5,100th Post Celebration: Repo- The Genetic Opera

Well, it is another Milestone number.
What should I do for it?

How about something different- a Musical?  Maybe one that has a Cult following and was not a hit.

This is Repo- The Genetic Opera, a 2008 Film which doesn't tick many boxes for me personally.  

I don't *hate* Musicals, but the structure confounds me.  

I don't hate Darren Lynn Bousman or his work, but I'm not going to watch a Saw Film anytime soon.

Why not go outside of my comfort zone then?  Because it is just that, comfortable?
Well, too bad!  Let's check out this thing!

The Plot is all sorts of bonkers, involving a massive corporation skirting the law, buying their way into make crime legal and using human beings as tools that they can dispose when they see no worth in them.

Such a Science Fiction Plot!

Will I learn to love a bizarre, gory Musical?  Let's find out...

The Film takes place in a dystopian future where every place looks like the neon green streets of Gotham City from Batman Forever.

Everyone out there dresses like a combination of The Lost Boys or the cast of Cats.

GeneCo (who spent 10 seconds coming up with that name) makes a power play.  They buy their way to allow themselves to copyright/patent new organs and then repo them if payment isn't made.

Paul Sorvino is the Boss and has three kids (or more?) vying for the spot when he dies.

The Repo Men are allowed to catch you and cut out the organs.  These Repo Men are not be confused with the Leads from the 2010 Film Repo Men (which was somehow being written in 2007 based on a Novel from 2009?).

Nor should they be confused with Repo Man...or Repo Chick.

Our Lead- although we seem to have about 7- is Shilo.

Her Dad is a Doctor and she has to stay inside due to her rare blood disorder.

Like everyone, she sings about it.

Plot Twist- Dad is actually a Repo Man!

The Wife died while giving birth when he tried to cure her of her disorder and he was blackmailed by Sorvino into working for him.

I have to imagine this was fun for Mr. Head after dealing with all of the teenagers on Buffy for so long!

The Film also features an omniscient Narrator who talks directly to the Audience.

I think you're required by law to have one in a thing like this.

Confusingly, he also interacts with the Leads in a key way...so is he just Deadpool seeing through the structure of the Film itself?!?

The whole thing, of course, builds up to the titular Opera.

All of the Sub-Plots- killer Dad, evil Dad, sick girl, lady with holographic eyes- all come together in a bloody spectacle.

Curiously, almost nothing is actually resolved and many bad guys walk away, so this is either very nihilistic or they expected to make a bunch of Sequels.  

The End.

This one didn't do it for me, but I'm certainly not here to take this away from the fans.

The Film was hard to follow for me, with the heavy exposition mixed with Comic Book Panels, random people popping up, the singing and the Narrator.

They spent $8 million on this one and it didn't go into this part it seems.
It seems to have gone to all of the vinyl clothing and fake body parts for gore.

One thing is going to really decide how you feel about this- the Singing.  The performances vary.  I really liked Sorvino here- he nailed the role.  Others like Bill Moseley and Ogre aren't great.  I think it was a choice they made (as opposed to a lack of talent).

With all of the stop-start storytelling for Songs, it got hard to tell how much was really happening.  I joked on Twitter that I was waiting for the Plot to start about an hour in.

There is one, but many Plot Points overlap.  For instance, one lady dies from being poisoned and a different one was also being poisoned.  Getting both reveals in the Finale muddles things a bit, no?

All in all, I totally get why some people are *really* into this one.  I'm not here to tell you to hate it or anything.

For me, I just didn't really connect with the whole thing.  To be fair, the last Opera I watched was Dario Argento's.  Take us away, Dystopian Future Guy who looks like Present Day Vince McMahon.

A Film that absolutely has fans and I take nothing away from that.  I just never got 'hooked' by the whole thing.

My Crazy Youth: The Time that Freddy Kreuger Taught Brad Pitt About... Teen Pregnancy?!?

 Since it is Robert Englund's Birthday, let's look at some Elm Street stuff.  Hell, let's do more this week- just because!

Let's begin with Freddy's Nightmares aka *deep breath* Freddy's Nightmares: A Nightmare on Elm Street- The Series.

The real nightmare is me having to write out that full Title multiple times...so I won't.

This Show featured Freddy sometimes interacting with his victims, but usually just popping up between Scenes a la The Cryptkeeper.

What about this Episode?
Let's see...

A young couple- hey look, it is Brad Pitt- run away from home because there Parents don't want them to get married.

Hit the road!

They wander around a tiny Studio Set that is lit black so you can't tell that it is a small Studio Set.

See how well it worked?

Their car breaks down and a nice couple robs them.

Is this a dream?  Dunno.
They go back and forth between them so long that I almost expect to wake up suddenly and...

Nope- still here.  Shit.

They end up at a crazy Hotel thanks to Bill Moseley.

Everything goes wrong between dream sequences and they learn that maybe they should go home.

That's a weird way to tell a lesson, but you do you, Freddy.

So we're done here, right?

Nope.  This is a 2-Part Story, instead of featuring two tales.

Now we see the Couple together in Springwood- Freddy's Town- and they have a pregnancy scare.

This leads to a bunch of Nightmare Sequences focusing on her- with Pitt popping up randomly- imagining the worst.

