Jim-kata: Camel Spiders

Do you even know what a Camel Spider is?  I'm not asking the Director- Jim Wynorski-, I'm asking you.  Seriously, ever heard of this thing?  I hadn't.  Thanks to Wikipedia, I found out and boy does this movie not do them justice.  Camel Spiders are more akin to a Scorpion, but were misidentified centuries ago and people just stuck with it.  They're the animal equivalent of the Dutch Angle.  This film has all of the elements of a bad/silly Syfy Channel film.  It has Brian Krause- sorry, Brian-, CG animals and C. Thomas Howell.  If Wynorski were not involved, I'd swear that this was an Asylum film!  Fun fact: this is another film in which Wynorski is credited as 'Jay Andrews.'  Yes, continue to make porn under your real name and THIS under a fake one.  I assume that 'Andrews' is the fake name, since why would you MAKE UP a name like Wynorski for yourself?  This movie is full of amazing gaps in logic that I just have to cover.  I'll make it as SPOILER free as possible though.  To find out what Camel Spiders aren't, read on...

The film begins in Afghanistan with some soldiers fighting terrorists until the titular spiders kill the bad guys.  Krause and a woman take the body of a soldier home, not realizing that the coffin is housing two Spiders.  Bear this number in mind.

Howell is in this movie playing a Sheriff.  His role early on is to do a bad, fake accent and pose in front of Green Screens.  Yea.

Less than two days after the body is warm, nearly a dozen Camel Spiders come out.  They are also shown in the Desert BEFORE this happens, making more questions be raised.  Speaking of which...

Camel Spiders don't spin webs!  A simple search of Wikipedia would tell you that.  Second...

 In Plot B, a group of College Students and their Professor run across this giant Camel Spider.  While the Professor gets 'all up in its grill' (and dies), the students say that it only has six legs.

In most shots, this one has 8.

My favorite gaffe involves a line about the film taking place in Arizona.  That's silly because a shot of Howell's Police Car has a California license plate.

Either this character is an idiot or they're plot takes place in another state, which would make no sense.  Count the Spiders, people!

Basically, the film is actually two films.  One is about the College Students running and hiding.  The other is about the people in a town- including Krause and Howell- running from the Spiders and hiding.  Most of the cast- which has over a dozen people- are just annoying schmucks.

This guy, for example, is afraid that a photo of him with a gun will show up on Facebook.  No, really.  It prompts this reply...

Unfortunately, the College Student plot ends with a bit of a whimper and a vague resolution.  It's pretty sudden and downer.

The other plot ends with, well, this.  You do the math.  The End.

Your film makes biologists cry.  To be honest with you, I had some fun with this movie.  It's a non-porn Wynorski film, so it has a certain charm.  However, the plot is riddled with hole and scientific gaffes.  Here's my favorite: the Spiders take over a chunk of California (see below)/Arizona really quickly.  Did the two in the crate mate constantly- and both be different genders- to create a tiny army so quickly.  Furthermore, there's a variety of sizes here, ranging from tiny to 4-6 feet.  That would imply that the things age quickly and that somewhere, there is a batch of them continually screwing at regular intervals!  There's also the crap about them having webs (never) or being poisonous (only ones from India are).  Here's the best part: there's no sci-fi angle to them.  They weren't bred by scientists, nor did they nest near toxic waste.  The film, for all purposes, tells you that real Camel Spiders can do all of this!  If that's the case, why haven't we been attacked?  Seriously Jim, your movie is just plain silly.  If it had focused on just the main story (and trimmed down the cast), this would have been a blast.  As it is, it's uneven and hilarious at points.  Take us away, plot hole causing license plate...

Next up, a wrap-up with a film meant for May.  Will aliens be found and will they not make a good movie?  Stay tuned...

Strange Killers: Glass Trap

When one film about ants won't work, there's always another.  I was planning to review Ants, giving Strange Killers Week a bit of '70s mojo.  That wasn't to be, but fortunately, I had a back-up.  Naturally, my back-up was a Direct-to-Video film starring C. Thomas Howell.  I just love my life.  Glass Trap is actually a film that I considered renting at one point for a review.  However, I used a rarely-accessed feature on Netflix to discourage- the trailer to the film.  It looked like shit.  Many months later, I needed a movie to do and this one...exists.  The film's premise is simple: people trapped in a building with giant ants.  Get it?  Got it?  Good. To find out just how silly this silly-sounding movie is, read on...

