Mondo Bizarro Special: 6 Films that *Almost* Were

Did you ever have regrets about things that you didn't do?  Of course you do.  Well, Hollywood has them to, so let's take a look at them...

1. Commando 2- Was anyone demanding this?  I mean, besides some money-hungry Studio Executive.  Regardless, it got to the Script stage.  They found a 1979 Novel called 'Nothing Lasts Forever' and worked on tweaking it to fit.

Said book is a Sequel to 'The Detective,' which was also a movie starring Frank Sinatra.  Can you imagine- Frank Sinatra and Arnold Schwarzenegger playing the same character?!?

The film never got past the script stage, but it was re-worked and turned into something more iconic...
(This is still debated, but...I mean, it adds up)

2. Grizzly II: The Predator- One of the most famous 'films that almost was.'  The sequel to William Girdler's monster film had a bunch of future stars in it, including George Clooney and Charlie Sheen.  

The film had the titular Bear attacking a concert full of teenagers.

Sadly, the film's funding dropped out and we're only left with a work print version.  You get all of the stars, but almost none of the monster effects.  

Note to self: shoot Monster first.  You can always recast if shit goes down.

3. Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor (plus the other ones)- Another case of 'let's just shoot shit and hope it works out.'  

A brand-new film in the series got partially shot before, you guessed it, the money dropped out.

That didn't stop one from releasing the completed footage and toss in a pile of Stock Footage from the previous films to make it reach 90 minutes.  

Any of the 50 of you that bought the Special Edition Series Set that Best Buy used to carry got the footage.  As for the rest of us, we get this piece of shit.

Speaking of Sleepaway Camp, the Director of the original film (Robert Hiltzik) and the Director of Parts II/III (Michael A. Simpson) have both teased making their own sequel.  

We may get SEPARATE Sleepaway Camp V/VI?  Dear Lord!

(UPDATE- Neither got made)

***

4. Jaws 3- People 0- I really wish that this one happened.  Pitched as a Satire of the quickly fading Jaws film by the folks behind National Lampoon, this one could have been interesting.

Naturally, Universal (which sued to block the U.S. Release of Great White) was having none of it and said, 'Let's just make a film set in Sea World.'  

Joy.

5. The Return of Billy Jack- Ah, the reason for this list in the first place.  Tom Laughlin had some major ups and downs in his career.  It went up when he got The Born Losers and Billy Jack.  It continued to rise with The Trial of Billy Jack, which was the first film released wide in its opening Weekend.  

Many people attribute that to Jaws, but no such deal.  

It went down quickly when Billy Jack Goes to Washington saw its release delayed and it proved to be a big money loser.  

About ten years later, he tried for one more go- The Return of Billy Jack.

Unfortunately for him, Laughlin was hurt during the filming of the film in 1986.  Things fell apart after that and his final film appearance would prove to be in the 1981 Lone Ranger film.  

He promised/threatened to make the film again in the last 25+ years, but nothing came of it.  Time didn't wait for his deadlines and ultimately he didn't have another Action Film in him.  

UPDATE: Mr. Laughlin passed away in December of 2013, so it will definitely not happen now!

6. Maniac II: Mr. Robbie- Yeah, I'm stealing one from you, Maynard.  After the shocking film Maniac, a sequel was in the works.  

The folks behind the classic tried to adapt a film called The Psychopath with their guy in the lead.  Sounds great.

You guessed it- the money fell through.  

Things went from bad to, well, the worst they could get when Joe Spinell died.  

A rough cut of their footage survives (and has been reviewed by some) and is apparently quite good.  It would take over twenty-years for us to get a real follow-up film...

So those are 6 films that were *nearly* films.  Did you favorite almost-films make the list?  Let me know either way.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Sleepaway Camp

As if you didn't know, Sleepaway Camp is the revenge tale of Angela.  Many of her victims are complete assholes who, to be fair, bring some reprisal on themselves.  These victims, however, feel a bit different...

After being tossed in the water and humiliated, Angela is led away by her cousin.  Some kids decide to throw sand at her.  This leads to...

...them being killed in their sleep with an axe!  That's a bit much, don't you think?!?

The moral here: be nice to everyone at all times, even if you don't know any better.  One of them may have no sense of scale and just straight up Lizzy Borden your ass!