It's not subtle.

Her Nightmares continue until she finally wakes up in bed and checks the test.  She's not pregnant.

She jumps around on the bed to celebrate...and falls off, hitting her head and putting her in a vegetative state.

See- it's ironic, because she's a baby now...I guess.

Also Freddy didn't do that, so...huh?!?

It's a weird one, to say the least.  For folks that don't know, Pitt worked a bunch before hitting it big in the '90s.  This isn't his only Horror Film/TV appearance.  If you know the big one, you know.

The problem here is that Freddy does nothing.  Unless you assume that any Nightmare is him doing it, he's absent for the whole thing story-wise.  He does the interstitial bits- so that they could call it Freddy's Nightmares- but that's it.

Also that Title is a bit confusing thanks to lazy Grammar.  Is it the Nightmares that Freddy makes OR the Nightmares had by Freddy?  Fans want to know!

The two-part natures of this Episode is also quite odd.  They both feature the duo, but the connection is tenuous at best.  Were they from Springwood?  If so, what was the point of scaring them in Town if the first lesson was NOT TO LEAVE TOWN?!?

I still enjoyed the bits as a whole, but it definitely leaned more on the 'what is real?' schtick.  That said, there's probably a real reason to watch for many of you out there...

A weird bit of a Morality Play in a Nightmare on Elm Street tale.  It's really disjointed, but kind of fun all the same.

New Crap: Texas Chainsaw

When Michael Bay says 'I can't do anything more with you,' what does that say about your Franchise?  Today's film is Texas Chainsaw, yet another film that seeks to be a sequel to the original film.  Seriously, this is like the Godzilla Millennium films- in which all but one was a stand-alone sequel to the original Godzilla- all over again!  It also does one my pet peeves- taking words out of the title for a sequel- to an all-new low/high.  It's one thing to go from The Howling to Howling II, but it's another thing to go from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre to Texas Chainsaw!  What is the logic here?  Did you think that you'd lose the Horror Market with the word Massacre in the title?  Is this a weird example of how we're changing as a society?  You can make horror films about people being cut to pieces by a Chainsaw, but you can't call it a Massacre (in the title)?  If so, that's odd.  Regardless, there is enough to talk/complain about in the actual film without diagramming our society as a whole and its quirks.  Set immediately after the end of the original film, this one explains what happened to the family- ignoring all of the other sequels in the process- and moves to the present day.  That means that there is a pretty major time-gap here to address.  How do they do it?  Well, I won't SPOIL that just yet, but it's worth covering later.  A couple of the original Actors are back, but it's mostly just to appease the 5% of the audience that really expects continuity between the films to be solid.  They clearly didn't see the other films- and will be annoyed later- but that's okay, I guess.  Leatherface is back along with...well, just Leatherface.  Maybe this explains the missing words in the title- they didn't will it to him.  To find out why this film fails on a number of levels, however, you'll have to just read on...

The film plays footage from the original film over the opening Credits.  It mostly serves to remind you how much the original film works, which proves to be a detriment to the film.  It ends with the woman escaping...

 ...and jumps right to the Sheriff- and most of the town- arriving for revenge.  They get the look down pretty well here, to the film's credit.

To the film's discredit, they shoehorn a Gunnar Hansen cameo in and Retcon Bill Moseley- who appeared in the first real sequel as someone else- into the original film.  He's here to say maybe four lines and die.  What was the point of that?!?

After the house is burned down- which sets up a continuity fiasco later-, a child is found with a young female family member.  She's killed (via Orton-style punt kick), but the baby is raised by one of the townsfolk.

Now in the present day, our heroine finds out that a Grandmother she never knew has died.  This leads to a road trip to Texas en route to Louisiana.  Ironically, they filmed the whole movie in that State instead of, you know, Texas!

Sorry, Rick Perry, but Bobby Jindal must have offered a bigger Tax Credit.  Conservative fight!

Just like in the original, the pair pick up a Hitchhiker.  Will this guy go on to be evil and later voice a Power Rangers villain too?  Only time- and SPOILERS- will tell.

This brings us to the film's biggest issue: time itself.  If this film is in set in the Present (which it is), then how is this baby that was born in 1973 only in her TWENTIES then?  I know Texas can be a backwards place sometimes, but time still moves at the same speed there!

They try to hide this all of the time.  Take this piece of Police evidence from later.  Who the hell blacks out the year on stuff like that?  Oh right- lazy Producers!

Since I don't want to SPOIL the whole thing, I'll just give you a basic rundown of the rest of the film.  Leatherface- who should be around 70 here- kills a bunch of people.  Nobody hears or smells him coming, it seems.

Random 3-D shots that add nothing.  That's something you have in common with Silent Hill: Revelation as well.  Interesting.

Oh and lots of silliness ensues.  The highlight: this guys walking around the house later and showing the Police Chief and Mayor (who could just go there) what he sees via Face Time on his phone.  That's...clever?

It all turns extra silly as motivations are revealed, characters turn Vince Russo-style and it all degrades into a mess.  To find out all of the details, watch the movie (if you insist).

