'00s Trash: The Island (2005)

 Another look back at a Film from my Movie Theater days and boy, does it...exist.

This is The Island, a 2005 Film made by Michael Bay.  This was the middle child between the Bad Boys Films and the Transformers ones.

It shows.

The Plot involves a small society of people living in a strange, artificial utopia.  It turns out to be way worse than they thought.

If you've seen Parts: The Clonus Horror, you know the drill.
If you Directed Parts: The Clonus Horror, you sued them over this Film.  I hope you enjoyed your undisclosed, 7-figure payout.

I have vague memories of this one from walking in and out of Auditoriums playing it for like a month.  I remember it being bright, loud and very bright.

To see if my memories are reliable, read on...

Ewan McGregor lives in what is basically a Utopia and a Prison at the same time.

His day and body are heavily regulated, but he's also safe from 'contamination.'

Why is he questioning this?

The escape from this place is Winning the Lottery and going to The Island.

The latest Winner is Michael Clarke Duncan, who appears in this one just enough to qualify as a Character and nothing more.

McGregor finds some joy with a fellow resident- Scarlet Johansson- but their 'proximity' is also regulated.

He tells the man who runs the Facility- Sean Bean- about his dreams and the details concern him.

He also has a friend - Steve Buscemi- who is not part of the Facility, but is an employee that cleans/maintains the place.

He can't reveal the truth, but he helps him keep question things.

That and he gives him a key.

Using the key, he sneaks into another part of the Facility and discovers two harsh truths.

The pregnant Resident gives birth and is then immediately killed by the Nurses!
Duncan is having an organ harvested, but he wakes up and tries to escape!

There is no Island and everyone here is just a bunch of Clones used for organ harvesting and the like.

We later see a picture of his double in a rare bit of subtlety.

Since Johansson has 'won the Lottery,' he breaks her out of the Facility.

She's hesitant, but fights with him when he's in danger.

They see the new...old World.

A Black Ops Agent- Djimon Hounsou- is hired to bring them back in.
If they see their other, all hell will break loose.

Bean has been breaking lots of laws doing this.

Lots of action and lens flares ensue, including this crash which would be recycled for Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

It turns out that Johansson's original is a Model in a coma with a kid.

McGregor's original is a Designer who needs his kidneys.
Even so, he trusts him to reveal the truth.

This, of course, doesn't happen and we get the biggest scale version of the Spot the Imposter Trope.

He tricks Hounsou into shooting the real one and plans to save the rest of the Clones.

Bean is going to destroy all of the recent Clones, since they are somehow gaining the memories of their originals.

They get back in and kill Bean. 
Yeah, he dies in this too.

With Housou's help, they free the Clones and live happily ever after.
...except for the real Johansson's Son, who is now alone and abandoned.

Did we forget to adopt the kid?

A Film that is full of very excess that you'd expect and a bit of Story (if there's time).

The Plot is pretty minimal here.  Our Leads get like 2 traits and that's it.
The Setting is meant to sound complicated, but it is really simple.

You're seeing this for the Action and there's plenty of it here.  Once they leave the Facility, it is practically non-stop.
The $126 million Budget is visible on-screen.

Also visible is every cliche that you'd expect from a Michael Bay.  This is pure, unrestrained Bay.

Spinning Cameras, Lens Flares, Dramatic Slow Pans of the Horizon, Steam from every Vent, Helicopter Shots.

If you play the Michael Bay Drinking Game, you will die!

21 years later, this is a pretty shallow Film that is a fascinating study of a Director unrestrained by Budgets and Producers.
That's basically it.

Super-duper Lens Flare!

Next time, I celebrate the next Post Milestone.  It's time to finally solve the mystery of...the Zodiac Killer!  Stay tuned...

'00s Fun?: Scary Movie (2000)

 With a sixth Movie out now (as of time of writing), why not go back to the first one?

This one is also called Scary Movie, which makes sense- it's the first one.

Given how much of Scream 6 they seem to be parodying in the new one (and 5 was the one without no number in the Title), why not just have the 2026 version be Scary Movie 6?

I know that I'm thinking about this way more than anyone should.

