Straw Deaths: Dark Harvest 3- The Scarecrow

Another shitty Scarecrow movie to finish things up.  Unlike the last Dark Harvest, this film has something in common- other than the fact that corn exists.  Just like the other one, it is also not a sequel to Dark Harvest...or Dark Harvest 2.  No, the studio needed another movie to come out in 2004 with the Dark Harvest name, so a film called Skarecrow (yes, that's how they spelled it) was rechristened as such.  Not like I wanted them to, but they could have just waited two years for The Maize 2 and at least had some sort of continuity (in theory).  Instead, they just went this silly, silly route.  The plot of this film is pretty similar to Dark Harvest, involving a killer scarecrow and a family curse.  Hell, it even has a bunch of random people going to a cabin/barn on the weekend.  All it's missing is the random nudity scene from the lake in that film...unfortunately.  To see just how this 'series' ends with more of a whimper than a bang, read on...

In 1921, a trio of redneck guys go off to kill a witch.  Why?  No reason- they just do.  Trouble comes their way, however...

...when a random Federal Agent shows up and gets killed.  His blood splatters on a cursed Scarecrow and it kills them.  Flash forward!

In 1981, a group of people go out to a cabin in the woods- when has that ever ended well?- with their buddy, who's a complete dick.  Why do you hang out with him?

In place of the weird ghost woman- with the make-up that doesn't cover her neck, there is this resident of Nilbog.  He's weird, random and never really amounts to all that much.

This is our killer Scarecrow.  To the film's credit, it is better than the ones in Dark Harvest.  Of course, those also sucked.

The actions of the Scarecrow is related to the main character's girlfriend, since her blood activated the Scarecrow this time.  Do they actually explain how this works?  No.

Thanks to some awkward Editing, the Scarecrow kills one woman while she's having sex with her boyfriend.  Her boobs appear, her face appears, but never together.  Hi, body double!  Oh yeah, it kills her, but leaves the boyfriend alone...for some reason.

Well, until he charges at the Scarecrow later and it just punches through his chest, ripping his heart out.  How does that work exactly?

The whole thing builds up to a weird finale involving the Scarecrow killing nearly everyone, showing up in the living room and...um, the main character ending up in a mental institution.  Pardon?  The End.

This movie is full of straw.  The plot is just silly and a weird sort of rehash of Dark Harvest.  Given that the film was actually made in 2002 (as shown by the calendars- thanks, IMDB!), it's possible that these guys ripped it off.  If so, that's pretty sad.  The movie was not good, so why do we need another?  That said, the plot is not so unique that it could be a coincidence.  It is kind of the plot of Scarecrows, after all.  This movie makes the simple premise confusing by way of the flashback, unexplained magic and convoluted pacing.  Throwing in the 'I told you about the curse' family sub-plot doesn't help things either.  If you like good horror films, avoid the Dark Harvest series in general.  If you do have to watch one, go with the original.  It sucks, but it's not as boring or confusing as these two films!  Take us away, good distractions...

Next up, a doll comes back for revenge.  If you like murder and plot holes, you're in luck!  Stay tuned...

Straw Deaths: Dark Harvest 2- The Maize

Are you ready to feel bad for the makers of Dark Harvest?  Dark Harvest is not a good movie.  It's cheap, stupid and feels cheap overall.  That said, it's much better than this movie!  You want the story?  Here it is.  In 2004, Harvest was released on DVD.  Evidently, it sold well enough for the company that owned it's video rights to get more films made.  The problem- the people behind the movie didn't have one.  With that in mind, the company went out and bought a film called The Maize and called it Dark Harvest 2.  It's really that simple.  What is the plot of this movie?  A guy wanders around a corn maze- cue the pun- and looks for his missing daughters.  That's it- for 90 minutes!  If you want to see what Level 7 of Hell looks like, this is it!  Feel my pain and read on...

This is a maze.  It is full of maize.  Any questions?

