My Crazy Youth: The Time That H.G. Wells Wouldn't Let 'Lois & Clark' Consummate Their Marriage

 I spent a whole $1 on this DVD set, so let's get some content out of it!

Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman was the first Superman program I saw- for better or worse.

Thankfully, the Animated Series came out soon after to amp things up.

So, this is Season 4 (aka the Final Season), so let's pick out a good Episode.

This one has H.G. Wells...and a Sorcerer?  I'm in!

In 'Soul Mates,' the duo are finally married (after many delays) and now they are ready for a Super Honeymoon.  What could go wrong?

If you guessed 'H.G. Wells shows up,' then you...probably read the Title.

Also you're a bit weird in the head.

Anyhow, he's actually a recurring Character, first showing up in Season 2 and 3.  He'd actually appear once more this Season.

Anyhow, he tells them that Lois will die of a rare disease if she and Clark, well. consummate their marriage.
See- that weird Title wasn't a lie OR exaggeration.

He uses his Time Machine to send all 3 of them back to a past time where the curse- which causes the illness to appear upon consummation- was first placed.

This really is a Silver Age story- just without the consummation.

This version of Time Travel places them in their past bodies- he hand waves away the fact that Superman was born on Krypton, so don't ask- but he's in his own.

I guess his past self didn't exist then?

This puts Clark in the body of a Copyright Free Version of Robin Hood/The Scarlet Pimpernel and Lois as, well, Damsel in Distress.

They theorize that Tempus- also a recurring Character who would show up TWICE more this Season- put the curse on Lois after he lost her hand in marriage.

As such, Clark throw the fight and they return home...to find that Tempus is now King.

If you're wondering how the hell that makes sense, join the club.  Something something evil winning or whatever.

They travel to a more recent time- the Old West.

Clark is another Hero in Disguise (they lamp shade it TBF) and Lois is...another Damsel in Distress.
Sigh.

This time they actually stop Tempus, as well as creating a Causality Paradox when they set up Present Day Jimmy with a girl who he was married to 'in a past life.'

The day is saved and Wells leaves (to return in 11 Episodes as a different Actor).

The pair finally get to get busy as the Episode ends.

That was weird.  That was really weird.

This Episode has...
1) Time Travel
2) A random Sorcerer
3) Past Life Regression

Superman Comics would get pretty weird back in the Silver Age- like when Superman made sure that the Indians sold New York to White Folks or when he lost his virginity to a girl who turned out to be brainwashed by a robot- but this is 1997.

Yes, he's still an Alien that flies and has super powers.  That's pretty standard.

The whole Plot is actually a riff on a different DC Character duo- Hawkman and Hawkgirl.

Their continuity is a mess, but if you just go by the versions from DC's Legends of Tomorrow, you're good.  So, it sure is weird to see Superman and Lois in their exact story, no?

If you want a silly, but fun Episode, this one is it.  I guess they just figured the younger kids were old enough now to see an Episode all built around the conflict of 'Superman and Lois can't have sex unless they stop a villain.'

By the way, if Wells here looked familiar (FYI that Shot I took is also his IMDB Profile Pic), then you likely know him from this...

As I said, it is pretty silly fun, even if the whole conflict could be awkward to explain to your kids.  

Just tell them about the birds and the planes...I mean, bees before this.

Quick Reviews: Vendetta (2015)

Another WWE Films Production?  Well, at least this one has one of the Superstars playing the Villain.  Will this be a Big disappointment?

A Detective (Dean Cain) and his Partner catch a criminal (Big Show) and his brother.  Nothing can go wrong with this set-up!

Three Months Later, he gets free and kills Cain's wife.  To rip off Identity Crisis, she's also pregnant!

Legal Question- what career Criminal is released within hours of the charges being dropped?  Isn't there some sort of process to file the paperwork?

Cain makes a big decision- become a killer himself (taking out Show's brother) and gets himself sent into Prison to take out Show.

Simple question- why not just become a Guard?  #WWTBBMD (What Would The Big Bossman Do?)

Now in Prison, Cain must fight to survive!

Well, more accurately, he must hunt down and kill the people that attacked him earlier- just in case they might try it again, I guess.

