Streaming Standard: Expendables 4 (aka Expend4bles)

As a fan of the original Trilogy (flaws and all), I was interested in a 4th Film...when it was announced in 2014.

When it finally came out in 2023, I skipped it in Theaters.

In 2026, I finally pulled the trigger.

In Expendables 3, we got a mix of the original Cast and a bunch of younger recruits- like Ronda Rousey and (yes, really) Glen Powell- to fill things out.

Even Schwarzenegger was around and we got Harrison Ford as the new government boss.

In Expendables 4, the new Cast is all gone.  Even Wesley Snipes.

Arnie is presumably busy making his Netflix Show and Terry Crews wasn't asked back (he has a theory).

Even Antonio Banderas was replaced by...his Son (?!?) on the team.

Instead, Stallone and *most* of the old Cast are being sent on a mission by their new Boss- Andy Garcia.

A new player- Iko Uwais- has broken into 'Gaddafi's Old Base' and stolen some nuclear detonators.
He died in 2011, but sure- that's still a thing.

They also think that this is the work of a rogue agent named Ocelot (not the MGS one) who is pulling the strings.

Remember Charisma Carpenter in the first 2 Films?
Well, she's essentially been replaced by Megan Fox as Statham's Girlfriend...and also on the team.

Can we get a Comic to explain all of the changes here?  I didn't think so.

The team's mission to stop Jaa goes poorly- I won't SPOIL why- and Statham is kicked off of the team by Garcia.

In the aftermath, the remaining team- alongside Garcia- go to a ship to stop the bad guy and recover the nuke.

Fortunately, Statham meets another former Expendable- Jaa- and they end up helping the others.

Can the group save the day?
Can they ever get the CGI sky around the boat to look convincing?

To find out, stream it now...

Oh jeez, I really wanted to like you, Movie.

As stated, I like the first 3.  Hell, I own them!
They have problems- I don't pretend otherwise.

That said, this one has so many things working against it...

* Previous Cast gone with no explanation
* New Cast gets no buildup

* This random Vietnamese lady (who they say is Chinese) joins up off-screen.
* Stallone does nearly nothing here (he is older than both of my Parents TBF)
* They don't even do the Opening Action Scene right (it's crosscut with Stallone's bits)

* The twists were way too obvious

* The CGI blood is silly.
* The CGI for the night sky around the boat (and for moving vehicle shots) looks TERRIBLE.

Positives include the influx of Thai/Indonesian Action Stars, Statham still being Statham and some fun action at times.

Otherwise, this one should have either been made by 2017 (at the latest) or not at all.

Unless, of course, they could make the Film that people wanted based on the many, MANY Fake AI Trailer Images...

Really Old Man Barney!

A Film that goes from being fun to painful.  The whole thing is a mess and not even an enjoyable one.

Leave Me Stallone: Demolition Man (1993)

 Having no power for 4 days sucked.
Is this Film better?

Today's Film is Demolition Man, my final Stallone Film.  I know he's made plenty more, but I need a break.

The Film is set in an Alternate Timeline and mostly takes place in the deep, dark future of...2032.  It's all fantasy, after all, since it had Los Angeles on fire in 1996.

Say what now?

This one comes to us from Marco Brambilla, who made such 'classics' as Excess Baggage and...a bunch of VR-Art Pieces?  Alright then.  The Writers were behind such Films as The Crow: City of Angels, Universal Soldier 2 and 3, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane and Hudson Hawk.

Expectations set to low.

Let's f***ing (Penalty!) do this s**t (Penalty!) ...

3 years in the future from this Film's release, Los Angeles is full of crime, fire and destruction.

Only one man can save it.

Cobra!

Oh, I mean, John Spartan (Stallone).

He takes down and takes in Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes)...but all is not right.

Phoenix frames him for the accidental murder of the hostages and he's immediately thrown in cryo-prison.

Well, I guess we didn't really need to know the Character before he became a popsicle!