Seriously, Platinum Dunes thought that this franchise was done, but you brought it back! This film is highly-confusing, highly-improbable and highly-unnecessary. Where do I begin? You made a direct sequel...forty-years later and still screwed it up. So many things happen in the movie with no major explanation and they really need one. If the Sawyer were reviled and all but one killed, how come Leatherface's little metal den was intact? Wasn't that part of the house? How did it not get burned?  After that, who is the Carson family, how did they get rich and how did they cover up the existence of Leatherface for all of these years?  Never mind the fact that nobody was apparently looking for him when the heroine from the first film had to have mentioned the GIANT WIELDING A CHAINSAW.  Getting past that, Mrs. Carson always knew where the girl was, even after she left the State?  How?  The film's basic plot is just chock full of stuff like that, plus unresolved sub-plots like the boyfriend having an affair with the friend, what exactly the Hitchhiker's real back-story is and so on.  It's a film that is both over-Edited and in need of some serious Editing.  I would start back at the Script phase, but it's too late for that.  In place of R. Lee Ermey, here's someone dressed like Jigsaw (for no reason at all)...

Next up, a look at a user request for a film with a very direct title.  When in doubt, kill Surf Nazis.  Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Crash & Burn

The jokes practically write themselves!  Full Moon is nothing if they are not opportunists.  The superhero film craze of the '80s occurs and they try to make a Doctor Strange movie.  The result turned out to be Doctor Mordrid (which may or may not have a sequel), but they tried.  Likewise, this 1990 film was a sort-of a reply to The Terminator.  This is Full Moon, of course, so the scale, budget and special-effects are not all that comparable.  I won't spoil who plays the Arnold role just yet, but it's pretty disappointing as well.  If you know 'The Scooby-Doo/Law & Order Rule,' you can figure it out.  This movie is all about setting up a scenario that sounds interesting and failing to execute it at every turn.  You can practically see the movie that this is supposed to be as you watch the movie actually in front of you.  Try to keep your seat belts on as we prepare to...

Nuclear war has made the Earth a rough place to live.  It would be nice to actually see that, but we don't.  Basically, there is a big, evil government group is controlling everything, despite no Police force being shown or their will being enforced in any way save for one.  The film takes place at a TV station run by this old man and his granddaughter.  This guy shows up on a motorcycle to deliver stuff they need.

Hey look- a giant robot in the background of this shot.  Will they use it to fight back against the evil government?  No.  Just forget about it for seventy minutes.

After the death of the grandfather, the heroes decide to figure out which one of them could be a robot.  This involves a blood test.  *cough* The Thing *cough*

Hey look- the most famous guy in the film- and the guy who was in TCM 2- is the robot.  I'm totally shocked.

After lots of running around and filler like that, our heroes end up outside with a wounded robot and hero.  The granddaughter (Megan Ward) uses the robot to crush Moseley.  Immediately after that, the giant thing malfunctions and 'dies.'  Ward and our hero just kind of leave, presumably passing the guy from Parasite along the way.  The End.

Why can't you be the movie you should be?  The plot of this movie is a disappointment, feeling like a side story to a better movie.  I want to see the evil government.  I want to see the resistance fight back.  Hell, I want to see the robot do something...anything!  Like a lot of Full Moon films, I have to go in knowing that I won't see the film that I really want to see.  The Trancers series is really good about setting up neat ideas- a future in peril, evil men with armies of mutants, etc- and never really executing them properly.  It's like the whole company is just a series of spec films in order for them to get loans from Bank of America or something.  There are some good moments in the film, but the pacing is really bad, leading to an ending that feels rushed.  As far as closure goes, you don't get much.  Oh yeah, having the other woman be a robot in the end for no clear reason was dumb too!  On the plus side, they don't force the comedy element in like they usually do these days.  Take us away, pointless nude scene...

Next up, two horror actors for hire elevate a standard Full Moon film.  Who needs a good plot when you have that?  Stay tuned...

DTV Sequels: 2001 Maniacs- Field of Screams

Why do I keep punishing myself?!?  2001 Maniacs (the remake) was not a good movie.  I know that some people like the kitschy humor and gore, but I was just 'rubbed the wrong way' by the whole thing.  I didn't like the characters- good or bad- and I didn't care about what was happening.  Ultimately, I liked the original better, in spite of it's lack of gore.  Yes, an H.G. Lewis movie that has almost no gore- I'm shocked too!  Five years later, a sequel was made.  Why?  Some changes occured here as Robert Englund is no longer playing The Mayor, having been replaced with Bill Mosely.  I have to wonder why this is.  Did Englund not care for the script?  Did he not want to play the same horror villain twice?  Okay- I know it's not that.  Was Englund just too busy?  Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your point of view, Tim Sullivan is still on board as both a Writer (not the sole one) and a Director.  If you really wanted a sign of what kind of quality to expect here, the film also includes Jar Jar Binks...'s actor, Ahmed Best.  As history has shown, it is not a good sign when you bring him into a series!  The plot here involves a new group of 'Yankees' ending up with the people of Pleasant Valley.  This time, it's a very-dated referent joke- even when the film was made last year.  Let's just hope that Natalie Merchant isn't around when we visit the...