How does this play into the twisted machinations of the Warden?  I mean, he's obviously-evil.  Just look at this guy...

The Big Show runs this joint (like a less-talented Vincent D'onofrio) and will get what he wants!

Who wins?  Who loses?  Who dies?  To find out, watch the Film.

Mean, brutal stuff- and that's just the Writing!  Zing!  All jokes aside, this is a dark, dark Film.  Men are shot.  Men are stabbed.  Men are choked out.  Men are left to bleed out.  They don't even get the courtesy of having their blood stored in several matching jars either!  The whole thing is just plain mean!  Cain's Character has a good reason to get a little angry and he has some things happen that give him an 'out.'  That said, he goes out of his way to do mean things or do things that he doesn't have to do in order to get his revenge.  Revenge- the most fruitless of goals.  I can't really put myself in his place for a number of reasons, but I find it hard to condone his actions at a certain point.  For me, he passes past being a dark Hero and just kind of being a murdering asshole.  There are very few people who don't either cross into that territory or just start out that way.  You know what happens to those people?  They get killed!  The Film was Directed by the Soska Sister and you can tell.  We can always imagine worse things than most Filmmakers can show us, so why revel in how bloody you can make the dying wife's face or how bloody you can make a pillow?   The bottom line- Vendetta is a dark, sometimes ugly Film that doesn't really have a message.  If you like Action Films in Prison, this is one of them.  I will note that I expected to catch them using the wrong Flag in the Film, but they actually didn't!  Mind you, they actually filmed it in Canada, but the mild compliment stands...

On the surface, nothing special.  Underneath the surface, a Film that wallows in excessive violence.

TV Deathmas: Breakaway

Everything that is old is new again...but also old.  Today's film is Breakaway, another film that I've been sitting on for months.  I discovered it while collecting films for Dean Cain Week, but avoided it for obvious reasons.  Now tis the season to rip it a new one.  The film's plot is essentially Die Hard.  Now I joked in my Teaser that Firetrap was also a Die Hard rip-off.  That's not entirely true, as its film that I would say is *inspired* by the 1988 classic.  It made Cain a robber and added the Disaster Film element in place of the Terrorist/Criminal element to a certain extent.  This one is freaking Die Hard!  Cain is a Cop and his wife is working on Christmas Eve in a building overrun by criminals trying to steal the safe.  What they changed is the location, setting it in a Mall.  Mind you, the film barely plays with this idea and you only ever see about a dozen people in it.  It does make some good use of the Stores as set-pieces though, I will say that.  This one also adds a schmaltzy element to the story, giving the villain a motivation for robbing the place.  His nice-guy-turned-bad routine wavers a bit though, as he threatens to kill many people to get the money.  Even with all of that said, this is probably the most competent film I've seen for this week's reviews though.  To see if this film is cheery or a Grinch, read on...

Cain is a Chicago Cop on a sting operation in, I guess, Chinatown.  As they watch an arms deal go down, things couldn't possibly go wrong.

 I'm just kidding- of course, they do!  A bunch of people get shot, including some well-to-do Restaurant Owner.  Oh and this car blows up without a trace of fire.

While our hero gets suspended (since the guy complained to the Mayor), the evil Eric Roberts and his gang go to rob a Mall on Christmas Eve.  Why?  Because his daughter needs an operation that costs $250,000!

Holy crap, you could buy a new daughter for that- and they'd throw in a free Toaster!

As movie convenience would have it, Cain's wife- Erika Eleniak...again- works at the Mall and he's in there too to apologize.  You see, they had a fight over money, since he's not working and her Baywatch money ran out years ago.

Cain proceeds to take out the henchman like in Die Hard, but they do find time to advertise a Jet Li movie though.  Good cross-promotion!

In a bit that bugs me, our hero has to battle two brothers that are explosives experts.  The elder one is killed by his own grenade after he gets shot by Cain.  The guy freaks out and says 'You killed him.'

Um...no, he didn't.  Not really.

In a twist that everyone saw coming, Cain's partner is working with the bad guys.  Meanwhile, I'm too distracted by that over-sized gun magazine and can't process anything.  Holy shit- how many bullets does that hold?!?

