End This!: Lake Placid- The Final Chapter

It's all bite, folks.  Today's film is Lake Placid 4 aka Lake Placid: The Final Chapter.  Is that promise?  I ask because I've been misled by that subtitle when it has come Angel, Walking Tall, Puppet Master, Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street (which had The Final Nightmare).  Given the ending, I'm hesitant to trust you all the more, but let's just go with it.  So what new thing does the Fourth film give us?  Do we get to go to Space?   Do we get a Prequel set in Old West Times?  Do we get to Quest for Peace?  Nope.  Instead, we get giant Crocodiles...again.  I was really hoping that we'd get to collect whales, but I guess the same old shit will do.  To find out if the fourth time is the charm, read on...

Remember how Yancy Butler's character was clearly dead at the end of the last film?  Well, she agreed to appear in this dreck, so her character is alive here.  Writing!

After a vague time jump, she is working with the Fish & Game Department, since Poachers aren't often hired to do community service.  There is a new Sheriff, so Colin Ferguson is not in this one.  That will make at least one reader happy.

In the time between films, the lake has been locked down- finally!!!- and work is being done to fix the problem, once and for all.

In Plot B, a Hunter- Robert Englund- sneaks into the place to hunt some big game.  Yeah, I'd be raring to go hunt Crocodiles the size of a 4-Wheeler!

Plot C involves the daughter of the new Sheriff going off on a trip with the Swim Team.  Since the Driver is half-asleep, they manage to drive through the gate to the titular Lake, since the Hunters left it open.

Seriously, that's how they get around the giant Jurassic Park-style gate.  Ugh.

The goofiest kill: this guy getting sneak-attacked by a thirty-foot Crocodile.  Seriously, how is that possible?!?

This is only topped/matched by the stealth Gator from Supergator or the stealth bear from Grizzly.

Is it weird that they didn't give the Crocodile a gullet here?  I mean, if this CG model is accurate, it couldn't possibly eat anything!

I won't SPOIL the whole thing, but I will say that the Climax involves the classic pairing of shitty CG and Main Character Powers.  How is she doing this?!?

I will give you just this one SPOILER though.  It's clear that Butler is Immortal at this point, so you had to see this coming.

The one thing I should note is that this movie ends on some Sequel Bait.  Isn't this the Final Chapter?  Ugh.  The End.

Chomp chomp.  Okay, so is this really the end?  If so, I'm not going to shed a tear.  I would like to say that this film was the final, crowning achievement of the series.  It's not.  It's pretty much just the same film, only with four plots thrown together.  You have the Sheriff's romance plot, the Hunter plot, one half of the group in the Woods plot and the other half of the group in the Woods plot.  The remnants careen together like Nascar debris.  The parts they build up- like the Field & Game guy's son working with Englund- don't really go that far.  This is the usual Syfy Channel film- nothing more, nothing less.  The CG looks decent at times, with a lot of dark textures on the creatures.  I'm not exactly going to praise it for looking life-like, since none of them manage to pull that off.  In the end, this is nothing that you haven't seen, only with Robert Englund and CG Crocodiles.  That said, I'm not completely mad at their efforts for two big reasons...

Next up, the belated 4-Year Anniversary post.  If you want to see me cover something you never thought

Werewolf Week: Wolvesbayne

Welcome to Dracula's Curse!  As weird as this sentence sounds, today's movie appears to be a rip-off of an Asylum film.  I know, I'm shocked too!  The film in question is Bram Stoker's Dracula's Curse, a film I reviewed just over a year ago.  The similarities are so striking that I'm just amazed that anyone would touch it.  I'll go more into the plot similarities in the review, but I'll point out that a lot of the cast is shared among both films.  Both films have Rhett Giles and Leigh Scott, a common Asylum performer.  In a bit of confusion, the IMDB page for the films does not list them as being related.  However, whoever wrote the FAQs for them seems to disagree.  The same page also lists Curse as 'Following' Frankenstein Reborn and The Beast of Bray Road...since they have a lot of the same cast (Ghiles, etc).  So, in summary, IMDB is about as trustworthy as your neighborhood coke dealer.  With an all-star cast that includes one of the London twins, I'm sure that we'll get something great.  To see more proof to the contrary, read on...

In an exposition dump full of cheap CG and bad acting, we learn that a bunch of vampires locked up Lilith for all time, hoping that she wouldn't come back.  Considering that it's a well-worn Yancy Butler, it's a shame that they failed...

Oh yeah, they use the Nosferatu Amulet.  Words fail me.

The main plot involves a jerk (London) trying to get a building development done and rubbing a shop owner the wrong way.  Thanks to a random werewolf attack, he gets dragged into a plot involving werewolves, vampires and...

Rhett Ghiles, again playing a Van Helsing.  Is he the same guy?  Considering that he's not a vampire and his vampire girlfriend- aka 'The Bitch from Monster- is not here, I'd say 'no.'  I mean...sequel!

