Fairly Tales: Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

 Have you ever bought a used Trade Paperback and gotten a Movie?  I have.

My copy of a Wonder Woman Trade Paperback (found in a Thrift Store, mind you) had a copy of the Animated Wonder Woman Film AND a digital copy of today's Film.

This is Snow White and the Huntsman, a 2012 Film that attempted to mix two things together- Snow White and Game of Thrones.

2011's HBO Series changed TV forever and also affected Movies.  Someone might say 'This Film was in development for XX months' or something, but do the Math here.

Is it just a coincidence that this dark, grim and violent version of Snow White was made in the wake of that Series?  Really now?!?

The Film was mired in controversy for what happened between the Star and the Director, but was it a good Film?
I'd say that it was good enough to get a Sequel, but I just watched the 258th Children of the Corn Film, so...that's not a standard.

To see how it turned out (and certainly not to milk those Disney hate clicks), read on...

It is a Tale as old as, well, around 1812.

A happy King and Queen have a Daughter.
The Queen dies.

The King finds a new Queen...but she turns out to be evil and kills him.

In this King's defense, it is Charlize Theron.

The Queen in this one has more overt magical powers, summoning a glass army to be defeated and be 'rescued' from.

After she kills the King, her real Army arrives and kills most of the people.

She keeps Snow White alive because 'royal blood is always useful.'

Of course, as you know, White grows up to be Kristen Stewart.
This is 2012, so people didn't realize that she could act when NOT in Twilight Films.

The Queen consults her MAGIC Mirror, which appears twice in the form of a person bathed in golden robes.

This adds nothing, but thanks...I guess.

She's told to consume Snow White's heart, as she is the only one who can stop her!

She escapes, so the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) is hired to find her.

He betrays the Queen, of course, and the two flee.

Confusingly, they go into the Dark Woods which don't actually have creatures in it (just hallucinations that you experience).

In the next Scene, a Troll is there, so...huh?!?

The duo face trouble along the way, with the Queen's Brother (and possibly more!) pursuing her.

There's also a Love Interest Guy (whose name is so unimportant that I can't be bothered to look it up) who is following them too.

They fun across some Bandits, who turn out to be the Eight Dwarfs.

Wait- Eight?  Oh....ohhhh...gotcha.

They are played by respected UK Actors like Ian McShane, Toby Jones, Ray Winstone and Bob Hoskins (in his final role!) with their heads digitally placed onto a little person's body.

It is...an effect.

Can they stop the Evil Queen?

Can Snow White unite her people?

Can Hemsworth get his 'sort of a Glaswegian thing' accent to stick?

To find out, rent/buy/stream it now.

A Film that is actually pretty good, even if the tone is a bit odd.

Simply put, this was an attempt to make a dark, dramatic and very violent retelling of this story.

In that sense, it worked.

That said, the Book has her killed in a much more malicious manner than any Film I'm aware of.  Is that actually too dark for us?!?

I will give the Film lots of credit for getting good Actors- like Theron, Stewart and Hemsworth- for the big parts.  They do well here.

The Film also gives the Evil Queen- aka Ravenna- some backstory to make you care for her.  She's evil, but you can see why she got put down that path.  You almost feel sorry for her...until she soul drains another dozen young girls.

Is this one better than Mirror Mirror?  Yes, quite a bit.

Is this one great?  No, but it comes pretty close.

It does lots of good things with the story, lots of garish things and lots of odd ones too.

Since it is the right time, let's play a game.

Hey Internet, Disney is Remaking another Animated Film into Live-Action.
How do you feel?

Next up, let's put a break between this one and the Sequel (which I also have digitally).  Instead, let's jump back a few years to an earlier attempt at this same kind of concept.  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: V/H/S (2012)

 I've come around on the recent Films on Shudder.

How does the original stand up?
Let's find out...

In the Framing Device (or Sleeve), a bunch of a-holes who commit minor crimes and sell the footage get a job offer.

They break into some guy's house to get a tape, find a dead body and tapes start to play, filling up the sections.

In 'Amateur Night,' a trio of guys film themselves getting wasted and pick up ladies.

A strange one comes with them and it doesn't end well.

