Holiday Flix: Zone Troopers

The greatest generation, huh?  Today's Film is Zone Troopers, a 1985 Sci-Fi Film set in WWII.  From the man who brought us Trancers and helped run THQ into the ground, a Movie about Aliens, Nazis and Tim Thomerson.  If you can't trust the man who once called the Wii 'a Monopoly Box,' who can you trust?  The Story involves a small group of Soldiers in Italy running across some folks that they didn't expect to.  While they are stuck behind enemy lines (with Mr. Kennedy?), they are going to need some help.  The Cast includes Tim Thomerson and Art Lafleur, who also were in Trancers by the same Director.  Sadly, they couldn't get Helen Hunt too!  This is all sorts of silly, but is it good?  To find out, read on...

On the plus side, this Card is more informative than Wild Beasts...

A small group of Soldiers- including Lafleur and Thomerson- are fighting the Nazis, while one of them is too into his Comics.

As luck would have it, a Sci-Fi Story was approaching him as some Aliens show up too!

The group is split up by the Nazis and one group finds a crashed Ship.

...which is blown up with one grenade.  Science!

One Alien is captured by the Nazis after coming out of an egg (?!?) and apparently sees in red.  I was wondering how many colors of Monster Vision I could see in my life...

To really ramp up the silly, Hitler shows up.

Fun Fact: fake Hitler also appears in Captain America: The First Avenger, a Film made by the Director of The Rocketeer...which was written by this Director.  It was a long way to go, but it was worth it!

More Aliens show up to help our Heroes...only for them to be pacifists...after they kill a bunch of Nazis.  Damn you, artificially-raised tension!

The one alien eventually helps them with his silly lasers and leaves, allowing the Story to be told in a comic book 'written' by the dead Soldier.  Hurray?  The End.

Damn silly stuff.  The whole thing is treated pretty seriously, with Thomerson and Lafleur doing their best deadpan.  I still kind of like the pair here, as they have a pretty natural chemistry.  There's only one lady in the Film- who is a Hologram- so I'll have to take what I can get.  I guess that the bug-faced Alien could be a Female...but I'm not going to check!  The Computer Effects are pretty dated, but in a kind of fun way.  They don't look at all real- who cares?!?  The Make-Up work is pretty good, with the mask looking good in a fun way and the Aliens look good enough.  The Story is nothing special and pretty much goes the way you expect- no surprises there.  It sure was nice of Warner Bros to bother to make a nicer print of this Film for me to review (back in 2005).  Thanks, fellas!  All in all, Zone Troopers is a fun, silly Film about Aliens, Nazis and Jack Deth.  As a final joke, here is one of the Film's many comically-exaggerated death falls...

Next up, a Horror Comedy that I somehow haven't done yet.  Is there a worse Cop than the Maniac one?  Stay tuned...

JCVD vs. Death: Death Warrant

I'm sorry, but is that even a thing?  In this flimsy pretense to review a few Jean Claude Van Damme films, I wanted to do Sudden Death.  I mean, it's Die Hard...but in a hockey game.  Fate had other plans, leading me to this film that actually fits me better than I could have imagined.  How so?  For one thing, is stars Art LeFleur.  Secondly, it features Patrick Kilpatrick, a very underrated villain.  It's kind of a shame that he doesn't do a lot here though.  Finally, it is by a very acclaimed and successful screenwriter, getting his first credit here.  Who is it?  I'm not telling just yet.  The plot is simple...kind of.  Van Damm goes undercover in a prison to discover why people are being killed there.  Here's a guess- it's a prison!  In all seriousness, there's some sneaky dealings going on in there and it's up to this Belgian kickboxer to get to the bottom of it.  To find out more, read on...

Remember the guy who wrote the Blade films and Batman Begins?  Well, he started here, folks!

This movie gives a big, exposition dump early on.  Van Damme is a Mountie- never in uniform, sadly- who is going after the killer- The Sandman- who killed his partner- never shown or even named.  He shoots him and that's that.  Surely there's more later...

As a Mountie who is apparently just hanging around the city for the next 16 months, he's sent undercover in a prison.  As a nice guy, he only does it after he gets the hots for his 'contact' there.  Nice.

Thankfully, he has the help of Abar, the First Black Superman in there.  Sadly, it's not really Tobar Mayo.  He'd just mind-control everyone anyhow.