Our hero has a psychic vision of his kids in peril and tries to warn his wife, but it's too late- they're in the maze!

The imagery of this schmuck wandering around a muddy, corn maze is so exciting that it gets picture-in-picture.  Kill me now.

On top of that, the D-List version of the Twins from The Shining show up.  The pay-off to this: lame.

If you want to get drunk while watching this movie (it probably helps), play this game- spot the lighting changes.  There's this...

...followed by this shot thirty seconds later.  Just to accentuate it, here's what you see within another thirty seconds...

That pesky sun sure is hard to wrangle, huh?  The sad part- this game still makes the movie feel boring.

 I'll take time away from complaining about how dull and pointless this movie is to point out it's half-baked 'serial killer' plot.  It's a pretense to explain why there's no actual action in 80% of the film.

After seventy-odd minutes, the plot comes to a head as the killer attacks our hero's wife...and just leaves.  It's time for a showdown...and more feet dragging...and The End.

Whoever wins, we're lost!  The plot of this movie is...wait, did I just call this a Plot?  It's a small part of a real plot stretched like goo to fill out 90 minutes.  A guy looking for his lost kids- it's a start.  It has to actually build to something though and really become something else.  It doesn't.  This movie is cheap, cheap, cheap.  Nothing happens, short of people wandering around and one guy in a Devil mask.  His role- a weird and cheap scare that goes nowhere.  The real threat is the killer, who has some cheap back-story about killing his kids and not getting caught...in this town of like 12 people.  Really?  The movie is Written, Directed, Produced, Co-Edited by and Starring Bill Cowell.  By the way, if you're the film's only Producer, there is no point in making yourself the Executive Producer too!  Bill Hinzman is proud of you, at least.  This movie is crap- boring, boring crap.  It has no relation to Dark Harvest- darn?- and just plain sucks.  Oh yeah, it has a sequel too...dammit.  Take it away, totally-natural lighting...

Next up, the other Dark Harvest film.  Is it a sequel to either film- nope!  Stay tuned...

Straw Death : Dark Night of the Scarecrow

Scarecrow films are either hit or miss.  Actually, that's a bit of a generalization.  In actuality, there are only a few good ones- Scarecrows being a highlight- and the rest are kind of shit.  In a lot of ways, the Made-for-TV movie is the same way.  There are some good ones...and then there is shit like The Langoliers.  Yeah, that one.  So what happens when these two combustible elements combine for one event?  The result is either a film that will be utter shit or one that will be inexplicably-good.  I wonder what this one will turn out to be.  The film stars a bunch of a character actors, so that's a good sign.  If the film is terrible, I can go 'hey, I know that guy.'  Interestingly enough, the film stars Larry Drake- aka 'Durant' from Darkman and Darkman II- as a very out-of-character guy.  Unfortunately, he did not take Robert Downey Jr's advice from Tropic Thunder, so this did very little for him.  Will it to do more for me?  Get out your highly-dangerous farm equipment for my review of...

The film begins with a young girl hanging out in a field with her best friend- a retarded man.  Yes, Larry Drake is playing a mentally-handicapped person.  Words fail me, gentlemen.  The pair hang out for a bit while some townsfolk talk about how they suspect that something bad will happen.  Well, it will with that attitude!  The pair wander around for a bit before a dog breaks through a fence and attacks her, despite Drake warning her not to.  The townspeople hear the bad news: the girl is dead.  The men in town (all four of them) form a group to catch him, while the guy flees.  He runs to his mother, who convinces him to play 'the hiding game.'  The men eventually find him dressed up like a scarecrow in the field.  They pretend to leave, but shoot him instead.  It's right then that they find out the truth: the girl didn't die.  Yeah, they just killed him for nothing.  They're put on a trial, but the judge finds a lack of evidence against them.  Evidently, nobody wanted to talk.  They escape punishment, which upsets both the mother of Drake and the town's D.A.  I suppose you only get so many murder cases in this town, so you have to make them count.