For some reason, this one got a feature Adaptation in 2016.

In 'Second Honeymoon,' a Couple goes on, well, you can guess.

They don't let a stranger get a ride, but then someone films them in their sleep.

It is a Ti West Short, so...nothing good happens.

In 'Tuesday the 17th,' a group of young people go out into the Woods on a trip.

The lead Girl is creepy and vague.

Things go poorly.

In 'The Sick Thing that Happened to Emily When She Was Younger,' a man talks to his Girlfriend over the Internet and she's hearing things.

What is the strange secret about what is going on?

Finally, in '10/31/98,' a group of guys go to a Halloween Party.

They clearly don't go to the right place.

Will they be a group of rescuers or villains?

To see how the whole thing goes, stream it now.

A good idea that is not even the best execution in this Series alone.

Simply put, this one is too long.  I think the Framing Device is fine, if a bit hectic at the beginning.
Could you have told me in 2012 that the guy who Directed this part would go on to make TWO GODZILLA FILMS?!?

The first Segment is full of terrible people, but with a good hook to it.  
I think it is worth the time, but just barely.

The second Segment was kind of disappointing.  In hindsight, it feels like a Ti West Film in tone...but I'm not a fan of this one.

The third Segment is a good one, not making you wait too long for a tease.  The payoff is nice and this would honestly be the one I'd see as a Feature.

The fourth Segment is a bit different and I like it.  I don't know how it ended up on a VHS Tape...but whatever.

The final Segment is alright, but this one doesn't exactly answer any questions.  It also has an Alternate Ending to see online.

All in all, the sum of its parts is actually worse than the Segments.  It is a decent first attempt, but the other VHS Films are better.

Well, maybe not Viral- I hear that sucks.

Now who needs a good pick-up line?

A Film that takes too long to get to the good stuff.  That said, the Premise works and we wouldn't have the Sequel without this one.

Tubi Thursday: Dracula Reborn (2012)

 Lazy Titles for the win!  Dracula is in focus for a bit in this Segment, so enjoy.

First up, the less recent of 2 Films to use the Title of...

This is a 'modern retelling' of the Dracula tale.  So let's see how beat for beat it goes.

Harker is a Real Estate Agent who sells land to Mr. Sarkany.

...and he's Dracula.  

In some 'modern improvements,' a gang of East L.A. Thugs threaten him and later show up for blood, but lose theirs instead.

They are all credited as 'Vato's (Bandana Vato, Lead Vato, etc).  Oy!

All seems well, even though Harker notices a painting that (according to him) looks like his Wife.
It doesn't.

The papers are delivered...and then this guy pops up to tell him how Dracula killed his girlfriend- Lucy.

Lucy is just this random lady in this version, it seems.

Dracula makes his move on Mina by way the simple plan of...

1) Getting them to visit

2) Causing their car to stall nearby and their phones to fail

3) Letting them 'get together' and sleep outside

4) Biting her in her sleep and then beginning to properly turn her.

Meanwhile, Mina gets sick, Dracula mind-controls some Cops and this random lady is dead.

Just...enjoy these effects.

As Mina gets worse, Dr. Seward- a LADY Doctor?!?- leads Harker to Van Helsing.  It's only an hour into this 88-minute Film!

Can they save the day?
Well, no SPOILERs, so just watch it.

It is a decent Film that has one big problem- the Budget.

The Film looks and feels really cheap at times.  The use of Green/Blue Screens is very apparent.  They do this too much, even at times when it is not clear why they even need it.  Also big moments- like the previously seen body in the trunk- look terrible.

Otherwise, the Film is alright.  The Acting is good, but not great.  The Plot is fine.

I will say that the Pacing is pretty glacial here.  It is a shame when a Dracula Film struggles to keep me awake.

The idea of updating the Film is fine.  You just need to do more with it than randomly change Characters like Lucy and you really need to feel fresh.  Sadly, this is just alright.

On the flip side, the Painting is...I mean, that's nothing close to Mina, right?

A decent attempt at a familiar tale.  Sadly, it is too familiar and done far too cheaply.

