South DeCoteau: The Brotherhood 2- Young Warlocks

 After one David DeCoteau Film, I guess I might as well suffer another.  The fact that they are both on the same Disc- as this is a 'Special Edition Double Feature'- is a key factor.  What's special is that it has Audio Commentary.

Do I need to listen to David explain his Films?  Probably not.

This Sequel- of sorts- is about people at a different School and, as you guessed, about Warlocks.  I guess its a Series in the sense that guys get shirtless and face off with some sort of evil.  It's as connected as the Xtro Series, I suppose!

The Plot involves a young Warlock coming to the School and corrupting our Heroes.  Instead of 1 guy being converted into a group of Vampires, you have 3 guys being converted to join 1 guy in a Coven.  That's a slight inversion, admittedly.

Is this more of the same 'magic' or something better?  To find out, read on...

We get EXCESSIVE Narration here as the Film goes hard into 'Tell, Don't Show' territory.  I never expected to compare a 1950's Cult Classic to...well, this, but there you go.

The short version- our Hero and his friends are outcasts of a sort at a Private School.

They attend a Class talking about Warlocks, which, like the Teacher, won't matter until the end.  Chekhov's Lecture?

Our Hero asks out the girl of his dreams and she says 'yes.'

Meanwhile, a blond stranger looks on.

One of his friends meets up with Jock Bad guy and things seem to going fine.  They go in to take a Shower, since David DeCoteau.

After cutting around actual nudity, we see that it was all a trick and they are going to write on the guy's body with permanent marker!

The blond stranger returns- also implied to be naked, because reasons- and overpowers Jock Bad Guy, holding him 'hostage with...the sharpie.

Um...sure, why not?

Did they think that Sharpies were, you know, actually sharp?!?

Said stranger gets the guy to invite his friends to hang out with him.

Instead of playing cards by themselves, they...strip down and drink in the Pool?!?

He eventually recruits him into their Coven, telling them that they must break all 10 Commandments for him.

Cue the montage of them doing stuff like Not Honoring their Mother and Father by...tossing a picture of them out of a window.

They also do this while wearing sunglasses, which is the sign of evil in the DeCoteau Cinematic Universe.

He asks more from them, which leads to a bit where he has our Hero agree to make a 'study date' with the friend of his girlfriend (of all of ONE SCENE).

The group all show up and they act like something is happening...but they mostly just grind on her in a prolonged sequence.

FYI the Actress playing this part was- and I think still is- doing Porn at the time.  So, naturally, there's no Nudity in this Direct-to-Video Film.  Confusing, no?

The guys are told to kill someone to prove their loyalty and all do, save our Hero.  We see this, which is important to note later.

He takes the Girlfriend-in, what, her third Scene of the Film- hostage and our Hero goes to that Teacher.

Plot Twist: she's a White Witch sent to find the Warlock.

Double Plot Twist: she's instantly knocked out and does nothing.  Weird.

Our Hero acts like he's under the Warlock's sway due to the supposed murder he committed and...stabs the Warlock.  What a non-surprise.

He falls into his circle and the Teacher reappears to, well, disappear with him.  

The friends, I guess, get their souls back and they all agree to go to Public School.  The End.

It sure is...a Movie.  I mean, can I say a whole lot more about this?  It's not good.  It's not 'so bad it is good' either.

The Plot is pretty bare-bones and affected so much by the overuse of Narration.  Characters aren't organically-introduced- our Lead just says 'This is so and so'- and events don't play out naturally- he'll say 'And then we did this.'

It's a Movie, not a Book, David!  It's not even a good Book...I mean, Film.  Look what you started!

Scenes are prolonged at times and just cut off at others.  Despite having more Writers- we get 2 Writers and 3 for Story-, this one is in need of another pass over to make it good.  Cut down on the narration and don't SPOIL your ending by showing that our Lead isn't bad.  Cut before the murder set-up and don't have him tell us that he didn't do it.  Make that moment at the end feel the least bit suspenseful.

