4,200th Post Celebration!: The Top 19 Worst Films of Mondo Bizarro- 2009 to 2019!

This is the big one!

I went through my listings of the Worst Films of Previous Years to cherry pick the best of the worst.  So many bad Films to choose from!

I can't guarantee that every Year will be represented in the final List, but they definitely got some contenders.

Dishonorable Mentions:  Uli Lommel's Black Dahlia, We Are the Strange, Offspring,  Beware! Children At Play, The New York Centerfold Massacre, Pocahauntus AND Dating A Zombie

19. The Fat Spy: A Film so bad that I kept it at home just to keep it out of circulation.  I realize how little that helps, but I did it all the same.

It's an unfunny Comedy with bad Acting and it looks cheap.  Bad Comedies are usually the worst things in the World.  It's hard to imagine that Jane Mansfield did this, but somehow thought Hillbillys in a Haunted House was too bad.

18. The Skeleton Key 2- 667- Neighbor of the Beast: Will I ever go back to try and finish this?  It has to be a Worst of the Worst one, maybe.

I tried watching the Film, but it gave you no setup for its weird nonsense.  I remember a Genie.  Lots of POV Exposition.  It gets so pointlessly META while explaining nothing that I haven't touched it for 10 years!

For comparison, I have rewatched the #3 pick (to compare the Cuts) and the #2 pick (with Rifftrax).

17. Revenge of the Living Dead Girls: A knock off of something that wasn't actually that great- joy.

This is a faux Sequel to a French Horror Film.  That one involved a woman dying, but coming back when exposed to chemicals and killing people.  It inspired a Rob Zombie song.

This one has 3 ladies dying from drinking poisoned milk and killing people.  On the plus side, it does hold historical importance as MY first Project Terrible Review.

16. The Human Race: A terrible Film and a bad pun- almost worth it!

This bizarre Film has an interesting (in theory) premise- run a race or die!  It gets really dumb and morose with it, of course, ruining the whole thing.  That's even before giant Angels (or something) show up...maybe.

15. Roar: If the ranking was based on how bad it was to shoot the Film, this would be #1.

A wrong-headed, right-hearted man wanted to show you that we could live and interact with jungle cats.  As such, he made a Movie where his FAMILY was surrounded by these Apex Predators at all times.  Many people were wounded, his Stepdaughter needed plastic surgery and Jan De Bont (yes, the guy from Twister) was scalped.

It's not even a very good Film regardless of this.

14. The Twilight Series: Low hanging fruit.

On one hand, I could have made this just a Dishonorable Mention.  On the other hand, I watched all of the Films (out at the time) for Project Terrible and the other guy never did his Films.  As such, I suffered alone for no reason.

13. Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning: A Film so bad I also made Bob watch it.  I'm a good friend.

This is actually the 6th Film in a Series (which explains why the Plot is confusing), but the only one on DVD.  It is a Parody of Star Trek and Babylon 5.

The Effects are mostly bad, but the Plot and Characters are just irredeemable, so why bother watching?

12. Old Mother Riley Meets the Vampire: The combo of Bad Comedy and sad performance by Actor who could do better.

In 1952, Bela Lugosi went to London to play Dracula again.  The Play bombed and he was now 'stuck' in England.  To pay for his trip home, he agreed to be the bad guy in this Film, wherein he'd riff on Dracula and his role in The Phantom Creeps.

He's fine in this.  The Lead in Drag- clearly inspiring Tyler Perry- is awful and nothing else is good either.

11. Homoti: Project Terrible continues to live up to its name!

This is one of the many E.T. knockoffs, but also one of the worst.  It is the 2nd Turkish E.T Film to boot!  Its suit is terrible, its Plot is boring and it just kind of sucks.

Bonus- the YouTube upload only has Subtitles for the first 10 minutes.

10. Hobgoblins 2: The Sequel to a Film I'm paying to see in a Theater for the first time ever.

Whenever I get to see Rifftrax do Hobgoblins, it will be better than this.  The Writer/Director is back due to 'every other Gremlins rip-off getting Sequels,' so we all get to suffer.

