Tubi Thursday: Cutting Class (1989)

 How have I not ever done this one?!?

Oh right- it is a Horror Comedy.

Let's see how good a Film that sat on a shelf for 2 years before being released truly is...

Our Final Girl's Dad- Martin Mull- goes out hunting and is, well, hunted himself.

He's shot with an arrow...but he'll keep popping throughout the Film.
It is that kind of Film.

The Film focuses on her and her friends- notably Brad Pitt is among them.

He's 80% of the reason this got an HD Remaster.

They're all kind of jerks, but she's nice.
That's the rule, right?

Another Student is back from a long time away in a Mental Hospital.

The fact that he looks like early '90s Jim Bruer doesn't help his case for sanity either.

The School is also full of jerks in authority, like the Principal here.

Roddy McDowall is back in this kind of role and, like Angel IV: Undercover, he's never punished for his crimes.

He was also the Principal in 'Class of 1999.'

People start dying at the School, though the killer does a good job hiding the bodies.

He manages to kill the Art Teacher (see the Stinger), the Slutty Friend and some random guy before his offing of the Vice Principal is discovered.

The 'crazy' guy is blamed- he also just wandered up as the body was found- and goes into hiding.

He tries to convince our Final Girl that he's not the killer- Brad Pitt is.

To see how it all plays out, stream it now.

A Film that is actually kind of...good?  It's not great, but it has moments.

I was worried about this one as a 'Horror Comedy.'  That is harder to pull off than people think.
This one just has weird, silly moments, but never makes humor out of the deaths.

The big draw here since, well, the 1990s is Brad Pitt as the main Jock.  He's pretty good.  He definitely goes a bit broad at times, but that could be part of an issue with the direction.

This Film was Directed by Rospo Pallenberg (who co-wrote for stuff like Exorcist 2 and Zardoz).  It is his only Film as a Director...and, as mentioned, was shelved for 2 years.

The Writer did go on to create Salute Your Shorts, at least.

All in all, it is a Horror Comedy that is played mostly-straight and kind of works.  It won't (and didn't) win any Awards, but it was enjoyable for me.

And now a quick look at the Baywatch Auditions going on across town...

A Film that is mostly famous for its breakout Star.  It works as a fairly straight Slasher, in contrast to the slew of then-recent Parodies.

Rare Flix: Embryo (1976)

 As far as scary Movie Monsters go, this is pretty low on the list.  This is Embryo, a 1976 Sci-Fi/Horror Film.  No, it's not really about a killer Embryo.  A being has to be at least born to be a threat.  Granted- it could be a killer baby, provided that it has teeth like in the It's Alive Trilogy.  That or could be aborted, dumped in toxic waste and then come back for revenge.  Yes, that is a real Film.  What is this Film then?  This is one of those 'Science can be dangerous' Films that were all the rage in this time.  Science- it is evil...or something.  I wish that things have changed, but people think that Microsoft is putting chips in people through shots and that Liberals want to force everyone to have Sex Change Operations, so...maybe not.  In this case, a Doctor is trying to preserve life outside of the womb.  What a rat bastard!  To make a Movie happen, he makes a few (or many) mistakes along the way.  Notable Cast includes our Lead- Rock Hudson.  Oh boy, I'm really going all in for Pride Month, aren't I?!?  This is just a silly, well-meaning piece of silly Filmmaking, so I won't get *into the weeds* on the subject.  Mind you, there is still stuff being written about him and the situation, even as recently as 2010!  Other Cast Members include TV/Film mainstay Barbara Carrera and Diane Ladd, an Actress notable for many, many Films.  For me, it is Carnosaur.  There's also another name that I won't SPOIL here just yet.  To see how good Science can go bad, read on...

A Doctor- Hudson- is trying to provide a way to keep life sustainable outside of a womb, in case of such events as a miscarriage.

As luck (I guess!) would have it, he hits a pregnant dog with his car and can test his formula/devices on them.

The dark convenience of this is just that- nothing more.  I was expecting a twist that never came.

His work proves successful on one of the three embryos, with the dog aging up faster than normal thanks to his formula.

After LOTS of Voice-Over explaining his work (seriously, it's like they paid Rock by the word), he works on a human fetus.

Can he save it too?

He can!

The fetus grows to full Adulthood thanks to his drug, but he manages to stop the increased aging.

Now it is a Bond Girl- neat.

