Lost in Translation and/or Double Rip-Off Cover Art: Suddenly (2013)

Holy crap- I have to use this one!

While searching for Images to use for the Suddenly review, I found this German DVD Cover that is just...just...wow.

So many problems here!  Where do I start?

1. The film never even shows The White House, let alone being set there.
2. The main fake Title is a rip-off of Olympus Has Fallen.
3. The fake Subtitle is a rip-off of White House Down.
4. The random Photoshopping.

My God...this is glorious crap.

Boll-shit?: Suddenly (2013)

Ah, Uwe Boll- is there something you can't ruin.  Today's film is Suddenly, which is somewhat of a Remake of a 1954 film.  In that film, the villain is played by Frank Sinatra.  In Boll's film, the villain is played by Dominic Purcell.  See a problem yet?  The film tells the tale of a group of homegrown terrorists (all white, for a change) that seek to kill the President.  Their plan hinges upon a nearby house that they can shoot him from.  The only one that can stop them is a drunk Cop (Ray Liotta- aw!) with a secret in his past.  Shot on the cheap in Canada, this film is chock full of Boll 'day-players,' but not Boll himself.  I'm sure if he could have found a way to appear in black-face or as Hitler, he would have.  The reason I'm even doing this is because Bob's Parents watched this on their own (they learned their lesson) and wanted to know who I, a connoisseur of bad movies thought of it.  Well, I saw it (obviously), so let's just jump right in...

Liotta is a Cop/The Town Drunk and...can we just address that one?  How bad off is your town if you are paying this guy to carry a gun in your town?!?

Then again, this film has a Cast of about 15 people, so I guess that beggars can't be choosers.

In the main Plot, this small town is getting a visit from The President of the United States.  He's there to visit their...Hunting Lodge?  That's what Barack Obama is known for- HUNTING!

So yeah, they have to prepare.

Meanwhile, some militant guys show up dressed as Secret Service Agents and take over a house that is apparently close enough to shoot into the center of town from.

Look- I know it is part of the Plot, but how close could this house be?  Do you have guns that can fire accurately for well over 1,000 yards (through a Forest)?!?

Just for fun, let me highlight an earlier scene where the lead Actress' kid is shown hiding some fireworks in the Woods.  I mention it because, despite showing us the exact place that he hides it...and how he re-covers it...THIS HAS NO PAYOFF!!!!

While nothing offensive or really stupid happens, the movie is just *yawn* so damn boring.

I think Dominic Purcell's attempt at being stoic and serious says it all.

In fact, let me just remind you of how Boll put Suddenly Co-Star Brendan Fletcher in Blackface in Blubberella.  Good ti...no, I can't finish that sentence.

Since the film is so recent, I won't SPOIL the ending for you.  I will show you a real black man- just for contrast.  The End.

Damn, this one was boring.  So what is it about Uwe Boll?  What kind of film is he aiming for?  It can't be a good one, can it?  He's made bad movies (In the Name of the King, Bloodrayne, In the Name of the King 2), really bad films (Blubberella, Postal, House of the Dead {either Version}) and just really dull ones (In the Name of the King 3, Bloodrayne 2, this one).  The best thing I've heard about his work is that he has made a decent film (according to Bob and/or Maynard).  Is that it?  Alright then.  Suddenly is a film with a good premise (good enough to be made 60 years ago), but the execution just sucks.  Nothing outrageous happens.  Nothing funny really happens.  Nothing all that exciting really happens.  I know that there is supposed to be thrills and drama, but there is not.  To make up for it, the Musical Score *tells* us what the Scenes are supposed to illicit emotionally.  That is good Writing, folks!  Seriously though, this Score is very, very insistent.  I will say that some of the Acting is good, provided that they don't underplay Scenes too much.  I'm still not sure whether Dominic Purcell likes working with Uwe Boll.  He has appeared in quite a few now, so he must...right.  I question it because he has seemed to be permanently bored out of his mind in the two films I've seen them work together on (this one and In the Name of the King 3).  Is that his thing?  Either way, he's no Sinatra.  Do I need to watch the original film?  It inspired Lee Harvey Oswald (allegedly), so who knows what it will inspire me to do?  I can say one thing: it won't make me want to watch this nap-inspiring film again.