In any event, this Parody Film is the combination of 2 different Parody Scripts both licensed by Miramax- Last Summer I Screamed Because Halloween Fell On Friday The 13th (by the Wayans Brothers) and Scream If You Know What I Did Last Halloween (by Friedberg and Seltzer).

The Wayans Brothers claim that NOTHING was used from the latter- they had 2 more Writers also work on the final product- but Friedberg and Seltzer are still credited (and marketed their terrible, Parody Films on this merit).

This was the big break for Anna Farris, who was supposedly about to leave Hollywood before Cast.
Jon Abrahams (who plays the Skeet Ulrich role) would actually end up in a handful of *actual* Horror Films following this, including the House of Wax and Friday the 13th Remakes.

The big question- does this hold up at all?  Are the topical jokes still good?  Were they then?

To find out, read on...

The Film features a Cold Open with Carmen Electra (like Scream). 
The Actress would go on to be in two of the '____ Movie' Series Films. 
Joy.

The actual Opening proper features Farris as Cindy in basically a shot-for-shot redo of Sydney's, just with jokes about an electric fence to protect her virginity and apparently her Dad being a drug mule (who vanishes until Act 3).

The School is aflutter as Cheri Oteri (as Courtney Cox) is exploiting the death (and causing one of her own, with zero consequences) for Ratings.

We meet our group of Leads, including a peak fame Shannon Elizabeth and Regina Hall...who was just in the Film that won Best Picture this year?!?

Life is sometimes crazier than fiction.

They all share a secret of killing this Fisherman guy.

It is I Know What You Did Last Summer, but with the joke being that he wasn't actually dead when they tossed him into the Ocean.

This also stops mattering before Act 2.

The killer is still on the loose, taunting Cindy in her House.

Unfortunately, he's terrible at hiding.
That's the joke.

In what is arguably the most dated joke (and this Film has about 500 that could apply), the killer calls Marlon Wayans' Shorty (whose sole joke is He Loves to Smoke Pot) and it turns into the Wassup Commercial.

There are way too many of these out there.

Shannon sees her boyfriend- Guy who randomly appears in everything Lochlyn Munro- killed during her Talent Contest.

In spite of that, she's not scared of the same killer the next day and just sasses them until her head is cut off.  Huh?!?

Cute background joke, at least.

Oteri's Reporter pops up a few times throughout the Film, but stops appearing after she tries to interview the killer while he's working.

She runs into the Woods and they parody The Blair Witch Project for 10 seconds...and that's it.

I guess see you in the new one?

The Cast is whittled down through various parodies- as well as a random fat girl at a Party.

We get the reveal with Not Skeet and Shawn Wayans, but they are then killed by the (I guess) other killer.

This leads to the most famous part of the Film- the Matrix parody.

The killer escapes- knocked out a window and vanishing like Michael Meyers- and Cindy still can't figure things out.

We then get a *timely* parody of The Usual Suspects and learn that Doofy (the 'mentally challenged' parody of David Arquette's Character) was just pretending.

He ditches his disguise and drives away.
Cindy is then hit by a bus, but she'd return for Scary Movie 2-4 and now 6.
The End.

I definitely don't love this as much as teenaged me did.
To be fair, that guy wasn't exactly in love with it either.  I didn't actually own the Films until 2026 (in a 3-pack for $3).

So many of the jokes are just the same idea done over and over again. 
You get stuff like 'Ray is obviously Gay' about 30x and 'Shorty loves Pot' about 42x.

The other random sight gags fight for time and are, honestly, usually better than the standby jokes.

An odd bit was apparently cut between the Theatrical and Video release. 
A joke about Gwyneth Paltrow (while Hall is seeing Shakespeare in Love) was deemed 'too mean' by everyone's favorite Producer Harvey Weinstein and changed in ADR.

2026 me has to remember that this was made for a 2000-era audience that had just seen 3 Scream Films and 2 IKWYDLS Films. 
Also, that jokes about people being high, a jock being gay and Doofy being, well, what he was considered the funniest things in the World.

