Triple B Flix: Malibu Express (1985)

At last, a Film that manages to make you bored with seeing boobs.  This is Malibu Express, the 1985 Film Debut of Andy Sidaris (provided you don't count his TV Movies or Seven).  He's famous for churning out a ton of cheap, sleazy Action Films through the 80s and 90s.  Well, I have a Box Set with 12 of his Films to get through!  His Films are famous as being Triple B- Bullets, Bombs and Boobs/Babes.  As I go through these, you may notice a pattern or two.  

This is not the *official* start to his pseudo Franchise involving the L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies, but it is close enough.  The Plot involves blackmail, murder, boobs and a random-ass Ending.  Sybil Danning is here in a 'Special Appearance' (despite being in about 6 Scenes), since she is the biggest Star here.  

UPDATE: Turns out that this Film is a Remake of Stacey (also by Sidaris), so I added the Remake Tag 4 Years Later.

This Story is all sorts of strange and random.  Is this pure Exploitation or pure fun?  To find out, read on...

After some narration about our Hero that gives us some clunky exposition, Danning here seeks a Detective for a case.  Thankfully, the guy she asks is part of our Hero's Yacht Club!

Unfortunately, the Film introduces a Subplot involving the Buffington Family.  They are Comedy Hillbillies that keep challenging our Hero to a race.

They literally stop the Film cold.  Twice.

She hires our Hero after a night on the Town (in THAT dress) and sleeping with him.  Of course!

He infiltrates a rich Family with one thing in common- having sex with the Chauffeur.

On top of that, he's attacked by a trio of henchman working for some businessman who is working with one of the Daughters.  Random!

After trying to blackmail the Patriarch since he owed lots of money, the Chauffeur is shot by a mysterious person.  The Film is half over, so finally get the Plot going!

Our Hero works the case with a lady Detective.  They go to the victim's place and...have sex.

No, really.

Can our Hero rise above being awful to save the day and solve the mystery?

As it turns out, the Chauffeur took a picture of his killer and it seems to be...that young Daughter.

In her defense, she was sort-of raped by him.  However...

He doesn't think that she could have done it.  He goes to see Sybil Danning and...

She exposition dumps via tape recording that she did it since the Chauffeur was actually going to sell Missile Secrets to the Russians.  He can't prove it, but the lady is free anyhow and he goes on Vacation.  The (huh?!?) End.  

What a random-ass Film.  This Film was Written, Produced and Directed by the late Sidaris.  As such, he had 100% control of the Story and Cut.  That actually explains a lot!  

This Story somehow involves a P.I. with Daddy Issues, a Racecar Driver, Hillbilly Races, Spies, Boobs, Extortion, Shooting, Fighting, more Racing and, finally, some Mission: Impossible stuff.  As part of Danning's cover, the tape plays and then explodes when completed, plus the mask she used to look like the other Lady melts on cue...somehow.  Our Hero's only evidence of innocence for the lady is that she had to be left-handed for one part of the crime and the real one is right-handed.  Would we even need the Innocence Project if it was that easy?!?  

Yes, I did just reference a Death Row Defense Initiative in an Andy Sidaris Film!  

The real Star of this Film- boobs.  They are just everywhere.  Our Hero has sex with Danning, hangs out with two Penthouse Models on his Boat, sleeps with a Detective, witnesses evidence of earlier Nudity, gets flashed by a Mechanic and ultimately gets saved by the Driver flashing her tits for the 300th time.  Two things- one flashing is literally done in the back of a shot with no focus on it.  Second, that Mechanic lady is greeted by our Hero, asks for something fast and she flashes him, explaining that SHE is the fastest thing in the Desert.  

Yes, a man did Write this.  

Aside from being chock full of pointless Nudity, bad Humor and so-so Writing, Express is...pretty forgivable as dumb entertainment.  Plus, it gives us the best non-Bond name for a Lady EVER...

Next up, the first official Sidaris Film in the Series.  More Boobs, Bombs and Bullets!  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Hercules (1987)

The Luigi Cozzi adaptation of Hercules is a freaky film that needs to be seen by everyone.  In the meantime, let's discover another Poor Bastard of Cinema...

Near the finale, Hercules is chained up by the orders of Minos and his lady friend (played by the busty Sybil Danning).  Naturally, he breaks free and fights off the guard.  During this struggle, one of the men grabs a spear and chucks it across the room.  Instead of hitting Danning or one of the guards, it hits Danning's old maid!

The movie just went all 'Scorpion' on you!  That's what you get for...um, going where your mistress told you to.

Why did you bring your maid with you to the dungeon again?  I don't get it.

Up next, we get to see a pair of Poor Bastards from a single, obscure film.  These people did nothing to deserve their fate!  Stay tuned...