You have to see Mark Dacascos and his weird zombie/vampire make-up.  It almost makes the movie worth seeing- almost.

Leigh Scott is here as 'The Old Man,' a vampire Lord...or something.  He's clearly the same character, as shown by this comparison between the two films...

The plot gets a little bit jumbled thanks to this weird idea of cross-cutting between action scenes.  In one part, they jump between four different ones!  Random image!

With that out of the way, let's focus on the silly climax involving Lilith back alive and using magic.  ILM must be so jealous...

Scott's different Old Man meets a weird fate as he's zapped by...um, force lightning and aged to death.  There's no way that I can top this silliness unless...

...this happens.  The day is saved...for about five minutes, as the film ends on a climax Super Mario Bros-style.  Good luck.  The End.

I can't wait for the next 'sequel!'  The plot of this movie is kind of weird.  Basically, a guy is a complete dick, gets cursed with being a werewolf and just kind of randomly gets involved in a multi-century long feud.  Is he ultimately important to the story?  No.  He's just a plot device for people to explain the plot the audience.  With your main character pointless, who is there to root for?  Well, Dacascos is hilarious to watch, even if he is the villain.  Everyone else- meh.  The film tries to make me care, but I don't.  The bulk of the film is relegated to random plot points- the vampire hunters are assholes- and London being trained to fight using his werewolf powers...but not transforming.  Sorry, no budget!  The film is pretty terrible and forgettable, but there are glimmers of decent action- mostly Dacascos and his ability to randomly-teleport- and silly effects.  Here's an insult that might confuse you- it's not nearly as good as Dracula's Curse...which also sucks, but not as much as most Asylum films.  Just stick to that movie and it's random devil vampire.  He needs a movie, as opposed to silly crap like this...

Next up, a Werewolf film that rips off Freddy Kreuger and involves rape.  It's amazing how obscure this crap is!  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Three-quels: Lake Placid 3

Syfy Channel- give it up!  After Lake Placid was a surprise hit in 1998, a sequel was made...Direct-to-DVD...nearly ten years later.  Evidently, the film was profitable enough for yet another sequel.  The catch- no returning actors, plus Maine is being 'doubled' by Romania.  Instead of an actor who's career is defined by a TV show he made in the '70s, we get the star of a Syfy Channel series (Eureka).  I guess if we give them enough time and we'll see Lake Placid 4 starring Michael Shanks (from Stargate SG:1), Lake Placid 5 starring Pete Lattimer (from Warehouse 13) and Lake Placid 6 starring the team from Ghost Hunters!  Colin Ferguson is a good actor from what I've seen, but boy is he wasted here.  If you like your actors in a state of permanent confusion/bemusement, you're in luck!  Are you properly-prepared to be disappointed?  Good.  Let's put away our meat vests before our stop in...

After the opening credits, a couple goes out to the lake to have sex, but get eaten by baby alligators.

Said alligators grow much bigger in the THREE YEAR time-jump made in the film as Ferguson is now a resident of the town and works for the Fish & Game Agency.

 He suspects for a long time that crocodiles are still in the lake, a fact that upsets the new Sheriff (Michael Ironside).  Even after they find a dead, prop deer, he's still not a believer.

I should mention that the DVD version is the Unrated Version.  Can you tell yet?

In one of the film's many sub-plots, a man hires a well-worn Yancy Butler to find his girlfriend (the brunette above).  The trip doesn't go well since, well, they're on the titular lake.

The crocodiles find their way home (since Ferguson lives in the sister's house from Lake Placid 2) and eat some people.  Gotta love that CG.

Life doesn't go well for the hunters.  You won't believe who gets shot and why...because it's really stupid.

The battle moves into the studio back-drop town and the crocodiles chase them into a store.  Way to re-use those sets, guys!

The film's climax involves a gas station, a crocodile and some laughable, CG gore.  Boom goes the crocodile.  The End.

We're back- a crocodile tale!  The plot of this movie is a bit of a stretch, at least the way it's done.  Here's the thing- there is too much plot and too little focus.  We have the Ferguson sub-plot, the kid's sub-plot, the hikers' sub-plot and the hunters' sub-plot (which is itself mixed with the one guy's sub-plot).  The bottom line: there is too much going on here to ever get a vested interest.  Characters die in bursts or at random, while others survive ridiculous amounts of damage.  Note how durable the Russian nanny and Yancy Butler are!  Speaking of Yancy, hard-living is not good for you.  Kids, if you plan to start drinking, just compare a picture of her from the Witchblade show and one from here!  The Special Effects here are usually worse than in Lake Placid 1 and 2, which is astounding.  Mind you, the original film was made by a major studio, but the latter was not.  Even the good actors here (Ferguson and Ironside) do not bring this movie up.  There is a certain humorous appeal to be had here and the Unrated cut does have nudity, but it still sucks overall.  Did I just blow your mind?

Next up, William Peter Blatty delivers his second (and final- so far) film with a sequel to his own work.  My question- why is Fabio in it?  Stay tuned...