Tubi Thursday: Jurassic Reborn (2025)

 Let's jump from Fox/Disney properties over to Universal ones.

When we got Jurassic World: Rebirth in Theaters, we got this at home...

On an Island somewhere, people started making baby Raptors- as you do.

They grew too fast, however, because something something Science and now everyone needs to escape.

Our Heroes must flee from usually-off-camera Raptors to get outside and then- hopefully- to the mainland.

En route is the bad guy- Adam Baldwin- and he's here to collect the Dinosaurs.

Since they never did it for their Jurassic World 1 rip-off, he's going to sell them as weapons.

Please enjoy the one docked boat they Film in front of.

Our Heroes get split up and we learn that one of them is a traitor, selling them out to Baldwin.

It's the guy here, which is different from Jurassic World: Rebirth...

...since that guy WAS the main Villain (aka Baldwin), but also went on the Island and dressed nearly identical.

This is what happens when you see a Trailer and go 'Make that, but cheaper!'

On the plus side, their lone Raptor model looks good.

Can our Heroes escape the Island?
How likely is it that Baldwin gets eaten?

Will they introduce a 2nd kind of Dinosaur?

To find out, stream it now.

They are up to 12 feet long, depending on the Scene.

A pretty so-so affair, but at least it's not false advertising.

Obviously, any fan of The Asylum (or at least someone like me) knows that they can do CGI Dinosaurs with relative ease, so no need to cheat.

The Plot is pretty basic and it does the same few tricks over and over again.

Imply Raptors behind doors/around corners (because CGI ain't cheap).
Cut from Actors to full CGI shot of somewhere and hope that we think that they are connected.
Raptors that only slowly walk up or leap at you.

Melodrama milked by having people left behind/sacrificing themselves.

Was Rebirth a great Film?  Not really, but I don't hate it either.
Is Reborn a great Film?  Objectively no, but it's so middle of the road that it doesn't stand out.

It's pretty average and the kind of Film that would just film its Actors in, say, The Asylum's Parking Lot and hope that you don't notice.

Why does the Secret Lab have paved spots and Reserved Parking Signs?

A Film that isn't great, but does give you what you'd expect.  If you're expecting anything amazing or unique, go elsewhere.

Tubi Thursday: Predator - Wastelands

 It's Mockbuster Month over on Tubi Thursdays this September.
Heaven help the idiot who came up with this idea!

To start us off, here's The Asylum's...

I guess you can't copyright 'Predator,' eh Mr. Hansen.

A Not Predator (called Alien Predator in Subtitles) lands on a strange Planet.

It's definitely not just the California Desert.

A maligned group of people- all 4 of them- live under the thumb of a bad guy.

The NP kills two bad guys, but is wounded.

The villain- Baywatch's David Chokachi- is mining gems that, you'll never guess this, also power the NP's weapons/gear.

He's a bad guy and spends as much time as possible in the singular Cave Set.

The NP eventually steps into action once again to save them, as the crystals revive/heal him.

And so begins his gradual journey to help them...sometimes.

Unlike the Film they copy, this creature never talks until the very end, so we have zero connection to this mute giant in foam rubber.

Big finale time and the NP takes off it's helmet/mask for what I can only assume is the Trailer's money shot.

It defeats the bad guys and decides that it has found a new Home.

Also, this is Earth.  It's not important to anything, but yeah, it's Earth.

The End.

A Film that definitely tries to be something bigger than it really can be.

I have a theory that The Asylum makes a Script in 3 Parts.

1) Write Script
2) Realize it is too expensive to Film
3) Cut every corner and hope it still delivers

All of this is on display as we get copy-paste minions for group shots, some possibly AI imagery, talk of a Resistance Uprising...that turns out to be 2 people.

Hell, we never see any of the Villages that 'dot the land' until one random shot of (seemingly) AI people for like 2 seconds.

They do have a decent Story, Chokachi is fun to watch as he often overacts Nic Cage-style and they have some good effects.

If they could just make them all come together at some point, I'd be happy.
Unlike this guy, who just realized that you ripped of his Trailer Shot for your own...

A Film that is not truly terrible, but it kind of drags.  There are decent ideas and people behind the Scenes...that just can't make it more than a so-so affair.

Shudder Day: Exit 8 (2025/6)

Liminal Horror.
Do you need to Google what that means?

When you're done, check out the one that is NOT Backrooms.

This, instead, is...

An unnamed man rides the Tokyo Subway, ignoring bad behavior by those along the way.

He goes to meet his Girlfriend at the Hospital and just needs to take Exit 8.

A simple task.

One long hallway.
A Corner.
Exit...1?

As he soon figures out, he's stuck in a Loop known as Exit 8.

He has to go back if there are anomalies (like a sign changed) or keep going if things are normal.

Easier said than done though.

Things get creepier as time goes on.

The Film also sometimes switches focus to the other people we sometimes see like The Walking Man.