It's mostly a confusing rehash with slight updates- online dating in place of phone sex lines- and even less humor.  On the plus side, I got to tell the Director on Facebook that I would willingly pay to get his Hobgoblins 3 Script and keep it from being made.  Good times.

9. Astro-Zombies M3 and M4: I at least had company to suffer through these.

Decades after the original Astro Zombies, the late Ted V. Mikels came back for Mark of the Astro-Zombies.  He got enough money/interest/moxie to make 2 more.

As Bob can attest, they are both confusing, sometimes boring messes of Films that call back to even more obscure stuff like The Doll Squad.

8. Live Freaky, Die Freaky: This was abusing Sharon Tate's legacy before it was cool!

This Dark Comedy is a claymation nightmare about the Sharon Tate/La Bianca Murders.  You're supposed to laugh at this?  They make Tate look awful here and I don't know why.  It's tasteless and just not funny.

7. Psycho Shark: I suffer for you (and my own stupidity).

I thought that this would be trashy fun.  The premise is that a bunch of Busty Models from Japan come up against a giant shark.  Dumb, stupid fun.

The Movie is just them chatting, watching footage and laying around until the last 5 minutes.  It is the longest 65 minutes of your life!

6. Mummy Maniac: A terrible tease and a terrible Film.

Another Project Terrible Film and this one manages to make you think it is going to be something else.  A killer mummy?!?  Nope- a boring, chubby guy who kills women in his storage locker over and over again...and wraps the bodies up in toilet paper.

My Review is the same shots over and over again...but they are from different parts in the Film!

5. Carl J. Sukenick's Alien Beasts: It is hardly a Movie, so it just barely escapes the upper spots.

If you wanted to see what would happen if someone with friends and alot of Meth tried to make a Spy Film, this is it.  It has long pauses, long still frames, constant cuts to an old man named Abe 'watching the monitors' and more nonsense.

The drunk ramblings of a homeless man who just huffed a bag of paint to boot would be better than this!

4. The Time Machine (I Bought At A Yard Sale): Worst of the Worst was founded for this!

I had heard about this awful mess and didn't want to suffer alone.  Thanks, Bob.

Found for free on YouTube (to serve as their Resume), this Film has amazingly-bad everything.  A guy time travels...once and then finds a space ship.  The Film actually has him FORGET that he has a Time Machine!

You probably couldn't make something this bad if you tried (and people have!).

3. Good-Bye, Uncle Tom/Addio Zio Tom: I feel like I keep picking on this one...and with good reason.

Important recap- the 2 Directors of Mondo Cane (and more) were called Racists who made Fake Documentaries.  To silence their Critics, they made...a Fake Documentary about them seeing the Antebellum South.  Wait, what?!?

I got crap from a guy for covering the wrong cut, but whichever one you see, it is bad.  It is long, awful and bad.

2. Roller Gator: Why must I hurt myself so?!?

I heard about this Film in a Review of another Film. I thought- a Film about a talking/rapping purple Alligator puppet- hilarious!

The actual Film is shot on a handi-cam  (with visible shutter) and features CONSTANT GUITAR MUSIC over the whole Film.  It could be a fun train wreck of a Film if you didn't want to deafen yourself to escape the pain.

1. Actium Maximus- War of the Alien Dinosaurs: There's no topping this, right?

This one-and-done Film was seemingly-released by Troma as a joke to punish its Director.  He had clear visions for a big, futuristic world of wonder and horror.  He also only had like $20 and not enough friends to help.

It is long, bizarre and meandering.  As a final bonus, it ends on Sequel Bait!  Noooooooo!!!!

Here's to better Films from 2020 on. 

Not likely though, is it?

Lost in Translation?: Robowar

'Rip-off' is a dirty word.

That said, the Films can be fun in their own right.

Take Robowar, a fairly-obscure Film that rips off Predator- just with a robot.  They beat Kevin Sorbo to it by a while!

This being a Foreign Poster to a Foreign Film (from a different Country), there can be some issues...

I love it!

Wait- where's the rest of its head?!?

HAHAHAHA.

Just to be clear- I didn't remove anything from the head.  See for yourself...