She picks up all of her knowledge while she is hidden in the Mansion.  He thinks that things are going great.  Is he right?

In a random-ass Scene, he takes her to a Party to see how she can interact with people.

She runs across a Chess Champion and beats him based on her reading all about the rules.

He doesn't take it well and he's...Roddy McDowall?!?

Well, forget about him- he's only in that Scene.  Bye, Roddy!

Back home, the 'titular' character runs into some problems- she is starting to age fast again.

Can she find a cure?  What will the cost be?

She captures the fiancée of Hudson's Son, convinced that she can take some enzymes (or something) from her unborn child to stop the aging process.

This won't end well.

It does not.

Hudson's Son is killed by the woman, the removed fetus is knocked over, his equipment/notes are destroyed...but I guess the Daughter-in-Law might live.

He chases down his experiment, leading a fiery car crash.

She's rapidly-aged to look like she's about 90, but she's also pregnant due to her hooking up with Hudson earlier.

As he's dragged away, we get a black screen and a baby's cry.  Sequel bait?  The End.

A silly, but self-important Film.  I didn't mention it earlier, but the Film begins with text explaining that the Science in the Film is based on real experiments.  They obviously go beyond what was viable at the time (or now).  Did they need that though?  Is it like the 'this really happened- for real' taglines/text crawls you'd get.  Remember the guy from Texas Chainsaw Massacre?  What a liar.  This sets the tone up for you and boy is it serious.  The Film is chock full of narration and science talk.  I think your average Episode of House has less medical jargon than this Film.  I wonder if Rock Hudson had the slightest idea what he was talking about in that Booth.  The Plot is decent, but adds nothing new.  She is evil because she doesn't have a soul...or something.  Ultimately, she just wants to stay alive- how dare she?!?  Yes, she does bad things.  Yes, that dog is apparently evil too.  Do they explain it?  No.  I guess if you artificially-age a dog outside of a womb, it is just plain evil.  Take notes, kids!  Embryo breaks no new grounds.  It's another one of those 'someone is evil because reasons' Movies that were all the rage.  You know what I mean.  It's not great.  It's not terrible.  Hudson was at least trying here, so good for him.  On the plus side, it is Public Domain, so go nuts.  As for me, I'm just wondering why the Husband of a Syrup Mascot did Make-Up work...

Next time, an '80s Film about how it isn't safe in the Water.  That sure narrows it down, huh?  Stay tuned...

Monkey Fails: Shakma

Shock the monkey already!  Today's film is Shakma, a film that I almost reviewed well over a year ago.  It was only available (to my legal knowledge) on YouTube at the time.  I watched a little...and gave up.  Well, it's on Netflix, so I gave it a second try.  You know that expression about your first instinct always being right?  Still true, it seems.  This 1990 film is essentially a Remixed Version of Monkey Shines, a film that's just so strange and quirky that it works.  This film, however, is dark and serious.  It's like when a boy reaches that age where suddenly you don't know anything and he's all moody.  Shakma is also kind of a hybrid between Shines and Link, the movie with the painted Orangutan.  The monkey in that film was big enough to be imposing, while this one is just kind of like a feral cat.  I don't necessarily doubt that it could kill you- as monkeys/apes can be deceptively-strong-, but I just think that it looks less scary.  According to someone at IMDB, it isn't even the titular species that appears in the film.  That one is apparently bigger and doesn't have the mane.  Like many bad movies to come from this time period, Roddy McDowall is here, plus Christopher Atkins on a downward career trend.  To see how this poorly-paced mess turns out (other than as a poorly-paced mess), read on...

The film opens with a Doctor (McDowall) opening up Shakma's brain and injecting it with some fluid.  It's supposed to suppress aggression...but does the opposite.  Our hero, however, doesn't kill it, setting up the movie.

Later that day, he sets up a sort of Real Life D&D Game in the building.  It's early LARPing!

This is, of course, a pretense to have everyone split up and be wandering around to get killed.  This John Landis-looking guy gets it first, but others soon follow suit.

This is the face...er, ass of terror, folks.  If you like seeing this monkey banging on doors, you're in luck- that makes up a good third of the film!

Seriously, this guy takes out about six to eight people in this film.  Oh and the building has no Security Guards, so no Poor Bastards of Cinema here.  Well, unless I count 'The Princess.'

To be fair, they do make this thing look scary a lot of the time.  It's mostly when it just smashes the place up.