The film begins with a bit of exposition about why Pleasant Valley is full of cannibal ghost/zombie things.  Actually, they don't explain why they're cannibals- they just kind of are.  The killing I get, but not that part.  Especially when you consider that cannibalism was not a key aspect to the original.  After the comic panel fun- drawn to reflect the recasting-, we see the Sheriff dragged in to Pleasant Valley by the Mayor's two sons.  He took down their 'Detore'- Ha ha ha...poor literacy- sign since he is tired of all the missing people that keep popping up.  No, he's actually doing it because the Feds are investigating it.  As revenge, the town does the barrel full of nails trick from the original film, but ends it with a ramp that somehow causes the guy to stick to a bullseye.  Physics is fun to ignore, isn't it?  Still far short of the 2001 sacrifices to end their limbo-like existence, the town needs a new plan to get Yankees.  The solution: road trip!  Hey, remember the whole thing about this being based on Brigadoon and how the town is trapped there?  Yeah- screw that!  They can just leave and, as a bonus, there is no time constraint either.  I love it in when the entire plot of a movie just changes to suit your needs, Tim!  After that, we meet the heroes/victims of the movie- a blatant rip-off of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.  Yes, we're going with a Simple Life parody, despite the fact that what they're parodying aired in 2004!  It would have been dated when they made the first film!

You know what's going to happen, right?  The group hang around the Pleasant Valley Travelling Fair and wait around to get killed.  A blond assistant gets knocked out, dragged to the 'Doctor's' Tent and cut in half with a giant saw.  By the way, how do to the people who have been ghosts for the last 100-odd years have the technology to do that?  Of course, that's not the most anachronistic part you'll see in the movie, but this is the first real kill of the film.  Next, Not Paris' Boyfriend goes looking for the girl and gets surrounded by a bunch of ladies.  Speaking of which- here's a real kicker: Pleasant Valley has an Asian woman in it!  How?!?  Anyways, they play around with him until they dress him up like Yankee Soldier and kill him via an electric chair.  Okay, I have to question that implement too- especially since the device was invented in 1887!  I should also mention that there are almost no likable characters in the good group.  The best one is a black lady who does nothing other than make-out with the Hispanic guy.  It's time for the big show...

Still not questioning the missing presence of their comrades, the group sit down to watch a show by the Confederates.  This includes Linn Shaye dancing around...like the lady from Flashdance!?!  No, really.  They do a magic trick where they dress the Jewish Producers up like Lincoln and shoot a cigar...which turns into a stick of dynamite and blows his head up!  I really hate this movie.  The Pleasant Valley gang tie up the people and give them a sporting chance to flee.  Translation: the group splits up and gets killed.  The lady Producer gets accidentally shot by Not Paris and Not Nicole, only to be left behind and killed by a woman with a Saw-like bear-trap coming out of her chastity belt.  Bullshit!  How do they have that and how can nobody see it?  If you're not going to try, why should I?!?  The black girl is faked out when she survives a hanging- thanks to the rope being too long- only for Moseley's son to pull the rope with his tiny wagon.  Aargh!  The Hispanic guy is seemingly-killed when he falls onto a pitchfork, but actually lives!  There's a fight between the Hispanic guy and the Mayor, but that doesn't resolve anything.  He helps the girls start up the bus, only for the trunk to be slammed on him and causing the motor to grind him up.  Um, how?   The girls drive away until the bus breaks down, but they bicker until The Mayor's son runs them over.  The town decides to take their traveling show on the road.  The End.

The South will suck again!  The plot of this movie is a joke.  It would work as a good parody if the material was fresh or ripe.  Instead, it's a parody of a show that ran from 2003 to 2004!  On top of that, parodying Paris Hilton is the easiest and most over-done parody of the last several years.  Case in point: every movie by the people behind Date Movie and Epic Movie.  Even if the subjects were interesting, the jokes are awful!  What kind of jokes do we get?  The old lady being horny, one of the sons humping a stuffed lamb and the Doctor making faces all the time.  Yeah, this is such crap.  There are good ideas that could have been mined, but they were more content to have people cut in half or the fake Simple Life stars flashing their boobs.  We also get black jokes, Hispanic jokes and lots of gay jokes.  Wow, I'm so underwhelmed.  The gore is silly and fake-looking.  If you were trying to make me laugh, you failed.  If you were trying to scare me, you failed.  If you were trying to gross me out, you failed.  What good are you again? 

Next up, Blockbuster Trash joins in the DTV fun.  I cover the DTV Sequel to Mirrors, which is actually a remake of the Korean film...which Mirrors was not.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: House of the Dead 2

This update is late because I couldn't...blah blah blah.  Anyhow, one to the belated review.

We're back again with another Uwe Boll sequel...and it's also not made by him.  Instead, this movie claims to be made by the Sci-Fi Channel.  Yeah, we all know what that means.  Some idiot paid Uwe $50 for the license and they bought it.  This is basically the same thing with the latter Return of the Living Dead series (Parts 4 and 5).  So, what has changed?  Well, it's not an island, there are no returning characters- save for one cheat near the end- and it's just another generic zombie film...but with soldiers in it.  To be fair, the movie does have some shallow ties to the original, but it's just as easily called Kappa Kappa Brains (I dare someone to use this) or some other stupid title.  You see, this movie is set on a college campus.  Mind you, the actual aspect of being a campus as far as the movie is concerned only relates to the intro and the fact that this place has some school buildings.  It also boasts a bunch of D-Level celebrities in small roles that amount to nothing.  This is...