Time has gone by and the spectre of murder hangs over the men involved.  On top of that, the woman holds a grudge for them killing her son.  Oh yeah, the parents of the girl haven't told her that Drake is dead.  You may want to get on that eventually, folks!  The girl begins to talk to an off-screen person who she says is Drake.  Yeah, you're either crazy or in a horror film with no budget.  I think it's the latter.  One of the men is disturbed to find a scarecrow in the middle of his field, despite him having no crops out there.  I can't imagine that it's a good thing.  When he goes to show the others, it's not there.  The leader of the group makes a big 'to-do' about them not ever meeting up in person again.  One of them gets drunk that night and wanders around his barn when he hears a noise.  He ends up falling into his farm equipment and dies.  Who started it up though?  Who turned it off before the police arrive?  Don't look at me- it's that menacing figure in the shadows!  Another one of the guys sees the scarecrow in their field and freaks out.  With the recent death, I'm not sure that you're entirely-wrong to do so.  Of course, it won't help keep you alive.

With the other two acting very suspicious, the lead guy tries to keep them in line.  It probably doesn't help when another one of them gets killed, huh?  He begins to get worried himself and turns to the most likely suspect: the mother.  He confronts her in her home, only for her to die of a heart attack.  He covers the evidence by setting the house to blow up via an open gas line and a burner.  They don't blow up that dramatically, but whatever.  This movie's actually decent so far, so I'll try not to be picky.  With the mother dead and the third man dead- he's so important that his death is not shown- there is only one suspect to him: the little girl.  You may have reached bottom when you try to kill a little girl, fella.  He confronts her at a Halloween party, but gets stopped by a cop.  By the way, the most suspicious thing this guy does is never take off his Postman uniform- ever!  Do you at least wash it?  Seriously though, it all leads up to a big chase through a corn field involving the man and the girl.  He chases her until a thresher starts chasing him.  He runs right into a scarecrow and dies...because a pitchfork was out.  In the aftermath, the thing moves, revealing that Drake's spirit was in it.  The End.

This movie...is actually pretty good.  The plot is simple and effective: people do a bad thing and live to regret it.  As a made-for-TV film, it's all about atmosphere and characters.  In that regard, it's quite good.  I was kind of hoping for more horror and/or action though.  Once I realized what I was getting, I tried to embrace it.  As it is, it's a good effort.  While I still was left wanting more, I can't complain about what I actually got.  The acting is good overall, but some people tend to shine more.  Drake is not bad in his role- I just can't see him as anything other than Durant.  Mind you, this film pre-dates the Darkman series by a good ten years, so it's not their fault.  If you understand that you're not getting a real horror film and can accept that, check this movie out.  As a film, it's far better than crap like Dark Harvest or The Messengers 2.  Of course, so is an hour of Chinese water torture while listening to the cast of Glee cover songs non-stop.  So yeah, give this one a look.

Up next, the fourth part of Lamberto Bava's made-for-TV horror films gets reviewed.  On the plus side, it has no Ogres, Grim Reapers or Zombie Dads.  Stay tuned...

Straw Deaths: Scarecrow Gone Wild

More scarecrow films are out there, people! Believe it or not, this strange sub-genre continues to thrive. Yeah, I don't get it either. In spite of my feelings, there is another series of these movies to cover- the Scarecrow series. I know, creativity abounds, right? There are three of these movies including Scarecrow (yawn), Scarecrow Slayer (Metal meets straw?) and today's film. Yes, I chose to do the third film last, because, well, it sounded funnier. It has a revenge plot, scarecrow possession and former wrestler/UFC fighter Ken Shamrock trying to act. Curious now? Read on to my review of...