Next up, a man learns that it's not safe to hike in Japan.  Oh yeah, there are bees.  Stay tuned...

Wrapping Things Up: Sleepaway Camp

Hide your bitchy campers and callous counselors!  1983's Sleepaway Camp has become a cult classic over the last quarter of a century.  In other words, nobody really got famous from this.  No Cast or Crew went on to be big movie stars, nor did the Director.  It's no Evil Dead II in terms of making stars, is what I'm trying to say.  In fact, it took the original Director 20 years to actually shoot his own sequel...and another five years to actually get it released...on DVD.  Let's stay focused on the film at hand though.  The film is most famous for its twist ending, one that I'm going to assume that you know about.  If not, do a Google Image search for 'Sleepaway Camp Twist Ending' & make sure to turn off the Filter.  Once you've done that and finished cleaning up your spit-take, we can continue.  Is this film more than just 85 minutes setting up a notable ending?  To find out, read on...

A tragic accident occurs on a lake as a father and child are killed.  It makes this young lady overact the hell out of this scene.  You're not Meryl, honey.

Several years later and we see shy Angela and her cousin being sent off to camp for the summer.  In hindsight, it helps the twist more if you don't establish that he's her cousin.

Plus, I'm skipping over the Aunt who is possibly the worst actress of all-time here.  Picture a drunk lady doing an impression of Judy Garland & you have her performance.

The first of many attacks/kills in the film involves the Cook getting oil dumped all over himself after attempting to molest Angela.  Oddly, this same scene kills the Cook in the sequel/remake from 2008.  Science has devolved, apparently.

The killer continues to take out people at the camp.  This guy tips his own boat over, just in time for a mysterious person to drown him.  Considering who the killer is, how weak is this guy?

Bees- my God.  Internet meme aside, I question who they could do this to a human body.  Killing you- maybe.  Turning you into the burn victim from Patrick Still Lives- doubtful.

In a truly-enlightened, '80s moment, Angela's make-out session with a nice boy is broken up when she flashes back to seeing her dad almost kiss a guy in bed.  Really?  You guys should be glad that GLAAD didn't exist until 1985!

As the bodies pile up, we are finally shown a flashback to Angela...as Peter, being forced to act like a girl.  Why is the house lit so poorly by the way?  Does Peter/Angela dream in lazy set design?  All of this is, of course, leading up to...

Yowza!  Shock value aside, there are some questions.  What was the point of being naked?  What is that scream about?  Why just stand there to be arrested?  According to the sequels, that's exactly what happened.  The End.

You can't sleep this film away!  The plot of this movie is interesting, although it hinges on a lot of things.  You have to accept that everyone at camp is an asshole of some kind.  There are maybe three nice people in the movie...and one of them is Angela.  Another thing to note that there is a lot of profanity in this movie, most of it for no good reason.  Did Robert Hiltzik think that every 12-year old talked like Dennis Leary?  I should also mention that the relationships in camp are a little odd, including the middle-aged Owner apparently having an affair with a 24-year old Counselor.  How much of a gold-digger are you?  Plus, how much 'gold' is there even to 'dig?'  Let's talk about the real draw- the kills.  The make-up effects are actually good, another nod for me towards practical effects.  I question why the guy in the stall doesn't just crawl under the door though.  I also question how Angela/Peter drowns that one guy when he/she can't weigh more than 80lbs!  I do give Hitlzik some credit for subtle touches to disguise the twist, including crediting Felissa Rose among four other random actors in the opening credits.  There are some pretty blatant hints throughout, especially since Ricky is not a good red herring.  As a whole, it touches on the same notes as Hiltzik's Return to Sleepaway Camp, but features a lead character who's not totally awful.  Take us away, really-obvious fake mustache...