Basically, this movie is all about putting a bunch of people in a building.  Two of them are characters right out of The Devil Wears Prada.  While this film predates the movie version (by 2 years), it does come a year after the book.  It's not subtle!

Howell, meanwhile, plays a Janitor with a back-story.  It's not important, but it is apparently important that he has one.  Moving on...

This man is a Fashion Photographer and these are his models.  They appear, act funny and then disappear for nearly an hour.  Good writing, huh?

The ants are a sight to behold.  They alternate between cheap puppets...

...and lame CG effects.  On the plus side, it is a nice skyline...to put lame CG effects in front of.

About an hour in, the FBI and company call in a big name to take out the monsters.  What C-List actor is up to the task?  I'll give you a hint- sweep the leg!

Yes, Martin Kove has not yet grown that silly mustache and put on that vest.  He does, however, nearly cop a feel on this teen actress during a scene though.  Good times...

In The End, the ants are killed off by a mild explosion of gas in the building.  Well, that and this CG effect.  Kove's character gets off scott-free for leaving people to die.  Good lesson, movie.  The End.

Ants deserve better than this.  What good things can I say about this movie?  It wasn't a complete waste of time, I suppose.  It wasn't directed by David DeCoteau- granted.  It didn't give me cancer.  That's something.  In all seriousness, this movie is a fairly average and sub-par.  The acting is not completely-terrible, unless you count the guy trying way too hard to talk like a cliche Fashion Photographer.  Seriously- he was bad.  Granted, his character was not going to turn out to be 'Othello' or anything, but he was extra-cheesy.  Aside from that, Howell was his usual, dull self.  On the plus side, he didn't appear to be on a hunger strike or dying of Colon Cancer like he has in the last few years.  Seriously, is he alright?  It's easy to see how sick Stephen J. Cannell was in Ice Spiders.  Getting past that, the movie is so unfocused and just tries to fill time with about thirty different characters.  On top of the leads, you get Kove, a Sheriff, Kove's assistant, the guy who owns the Plant Nursery, the Security Guard, one guy's daughter and the lead government agent.  How many Producers' cousins were involved in this movie?!?  If you like this kind of schlock, this movie is cheesy gold.  If not, continue not knowing that this movie exists.  Take us away, Very Dutch Angle...

Next up, I begin my selection of Project Terrible films for this round.  First up, a movie that's totally not a famous Japanese movie- no sir!  Stay tuned...

Asylum Trash: The Da Vinci Treasure

I wish that I was kidding here!  With my final Asylum film for a while, I chose a movie that managed to threaten the company with lawsuits from two different film companies.  Seriously, how did they not get sued?  Your movie is clearly trying to rip off The Da Vinci Code and National Treasure at once.  Is it just because you're too minor for Disney and Columbia Pictures to even care?  I really want to know!  So what is the plot?  C. Thomas Howell- god dammit!- is a guy who tries to uncover a stash of treasure related to Leonardo Da Vinci.  I wish that I could say that there was more here, but there isn't.  Let's just get this over with so I can rest until the next batch of Asylum films hit the site.  You know that it will happen.  Let's put on our multi-colored Da Vinci goggles in order to help us find...

The film begins with Howell and a comrade breaking into a house in London.  Their goal: steal a bunch of invention plans related to Leonardo Da Vinci.  Just to note- The Da Vinci Code begins in the Louvre (been there!).  Your movie begins in a guy's house.  That really says it all, right?  They pass by some Da Vinci Optics, but ignore them for now.  Of course, the movie gives the things their own graphic, so they're obviously going to be important later.  With no set up for this and no idea who his character is, Howell's buddy turns on him and tries to take the papers.  He dies...but nobody cares.  Howell runs into his ex-wife, who is now working for Howell's nemesis.  He runs from her, but gets cornered by the man...who's played by Lance Henriksen.  I'd feel worse if this if you didn't also do another Asylum film in the same year (Pirates of Treasure Island) and two Sasquatch films (Abominable and Sasquatch Mountain) as well.  He has a thug- who was the lead terrorist in The 9/11 Commission Report- beat up Howell (not enough though) and take the papers. It's here that Howell meets up with another lady- the woman who will be his assistant for the rest of the film.  They continue Howell's work of getting the treasure- for the world, of course- and this leads to one, natural item: the Shroud of Turin!