He's unfrozen in 2032 after Phoenix is unfrozen for a parole assessment and escapes thanks to some strange business.

Somehow one of Stallone's former Cops (Bill Cobbs) is still around...not that we met him earlier.

He's confused by so many things in this future, but mostly...

As it turns out, the Architect of the Utopia- a man named Cocteau- let Phoenix free.

Why?

He's evil, but also wants him to unravel society- in a single City, mind you- to let him take more power.

They outright steal the 'Can't harm his boss' thing from Robocop to boot.

He saves the bad guy- not Phoenix, to be clear- and is treated to the Film's biggest sponsor- Taco Bell.  Yo quiero dineros!

He learns that the bright, clean San Angeles (why not Los?) hides a city full of power and forgotten people (ostensibly led by Denis Leary- who uses an excuse to do some 1990's Leary Stand-Up Material)

Poor Stallone wants to hook up with his Partner- Sandra Bullock- but she will only have 'VR Sex' with him.

Many pieces of media are predictive, but pray that this one isn't...or else we're in for a rough 8 years!

Stallone makes peace with Leary, who is now targeted by Cocteau and thus his proxy Phoenix.

Along the way, we see...Jack Black?!?

After saving Leary, Stallone sees that Bullock can fight- since she studied Jackie Chan Films- so, naturally, he stuns her and does the final battle by himself.

He takes out the minions- including Jesse Ventura!- and battles Phoenix as he tries to thaw out all of the bad Prisoners.

In the End, he freezes him solid and kicks his frozen head of.

He's now changed society...somehow...because masculinity.  The End.

A Film that is very much 'of its time.'  For many people, that's a positive.  For others, it is a pretty big con.

For me, a Film that can age well is great.  Films like They Live, as an example, have relevant ideas and themes that extend past their decade of release.

This Film is very '90s.

In many ways, it is another attempt by Stallone to push his agenda not unlike Cobra was.  In both Films, HIS way is the right way and everyone needs to learn it.  This one is done with more humor- some that works, some that doesn't- but the point is still the same.

Somehow one Cop who was famous for blowing up buildings to stop bad guys is the architect of the future?  The future is boned!

In spite of the obvious issues, the Film has some fun moments, some amusing ideas and is far from the worst Stallone Film- even just from my group this Month- out there.

As a bonus, I slowed the 'VR Sex bit' (which is just random face shots with lighting) WAYYY down to get some shots.  One is good and one...is not.

You decide.

Next up, we begin October with a long overdue look at some Horror Remakes.  Shall we go to Texas or the Desert?  Stay tuned...

Leave Me Stallone: Judge Dredd

 If he's the Law, can I get some anarchy, please?

This is Judge Dredd, specifically the 1995 Film version.  I'm not a huge fan/follower of Judge Dredd.  I know how much this Film annoyed people though.

The Plot involves Dredd trying to maintain order in Mega City.  However, a hidden evil is released and he's targeted.  Can he save the day alongside a terrible Comedian?

Director Danny Cannon has had an interesting Career, directing Episodes for a number of Shows like Gotham, Shameless and CSI (often the Pilots).  In Film, he'd go on to make I Know What You Did Last Summer and Geostorm.

The Writing was done by William Wisher Jr (who co-wrote Films like T2 and The 13th Warrior) and Steven E. de Souza (who wrote/co-wrote Films like The Running Man, Die Hard and 48 Hours).

With so much talent, how did things go so wrong?

The Film begins with a long text crawl.  Joy.
At least it was narrated by James Earl Jones (RIP).

Basically, the World was mostly wrecked and people live in a series of Megalopolis'.  The compressed nature of this made crime go up, so Judges enact the law- usually at the end of a gun!

Is this too much to throw at people in the first few minutes?  Yes.

Anyhow, our Viewpoint Character is *#%^ me.... Rob Schneider.

We do see a quick glimpse at the Income Equality, but that's just in passing and never mentioned again.