Old-School Forgotten Sequels: The Concorde- Airport '79

How can you tell when a series has been whored out?  A good way is to see that the only connections are a shared setting and one star.  Mind you, that star is not playing the same role in every film- he's just in them.  A second is when you begin to pile on the ridiculous moments.  At the point when the Disaster Film was beginning to die, this film came out and helped put a pile of dirt on the coffin.  Yes, for the purposes of the analogy, I bury people alive.  Plus, I do it in real life.  This film, like Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, was the mecca of stars in random, tiny roles.  Unfortunately, as the FOURTH Airport film, the pickings were a little slim.  This meant that they couldn't get Slim Pickens- zing!  The movie stars Alain Delon (a famous French actor), George Kennedy, Robert Wagner, David Warner, Eddie Albert and Charo.  Wow, they were desperate!  The movie involves, well, a Concorde jet and chaos that would ensue.  That's simple enough, I guess.  Get out your tiny bomb for my review of...

The film begins with preparation for a Concorde jet to take of.  Wow, you don't waste any time, huh?  We don't get much time to meet our cast either.  The Captain is Kennedy, his co-pilot is Delon and the Engineer is Warner.  I hope that there are no sliding panes of glass on board, David!  The flight goes well for a bit until they hit some bad air and are forced to land suddenly.  This segues into a news story featuring a reporter who looks like she would go on to turn into a werewolf on live television.  For some unknown reason, they cut to a story about a company who has made a remote control missile.  Is this the least subtle Chekov's Gun ever?  By the way, voice cameo by Spinal Tap and Simpson's star Harry Shearer as an unseen reporter telling the story.  Since we skipped it before, the film felt the need to introduce all of the characters and back-story now.  Kennedy is a widowed, hard-worker, while Delon is a smooth pimp (more on that later).  In addition, the lady reporter is having an affair with a man (Wagner), who apparently has some nefarious schemes in mind.  A man shows up at her door, only to be shot by another man moments later.  The guy is a terrible shot, so she manages to escape and board the plane.  Oh good, now you're just endangering all of the other passengers with you?  At least there aren't a bunch of Russian athletes on board whose death would set off a nuclear war.  There are?  Oh shit...

If you wanted to see goofy, you came to the right place.  Amongst the passengers are an old singer, J.J. Walker (aka the 'Dy-no-mite' guy) and a Russian athlete bringing his deaf daughter on board.  Tell me there's not a patient waiting for an organ transplant and said organ is on board, at least.  I've got to stop doing that to myself!  To silence the woman with evidence against him, Wagner and his group of evil people fire their missile at the plane in an attempt to take it down.  This leads to an aerial chase and dodge sequence that is alright, but nothing special.  The digital effects are alright, but the objects always look pasted onto the aerial shots, as opposed to actually moving.  This chase is ridiculous too, as they do all they can to avoid the heat seeking missile.  They even come up with the ridiculous plan of flying upside down and having Delon fire a flare out the open window!  I can't express in words how bizarre and illogical that is!  It doesn't work, either, as they manage to fire the flare inside of the ship inside!  They eventually do the 'cut off the engine' trick to dodge the missile and fly into Paris.  After this, the crew and passengers get off for their stop.  Yes, that's what would happen after an event like that!  Kennedy and Delon unwind with a double date, which ends well for Kennedy.  Unfortunately, he learns that his date was a prostitute...which he has no problem with.  Oh yeah, someone puts a bomb on the plane too.

The final part of the trip goes off without a hitch.  The trip is smooth, the air is clean and the banter is strong.  Well, except for the part where the bomb goes off and opens up the lower part of the hull.  I probably should mention that part, huh?  The usual chaos ensues- panic, yelling and shaking of the set.  It wouldn't be a disaster film without the set shaking, would it?  This is a very tense and dramatic finale, except that you've seen it three other times.  Plus, you know that the people won't die.  The plane crashes into the mountain and the rescuers come.  As the people exit the plane, the movie abruptly ends.  Who wanted sub-plots to be resolved?  The End.

This movie...is also not good.  The plot is pretty generic, which is what happens when you come upon your fourth 'airplane disaster' film within about five years.  I get that these movies did well, but there should be a limit on these things!  Hell, just throw in Godzilla or something.  Throw me a damn bone!  Most of the characters exist merely to pull at your heart strings and pad out the run-time.  Does J.J. Walker really add anything to the story?  No.  Good try though, movie.  The special effects are alright, but nothing special.  Like I said, they feel really cheap sometimes.  Nothing is all that funny though, so it's not really a film you'd watch for that.  That said, if you've seen Airplane and/or Airplane II, you'll find some laughs at the movie's pile of cliches.  If you want to see the source of the more direct cliches though, watch Airport '75 or Airport '77.  The whole 'bomber' plot from Airplane II: The Sequel comes right from one of those films.  I will say this: if you ever wanted to see a film starring a famous, French actor and the partner from Naked Gun films, this is probably the only one.

Next up, what happens when you make a sequel to Cold War comedy that nobody remembers?  You get a film that's even more obscure and esoteric, of course!  Stay tuned...