Yes, the infamous cloth has a clue to Da Vinci's stash of gold.  If you think that this part is silly, just keep watching.  Howell and the woman get the Shroud from a small building in the middle of nowhere.  The film's logic: people wouldn't look for it there.  Yeah, that covers your budget-cutting moves!  This leads to a chase, which is mostly a pretense to pad the movie out and throw in some random ADR.  The best part, however, is watching the nonchalant extras as the pair run down the street being shot at!  You guys in Los Angeles really are jaded!  The bad guys get the Shroud, but not the pictures taken of it by Howell.  Their next move- go to England- again- and take the Da Vinci Optics.  Wow- you're re-using a location in the same movie.  That's sad, even for you!  The man whose house they're going to actually agrees to help them out this time.  As soon as the call ends, he calls Lance and warns them of Howell's arrival.  In the ultimate insult to the audience, they flash Henriksen's face when they say his name.  Yes, we know who he is!  This plot thread proves really unimportant, however, as Howell arrives to find Lance and company killing the guy.  Thanks for helping...yourself to a bloody death.  Another chase ensues....but how cares?

A long, extended scene following the chase has Howell and the woman deciphering hidden clues in the Shroud...or the picture of it.  They decipher the clues as telling them to go to Afghanistan.  Yes, Da Vinci's gold stash is hidden there.  In mid-flight, they realize that the clues actually lead to 'The Last Supper'- standing in for the 'Mona Lisa' here- and re-route their flight.  They have to steal a brick from the wall above the painting, which proves pretty easy because the building has only one, easily-distracted guard.  How was that famous painting not stolen years ago?!?!?  They ride a train for a bit and uncover the next clue, which leads to...Afghanistan.  Your plot is running in a cycle!  They go to the land of the Taliban and immediately run into some local sexism.  Too subtle!  The pair go off into the desert whereupon they are attacked by a man in a helicopter.  Is it the lead henchman from before?  I guess so, since the guy doesn't show up later.  After another long chase, they blow up the helicopter and move on.  They find a key hidden in the brick and go through the CG door to the cave.  The pair find a giant stash of CG treasure...and Lance, accompanied by the ex-wife.  Howell gets shot, but manages to set off a fire that ignites the cave and makes it explode.  In the aftermath, we see that the whole place was destroyed- as opposed to just caving in- but Howell and the lady survived.  How?  They were wrapped in the Shroud of Turin, which Lance was nice enough to return earlier.  How did that...oh, screw it, The End!

There's no gold in these hills!  The plot of this movie is so basic and insulting that...I'm not surprised.  When you try to turn two different movies into one, you're bound to get some confusing plotting!  Aside from that, however, the actual events seem to be random and unexplained at times.  What exactly is the source of Da Vinci's gold stash?  Why is it in a cave in Afghanistan?  How did the people make a cave door that opens via some sort of mechanism?  Why did that helicopter explode?  Since when was the Shroud of Turin explosion-proof?  The acting is not worth mentioning for the most part.  Why?  The film stars C. Thomas Howell, that's why!  He's just never been good and that doesn't change here.  Lance is alright in his small role, but even he seems bored by it.  On the plus side, he wasn't obviously just reading his lines off of cue cards like in The Mangler 2!  I loved Millennium growing up, so I can never really stay mad at Lance.  It's more sad, really, as I continue to see him in crap like Alone in the Dark II, The Seamstress and Mimic 3.  At this point, he can't do better and I guess I just have to accept it.  There aren't a lot of funny moments here and it's hard to recommend.  Unless you really want to see The Asylum dare two different film companies to sue them, you can skip this one.

Next up, we begin a week of films with nothing in common.  First to come is a forgotten Corman film about space, nightmares and worm rape.  Stay tuned...
  

