Because I Watched It: A Double-Dose of Alfonso Brescia (plus Goblin)

Alfonso Brescia is a name unknown to people who only watch good movies.  If, however, you've ever watched a Mill Creek Sci-Fi Collection before, you'll know his works like Cosmos: War of the Planets, War of the Robots and Star Odyssey.

Thanks to YouTube, I bring you the original opening to Battle of the Stars, the rarest one in the bunch.  It's music is...enchanting.

Now here's the funny part: Cosmos- War of the Planets was shot in conjunction with that film.  It has the same cast, the same sets and even the same introductory song...

The funny part is that neither U.S. release has these songs on them (to my knowledge).  They just have generic 'space music' on them.

As a palette cleanser, I offer you the full version of Goblin's theme song for Suspiria.  It's still damn good- even after thirty plus years!

Got any crazy videos that need to be shared?  Just want to lash out at me for this horrible music?  Either way, leave a comment.  It's good for the soul.

Instant Forgotten Sequels: The Bad News Bears Go To Japan

Can I just say 'UGH!' and move on with my life.  My inner voices are telling me 'no,' so I guess that I have to elaborate.  This is the third film in the original Bad News Bears trilogy (provided that you don't count the TV show- but why would you).  This one was so bad that they never bothered to make a new entry in the franchise for over 25 years!  If you don't know the tale, I'll give you the basic rundown.  In the first film, a lovable drunk (Walter Matthau) molded a bunch of foul-mouthed kids into a team...but they still lost.  It's kind of like Rocky actually- must be a '70s thing.  In the second film, they lose their Coach, but gain a new one in the father of one of the players.  It was apparently about them playing another team for the right to challenge the famous Japanese World Champions- bear that in mind for later.  In this film, they get their wish- kind of- and get yet another new coach.  Yes, despite their second Coach being the father of one of the kids, he's nowhere to be seen nor is his absence addressed.  Real nice.  The late Tony Curtis is here as the new Coach, so that's certain to be polarizing for a lot of people.  To find out why this film is relegated to the waste dump of sequels, read on...

The introductory scene explains that the challengers to the Japanese team turned down the offer.  That leads our team to challenge them instead.

Yes, we're starting off with a plot-hole right from the beginning.  Joy.

Meanwhile, a sleazy and out-of-work Producer (Curtis) is looking for a way in.  Seeing the crass team, he sees his opportunity.  Time to lie your ass off!

I should mention that Jackie Earl Haley is back for this film and is the only other actor to receive above-the-title-billing here.  In spite of that, he pretty much just appears in group shots and his own sub-plot.  Double joy.

As a bonus, his sub-plot is that he stalks this one Japanese girl because...some reason and this makes her like him.  No, really.

We do get to see legendary Wrestler Antonio Inoki beat the shit out of Tony Curtis('s stunt double).  That has to count for something, right?

The middle chunk of this movie is pretty much just made up of scenes showing how Japan/Japanese people are weird compared to us.  To that end, here's a random Japanese video...

Let's wrap this up, shall we?  We get only the second baseball playing footage of the movie...for the final game.  This is a Baseball movie, right?

The game gets called due to a big fight and the network is mad.

Curtis, however, is happy to see the two teams playing each other in private and breaks the deal.  Oh and Stalker Jackie gets the girl.  The End.

So what is the opposite of Comedy again?  Whatever it is, it defines this movie!  Don't get me too wrong now- I see where the comic potential is.  You have the (still) misfit Sports Team combined with the Hustler with a Heart of Gold character and the Fish Out of Water story.  Even as jumbled as it is, there's no reason that this movie should fail.  It does though.  The biggest problem is that nobody gets along and nearly every character is turned into a Stock one.  There's a scene where Curtis lists his team, mentioning that he has a Jew, a Mexican, etc.  The sad thing- that's all the character that most of them get.  The only two players- save for Jackie's Kelly- with anything to do here are Mustafa (who hates the Coach) and his brother (who follows the Coach around).  Instead, the show turns into being all about Curtis 'playing the game.'  Is Jerk Promoter anywhere in the title The Bad News Bears Go To Japan?  No.  As far as Jackie Earl Haley's part goes, it's...weird.  He's starting to look a little creepy, a fact that's not aided by his behavior.  Seriously, he just follows this girl to her Geisha training, to the Subway and all of the way home.  This makes her...like him- right.  Amusingly enough, it does make me picture a teenage Bill Oberst Jr. (friend of the site) in a love story like this- it wouldn't be any stranger!  Here's the bottom line: this movie is just awkward and almost never funny.  Instead, here's my bad attempt at Photoshop...