Of course, as always in these Films, put some damn clothes on once in a while.  I mean, it's a Witches/Warlocks Circle, not an Underwear Catalog!

Next up, some hopefully better fare involving evil and witchcraft of some sort.  Which one?  Stay tuned...

South DeCoteau: The Brotherhood (2001)

 David DeCoteau- have I really liked a Film of yours since Puppet Master 3?  I'm too lazy to check, so I'm going with 'Probably not.'  Let's see if that can change.

The Year 2001 brought us many things and The Brotherhood was, in fact, one of them.  No time for grandeur or verbosity with a Hurricane near me.  The Film is about the worst kind of Sorority- the kind that is just all dudes, is actually a Fraternity and is also a bunch of Vampires.

We're in the 'forget everything you know about Creature X' time in Cinema, so enjoy new, confusing rules.  The Cast includes a bunch of people who work all of the time, but, to be honest, you won't necessarily know from one thing specifically.  Well, at least not until now.

To find out if releasing a Film 2 weeks after 9/11 (that's the actual release date!) was a good idea, read on...

In the Cold Open, a guy is confronted by weirdos who wear their sunglasses at night (the Corey Harts?) and killed for 'rejecting them.'

Ooh...mysterious.  Now we know who the bad guys are, so...not mysterious, I guess.

Our Hero is a Jock who we first see Gaslighting his new roommate as a joke.  Classy fella.

The duo hit it off in the Jock-Nerd way that happens in Films and TV.

The guys from earlier walk around in a manner eerily similar to those same Vampires in Twilight, although the first Book wouldn't come out until 4 years after this.

David would have a case...if this wasn't super-duper cliché.

Our Heroes meet a young lady who nearly banters them to death before inviting them to a Party by the Vampires...after our Hero already turned down a direct invite.

Not suspicious at all.

Sadly, the Actress here only has 3 Credits and this is the 2nd.  I wonder what she's up to?

The duo get separated with the girl leaving the party alongside Nerd Friend.

Our Hero seems to slowly lose his whole 'I'm independent' schtick and starts doing whatever the Vampire asks him to.

This escalates to the point where the guy sucks blood from hand, as you do.

This- and him drinking some in return- changes our Hero, who starts wearing sunglasses during the day now (as part of his transition to Corey Hart-ing, obviously).  He also starts hanging out with the Vampires and generally acting worse.

This leads Nerd Friend to sneak into the Frat House and find a not-so-hidden book detailing how the group are about 100 years old.

I guess you need to keep that around, you know, in case you forget.  You aren't exactly a young man anymore.

He's enticed to the 'dark side' quite quickly (it took 45 minutes to get past the Party Scene) and engages in what I think is a Vampire Threesome.

Him and the Head Vampire both feed on a willing lady and, since this is a David DeCoteau Film, they are in their underwear for this.

Nerd Friend seeks help and goes the girl, who's been missing for the last 30 minutes of Film.  They break into the Frat and confront the Head Vampire, who's about to steal our Hero's body.

Betrayal- the girl was in on it the whole time.

Very bad at betrayal, she can't hold Nerd Friend still, who takes the axe back from her and kills the Head Vampire.

This kills everyone but our Hero, since, in his words, he 'never joined the Frat.'  I mean...he did, but whatever.  The End.

A pretty inoffensive and by-the-numbers affair.  The Brotherhood isn't one of those 'so bad it is good' Films.  It's not amateurish.  It's not super low-budget.

In other words, it is a pretty basic Direct-to-Video Film.  There's probably more 'beefcake' stuff due to the Director, but it is not at the point of the 1313 Films.  He definitely has a thing for Swimmers, as Leeches taught us.  

Of course, this Film never actually *shows* our Hero swimming...which is odd.

The Plot here is nothing that impressive.  A pretty simple guy is confronted by temptation, gives into it and, well, faces zero repercussions for doing so.  Take note, kids!

For a Vampire Film, there's not much of that content to please its fans.  The one big Scene is pretty much it.  Oh well.

The Brotherhood is...alright, but at least they didn't drag things out to a ridiculous degree with multiple Sequels, right?  Right?!?

