'80s Trash: Mama Dracula (1980)

It sucked.  Yes, it is the obvious joke to make when Reviewing a bad Vampire Film, but, well, this movie earned it.  Besides, if THEY won't try to make good jokes, why should I?  This is Mama Dracula, a 1980 'Comedy' based very loosely on the Elisabeth Bathory legend.  They can't ever quite get it right, especially considering that History all but exonerates her.  It is most notable for its Star- Academy Award Winner Louise Fletcher.  'Nurse Ratchet' is here as the Title Character and is really the only classy thing here.  The Film was made by a Belgian Director known for a bunch of Sex Comedies before this and, well, nothing after that.  There's nothing too interesting to share about the Cast...but I do have one kind of confusing thing.  So the other Lead- he plays the Doctor- is also Belgian and has a long Career of doing English Dubbing on French Cartoons...despite speaking English here quite well...and doing many Films in French.  As a bonus, he was a Dubbing Actor on Subway, a Luc Besson Film I did a while back.  Sadly, he's not the Dubbed Voice for Lambert, which would just make this full circle.  Enough stalling- let's take a bite...

A Doctor- who's name is just 'blood' spelled differently- studying Blood and gets invited to a Blood Conference.

Note to self- Copyright Band Name 'Blood Conference.'  Don't read this.

He ends up in Transylvania (a bit made confusing by a shot of a Boat coming TO America and then a plane leaving it in the next Scene) and meets the twins.  They are the best and worst part of the Film.

Fletcher is Bathory and she wants him to make synthetic blood to feed her and her Sons.  Oh and her Sons are actual Vampires, while she is not.

Why?  Why not, I guess?

Things are a bit freaky in the Castle as work progresses.

On the plus side, the Twins do a pantomime bit.  It serves no purpose, but is at least the most interesting thing in the Film.

He does what he can to get the formula to work, but needs one thing: human blood.

After complaining about how they are evil for killing virgins for their blood, he now asks for it...

Cue 'Kidnapping women to kill for their blood' montage.

In the midst of this, they kidnap a different woman, but both Bathory and the Doctor fall for her.

It all *yawn* comes to a head as the Village finally storms the Castle, but is stopped by *sigh* Musical Theater.  Oh and the Lady marries both of the twins.  The End.

Ugh.  That could be the world's shortest Review for this Film- ugh.  It's not funny.  It's not scary.  It's not interesting.  It's the worst of all worlds.  Mama Dracula sucks.  Yeah, I'm using that joke again.  This Film didn't earn anything other than my general disgust and disdain.  Even this confusing bit where a Shark presents a birthday card to Bathory can't get a rise out of me...

Next time, I try to cover something better.  The bar is pretty low, so that should be easy, right?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Lucker the Necrophagous

This is a one-note movie.  That note: pointless violence.  That's probably enough of a review for alot of you, but I will still keep going.  Today's film is Lucker The Necrophagous, a Rare Flick from Belgium.  It went out-of-print for a long time, so, naturally, someone had to find a copy.  Thanks a ton!  Basically, a crazy guy is going around and killing women.  When he does that, he does all sorts of lovely stuff to their corpses.  I don't think that I need to say any more than that.  If this sounds familiar, it does bear a similarity to Anthrophagous, a film by Joe D'Amato.  That film is most famous for a scene where George Eastman's killer eats a woman's fetus (actually an uncooked rabbit).  That's what you're trying to copy, huh?  Alright then.  Will this 1986 Cult Film turn out to be a Restored Gem or just a Polished Turd?  To find out, read on...

A Serial Killer named Lucker is in a Hospital after a suicide attempt.  I guess the budget was too low to actually show the scar from when he supposedly cut his throat.

He, of course, escapes and starts to kill the people in the Hospital.  There is literally ZERO security for this Serial Killer who is in a normal Hospital.  Damn you, Belgium!

He escapes the building- which is really easy when you have a lax Screenplay- and pursues new prey.

Before he can do that, however, he discovers that his lone surviving victim is still around.  He has to thank THE WORST NEWS TEAM EVER for listing the new address of the woman.  

You have lots of blood on your hands, morons!

I suppose I could just save a lot of time and just start Cutting and Pasting this sentence: Lucker kills a random person just because they are there.

Oh and he does stop to take a power nap or two.  It is really tiring to kill people....um, or so I've heard.

Listen- if you kill a lady and start humping the corpse for awhile, you are going to get tuckered out.

Again- so I've been told.

He starts to kill more people, including two friends of our heroine, a random guy and the Landlord.  He leaves one of them alive to scream...and scream...and scream.

She's an all-scream version of one of those CDs you play at your house on Halloween.

More screaming.  She escapes.  More screaming.  Lucker keeps getting knocked down.  More screaming.

