Quick Reviews: Edge of Winter

As long as I'm reviewing old-timey Racism and giant Monsters, I might as well do an Indy Drama!  My logic is fun!

A slightly-unhinged man (Joel Kinnaman) is being given his kids for the Weekend.

Good news- his oldest Son is Spider-Man.

No, he's just some kid.  He's not happy with this arrangement.

When their Car gets wrecked, the trio are now stuck in the Woods.  At least Dad is holding it together.

Oh wait.

Things are only going to get worse before they get better.  Damn you, Ice!

When 2 new people show up, will they bring salvation or more trouble?  Will Dad snap (thus showing more emotion than Kinnaman has ever shown in a U.S. Film)?

To find out, watch the Film.

Good, but kind of hollow.  To be fair, the Film is full of good, interesting performances.  Unfortunately, that was just about all there was for me.  There is a Plot- just not much to talk about.  They go to the Woods, get stuck and then stuff happens.  I can't complain about the Film overall- it just wasn't that interesting overall.  Kinnaman and Holland do good jobs with their Roles, as underwritten as they are.  Edge of Winter had potential to be an interesting, claustrophobic Character Drama...but just had the last part.  My big question: why did they put in a Special Thanks for Seth Rogen?

Very much a Character Piece...but nothing more.  The bare-bones Plot is just enough to have everyone Act.

Screener Flix: Horsehead

This one is...just kind of odd for the sake of being odd.  Today's Film is Horsehead, a Film about...wait- do I need to explain this?  Is there an explanation that would do?  I'll try.  This is about a young lady having weird dreams.  That's about it.  This is probably one of those rare cases where my Review will be shorter than Maynard's.  Let's find out, shall we...

A woman is having all sorts of crazy dreams that are color-tinted, bizarre and feature a Horsehead-like person.  Kudos to Auto Correct for accepting the word 'Horsehead.'

She is going to visit her Family for the first time in 3 years.  They don't get along- at all.  Joy.

She continues to have her dreams and they are getting worse.  By the way, sleeping in the bath- smart choice!

She seeks help for navigating her dreams and finding out the truth, while her Mother scoffs.

Oh hai, Not Charles Dance!

The dreams and weird shit continues.  The problem for me: this ominous guy and his digitally-altered voice sounds way too much like the bad guy from The Final Sacrifice.  Sorry.

Will her dreams lead her to the truth...or to death.  To find out, see the Film when it opens.  The End.

Weird and...that's about it.  To be honest with you, I really couldn't get into this one.  I didn't really connect with the situation, the Characters or the whole thing.  I'm not necessarily saying that it is bad.  It just did nothing for me.  To be fair, some of the Visuals are neat.  The idea of the Horsehead creature and his design is good.  I just...well, this one did nothing for me.  It is neat-looking at times, but fell flat for me.  Your experience may be different.  This is by a Company called Artsploitation, so...you get what you expect.  On the plus side, Bob will like that a Wolf is shown as a heroic Spirit (or something) in this Film...

Next up, some Holiday fun.  Just when you thought I was done with Starship Troopers, I found more!  Stay tuned...

Screener Flix: Infernal (2015)

Another day, another October Coast Film.  My track record with them is only so-so, but not every Film is a winner.  Today's Film is Infernal, a 2015 Horror Film from said Company coming soon to DVD and VOD.  I like to see this kind of thing early, even if it isn't my kind of thing.  Let's get this out of the way first: this is a Found Footage Horror Film.  Yea.  Like I've said before, I don't inherently hate these things.  If anything, I like them more...before I see them.  My bar for them is so low after so many Paranormal Activity Films and stuff like The Devil's Due.  I keep watching them hoping for another one like Trollhunter, which just nails the formula right.  I should note that one my colleagues- who shall remain Austrian...er, anonymous- was not looking forward to this one, so I'm also doing him a favor by checking this out.  The Film is about a family raising a Daughter with developmental problems...or is it something evil?  The Story takes some odd, dramatic turns throughout...but I won't cover them too much.  The key thing is whether or not this is something to check out.  To find out, read on...

In a very random opening, a young couple decides to get married...after the girlfriend awkwardly announces her pregnancy.  Off to a great start, guys.  When she says 'yes' and they hug, the Soundtrack (which was just a generic Pop Rock Song before) freaks the hell out!

If Hans Zimmer's soundtrack was backed by a death metal band, you'd get an idea of how insistent the Soundtrack is.  Their cross slowly (and awkwardly) turns upside down and one of the THREE Cameras filming them moving in falls over to reveal something freaky in a mirror.

The baby is born and, after the last time you ever see these people really happy, we jump ahead 8 years!  Apparently NOTHING happened at all of note for nearly a Decade and these two don't age.

