Forgotten Sequels: Freeway 2- Confessions of a Trickbaby

A Title can really say it all.  Today's film is Freeway 2: Confessions of a Trickbaby, a very-much forgotten Film.  Just take that Title in, won't you?  If you don't know the Film, you probably want an explanation, right?  Well, Freeway was a twisted and modern version of Little Red Robin Hood.  'Hood' is Reese Witherspoon, a tough-girl criminal who takes the ride from 'The Wolf' aka Kiefer Sutherland.  It is a dark, crazy and visceral Film that stands out sharply against her usual body of work.  So, a few years later, the same Writer/Director comes up with another version using the similar motif.  Instead of Hood, it is an updated Version of 'Hansel & Gretel'.  See- the 'Hansel & Gretel' update is no new thing.  With a similar idea and not so different Characters, this Film is labeled as a Sequel, even though it never addresses the Original at all.  Two girls from 'the system' who decide to make a break for it.  I won't SPOIL just how they update the Witch quite yet.  To remember this crazy Film or to learn about it for the first time, read on...

Natasha Lyonne is a troubled girl who gets sentenced to be in a Facility for 25 years!  Mind you, anyone that hires David Allen Grier as their Attorney gets what they pay for.

She doesn't exactly fit in, as if this Exorcist-style response to authority is not a clear sign of that.

She escapes with a fellow Prisoner and they find a place to lay low.  Well, until the lady kills everyone else there.

So yeah, they both have issues.

Things go awry as one of them kills two Border Agents, so the pair flee to Tijuana for safety.  Meanwhile, the F.B.I. is tracking them (although they don't do much).

They do, however, stop for some debauchery and drug use.  You have to leave room to pencil that into any trip, after all.

The pair rob and beat up some people until they discover that a Sister from the Hispanic girl's past is there.  That Sister is...f#$k me- it's Vincent Gallo!

The Sister has some sort of nefarious plan.  Given that this is based on 'Hansel & Gretel,' you can guess what she is up to.

In addition, she is up to some really bad stuff (off-camera, no doubt to help them keep their R-Rating).  I will just say this: it involves baking.

Speaking of baking, our two heroines fight back when the truth is revealed and bust many caps in many asses.  They figure that it is only fitting to shove Sister Gallo into the Oven and bake him to death.  If only I could...

I won't SPOIL the Ending as it is appropriately-weird and fitting the tone of this Film.  The End.

It is just as weird as I remembered- for better or worse.  While it is not a Sequel in any normal way, it does feel like a Film in 'the Series.'  Given the shared Writer/Director, that makes sense.  The tone is the film's biggest draw and drawback.  It is weird, wacky and wicked- the three Ws.  You spend most of your time with the two, well, deviant characters.  They are not nice, but they are given enough back-story for you to see them as more than just criminals.  Even so, I'm sure that alot of you just won't be able to relate to them or just plain won't like them.  That's fine.  I will also say that the Film does spend a long time setting up them meeting up with the Sister.  To counter myself, I will point out that there is not alot to do once they've set up the villain.  They could have spent a little more time with him/her...but it is Vincent Gallo.  I, personally, can only take so much.  This Film is certainly not for everyone.  Hell, I'm a weirdo and even I can say that 'Yes, this is an odd one.'  You can all judge for yourselves.  What about you, Judge John Landis?

Next up, I tackle the newest Feature from The Cinema Snob.  Given the creativity of the Title, I'm sure that it will be great!  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible: Stranded

You tried to take me down at my own game?  Ha.  Today's film is the first of two films I'm doing courtesy of Bob over at Gaming Creatively.  He gave it to me because it looked boring and he thought that I couldn't write anything good about it.  First off, thanks for giving me the film that I can't write things about.  Sure makes my 'job' easier!  Secondly, I scoff at your logic.  I got three paragraphs out of Hobgoblins 2, so I can milk this film for all its worth.  This is a fairly-obscure- at least to me- Spanish film featuring one recognizable actor (again- to me) and Vincent Gallo.  His appearance is honestly the worst thing about this movie.  He's not that bad of an Actor here, mind you- he's just Vincent Gallo.  Naturally, he sticks around throughout the entire film!  To sum up how boring this movie really is (and have some fun with the movie's theme), I'm going to present this as my Diary Logs.  It will make sense (hopefully).  Come with me on my not-so-magical journey...

Hour 1: The film begins with a newscaster- who's English, ensuring an International release- talking to the Russian Captain.  Don't get used to him, he dies in the crash.  This Reporter also never shows up again.

Hour 2: I feel like I've been here for a month.  The film, so far, consists of 'We can't survive,' 'We have to survive,' 'There's no way that we can survive,' etc.  *Yawn*

Hour 4: They're doing the same thing- now in a different room.  Vincent Gallo continues to be, well, Vincent Gallo.  He's supposed to be the voice of reason.

Hour 5: My brain struggles to keep my body running.  Wait- who's that random guy in a cameo?  *Google search* Johnny Ramone?  The f#%^?!?!?

Hour 7: After bickering and random science talk, Gallo says that they can survive long enough to be rescued...or rather, two of them can.  Dun dun zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Hours 8-11: The three exiled Astronauts decide to just wander off in one direction until they run out of air.  Robinson Crusoe on Mars references help a bit, but this is pretty much just Gerry...in Space!!!

Hour 12: With the only interesting character dead, the other two keep wandering and find some alien wreckage.  What's that now?!?  Aliens.  Action.  Something interesting?!?

Hour 12.5: False Alarm.  It's just some random Alien sanctuary.  Good news: the guy who sent three of them out to die and, at one point, decides to give up and die masturbating survives.  Yea?  The End.

Thankfully, the film wasn't actually 12 and a half hours long!  Let me get this out of the way: the film is not made badly.  I was hoping for some actual effects, as opposed to over-edited shots, for the crash, but it's handled well-enough.  The problem with the film is the core concept.  The idea of people surviving in a wasteland/desert is not a bad one.  It's not even close to my favorite one, but I can live with it.  This premise writes them into a serious corner, however, as they have to either stay in the ship or walk slowly in space suits.  Take the boring nature of Gerry and transplant that into the back of a van.  Bad things can get worse, people!  Plus, Vincent Gallo.  To be fair...actually, screw that.  He's a jerk.  There's no 'but he can make good movie' excuse to give him- he's just a jerk.  I'm not even Roger Ebert's biggest fan- not even close-, but I choose him over Gallo in their stupid feud from years back.  His constant presence in the movie hurts it, much in the way that the random Johnny Ramone- without his trademark look- cameo does.  Is this movie Terrible?  No.  It's horribly-misguided and not for me, but I'd not call it Terrible.  If you want to see something that sounds Terrible, look up Gravity.  Moral Lesson of the Film...

Next up, Maynard Morrisey dumps a low-budget horror film on me.  Do you have what it takes to be...Goth?  Stay tuned...