All I did was sharpen the colors and sharpened some bits.  I didn't need to do much to this hilarious gem!

*Holiday* Lost in Translation?: Star Wars- The Empire Strikes Back

As this new 'Holiday' is here, I might as well use this as an excuse to post this crazy thing I worked on.

Star Wars has been an international phenomenon.  This includes Turkey, which is my best guess as to this one's origin. 

It has many of the right things, but still feels...weird.

Definitely not the weirdest Star Wars Poster out there- I think I've already done that one!- it is still an oddly-assembled Poster.

Plus, look how tiny the English Title is there!

Here's the untouched Original....

Not bad, but I like to think that I helped it get to the next level...

Mondo Weirdo: Born of Fire (1983)

I've missed you, Mondo Macabro.  Early in the life of this Site, I watched ALOT of Mondo Macabro Releases.  From Films about naughty girls to Turkish weirdness to Satanic Couples, I got plenty of mileage out of their stuff.  As time went on, they released a bunch of Nikkatsu stuff and...I was less interested.  On top of that, I found so much more craziness and I mostly forgot about them.  After months in my Queue, I finally watched today's Film- 1983's Born of Fire.  If you don't know, Mondo Macabro has a great Trailer Reel with every Disc, teasing you with Films to watch.  If you're me, you have probably seen most of them too.  In any event, all I knew about this one was random shots and a guy breathing fire.  The Plot: a Flutist goes to Turkey to save the World.  Yeah, there's more, but...that's enough for now.  To see how weird this Film you probably never heard of is, read on...

In a mix of shots, we see a woman and some weird guy looking at the Lunar Eclipse.  It is a bit more...skull-like than usual.

A Flutist is playing a Concert, thrilling many.

That is, of course, the least normal thing in the whole Film.  Woodwinds zing!

The Astronomer from earlier is drawn to the Concert right as he has visions and leaves.

For some reason, she's allowed back in his Dressing Room and they then find out that his Mother is dying.  As luck/fate would have it, she bonds with Mom before she dies.

After they both see some freaky stuff, they go to Turkey, which is where his Dad died.  They go there and are met by this mysterious fella.

He helps our Hero have a vision via Flute playing of his Father trying to stop a Ritual by the Master Musician (the freaky dude from earlier), only to be killed by fire.

Alongside a malformed mute, they do a ritual that...accidentally turns the lady evil.

This Film is mostly random Music and shots of Nature, but kudos for this one.

She dies after the Musician makes a creature be born from a husk somewhere else- why not?!?

To put a stop to him, we get...a Flute Battle.

He wins the battle and follows the drape that the woman was wearing when he put her in a puddle and it...makes a creature pull him into the water.  After random shots of Dervishes, the Film ends so...yea?

Weird.  This must be the only Film where a Flute factors into the Plot so much.  Flute Music powers magical ceremonies.  Flute Magic can lead to the destruction of the World.  Flute Battles decide the fate of the World!  To be fair, you need Flute Magic and the rare Skull Moon.  Who hasn't been to a Skull Moon Party though?  Neil DeGrasse Tyson goes wild at those!  Kidding aside, this is a nice-looking Film.  The problem is that the Plot is very much second to the visuals.  On top of that, the nearly non-stop Flute Music is a bit repetitive and droning at times.  Born of Fire looks neat, sometimes sounds neat...but doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  It is a pretty bit of what-the-hell for all you fans of that.  It wasn't for me, but I can at least appreciate the look of things.  Speaking of which, what the hell is this thing exactly?

Next up, another terrible Vampire Film that came with The Vulture's Eye.  Naturally, it involves... Spring Break?  Stay tuned...

Import/Export: Turkish Mad Max (aka Last Step of Death)

There's a reason that this is more of an informal Title.  Today's Film is Last Step to Death aka Turkish Mad Max.  So where did it get this reputation?  Well, it features the Star of Turkish Star Wars.  To be fair, that Film used Star Wars Stock Footage and was a Sci-Fi Film.  In this case, the Film is actually *not* Post- Apocalyptic, doesn't feature The Humongous (I know, right!) and is not about Oil.  The Star does dress like Mad Max for the latter half of the Film though.  Good enough!  The actual Plot involves our man teaming up with friend and a lady to save a Scientist behind a breakthrough.  Will cheesy Kung-Fu and shooting help?  To find out, read on...