While seeking help for the child's diagnosed issues (most likely Autism, according to the Doctors), all sorts of weird little things start to happen.  Dogs start congregating at night, weird noises can be heard in the daughter's room (apparently the Attic!) and even the camera itself seems to move on its own.

As things get worse (for the couple and their souls, possibly), you must ask- how will this end?  I won't tell.  Go see it for yourself like these fine people...

It is kind of in the middle for me.  On one hand, there is not a single, major Found Footage Trope they don't cover.  That could be a good thing- if you are into that kind of stuff.  If you are, great.  If you aren't, this will be everything you expect it to be and not much more.  On the other hand, the stuff they do different is...interesting.  Basically, the couple bicker...alot.  The one thing they really agree on is that they love to fight with each other.  Mind you, it is represented as compiled stress from raising the kid and dealing with all of the problems related to it.  Fine.  As a Film, though, we see them happy and then constantly bickering.  By jumping ahead so far, we miss the transition and they really feel like different people.  The Husband especially goes through many mood swings and alternates between nice guy and total asshole.  It is kind of like if you alternately click Paragon and Renegade in a Mass Effect Game...only it was every few minutes.  Some of that can possibly be explained by the Plot, but not nearly enough.  The result of it is that you start to lose a bit of empathy for these people, which is key for a Story like this.  You must like the people, so when things start to go bad, you really feel concerned.  Here, well, I'm not sure I cared about some of these jerks.  If that was the goal, then mission accomplished.  I wanted to like this one, but it was too jarring for me.  If you ever wanted to see Paranormal Activity mixed with Ordinary People, then you are in luck.  It is worth noting that this Film even uses the 'Guy Watches the Footage' Trope and...it also goes nowhere..

Next up, I finally stop putting off two Films given to me on Christmas.  They both are supposed to be...interesting, so let me see how they

Indy Flix: Morbid (2014)

A low-budget Horror Flick that is good...but not all there.  Today's Film is Morbid, a Film given to me via an associate on Facebook.  He's in the midst of trying to get his Film some Distribution, so let's see if I can help.  Morbid is the tale of a masked Killer taking out people in a small, rural Town.  Why?  What does he have to gain?  What is his goal?  That's...not easy to say, as this one is not exactly full of answers.  While it lacks a bit in Story, does it deliver everywhere else?  To find out, read on...

In the Intro, these two guys discuss Horror Films.  Naturally, they talk about Halloween and Black Christmas- thus making this one time-appropriate.

As one of them goes to take a Shower, someone appears to be watching.

He doesn't look friendly.  On the plus side, he does give us a gender-swapped 'Shower Scene,' so that's interesting.

This leads to the killer going on a killing spree.

He's so evil that he even kills the Film's Director!  You monster!

I know that it might seem mean to pick on a low-budget Horror Film for being low-budget, but...I mean, really?!?  This...is something else.

So the main crux of the Story is people going to and/or preparing for a Party held by the Star Quarterback (seen on the right).  He's kind of an asshole.

He's kind of a big asshole, actually.

Who will live?  Who will die?  Will the Killer be stopped?  Will he stop littering?

To find out, watch the Movie (whenever it gets officially-released).

It's not bad really...but it just doesn't feel like a complete movie.  It has a beginning and it has an Ending- granted.  It has Characters, Scenarios and Settings too.  My problem is honestly that this feels more like an extended series of kills than a Film.  It works as a really good Demo Reel for the people behind it though.  They give you many kills with a variety of weapons.  You see a variety of ways to dispose of people.  You get some good, low-budget gore as well.  So if the point was to show what they could do as far as kills go, they succeeded.  If the goal was to make a Slasher Film that would blow you away, they only partially-succeeded.  I liked the mysterious Killer and his costume design.  The Mask- a variation of the one used in Nightbreed- is nice.  The whole 'silent killer' thing is done alot, but it isn't bad here at all.  I won't SPOIL his one unique trait that shows up in the Finale, but it sure is...something.  So as far as Low-Budget Horror goes, this is good.  If there was more of a Story, more consistent Characters and a more contiguous Narrative, I'd rate it even higher.  Not bad at all, just lacking a few things to work on in the future.  As I noted to the Director on Facebook, he got a point on the Low-Budget Horror Film Bingo Card early with people watching Night of the Living Dead on TV...

Up next, a special bonus for all of you out there.  I celebrate Christmas early with a bonus Review...from Project Terrible!  Stay tuned...