Next up, the first Sequel (and the only one I actually have).  Will it have the magic to improve things?  Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Frankenstein Reborn! (1998)

 Full Moon is getting another shot at this- let's see what they can do!  This Frankenstein Reborn!, a 1998 Direct-to-Video Horror Film.  It is not to be confused with 2005's Frankenstein Reborn, which was made by The Asylum.  That Film lacks the exclamation point in the Title, so I guess it more muted.  This is the 2nd Film in the Filmonsters Series by Full Moon.  Don't get too excited- there are only 2.  Yes, for reasons that aren't available (my guess is money not being made), the Series begins and ends with these 2 Films.  As you'll see later, they had more in immediate plans.  If you watch the Intro, you see them tease others like The Invisible Man and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  Oh well.  The Film doesn't change much,  but does add a random teenage girl to the Story.  Hmm...familiar.  Can the Director of A Talking Cat!?! deliver a good Frankenstein Film?  To find out, read on...

A young woman is sent to stay with her Uncle at his Castle.  Serious Deja Vu here!

I'm guessing that Dracula Reborn! would have had a young girl staying with her Uncle Jonathan Harker too, right?

Her Uncle- the good Doctor- is busy with his mysterious work and she's left to fend for herself.

Fortunately, she finds a young man- also like in the last Film- who has the same haircut that most boys had around this time, my own brother included.

He teaches her how to get around the Castle, which conveniently is timed to when the Doctor and his Assistant are working on their Adam...

…who, of course, escapes (to the same Woods from Werewolf Reborn!).

After he/it kills a random person in the Woods, there is no follow-up.  Odd how nobody seemed to care.

Our Heroine eventually finds him & sneaks him food and books.

Our Heroine continues to help him in secret, while the Assistant begins to get suspicious.

Inside she's confronted by a more subtle menace- the Boom Mic!

Back at the Castle, the Creature has been recaptured by the pair.

The Doctor- played by Baywatch's Jaason Simmons- begins to have second thoughts about 'killing' the Creature.  Violence isn't the answer...

..so he immediately attacks the Assistant.

The Creature arises from its, well, slab, to throw the guy into, um, the power source?  Cue fake lightning, since Full Moon.

This, of course, causes the whole Castle to burn down.  Should I ask about the Wait Staff in the Castle, since the Film doesn't?

Oh well- the End.

Basically the same Film you've seen many, many times.  What is actually new here?  Again- they just added a teenage girl as the Lead.  Did I miss something?  The make-up work is okay, but is definitely a bit too close to the Universal make-up.  They have a copyright on that design, in case you didn't know.  I'm kind of amazed they got by with just changing the skin from green to white and removing the neck bolts.  I mean, I'd sue them for it, but that's just me- an asshole.  The Acting is okay.  Jaason keeps popping up in Films I watch- like Ghost Rig and one I have in a Set for later viewing- for some reason.  Thanks?  There's nothing bad in this Film- just underwhelming.  It's alright.  It's not long enough to get too in-depth on anything, so just enjoy the brevity.  You can watch both Reborn! Films in the time it takes to watch your average Transformers Film (with time to spare).  I was hoping to find a better version of the Filmonsters Promo Art, but this will have to do.  Notice the two Films they didn't do...and also notice how they went from Wolfman Reborn! to Werewolf Reborn! there.  You might as well not risk that lawsuit if you're using the guy who already tempted fate with Dreamaniac... 

Next up, I cover a Film with a strange, animal killer.  It goes in a very weird direction, so enjoy.  Stay tuned...

Quick Reviews: A Talking Cat!?!

Another Rifftrax Review- only this one was one that I was never going to do otherwise.  To see what I survived, read on...

This is Duffy.  He's a talking Cat that sounds like Eric Roberts.

He's magic and can talk to people, but only once.  He's also NOT the Cat on that Poster above...

This is a rich guy (played by the grown-up kid from Sigmund and the Sea Monsters).  He's...I mean...well...next picture!