Instant Asylum Trash: The Day The Earth Stopped

It's weird to consider that The Asylum has apparently only gotten threatened with a lawsuit on a few occasions.  Considering the titles of such films as Street Racer or Alien vs. Hunter, it's astounding.  In 2008, they decided to get some bang for their buck by copying a movie made fifty years ago.  Oh right, it had a CG-filled remake too.  As far as that film, it's good, but not great.  A lot of the CG is kind of just there to be showy and the updates don't add a whole lot.  On the plus side, John Cleese plays a rare, dramatic role.  I suppose I should talk about this movie.  Well, it stars C. Thomas Howell and was also directed by him.  That's all I really need to say, right?  Get out your burrowing lasers for my review of...

The film begins with some soldiers hanging out and kind of just being dicks.  I guess we're supposed to get to know the characters, huh?  The 'excitement' is broken up by some mysterious energy signatures crashing into the Earth.  The guys get into their military-issued SUVs- why not- and go investigating.  The source is a pair of naked people that crashed out there and are wandering around.  Let's go right into ripping off a film- Lifeforce.  Thanks for making one of them a dude, movie.  After a chase, the pair end up in the clutches of the military.  Right after that, the thought of waterboarding these guys is interrupted by the arrival of giant robots in the middle of all the major cities on Earth.  Wow, cool!  What do they do?  If you guessed, 'stand there and do nothing,' you would be right.  By the way, I would just love to see the meeting the company had with their FX guy.

***

"I can make your giant robots, but I'll need another $10 million to make them do stuff," the guy said.
"$10 million, huh?  You can't do it for any less?"
"Nope.  $10 million," he says sharply.
"Oh, I see," The Asylum owner says, "So standing around works for us."

The government doesn't take too kindly to the invaders and begins to question the alien humanoids.  Of course, they make them put some damn clothes on first.  The female one does most of the talking, since she's apparently the lead.  She explains that the Earth will be destroyed in one day by the robots.  They're going to fire a series of lasers into the Earth's core and stop our rotation, hence the title.  The lady takes a shine to the guard (Howell) and begins to read his mind.  Points off for a line saying that the woman 'looks like Angelina Jolie' though.  I would have gone with 'Carmen Electra's even-sluttier cousin' myself.  She bonds with Howell, who agrees to let her go in order to let her achieve her goal and save the Earth.  That goal: see proof that the Earth deserves to be saved.  As a bonus, an angel gets his wings every time she does that too.  Seriously, this is a real plot point in this film!  Howell escapes with her and they drive around the same Los Angeles locations that you would later see in Transmorphers 2.  Lazy much?  Oh yeah, they get carjacked and go to a Church.  Let's just pretend that any of this is interesting and/or relevant.

After a lot of filler, we get some actual action.  Okay- I lied.  Some guys fire a gun at one of the robots and it zaps them.  They do drop a nuclear bomb on one, but it doesn't work.  Any other bright ideas, Einstein?!?  Our heroes wander around for a bit and stumble across a man and his wife, who is about to go into labor.  Hey look- it's Judd Nelson!  Way to finally appear in the movie at the hour mark, especially given that you have second Above-the-Title Billing!  They go into a garage and deliver the child, but the woman dies.  Our heroine uses her magic/alien powers to bring her back to life though, thanks to...um, some lights being put on High in the background.  She agrees to save the Earth, but just needs to get back to her ship/giant robot book end.  She gets shot, however, and taken back to the base.  After a soulful scene shot in silhouette, the gruff commander gets on board and helps them escape...again.  This leads to a climactic scene where the pair drive in their SUV & argue with the other man on his phone...while he's about six feet behind them in his car.  He shoots Howell when he tries to leave, which the other man does nothing to stop.  Thanks for the help!  The giant robot nonchalantly shoots him and the day is saved.  I guess Howell lives too or something.  The End.

This movie sucks balls!  The plot is stupid and mostly rips off the actual film.  You guys usually put in one or two elements from the film and then just make the rest of the shit up.  What inspired the change?  The special effects that you actually get are decent, but that's about it.  No giant robot action, no military assaults and nothing to speak of in general.  So much of this film is dreary and, more importantly, insistent.  Like the worst Ed Wood films, it really thinks that it has a lot to say.  News Flash: you don't!  Having the government talk about collateral damage is okay, but really forced.  That brings up the biggest point: the characters are all cardboard cut-outs!  They have no real personality to them other than what was assigned to them in the script.  It's called acting- look it up!  I wish that there was more to say about this movie, but there isn't.  Did you not notice me doing a 'bit' in the first paragraph?  Fun fact: the following screenshot was not made by me, but totally fits in with what I would have done.  Thanks, internet.

