Birthday Review: The Condemned 2 (with Randy Orton)

 A special Review for one reader- even if it is a bit late.  Like an RKO, however, this came out of nowhere!

This is The Condemned 2, a 2015 DTV Sequel to a Film that definitely exists.
That one featured 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin in the 2nd proper WWE Films Production (after The Marine).

In the wake of that Film's mild success, we got a bunch of random Films that I've covered over the years.

We soon got Sequels to their Films- like The Marine 2, 12 Rounds 2 (also with Orton), 12 Rounds 3 and See No Evil 2- , original Films- Christmas Bounty, Vendetta and The Chaperone- and Sequels to other Films- Leprechaun- Origins, Jingle All the Way 2 and Surfs Up 2- that they licensed.

Back when they made The Marine 2, Randy Orton was Cast as the Lead (as Cena was busy winning LOL).
Catch- he was an actual Marine...and dishonorably discharged for trying to flee the ship.  No personal judgement, but it stopped him from being cast in place of Ted Dibiase Jr.
(Ted DiBiase Jr was Cast in his place and is now facing serious charges)

In 2015, Randy Orton was given a SECOND WWE Films Sequel to sink his teeth into- this one.

Is it good or did I waste $1?  To find out, read on...

A bad guy- Wes Studi- is doing all sorts of bad stuff, like having bad people bet on how fast 2 homeless folks will die when you poison them.

That's...definitely not kosher.

A Bail Enforcement Agent- Randy Orton- goes to bring him in, but a fight breaks out.

He accidentally kills Studi (who dies within the first 10 minutes, but gets a top credit) and is subsequently given bail for the accidental manslaughter.

He goes back home to work with his Dad, who is a Talking Cat?!?...I mean, Eric Roberts.

Randy becomes a Tow Truck Driver, which gets him an honest living and the attention of some ladies shot like they're in a Michael Bay Film.

However, the 2nd-in-Command for Studi takes over and sets a strange plan in motion.

He threatens to kill all of Orton's buddies from the Bail Bond Agency and sends them after him, betting whether or not each one will die.

His first pal attacks him in a Bar and Orton is forced to kill him...I mean, kind of.

He somehow breaks his neck by pressing it on the end of a pool table...

A second buddy tries to kill him, but first drives him out into the Desert.

His third buddy- a Sniper, as we established in the Intro- is now trying to kill him on a ridge.

We also get a random Scene where the Boss says that his version of Killers on PPV is better than in The Condemned.   Now we're a Sequel!

He keeps trying, but Orton is helped out by his 4th buddy.

They get away from one location, but must survive a second shootout.

Thankfully, his Dad arrives to help!
He's already got way more screen time than the last time I saw him.

As we reach the hour mark, Orton fends off his final buddy- an Explosives Expert- but is then shot by the Sniper.  He's persistent!

The gun has been blowing up trucks, RVs and the front half of a lady (see a future Poor Bastards of Cinema)!

Can he survive?

Oh yeah, of course.  Why would you think otherwise?

He has a big face-off with the bad guy- who put himself into the game to get the payout- for the Finale.

Good wins. 
The End.

A Film with a decent setup, but...it gets really repetitive really fast.  
Sorry, Randy.

The Plot has potential- setting up his team and then pitting them against them- but doesn't do as much as you'd like with it.

He has a bunch of generic fights with some guys, hides from a Sniper and, eventually, has a decent showdown with the explosives guy.

I was honestly expecting more interesting Fight Scenes with Orton involved and at least one wrestling move thrown in.
In the last Film of his I covered, he back suplexed a guy...as an EMT.
No such luck here.

As far as Action Films go, it is kind of bland.  It tries to add some flourishes- like drone shots-, some explosions and lots of CGI muzzle flashes.

Acting wise, it is honestly pretty good.  I just wish that they had more to work with here, honestly.

Quality wise, it is better than the first Condemned.  Fun wise, it is way more generic.  Oh well.

Lastly, how come Orton's picture here- shown in the Intro- has a headshot of him after the second Fight Scene...

Next time, let me jump way back to the 1950s.  With the Internet 'enjoying' the newest War of the Worlds, how is the Original?  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Vampires- Los Muertos (2002)

 John Carpenter's Vampires has actually aged pretty well (James Woods IRL aside).
Can the same be said for the Direct to Video 'Sequel' from 2002?

Let's find out...

Are we going to see the return of James Woods?
The further adventures of Daniel Baldwin and his Vampire Girlfriend?

Nope!

Instead, the Film follows a different Vampire Hunter (Jon Bon Jovi) in Mexico.

He's hired to kill a Vampire and needs a team.

His first task is to find the Priest from the last Film...and he died...off-camera.

That is LITERALLY the only connection.