He's also got Benson on his side.  He has a pointless eye scar to boot.  That's...not really all that important, thanks.

Things take a turn for the worse when our hero's identity is uncovered.  How?  As it turns out, The Sandman didn't die, despite taking four slugs to the chest.  Who know that he was immortal?  I guess beer does that.

All of this boils down to a fight between Van Damme and The Sandman.  Clearly, he's the most important character, given that he only appeared in the first five minutes.

After controlling most of the fight, he opens the furnace doors...and just stands there.  It's Van Damme- guess what happens.

Inexplicably, the 'One Last Hurrah' cliche comes up and he jumps out of the furnace.  Within twenty seconds, he gets his head impaled on a pipe.  Odd.

With all of the villains dead, the movie just kind of ends.  What happens to the human organ trafficking ring?  I guess that's done.  The End.

Organs for everyone!  In spite of being about a black market organ ring, it's mostly about Van Damme looking weak.  I don't know this for a fact, but this doesn't seem like 'a Van Damme script.'  You can see films that are either written for him (or by him) or ones that lean towards his strengths.  This is not one of those films.  He does about a dozen kicks in the whole movie- low for him.  He spends most of the time trying to solve a mystery.  Clearly, the guy most famous for doing splits is the guy that I look to for my mystery-solving!  In all seriousness, this is not a bad script per se.  The problem is that it feels like big pieces are cut out of it.  For example, Van Damme's partner and his death.  It's not shown, nor is the character given a name.  Was there a flashback scene cut?  Was he in the original intro but cut for time?  There's a lot of extemporaneous stuff in this film, so it seems like they could have made room.  On a more minor point, I was denied the chance to see Van Damme actually dressed like a Canadian Mountie!  If you're not going to show it, just make him a cop or something.  Good grief!  If you want to see Van Damme do something different, this certainly qualifies.  It could have easily been a film starring Bruce Willis, Michael Dudikoff or anyone else though.  On the plus side, random black midget.  Happy Black History Month, courtesy of Mondo Bizarro...

Next up, the third film I got for Christmas from my friend.  Will Van Damme's sad mug help this hyper-violent revenge tale?  Stay tuned...

Werewolf Week: War Wolves

Either make an art film or make a werewolf movie!  You could argue that many good Directors- i.e. John Landis, Joe Dante- can mix in other aspects like humor and satire into a werewolf movie with success.  However, crappy Directors- i.e. Michael Worth- cannot.  Today's film is War Wolves, a movie I watched nearly a year or so ago and gave up on.  Why?  Well, it's pretty damn boring, especially when you consider it's a film about soldiers turned into werewolves who are hunted by former soldiers.  Worth- who also stars- manages to suck all of the energy out of this idea, but tries to cover it with artsy crap.  I'll get into more of that later, but I'd rather talk about the 'stars' of the film.  No doubt to help funding, the movie features a bunch of C-List actors who at one point were quite famous.  Adrienne Barbeau, John Saxon, Martin Kove, Art LaFleur and Tim Thomerson are all here, albeit in fairly-small roles.  Their appearances here are usually the best parts of the film, although it's not saying much.  To see why it took me two tries to endure this movie, read on...

To really sink things in, this movie begins with a quote from the Bible.  There's nothing wrong with the quote, but it's used in such a pretentious way here!

After a little 'get to know them' filler, the group of soldiers go into a village and get attacked by Werewolves.  Did I say Werewolves?  They're basically just Rage-Virus Zombies, but I guess that's close enough for the movie.

In one of her few scenes, Barbeau plays a Counselor helping our hero/Director deal with his PTSD.  The fact that he's slowly turning into a Lycanthrope doesn't help.  Oh yeah, she is obsessed with conspiracy theories, aliens and Bigfoot.  Sigh.

Our hero ends up in the sights of two former soldiers (Thomerson and Saxon) who are trying to stop all of the people turned that day.  They're missing the pack of three female Werewolves, but let's focus all of our screen time on the Director instead!

In the scene that really killed me, one of the lady Werewolves is run over and her body taken to a bar.  She's naked, but the film never gives you the slightest glimpse of her, even when she's killing everyone along with her pack.  Why make this scene then?!?

We get a Trancers reunion of sort when Art LaFleur shows up as one of the people in the support group.  Him and Tim share only one quick scene together, rendering his whole part- entirely-pointless.