To be nice, this one's Plot is a bit less scattershot than the 525,600 Parody Films to follow (like Epic Movie cutting from a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Scene to a Superman Returns Parody).
They joke about not having a Plot, but sort of try here.

If you're into the raunchier humor and don't mind stuff that's just gross for grossness' sake, this still is worth a look.
As long as all of the Cameos don't feature now dead people.  Right, Prince Parody and...

RIP James Van Der Beek

Next up, let me jump back to the 1990s and over to Japan.  Is this iconic Anime Film as I good as I remember it being over 20 years ago?  Stay tuned...

'00s Trash: Doom (2005)

 In 2025, Karl Urban will Star in his 2nd Video Game Film (Mortal Kombat 2).  Why has it been 20 years since the last one then?

Today's Film is Doom, specifically the 2005 Film version.  
I saw this in Theaters.  Did you?
Don't be shy- we all make mistakes.

Like the Game Series, this one lasted in limbo for a while as an idea that just couldn't come to fruition.  Different Writers, Directors and Actors were attached.

Finally, Doom 3 came out and did huge.  The Film was based mostly on that (with liberal helpings of Aliens and others).

So why was it a flop?  Was my $7 not enough?

The Film, as mentioned, features Karl Urban and one of the last Films to have 'The Rock' in its credits, as he switched to his real name by the time Southland Tales came out.

Why did this fail?  Let's find out...

In the Cold Open, a bunch of Scientists are killed by an unseen thing/creature.

The head guy is Dr. Carmack.
Get it?  Get it?!?

A bunch of Marines are sent in to figure out what happened.

That involves teleporting to Mars via floating goo.

I have no questions about that whatsoever.

The group is made up of pretty basic Stock Characters.

Lead Guy (Urban), Leader (Rock), New Guy (who'd end up on Grantchester), Sassy Guy, etc.

Rock tries to talk Urban out of going, but he does anyways.
It wouldn't be much of a Film if he didn't.

As it turns out, the Lead Archaeologist is Urban's Sister (Rosamund Pike).

They spend the next 20+ minutes wandering around the dark facility to establish things.

Too bad you can't really see shit.

Along the way, the Stoic Veteran is killed and tensions run high.

What is killing people there?!?

Oh and The Rock might be going a little bit crazy.

Once he finds the Weapons Lab, he's drawn to the BFG (Basically Functional Gun- right?).

His mini-arc is getting his hands on it, which involves getting, well, someone else's hand to open the biometric locks.

They slowly figure out that the people are being mutated into Monsters by way of experimentation and said creatures spreading the infection.

More dead meats die, including the future Night King and Not Bill Duke from Predator.

Despite the Film being set in 2046 on Mars, this advanced lab still uses CRT monitors that you can swing like a flail! 

FYI for some reason, my friends and I found this bit hilarious at the time and I still remember it nearly 20 years later.

Things get worse as Rock goes full-on evil, kills the Rookie and is seemingly devoured by the mob (a la Day of the Dead).

Urban is wounded, so his Sister gives him the formula (which gives you a 24th Genomic Strain) to save him.

After 90 minutes, we finally get the famous First Person Sequence.

It is about a minute longer on the Unrated Cut here.  It is still too short.

The final battle comes down to Urban and Rocky (who didn't die). 

The two have Alien Infection Powers (a la T-Virus mutations in the Resident Evil Films).

Urban eventually blows up Rock and escapes with his Sister.

The End.

A Film that should have really focused more on the Plot and actually lighting its Scenes instead of just saying 'F**k' a few dozen more times.

This Film is pretty dumb.
To be fair, they borrow wholesale from Doom 3 in many ways, so blame that.

Mind you, that Game is not known for its Plot...so maybe write a better one.

As noted, this is the Unrated Cut, which means a bit more blood and swearing.  Little bits of Characterization are added and one sight gag is paid off.

We learn that early attempts to teleport failed, as noted by a Scientist missing his legs.  In the Theatrical Cut, we just kind of figure out what that means.
In the Unrated Cut, a pair of CGI legs hit the floor.  Hilarity ensues.

There are good, or at least fun, moments here. 
The Rock nails his 'going crazy' Arc nicely. 
The creatures look good (reminding me a bit of The Lair later).
Pike does her best with the material.