The problem: nearly all of the shots like this are followed by it just running around and banging on doors.

In lieu of wasting any more of your time- or giving many SPOILERS-, here's an alternate cover art that makes you think that this film is about a giant Ape.  The End.

Monkey see, monkey sigh.  There is some promise here, but little is actually made of it.  People trapped in a building- not really- with a killer animal on the loose is simple, yet effective.  The problem(s) is that it's just not well put together.  As weird as this sounds, it's alternately too slow, too fast and then too slow again.  I'll explain.  You see, the film is a bit slow in the opening 'Set everything up' portion.  After that, we get a few kills done pretty quickly.  When the cast is whittled down to a handful, it suddenly slows down again.  I accidentally paused the film while watching it- by hitting a controller- and was shocked to learn that there was nearly an hour left in the film.  There were like four people left- what the hell?!?  This leads to a long portion of 'There's the monkey- hide!' followed by 'No, run over here!' and then 'The monkey is banging on the door- again.'  I'm just kind of amazed that they did such a bad job of this, given that it came out in 1990. There had been, what, 2,478 Slasher films made by then.  It's a neat *idea* for a film, but it's not a good *actual* film.  This goofy Asian Cover Art is cool though...

Next up, a three-part look at some Full Moon films that I bought recently as part of a set.  When in doubt, send in the clown!  Stay tuned...

Reflections: Mirror Mirror II- Raven Dance

Dance, Raven Dance!  Today's film is Mirror Mirror II: Raven Dance.  I actually mentioned this film long ago, but had not actually seen it until recently.  Basically, I highlighted the fact that Sarah Douglas is the female equivalent to Lance Henriksen- always starring in sequels to films in which she wasn't in the original.  She has Superman II (unless you count that one scene), Conan the Destroyer, Puppet Master 3 and others, while Lance has The Omen: Part II, Aliens, and Mimic III, among others.  Here's the thing though: she's barely in this.  She's in the movie like Neil Armstrong (R.I.P.) is in Mass Effect 3!  The plot is a bit confusing, so try to keep up...if I can.  All you need to know is that the Mirror is back and that shit goes down.  Everything else...I'm not sure.  To find out what I mean, read on...

In, I guess, the Present, a woman at an Institution (Douglas) is insisting that this mirror is evil.  The Nuns are not buying it.

Nice of the Nun from the cover of The Devil Inside to make a cameo.

Ready for things to get weird now?

The mirror makes some silly effects and suddenly it becomes, um, more present day.  Some rock band is there...for some reason and play in front of the mirror.  It makes some more silly effects & zaps our heroine and her brother to...somewhere.

Amidst this confusing plot, you can see one of the earliest roles by Mark Ruffalo.  He's the Joe Dalesandro of the film, but only because the other guy is Roddy McDowall.

The title comes from two-three scenes of the heroine dancing and a Raven showing up a couple of times.  No, really.

The whole movie involves a plan between McDowall and this lady to make our heroine lose all of her money by being crazy.  To that end, they hire...William Sanderson?  Why are you back here...and a different character?

That sure won't happen again in this series...right?

Remember what I said in the last review about one scene being in all of the films?  Yeah, this is it for Part II.

I should also mention that there's a scene where McDowall tries to molest our heroine.  Yeah, he'd totally try to molest a girl.  Ri-ight.

I can't even begin to explain what's happening here, but I can tell you that a monster comes out of the mirror and Ruffalo attacks it.  Is Ruffalo a spirit?  What is the monster?  These questions are never really answered.

All of a sudden, our heroine wakes up in the beginning of the movie, just with her in place of Douglas.  Time keeps on slipping?  The End.

Dear Lord, what is this movie?  Let's begin with the good stuff: it looks neat.  If I could actually decipher the plot, it might have some atmosphere.  The acting is not terrible, but it does fluctuate quite a bit.  Here's the problem: I have no idea what this movie is about.  When does the opening take place?  How does the mirror make our heroine teleport?  What is its plan?  Are McDowall and the blonde pawns of it?  Who is Mark Ruffalo here?  How can he always be angry?  How does that work?  Wait- I lost my focus there.  The point is that the movie is a confusing mess, making everything about it weaker.  A stupid story is at least able to be understood if you can place the reality in which it takes place.  This movie is a neat idea...I think.  If someone can explain what the actual idea is, by all means explain it to me.  While I await that explanation, I'm just going to keep making this face...