Up next, I cover the first- and final- Return of the Living Dead.  Will nostalgia and humor keep it relevant after 26 years?  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Instant Trash: Return to Sleepaway Camp

Why couldn't you have stopped while you were very far behind?  Sleepaway Camp was a mild hit in 1983, proving to be more famous for its twist ending than anything else.  Welcome to your future, The Sixth Sense!  Sleepaway Camp 2 was another decent hit, although some big plot changes occurred and the faces involved changed.  Sleepaway Camp 3 stretched the premise a bit too far and tried to insist that it was important.  More importantly- it's not really funny.  Next came Sleepaway Camp 4.  Wondering why you can't find it on Netflix and/or streaming anywhere?  Well, they never finished making it.  If you get the series collection on DVD- which doesn't include today's film, as it was made later- you get to see the remnants of the film on the Special Features Disc.  Even so, today's film is unofficially-known as Sleepaway Camp V.  Yes, by all means, acknowledge the film that was neither completed nor released in any way!  That brings us to 2008 where the original director returned to reclaim his series.  The result- a movie barely-released on DVD, let alone in theaters.  Good job.  The film supposedly continues the story, all the while ignoring 2 and 3.  Angry much?  Will this film be the return to form or just prove why you shouldn't resurrect a film series after 25 years?  Pack your bags and your assault rifles for our...

The film begins by immediately-annoying the audience.  A couple of pre-teens are lighting farts, whereupon a fat kid joins them to pick on them.  However, he always thinks that others are picking on him.  As it turns out, a lot of them are...while he also insults and incites them.  What happened to 'bullies pick on kid, kid gets revenge?'  Why was that not in this story?  Instead, I like nobody.  The new Camp is run by 'Big Pussy' and has a staff that includes Isaac Hayes as The Chef.  Hey movie- not funny!  The kids are so rowdy that they won't even listen to a cop with a voice box tell them not to smoke.  Those bastards!  We see more antagonism both too and from Alan, the fat kid.  He makes a scene and then gets taken to the kitchen, where he argues with the Chef's Assistant.  It ends with the kid throwing a knife at the guy and being taken away.  You couldn't be a bigger Red Herring if you lived in the Ocean!  Speaking of which, the guy is killed later as a mysterious assailant tips him into the container full of fry oil.  Gee, I'm sure it's totally that kid we saw earlier...

The movie goes through a series of scenes that are very repetitious.  Basically, Alan picks a fight with people who did nothing to him and then gets picked on by the other kids.  In fact, a couple of the Counselors get in on the act.  Most of these bits are just stupid and tedious.  One of the other sub-plots involves Alan having the hots for a blond girl who has to be at least 22.  She's still hot- don't get me wrong- but she's not the right age.  She eventually agrees to meet him at his lakeside hide-out, but gets freaked out when all of the frogs end up being skinned.  As it turns out, this was the result of a bully's action.  Hey, remember the bullies from Evilspeak that sacrificed Clint's puppy to Satan?  Well, they have rivals!  Oh yeah, the fat kid never changes his shirt either, even after he's doused in eggs, tossed in the lake and shot with paintballs.  I'd make a joke about Eugene from the WWE, but most of you would probably not get it.  Throughout this time, people are sporadically-killed.  This film manages to rip-off moments from it's own series too.  Case in point: the stoner guy is burned alive.  Get it?!?  It's like a joint!

Apparently they used up the Special Effects budget by this point because we just get more Allen being a jerk and people being bigger jerks to him.  In an odd little scene, the cop from earlier- who never really leaves- goes to visit the brother of Angela.  This will be important later, so don't forget it.  Eventually, the movie goes into overdrive and tries to cover for the boring parts.  One guy gets killed via a stake driven through a hole in the Cabin floor, but only after it misses the first time and he sticks his face in front of it 50 more times.  The fat, black girl gets killed when the assailant jumps on the top bunk, driving the nails placed into it through her body.  That's creative, but pretty damn silly.  The Camp owner gets killed when he gets a bird cage put on his head some sort of animal placed inside.  As for Hayes, he just sort of stops showing up in the film- odd.  The killer eventually goes after the blond girl, but the cop saves her.  Pay attention to this plot point too.  The lead jerk goes out after Alan and beats him with a mallet before being attacked by the unseen killer.  The blond girl, Angela's brother and the lead counselor arrive to see Alan hurt and the kid skinned.  A laugh comes from the distance as the cop pulls off his mask, fake beard and prosthetic work to reveal...Angela.  After that, the movie just ends abruptly.