Dredd- Stallone- is a famous Judge who is both a real know-it-all and a strict enforcer of the Law (LAAAAWWWW).

He doesn't care why you did something- he's going to send you to Jail...or just straight up kill you.

Deep in the building, a guy in power visits Hannibal Lecter...I mean, someone different.

He's a former Judge with a deep connection to our Hero.

He escapes, of course.

He steals some Judge gear and a gun and kills a Reporter (the bad guy from Halloween 6 and the stuffy Dad from Dharma & Greg).

He does so right in front of the guy's home security camera (accidentally prescient, Movie) and the guy helpfully yells out 'Dredd!' before he's shot.

A young Judge- Diane Lane?!?- defends him, but the case falls apart because the gun is literally coded to Dredd's DNA.

How did Armand Assante have it?!?

Dredd is sent to Prison and is put in the seat next to *sigh* Rob Schneider.

He sent him to jail what seems like days ago, so how are they both here at the same time?

Regardless, their ship is shot down and they kidnapped by cyborg cannibals led by Scott Wilson?!?

They escape and make it back to the City.

They get in through a vent that shoots flames every 30 seconds- why not?- and helpfully switches the angle of the flames.

You see, they are running towards it...and then it comes to them from behind...somehow.

In the City, Lane and a buddy realize that a picture of Dredd's family is fake and he's *dun dun dun* a Clone.

The Janus Project birthed him and Assante based on DNA from the Lead Judge (Max Von Sydow).  The latter is evil now.

Back in the City, our Heroes flee in just the most dated looking Hoverbike Chase.

Rob won't STFU the whole time, so, as punishment, I'm using this Screen Cap of him.

It all ends in a chaotic Finale.

Stallone vs. Assante!  Lane vs the barely used Joan Chen!  Rob Schneider vs. Comedy!

In the End, the Heroes win...but they are still down by about 60% of the Judges, so.... let's pose instead!

This Film is both a case of way too much Plot and also way too little.

The World requires simply too much building here and needs to be done by someone better.  The Writers have some great Resumes, but this isn't good.

So much dropping of information that people know to people that know it just for the Audience to be informed.

Why not have Dredd lecture some Students?  Given that the Plot involves Cloning, why not have the info uploaded to one?

This is a small positive I will say- this Plot (at its core) could work. 
The catch- it needs to be the 2nd Film.

Make a Film where we soft-establish things, we see Dredd in action with a simple villain with less personal motivations.  Let us see Dredd as he is and THEN bring in the personal villain and the 'everything you know is wrong' backstory.

When we learn it here, we barely know or care about him.

Positives- some genuinely neat Practical Effects (especially the Robot).  Good stuff hidden here.

On the infinitesimal chance that a Studio Head (or their Reader) sees this, make a Plot like this (with a Judge Death) as a Sequel to Dredd- you know, the Film that you already made and was great.

Otherwise, people will only know the Story from a Film with shots like this....

A final Stallone Film to cover.  This time, he WAS the Law and now he's back.  Yo quiero tres conchas de mar!

Should You Bother?: The Expendables- Extended Director's Cut

 I liked The Expendables when it came out in 2010.  It was a Film that knew what it wanted to be and was just that.

I've seen the 2nd and 3rd Films.  I'll see the 4th in time.

Hell, I own all 3 Films.

So, I was surprised as hell to find the Director's Cut sitting in a bin at a Thrift Store.  It was a thing?!?

Well, it is.  
It came out in 2011, released during Production of The Expendables 2.

This one is a bit complicated, but worth talking about...

A quick recap and then I can get into the meat of things...

The Expendables are a group of Mercenaries who take out bad guys.  They're a bit jaded, but take an assignment to help out an Island nation under a Military Coup...and the CIA.

They come in and save the day, growing as people and regaining some humanity in the process.

All yours now, Sly.

Should You Bother?

The big additions here are, get this, Character Moments.

Yes, in a Film like this.