Next up, we begin a look at some Old-School Forgotten Sequels.  First up, the sequel to an animated abomination that sullies the name of a famous book series- now with constant singing.  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: The Land That Time Forgot

If there is one thing that The Asylum seems to love, it's the Tyrannosaurus Rex.  This dinosaur predator is probably the most famous one ever discovered & is a common thing in cinema.  The dinosaur has appearances a 'heavy' going back to the original King Kong!  A whole slew of Asylum films use the thing, including this film, 100 Million B.C. and Sherlock Holmes.  The key thing to understand about this film is that it was made to copy off of the then-recent film Land of the Lost.  While I think it's great, the film was not even close to a hit.  Good call, guys!  The star power we get is C. Thomas Howell (who also directs) and Timothy Bottoms.  Bottoms is a comic who got famous about ten years ago for his George W. Bush impression.  After the series That's My Bush (a silly, but good show) got cancelled in the wake of 9/11, he found another avenue for that impression: D/C 9/11.  This is a serious drama about the President, so, of course, they hire the guy who played him on a sitcom parody!  I mention all of this because the movie is so dull.  Get out your self-reloading flare gun for my review of...

The film begins with our heroes riding out on a boat.  The group is a bit odd, consisting of three fairly-young people and C. Thomas Howell.  Who invited the creepy uncle?  In addition, there is a drunken boat captain (Bottoms) and his young helper.  While the group- save for the boat owners- are asleep, a portal appears in the middle of the ocean.  After this weird event, they...cut to the next day.  Yeah, they can't afford to show the ship go through the portal, so the film just kind of skips that part.  The group approach an island and can't agree who should go and who should stay.  Eventually, Howell's wife agrees to stay alone, saying that she'll fire the flare gun if trouble arises.  In a bit of foreshadowing, the movie shows the shadow of a giant squid swim under the boat and move on.  The woman does the one cliche that I always hate to see: the 'I saw something move out of view, so I'll proceed to tell everyone to look' bit.  That's so dumb!  The group go out and explore, before the young guy goes onto a ledge.  He sees some pterodactyls fly by, causing him to fall off and die.  They don't touch him- they just seem to destroy his equilibrium, leading to the fall.  Oh yeah, they eat him, sending our heroes fleeing.  Remember the part in the beginning about the T-Rex?  Yeah, he's here now too.

Our heroes run back when they see the flare be fired...from behind a mountain, but find the boat empty.  They wander around back on land for a bit, which helps pad out the runtime a bit.  Eventually, they flee from another dinosaur attack, only for Howell to get knocked out.  When he awakens, the group is chatting with a man in anachronistic clothing.  As they figure out, the island is apparently the center of a time-warp, thus solidifying the only real link to Land of the Lost.  Sure, it has a T-Rex and a jungle, but so does Jurassic Park!  He takes them through the swamps- it's a very rich island, apparently- and across a river, where the younger lead gets attacked by some sort of sea snake.  They fend it off with ease and meet up with a man who is the sole survivor of a boat crash from the 1950s.  Oddly, he's been there longer than their guide, who is from the 1940s.  Time-travel sure is confusing, huh?  They show them to a cave full of Nazis (why exactly?!?) who just so happen to be holding a hostage: Howell's wife.  The younger island native sets up an elaborate plan to free her.  First step: taunt a T-Rex into attacking the Nazis!  Thank you, horrible-looking and out-of-scale CG model.  During the attack, there is also a shoot-out with our heroes.  This goes on so long that they forget about the T-Rex, who apparently just leaves.  In the midst of that, the two stranded men knock out Bottoms and escape in the raft before...nothing bad happens to them.  No squid in sight.