Sigh.

His search keeps ending in his potential members ending up dead, so all he's got is a young from Andor.

He also meets a young lady right before another Vampire attack!

Oh, and this one has super-speed...sometimes.

As it turns out, this lady was bitten, but not turned by a Vampire.  She can stay human if she keeps taking some pills.

Good Sequels raise the stakes.  Bigger threats, new challenges and new goals.

Bad Sequels repeat the same thing as the last Film.

This one is ALSO about a Vampire seeking the Black Cross to be truly immortal, so...

Tommy Lee Wallace making a Sequel to a Film that ends up being worse.  That tracks.

Now with some actual help, can Bon Jovi stop the Vampire.

Well, it's not so easy when she manages to turn one of them before the big fight.

Can our Heroes save the day in basically the same situation, just without the cool Music and John Carpenter's direction?

To find out, stream it now.

A Film that is alright, but nothing more.

This is technically a Sequel to John Carpenter's Film.  If you didn't know this (and John Carpenter's name wasn't slapped onto the Title), would you notice?

Full discretion- I can understand John Carpenter cashing a check to put his name on this.  He's owed all of the money Hollywood can give him.  Good for him.

On its own, the Film tries to play with the formula of the Get a Team Together interestingly.  Given that he still forms a team, it doesn't exactly amount to much.

The Vampire effects are nice.

I wish that the Pacing was better.  I wish that the Finale wasn't just 'Let's do the same thing again.'
If you want to do the Plan Doesn't Work thing, make it SOMETHING DIFFERENT!

I want to say nice things about Films- I really do.

I've heard of a Film making you 'see red,' but this is ridiculous!

A Film that isn't terrible, but really pales in comparison to the original.  There are worse Vampire Films out there, but many that are far better too.

Shudder-day Scare Package 2- Rad Chad's Revenge (2022)

 Another Shudder-fueled Sequel?  Why not?

This is Scare Package II- Rad Chad's Revenge, the 2022 Sequel.  The Film is a stronger mesh holding the structure together this time.  

In the previous Film, a series of Horror Shorts connected the tale of Rad Chad.
Well, he's dead now.

This time, his Funeral sets up a new group of people to be put in peril.

Will this one top the original or be a disappointment?
To find out, read on...

The funeral for Rad Chad ends up being gassed.

They wake up and are put through a series of Tests...while also being shown the Shorts that make up the Film.

In 'Welcome to the '90s,' a group of Final Girls are targeted by a Jason Voorhees pastiche.

Can they rise above- even then- old stereotypes to survive?

In the main Story, the duo is slowly whittled down in Saw-like fashion.

Well, that makes it sound like it is only SIMILAR to Saw.
It's just Saw- but with Horror Film Trivia.

In The Night He Came Back Again! Part VI: The Night She Came Back, we see a follow-up to a previous Segment in the last Film.

This one updates the Halloween Parody to be like the recent Films, but with another crazy twist.

In 'Special Edition,' a rare tape with a familial connection gets played.

If you wanted countless references to 3 Men and a Baby in your Horror Short, you're in luck!

In 'We're So Dead,' a complex homage to a number of Kids-themed Films like Stand by Me.

It also has elements of Re-Animator and The Fly, because...dunno.

It all comes to a head with a bunch more Twists, an expected Cameo and some freaky humor.

To find out how it ends up, stream it now.

This one is weird and fun, if quite a bit disjointed.

Mind you, that's a common issue with most Horror Anthologies though.

This one has a strong, overarching Plot.  It is the attempt to make the constant start-stop aspect involving the Shorts that really draws the eye to it.

You are in Danger!  Now watch this Movie.
Are we back now?  Great.

That said, I generally enjoyed all of the Segments.

WTT90s was fun, even if its message was a bit outdated.  Yes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer came out in 1992.
The 2nd one (the acronym would be ridiculous), the humor is good and the splatter enjoyable.

SE was an interesting one in premise, but only so-so in execution.
WSD was mostly a bunch of 'Hey, remember that Film,' but enjoyable all the same.

The overarching Story was actually the bigger draw here, with more Segments and a whole Plot that changed and grew.

Do I love this Film?  Probably not as much as the first one, since it doesn't have that unique feel to it.

I'll still check in on a 3rd one, if it happens though.

Now who wants to never drink milk again?

A fun Film that is all over the place, for better worse.  It is a self-aware Horror Buffet- gotta love it, right?

Tubi Thursday: Nemesis 5- The New Model (2015/2017)

 At long last, I've reached the end of this Series.

This time, Albert Pyun is not Directing and it is the Director of, oh no, the Black Tree Forest Films.

After TEN MINUTES of Opening Credits and a long, LONG text crawl, we see a young woman walk into a Park Bathroom during a fight between Alex and a Cyborg.