Most of the new Content is about that, including showing a longer version of Statham's initial breakup with his girlfriend and having him talk about how it upsets him later as they explore the Island.

I've read some people say that this is annoying, but, let's be honest- we've all been around guys- and gals- like this.

Other Characters like Jet Li's Ying Yang (they all have codenames FYI) getting some time to talk here and a longer version of Toll Road (Randy Couture) talking about his past experiences.

He gets a nice monologue about his cauliflower ears and how they shaped him, which will surely run during his eventual Oscar Reel.

A small change, but a big one.

In the Theatrical Cut, we see Gunnar (Dolph Lundgren) hired by the bad guys to take out the group (after they fire him).

In the Extended Cut, we see how he got there- he stowed away on the Plane.

On top of that, HE offers them his services, not the other way around.

Mind you, he seems to die in both Cuts and then is just happily alive and back with the group at the End.

There are other changes here, like switching out Music Tracks to better fit the mood and using the Theme Song during the Climax.

Most of them, however, are very minute.

Simply put, Movies- unless you're Clint Eastwood Directing them- do multiple takes and pick the best (hopefully).

As such, nearly every Scene that isn't added is a slightly different take.

To give just one example, this is the Theatrical Cut...

...and the Extended Cut.

This is a Director's Cut after all, so he is just picking the takes that he preferred.

Verdict: Yes.

You can argue about whether he should have cut 'The Boys are Back in Town' from the Film and stuff like that, but honestly, this Version is what Sly wanted to make.

His Characters are more nuanced, have an Arc and are fully formed.

The Theatrical Cut is mostly there, but this is an improvement.

Leave Me Stallone: Assassins (1995)

 A Film brought to you by an unexpected combo- The Director of Superman- The Movie and the Writers of The Matrix.

No, really.

This is Assassins, a 1995 Film with, of course, Stallone as the Lead.  Richard Donner is at the helm and, yes, the Wachowskis did write this.
Granted- there were many rewrites done (by Brian Helegeland) and they were not happy!  Even so, their credit stuck.

The Plot involves an Assassin taking work when a rival shows up.  Is he the new target?
He's given one more assignment with a big payout and, yeah, you can see where this is going.

Can he stop his younger, cockier rival?  To find out, read on...

Robert Rath (Stallone) is an older (but not old- he's the Star!) Hitman.

He's given an assignment to take out a Mobster at his Brother's Funeral.

To reuse my joke from an old Seagal Film Review, 'this does save time, no?'

Before he can shoot the guy (using a gun hidden in a fake cast), another guy- Antonio Banderas- does it instead.

The pair have a shoot-out while the Cops clear the bystanders away.

Banderas is arrested, but kills the cops to escape.

Rath takes a $2 million dollar job to stop a Hacker from giving some Data to some Dutch Buyers.

She's Julianne Moore and dresses like a character in The Matrix.  That tracks.

However, Banderas is there too, killing the buyers (who were actually feds), but failing to catch her when Rath decides to protect her (and her cat).

I actually do like this Film, but I also love to laugh at old tech.

This computer gives them both their assignments (and leads to a reveal later).

Could you even run Quake on that thing?

He continues to target the duo, leading to lots of good and tense Action Scenes.  Hell, we even get a Poor Bastard of Cinema out of it maybe.

It all climaxes at her Apartment which Stallone blows up.

Banderas puts a table in front of the blast, falls out a second story window...and is fine.

After a failed attempt to stop them in Seattle, the climax takes place in Puerto Rico.

Banderas stalks Stallone outside of the same Bank where he killed his Russian Rival ten years prior.

Of course, Stallone has this as a trap for him too!

Who will come out on top?
I mean, you can probably guess, but I won't SPOIL it here.  The End.

A Stallone Film from this Ser that I like?  Is that possible?

Thanks to the talented people involved- on-camera and off- the Film is much better than I expected.  It doesn't try to be a Stallone Fantasy about Crime and it doesn't Cast him so against type that he just looks bored.