Next up, the third film takes a very strange turn.  On the plus, Billy Drago makes every film better...right?  Stay tuned...

Infamous Week: The Black Hole

It does not suck you in.  Many readers from Generation Z may not be aware that Disney- the monolith that controlled their childhood through teen years- was at one point bankrupt.  That's right- they nearly lost it all.  Imagine life if they had been forced to pawn off the Disney Vault!  You could buy any Disney film whenever you wanted, not just on leap years or on sacred Samhain.  What could have nearly brought down this monolithic company?  Common knowledge tells you that it was Tron, the film that was less successful than its arcade game counterpart.  That is...not exactly the truth.  The actual reason is a slew of films: The Black Hole, Tron and Something Wicked This Way Comes.  It was the successive failure of all three films that did this, much in the same way that over-printing and foil covers nearly brought down Marvel.  So what is this movie?  It's a fairly-dull sci-fi film about the discovery of a ship floating near the titular body in space.  What is the reason?  What could possibly be the purpose?  Why does the robot have creepy, doll eyes?  All of these questions will be answered- slowly- in today's review.  Hide your dead mother as we enter...

Oh my bad, we actually get two and a half minutes of music in front of this black screen.  Is this a DVD extra gone awry or did they really start the film like this?  If so, I can see why it bombed.  You're not Fantasia- which was also a flop, by the way.

The actual film begins with a spaceship flying around and coming across a black hole.  Norman Bates is intrigued...

...while this robot is...um, happy...sad...I don't know.  All I know is that those eyes are creepy as hell.  Kudos for getting Roddy McDowall to do the voice, even if he is uncredited.

This scientist- who is a dead ringer for Topol from Flash Gordon- has been doing some experiments with the black hole.  In addition, his whole crew is gone, while he has a bunch of robots in hoods walking around.  Hmm...

Our robot friend makes a buddy with a similar robot, voiced here by Slim Pickens (also uncredited).  I hope you like their scenes, because they help pad out the movie by at least fifteen minutes.

The Captain (Robert Forster) witnesses a robot funeral and finally figures out the truth: they're the crew.  Time to get the 'F' out of here!

In The End, the villain tries to fly the ship- with our heroes' ship in tow- into the Black Hole and out the other side.  They escape just in time to avoid this...

...what is this exactly?  Apparently Hell- or the evil Mountain from Fantasia- exists in the Black Hole.  Suck it, Stephen Hawking.  The End.

How did you not make money here?  The plot of this movie has potential, but squanders it.  The crazy scientist- good.  The mysterious vessel and the quest for power- good.  The ho-hum execution of the plot that just kind of meanders- bad.  The cast is alright, but they don't really get much to do.  Even a good actor like Forster just kind of sleepwalks through the role.  The role is written in such a generic manner that I wonder why he has a name- why not just call him Captain?!?  The whole thing is just played in such a lackadaisical manner that it is just amazing.  On top of that, the movie is full of weird, random things that never get explained.  Why cast McDowall and Pickens in roles like this?  Why does the female scientist have ESP?  More importantly, why does she have a psychic connection...with a robot?!?  How the hell does that work?!?  The ending is amazingly-random too.  It's easy to see why this movie failed- it's just dull.  Makes me wonder how Something Wicked This Way Comes looks after twenty-plus years.  Hmm...

Next up, one of the most infamous movie musicals of all-time (not starring The Village People).  No Beatles allowed.  Stay tuned...

'90s Trash: Unknown Origin

It's hard to talk about low-budget, direct-to-video films from the 1980s and '90s without mentioning Roger Corman.  

Considering that the last film he really directed was 1990's Frankenstein Unbound, it is amazing to think that he's had so much impact.  

Well, here's a bigger number for you: between 1980 and 2000, Corman is credited as Producer or Executive Producer on 216 films!  Damn!  

So yeah, as you may have guessed, this is one of those films.  If you like The Thing and you like Aliens, but felt that both films were too clever, I have a film for you.  

The film stars Roddy McDowall and William Shatner's daughter Melanie (who was also the sister from Subspecies II and III), as well a bunch of other people that I don't know.  

Fun side note: the Captain is played by Alex Hyde-White, the man who played Mr. Fantastic in Corman's Fantastic Four.  

Let's get right to this, shall we?  

Get out your blue Kool Aid for my review of...

The opening text crawl explains that "In the year 2020- man has used up and destroyed most of the Earth's resources."  