The film begins with a fake-out opening concerning some idiot frat boys (is that redundant?) going on a panty raid/soaking a bunch of girls with water guns party.  One of them snaps a picture of a man having sex with a co-ed student- hello, pointless nudity- and she runs off.  Out in the parking lot, car hits her and a professor walks out.  Hello, pointless cameo role by Sid Haig.  The man takes her to his lab, takes her clothes off- really, movie?- and injects her with a serum to bring her back to life.  It doesn't seem to work, but the man makes the same mistake as the janitor from Blacula and gets killed by the monster lady.  We get a long credits sequence that has a ton of zombie attacks spliced into it.  Why?  Well, as you can see in the Special Features section, all of these scenes were cut from the film and just thrown in here.  At a restaurant, a woman (Emmanuelle Vaugier) is on a blind date with a pointless ancillary character...I mean, a guy.  The chef goes outside to eat, but gets bitten by zombie Haig- who walks off and is never seen again.  The woman hears about the incident from a waiter- I guess they're buddies or something- and goes to the back, killing the now-zombified chef.  Outside, she breaks off her date and meets up with her partner (Ed Quinn, looking like James Roday) and they take a bite victim away in an ambulance.  Our heroes kill the man when he starts to turn, coating themselves in zombie blood.  Yeah, that's sanitary.

Our heroes arrive at AMS base and are greeted by their boss- a woman that looks like Chelsea Handler from E! Network.  They meet up with the soldiers that work for the company as well, one of whom is played by the maid from My Name Is Earl, and discuss a bizarre a side-plot event: the death of Quinn's brother.  It's never shown and barely addressed, so why include it?  The pair is told that a zombie outbreak occurred at a college campus- hence the credits scenes- and they must stop it.  Their secondary goal is to find 'Zombie Zero' and make a serum from their blood.  The pay-off to this is really dumb, so keep reading.  At the outskirts, Quinn gives a whole speech to the platoon leader ('Sticky Fingaz') about how they're not ready to kill zombies, but he disagrees.  On just the second zombie attack, one of them trips over their own feet- really- and the other is instantly-disarmed.  He attempts a silly-looking flip, but is bitten and 'put down' by the AMS workers.  When one man goes to help him, he too is bitten and shot as well.  Yeah, they're ready.  To make matters worse, they split up.  Oh and bonus points for putting the pre-requisite jerk character with your two female soldiers.  In fact, when they break into a room and kill a co-ed zombie, he asks them to take his picture with it.  They hang around too long and a mosquito bites him, infecting him.  Hey, this isn't SARS Wars!

While they leave him to die/turn, our main heroes wander around a library.  Yet again, they falter and our AMS heroes must kill the zombies.  Plus, the fat, comic relief guy actually acts smarter than the 'grizzled soldier.'  As the film goes on, most of the soldiers die and/or get turned.  Our heroes do the electricity kill from Return of the Living Dead 2 and we learn that the zombies are evolving to grow teeth that bite through armor.  Aw, I'll miss you, fat and stupid soldier.  Finally, an hour or so into the movie, we get the plot connection to the original film: Zombie Zero is the girl who was revived at the end of the film.  She got captured by Haig and now we have a (bad) plot.  After wrestling with her, they get the sample and kill her.  They escape by barely-shifting their way through a horde of zombies that just sort of reach their hands out.  Sadly, they lose the sample in the escape.  By the way, they have 15 minutes to get back before the place is blown up by the military.  After five minutes of arguing, the trio of survivors go back and work their way to the room...again.  They get a second sample, but the remaining soldier is bit and kills herself.  Vaugier is swarmed upon by zombies as well, leaving Quinn to leap away from the missile attack.  The bitten soldier from earlier tries to steal the sample, but is killed by Vaugier.  Yeah, she escaped the zombies and the blast.  Unfortunately, this sample is also destroyed, leaving our heroes to drive into a previously-unmentioned zombie apocalypse.  The End.

This movie is just really, really bad.  The writing is bad, the acting is bad and the execution is even worse.  Why did this have to be House of the Dead 2?  I mean, your one connection is a *new* flashback to a character from the previous film...who is not even played by the same actress.  Oddly, I didn't see Uwe's name anywhere in here, save for an acknowledgment credit.  So how did this movie turn out so shitty?  I think that they just did not try that hard.  They figured that the license, the idea of zombies and all their stupid D-Level stars would sell the picture.  One look at the DVD itself tells you a lot.  Save for the Deleted Scenes spliced into the credits, we get one that actually starts with the clapboard.  Guys, that's a Behind The Scenes thing, not a Deleted Scenes thing!  Avoid this one unless you love shitty zombie films and or want to see that the Boll apple did not fall far from the tree.  Oh and to avoid a question that you're probably thinking after these two weeks- 'No, I'm not reviewing Bloodrayne 2.'