Tubi Thursday: Escape to Black Tree Forest (2012)

 The Sequel has to be better, right? 
He's had more experience and knows what he's doing now, right?
Right?!?

The Film opens by showing what we clearly didn't see last time- our Final Girl stabbing the killer.

Is he dead now?
Are they ever?

2 weeks (and three minutes of boring Credits) later, she's brought home from an Asylum...apparently.

She's fine, right?

No, another Strode- seriously, they use that name- goes crazy.

Not Jamie/Laurie stabs her Mom and leaves.

Her Dad, eventually, goes after her.

She decides to dress up like the killer she just killed (since she must kill again) and wander around in the Woods.

So what happens after 20 minutes of setup?

Nothing- for nearly 40 minutes!

Instead, let's follow a new group of dead bodies...I mean, people going shopping, going swimming and- eventually- going to the titular Forest.

Do you want to just make Nature Documentaries?

Lots of filler as we see Dad driving, a random Cop driving, an old guy called in to help...and immediately killed.

Wait- I thought she was in the Forest.

After we get the Intro of the last Film AGAIN as a 'story,' the group splits up and things finally happen.

Yawn.  The End.

Did he somehow make a worse Film?  In a way, yes.

All things considered, the first Film was just so generic, unimaginative and just plain there that I couldn't even be mad.  Like a passive aggressive parent, I was 'just disappointed.'

To be fair, Dustin Ferguson had only made SIX FILMS at this point.  Now- in 2012- he's made nine.

This one is worse because he clearly knows what he did wrong and just pivots entirely the wrong direction.  Spending so much time on filler is just not helpful to anyone.  I guess it pays off, but does anyone care after so much nothing happening.

Seriously, they don't even 'escape' to said Forest until nearly an hour into this *checks timer* 76-minute Film (I don't count End Credits, do you?)!  Pick up the pace, Movie- you're being passed by the fat kid in Gym!

If you make a boring Film once, it's bad.  If you do it a second time after you should know better, it's worse.  It makes you just want to, I don't know, lay down in a Field.

On the plus side, Black History Month via Tubi Thursday is done.  I can put off watching the third Film for some time.

4,200th Post Celebration!: The Top 19 Worst Films of Mondo Bizarro- 2009 to 2019!

This is the big one!

I went through my listings of the Worst Films of Previous Years to cherry pick the best of the worst.  So many bad Films to choose from!

I can't guarantee that every Year will be represented in the final List, but they definitely got some contenders.

Dishonorable Mentions:  Uli Lommel's Black Dahlia, We Are the Strange, Offspring,  Beware! Children At Play, The New York Centerfold Massacre, Pocahauntus AND Dating A Zombie

19. The Fat Spy: A Film so bad that I kept it at home just to keep it out of circulation.  I realize how little that helps, but I did it all the same.

It's an unfunny Comedy with bad Acting and it looks cheap.  Bad Comedies are usually the worst things in the World.  It's hard to imagine that Jane Mansfield did this, but somehow thought Hillbillys in a Haunted House was too bad.

18. The Skeleton Key 2- 667- Neighbor of the Beast: Will I ever go back to try and finish this?  It has to be a Worst of the Worst one, maybe.

I tried watching the Film, but it gave you no setup for its weird nonsense.  I remember a Genie.  Lots of POV Exposition.  It gets so pointlessly META while explaining nothing that I haven't touched it for 10 years!

For comparison, I have rewatched the #3 pick (to compare the Cuts) and the #2 pick (with Rifftrax).

17. Revenge of the Living Dead Girls: A knock off of something that wasn't actually that great- joy.

This is a faux Sequel to a French Horror Film.  That one involved a woman dying, but coming back when exposed to chemicals and killing people.  It inspired a Rob Zombie song.

This one has 3 ladies dying from drinking poisoned milk and killing people.  On the plus side, it does hold historical importance as MY first Project Terrible Review.

16. The Human Race: A terrible Film and a bad pun- almost worth it!

This bizarre Film has an interesting (in theory) premise- run a race or die!  It gets really dumb and morose with it, of course, ruining the whole thing.  That's even before giant Angels (or something) show up...maybe.