All of this- eventually- builds up to a finale of sorts back at the Church where the counseling group meets.  Thanks, TV Movie budget!  Speaking of which...

Yeah, these make-up jobs are hysterical!  Why can't they be in the movie more often?  Because you might actually enjoy it- duh!

In The End, a bunch of people die and our hero embraces his animal side...or something.  All I know is that John Saxon narrates while they show us two Wolves leave across the desert.  Hurray?  Boo?  The End.

Wake me up when someone transforms!  The plot of this movie is one that should work.  As you may have inferred from my intro, it does not.  The movie put me to sleep at least twice.  Who needs Ambien when you have...a Werewolf movie?  How surprising is that?!?  This movie features no real Werewolf action, terrible pacing and just continuous bouts of randomness.  For example, Tim's character is always making Lists- what a weirdo- and making small-talk with people.  Throw in the bizarre scenes of the counseling group, Barbeau's conspiracy theories and you've got some weird-ass shit.  The thing is that none of these things are really funny, no matter how insistent they are.  This all serves to fill up time that could be used for real action and character development.  This movie is just dull and pointless.  Is there a message?  Maybe, but good luck digging it out. Is there any actual transformation?  No.  For all my complaints about Howling V's lack of on-screen action, we at least got flashes of a full suit.  This movie- a bunch of people with silly noses on.  What a shame!

Up next, November comes to an end with a three-part look at the works of Russell Mulcahy.  First up, an HBO version of Cape Fear, only with gaping plot holes, Jesse Ventura and, of course, sword-fighting.  Stay tuned...

Quintology: Trancers II

This one stands out a bit as the odd child of the series, which is saying a lot. Why? Well, this one came six years after the original. What are you- the Rush Hour series? The following films were all released in the following three years, showing that, if nothing else, the series was reliable. Of course, pushing movies out that quickly has a price. Just ask Jesus Franco, or whatever one of his 500 pseudonyms you prefer. So how does the one movie with a long release delay turn out? Find out in my review of...

Trancers II: The Return of Jack Death

The film starts out by wisely acknowledging the time gap. We don't get the 3 year plane ride from Rush Hour II or the five year flight from Rocky V. Jack and his lady have been living the good life as the former-bum's bodyguards. Through some random bit of luck, he became rich and bought a mansion for the three of them. In addition, the pair is married and happy. In the future (which is actually the present of Trancers), the remaining council wants Jack back. The only problem is that his body has calcified (don't ask) and only his descendant's body can be sent to the present. Fuck you, causality! They send Jack's friend McNulty back in his descendant's body again- only this time the girl is actually legal. Also, say good-bye to Art Fleur, since he is written out in Trancers 3.

*

The plot gets a bit more complicated before it gets silly. The Council also sends back an agent with a time machine (try not to laugh at it) to take Jack's body back to the present/future. The only problem: she got lost and the machine got mixed up in the transport. Only the door ends up on the lawn, while the rest of the machine is with our amnesiac agent. Don't ask how the door got separated in travel, BTW- it just did! Our heroine is dumped in an asylum because of the mental problems caused by her trip. Of course, the same asylum proves to be a bigger part of the plot. Basically, it is run by Whistler's brother and is another way to make trancers. As an aside, this film series wasted the opportunity to have the villain in Trancers 3 be Whistler's mother. For shame!

*

The plot gets screwy when Jack rescues the patient and realizes that it is his dead wife in a new body. The Council, you see, rescued her right before her death in battle and sent her back via the time-travel toxin (I still can't get past that). Are his feelings for her stronger than his ones for his wife? Will she get mad when she finds them making out? Will it seem creepy when Tim Thomerson makes out with a 19-year old? Fortunately, any creepiness here is outweighed by Richard Lynch as the villain (looking about 100), Jeffrey Combs as his assistant (complete with 'Mirror Mirror'-style goatee) and Barbara Crampton as the asylum's head mistress. Oh and a bunch of trancers attack Jack, giving him another excuse to use the long-second watch and kill them.

