The Human Buffet: Feast III

Well, most of the group is dead...again. They're still trying to get out of Dodge, but hope is pretty slim. Since this is a horror film, I'm sure they'll be fine in...

Feast III: The Happy Finish

The movie opens with a quick recap of the violent deaths from the end of 'Feast II,' including a midget being torn in half and a man getting a pipe shot through his head. To top it all off, the monsters kill Honey Pie. In a bit of the movie's 'humor,' we see the monster knock her head off, eat it and crap it out. Thanks, movie.

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After their last attempt to get inside the sheriff's office failed, the second midget does the old cartoon trick of walking with a trash can over his head. It pretty much works, as well as any plan works in a 'Feast' movie. They all make it inside, including the man with a new 'head pipe.' He actually lives throughout most of the movie. Go figure.

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During a desperate moment, a new hero arrives called- seriously- S#!tkicker. He gives them words of wisdom and assures the group that everyone will survive. Anyone that read my review of the original Feast knows what is going to happen. Yeah, he dies, this time in a random accident with a gun. That's only clever once, movie!

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The group makes it outside anyways and gets to a bus. That turns out to be a red herring, however, as it runs out of gas in about twenty seconds. They are saved by a robed prophet who turns out to be...well, I won't spoil it. Sufficed to say, it is worse than the reveal in Crimson Rivers II: Angels of the Apocalypse. On his advice, they flee into the sewers. Now it gets really bad.

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The film is barely watchable at this point- and I don't mean because of the bad writing, characters and humor. You can't see most of what happens, save for a few times when a new character lights the way with glowing bottles. Man, I wish I was joking. While this effect is probably realistic, it is also annoying as crap.

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A couple new people are introduced, including a kung-fu expert called- seriously- Jean-Claude Seagal. He gets slowly killed by monsters for being stupid. In fact, most of them get killed. Only the car salesman's girlfriend, the second midget and, shockingly, the Bartender make it to the other side. This leads us to the most pointless, stupid and ridiculous ending since Blood Freak: a giant robot comes out and crushes the girl and the midget. He walks off- only being shown once due to budget constraints- and a lone mariachi singer begins to sing a song about the plot of the movies. Shoot me now.

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Yeah, I can't reccomend this movie. Not only does the dark humor fall flat even more, the characters feel even more stilted and the action feel lazier, but you can't see most of the last half of the film. It reminds me of another terrible movie- Monster A-Go-Go. Like that movie, the ending killed any semblance of enjoyability. It takes talent to kill a movie series so quickly and definitively. Good job, Mr. Gulager. May you never work again.

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Let's take a week-long journey into the Macabro. Stay tuned...

The Human Buffet: Feast II

When we last left our heroes...well, most were dead. A couple survived and went into town. Little did they know that trouble would follow them in...

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds

The film begins with an angry biker lady showing up and dragging the Bartender by force. See, I told you that he would be back. They arrive in town and discover that the monsters are there too. But, before we get to that, let's introduce eighteen new characters.

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Yeah, that narrative pretty much grinds to a halt for about twenty minutes or so there. Basically, you get two midget key-makers, a used car salesman, his wife, her lover, the sheriff, the town drunk and numerous other corpses. They give a small role to Tom Gulager, who is the brother of the director and the son of 'The Bartender.' Do we have enough Gulagers in the movie yet?

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Finally, once the gang gets into town, they do battle with the monsters, who are finally visible in broad daylight. Wow, there's no way they can ruin this.

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What follows is lots of dark humor (including the wrestlers' mother slowly decaying from monster acid) and bodily fluid scenes. A nearly ten minute scene involves our surviving heroes doing an autopsy on one of the monsters. Why? Good question. If you ever wanted to see people get pissed on by a giant, latex monster, this is your movie though. We also get a scene where the Bartender beats the snot out of Honey Pie (the blood-soaked waitress) because she left him for dead. It's not like he was lying on the ground dead with his throat ripped out. Oh wait, he was.

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The biggest problem with the movie is the plot. The Biker Queen and her companions want to kill Balthazar Getty's character for using the Biker lady as a bomb in the last movie. Sounds plausible, right? So what is the payoff? Um...there is none. Other than the drunk being beaten up for being the guy's uncle, we get nothing. Mr. Getty was too busy to make this movie, I guess. So a gross movie with no payoff to the story. Well, it can't get any worse. Hold on...

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After numerous outdoor scenes, the movie stages the last twenty minutes or so on the roof of a building. This is accomplished by the worst green screen effect since the last cable access commercial you've seen. 'The Soup' is more convincing. They could not shoot on an actual roof after the dozen or so scene shot outside earlier? Oh, that and the movie ends in mid-battle. What is this- Shaolin vs. the Evil Dead?

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This movie could have been really good. Instead, they lost what little subtlety they had and made a Troma film. While I like actually seeing the monsters, I did not need to see their monster genitals and internal organs. I could have lived without that, Mr. Gulager. 'Feast II' disappoints as it impresses. That is a curious achievement in fimmaking. If you see want to see really bad filmmaking, check out the sequel...to the sequel.

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More giant, ugly monsters and uglier people. Stay tuned...

The Human Buffet: Feast

A man had a dream- to make a gory, old-school horror film. Thanks to Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's 'Project Greenlight,' he got his chance. Things got complicated for him when his producers- the Weinstein brothers- split from the Miramax company. What would happen to his film now?!?

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Well, it came out and they made two sequels. Since I just watched the 'finale,' you get to know about them. Let's begin today with...

Feast

The film begins simply enough with a bunch of people in a bar. Name captions and descriptions pop up for them, giving you the first clue that this movie is going to be a bit different.

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The casting is also unique, mixing Jason 'Jay' Mewes, Balthazar 'I'm only famous for my affair' Getty and Krista 'Forget that I used to do porn' Allen. It also stars Judah Friedlander, who most people know as the fat guy who wears the funny hats on '30 Rock' and alt-rocker-turned-host Henry Rollins. The other interesting bit of casting is Clu Gulager, who is the father of the director. You'll see a lot of him.

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The movie starts off fast and furious, with a tiny creature breaking in and killing off a couple notable cast members. They finally lock it up and shoot it to death. Unfortunately, they learn that it was only a baby and the parents are outside. A hero...called Hero shows up and says that they will make it out alive. He is promptly killed 'Deep Blue Sea'-style by a monster. Fortunately for them, a second one- his girlfriend- shows up a little later and manages to live past her speech.

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Things never really slow down too much and for too long. Some people get messed up bad while many others die. The film's dark humor is prevalent throughout. Part of the finale involves a plan that most people would despise in real life. They tie one of the dead women to a plank and cover her in explosives. She is sent out to lure them over to their death. Two problems: she is not dead and the bomb is not too reliable. The lady wakes up in time for the beasts to go 'Law & Order: SVU' on her for a while before they finally get the explosive to work.

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The survivors escape and live happily ever after. Or do they?!? Well, there is a sequel, so the answer is 'no.'

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'Feast' is hard to recommend to a casual audience. It is dark, strangely-funny and full of gore. The tone alternates strangely from fear to sight-gag-related humor throughout. A more experienced filmmaker would have balanced it better. Despite all that, it has a weird charm to it. You can do worse than 'Feast.' Of course, you'll learn that soon enough.

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More 'Feast' to come. Stay tuned...