The film begins with a long scene of a woman running in a field from a scarecrow killer. Any more setup than that? Nope. We also don't have to wait long for Ed Wood-style gaffes as the woman starts to climb up a hay pile in mid-morning, only to jump from a shot of her doing it near sunset. Either she is slow or this movie sucks- guess which one I believe! After all the running, the monster cuts her throat and we reveal...that it was all a story by some jocks who have 'fresh meat' for initiation. This scene gets a bit homoerotic as the new guys are in their underwear and in the shower room surrounded by other guys. Thankfully, Ken Shamrock and his wooden acting break up this scene and he threatens the team leaders about not going through an initiation. One of them promises that they won't, but the others are not exactly on-board with this. The good one makes/entices his friend to come along with the promise of a girl, whom he promptly goes off with. By the nice one, I mean it in a relative way. By the way, watch for the girl's extremely-visible mic attachment in one scene.

We are spared much of the initiation (thank God), but cut to when the guy our hero made come along spazzes out and attacks the guys- not that he is lacking for a reason. They tie him to the same cross from the story and leave. We cut to our hero and the girl having sex, although you only see enough to know that you are going to see nothing. Did that make sense at all? The jocks head to the beach and send the 'fresh meat' to go get him. While they head there, he seemingly dies and gets possessed by the scarecrow that he was tied to (it was on the cross as well). They get there, but get picked off one-by-one by the monster. Yeah, kill them for...being tortured as much as you and trying to help you later. The morals here are as ambiguous as Creepshow 3! The guys make a call to our hero before they die, which sends him and the lady out to get him. The movie cuts drastically from real light (read: almost none) to a dramatic spotlight. In the wake of film's like Feast III, I appreciate being able to see things, but not when it is so badly-done. Our hero explains that the guy is a diabetic and has gone into shock. They take him to a hospital run by the girl's dad, which is apparently under dramatic construction. More killings please.

The movie makes us wait for our killings, but, when they come, they come in quick succession. First, we get lots of character work with our jocks and their ladies. One of them got drunk one night with one of the girls while his girlfriend was away. This leads to a lot of *sigh* teen angst...even though our cast is in their 20s. Oh and one of them appears topless a couple of times for no reason (I did not vid-cap that, sorry). As more time-filler, we get a sub-plot with one of the guys being a songwriter, one with people talking about how they can't tell the girl about the affair and a volleyball game montage. Our heroes show up and berate the jocks, but lose all indignity when it's revealed that they hid the guy's Diabetes from everyone. Everyone starts to get along until the affair is revealed and the couples goes off to fight/talk. Both of them are killed by the scarecrow (one off-screen- dammit) and the girl who is guilty goes down a short while later (mostly off-screen). The guys get all happy and watch one of them sing his song. As soon as he finishes, the Scarecrow gives his review via a pole (the one for the volleyball net) tossed through the man's chest! The lone black guy dies after being vaguely choked as everyone else runs off.

They run into the coach (I have skipped his non-interesting scenes in the summary) who explains that the Scarecrow curse actually started with him and his friends at the school years ago. Nobody can escape it, he explains, which is why it ignored him for 20 years! He shows off his MMA-style briefly before being choked out with a sleeper hold- really! They search for his car and flag down a passing truck, only for it to actually be driven by the Scarecrow! He runs down the other girl and we get our second 'dramatic spotlight in the dark' scene. At the hospital, they try to save their friend from his coma, thinking that it will end the curse. After some so-so action, they shock the monster with a defibrillator, which actually means that they are zapping their friend. He wakes up and the monster dies. Oh wait, they need to do it again. Stupid movie tease! We get our oddly-happy ending as the Coach did not actually die, merely got knocked out. Stupid monster or stupid writing- you decide! The End...

What do you mean 'there's more?!?' They keep going until they reveal that the Scarecrow spirit is still in the young man. They do this by showing him looking at his reflection in the mirror and seeing the beast. He kills the dumb jock (on-screen) and the Coach (off-screen). Our heroes figure this out when they see him in the mirror and see the monster reflection. That's not how it should work! He chases our heroes to a Chapel (must be a Christian college) where he battles with our male lead. This would be an easy fight if it were not for our villain developing- I kid you not- electrical powers. Apparently, defibrillators do that to everyone! He reverses the curse, sees that he has the monster reflection and impales his heart on a nearby cross. Hurray- the movie is over. Right? The End.