*

Now that we have all the plot out of the way, let's start shooting! Most of the latter quarter of the movie is a series of shoot-outs, fist fights and the like. Helen Hunt gets captured, only to be freed later with no ill-effects. We also get a random scene with hobos that is mostly a pretense for Charles Band (the director's father) and Gordon Hunt (Helen's father) to show-up, not to mention Lynch's son as a cameraman. The choreography is done pretty well, but it never feels like a big-budget action movie. To cut a long story short, Whistler's brother is killed with a flying pitchfork and Jack has to make a decision. He decides to give his wife another shot at life by sending her descendant to the future. You guys are so flippant with time-travel rules, huh? Jack decides to live happily ever after with his wife...at least until Trancers III.

*

This film is good, but it is a bit top-heavy with plot. They try to compensate by filling about 15 minutes straight with action, making the movie feel very strange. The lone trancers scene early on appears to be a way to appease an action-hungry audience. Let's be honest here: we should not judge this like any other movie. It has Lynch, Combs and Crampton as villainous doctors battling a former stand-up comic as a time-stranded cop who acts like a dime novel detective. No real logic is all that applicable. If you are an open-minded person who can accept that this movie cost less than 1 million dollars (if it's more, I would be surprised), you can have some fun. If nothing else, you can see what Oscar nominees do before the fact.

*

Do you like all of the characters and settings? Prepare to be a little disappointed. Stay tuned...

Quintology: Trancers

In the grand tradition of series reviews, I bring you, well, another one. This one is a film series that often goes unremembered by many. Why? Well, there were many gaps in the series' history and a tumultuous bit of cast upheaval as well. Unlike some other film series', there was no guarantee who would be back and who would be gone. Plus, it was made by Full Moon Pictures, who is not exactly Paramount. Well, that ends today. Prepare for a five part series of reviews that will make you say 'viva la Trancers.' We start out with...

Trancers

The film begins with our hero- Jack Deth- arriving at a diner at night for some coffee. He has all the air of a 50s mystery novel character about him. This is supposed to be the cornerstone of the series, although it is only that strong well...here. One of the people in the restaurant 'turns' and becomes a 'Trancer.' Basically, they are the Rage Virus zombies from 28 Weeks Later, only much more low-budget and in a sci-fi setting. When they die, they turn into orange energy and vanish. Gee, that saves money on making corpses. This bit of good news is broken by the revelation that Deth's old enemy Whistler is actually alive (his supposed death takes place in Trancers -1, apparently) and has time-traveled. Why? To kill the Council's ancestors and erase them from history. Sounds good.

*

The Council decides to send Jack back in time- to 1985-, but into the body of his ancestor. Not only did he luck out and have his ancestor not be a quadriplegic, but he is also coming off of a one night stand with Helen Hunt. He adjusts pretty slowly, but, luckily enough for him, a Trancer shows up at Hunt's workplace. She does not take the idea of him killing one of her co-workers and driving off with her- how odd. When he goes into a tanning booth to find one of the descendants, she drives off. After he is knocked down and put into a James Bond-style death trap involving a tanning bed, she has a change of heart...for some reason. He repays the favor a couple of minutes later when they are confronted by Whistler (in the form of a present day cop). Using a 'long-second watch,' he skips past the villains in the blink of an eye. It's nice to have your own Deus Ex Machina, isn't it?

*

Jack is not doing so well and has only one Council member left to save. Unfortunately, the surviving descendant is a drunken ex-baseball player. While searching for him, they take a break to get in all the cliches of an 80s movie. Dance club scene with bad cover band-check. Badly-choreographed fight with punk fans- check. Older hero eventually blending in with 80s culture- big check. Eventually, they find the man, but he is a bum. Whistler is also on his trail and captures Ms. Hunt. He dumps her off of a roof, but Jack manages to save her by using the long-second watch again. Whistler is sent back to the future via the weird time-travel toxin that people are injected with. Unfortunately, Jack is left in 1985...at least until the sequel.

*

This movie is pretty good, although it definitely has to be viewed the right way. The movie is kind of silly, not all the clever and very low-budget. In spite of that, the movie works pretty well with what it has. Tim Thomerson is oddly-entrancing (pun not intended) as the lead, but I can't figure out why. Everyone else is pretty forgettable, although Hunt's 'spunky' character has its own charm as well. Looking back, it is hard to imagine how four films got spun out of this little bit of amusement. Then again, I have already reviewed the fourth Omen and Leprechaun films, so I should not be too harsh. You can do far worse than renting this movie. Believe me, I have!

*

You have to know what comes next, don't you? More zombie-vampires, Tim Thomerson and low-budget action. Stay tuned...