 The climax takes place in the sewers beneath the Mall in Chicago.  Not to be picky, but those should be WAY dirtier than that.

Roberts dies, but all turns out well in a Christmas sort of way, as Cain and Eleniak pay for the daughter's surgery.

 This is sweet and all, but you're talking about blood money.  This guy tried to kill you and...you're just ignoring me now, aren't you?  Fine.  The End.

It's beginning to look a lot like Die Hard.  The film is not bad.  Let me just get that out of the way.  If you can get past the fact that it's a Made-for-TV rip-off of Die Hard with C-List Stars, you can enjoy it.  It's a lot to accept- I know.  I've had to accept much sillier and worse things than this, but other people may not be as generous.  The film doesn't hit a lot of unique notes, but it does hit them well.  It's not likely to become part of your Christmas tradition.  That said, there are a shit ton of WORSE Christmas films out there, whereas this one falls somewhere in the middle.  If nothing else, it has a mixed message for all of you out there who may not all celebrate the same holiday...

Up next, a film that I've been hanging onto for many, many months.  Will another

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Futuresport

There are certain characters in films that fill certain roles.  Some characters are heroes.  Some characters are villains.  Other characters are just there to be inspiring, which will make their deaths more meaningful.  This one is the latter...

The Coach from Futuresport is not a major character per se.  He shows up to give Cain advice- like getting his head out of his ass- but that's about it.

When Cain sets up the important game to determine who owns Hawaii- sorry, but that still makes me laugh-, the Coach comes on board.  I can't see where this is going, can you?

Sure enough, the Coach is killed by, um, a spider-robot thing.  I don't know- just go with it.

To be fair, this death is not entirely-pointless for the plot.  It drives Snipes to turn against the bad guys.  Him working with them in the first place was just stupid, so all this does is fix a stupid thing.

Next up, another animal joins the Poor Bastards of Cinema ranks.  Will this kitty's death have a point?  Stay tuned...

Dean Cain Week: Max Havoc- Ring of Fire

No, it's no an April Fool's Day Joke that these are late.  They just are.

Max Havoc is a film series that most people either don't know about or don't care about.  It stars Mickey Hardt, a Swiss man who has only made two films here.  Those films- the Max Havoc films.  Unless you're into every random kung-fu movie out there, you'll not know the guy.  Hell, I am and I still barely know the guy.  Will the second film help things?  Dean Cain is here as the villain, a role he plays very rarely.  The result- I still didn't care all that much.  I watched it, so I might as well review it.  Read on, I guess...

The first thing you'll notice is that this movie is really dark.  I thought my TV was acting up when I watched it, but this is how my screenshots on the PC came out too.

Cain is a Hotel Owner who is hosting a Tennis Player to do a Photo-Shoot.  Despite being an Action Sports Photographer in the last film, Max Havoc is hired for this glamour shot job...

As random, impossible chance would have it, Havoc and Cain's character had a fight at one point, but it ended inconclusively.  That's...unnecessary, movie.

Havoc helps a local nun- Rae Dawn Chong- fight off thugs who want to take over.  I hope you like barely-being able to see the action...

The main kid at the Center has a brother in the gang of thugs.  Correction- he HAD a brother in the gang of thugs.  Want to guess who killed him?

It was Cain, duh!  He splits his time between leading a bunch of thugs to lower property values of the area before he buys the land and trying to romance the Tennis star.  His rival, naturally, is Havoc.

*

This, of course, is completely unimportant.  This movie couldn't fill out one plot, so they put in a second one.  Yea.

By the way, Martin Kove is in this movie.  He has about two scenes before Cain kills him.  That's...good?

The whole film has built up to this moment: Hardt vs. Cain.  It's a Duel for the Ages!  What Ages, I don't know.

*

To make a long story short, it's not bad...but you can hardly see a thing.  Hardt wins...duh & all is right with the world...presuming that all of the social problems just sort of fixed themselves.  The End.