This movie is bad for so many reasons. The writing is stupid, the direction is tepid and it is just uninspired. They just combined the ghost killer with the scarecrow movie and a possession story. That's not even talking about the weirdly tacked-on ending. The result of this is a really weird Chapter selection. The movie is put into 8 Chapters, one of which is the closing credits! Chapter 7 is nearly half an hour, so as not to reveal the third act surprise! This is not still not mentioning things that I left out. For example, Gone Wild has three topless scenes. The first two involve the dad's new girlfriend and the latter was already addressed. First, she walks in on the phone call to made before the trip with no top on. When he gets called that night, she is topless in bed with him. This served what purpose again?!? The most fun you will have is with the stupid effects (especially the lightning one above) and the ironic things about when it was made (2004). Have you ever seen Ken Shamrock and a blue iMac in one room? You have now.

Next up, another H.G. Lewis classic involving murder, strippers and some odd fourth-wall breaking. Stay tuned...

Straw Deaths: Dark Harvest

Are you scared of inanimate objects? Do you find straw scary? Do you think that farms are the root of all evil? If so, you are the perfect recipient of a nearly-forgotten sub-genre of Scarecrow Horror films. This all goes back to 1987's Scarecrows, an interesting little horror gem that I reviewed back in June. I watched this movie a while ago, but put off reviewing for a simple reason: there are three of these. I felt weird only reviewing one of them, since the other two sounded utterly hideous. However, there was a brief spike in the genre with Messengers 2: The Scarecrow. While I still have not seen the sequels, I will buckle down and review...

Dark Harvest

Our story begins with a bunch of random killings on a farm. Okay, that's an interesting way to start a film. We also get the first glimpse of the film's super-low production values with the bad film stock and crappy blood work. Bad blood effects in a horror movie- oh, joy. Basically, this farmer has used his dead slaves as scarecrows, killed the guy who found out and was subsequently killed by the police. We abruptly cut to a small claims office where a young man and his girlfriend are collecting a claim from an old uncle. He inherits a farm and decides to go check it out. Dun dun dun! His girlfriend wants them to take all of his friends, but he is wary of it. Why? A pair of them are lesbians and he does not get along with them. He's not a biggot- so he claims- but he just does not particularly like one of them. Of course, they all end up going and end up in the middle of nowhere. They find the old place and it is not exactly the Hilton. Then again, it is dirty and barely suitable for human life, so maybe it's...nah, I won't go there.

*

One night goes by without a single killing. Instead, we get drunken chatter and pointless padding. It is supposed to make them fleshed out characters, but it is frankly just dull. The only upside is a scene where the lead goes to get ice and runs into a mysterious woman. She is supposed to look eerie, although a long-shot shows that her skin tone is due to make-up that stops right at her neck. Good shot, guys. He learns the next day that she was apparently a ghost or something (they never really say). Him and his black friend (not to be confused with Stephen Colbert's) go down to the lake to find...some random nudity. Yes, this abruptly you get to see the man's girlfriend and all three of the other women either topless or doing full-frontal. Why? Do you need a reason? Unfortunately, this scene ends abruptly as well and that is all we get in the nudity department. Finally, we get some killing as the scarecrows go on the attack! We get a couple of them on screen, but this movie has a love for not showing you the gore. Bastards!