Ultimately, the Film does just enough fan service- like the BFG- to appease a small amount of the base, but not much more.
After all, they didn't pay to see it in 2005.

Now then, time to get back to my CrossFit Session...

Next up, maybe I'll watch something classier to cleanse my palette.  Any '70s Movies in the pile perhaps?  Stay tuned...

Fiction vs. Fiction: Hannibal (2001)

 Before you ask, 'No, I haven't read the Book in the time since I wrote about The Trench.'

That said, the Wiki on the Book is very thorough and, well, I'm either going to do this now or never.

Hannibal was released in 1999 and the Film followed in 2001.

As noted in my Review, the Film was rewritten over 15 times to coax Jodie Foster back.
When you read about the Book, you'll know why she said 'no' and why this was required in the first place.

Let's take one last bite out of...

***VS***

What's the Same?

The core Story remains unchanged here.  

The big moments- like the Dinner Scene and the Hanging- are in both.

It's still about Hannibal being hunted, taking out his hunters and confronting Clarice once again.

What happens when they interact at the end...is a bit different in the Film.

What's Different?

In the Book, Lecter returns to a Home that he somehow rented under a fake name.  On top of that, he got plastic surgery to disguise himself.

In the Film, he goes to Krendler's House and wears a hat sometimes.
He lures her to the House in the Book but takes her there himself in the Film.

In the Book, he fixates on Clarice Starling now as she reminds him of his dead Sister.  She'd be a key part in Hannibal Rising, which wouldn't be written until 2006 (which was only done to appease Dino DeLaurentiis).

His plan is to brainwash her, remove her personality and make her into a version of his Sister.  Gross.

Speaking of gross, Verger's Assistant in the Book is his muscle-bound, lesbian Sister named Margot.  She wants his...essence to create a child with her lover, since she's infertile. 
I misread who the recipient would be at first, which was obviously much grosser.

He has a put-upon Doctor in the Film.

Verger has Barney (the Guard) working for him as well in the Book.  He's gone by Act 1 of the Film, simply selling Lecter merchandise and being told off by Starling.

Verger is killed by the Pigs he trained to possibly eat Lecter. 
In the Book, well, how can I say this nicely?  He has an unpleasant thing put in one end of him and a different, also unpleasant thing put in the other end of him.
Also, his Sister takes the sample from this.  Gross.

Here's where things get *really* controversial...

In the Book, Starling falls for Lecter (after he lets her talk to the exhumed skeleton of her Father!!!!), offering to be his lover if he lets her personality stay intact.  He accepts and they live happily ever after in Buenos Aires, funded by Margot.

In the Film, Lecter cuts off his hand to escape the handcuffs put on him by Starling.  They don't live happily ever after.

Final Thoughts

I'm not upset by most of these changes.  Can you blame me?

After watching the Film, I was annoyed by how it all played out.  I had to read what happened in the Book.
It's worse- it's so much worse.

Yes, Film Starling loses all agency in Act 3, with the simple act of putting the cuffs on to do a thing for her.  It's disappointing.
Book Starling goes off to live with the Cannibal Murderer and abandons her entire life.  It's character assassination.

Dino De Laurentiis supposedly knew that Jodie Foster would turn this down after reading the Book in 1999.  She genuinely expressed interest in doing another Film as Starling as late as 1997.

I did read that parts of this were adapted- with many changes- in Hannibal on NBC.  I still haven't watched it.
Given that it covers everything BUT Silence of the Lambs (due to rights issues), I'll have to someday.  Maybe once we're past November.
That and the Book version of Hannibal Rising, which I already own.

For now, I'm done with 'the late, great Hannibal Lecter' for a while.  

Skip the Book.
Skip the Film- just less, I guess?

Forgotten Sequels: Hannibal (2001)

Trump keeps bringing up Hannibal Lecter.  I need to get rid of this DVD.
It's a win-win!

2001's Hannibal was the long-delayed Sequel to The Silence of the Lambs based on the 1998 Book of the same name.  The Film allegedly had around 15 Rewrites in order to convince Jodie Foster to return.