Once the two groups realize that they are stuck, they just sort of agree to get along.  It takes a bit of work, but much less than you would think when this involves Nazis.  Conveniently, one of the Nazis speaks English and explains that their U-Boat needs repairs in order to escape.  In a footprint of the T-Rex's, they discover oil residue and devise a plan.  They have to lure the T-Rex from his home and kill him in order to refine the crude for their ship.  Conveniently enough, the drunk captain is also an expert at the refining process and the Nazis have the equipment to do so.  Their plan to kill the T-Rex involves luring it to the shore- by throwing small explosives at it- and firing a torpedo from the U-Boat.  Torpedoes don't work that way!  This fails, so the younger lead rips off the ending from Jaws 3 to blow the beast up.  As a bonus, they recycle the 'T-Rex emerges from the foliage shot' from before.  After a montage, the group is almost ready to go.  Unfortunately, a second T-Rex shows up and kills one Nazi (see Poor Bastards of Cinema) before nearly-killing another.  Howell spots it and fires a flare (without them showing it ever being reloaded or retrieved from the boat) at a sealed oil drum, causing a giant explosion!  This movie would give the Mythbusters a coronary!  He ends up being stuck behind, but manages to kill the T-Rex.  The group apparently can't just stop the U-Boat in water, so they leave him and his wife behind.  Do they make it?  We aren't shown.  It's more important to show Howell and his wife raising a family on the island, apparently!  The End.

This movie sucks!  The plot is stupid and not exactly fleshed out.  Why do people get stuck on the island?  The movie never bothers to really explain any of this stuff, merely saying that it happens.  Oh good, I hate logic in my films!  Furthermore, the plot's third act hinges upon you just accepting that Nazis are nice guys.  The film really fails on more merits than just this though.  It's not as (unintentionally) funny as some of the other films from The Asylum, nor does it have any of the rare technical merit that they sometimes show.  In fact, this movie has worse special effects than War of the Worlds 2, despite being made over a year later!  Howell's direction is about the same as ever.  The only 'flourish' he adds here are pointless Dutch Angles.  The use of this technique really helps to show people walking down a path when nothing happens!  There are some good laughs to be had here, but they're mostly at the expense of the special effects.  One big problem: the moral and tone.  The film teaches you that cheating prospers (since the two people that steal the raft seem to live) and that doing good things ends badly for you (see the man who blows up the T-Rex or Howell saving the Nazi).  The dark, sad tone thrown in at the end is especially out of place.  That was the one thing that Land of the Lost needed to be a hit: a bipolar tone shift!

Up next, The Asylum goes into the jungle without C. Thomas Howell.  Instead, they bring the cast of Dracula's Curse out to fight King Kong.  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: War of the Worlds 2

Of course they made a sequel.  Why should we be surprised?  After all, these are the same people that ripped off The Omen- in 666: The Child- and felt like a sequel was needed- 666: The Beast.  Hell, they apparently made a pair of films about generic killers called...well, The Killers.  Of course, here's the thing: there's really only been one other sequel to the original War of the Worlds.  That was the barely-remembered TV series from the 1980s that lasted one season before being radically-rebooted Seaquest-style and cancelled anyways.  So we're in fairly-uncharted territory here.  This is the first Asylum film I'm covering here that was directed by its star: C. Thomas Howell.  Oh, I wish that I was kidding.  If you like radically-revisionism and lazy exposition combined with some good effects, but terrible pacing, I have the film for you!  Get out your food voucher for gas program for my review of...

The film begins with a lovely studio back lot suddenly under attack by some actually-decent CG walkers.  These guys aren't made out of terrazzo it seems, as they have a red, fleshy texture to them.  I don't know how you make a ship out of veins, but whatever.  One of the people is shot with a beam, but only vanishes, as opposed to turning into bones.  Plot twist or a mistake in the special effects department- you decide!  After the credits, we see random scenes from the end of the last film before we segue to Howell and his kid in a bunker.  Where's the wife, you're asking?  We'll get to that in a bit.  Two years have gone by, but things are still kind of shit.  Mind you, all of the aliens are dead, but I guess enough infrastructure was ruined.  The pair's bunker is powered by the kid riding a stationary bike, since our NASA scientist can only use technology from the 19th Century!  He gets some sort of signal on his radio and goes to warn some people he knows.  It's important, he notes, that the kid not go outside.  He meets up with some old friends...who weren't in the original & explains that his wife was killed...somehow.  Was there a War of the Worlds 1.5 that I missed?  We had no attacks for two years, so what did she die of?  He warns them of an imminent attack, which is when they introduce him to some co-opted alien hardware.  Well, time to go home with no problems...