This is his Son.  The Actor has no IMDB Page, but he's got to be more than 35 years younger!

He needs confidence, which only a talking/slurring Cat can give- obviously.

Can he get the girl?  Can his Dad find love?

On the plus side, this is a David DeCoteau Film and he's only shirtless that one time.  Progress?

The Cat goes around giving advice...in between the Film's overuse of Stock Establishing Shots, an obsession with Cheese Puffs and the fact that they are obviously tricking this cat with a laser.

Can the Cat survive a(n off-screen) car accident?  Will the families work together?

Will someone please take Eric Roberts *back* to Rehab based on his line reading?  To find out, watch the Film (but only with Rifftrax).

I wish I was on whatever Eric Roberts was on!  Seriously, this is a true bit of Trivia as stated by David DeCoteau- Roberts' part was recorded in 15 minutes in his living room!  I honestly believe that.  I guess kudos for doing the work that fast- it's less time than writing this Review has taken.  I also wasn't clearly on a metric ton of pot while doing this either.  Putting aside is weird, slurring delivery, the Film is still terrible for many reasons.  The Film has two locations- David DeCoteau's House (as seen in every Film of his after 2010) and a smaller House.  Both were furnished with random stuff brought by the Cast (to save money).  Why mention how many locations it has?  Well, the Film uses- wait for it- 59 ESTABLISHING SHOTS.  Yes, someone counted (not me)!  It's just...holy Xenu- that's too many!  The Acting is tolerable, but that's about all I can say for it.  The Plot is a loose mess of nonsense, pointless bits and Cheese Puffs.  These things- the homemade kind- are introduced as a Plot Point around an hour in.  If you play the 'Cheese Puffs' Drinking Game, your kidney will shut down before the end of the Film!  If you watch this for accidental hilarity, it is there...but you have to endure a lot.  Rifftrax- again- makes it tolerable and honestly really damn funny.  For example, the Film uses FOUR DIFFERENT SHOTS of a Car driving on a road IN A ROW!  The gang make a great running gag out of it that makes the whole thing actually enjoyable.  If you're a brave (and stupid) man, you can watch stuff like this and Roller Gator on your own.  I wouldn't (again) though.  I guess I'll see if A Talking Pony!?! is any better someday.  Before nobody asks, even THIS Film has alternate Cover Art that is a complete lie (and a new Title)...

Bad, bad so-bad!  It- like Roller Gator or Manos is a delight to watch with Rifftrax though.

Lazy Cover Art: Slasher Film Extravaganza

When you see so many films, it's hard not to notice trends.  One of them I've felt like addressing is a trend in Slasher Film covers.  Let's start off with Urban Legend 2, a film that totally needed to be made.

Seems simple enough.  How about the third film- which has completely abandoned the serial killer concept- to see if there is something in common?

Speaking of third films in the series (although this one has a Zombie Fisherman), here's yet another familiar poster.

Leave it to David DeCoteau to rip off this familiar idea for a Slasher film of his own.

 But wait- there's more.

For his 1313 series, he ripped it off AGAIN.  Dull surprise.

One more for the road- a 2012 Slasher film that benefits from an extra-nightmare-inducing mask.  Yikes.

The next time you and your friends stand together in a line, look behind you.  There's a 99% chance that a masked killer is behind you.