So now Julianne Moore is playing 'Clarice Starling.'
By the way, does anyone remember the 2021 Show about her?  It was only 3 years ago.
Nobody?

The Film tells the tale of Clarice as an FBI Agent and Lecter's vacation in Italy.  Is it a coincidence that Dino De Laurentiis held the rights to these stories and Thomas Harris set the Book there?

To see how over a dozen rewrites can't make you great, read on...

In 2001, a rich guy- Gary Oldman disguised as a wad of chewed up gum- is a rich guy obsessed with Lecter, buying stuff from the Guard.

For what it is worth, Frankie Faison got THREE paychecks out of this role, coming back for the Prequel.

Meanwhile, Starling is an FBI Agent leading a raid to take out a drug dealer.

One of the Cops blows things, leading a few Agents to be killed and the Dealer is shot while her baby was strapped to her.

She did nothing wrong, so...

She's publicly shamed for it, with actual News Coverage of this FBI Raid.

Remember how this happens all of the time today- News Coverage of FBI Raids.
Yes, I know that this is based on Waco, but the Book came out 5 years later and this Film 8 years later.

Over in Italy, famous wanted killer Hannibal Lecter is an Art Dealer and Lecturer.

Nobody can tell it is him because he wears this hat.

In the Book, he has plastic surgery, but they didn't bother here.
Enough Book talk- that's for another Article.

Barely a thing happens in the first hour here as we get an Italian Detective (who else- it's Giancarlo Gianini) tries to prove it is Lecter (he's not blind, so...).

To find out that he's the real deal, he looks up the FBI's Ten Most Wanted List and... this sure will be awkward later in 2001, no?

Oldman and his ally Krendler (Ray Liotta) get Starling in trouble by writing a fake Lecter letter (because nobody could figure that out).

In Italy, Lecter realizes that Gianini is working for Oldman and kills him.  He only foreshadowed it so much that it was literally blocking out the Sun.

Lecter escapes to America- traveling internationally as a Wanted Criminal is super easy, barely an inconvenience- and taunts Clarice some more, before he's grabbed by Oldman's men.

She rescues him, but is then hit by an invisible bullet (the guy fell dead and somehow he also shot?).

Bye, agency!

Earlier, we saw him break into Liotta's House and spook his dog into silence.  Symbolism much?

He convinces the Doctor to kill Oldman and leaves with Starling.

She awakens in a dress (ew!) and with her impossible wound closed.
She's drugged still and taken to a famous Dinner Scene.

FYI SNL parodied this with Liotta in 2003.  It's mysteriously NOT on YouTube.

He tries to seduce her (double ew!) and she cuffs herself to him.

He pulls out a large blade and...escapes?

I guess he cut his hand off and got on ANOTHER flight.  He'll return in...nothing.  The End.

Sir Anthony Hopkins.
Sir Ridley Scott.
(Not Sir) Thomas Harris.

How could it all go so wrong?!?

To begin with, the Story is not great.  It is all about how amazing Lecter is and how out of sorts Starling is.  People conspire to hurt her, and she struggles to survive.  People conspire to kill him, and he thrives, always 5 steps ahead.
I can see why Foster and Demme turned this down.

Lecter was always a male Mary Sue (Harry Stu?).  Things didn't change here.  They got worse!

The pacing is the biggest killer here as Scott is way more interested in how to frame Scenes than he is to make interesting ones.  It takes a good hour for a big moment to happen.  Said moments are telegraphed so far in advance that I read them in 1991!

The Film also went out of its way to be extra gross and disturbing.  Mind you, that's still nothing on the Book- again, more on that later.  One of them is memorable- I'll grant you that- but so is, for instance, the 'R*pe Scene from Cannibal Holocaust and that wasn't really necessary either.

This is excess in its truest sense and it even goes out of its way to mess with past Films.  Remember the shocking description of the 'Nurse being attacked' from Lambs?
Well, they show it, taking away the ability to visualize it as truly horrific in your mind's eye.

Joy.

At last, I can put Hannibal Lecter to bed...unless I cover the TV Show.  Not yet- let's go back to the '80s.  Stay tuned...