In the Finale, she catches Lucker climbing up an Elevator Shaft, closes the door and he seemingly falls to his death.  Well, until the Credits...if you care.  The End.

Ugh.  I don't hate gore in films.  There are many good films that are quite gory that I happen to love.  Waxwork is ridiculously-gory at times.  Cannibal Holocaust has gore so convincing that the Director was prosecuted for Murder.  So that's not the issue.  The issue is that this film is nothing but gore, screaming and the shock of people having bad things done to them.  There is nothing else here.  There is almost no Story.  There are pretty much no Characters other than Lucker (who barely qualifies).  It is just gore, implied Necrophilia and screaming.  There is ALOT of screaming.  Holy crap- shut up, lady!  I get being horrified when you find the bloody bed.  I get being scared by the threat of death.  I get being scared/horrified when he drags the other lady down in front of you.  That said, shut the hell up!  If you (as an Actress) can do nothing more than scream, why are you here?  In summary, it is dark, dreary gore with pretty much nothing else of redeeming value.  Take us away, unofficial Star Wars plug...

Up next, my final Project Terrible film.  Can I take another Morrisey pick or will this be the final Incident for me?  Stay tuned...

Love Day Celebration: Crazy Love

It's tough to be alone on Valentine's Day.  Fortunately, I have my giant Netflix Queue and DVD Collection to keep me company.  I hear that my Queue may pop the question tonight- it's been five and a half years, so it's time.  So what is the movie chosen for this day of greeting cards, needless jewelry and fancy dinners?  It's a story about love- Crazy Love.  Based loosely on the works on Charles Bukowski, this film is all about love and how it can go horribly-awry.  It comes to us from Belgium, which I guess is another Country off of my Bucket List.  The film is a three-Chapter look at the life of Harry Voss, showing three key days in his life.  The tricky thing is that this film- in traditional European fashion- was actually constructed backwards.  The filmmakers made a thirty-minute film called Foggy Night, based on a tale by Bukowski called The Copulating Mermaid of Venice, California.  When they wanted to make a full film, they released that they had to stretch things out, so they added the first two Chapters to fill it out.  Those Chapters aren't implicitly based on Bukowski stories, but take inspiration from his other works.  With all that complication out of the way, let's dive right into this Mondo Macabro release...

As a young boy, Harry Vos Age 12 (inside joke) sees a romantic movie and assumes that life must be like that.

 Thankfully (I think), his pervy best friend- who appears to be the Belgian Sam Rockwell- is here to show Harry the ropes.  After a few failed attempts to let him see people have sex, he decides...

 ...that Harry Voss Age 12 should just rape this lady from the Fair in her drunken stupor.  No, really.  This too is taken from him (darn?) and he's taught a different lesson from his friend: how to do stuff on your own.

Cut to Harry Voss Age 17 (not as funny, so I'll drop it) and he has some serious Acne.  Will he be able to find love?

 After being rejected by the girl of his lust, he is given a chance for sloppy seconds by his friend.  Um, yea?

 Unfortunately (I think), she backs out and, dejected, he wraps his face in toilet paper to get one dance with the other girl.  His drunk ass is still unhappy and this segment ends with him being arrested.

Cut to Harry Voss at age 33 and he's...well, just look at him.  Time has not been on his side, as they say.

 Getting drunk with his friend, the pair decide to...steal a corpse.  Gee, I can't imagine why this film was controversial during its U.S. release.

 After fantasizing about the corpse, depressed Harry will never find love and walks into the Ocean with the corpse, committing suicide (or becoming Aquaman).  The End.

Love is blind, deaf and kind of creepy.  This film is really not bad, but it's definitely an acquired taste.  The whole film is bleak and unpleasant.  The people are not friendly and you really wouldn't want to know them.  The story is just about how dark and depressing life can be.  The first segment is about how life isn't as romantic as we think as children.  The second segment is about how people can be so vain as to ruin other people's lives.  The third segment is about, well, a man who seeks one last shot at love via a corpse.  So yeah, fun stuff.  That said, the movie is well-made and I can't really complain about the actual production.  The big thing is just that this movie is amazingly-bleak and very European.  That said, compared to stuff like Star of David: Hunting for Beautiful Girls, it's freaking Romeo & Juliet.  I really peaked with that one.  Take us away, Belgian Madonna...

Next up, an infamous comedy written by two great Comedians and featuring numerous legends.  You won't believe just how they messed this up.  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation: The Howling

It's tough being a country that's not quite France, but not quite anywhere else in Europe.  Evidently, they take their frustrations on movie posters like this one for Joe Dante's hit film...

Oh my God- giant werewolf in the sky!  Run, naked lady, run!

Yeah, I don't get it.

Next up, we learn that Bruce Lee can be more disrespected than with just Bruceploitation.  Dragon Kick!  Stay tuned...