Turns out that I was wrong.  Our hero runs out of gas and wanders for a bit until he gets cheated out of food rations for a small amount of gas.  Why was this necessary again?  Did you pay off two guys for fixing your car by putting them in your movie, C. Thomas?  He gets home just in time to see his kid get zapped, followed by the thing just sort of leaving.  Well, it must have thought, that was my quota- see you!  He's a bit depressed, but he manages to work for a bit with the others, including a lady scientist, a nerdy guy and a General who they imply was in the last film.  Yeah, he wasn't.  The General talks about a big plan they have to take out the aliens with some jets controlled by the co-opted spaceship.  Don't ask me to explain the science of this, please.  Howell runs off, proving to be a bit unstable.  He does a big monologue to God about he is 'not your Job.'  Wow, this would be very touching if you could actually, you know, act.  He ends up getting shot by the same ray from one of the walkers as we segue to the military brass preparing for an assault.  To the film's credit, some of the CG work is actually kind of decent.  Of course, it's also confusing as hell and centered around characters that I have almost no attachment to.  As a bonus, watch for how much of these shots will end up in The Terminators.  I bet you it's a lot.

The final third of the film is broken up into two parts: Howell wandering around and the humans fighting back. In the first arc, Howell escapes from an alien ship and makes a new friend- one half of '90s rap group Kid 'N Play.  Yeah, I don't care.  They escape from the ship and run into the guy from the beginning, only to learn that this is all virtual reality.  Meanwhile, the ships in battle get pulled through a wormhole and in front of Mars.  They fight some more while Howell and company work on a plan.  In order to up the ante from the 'mysterious, unexplained virus' from the last film, they put a super virus into one of the ships to infect it.  Naturally, the only way to do this is to inject it into Howell and get him sucked into the ship.  You ever heard of syringes, guys?  He escapes from the ship via a plane that just so happens to crash nearby that was flown by the General.  I love you, plot contrivance!  Naturally, this jet can fit four or five people.  The dramatic escape is successful, but will Howell survive?  We cut to a party at the cabin owned by Howell, but the mood is low.  After drawing out the tension, Howell shows up alive and well.  It sure was nice of you to build the whole dramatic arc around whether you would survive, C. Thomas!  The party lasts a few minutes until a familiar radio signal can be heard again.  The End?

This movie sucks and it's boring!  After all of these Asylum films, I don't expect certain things.  I don't expect real good acting.  I don't expect really great effects.  I don't expect high production values or a strong look.  However, I do expect you to make a simple film that flows from Point A to Point B.  You failed to do that!  The idea of a second wave of attacks by the aliens is fine, but making it a mopy tale about Howell helping to save the world by way of his planned suicide attempt is not the way to do it.  I know that you've been in many, many films, Mr. Howell, but it's important to know your range.  You are not a good actor.  You can do alright with a good script- the key problem for his Asylum work- but you're not a good actor.  Making a film that hinges upon your acting sad and/or angry to work is a bad idea!  The worst part is this: they could have made a decent film.  It was never going to be great, but they had decent effects and could have ended up with an above-average Syfy Channel Film.  Since you're The Asylum, you had to find a way to screw that up.  Good job.  If you ever make War of the Worlds 3 (I'm practically counting the days), you can just count me out.  You'll find a way to make it worse- I just know it.

Up next, The Asylum rips off a Will Ferrell film that didn't exactly light up theaters.  Oh yeah, it's another C. Thomas Howell film.  Stay tuned...
  

Lock Me Up!: H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds

Yet again, The Asylum strikes!  This film comes to us from 2005, the same year that Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise put out their remake of the classic H.G. Wells novel-turned-film from the '50s.  Naturally, the company wanted a piece of that sweet, sweet movie money and made their own film.  Fun fact: this is actually the film that initially made me aware of The Asylum.  I saw this in a video store and said 'Wow- that DVD is out fast.  Hey, wait a minute...'  I bet that helps explain my disdain for this company, huh?  Anyhow, their version of the film stars C. Thomas Howell, Jake Busey (barely) and a host of shitty CG.  Ah shitty CG, how you're so readily available in every Asylum film.  Will this film live up to it's Hollywood counterpart?  Ha ha ha.  Oh wait, I was being serious.  Yeah, it doesn't.  Let's take a look anyways though.  Get out your deus ex nothing for my review of...