Next up, the sequel to a feminist blaxploitation film.  I'll give you a quarter if you've heard of this movie.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: From Dusk 'Till Dawn 3- The Hangman's Daughter

Are you ready for more Poor Bastards?  If not, then you're the Poor Bastards this time!

In From Dusk 'Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter, an Outlaw escapes from his attempted execution.  As he flees, the Executioner (not the former WWF Wrestler) begins to fire shots at him.

This results in not one...

Not two...

...but three random people (or horses) being shot by the guy.  Where did you learn to aim?

As a bonus, the Outlaw has to vault over the topple horse during his escape.  It's rare that someone turns an actual Horse into a Pommel Horse!

Next up, a random victim exists only to die.  Even for a horror film (a Full Moon one, no less), this just seems petty.  Stay tuned...

Instant Forgotten Sequels: From Dusk 'Till Dawn 3- The Hangman's Daughter

You remind me way too much of Ginger Snaps: The Beginning.  No, that is obviously not a compliment.  Today's film is the third From Dusk 'Till Dawn movie.   As you may have inferred, it's a Prequel.  Before I go too far, I have to ask- what is up with that?!?  It's not the most common trend in Cinema, but it happens more than you might think.  Ginger Snaps 3- Prequel.  Paranormal Activity 3- Prequel.  At least the Tremors Prequel was the fourth film, but, to be fair, the third film was really an extension leading into the TV show, so you could argue the case still.  Regardless, it's weird.  Let's see if Laid to Rest 3 or Hatchet 3 (UPDATE: It happened, but wasn't) will be a Prequel, I guess.  Back to this film...if I have to.  Released the same year as Part 2, this film is designed to set up the Original film, so it is a bit of a rehash.  I'll get into that in a bit more detail in the actual review.  Danny Trejo is back, making him the only link between all three films- joy.  Fun fact: Danny doesn't have his mustache here, implying that he shaved it off for a better film in between these two.  I won't waste any more space in this introduction and just dive right into the film...

Famous Writer Ambrose Bierce is the hero of this tale, a man trying to get to Pancho Villa.

However, fate intervenes and a famous Outlaw escapes his execution and flees with the titular daughter.

So, basically, this film is about Ambrose traveling with two Christians in Plot A.  Plot B features the Outlaw, the Daughter and his posse.  Plot C (which is practically non-existent) features the Hangman leading others to find them.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

Instead of getting to the point, this movie drags its feet by having a bunch of gang interaction and our anti-hero leaving a young girl to hang.  Nice.

Ambrose and company make it to a bar and find Danny Trejo.  Praise Jeebus- you make this movie good again!

Everyone else converges on the Bar, leading to this movie having a point.  It's also here that you realize a key problem: this is practically a Remake.

Think about it: you have a Pastor/Priest, a young girl, some outlaws and other assorted n'er do wells trapped in a bar full of Vampires.  How creative.

The Vampire action is a good break from all the shooting and fighting, but it's still the usual fare for this series.

Blah blah blah Plot Twist blah blah blah They escape.  Oh and...

Famous Writer Ambrose Beirce is now a Vampire.  Take that, Bloodrayne 2!  The End.