4th Anniversary Review: 1313- Hercules Unbound

The first question is obvious- why are you doing this?  Why would I possibly review a 1313 movie, let alone of my own free will.  Well, it's a complicated answer.  For one, my goal is always to find something that I wouldn't think of doing.  Case in point: I have a Bollywood Sci-Fi film arriving today.  Why not?  Second, the goal is also to show that I can handle everything.  After years of shit movies like Hobgoblins 2, Ghoulies IV and Amityville 8, I've established a reputation of shying away from nothing.  However, the 1313 films have been infesting Netflix for a couple of years and I've always avoided them.  Another thing to note is that 1313 films have been all over Project Terrible, just not by me.  That's not counting their predecessors like other David DeCoteau films- poor Maynard.  So, before anyone has considered punishing me with my own weapon, I'm doing it myself.  I'm just twisted that way, I guess.  So what is 1313: Hercules Unbound! about?  It's about shirtless guys posing, pretending to sword fight and more posing with the loosest of loose plots.  To give you an idea of how shallow this film, it clocks in at 70 minutes- with Credits!  It's really the worst Hercules film ever- shock of all shocks.  That leads me to the final reason that I picked the film (and why I picked it over 1313: Black Widow): Lou Ferrigno.  He's not in this piece of shit (obviously!), but his son is.  Yes, Lou Ferrigno Jr aka Louis Ferrigno is here.  He's not playing Hercules like his dad did in two epically-awesome '80's films though.  More on him later.  To see how nobody can torture you like you, read on...

You want to make the film tolerable (without Fast Forward)?  Take a shot every time they throw up this static picture accompanied by over-dramatic music.  You can trade it out with the other shot of RUINS of Greece or...

 ...the freaking sky!  This sky pulls triple-duty, however, as it is a filler segue shot, the shot used for when Zeus talks (just this- no other effect) and when Hera (sounding more doped up than Carey Fisher) talks.

Half of the time, this is just a segue shot, which confused the hell out of me.  I kept waiting for Zeus or Hera to dump exposition...but nothing happened.  Ugh.

The so-called plot involves Hercules going to a training camp and being a complete dick.  Aphrodite- aka the only chick in this film- is assigned to protect him...so she sends him to a training camp full of people, one of whom poisons him.

"Quick- I need to hide you from the assassins.  Let's go to Ford's Theater!"

So yeah, I watched this movie, but fast-forwarded through all of the scenes that were just the guys posing and/or running.  This is just a glimpse of what I glossed over.  Enjoy, some people in my audience.

Weird aside: this guy does Capoeira moves in his routine?  Looks neat, but YOU ARE FROM ANCIENT GREECE!  Douche.

So, get this, Aphrodite is charged with protecting Hercules (or Heracles if you know shit about history).  To that end, she makes a potion to make him less conceited (no, really).  This is immediately dosed with poison by a villain.

You were born from the sea foam created by Uranus' severed balls..of fail.

 Hercules is poisoned by a toxin that makes him lose his strength.  It won't kill him...apparently.  He learns about humility and decides to fight the villain- who has University of Texas tattoos- to the death.

After the world's worst sword fight- seriously!-, the villain dies and all is well.  Hera just kind of gives up, since she ran out of Xanax.

Wait- this is only 59 minutes.  We need to hit 70 minutes somehow!  

 Quick- more posing!  That will fill out the run-time.  Hurray!  The End.

So that was...not a movie.  Yeah, this doesn't really qualify for a number of reasons.  For all the jokes that we on the Internet make about Twilight constantly ripping off Taylor Lautner's shirt to appeal to 'the ladies,' they don't waste five minutes with him and the other Werewolves posing.  As I type that, I actually wonder why that didn't happen.  Regardless, it does happen in this film.  Actually, it would be more accurate to say that 'a little story happens during this posing' instead.  Seriously, I fast-forwarded through all of the posing footage- I'm not that crazy- and basically watched a 25-minute 'film.'  If you take out the padding shots of the RUINS of Greece, it's a bit less still.  Seriously, why so shots of RUINS of Greece in a film that's totally set there.  By 'set there,' I mean 'shot at the same L.A. Beach House that every 1313 film is shot at,' of course.  They really don't do much to disguise this either, as they show a Palm Tree wrapped in Christmas lights (see below) in a number of shots.  I guess DeCoteau and the D.P. were just too distracted by man-abs to actually check for continuity.  You want to know what the worst part is?  I watched this due to Lou Ferrigno Jr. being in it?  Who does he play?  THE VOICE OF ZEUS!  So yeah, I kind of screwed myself here.  If this review taught you anything, it's that I make very poor life choices.  Hurray?

Next up, a film that missed the cut back in Old vs. New Week.  It's the end of the World as we know it...so a bunch of teenagers have sex.  Stay tuned...