The film begins with a long credit sequence that appears to be out of a bad, 'Wing Commander' sequel.  Within two minutes of the film (counting these credits), we get tits.  Wow, you guys work almost as fast as Zombie Lake!  Said tits come from the wife of C. Thomas Howell's character, a woman so important that she won't be seen after the next ten minutes.  Howell is a scientist for NASA who is supposed to go on a trip with the family to Washington D.C., but work calls him in.  He promises to see the family the next morning in the city.  Say good-bye to the family, viewers!  His actual trip to work is so unimportant we see none of it and, instead, skip to his trip that night to D.C.  Along the way, his car stops working, so he wanders around as a meteor crashes into the Earth.  The people wander over to see it, while another man apparently found a way to fall into the newly-formed crater.  Good job, Mr. Bean!  The movie wastes a couple minutes watching him yell as a glowing light attacks him to reveal...a barely-visible CG land-crawler.  Kudos to disguising your shitty effects with a lack of lighting.  Next you're going to just play the sound effects instead of actually showing them.  Oh wait, they don't do that until later.

Our hero manages to run away as the ship blasts people into skeletons.  Odd how the skeletons jump away from the camera after the body is destroyed.  He goes back home to get some supplies, meeting up with a neighbor.  Hey, good to see you.  I'm sorry to see that you'll die off-screen, pal.  What was the point of this scene, other than to establish some minor pathos later?  He goes into the city and meets up with a guy from the military.  He's the slightly tougher-looking version of Suddenly Susan star David Strickland (obscure reference for the win!) and proves to be chatty.  Since our hero has all of the personality of an undercooked ham, I welcome him.  We also meet Jake Busey in the first of his two scenes.  His role: being a complete asshole.  Good to know that you can get roles where you don't even have to act.  Our heroes flee from another attack which happens in slightly-more light than before.  The pair get split up and Howell escapes in a motor-less boat that just sort of moves itself.  He's saved by a priest (played by the Van Helsing guy from Dracula's Curse) who seems hopeful and optimistic.  The pair wander around for a bit, passing by a crashed ship.  This is a reference to the ship attack from Spielberg's film...which they were too cheap to shoot.  Lame!

The aliens prove formidable, taking out more military men with their ships and a new weapon: fart gas.  Okay, it's just green, but you get my point.  The priest has a breakdown before he dies in a silly moment (see the newest Deep Blue Sea Moment of Cinema), leaving our hero to wander around on his own.  Who does he run into?  His old army buddy, who apparently survived the entire city being destroyed in a ball of fire.  He tries to get Howell to join up with him and Busey.  Jake is not exactly keen to the idea, opting instead to just shoot the guy in the head.  Howell retaliates by hitting the man with a rock once, which apparently kills him.  His men, of course, just walk off and barely react.  Alone again, Howell wanders into a destroyed Washington D.C.  That sight would be more impressive had I not logged 50+ hours in 'Fallout 3.'  He begs for death by taunting an alien walker, only to learn that it's dead.  In fact, all of them are dying.  Why?  The movie never says.  I guess they figured that if they said 'germs killed them,' they would be sued.  Their answer: 'I don't know- maybe it was the germs or the atmosphere or something.'  Lame.  Oh yeah, Howell's family is alive and all is well.  The End.

This movie sucks!  The plot is pretty minimalist: Howell has to get past the aliens to find his family.  You couldn't give me any more than that, huh?  This probably goes without saying but the special effects here are bad.  The ships appear to be made out of terrazzo, which is kind of odd.  It's not exactly sinister or ominous, guys!  Oh yeah, the acting is pretty bad here too.  Given that the film's two biggest 'stars' are Howell and Gary Busey's kid, is this really a shocker?  Ultimately, this film just fails for some pretty basic reasons.  The film just can't match the scale, power or atmosphere of Spielberg's film or the Cold War mystique of the original film.  Hell, it certainly does nothing to match the (alleged or otherwise) hysteria of the original radio broadcast.  So what does it have to really offer?  Ooh, I can answer that- nothing!  Random boobs.

Next up, The Asylum brings us the sequel to this film...a good three years later.  As a bonus, this film is also directed by C. Thomas Howell- the horror.  Stay tuned...