Camp is back and it sucks!  The plot is simple enough, but they screw it up in a number of ways.  How am I supposed to feel bad for Allen?  Yes, he gets picked on- but he also picks on other people.  He's not a victim!  He's just a bully who's a little lower on the food chain!  I don't empathize with him in any way.  It's one thing to try something new, but it's another try something this stupid!  The acting is...well, take a guess what I' m going to say.  Even the people that I kind of like- Hayes, for example- are not good here.  Here's my biggest thing: the plot holes.  If Angela was impersonating the cop the whole time, how come she/he went to see the brother?  It would be one thing if someone else was with her and it was for her cover.  In the film, however, she's alone and she doesn't tell anyone about it.  Was it all an attempt to get the brother to come back to see her in the end?  If so, why?!?  Furthermore, how come none of the paramedics or other authority figures question his/her presence.  Can you really just dress like a cop and nobody asks questions?  I also have to get a special 'shout-out' to the Music Department and their ability to turn the music up super-loud during dull scenes.  Yeah, that totally covers it!  Ultimately, this movie is a disappointment in a number of ways.  I'd rather watch Sleepaway Camp 3 again while having invasive dental surgery done to me!

Next up, we get into a week of Direct-to-DVD sequels.  First up is the prequel to an action film almost nobody saw- why?!?  Stay tuned...
 

Forgotten Sequels: Sleepaway Camp III

Here we are again with the third and final Sleepaway Camp of the 1980s.  I should note that a fourth film was made, but not completed.  All of you who actually spent the money on that box-set can feel special, I guess.  So what's changed this time around?  Well, it's a new camp full of teens and naive counselors.  In a return to form, Angela is a camper, although it is notable that Pamela Springsteen was 26 when she made this movie.  To the film's credit, there is a joke or two made about her not looking 17.  Ha ha, plot holes are funny!  If you thought that the social commentary and humor was too subtle in Part II, you're going to love this movie.  If you thought that it was way too blunt and ridiculous, you're going to really hate this movie.  The good thing about viewing the film on DVD is that all of the blood and guts that were excised from the original cut are back.  I hope that can distract me from the tedium.  Get out your age-concealing make-up for my review of...

The film begins with a bitchy teen getting up to go to a camp.  If you were wondering if the film would have pointless nudity in the first two minutes, the answer is 'yes.'  She goes to the bus stop, but is chased away by an oncoming garbage truck!  She runs into the alley...as opposed to just some stairs and gets run over.  Somehow, nobody goes to check on this or the driver's subsequent crushing of the girl's body in the back of truck.  Any guesses on the who the driver is?  Yeah, it's Angela, who conveniently has 'Angela is Back' spray-painted on a wall behind her.  People in New York really are blind!  She arrives undercover at Camp New Horizons, a special camp set-up by a married couple.  The plan is simple: half of the campers are rich socialite teenagers and the others are poor teenagers from 'the inner city.'  Fun fact: the rich teens are named after The Brady Bunch kids, while the poor ones are named after characters from West Side Story.  That's the kind of subtlety you get in this movie, so get used to it!  A reporter does a story on them and leaves, but not before being given some 'drugs' by Angela.  She drives twenty feet out of camp and snorts the 'cocaine,' only to find out that it's industrial cleaner and she dies.  Nobody ever discovers the body, by the way.  Angela is primed and ready to kill!

Angela's plan hits a wrinkle when she meets the third counselor (yes, only three): the cop father of the male lead in Part II.  He's also one of the cops that arrested her after the end of the original film, so, naturally, he doesn't recognize her.  The campers are split up into three groups and sent to different sections of the woods.  We get a little characterization, but it really amounts to very little.  The poor kids are ethnic cliches, including the black kid who always plays rap and the grungy white kid who's always spray-painting things.  As far as the rich kids go, they're all just variants of the same vanilla character, save for the 'final girl.'  Fun fact: this final girl is also the sister of a celebrity- Melanie Griffith.  Does anyone care?  I didn't think so.  We don't have to wait too long before we get some killings.  One of the poor kids who annoys Angela with firecrackers dies early, but not after a sight gag with the Jason mask and a joke about it being Saturday the 14th.  That only serves to remind me how I can't watch that movie, you jerk!  The slutty girl is also killed, alongside the perverted husband/camp co-owner.  After killing off the kid with the spray paint, our heroine leaves the group and moves on to a second one.