She proceeds to train the girl as said girl (as a woman) narrates.

She sends the girl back to the Present to stop the Cyborgs.

Say good-bye to Alex btw- she's gone.

The bad guys apparently won the PR War and present the Cops as villains.

Our Heroine recreates the Intro of the first Film (badly) and then is pursued by Great Value versions of the Cyborg Twins.

She's called an Enemy of the State.

She teams up with a bunch of random people, goes out to the Desert to seek out the man behind the Cyborgs.

Sadly they couldn't get Tim Thomerson back for this.

By the way, this looks like something out of a ThatGuyWithTheGlasses Film...

It all comes down to a battle between Not Alex and the bad guy (but mostly this older lady playing a Cyborg).

I won't SPOIL it, but I will say that it is barely an hour (less when you cut out the filler shots) and that the 1992 Film looks way better.

The End.

I thought that this Film Series couldn't get worse.  I really, really did.

The first one is fun, but bogged down by a complicated Plot and multiple time-jumps.
The second one is fun, but very unoriginal.
The third one was a big old mess, but had a few good moments.
The fourth one was...something.

This is not even a real Nemesis Film- it was basically sold on the cheap by Pyun to the Director.  This same guy either rips off Horror Films (see the Black Tree Forest Films) or makes his own, overt knockoffs (Sleepaway Camp 2(?!?), The Legacy of Boggy Creek) or makes barely disguised rip-offs (Faces of Dying, Return of the Living Dead- Part II- Extravaganza). 
He's also made stuff that is sure to be immediately dated like 5G Zombies, Ebola Rex vs Murder Hornets.

So yeah, I shouldn't have expected much.

The Film looks cheap, feels cheap and only has a funky, but redundant techno/EDM soundtrack.  Enjoy the 'songs,' but don't expect good Action, Plot or Production Values.

Sorry, Albert Pyun.

A final insult of a Film.  If you learn whose Films to avoid, you can make your Tubi viewing much more enjoyable.

Forgotten Sequels: Dungeons & Dragons- Wrath of the Dragon God (2005)

 Yes, this exists.  Someone saw the 2000 Dungeons & Dragons and said, 'Make another one.'
It took 5 years, but whatever.

This is a direct Sequel to the other Film, but is apparently set much, much later.  At least, I think so.  There's only one connection to that Film here- the lead Villain...'s main Henchman.  We can't get Jeremy Irons, so let's go with the next best thing.

I don't want to be too mean to Bruce Payne, even if he is the second-best Warlock.  He's one of those guys whose presence can usually elevate a role and the Film around it.  Good luck, mate!

The Film involves a Dragon God about to be awoken and a group of Heroes trying to stop it.  Will this give us the true D&D feel that the original was lacking?  It's got a Cleric, a Rogue and a Wizard (for starters), so that's a plus.

Is this Made for TV/DVD Film (which I haven't seen since last renting in 2006) worth a watch?  To find out, read on...

In a big old exposition dump, we learn that Damodar (Payne) was cursed to be an undead, which he apparently was for quite a long time.

Some bad guys- who don't factor into the Plot after this- find the Black Orb and return him to life.

Our Heroes- a Fighter and a Mage- discover that a sleeping, black Dragon is under a nearby Castle.

He's apparently also a God and is slowly waking up.

They try to do a vision spell, but it has disastrous effects long-term.

He assembles a Team- which includes a Cleric, a Wizard, a Barbarian and a Rogue/Thief- to find Damodar and the Orb, which is the key to stopping the Dragon from awakening.

Back at the Castle, the Mages all try to figure out the secrets from the Books.  Bob would gladly do this Sidequest!

Unfortunately, Love Interest Mage was cursed by Damodar via that spell and is slowly turning into a Zombie!

Oh, well- back to the Books!

The group in the field runs across a Lich, who chases them off after a brief fight.

He proceeds to report this to Damodar, who's busy up in his own Castle waiting for the Dragon God to arise.

In a move that is both surprising and also not, the former Henchman is basically just that again, doing this whole thing to give him someone new to work in the service of!

He sends an Ice Dragon to kill them and it proves to be 20% successful.

It freezes and kills the Cleric (!!!) before they defeat it.

Who will cast Heroes Feast now?!?

They fight some bad guys- just random guys in Armor- and solve some puzzles.

For better or worse, doing stuff like this IS what happens in D&D Campaigns.

I will say that 'Safe Steps only visible while looking in a mirror' is still pretty silly, even for D&D.

After a series of moments- including Damodar being defeated by a single swing, but then that victory being overturned via trickery-, the titular God is awake and he's...pretty freaky.

It's not amazing CGI, but it is Made for TV and from 2005.