Next up, the king of Fat-Kido returns with a new film.  Naturally, he's a former Special Agent who fights the Russian Mob...again.  Stay tuned...

Hilariously-Misleading Cover Art; In the Name of the King 3

Okay, you've got to be kidding me!

Uwe Boll's In the Name of the King 3 sucked.  It doesn't matter what Cover you give it...although this goofy-ass one helps!

Ha!  Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Where was I?  Oh, yeah...this shit.

I love that even in full-plate armor (sans helmet), Purcell still looks like he is thinking about his Tax Return.  Acting!

Boll-Shit: In the Name of the King 3

Mocking this Film is worth the risk of Uwe Boll threatening my health.  Today's film is In The Name of the King: The Last Mission, since...we needed another one of them.  Let's sum this series up so far, shall we?  We shall.  In the first Film, Boll actually gave a shit and made a big-budget flop.  It is an odd mix of being funny (mostly Matthew Lillard) and just generic as hell.  The second Film is an actual Sequel...kind of.  Much like how The Scorpion King 3 (the 2nd film is a crappy Prequel) shit all over the Original by 'adding to it,' In the Name of the King 2 is a Time-Travel Film with Dolph as...Jason Statham's son?  Oh and he's also somehow Burt Reynolds' grand-son.  No, really.  So that's where we are?  I tell you all of that...even though it doesn't matter.  Granted- they don't use the number in the Title, but I'm still supposed to treat this like a Sequel, right?  According to the prerequisite Making Of Featurette, Boll was not too happy with the results of the last film.  He 'learned his lesson' and got (in his words) 'a better Lead.'  He also made the rest of the Cast up of Bulgarian Actors, since they already sound European and don't have to fake Accents.  That's Uwe Boll logic for you.  The Story involves Dominic 'I was in Prison Break' Purcell as a Hired Gun who gets zapped to what may or may not be the Land from the previous Films via stupidity.  Can this new Hero save the day and do it...in the name of the King?  To find out, read on...

Purcell is a Hitman (wrong Franchise!) who is doing- wait for it- one last job: the Kidnapping of two young Heiresses.

Yeah, my 'last job' would totally be setting up two kids to be killed.  Our hero!

Fate intervenes, however, as he decides to take one of the girls' necklace and hold it up next to his matching tattoo.   The result: he gets sucked through Time (or to another Dimension...maybe)!

He is very confused when he's suddenly in the Woods.  He's even more confused when a Dragon shows up!

Speaking of confusion...

Purcell never musters more than a 3 on the Emotional Scale of 1-10 (11 being a manic Nic Cage).  He's just confused, bewildered or just generally-bored.

On top of that, his Character is just plain inept.  I guess it's more realistic than 'I'm suddenly a great Knight,' but why make him a Professional Killer then.  It's like one person wrote the beginning (where's he's good) and someone else wrote an 'unlikely hero' rest of the Film.  Weird.

Speaking of weird, the token Romance Sub-Plot has no build-up and no real pay-off.  Writing is power.

Sparing you alot of details (as it is a fairly-new Film), I will tell you that we get the token Forest Battle as well.  While Purcell is now a better Hero (thanks to roughly two days of basic Sword Training), he's still kind of bad.

The action spills back to our Time/World and the Dragon comes along.  Well, it is the only interesting thing in the Movie, so it might as well.

Fun Fact: the Boss in our Time/World and the evil would-be King are played by the same Actor.  If you think that there's any overt reference to this or any pay-off, you don't know Uwe Boll Films.

It's also worth noting that there is a matching pair of ladies in the Fantasy Time/World (but older) to the real one, but also no pay-off to that.  Are we going to blame this patchwork Script on the Writer's Strike from 2008 as well?

I won't SPOIL the Ending, but you can probably guess what happens.  However, there are some amazingly-dumb things that you may or may not guess.

Rent/buy at your own risk/leisure.  The End.