*

Our heroes hide out in the house, but that proves to be barely safe as one of them get stabbed through the door. Gee, I thought that the wooden thing would stop the blade! Another girl goes down as they scramble out the door. Of course, the film does not show the blade go in or anything. Two of them get strung up in the field on the pillars that previously held the villainous monsters. Oddly, one of them is dead, but the other is left alive. She struggles to free herself, which proves to be tricky with the barbed wire around her wrists. Meanwhile, the lead girl helps the wounded black man into the barn and goes off for help. She comes back a little later to find him dead! Wow, another off-camera death- thanks. She meets up with one of the few surviving women and explains the whole thing, only to be dragged off-camera and killed. Okay, this is getting old. It's not being dramatic or clever- it's just lazy. A pair of them make it to the car and meet the woman who was strung up, but the latter dies. After killing two of the monsters, our hero gets trapped and cornered, but saved by the woman (not his lady) who sends a really fake fireball effect at the monster. The End? No, the movie actually ends with Outtakes and Bloopers that just run after the credits with no lead-in. O-kay. Now? The End.

*

This movie is just bad, plain and simple. It's production values were so low that I thought it was made in the 1990s! Apparently, it was made in 2003, despite their crappy film-stock. Do I even need to comment on the acting? The three Scarecrow killers are played by two men in bad masks and overalls. Gee, those clothes held up really well for over 40 years of non-care too. Just look at these guys in comparison to the ones from 1988's Scarecrows and you will have a good laugh. The gore is laughable and barely-displayed. On the positive side, they covered their lack of quality with photography. On the negative side, they keep killing people off-screen! I know I might be harping on this, but it is a big blight in a horror film about death and murder. Fail. What makes it even funnier is how the people behind it are adamant about their film NOT being related to Dark Harvest 2 or 3. Way to take a stand, idiots.

*

Up next, a pair of film directors try to spice up a horror classic. Just to note: these do not involve as much singing as you would expect. Stay tuned...

'80s Trash?: Scarecrows (UPDATED)

One could argue that the Scarecrow sub-genre of films derived from the unintentional derived from the titular character's appearance in Return to Oz.  I prefer to think that it comes from this gem...

Oddly, the film begins with what would probably be the biggest budget aspect already having happened. While thrifty, it feels a bit lazy. Basically, a bunch of ex-military dudes robbed an army surplus, kidnapped a pilot (with daughter in tow) and are making their escape. 

Unfortunately, one of them heeds Steve Miller's advice and 'takes the money and runs.' This does not bode well for him as the others follow suit and land at the nearby farm.

Things tend to go pretty bad pretty quick. As the criminals wander around the place looking for the man, they choose to ignore the creepy scarecrows.  Good call. 

One of them gets grabbed and killed, driving the bad guys crazy.  Oh good, their former member shows up at the door. 

 But wait, where's the money? Oh, it's...stuffed inside his chest like a scarecrow. Eww.  But wait, how did he walk all the way there like that and only fall over dead when they let him in? What's that, movie? You never plan to tell us? Okay then.

More suspense and killing are on the menu. Let's also not forget all the cursing and in-fighting as well. You get plenty of that between the gore scenes. I hope you can get used to it. Oddly, the scarecrows are far more tactical and smart than the former military personnel. By the way, how do they communicate again? Right, you still won't tell us. 

They give you a small story about a demonic possession of the area, but that is pretty much it. Fortunately, the gore is distracting enough. The whole thing ends simple enough with a climax involving a plane, some scarecrows and a grenade. The End.

Your feelings on this movie are entirely hinged upon your ability to ignore certain things. First, the fact that this is a fairly-strange rip-off of the Aliens formula. While this is not uncommon, it is sort of noticeable here. Secondly, the film pretty much never explains the monsters, how they work or why. All you get is: don't go to this farm or they will kill you. They're not moral crusaders either, since they try to kill the Captain and his Daughter too. (UPDATE: They're basically proto-Rage Ghosts)  They are just an unnatural force of nature- think about that one for a while.  For simple pulp value, it is certainly fun and passable.  It is strong on atmosphere, solid when it comes to practical FX gore and light on answers.  It also gets some retroactive bonus points for seeming to inspire a certain Team Fortress Character...

*** I can't be the only one to see this, right? ***

Next up, it is time to jump into...the 3rd Dimension. Stay tuned...