Vampire Film continue to find different ways to suck.  Some of them are amateurish and stupid (Die Hard Dracula), some are ridiculous (Dracula Rising) while others are just not funny (Dracula Blows His Cool).  There's even a special place in my heart for all of those Vampire Sequels that ruin everything (Dracula II/III, Bloodrayne III, etc).  So what's the problem with this film?  To answer that, I say this- it's easier to say what the film didn't do right.  The acting- not good.  The plot- not good.  The effects- pretty damn silly.  The whole thing is a bottom heavy film.  That works for ladies- who doesn't love a Fat Bottomed Girl?- but not for films.  You have to wait AN HOUR for everyone to get to the bar.  They spend the previous sixty minutes setting up a dozen characters who get wiped out pretty quickly once the action begins.  About fifty minutes, they randomly introduce Orlando Jones (of Seconds Apart fame) as a guy in the bar.  His role- to get turned, dance with our heroine and then die.  Glad you spent that time wisely, guys!  The bottom line- it's hard to care about any of these characters.  Even a slew of Third Act Plot Twists- including the titular Daughter being Salma Hayek's character from the first one- add nothing to this dull mess.  If you want a great summary of how random this film is, consider this sequence.  A Vampire attacks the Hangman, who proceeds to wrap his whip around the thing's head and twists it, causing it to get cut off.  Seconds later, a giant snaked head pops out, taunts the guy and is immediately blown off with one shot.  That happens.

Next up, I change gears to cover the most infamous film in a '70s trilogy.  Will a change of locale help the Bears or kill them?  Stay tuned...

Instant Forgotten Sequels: From Dusk 'Till Dawn 2- Texas Blood Money

Are you ready for...nothing related to anything?  So what is this movie about?  Is it about returning characters from the previous film?  No.  Is it about someone rebuilding the famous Vampire Night Club from the first film?  No.  How is this a sequel to From Dusk 'Till Dawn then?  Well, Danny Trejo is in a small part and there are Vampires, so...that's about it.  Apparently Tarantino and Rodriguez signed on for this one, although their contribution is saying 'Go ahead' and getting their cut.  I doubt that either of them even visited the set, unless Danny invited them.  So what is this non-sequel about?  Well, it's a mix of a Bank Robbery film and a Vampire Film.  That's about as odd as combining a WWII Film and an Elvis Film (see Top Secret!).  That's not to say that it's a terrible film, but...it has some problems.  To find out more, read on...

In a pointless opening scene, Tiffany Amber-Thiessen and Bruce Campbell appear as Lawyers killed by vampires.  This, however, is a film-within-a-film, so it's completely pointless.  Moving on...

 Robert Patrick is a Criminal who reforms his gang to do a Bank Job in Mexico.  Yes, in Mexico, despite the subtitle being Texas Blood Money.

Yes, it is a small point, but it's still really stupid.  I can't get over it- sorry.

Danny Trejo is here as a Bartender, but not as the same guy.  You know, the guy that died in the first film.

He is, however, still a Vampire and turns the co-Leader of the gang.  Bye, Danny Trejo!

Does it bug me that these Vampires look like Buffy rejects?  Somewhat.  I know they looked kind of like this in the other film...but I guess I was just ignoring it then.  This time- not so much.

As the gang starts to rob the bank (in Mexico!), they are slowly turned into Vampires.  It comes down to just Robert Patrick and his dopey friend.  Work together, guys!

Never mind.  Looks like its a battle for the ages.  Are you ready?

In the only good part of the film, we get a nearly 20-minute action scene involving Cops fighting the four Vampires, who ignore bullets the way that Mitt Romney ignores 47% of America.

Ha ha ha- topical and random.

After some silly gun physics, silly fight physics and the world's longest Solar Eclipse (set up for two seconds early on), the Vampires die, our heroes name-drop a better Vampire film (The Fearless Vampire Killers) and the T-1000 goes off to...somewhere.  The End.

Given this crap, is it any wonder why I take forever to write these?  In all seriousness, the movie is not terrible.  It's not, you know, good though either.  The good parts- practical effects, real Vampire action (at the end) and a decent (if silly) climax.  The bad- just about everything else.  The story is stupid, the Acting is all over the map and the effects are mostly-silly.  I like the prosthesis work...to an extent.  Their CG effects are really dated and many of the effects are shot like Army of Darkness.  Let me clarify that comment so that it doesn't sound like a compliment.  Army of Darkness was made in 1991 and this film was made in 1999- it should look better.  The worst part, to be honest, is the hokey camera angles used.  The film is full of weird camera choices like filming from the bottom of a glass, filming between the loops of a rotary phone & moving the camera up and down to match the movements of one guy doing push-ups.  Much like the picture-in-picture silliness from Dragon Fighter, it just adds nothing.  It's a big distraction for an already silly movie.  The film is kind of a weird one to recommend.  It's a goofy movie with some good action (at the end), but is otherwise bad.  If that doesn't do it for, this double-whammy of Goofs should make up your mind...