Wow, this is lame.  It was a hard task, but Boll made a film that was more disappointing than the last In the Name of the King Film!  Congratulations?  The Positives: The Dragon looks neat and the Bulgarian Forest is pretty.  That's it.  To be fair, the Dragon is not all that special, but the Effects are nice enough.  Everything else is either dull, disappointing or just plain bad.  This whole movie is just a series of 'meh' moments that just keep going until the Credits roll.  Boll has made passable Films (The Final Storm,Farcry), truly awful Films (Postal, Blubberella) and ones that just showed how little he cared (In the Name of the King 2, Bloodrayne 3).  This is definitely the latter, although it has some awful moments in it too.  According to the Featurette, he's proud of his 'Message Films' like Assault on Wall Street (also with Purcell) and Fist of the Reich.  Good for you- just to stick to making those instead!  Look what your shitty Directing is doing to poor Dominic Purcell here!

Next up, a film I was specifically-invited to Review.  I would be lying if I was happy to get the Invite by the time the film was over!  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible: Zombie Massacre (aka Apocalypse Z)

Well, it's not the worst Uwe Boll film I've watched.  Granted- he's only a Producer here.  Even so, I wanted to at least say one good thing about the movie in this review.  Is that out of the way now?  Good.  Today's film is Zombie Massacre aka Apocalypse Z (in Europe).  Guess what it's about.  That's right- Soldiers trying to escape from an Atom Bomb (we still use those?).  Oh and there are Zombies too.  The plot involves a government cover-up, a Covert Ops mission and a bunch of the 'sort-of' undead.  This is one of those 'science makes zombies' movies.  It's also one of those really dumb, mindless movies too.  Yes, it has no braaaains.  If everyone else makes that joke, why shouldn't I?  The film is as stock and silly as it gets.  Is it Terrible though?  To find out, you'll have to read on...

The film begins with a mysterious rain cloud transforming some of the citizens into zombies.  They are odd-looking ones too, as they apparently get turned into what look more like 'Buffy Vampires.'

As it turns out, this was all due to some military experiment that got loose in Romania.  They send in Soldiers to contain the mess, but it's only a temporary solution.

What is their permanent solution?

It's simple- send in a team to set off an Atom Bomb near the Nuclear Power Planet (which every village has) to destroy all of the evidence.  Leading the team is this guy: a Soldier who will get a pardon for his job.

His skill appears to be standing still while posing shirtless.

The rest of the group is made up of Mercenaries.  They have one character trait and...that's it.

Good- I was worried that I would care about these characters!

The group find out that they have been double-crossed, as the bomb is set on their truck aka their only way out of the city in time.

This leads to several scenes of them shooting/killing a bunch of Zombies.  The high/low point: when the Bomb Guy lightly sets an empty barrel on a Zombie, apparently killing it.  No, really.

The movie just sort of devolves into a series of scenes of them going somewhere, having to stop, fighting zombies and then going again.  Although, there is one scene worth noting...

Uwe Boll (the Producer) has a Cameo as the President of the United States.

On the plus side, he's only in one scene.  On the negative side, I'm 'spared' a death scene like in Postal.

The group eventually meets up with the Daughter of the man behind the experiment.  The film is nice enough to stop the 'story' cold to show a prolonged flashback to his death.  So...yea.

As for the Daughter, she's basically there to fall in love with our lead and occasionally shoot some Zombies.

I won't SPOIL the whole film, since it came out in the States this year.

I will say that you won't be missing much, even with this random Resident Evil villain that just kind of shows up when the film is starting to reach its Climax.  The End.

Wow, this one is just dumb.  Dumb is really the best word for this film.  It's not completely Terrible.  It is shot properly and everyone is on camera.  There are no scenes of a dog eating food out of a Bible.  Unlike many Project Terrible films, it was all in focus and I knew what was going on at all times.  The big thing is that there is so little substance to this thing.  The characters are one-note, there are zero surprises and so much of it is just filler.  There are at least three 'Oh no, we're stuck for X minutes and...there come Zombies.'  The film can't even balance the idea of suspense and excitement.  There are a number of scenes of them killing the Zombies with ease.  At one point, they are just shooting them safely from a roof.  How safe is it?  It's SO safe that they have the 'Tell about the Father and how he died' flashback and cut back with nothing having have changed!  Seriously, the guy just stopped shooting to deliver plot exposition at length with no danger!  In later scenes, however, we get the 'We can't fight out way out' Trope a few times.  Um, no.  This is not quite the same as the awkward contrast between 'We kick ass!' and 'We are in danger!' scenes in To Kako (aka Evil).  So, yeah, this isn't as bad as Evil or Postal were.  That's the best you're to get Uwe Boll.  Not your worst choice yet, Maynard.