The problem with the movie is pretty evident here- nothing without Angela is actually interesting.  The wife's group is joined by our villainess, who proceeds to target them next.  She takes advantage of a trust exercise to lead the racist, rich girl away and kill her.  Aside from reminding me of Princess Clara, I don't care about the character one bit.  The remaining group is taken out with ease, including the rich guy who has the hots for Angela and the wife.  The former has his arms ripped off by a tow line, while the latter is buried in a hole and decapitated with a lawnmower.  No, I don't exactly know how that is supposed to work.  With that out of the way, she joins the third and final group.  Things don't go well, however, as the cop finally figures out who Angela is and, after a whole film's worth of build-up, is shot to death.  Wow, that was anti-climactic.  It comes down to our 'final girl,' the lead boy (also her love interest) and two expendable teens.  Angela holds them hostage with the black kid's gun from earlier and makes them do a Saw-like game where they must find the 'final girl' in two minutes or die.  When they get to her, they set off a trap that kills the two expendable teens.  Angela decides to spare the two because of their 'innocence,' so they stab her.  On the ambulance ride away, Angela kills the EMTs and escapes...with a stomach wound.  The End.

This movie blows and for a great many reasons.  For one, Angela is the only reason to watch this movie.  Every character besides her is replaceable and is given the same amount of care and work that went into naming them.  Hell, even the guy with two films worth of back-story (the cop) does nothing and dies!  The acting is...well, it's a low-budget, '80s horror film that tries to be funny- you figure it out.  The only thing of note is that a couple of them- especially the Asian gal- are kind of hot.  The plot is really silly and stupid, but that's no surprise.  We're on the second sequel to a film that is really only notable for its twist ending, for crying out loud!  Hell, even Pamela doesn't seem that interested in this material.  You can tell this by the necessity of adding a new quirk to her character: wearing Ray Ban sunglasses while killing people.  That helps block the sight of your actress always rolling her eyes at her dialogue, I suppose.  The biggest strike against this movie is the really blunt and pointless satire.  So much of it is just ridiculous and does nothing to help make this movie timeless.  It's only been twenty years or so since this movie came out, but it really feels like a product of its era and nothing more.  Unless you have to see every slasher film ever made (guilty), you can skip this one without missing much.

Up next, Mondo Bizarro celebrates 800 posts in the usual style.  Who wants a weird, foreign film that you've probably never heard of?  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Lazy Cover Art: Sleepaway Camp II-III

Okay, I was wrong.  Here we are again with a second edition.  Now with foreign cover art to boot!

Sleepaway Camp II was an interesting revamp of a horror series which is much akin to Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II.  Let's check out the German DVD release art for it...

Well, that's kind of a lie, but it does sort of represent in the movie.  Either way, it's silly, but effective.  How does Sleepaway Camp III turn out...

Are you kidding me?  You just took a minute to re-color the thing and invert the image placement!  Feh!  Kudos for using new font...I guess.

Next up...well, we'll see.  Never say never, I guess.

Forgotten Sequel: Sleepaway Camp II

After the surprise success of Sleepaway Camp, a sequel was sure to follow.  Hell, the only '80s film of this type that didn't really get a sequel is Neon Maniacs, that poor bastard.  This film was made a mere five years after the first one, so the waters weren't exactly fresh.  On a positive note, the lead was wisely-recast, a lesson that Don Coscarelli should have learned sometime around 1988!  The film is notable for casting two people related to famous people as their leads: Pamela Springsteen and Renee Estevez.  Hmm, one of them is the sister of a singer and the other is a sister of the guy from Repo Man.  I could say that she's the daughter of Martin Sheen, but it's funnier to call her the niece of Joe Estevez, so I will!  Anyhow, the illusive Angela has somehow worked her way into being a counselor at a camp that is on the same grounds that her original murders took place.  Was Crystal Lake too much of a trip for you?  Oh and that's not spoiling any surprise for you, since her identity and motives are literally revealed before the film's title card!  Will this movie be a new cult classic like A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 or a big disappointment like Friday the 13th, Part 5?  Get out your bug spray for my review of...