This is our Hero.  He doesn't always drink, but when he does he does it while holding Dynamite.

When a Scientist has been kidnapped, he must team up with two other people that love both drinking and patronizing their enemies.

Here is Cuneyt Arkin dressed like Mel Gibson in The Road Warrior.  Quota met!

He also shoots people with a bow, so is this also Turkish Rambo: First Blood, Part II?

No, no it is not.

The Plot is basically people shoot other people, run away and fight, so let me just cover the silly stuff.

For example, why is there a string tied to this gate?  Oh- it's too pull it down for the 'explosion.'

Muzzle Flash technology sure has evolved in the last 30 years, right Bob?

In one of my favorite bits, this guy takes a bullet to the chest, does a turn and flips himself over!

In one last bit of silly, this 'grenade' blows up about four feet in front of these guys and they...flip towards the blast?!?

In the end, we get a little Mad Max as they...escape in a truck.  The Scientist's so-called cure is actually just some drugs though.  Oh.  The End.

Drat- not quite what I was expecting.  Don't get me wrong- it is a fun Film.  It is pure popcorn-fodder.  The Film is mostly just a pretense for silly banter, silly fighting and silly explosions.  I was kind of hoping for some more blatant rip-off stuff, that's all.  It does have Arkin wearing the iconic outfit, but that's about it.  I guess it kind of has a desert-like area for the end and people do get shot.  Does people being shot with arrows qualify this as Mad Max?  The only real problem here is that the Film just kind of runs together.  It isn't great, so the bare bones Plot really needs something else to hook you.  That certain something (if only there was a French phrase for this!) just isn't there.  It is fun, silly and shallow, but that's it.  If you want a more fun Turkish Film, watch Turkish Star Wars.  On the plus side, I beat The Cinema Snob to this one!  I can take solace in that and this motivational phrase...

Next up, a multi-Film look at the Universal Library by way of Japan.  When in doubt, turn Bela Japanese.  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible: Homoti

Courtesy of Maynard (and his titular Horror Movie Diary), here is something awful.

E.T. go home!  Seriously, just leave.  Thanks to the arrival of Steven Spielberg's friendly alien, a bunch of terrible Films came to be.  Nukie.  Mac & Me. Badi.  Thanks alot, jerk!  That leads to today's Film Homoti, a Turkish knock-off unrelated to the other Turkish knock-off (Badi).  This Film is most commonly known as Homo E.T.  I don't really know why.  There are many reasons for that, but I'll get to that later.  Here's what you need to know: this guy is hired to make up a Story about Aliens.  While he's doing that, a real one shows up.  Need I say more?  To find out more about this thing that has no right to exist, read on...

Our hero is a Tabloid Journalist who needs a Story.  In some lazy Exposition, we see him explain how people faked Stories about Monsters to sell Papers.  His spin has to be Aliens.

While out taking pictures for a fake Story, a real Alien shows up.  It...it hideous.

He talks to the Alien and they discuss such interesting things as Freedom of Speech and whether or not, the Alien can be interviewed officially.  It is all so...YAWN...interesting.

Now here's the problem for me: the Subtitles stop.

Seriously, whoever uploaded the one Copy of this on YT somehow only put Subtitles on for the first 10 minutes or so.  Huh?!?

So I can't tell you much about the Plot of the rest of the Film, but it features this hideous, rubber creature, so...it isn't The Seventh Seal.

I apologize for not telling you more about this scintillating Film and I just have to leave you hanging.  The End.

What the hell is this?  This...this is just bizarre.  I get the idea behind these kinds of Films and the stuff in India.  They just couldn't get the real thing and made their own.  It is the premise behind Be Kind Rewind!  Here's the thing: they don't have the skill to do this.  In Homoti's case, the suit is terrible.  It is awful.  In the first few minutes of seeing it, you can tell that the creature's 'body' is somehow disconnected from its legs.  You can see that its torso is just one piece of a suit.  Come on, guys!  Put a belt on the thing or something!  Aside from that, they manage to make the whole thing seem tedious.  I can't judge the Writing too much (since I can't decipher most of it), but it doesn't seem to rise above the rest of this.  I doubt that I missed any serious soliloquies or anything.  This is a cheap, ridiculous Film.  I doubt that Paul Rudd will ever make a running joke out of you.  Let's take one last look at this thing...