15. Roar: If the ranking was based on how bad it was to shoot the Film, this would be #1.

A wrong-headed, right-hearted man wanted to show you that we could live and interact with jungle cats.  As such, he made a Movie where his FAMILY was surrounded by these Apex Predators at all times.  Many people were wounded, his Stepdaughter needed plastic surgery and Jan De Bont (yes, the guy from Twister) was scalped.

It's not even a very good Film regardless of this.

14. The Twilight Series: Low hanging fruit.

On one hand, I could have made this just a Dishonorable Mention.  On the other hand, I watched all of the Films (out at the time) for Project Terrible and the other guy never did his Films.  As such, I suffered alone for no reason.

13. Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning: A Film so bad I also made Bob watch it.  I'm a good friend.

This is actually the 6th Film in a Series (which explains why the Plot is confusing), but the only one on DVD.  It is a Parody of Star Trek and Babylon 5.

The Effects are mostly bad, but the Plot and Characters are just irredeemable, so why bother watching?

12. Old Mother Riley Meets the Vampire: The combo of Bad Comedy and sad performance by Actor who could do better.

In 1952, Bela Lugosi went to London to play Dracula again.  The Play bombed and he was now 'stuck' in England.  To pay for his trip home, he agreed to be the bad guy in this Film, wherein he'd riff on Dracula and his role in The Phantom Creeps.

He's fine in this.  The Lead in Drag- clearly inspiring Tyler Perry- is awful and nothing else is good either.

11. Homoti: Project Terrible continues to live up to its name!

This is one of the many E.T. knockoffs, but also one of the worst.  It is the 2nd Turkish E.T Film to boot!  Its suit is terrible, its Plot is boring and it just kind of sucks.

Bonus- the YouTube upload only has Subtitles for the first 10 minutes.

10. Hobgoblins 2: The Sequel to a Film I'm paying to see in a Theater for the first time ever.

Whenever I get to see Rifftrax do Hobgoblins, it will be better than this.  The Writer/Director is back due to 'every other Gremlins rip-off getting Sequels,' so we all get to suffer.

It's mostly a confusing rehash with slight updates- online dating in place of phone sex lines- and even less humor.  On the plus side, I got to tell the Director on Facebook that I would willingly pay to get his Hobgoblins 3 Script and keep it from being made.  Good times.

9. Astro-Zombies M3 and M4: I at least had company to suffer through these.

Decades after the original Astro Zombies, the late Ted V. Mikels came back for Mark of the Astro-Zombies.  He got enough money/interest/moxie to make 2 more.

As Bob can attest, they are both confusing, sometimes boring messes of Films that call back to even more obscure stuff like The Doll Squad.

8. Live Freaky, Die Freaky: This was abusing Sharon Tate's legacy before it was cool!

This Dark Comedy is a claymation nightmare about the Sharon Tate/La Bianca Murders.  You're supposed to laugh at this?  They make Tate look awful here and I don't know why.  It's tasteless and just not funny.

7. Psycho Shark: I suffer for you (and my own stupidity).

I thought that this would be trashy fun.  The premise is that a bunch of Busty Models from Japan come up against a giant shark.  Dumb, stupid fun.

The Movie is just them chatting, watching footage and laying around until the last 5 minutes.  It is the longest 65 minutes of your life!

6. Mummy Maniac: A terrible tease and a terrible Film.

Another Project Terrible Film and this one manages to make you think it is going to be something else.  A killer mummy?!?  Nope- a boring, chubby guy who kills women in his storage locker over and over again...and wraps the bodies up in toilet paper.

My Review is the same shots over and over again...but they are from different parts in the Film!

5. Carl J. Sukenick's Alien Beasts: It is hardly a Movie, so it just barely escapes the upper spots.

If you wanted to see what would happen if someone with friends and alot of Meth tried to make a Spy Film, this is it.  It has long pauses, long still frames, constant cuts to an old man named Abe 'watching the monitors' and more nonsense.

The drunk ramblings of a homeless man who just huffed a bag of paint to boot would be better than this!

4. The Time Machine (I Bought At A Yard Sale): Worst of the Worst was founded for this!

I had heard about this awful mess and didn't want to suffer alone.  Thanks, Bob.