Next up, I cover a film that I've been holding onto for a while (since October was about Horror Films).  It stars a Wrestler, a Boxer and Shannon Tweed.  Stay tuned...

'Deep Blue Sea' Moments: Far Cry

Far Cry sucked.  There are many reasons that it sucks.  It did give me one thing that I haven't done in a while...

In the cold open, a bunch of soldiers are attacked by an unseen creature.  Despite this P.O.V. shot, they can't see it.  Already failing, Boll!

After wasting about 400 bullets on nothing, the man in the mounted gun decides to taunt the monster that can flip a truck and is seemingly invincible.  This leads to...

Him being yanked into the truck and his off-screen death.  So much for you, Random Soldier #5!

I suppose you're asking how the monster got into the truck in the first place without them noticing.  That's...a good question, actually.  No matter how much I yelled at the screen, I got no answer to my query.

If you want to see more Deep Blue Sea Moments, send me suggestions for them and I'll give them a look.

Boll-Shit: In the Name of the King 2- Two Worlds

Uwe Boll hates sequels as much as he clearly hates us.  With a multi-year career and about a dozen-plus films to his name, he only has two actual sequels.  There are two other Boll films with sequels- House of the Dead 2 and Alone in the Dark II- but he didn't Direct them.  What inspired him to make another Dungeon Siege movie?  Oh, excuse, this is not a Dungeon Siege movie- that would be silly.  It's not like there are Dungeons in this movie.  Mind you, there weren't any Dungeons in that movie either.  That movie was a huge budget for Boll- about $60 million- and didn't even come close to recouping.  After vowing to never do it again, he made this movie last year.  This movie is not big-budget, so gone are stars like Jason Statham and even lesser stars like Claire Forlani.  In their place- Dolph Lundgren.  I love you, Dolph, but you have to say no sometimes.  This movie's plot is ridiculous and excises as much of the previous film as was humanely possible.  This is a fairly-new release, but I'm not holding back on the plot.  If you want to avoid SPOILERS, just skip this one.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.  To find out why this film doesn't even have a title card, read on...

A wizard lady fights some bandits off in the Woods and makes it to...Vancouver.  On the plus side, they're actually setting it in Vancouver and not calling it Chicago or New York.

This is Dolph.  He teaches Self-Defense, but is sad about his friends dying in the Gulf War 10 years ago.  He's the hero and the Narrator.  Even he doesn't seem to be taking this shit seriously.

The wizard lady helps our hero out from the hooded thugs and takes him through a cheap, CG portal to the Dungeon Siege world.  They excised that part of the title, but kept the land.

In place of Statham, we have Boll-alumni Lochlyn Munro as King Raven.  Quoth the him: Nevermore.

He rules the surviving people of the land- a plague was unleashed- from his $200 fort.  This is why some films use $60 million budgets FYI.

Dolph and a lady doctor are sent to kill an Evil Witch (damn you, Alone in the Dark II!)...but he finds her camp to be friendly.  Confused?  Well, here's the deal.

She explains that King Raven is actually evil and sends Dolph out to stop him.  She doesn't actually present any evidence- he just believes her.  Oh yeah, this Dragon shows up.  One point for Boll...out of 10,000,000,001.

In The End, Dolph battles Raven in an amazingly one-sided brawl...in his house.  Holy out-matched villain, Batman!  He then mourns his exit from the D.S. land...even though they never show the Portal in his house close!

Our sequel...sequel bait ending involves a random necklace given to him glowing.  That or he could just go downstairs!  The End.