Indy (and Arty) Flix: H.G. Wells' The War of The Worlds

Ugh.  Just ugh, really.  Today's film is H.G. Wells' The War of The Worlds, which is not to be confused with The Asylum's film or Steven Spielberg's (or the 1953 film) movie.  The Internet shorthand for this film is actually The Pendragon War of The Worlds film (after the Production Company who made it).  It is available in three different releases, so, naturally, the one I found is the longest version possible.  Just my luck!  The film's gimmick: telling the tale as true to the original Story as possible.  That is kind of noble, honestly, if a bit pretentious.  If you don't know, all of the film versions have changed the setting to America (mostly) and set them in the Present Day (of when they are made).  So, on that basis, I don't mind the idea behind it.  However, the film has ambitious scale and pretentious presentation...and almost no budget.  One source claims that the film had a budget of 'around $25 million.'  If that is the case, then this was the biggest Ponzi Scheme since Bernie Madoff!  If you look at this film and see more than $20,000 on-screen, then I really question your eyes.  To find out why this movie fails just so badly, read on...

After a ponderous mix of real footage and terrible CG models of London (which totally match!), we get our hero- a nameless Author- meeting his Scientist friend and observing a totally-real phenomenon.

This...this is just the beginning, folks.

It is also worth noting that our hero has a really fake and doofy mustache.  I say this because it will be the first and last thing you see when you watch any of his Scenes.  It is very, very distracting.

Oh and you'll love it more when you find out WHY he has a mustache.

A rock crashes and the Scientist finds it.  He is delayed when a man tries to lock him in his Barn, but he escapes.  So yeah, this movie was 3 hours long and could have used an Editor.

After a lot of stalling, we get a goofy-looking Martians come out and use their 'heat ray.  Just take a look at these effects as you remember that 'around $25 million' figure.

The film starts to really drag at this point- exactly when you think that it would pick it up.  There are just long sections without dialogue, without real action and of this guy running.  It.  just.  keeps.  going.

Since I haven't used this Pic in a while, here is a great summary of my feeling about an hour or so in...

Sparing you 90 minutes or so, I'll sum up the film for what you get.  First- terrible, terrible CG Effects.

Second- Terribly-goofy Reaction Shots to things happening- pretty much always the Martians attacking.

It is also worth noting here that the reason our Author has a mustache is because *sigh* his brother is the other Protagonist.  It is the same Actor, just sans fake mustache.  Ugh.

We also get the story's famous ending (why would they change that, after all?), now with no build-up whatsoever.  It just kind of ends.  The End.

Eegad, this is long!  It is way, way, WAY too long.  As I mentioned in the Intro, there are two other Cuts of the film out there in the nearly 10 years since it was made.  One of them is 2 hours and 15 minutes long, while another is 2 hours and 25 minutes.  My version- as mentioned- is 3 hours long.  You guys could cut up to 45 minutes, so what does that say about my Cut?  Look- I get it (to a certain degree).  You- Timothy Hines- had a vision of what your film would be like.  All of your stuff is just 'so great' and you need 'every Scene' to tell the Story properly.  You're wrong, of course.  The bottom line is this: you just didn't have the Budget, Talent and overall resources (Actors, Writers, etc) to make the film live up to its potential.  I don't fault you for *wanting* make the movie.  I do, however, fault you for making a 3 hour film that manages to be both laughably-bad and boring.  The worst news: he did a Remake of it in 2013!  Any thoughts, World?

Up next, I wrap up my Project Terrible Films with a depressing Time-Travel movie.  I don't know why I want to Find this Cody person, but whatever.  Stay tuned...

Indy Crap: Nosferatu vs Father Pipecock and Sister Funk

To quote Jason Alexander quoting Woody Allen quoting Groucho Marx, 'I would never join any Club that would have me as a Member.'  Today's film is...ugh Nosferatu vs. Father Pipecock and Sister Funk.  Do I even need to say anything about that?  I didn't think so.  This Film was given to me as a special Invite to review.  Much like Parties, it is always nice to be invited...even if you may not want to go.  I did 'go' in this case and lived to regret it.  There's no sense suffering with no reward, so I might as well try to review it.  The Film is brought to you by Tex Watt, although he didn't do all of the work.  As you may have inferred, alot of work was actually done about 100 years ago by a crazy Director who made a great Vampire Film.  Tex's contribution: 'hilarious' re-dubbing, new footage of him and some topless ladies and...well, casual Racism.  You'll see.  This is mostly Nosferatu, only with some new crap to pretty much ruin it.  To see the end result (or as much as I could stand), read on...

Mr. Watt here seems to really like the whole Grindhouse Revival.  He's very subtle about it though, he says sarcastically.

Just to be safe, assume that most of what I say here is done sarcastically...assuming you don't already.

Here's your second Warning Sign: an indication that the New Footage was made by our Director.  Joy.

So yeah, it's Nosferatu...just with terrible Re-Dubbing Shaolin Dolemite-style.  Laugh- laugh damn it!!!

Despite the film being over 90 minutes long (no, really), Watt indulges in alot of Tell, Don't Show.

So, to sum the Film up so far: Ruining a good Movie, not being funny and cutting lots of corners.

Watt's new footage is made up of ladies acting like Vampires (in what appears to be his Living Room) and something that I won't show...