Next up, Part 2 of my Two Evil Eyes review.  Can Argento top Romero's segment?  Well, Romero's did not have an acid flashback to the 1600s, so maybe.  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Night of the Living Dead (1990)

This was a review that was intended to be in October during my pure horror month, but...well, um, it wasn't. Part of the problem was that I put off watching it for a while and actually watched in two different parts...for a reason that I also forgot. By the time I finished, it was nearly November and my schedule was full. So that's where we are. This film has sort of an odd place in history, as it comes over twenty years after the original film, nine years before the big re-release and another seven years before the 3D remake in 2006. This is not counting all the many re-dubbings of the film for 'comedic value.' At least the Rifftrax DVD offers you the chance to watch it with or without commentary. The other big thing to note is that the film was directed by Tom Savini, who has only directed one other movie (in 2004) since this. I'm sure that there is a story there. Well, enough talk- more zombie killing. This is...

Night of the Living Dead (1990)

Do I really need to tell you the plot of this movie? It's the same, really. Well, one thing or two is different about it...

-Tony Todd plays our black lead. This sort of goes against the casting logic of the first film (casting a black man just because he was the best actor), but okay. In fairness, he is the best actor here too.

-The lead heroine does not go comatose and stay that way for 80% of the film. After a talking to by Todd, she actually becomes assertive and strong. This feels like Savini did this on purpose, especially if you hear the way Todd's speech goes.

-The man who plays the husband from the cellar is less one-note than the original actor, although he is mostly rage and dissent.

-Naturally, the zombie make-up is great. Plus, no CG blood. Hurray!

-One small plot-hole: our heroine loses her coke-bottle glasses in the initial attack and never regains them. However, she is still a crack-shot for the adventure...somehow.

-The way the young couple dies is less stupid than in the original. This time, they can't find the key to the gas tank and try to shoot it off. Later, our hero finds the key and feels really bad about it.

-The big thing is that the ending is changed. Tony Todd's character gets bitten and turned, getting killed when the hick farmers show up. Instead, our heroine shoots the older guy and covers it by saying that he was a zombie. This is because he abandons Todd's character earlier. See- you can use different, ironic twists for your endings, makers of 2005's War of the Worlds and 2006's The Wicker Man!

*

The movie was good, although it was not so different that it necessarily warranted a remake. Mind you, there are some noticeable improvements in the writing and acting. The thing you will notice most about it is the use of color and the gore effects. That's fine and good, but how many people were complaining about either of them in regards to the original? The direction is fine, but nothing really stands out about it that makes you either go 'man, that guy should never work again' or 'that guy is great!' Fun fact for you though: this movie co-stars Bill Moseley and the 3-D remake features Sid Haig. It is interesting to look at this movie in comparison to the videogame 'Left 4 Dead' and see just how similar the black character is to Todd here. If you have never seen any of the Dead films (some of you must exist somewhere), this is not a bad place to start. Of course, anything is better than Night of the Living Bread. Yes, that is a real film title.

*

Up next, a legend in the giant monster field makes his big return. Of course, since it was not produced by Roland Emmericah, it did not exactly rush into theaters here. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: Silent Night, Deadly Night 3

I'll admit that the movie is somewhat well-known in the internet movie community, especially with the new DVD release. Let's be honest though: we're a bunch of weirdos. How many normal people find a movie like Ghoulies IV or Eko Eko Azarack II and go 'I need to see this right now?' Self-analysis aside, this movie is notable for being a sequel to an iconic Christmas horror film, but ignoring most of what made it work. Mind you, it is better than just literally playing clips from the first film for at least a third of it and killing someone with a car battery. Of course, that film featured a lead that looked related to the original killer and this one has Bill Moseley. He does a decent job, but the whole idea of him being there is just odd. The plot is not exactly Christmas-related and they miss one of the key things necessary for this to work as a Christmas horror film. Before I say too much, let's jingle our way into...

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!

The film begins with a woman running around a white room. In fairness, she is at least not running around a junkyard. However, like Psycho Santa, the movie takes its sweet time explaining any of this. She runs into another room and finds a comatose man on a hospital bed who looks like Cesare from The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. In some quick-fire editing, he is up and covered in blood. She runs at full-tilt, but he seems to be casually-shambling and keeping up with her- a cliche that's deconstructed by Behind The Mask. A minute or so later, she wakes up on a hospital bed covered in leads. As we are explained via exposition, a scientist has been doing scientific tests on people with psychic powers. I should also note that the young woman is blind, which makes me question how she can see anything with her mind. Ignoring the non-science related to this, how does she have any concept of what anything looks like?!? She goes 'into the rabbit hole' again and runs into a flashback from Silent Night, Deadly Night. This is happening because she tapped into the comatose man's mind, who is apparently Ricky from Silent Night, Deadly Night 2. He was a baby when this part happened! There's no way he remembers any of that!

*

Things get odder as our heroine runs into a rude hospital receptionist. Geez, it's a good thing that she wasn't dying or anything, lady! Our heroine has a flash of the woman with her throat cut...somehow, despite never really seeing the lady the first time! Her brother- who seems like he walked right out of Hard Rock Nightmare- takes her in his truck and they deliver more exposition. They are going to their grandmother's house for Christmas and he is bringing his girlfriend. I would complain about this bit of logic, but she is played by Laura Harring, so go right ahead. Meanwhile, anorexic Ricky wakes up from his coma to go find the young woman, since she 'touched his mind.' Yes, they really do say that. In one of the biggest disappointments of the film, he kills a man dressed as Santa, but does not take the outfit! Instead, he just wanders around in his hospital gown with his exposed skull. He gets picked up by a man and somehow gets to grandma's house before our leads! Even after stopping to kill a gas station attendant for no reason he is ahead of them! A bit later, our heroes show up and only our blind heroine thinks that something is up. The brother has more important plans: taking a bath with Laura Harring.