Next up, I cover one of two different Films to finish up my Project Terrible selections.  Either way, you are getting Aliens, so cheer up.  Stay tuned...

Turkish Delight: Rampage aka Turkish Rambo

Thank you, Internet.  Today's film is Rampage, alternately-known as Turkish Rambo.  It's a funnier title, so let's stick with it.  It was made in the '80s and tried to emulate the Rambo films.  It's not an exact copy, but there's enough there to justify the joke title.  The lead- Serdar- is pretty much just here to flex and not emote.  The film is brought to you by Cetin Inanc, the man who also made Turkish Star Wars- a classic of fun crap cinema.  The actual DVD, however, is brought to you by Ed Glaser, a guy with a plan, the ability to manufacture DVDs and that knows someone who speaks Turkish.  I've gotten movies under sillier pretenses, so why not?  This film's plot is a bit hard to nail down, especially as it gets closer to the Third Act and just blatantly cheats.  To find out more about this unearthed 'gem' from Turkey, read on...

After a bit of driving, some guy is kidnapped by bandits.  Two of the men behind the attack are wounded and captured.

Our emotionless hero is hired to break into the gang and rescue the guy.  As long as the job requires flexing and no emoting, he's their man!

The villain is a Bandit King who's face appears to be slowly melting.  I'd be evil if that was happening to me too.  Sorry, Turkish John Carradine!

There's a female character here.  Her role is to whimper and just generally doing nothing.  It's only in death that she serves a freaking point!

For rescuing the men from the Police, our hero is tortured.  Kind of a weirdly-evil boss, right?

Watch this scene to see the wonky Editing too.  It alternates between the shot below, him surrounding by dry rocks, random close-ups and back again.  It's...odd.

Why did they hire Serdar again?  Oh right- never mind.

Our hero goes off on a mission...for the guy who just tortured him and suits up.  He gets the colors 'wrong,' but you get points for trying.  You get double points for the goofy fighting.

Hey, this guy is in the movie.  He has no purpose and only appears in this one scene.  What.  The.  Hell?!?

Speaking of random, the final battle breaks out when Serdar brings the target back...who immediately says that he's a Cop...and so is the hostage.  Shooting time!

To make things even goofier, Serdar gets an RPG Launcher from a Thug.  He literally finds ammo lying on the ground all over the place.  What is this, Charlton Heston's compound?!?

The entire film is worth it for the hilarious RPG launching effect (accentuated by a THOOMP sound added by Glaser).  On top of that, the weapon blows up five feet from people...and then they die from the burns.  No, really.

With this silly weapon, our hero wins the day and just kind of leaves.  The End.

Thank you, Ed Glaser!  This movie is crap, but for all the reasons that make it hilarious.  The production values of nil, the script is silly and the movie just comes off as goofy.  It's too complicated for its own good...and then turns really silly.  Seriously, how does the guy that Serdar brought back to the bad guy know that he's undercover?  Not once does he say anything about it in front of the guy...so what the hell?  Maybe the guy didn't know it- he just said it to get the guy killed.  Dick.  Aside from that, Serdar has the range of a discus thrown by Stephen Hawking.  He just kind of makes sad faces during dramatic scenes and goes as blank as Lance Storm every other time in the movie.  He's very similar in that regard to Alexander Nevsky from Moscow Heat.  To be fair, this movie is Dubbed, somewhat for comic effect.  The movie is still pretty incompetent in an amusing way and I highly recommend it.  To get the film (and other works actually made by Ed Glaser), go here.  I highly-recommend it, silly fall and all.

Next up, I return to Paul Naschy territory with a film in which he plays three roles.  The story involves voodoo, soap opera plot twists and...Groucho Marx?  Stay tuned...