Don't go all 'hippie' on me now, Roger!  The point of all this is to establish that the world is kept running by deep-sea miners.  

Of course, we've used up "most of the Earth's resources," so there are plenty of resources...on Earth.  

The crew of the ship in question is a motley one, including a former American Gladiator woman, an old man, a bossy Captain, a black nerd, a stoner technician (good combo), a character who's totally not a robot and Roddy McDowall. 

 Every ship should have a Roddy McDowall!  

There's trouble on the ship when their workload quota is raised and everyone must work in the mines, even Roddy and his robot.  

In addition, a government employee (Shatner) is sent down to oversee them.  During some mining with the old man and McDowall, the former gets exposed to some radiation due to an accident by the latter.  

The Captain bitches at him about the error, but he's pretty nonchalant.  They receive a distress call from a Russian ship.  They discover a lot of corpses and one angry man, who ends up getting shot by the captain.  

The robot gets shot as well, revealing it's form.  Yeah, we all knew!  

In addition, they bring on a sample of rock that's 1,000,000+ years old.

Quick side note: their control room is clearly the same one from Carnosaur 2.  I mean, just look at that (above).  

Anyhow, one of the crewmen gets exposed to something from the material brought on board & gets sick.  When he goes through some spasms, the Gladiatrix breaks quarantine to try and save him, but fails.  

Guess what happens to her.  

When she gets infected, she smashes things up and dies.  The Captain orders them to burn the bodies (plus the Russian ones), but McDowall presses to be allowed to do an autopsy.  He's only given 48 hours to do so, however, and must make do.  

During this, he resets the robot to fix an error caused when it was shot.  Keep an eye out for that plot point to come back later.  

During all of this, the old man is recovering from his radiation poisoning.  Unfortunately, he gets attacked by an alien puppet...I mean, creature that attacks him.  

He is found in the room alone, but he somehow managed to break out of the restraints.  

This leads to numerous 'he's infected- I don't trust him' exchanges.  I hope you like those, because there about 600 of them in the film.  

The group splits up like in Aliens and looks for the creature, but ultimately just ends up spraying each other with gas and burning a parakeet.  Oh joy.

I hope you like 2nd and 3rd Act plot twists, because there are about 700 of those!  

Basically, a bunch of people shoot at the aliens, some of them get killed and people complain about how they 'can't trust anyone.'  

The Captain is a complete tool, offering to give up his gun as a trust exercise- only to pull it back out again a moment later.  Eventually, we learn that the aliens can place spores in the dead bodies that they use up.  

This allows them to kill some alien puppets...I mean, deadly creatures and still have people be possessed.  

The major target is McDowall, who has reprogrammed the robot to help him.  He sets the base to self-destruct, gets an escape pod ready and calls for a ship to meet him.  He does all of that without losing his glorious accent too!  

His plan is foiled, however, when he gets burned alive by the stoner guy.  

In one twist, we learn that the old man is possessed and he too gets killed.  

Shockingly, the stoner is also a host and gets shot too.  

It all comes down to the Captain and Ms. Shatner (who's done a lot of nothing here) who...are both possessed by some aliens.  

Why did they kill the spores earlier?  Because these aliens are dicks and want all the power for themselves.  

As the ship blows up, the pair agree to split up and wreak havoc on the rest of the world separately. 

The End.

This movie sucks.  

I mean, it's so generic and silly that it defies all attempts to make it sound really interesting. 

You took the aliens from Aliens, throw in a dash of intrigue and possession from The Thing and put it all in an environment that is basically space.  

Yes, it's underwater, but the motif still fits.  

Speaking of being underwater, the film likes to randomly cut to establishing shots of the base, even though they remain stationary the whole time.  Oh good, you're still on the ship- thanks!  

The acting in this film ranges for good (McDowall) to dull as dirt (Shatner).  Nobody is really terrible, but they do nothing to distinguish themselves.  

If you want to be in a movie so bad, try acting!  

The effects in this film are nothing to write about, so I won't.  

If you have to see every direct-to-video film, have at this movie.  

If not, you can skip this movie.  You've seen this movie twice when it was better- Aliens and The Thing.  

Enjoy this shot of an obvious stunt man covered in goo.  

Way to use that angle, guys!

Next up, how good can a film with a super-generic title be?  Does it help if I told you that it starred a famous hypnotist from The Johnny Carson Show.  Stay tuned...