainsaw Massacre, of course.
This part of the Film, by the way, feels very drawn out.
Our Final Girl- Jessica Biel- and her boyfriend go to this weird guy's House to call the Sheriff.
Meanwhile, he just kind of shows up at the Van and acts like a dick to the others.
To be fair, was R. Lee Ermey ever cast to play, I don't know, a Friendly Guidance Counselor?
Since, I guess, he's bored, the Boyfriend wanders around the House.
To be fair, was R. Lee Ermey ever cast to play, I don't know, a Friendly Guidance Counselor?
He's somehow snuck up on by a 400-lb man in a creaky house with a hammer and dies.
We later get extra pathos when Leatherface finds a ring he was carrying.
That's nice and cruel- thanks, Movie.
Did you want an Origin for Leatherface?
Well, you get one!
He had some sort of disease and his nose eventually rotted off. That's why it's okay that he murders people and skins them?
Skipping ahead, the Cast is whittled down to just Biel and the nerdy guy Morgan.
The Sheriff beats him up- because cruelty- and she ends up with the family.
There's oddly NO Dinner Scene in this one- this is the closest you get.
In a prolonged bit, she rescues Morgan, they hide and then Leatherface kills him.
She cuts off the baddy's arm and runs over the Sheriff, escaping Town with the baby that the Family stole from the Hitchhiker.
The End.
Oh wait- not really.
We need to wrap up the Intro too.
The Cops go down to the Basement and get killed by Leatherface, even giving us the Cannibal Holocaust shot (below).
Somehow, the Family escaped...to never return, since there's no Sequel to this one somehow.
The *real* end.
A Film that does many things right, but so many things wrong.
I'm going to feel like I'm repeating myself after covering The Hills Have Eyes Remake. Both Films are interesting because they are Horror set in the daytime and in real places. That is in contrast to, for instance, the dark Cabin in the Woods or the creaky old Castle.
This one has ONE Scene like that- the Chase out of the House.
The rest of the Film's big scares happen in the dark Basement, at night OR at night in the rain.
Face meet palm.
Putting that aside, it has good looking people in danger and Ermey is great here, even if his role is barely even two-dimensional. Hate the game, not the player.
The Film is also very front-loaded, with it taking a good 45 minutes to get to 'the good stuff.' I'm curious how Audiences reacted to this, as I was not part of them in 2003.
On top of all that, the Film is a weird mix of looking too sleek (as it was shot with 2003 tricks) and too grimey. Jessica Biel is hot- I'll grant you- but you could always just read FHM at this time to get your fix.
Take us away, accidental bit of Comedy in the Cold Open.
Next up, the 2006 Prequel. I really went back and forth about whether or not to do it first. Oh joy.
No comments:
Post a Comment