Surprisingly (or not), they have to defeat Damodar AGAIN (via simply knocking him down) to get the other Orb and defeat the God.

It's an odd gambit as he says he's not afraid of death, so they threaten to kill him...and he stands down.  Huh?

Oh well, the day is saved...although the Cleric is still very dead.  The End.

A fun, if low-budget adventure.  Don't get me wrong- I've seen way cheaper. 
It's just that they rely so much on CGI- for things that would be hard to do without it, to be fair- that it sometimes looks...janky.  The Practical stuff- make-up, masks and costumes- all look alright.

Well, that Lich does, especially the more he just kind of hangs around.

The Film does aim to be something big, so points for that.  As noted, it is definitely in the spirit of the game too.  Everyone has some sort of Arc- even if it is just being nice to a Barbarian- so that's good too.

Does it rise above the standard Fantasy Fare though?  I mean...Lord of the Rings was already a thing, so that's a high hurdle to clear.

Fans of D&D can enjoy this one, provided they know what to expect.  Remember that this was 2005, so Amazon was still selling you Books and not spending A BILLION DOLLARS on a TV Show.

As a bonus, they left Damodar around for the Sequels.  What do you mean he's not in it?  Well...shit.  Sorry, champ.

Next up, a silly Film brought to me by Rifftrax.  You'll see a lot more of the 'light' from this one over the next few weeks.  Stay tuned...

New(er) Flix: Escape Plan 2- Hades

 It's a big leap from a Prison to the Greek Underworld!  Oh...I see.

This is Escape Plan 2: Hades, a DTV Sequel that looks similar...at first.  There's no Arnold this time, but you have Bautista in his place.  Fair trade these days, honestly.  So why is this Direct-to-Video?

Well, as you'll see, this isn't so much a Film that is STARRING them as it is a Film that is *Starring* about 10 other people and they show up once or twice.  The pair only share, fittingly enough, a pair of Scenes.

The Plot involves another secret Prison only- as noted- the main Prisoner(s) is not Sly. 
Does the Film work with him doing about 1/3 of his role just through Voice-Over? 
Can a completely-different Cast of people have the same affect?
Why did he call it 'TRULY THE MOST HORRIBLY PRODUCED FILM I ever had the misfortune to be in?!?'

To find out, read on...

A bunch of guys we've never met- including Huang Xiaming and Jesse Metcalfe- rescue 2 ladies from...someone in...somewhere and all goes well.

…until the last minute where some shots hit the truck and apparently kill one of them.  Oops.

Stallone- who's finally in his own Film- is now running his Security Firm in a more hands-off way and he fires the guy who went off-plan.

He blames him for the lady- who is never named- dying.

Huang is apparently the real Lead here as we see him meeting up with a lady from his past to protect his Cousin

Oddly, the Film thinks that Patents are secret (which is the opposite) as that guy won't 'reveal his patent' and is targeted by someone.

His attempt to protect the guy fails *immediately* and he wakes up in a Prison called Hades. 

His Cousin is there too.

Stallone tries to figure out where he went and turns to Bautista, who I guess he knows from some earlier adventure.

They have a brief shootout with some masked thugs as they try to figure out who's behind it.

Besides him, there's Jaime King (who does nothing) and 50 Cent (aka Curtis Jackson) who also does, well, nothing.

Can they escape Hades with 'the Zookeeper' (Titus Welliver) watching over them?

What secrets lie in Hades?

Will Stallone do more than 1 Action Scene?

To find out, watch the Film now.

It's alright, even if it is not what is promised.  The DVD Cover- and online Promo Art- heavily features Stallone and Bautista, even though both are minor players in the Film.  Mine specifically shows Stallone in the Prison, which- minor SPOILER?- does happen eventually.  It happens like an hour into the 90 minute Film though.

So, if you know that this is barely a Stallone Film- which should hopefully be obvious by 2018-, is it good?  Eh...I guess.  

My issue is that so much is happening, but also so little.  We have to follow SO MANY Characters with the Action and Plot split up so much.  This feels like when they take like 3 Episodes of a Show and cut it into a Film.  It really is just a Film though.

This is also one of those Films with alot of extra style and flourish added just to make normal- sometimes tedious- parts seem more interesting.  Lots of color correction, flashing lights and editing galore.  Its Director- Steven C. Miller- made his first Film- Automaton Transfusion- for $30,000.  I'm pretty sure they spent more than that just on the blue, green and purple lights!

ES2 is a decent Film that doesn't have alot going on, but looks alright while doing it.  It also makes the best use of a big, tough guy like Bautista- watching him exchange Instant Messages with Stallone.

Next up, another DVD from the pile.  As always, it could be Horror, Action or Sci-Fi...and hopefully good this time.  See you then...