Next up, the other Dawn sequel.  Will it be even less related...or a Prequel-Remake?  Stay tuned...

Because I Watched It: My YouTube Family

I'm sure that some of you are wondering 'what gives him the right to be so judgmental towards films and actors?'  Well, the answer is simple: it's in my blood.

Take, for example, my younger cousin Jeffrey.  He lives in L.A. and makes web comedy videos.  He's only made a few, but he's already funnier than Andy Samberg!

As a bonus, a second short.  Short, simple and awesome.

However, if you want to see where my family's movie roots really lie, you have to go a little further back...to 1995- The Ice Cream Man.

That blonde 'nympho' character- that's my Aunt.  Yeah, we're a proud family.

Can you say that you have a relative that was killed by Clint Howard?  I didn't think so!

Renny Harlin Week: Exorcist- The Beginning

It's not the Beginning- it's the end.  

Today's film is Exorcist: The Beginning- the third attempt to get this film made.  

First, John Frankenheimer dropped out...and then died.  It's un-related to the film, but also a bit creepy.  It's kind of like how the guy who played the Doctor in Ed Wood's Jail Bait died the day after shooting- weird.  

After that, they hired Paul Schrader, who Produced 'a psychological thriller' and not the 'bloody' film that the studio wanted.  They let him film the movie...and then decided that they didn't like it.  

Well, if you're already $30 million in the hole with no film (that you like), why not just hire Renny Harlin and give him another $50 million?  Seemed like a fool-proof plan- apparently.  

Well, the film they finally released was a Critical failure, but made back its budget.  Oh wait- it made back the budget of Harlin's film, not the total budget.  

In hindsight, maybe you should have just made one movie and stuck with it.  This film supposedly tells the origin of Pazuzu and how it first battled the famous Priest from the 1973 Classic.  

The result- a movie that's kind of hard to explain.  

Here to explain it is...well, me.  To see if I'm up to the task, read on...

Sometime a long time ago, a Priest- who looks like Director Renny Harlin, but isn't- walks through a field full of dead bodies.  This is supposed to set something up...but there's not a whole lot of pay-off in the end.

In the present (of the 1940s), our Priest is hired from Stock Arabian Town #4 to find an artifact.  Since he has no faith, he might as well have money to buy booze, I guess!

Say hello to Ben Cross in one of his two scenes.  Hi and Bye, Ben!

They dig up a Church that appears to be Catholic, but there's no record of it.  Throw in the upset natives and you have a sticky situation.

What seems wrong in this situation to you?

Here's a fun game: take a shot every time that random noises or expressions make the Father flash back to when he worked in Germany.  

This framing device is not silly or anything!

Maybe the Father can go to an expert for advice on the matter.  

What can you tell him, former Priest?

...um, I'll get back to you.  These lovely Kenyans are going to do an Exorcism (the only real one in the movie).  

It will work well, provided that an evil spirit doesn't start breaking their limbs.

The Demon in the Church- which was apparently built to sanctify unholy ground- starts doing shit, including killing one guy with STD face and making the British Commander commit suicide.  

How can we make this all tie together?

Oh naturally, the film's only white woman gets possessed by Pazuzu and attacks the Priest.  

So does the demon have his own DNA, thus making the two look similar or is this just lazy writing?

Regardless, the Priest exercises the spirit- for the time being- and ends by returning to the Vatican.  

Now it all makes sense.  The End.

I hope it was worth the extra $50 million.  Never mind the fact that the Studio spent nearly the same amount of money as George W. Bush gave to AIDS Research during his Presidency on making this hokey film.  

I'm not going to say that it's terrible- I'd have to get in line.  

My biggest problem was just the way that it flowed- awkwardly.  It kind of meanders a bit towards the finish line, suddenly trying to sprint in the final minutes like a really bad Track Star.  

It doesn't help that much of the film is centered around the Father investigating the background of the dig site, as opposed to, you know, the dig site.  Focus on what's in front of you.  