The film begins with a group of campers sitting around a fire and telling scary stories.  One of them tells the tale of Angela, the boy-girl who killed all of the people at the camp.  This is broken up by the youngest counselor in camp pulling the lead girl away from the group...and killing her.  You couldn't have waited until you were more than 10 feet away, huh?  So yeah, the young counselor is Angela, who was apparently given a sex-change operation while in the institution for the last few years.  This is the kind of out-of-control psychological institutions that Reagan rallied against!  Actually, this is a plot point that is never addressed fully, since it is mentioned in the camp story, but not confirmed or denied by Angela at any point.  Explain, movie!  We learn that the camp is full of 'bad eggs,' which is just a pretense for Angela to have trouble with all of the '80s slasher movie cliches.  When your movie is telegraphed within the first ten minutes, where is the fun exactly?  Oh and we meet our really obvious 'final girl' in the form of Estevez as the cute, innocent redhead.  Just for juxtaposition, we get a slutty blond who flashes the boys and wears wet t-shirts.  Thank you, movie- we all get it!  The first real victims are a pair of stoner girls who get burned alive by the fire.  Kudos for having the one girl sleep through both the sound and smell of her sister being charred to death a mere foot in front of her!

The film flows in a pretty linear manner, so let's see how interesting I can make this.  The teens do a bunch of 'naughty' things and proceed to get killed.  For example, the teen males have a panty raid of the girls' cabin, followed by the girls getting their retribution.  A pair of the guys dress up like Jason and Freddy Krueger in an attempt to scare Angela.  She counters this by dressing up like Leatherface and killing them with a chainsaw.  Fun fact or lazy writing: all of the campers appear to have a really bad sense of hearing.  The slutty girl actually escapes death when Angela's chainsaw runs out of gas before she can cut the door to the bathroom where she is having random sex open.  Wah wah lame!  Incidentally, how does Angela cover up the deaths of the teens at the camp?  She tells the camp leaders, including a great guy with a mullet, that she kicked them out for breaking the rules.  That's...extremely-lame, movie.  I would be remiss if I didn't address some of the film's more random scenes.  For example, Angela leads a cheerful sing-along early in the movie...for no reason.  Later on, she has a weird bit of regret via flashback to earlier scenes from this movie and Part 1.  Does it go anywhere?  No.

As things get worse, the movie gets even less subtle and even less clever.  The slutty girl finally gets killed by Angela after having sex with a random guy in the woods.  She is lead to an abandoned cabin, stabbed a couple of times and dumped in the latrine.  That's...awfully-sadistic and long-winded for a film that has had quick kills so far.  The movie's lone black girl gets killed when she talks about how none of the 'kicked out' teens have returned home.  She tells this to Angela, leading to her being garroted with a guitar string.  The lead up to this is supposed to be funny, but I don't care.  Angela's bosses finally kick her out for expelling so many youths without consulting them and she takes it well.  I'm just kidding- she kills them off-camera.  Our villain decides to capture 'final girl' and her boyfriend for some reason, only to kill the guy within a couple of minutes.  In one of the film's few clever moments, the mullet-sporting counselor shows up to save the day, only to have battery acid thrown in his face.  One throw-away line in the second scene had him mention his missing car battery and it sets up this.  Afterward, one of the remaining counselors fulfills one of the slasher cliches by wandering around and finding all of the people dead, including two perv kids from earlier.  Our heroine makes her escape...only to run into Angela after she kills a pointless cameo character.  The End.

This movie is...really not that good.  It has some interesting moments, but it is still one of the most 'by the book' films you can see.  You want to know why people talked about the slasher genre losing all of its steam and polish as the 1980s came to a close?  If so, check out this movie, not to mention tomorrow's review.  Pamela's performance as Angela is actually pretty good, although her act as a nice person is never that believable.  She always looks like she's plotting to kill someone in the next five minutes...which she usually is.  Never mind that only a few years has gone by since her famous arrest, institution sentence and release/escape.  By the way, could you guys please pick an answer to any of your back-story questions please?  There's really not a lot of plot here, so you could have taken time to focus on it, couldn't you?  We don't watch these films for the plot, so how is the gore?  It's pretty average, although there are some inspired moments near the end.  The movie tries to over-compensate by setting up a room full of bodies and it really feels forced.  Thank God for Angela that nobody checks one of the eight buildings in the camp!  If you want to see how odd the slasher genre got, this is a must-see.  For everybody else, just watch something else.

Next up, Angela returns for one last hurrah in a film with even more awkward comedy and gore.  I miss you, subtlety.  Stay tuned...