Banderas really brings the fresh energy to this, which is evident even later when he returns for The Expendables 3.  He's quite fun.

Don't get me wrong- it's not perfect.

For some reason, they have a Day of the Dead Festival taking place in Puerto Rico...which doesn't celebrate it nationally.  
It also gets a bit bloated as it goes from Act 2 to Act 3, which stands out in contrast to the tight pacing of the rest of the Film.

At worst, the Film is an Action Movie that revels in the silly aspects.  At best, it is a very good Action Movie with good Writing, Casting, Production Values and Direction.

Finally, a Film to close up this set that I don't want to flush.  No- bad kitty!

Next up, I recently bought another Stallone Film that is dying for a review.  Yo soy le ley!

Leave Me Stallone: The Specialist (1994)

 A Stallone Film that is very of its time for several reasons.

The Specialist is *sort of* based on a Series of Books about The Specialist. 
Is it based on one of the Books?  Nope.
It is just based on the idea of the Character from some Books- close enough!

The Plot involves Stallone as a Murder for Hire guy who works for Sharon Stone to get her some revenge.  She runs into trouble when she has to get close to her target to take him out.

There's a hint of the whole Erotic Thrillers (Basic Instinct, Sliver) that Stone got typecast in for a while.  Regardless of why, I'm glad she got out of them...in 2008.

This came at the point where Stallone was trying to get out of always playing a version of Rocky (last done in 1990) or Rambo (last done in 1988).  He sure did that until 2006 and 2008 respectively.

Is this Film as bad as people say?
Let's blow up a door and find out...

In 1984, Stallone and James Woods are doing a Commando mission to take out a bad guy.

The plan- blow up a bridge.

Things go wrong when he's driving with his family.  Stallone can't save them in time, but does beat up James Woods and quits the force.

In the Present (of 30 years ago), he's down in Miami.  He was hired by a woman- Stone- to kill the people that killed her family.

This would be a way different Movie if she was Bruce Wayne doing this, no?

She comes up with a foolproof plan- seduce the guy who killed her Parents to get him alone and take him out.

Again- did Bruce Wayne consider this plan over becoming Batman?

Throughout the First Act, the pair converse through taped conversations.  This is not super awkward at all.

The Plot also hinges upon Stallone being unrecognizable and blending in to his surroundings as he takes out the lower tier bad guys.

No, really.

He blows up a few with some well-placed bombs that only take out one guy...somehow.

He's a Specialist!

The 'Erotic Thriller' stuff is sprinkled in as one Scene features the pair talking to each other via tape as they work out.

They fall in love off-camera/out of eye sight, so naturally, they have sex in the shower when they first actually meet in person (after he thinks she was dead, to be fair).

I also haven't talked about the odd Casting here.  Rod Steiger and Eric Roberts both play Hispanic.

The Plot dumps a ton of twists- like Stone was actually working under duress for Woods- in the later Acts, plus we finally get some action.

It all ends with some big explosions and Steiger's death as our Heroes drive out of town listening to Gloria Estefan (because Miami).  The End.

There's an idea for a good Movie here, somewhere- honest!

I have not read the Books that 'inspired' this Film.  I have way too many right now to take on ANOTHER Book- thanks.  That said, the idea certainly has promise and I could see it working.

This Film suffers from people trying to play Characters they can't- Stallone-, have done too many times- Stone- or just shouldn't have- Steiger.

Honestly, as much as I dislike James Woods in real life, he's the best thing here.  The rumor is that Stallone got some of his Scenes cut.  Maybe- who knows?

If so, I can see why.

The Plot tries to be simmering with Stallone and Stone.  It is kind of boring.  They have no chemistry.

The Specialist is a Film that could absolutely work...with different people and done better.  Maybe stick to the Books.

He wrote these Books that 'inspired' the Film and also, no joke...

****

He's the Co-Writer here.

Next up, a Stallone Film that's...good?  Oh right, this is Richard Donner, so yea!  Stay tuned...