On top of that, this slow pacing is dragged even further down with a pseudo-romance sub-plot with the Father and his random WWII flashbacks.  His memories are rough too, almost worse than anything that actually happens in the film's current plot.  

As far as that current plot goes, it's nothing special.  After an hour, he confronts the Priest sent with him and says, 'I know the truth.'  The Priest rebukes him at first, but then immediately buckles and says that everything he stated was accurate.  

You'd make a terrible witness- I'm just saying.  

In summary, the movie has its moments, but takes too long to get there.  Even so, I have to give them credit for this 'nod' to Return of the Living Dead and the re-animated butterflies...

Next up, a week of Forgotten Sequels available without discs.  First up, the vampire sequel that nobody requested...ever.  Stay tuned...

Renny Harlin Week: Cutthroat Island

This is the story of Captain...Morgan.  No, not that one. Today's film is Cutthroat Island aka How to Lose Millions of Dollars by Misreading the Market.  Nine times out of ten, people don't care about Pirate movies. Isn't that right, most Pirate movies from the last 30 years?  Granted- those four made a ton of money...but those also hadn't been made yet.  This was made by CarolCo Pictures, a company that Harlin claimed was already going under when they green-lit the production.  Yeah, that covers your ass for killing the studio, Renny!  In all seriousness, the film cost about $100 million according to Wikipedia, which may or may not include the Marketing Budget.  Fun Fact: there's also a video game tie-in.  It's a shame that they don't have a Character Creation System or I could try to make Bob review it.  So what is Cutthroat Island about?  Pirates looking for treasure/revenge.  In short- nothing special.  What's interesting/bad is that there are about 7 plots going on here, most of which careen into each other as the film reaches its climax.  It's actually interesting foreshadowing for the big old mess that was the third PotC film, actually.  To find out how you lose $80 million in one go, read on...

The film kind of skips the opening you'd expect.  It's kind of an odd omission right off of the bat too.

We meet our heroine going to her father's ship, but she arrives too late to save him from his evil brother.  Oh no, I...totally know and care who these characters are.

 If you want a simple summary for the first half of the movie, it would be this: long set-piece action scenes and...

...lots of explosions.  You can just see the rent checks for CarolCo burn away in this shot too.

Yea!  More explosions!  Can't get enough of those- right, Michael Bay?

Here's the 'basic' rundown: Morgan (Davis) has one piece of the map and wants the treasure.  Dog (Frank Langella) has one piece of the map and wants the treasure.  Some dude in the British Navy wants the treasure and turns one of Morgan's men.  Shaw (Matthew Modine) is playing for one side: his own.

Get it?  Got it?  Good.

Eventually, all of the parties make it to the titular Island.  Shaw and Morgan work together again, but things go against them (naturally).

The British Navy and the bad Pirates (who team up with a rebel contingent of Morgan's crew as well) team up to share the loot.  How will our heroes win the day?

Oh gee- it's nice of you to have a ship battle.  It's only been 90 minutes, movie!  Wanna guess how it ends?

 Big explosion- naturally!  Our heroes win the day, get the treasure and go off to new adventures...that will never see the light of day.  The End.

Explosions!  The movie is not bad- let me get that out of the way.  The problem is that it doesn't really have much of an identity.  The only real 'gimmick' is having a lady Pirate.  I go back to this one a lot, but Roger Corman's Gunslinger did a lady in a Western lead.  It's still not a good film.  In the same vein, this movie isn't really better b/c Geena Davis is the star.  They get points for doing it- don't get me wrong- but I'm not going to like/dislike the movie any more/less for doing this.  The film is just too complex for its own good.  At least half of the characters have their own side motivations constantly in play.  If you want to make a 'popcorn flick,' you can't do that.  You can excuse some of that in the later Pirates movies, if only b/c they were sequels building off of the previous films.  With tighter Writing, better Pacing and maybe a bit less over-done action, this could have been a hit.  I still can't imagine that it would have grossed $100 million though.  Isn't that right, First Officer Jamie Hyneman...

Next up, a film that was shot without Harlin, but then shot...again by him.  Can a third choice Director do any wrong?  Stay tuned..