Found for free on YouTube (to serve as their Resume), this Film has amazingly-bad everything.  A guy time travels...once and then finds a space ship.  The Film actually has him FORGET that he has a Time Machine!

You probably couldn't make something this bad if you tried (and people have!).

3. Good-Bye, Uncle Tom/Addio Zio Tom: I feel like I keep picking on this one...and with good reason.

Important recap- the 2 Directors of Mondo Cane (and more) were called Racists who made Fake Documentaries.  To silence their Critics, they made...a Fake Documentary about them seeing the Antebellum South.  Wait, what?!?

I got crap from a guy for covering the wrong cut, but whichever one you see, it is bad.  It is long, awful and bad.

2. Roller Gator: Why must I hurt myself so?!?

I heard about this Film in a Review of another Film. I thought- a Film about a talking/rapping purple Alligator puppet- hilarious!

The actual Film is shot on a handi-cam  (with visible shutter) and features CONSTANT GUITAR MUSIC over the whole Film.  It could be a fun train wreck of a Film if you didn't want to deafen yourself to escape the pain.

1. Actium Maximus- War of the Alien Dinosaurs: There's no topping this, right?

This one-and-done Film was seemingly-released by Troma as a joke to punish its Director.  He had clear visions for a big, futuristic world of wonder and horror.  He also only had like $20 and not enough friends to help.

It is long, bizarre and meandering.  As a final bonus, it ends on Sequel Bait!  Noooooooo!!!!

Here's to better Films from 2020 on. 

Not likely though, is it?

Quick Review: Greystone Park (2012)

As part of my desire to be a completionist, I have to watch the last 2 Films of a 4-Film Set.  One was John Carpenter's The Ward (which was good, but not great) and the other was The Frozen (which was bad).  What will the 3rd Film bring?

The Film begins with a bunch of people- including a now-dead Actress who broke a 35-year retirement for this- talking about Ghosts.

Some believe.  Some don't.
Either way, they keep talking about Shadow Men (not to be confused with Shadow Man- the comic, the game or the bad Seagal Film)

The one who sticks out the most- Oliver Stone!

Yeah, he's here since the Writer/Director/Star is his Son.
He's also ONLY here for this bit, since he still has some credibility to maintain.

After some cross-cutting between them deciding to go to the titular location- a real, abandoned Mental Hospital- and back to the Dinner, they go to it.

Well, three of them do.  The other 'chicken out.'

What follows is really lazy Found Footage stuff, so enjoy this compilation that was pre-made for me.

They wander around and occasionally try to slip in some *spoooky* lore about the place.

It is a real place, so maybe don't try so hard.

What secrets will they uncover?  Will they continue to be scared and wander around with no reason to stay?

Will something from the past prove to be their undoing?  Will the payoff be worth it?

To find out, watch the Film (if you must).

To get the nice stuff out of the way, there are some good visuals here.  The ultimate payoff has some creepy vibes to it and is handled well.  Unfortunately, there is a long, tedious Film you have to sit through to see it.  None of the people are that interesting.  Sean Stone isn't the worst Actor, for one.  I just couldn't be bothered to get invested in these people, all things considered.  The way the Film is shot is really the biggest sin.  They used a real location with lots of creepy stuff in it- great.  They shot it at night and you can only see like 5% of it- bad.  If this wasn't Found Footage, couldn't they have just shot this normally?  It wouldn't have been as cheap and they would have to actually commit to something other than wandering around though.  Oh well- go for the cheap and lazy route.  It is notable that Sean apparently appeared in more of his Dad's Films than any other Actor.  It is also notable that his early directing work was supplementary material for his Dad's Films.  Up until very recently (as in In-Production now), this was also his ONLY directing work as a solo act.  I'm not super-shocked to see that.  For your first real Film, making an easy narrative is understandable.  You just have to make it GOOD if you want to overcome the shortcut.  He didn't.  As it is, the Film is pretty nothing and you can actually see much more of Greystone Park from real footage/pictures online that sell it far better...

A nothing premise with really little creativity put into it.  It's not the worst Found Footage Film, but it definitely one of the more forgettable.