*

Finally, after some filler, the killer decides to make his presence known. Before that, we get numerous scenes with the lead detective (played by a character actor that the VHS box promotes the hell out of) and the doctor driving around. This is so disconnected that it almost feels like a parallel film. When they finally show up, only the doctor is there- huh?!? He gets killed and the brother gets stabbed, leading our two heroines to run inside. In fitting with movie tradition, the blind woman is the brave one and the normal girl is scared shit-less. The latter goes to check for the killer, but gets pulled under a bed. So, he was hiding under there? For a 6-foot tall man with an exposed brain, he is freaking Solid Snake when it comes to stealth! To cut a long story short,- kind of- the killer confronts our heroine in the basement. Yes, we do get the cheap fake-out scare when she discovers grandma's body. Our heroine knocks out the light, but walks right into Ricky, killing the whole point of that. Blah blah blah, they struggle, she gets outside and someone finally shoots Ricky dead- for real this time! The End.

*

This movie is not terrible, but it has some obvious flaws. First and foremost, the connection to the series is really stretched here. I get that it counts on the basis of this being Ricky, despite him not looking remotely-similar. However, he does not act like crazy, sporadic-killer Ricky from Silent Night, Deadly Night 2, nor does he dress up like Santa Claus or even say 'Punish.' I should reiterate this point from earlier: why doesn't he dress up like Santa Claus?!? For the only time in all three films, he has a legitimate reason to disguise his identity and doesn't! On top of that, this Ricky seems calculated and patient- the kind of guy who would use a disguise. I won't even get into the many medical issues with this film, the least of which is a man getting up and walking after being in a coma for six years! That said, there is some good atmosphere and some interesting ideas. I applaud them for only using one bit of stock footage from Silent Night, Deadly Night, although that is a back-handed compliment for sure! Honestly, it's better than you might think, but is questionably a Christmas horror film.

*

Just to cleanse our palettes, here is a Christmas special from the 1980s. It has children, robots and winged horses. Oddly enough, this was made for guys. Stay tuned...

Zombie Crap: The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

First and foremost, I really don't care for Rob Zombie. When he was making music in the 90s, it was alright. It was never something that I got all that excited about, but it wasn't terrible. All of a sudden, he becomes a movie director and remakes The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, only he calls it The House of 1,000 Corpses. Also, as an aside, I counted far less than 1,000 there, Rob! Next, he remade Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, but called it The Devil's Rejects. He has followed this up with remaking Friday the 13th under the title of Halloween and Halloween II. So, needless to say, my expectations were not high when I read about his cartoon movie based on a comic book that I had never read. Was I right or surprisingly-wrong? Find out in my review of...

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

Our movie begins with a masked man acting as a casting director for a film. He shamelessly oggles the woman with big breasts, while rejecting such broad celebrity parodies as Roseanne, Jeaneane Gorafalo and...Katherine Hepburn? Dude, she's been dead for years by the time you started making this movie (2007), so how is that topical? Anyhow, his film turns out to be a porno, giving us our first- but not last- shot of giant boobs drawn in Flash. During a scene full of bad dialogue, two of the women involved turn into monsters (one a vampire and one a werewolf), but they get killed. This brings us to our title screen, but my hope is pretty much dead. We are introduced to the rest of the cast, none of whom exactly have any positive character traits. The evil Dr. Satan is a cross between Dr. Thaddeus Venture and a devil that you find on hot sauce labels. Along with his forcibly-intelligent ape sidekick (not named Ape), he plans to find a marked girl, marry her and become all-powerful. How is she marked? With a big '666' on her ass, of course. With this film, were you expecting anything else?

*

In addition to Superbeasto, we also have a heroine. She is his adopted sister, wears skin-tight leather and has an eye-patch. She fights all sorts of monsters alongside her robot Murray, who is sexually-attracted to her, but she ignores his 'needs'. Remind me again why this is supposed to be endearing in any way? Throughout the film, the narrative will simply stop for a scene of her fighting Nazi zombies. Not that I have anything against the killing of Nazi zombies, but this adds nothing to the story. You can leave some things out when adapting an entire series, Rob! Superbeasto falls for a foul-mouthed stripper (Rosario Dawson, doing a fairly racist accent), but she has the mark! The ape kidnaps her, but she leaves a trail of half-smoked cigarettes leading up to the villain's lair. She is initially upset, but changes her tune when she realizes that she would get half of Dr. Satan's fortune. Mind you, she is still a filthy whore. Our hero calls his half-sister for help, which prompts her to come to the bar and shoot/beat up every random horror character who has a cameo. By the way, cameos are the substitutes for jokes here- enjoy!