The titular Father is played by Watt in *wait for it* black-face.  I will spare you the visual.

Besides, I think that my Site will end up on some sort of List if I do.  It's better off this way.

I will not waste any more of your time trying to explain this.  Instead, I'll leave you with the Film's best effect. The End.

No, just no.  Seriously, just no.  This Film...this Film is just awful.  It is rude, crude and not funny.  What was the point of this?  Really- I want to know!  Did the Director think that a Film Classic- which is Public Domain now- wasn't complete without dick jokes, fart jokes and black-face.  As a side-note, how did the Film made in the 1920s (when black-face was acceptable) not have it, but the Film made in 2011 (when it is not) does?  That is just...just wow.  For the record, I accepted it in Tropic Thunder, since there was context and it wasn't treated as something good.  Here- it is just played for alleged laughs.  There is nothing good here.  I would like to get Invites/Screeners in the Future, but I would also like them to not suck so bad.  I will leave you with Mr. Watt's Thanks Page that 'Credits' a ton of good Directors (like Peter Weir and John Landis)...that would not endorse this shit...

Up next, an Animated film that combines Wrestling and a talking Dog.  Since WCW didn't have Scooby-Doo win the World Title back in the day, I'll have to settle for this.  Stay tuned...

Indy Flix: Paranoia (2011)

Who would have expected a deep, serious film from a man who's seen more than one E.T. Porn Parody?  Seriously, he has and those are a thing.  Today's film is Paranoia (2011), a movie Written by and Starring Brad 'The Cinema Snob' Jones.  While he makes ad money by reviewing stuff like Pussy Talk or Deep Throat 2 (also not Porn Films- just for the record), he is also an Independent Filmmaker.  As part of our random Secret Santa program, my friend (and fellow reviewer of shit movies) Bob bought me his two most recent films.  The second is a film based around his Reviewer persona, so I figured that his more serious film would be a better place to start. Paranoia is about a man named Mark who has the worst night of his life...and then things get weird.  I will say now that the film has a real David Cronenberg-style vibe to it, so it will appeal to some of you more than it did me.  That is not to say that I didn't like the film- I'm just giving it a conditional note.  My biggest issue was with the wrap-up, which I will mostly avoid talking about.  I want the guy to be successful, so I'm not going to SPOIL too much of this.  Besides, the thing is only six bucks!  Coming from a man who has bought The Amazing Bulk twice (one for my friend and one for my own collection), I can tell you that I appreciate a good value!  To get a hint as to whether or not you should check this film out, read on...

Mark Bishop is having the culmination of a long, long period of bad luck.  His writing- failure.  His personal life- barely there.

As for his marriage, well...

 You be the Judge.

It is also notable that there is apparently a Serial Killer in this small Illinois town.  It is with that in mind that he is a bit freaked out when a stranger shows up at his door with a gun.

Things only escalate from there.  You know that your night is bad when you have to dump a body.

Things continue on a strange path for Mark Bishop.  He keeps seeing familiar people and he can't seem to lose that damn screwdriver!

I guess it is the film equivalent of the rotten fish from Space Quest VI.  That's a joke for all three of you that get the reference.  Enjoy.

Oh shit- he has a gun.  This is definitely going to get worse as the night goes on.

On the plus side, he is taking it all well.

I won't SPOIL where the Plot ends up going or anything.  I will say that Mark sees enough shit go down that he makes this face at least twice.

Like I said, the Ending is pretty weird.  In the film's defense, the seemingly-random nature of it is addressed.  Even so, it does make my head hurt a bit.  Thanks for the sympathy pain, Mark.  The End.

It wasn't quite what I was expecting.  Having never seen one of Brad Jones' films (to be fair, he didn't Direct it), I wasn't sure what to expect.  This is certainly deep, dark and cerebral.  I will grant you that there are some financial limitations to the film- like bullet wounds that only appear later-, but that is just something that is par for the course with an Indy Film.  The key is that films like this don't try to be bigger than what they can reasonably achieve.  I justifiably-give Attack From Beneath flack for trying to make a comparable film to Pacific Rim for a super small percentile of the budget.  Paranoia works in a lot of ways because it is a personal, character-focused and small in scale.  This is the tale of Mark Bishop- plain and simple.  What they choose to focus on is something that they can easily achieve.  Why is that so hard for people to figure out?!?  Anyhow, the film is pretty dark and dreary, which will probably turn some people off.  Ultimately, Paranoia is an interesting journey for one character that you will either connect with or just kind of get lost on by the end.  I still don't regret watching the film, even if I'm not 100% sure that I like the Ending.  Since nothing all that funny happens, I'll leave you with this totally-real gun with a plastic nub on the bottom (that all guns have)...

Next up, I finally tackle a film that has been sitting by my TV for like three months.  With sixteen books, but only one film...there must be something here.  Stay tuned...