Series Killers: Howling 2- Your Sister is A Werewolf

Joe Dante made a masterpiece in the form of The Howling.  Naturally, someone had to come along and screw that up with at least five sequels.  Two of those films come from Philippe Mora, the man behind Communion and Snide & Prejudice.  Having already talked about Howling III, let's back-track to his first effort.  The film feels like a movie that he was forced to make in order to get his real pet project done.  Having sat through that nearly two-hour, piece of shit, I can ask this: was it worth it?  This movie is notable for having two actors you only see together here: Christopher Lee and Reb Brown.  That's a match made in Heaven...right.  Reb was just coming into his own and it would be just one year before he would appear in the cult classic Space Mutiny.  Yes, I proudly-own that film on DVD.  Lee, however, was in a different place.  Coming out of the '70s, he struggled to find an identity as a Character Actor in Genre Films.  This is a case of what happens when he would agree to do shit.  To learn more, read on.  Get out your titanium collection for my review of...

The film begins in space as Christopher Lee appears to talk about...well, nothing.  Good start, Movie.  After the credits, we cut to the funeral of the reporter from The Howling.  They want to connect the two films, despite eliminating the word 'The' from the title.  Don't worry- it found a new home in 'Los Angeles- City of THE Angels.'  At the funeral, we see Lee again, apparently having returned from outer space.  He leaves, but one of the lady's co-workers follows him, but the brother (Reb Brown) doesn't approve.  Since he has no spine, however, he goes with her to see the man.  A mere seven minutes in, we get the film's title line, delivered with profound conviction by Lee.  A couple things of note happen in this scene..  First, we learn about the villains- a pair of Werewolves really interested in the 'dead' reporter.  Second, we see a recreation of the video of when the girl turned into a Werewolf.  Hey, remember how that was happening live in the last Film?  Lastly, Lee explains that these Werewolves are too powerful for silver to work on them.  What does work, you ask?  Titanium.  Why?  They never say.  Aargh- I hate this lack of logic!

The trio go to the tomb of the sister, only to find themselves under assault by Werewolves.  Thankfully, Reb is here to do what he does best: yell and shoot.  Want to kill any fear in your horror film?  Have Reb Brown mow them all down with a rifle, exerting almost no effort.  The point of this is to prove to the pair that Werewolves are real and to send the film to Transylvania.  Naturally, a French-born Australian man would take a film from Los Angeles to Transylvania.  Wait, what?  In the area, the Werewolf pair have arrived to awaken the power of the evil Stirba- aka the original subtitle to the film- who is played by Sybil Danning.  The silly plot brings in a ceremony involving flashy effects, but no substance.  Now in her young, hot form, Stirba plans for a big ceremony involving some bullshit I don't care about.  Once in Transylvania, the trio run afoul of some devious villagers, but dispatch with them easily.  In town, they meet up with the group of men who work for Lee's character, including a Priest and a Midget.  What- no Rabbi?  Instead, we get to watch Stirba's henchman engage in freaky, Werewolf humping on a bed, while the she-wolf...she-watches.  Eventually, she joins in before the film cuts away.  By the way, Sybil as a Werewolf- not hot.  Sybil as anything else- hot.

I won't lie to you- this movie gets really damn dumb.  Sometime in the middle of the film, Reb and the girl hook-up, which is all just to set up the girl being used as bait.  They keep her around for a bit before Reb finds them...and runs away.  Sadly, the midget gets killed, despite his awesome flail skills.  The group set-up for a final assault on the castle, with Reb settling for a gun...since knifes are too silly for him.  Stirba sends out all of her pack, who are fresh off a punk band playing the same song for the 400th time now, but they all die.  Seriously, these wolves suck!  Eventually, we get three people left to battle the villains: the priest, Lee and Brown.  The priest confronts Stirba, but he's dispatched by a demon-thing on her staff.  By the way, the film is too cheap for stop-motion, so it's just a bad puppet effect.  Reb shows up in time to kill both Werewolves in easy fashion, making their point in this movie what exactly?  Finally, Lee confronts Sybil and she...shoots light beams at him while wearing an outfit made out of random pieces of armor.  He stabs her with the Titanium knife, but she manages to light him on fire with the spell.  Evidently, the pair are brother and sister, a plot point that comes up in the last ten minutes.  One silly prologue later and the movie ends in an abrupt manner.

This movie sucks...even if my sister is a Werewolf.  The thing is just dumb- plain and simple.  The plot has promise, but just sort of flounders about.  Stirba does nothing major, other than wait around in her castle and engage in some freaky shit.  I should note that her topless scene is shown about ten more times during the ending credits.  Yeah, the end credits are a music video...for the film you just saw...and with the same stupid song again!  Damn you for making me sit through the credits!  The acting is not all that terrible here, but some of it is very out of place.  Reb Brown is here to be big and beefy, while Lee is here to make the film seem credible.  Yeah, it doesn't work.  His appearance here is just embarrassing- plain and simple.  I like to believe that the rumor about him apologize for being in this movie when he met Joe Dante on the set of Gremlins 2 is right.  In fact, let me get this out of the way.  If you ever read this, Joe- I'm sorry for watching Howling 2.  It's a stupid piece of shit that tarnishes the legacy of your great film.  Speaking of which, there are still about four more sequels for me to review.  God dammit!  On the plus side, boobs.

Up next, I take a look at a film that proves that space and horror don't mix.  This fourth film in a series that would eventually go solely to cable is straight out of Hell itself!  Stay tuned...