*

It all escalates and leads to a big scene where our heroes try to stop the wedding. They bicker the whole time and work too late. They also do a scene ripping off Carrie, which is followed by a song entitled 'Why did you rip off Carrie?' That does not make it alright! Dr. Satan turns into a giant version of himself and begins to wreak havoc. This, naturally, is put over the 'wreaking havoc' song. Superbeasto and his sister challenge him, which leads to Satan revealing his deep-seated love for the girl. Cue the pointless and silly catfight between the sister and the whore, which the latter loses. Angered by her constant complaining, Satan stomps the woman, which undoes the power he gained. This is mentioned in the Magic Journal, which prompts our hero to take the time & complain about the film's bad writing. For once, I agree with you! The whole thing ends happily, with Dr. Satan beaten up, the ape getting the whore, the robot getting the girl and Superbeasto singing 'Working for the Weekend.' Okay, it's not all happy for us. The End.

*

This movie sucks for so many reasons. It is full of pop culture references, but no real jokes. Oh look, the monster from This Island Earth is the Priest. That's neat, but is it a joke? No! Even having two cameos by Dr. Phibes himself (once as the organist at the wedding) can save this movie. I get that it is tongue-in-cheek, but it is painfully so. That thing is in there so hard that I can taste my ear on the other side! Some of the voice acting is not bad and it is full of good performers (i.e. Tom Kenny and Harlan Williams). On the flip side, it features Tom Papa doing a terrible Will Ferrell impression (methinks that they wanted another actor...) and Sherri Moon Zombie (of course!) as the sister, doing the worst and most nasally voice I have ever heard. Picture the voice of Batman's Harley Quinn, only done by someone who can't voice-act. The worst part is that there are so many other terrible jokes that I passed over. Which is worse: the cat with giant metal balls (really) or the song during the cat-fight about how 'it is okay to masturbate to cartoons?' You decide- but we all lose. Your opinion may differ than mine, but, simply by having a blog, mine is more important.

*

Next on the agenda, Indonesia's time is up. It is time to review a film that has been a long time coming. Boy meets girl, girl becomes harbinger of evil and girl shoots up cops. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

What happens to a movie that is stuck in the middle? Sometimes, it becomes a catalyst a la Aliens or Bride of Frankenstein. Other times, they disappear completely like Beware! The Blob or The Hills Have Eyes, Part II. In this case, today's movie is the only real sequel in the entire series. Somehow, it has become completely lost amongst the seas of remakes and re-imaginings. Is there a reason why? Find out in my review of...

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre II

The film begins with a bit of narration that is definitely not by John Laroquette. Basically, it says that the cops came to the house after the girl escaped, but found nothing. The crime went unsolved and un-filed for many years. Apparently though, the people have popped up every once in a while and this is one of those times. Wow, that sure is convenient.

*

They set up the location as Dallas during the big week before a game. So, basically, the town is full of drunken idiots. Get ready for some killing! Our first one takes place with a pair of idiotic drunks who are driving around and calling a radio show. Evidently, the station has no way to hang up on them, which is important for later. A mysterious car catches up to them and attacks them. The buzz of a chainsaw cutting their hood sobers up the young men quickly. They shoot at one of the men...only to find that it was a trick. It's...confusing. Here is the summary: they die.

*

The police show up in the morning and investigate the scene. An out-of-town sheriff shows up as well and we quickly learn that his daughter is the one who survived the first movie. The local cops don't like the fact that he wants to 'kill the buzz' and say that there is 'severe danger in the area.' Meanwhile, the radio host has kept the tape of the killing and decides to play it on the air. The narrative takes the time to show us a local chili contest in the same hotel that the sheriff is staying in. I wonder if this aside has anything to do with the overall story?

*

We don't have to wait long to find out the answer. The winner takes a call on his giant '80s car phone and goes back to town. He sicks Leatherface and a freaky guy named Chop-Top to kill her. As the host runs away, the only other worker at the station shows up and gets beaten down. This is where we get the first problem with the movie: many scenes just run too long. Given the alleged level of content-cutting related to this movie, maybe this was done for padding. Whatever the reason, we don't need five minutes of the woman screaming as the door is eventually cut apart.

*

The movie gets really weird from here on out. Leatherface gets a hard-on for the host, Dennis Hopper buys some chainsaws and the host's buddy gets cut up. The girl gets captured and forced to wear her friend's face. Gee, where did you get that idea from, Rob Zombie? She escapes, but gets caught again. Thanks, movie. 'Stretch' spends some time at the family dinner table with grandpa and the clan. Oddly, she is not happy. Meanwhile, Hopper is running around and cutting all the support beams to the tunnel they are in. Apparently, you can cut down 90% of them with no adverse effect. I won't spoil the ending for you, save for saying that it is oddly inconclusive. It is not badly done, just sort of sudden and vague.

*

Is the movie good? Well, yes and no. If you like completely oddball films with no semblance of sanity, this is your movie. However, the tone is a bit erratic, jumping from fear to fright to fear again. This is one of the more subtler examples of 'The Evil Dead' effect that overtook cinema in the late 1980s. That brings up another problem with the movie: it is too late. By the time this movie came out, the original had been all but forgotten. The advent of the Laser Disc and DVD markets brought it back, but they came after this movie. Of course, nothing tops Blood Feast 2, which came out nearly 40 years after the first one. Way to get to work, H.G. Lewis.

*

Want to psychologically-torture your kids? Here are some more options. Stay tuned...