Where was the Ring of Fire again?  This film does not have the main thing that made me care about the original film- David Carradine.  His mere presence helped elevate the film...for the moments that he was in it.  Other than that, it was a bland, Action film with a so-so plot.  The characters weren't that interesting and Carmen Electra was just kind of randomly there.  This film...pretty much has the same problems, save for Electra.  Here's a fun fact for you: Christina Cox is a veteran of Action films and is a skilled kickboxer (according to her bio).  How much fighting does she do here?  None.  That says a lot, doesn't it?  It's kind of like Tornado hiring Daniel Bernhadt and making his character a guy that doesn't know (decent) kung-fu.  Oh yeah, that happened too!  The biggest problem is that this film is that the movie is nearly impossible to see at times.  I've got a good TV and Monitor, so I can't blame them.  Is my DVD messed up or did they just not check this film in Editing?  Either way, it takes any fun away from a barely-fun movie.  Sorry, Max- your days of Havoc are over.  Given that they haven't made an English-language film in the last 6 years, I can't see that changing.  Seriously, why can I barely see this?!?

Next up, April truly begins over at Mondo Bizarro with the first Children of the Corn film.  Can the classic film be so bad?  Stay tuned...

Dean Cain Week: Futuresport

The future...is coming very soon.  While this is not a new film, I should point out that it takes place in 2025.  Furthermore, the crux of what drives the film is said to take place in 2015...which is coming up soon.  That's just poor planning on your part, movie.  The plot of the film is kind of like Rollerball, only it becomes a story about an athlete's redemption and a plan to stop a war with Hawaii.  No, really.  The film takes this ludicrous-sounding idea deadly serious.  Mind you, this is the same film that casts Wesley Snipes and gives him a Jamaican accent.  You can't make this stuff up, folks.  To find out if this film is better than the sum of its parts, read on...

Cain here plays a big-time Futuresport athlete/celebrity.  Why they call it Futuresport when they do it now, I don't know.  I think The Simpsons has made that joke before...

A militant group fighting for a free Hawaii is at arms with the NAA or North-American Alliance.  I want a free sub- where do I sign up?

If you watch Futuresport for, well, Sports action, you might be a bit disappointed.  The main draw of the film is relegated mostly to clips.  Odd, right?

Due to his previous relationship with a reporter- Vanessa Wiliams-, Cain takes on the issue.  This gets him and her attacked.  Confrontational bunch, huh?

Cain's answer: hold a Futuresport match to determine who is in control of Hawaii!  That's better than war, but has a lot of variables.  Have you considered that?

The announcement of this match- featuring a dream team...if we had known these characters before- gets the attention of The Great and Mighty Oz.  Oh...it's actually just the bad guy.  Close enough.

Since a Sports film is just silly, this film's climax involves a shoot-out and kung-fu fight.  There's still a match too...assuming that you're still interested.

The HLO vs. NAA match is no holds barred.  This combined with the previous action scenes leads Cain's team- of which he is now the Captain- to do something silly...

Of course they win.  Were you expecting anything else?  Does it create the peace though?

The film doesn't really care to answer that, focusing more on whether Cain and Williams hook up.  They do.  The End.

The future is a bit underwhelming.  Don't get me wrong- Futuresport is not a bad movie.  FIrst, the movie is not really focused all that well.  The idea of the HLO is not bad, but they feel a bit out of place in this movie.  What point do they serve here?  I guess the plot point of adding more dramatic merit to the final game is not a bad one.  Maybe if they just talked about there being a group like this and they could still be around.  I just don't feel like the idea of mixing the terrorists in with the pro-athletes- especially when they fight...silly- is all that good.  Aside from that, the plot is a bit distracted with Cain's fall and rise, his relationship with Williams, his relationship with the team, his relationship with Snipes's character, Snipes' back-story and side-plot with the bad guys, the terrorists' actions and even his rival.  Could you guys narrow the plot down a bit?  Overall, the movie is not bad.  It's a good Direct-to-DVD/Made-for-TV movie that will entertain fans of simple, sci-fi films.  Take us away, 'Not Kano'...

Next up, it's only fitting to close with the only other Max Havoc film out there.  Cain plays a villain in a rare turn, but is it enough to make the film interesting?  Stay tuned...