You can keep both Worlds, Boll!  This movie is just awful for a number of reasons.  The biggest: it's dull and listless.  The action scenes spice things up, but everything is as bland as room temperature water.  The characters are not that interesting.  Dolph is the most interesting, but his sarcastic tone comes off more like he's an asshole.  I guess because everyone else is an asshole to him, that makes it okay.  No.  No, it doesn't.  As I said, I love Dolph, but he is not right for a sarcastic character.  Other than him, all of the actors appear to mostly be 'window-dressing.'  Even the suddenly-evil villain fails to ham it up like the role requires, nor is he scary enough to be taken seriously.  Not scary and not funny- pointless.  I wish that this movie had some ridiculous shit to talk about...but it doesn't.  Even a plot twist like Dolph Lundgren being Statham's time-lost son- who was in turn the son of Burt Reynolds (!!!)- is just kind of there.  Can a movie about a time-traveling soldier fighting an evil king alongside a witch while a dragon lurks in the forest be dull.  Apparently it can be, yes.  Take us away, lame green-screen effect...

Next up, a '70s film with a great title.  Can the cheap-ass DVD transfer ruin the potential?  Stay tuned...

Newer Crap: Bloodrayne- The Third Reich

What happens when a licensed film actually does what is supposed to?  Uwe Boll's Bloodrayne excised the plot of the game, save for the title character.  The sequel- future review, no doubt- was set in the Old West, a setting that is also not from the game(s- at this point).  Finally, the most recent part of the series is actually set during WWII, the one used in the game.  Halle-freaking-lujah!  What is the plot, you ask?  Bloodrayne fights Nazis because...well, what reason do you need to fight Nazis?  A new enemy emerges (in a silly way) raising the stakes and proving that there is a worse thing to fight than a Nazi.  No, it's not a Hippie!  We've still got Uwe Boll here, plus a moderate budget (around $20 million), so I'm not setting my expectations high here.  Bring out your stock characters as we meet up with...

Bloodrayne fights Nazis.  Along the way, she gets shot by a Lieutenant and feeds on him.  Due to her wound, she apparently infects him in the process.  Right.

The now-vampire Nazi meets up with a scientist (family co-star Clint Howard) who is really interested in vampires.

Pointless gore shot- check.  Seriously, this random vampire gets his organs pulled out to fulfill the movie's quote.  Done and done.

While he doesn't take the transformation too well, the Nazi takes it in stride eventually and tries to create a newer master race.  Speaking of Hitler...

In a random dream sequence, 'Rayne is attacked by vampire Hitler.  WHAT THE HELL?!?  Why isn't this the plot and not what we actually got?  Dream over.

'Rayne helps pad out the run-time by posing in front of Romanian Castles, having a romance with a Freedom Fighter and having a softcore lesbian tease.  Yeah, they go here.

All of this builds up to an anti-climactic battle on a roadway involving the Nazis, 'Rayne and the Freedom Fighters.  As a newer release, I won't spoil things...

...too much.  The End.

Bite me, Uwe- but not as hard as usual.  The plot of this movie is simple- a bit too much.  There are only about four characters that really matter here: 'Rayne, the Vampire Nazi, Howard and the lead Freedom Fighter.  Other than that, every other character is pretty much there to die or, in one case, lead to some cheap, fan service.  That's part of what makes the climax so silly, since the rest of the resistance group are suddenly built up as our heroes (since our two leads are captured).  It's just like 'Oh shit- I forgot to write them as important.  Oh well.'  In the movie's defense, there is a pretty good amount of action (although spaced out too much), plenty of blood and, obviously, that one fan service moment.  Besides that, the acting is pretty cheesy, you get a ton of people from previous Boll films (Malthe, Pare, Fletcher) and the movie never really appears to be all that expensive.  There's a line between being a cheap film and looking like a cheap film, folks.  If you like a film that involves Nazis, vampires and is not terrible, check this out.  That's probably the nicest thing I've said about any Boll film, so take that for what it is.

Next up, a recent flop that combines the Western and the Wuxia Film.  The result- a confusing, unfunny mess of a film.  Stay tuned...