As things get worse and quite strange, can the Unknown Man learn more about himself and why he ended up in this place.

With a kid in peril, can he rise to the occasion?

Can he regain his future?

To find out, stream it now.

A Film that has a thin premise and tries to make the most of it.

If you don't know and didn't Google it first, Liminal Horror is about people being trapped in spaces with no end, usually in the form of a loop.

This one is shiny and not yellow, which is a plus.

The early parts of the Film are going to be what hopefully hook you.  As things go on, the sense of familiarity works with and against the Film.

There are occasional glimpses of other locations- for reasons I won't SPOIL- so they clearly knew that this was a potential issue.

If you stick with the middle parts, the Ending will definitely hook you and feel satisfying.
Just be on the lookout for moments that make you react like this...

A Film with a great premise that is, admittedly, difficult to adapt into a Film.  I think that it mostly succeeds and will live on in my memory for a while.

Streaming Standard: Five Nights at Freddy's 2 (2025)

 I only know the Games based on YT Videos and reputation.
I wasn't wowed by the first Film.

So how do I feel about the Sequel?

Let's find out...

As a reminder, a bunch of kid ghosts were trapped in animatronics not at all based on Rockafire Explosion.

They turned on their captor- Matthew Lillard- but the events haunted those affected by it.

About 2 years later, the girl at the center of it- Abby- wants to save the spirits in the machines, but her older brother Mike won't do it.

She eventually runs away to the Restaurant (somehow still not demolished) and gets a device to 'talk' to Freddy Fazbear.

A bit later, a bunch of random dead meats go to a SECOND Freddy's location.
Yes, there was another one like 4 miles away the whole time.  Duh.

McKenna Grace runs afoul of an especially dangerous and new animatronic with a backstory laid out in the Cold Open. 

The new one- Marionette- is possessed by the spirit of a DIFFERENT kid spirit (think of it like a Japanese Rage Ghost) and is mad at Emily for the sins of her and her Father.

Speaking of her Dad, Lillard appears in random flashbacks/dreams throughout.

Abby has an ongoing issue with her Teacher- Wayne Knight- and he runs afoul of Toy Chica, the definitely evil version of the animatronic from the other Restaurant.

Can you name a Film in which Wayne survives?  I can't.

The Marionette wants Emily dead.

The Toy Animatronics want everyone dead.

Who will win?
Will this actually do more than just set up a third Film?

To find out, stream it now.

A bigger, bolder...but not better Sequel.

Positives first.
The Animatronics look great, courtesy of the Henson Company.
Really impressive stuff- no question.

There are some good visuals overall here.

That said, the Plot really dives into the convoluted lore of FNAF, thanks to its Creator writing the Script.
We've got two sets of Animatronics, a Marionette, a brand-new villain, a 2nd restaurant that was somehow always there, a Fazz Festival that never pays off and more.

Furthermore, these big, metal robots can shake the floor with each step...or be deathly silent when the Plot demands it (see image below).  Sure!

I watched this only a few days ago and I'm already struggling to remember huge chunks of it.  The Film also features random guests as Voice Actors that you can't even recognize.  Money well spent.

Oh and I didn't even mention the essentially pointless Cameo by Skeet Ulrich, part of two Films that nostalgia baited Scream fans.  The pair are never seen together.

If you're a fan of the Series and lore, you'll be able to ignore the nonsense- you're already all in.
For everyone else, you can watch it if you're really curious.

A Film that spent more money in many good ways.  Too bad they didn't make the Film for everyone and not just hardcore fans/theorists.

Rip-Off Cover Art: Beast of War (2025)

 This Australian Shark Film was fun.

I mentioned the connections between this Film and Jaws.

Well, someone selling the Film on DVD/etc. didn't think it was quite enough.

So that's how we got this...

Apologies for the low quality.

That's just the Shark from the Jaws Poster.

Come on, now!

FYI this is not a bootleg or anything (as far as I can tell).

This is the same picture (in slightly better quality) from a DVD release...

Has Copyright law changed without me finding out?

I don't think so...

Shudder Day: Beast of War (2025)

 As a fan of Sharks in Movies and an avid avoider of them in real life, these kinds of Movies speak to me.

Plus Netflix has a Shark Movie out, so why not finally get around to covering...

It is 1942 in Austalia.

A young man is training to be a Soldier in WW2, but is haunted by some past trauma.

Even so, he manages to bond with the group during the training.

This is going to be the best part of their...

...and their boat was sunk, many were killed and the survivors are stranded in the ocean on a makeshift raft.

Man, War really is hell, eh?

Oh and there's a shark hanging around too.

Yes, this is 'inspired' by real events.
That's a nice, catch-all term that somehow implies that Movies like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre happened for real.

Can the stranded soldiers work together to take out the beast?

Will the rigors of simply trying to survive be the end of them?

Did I seriously make it through this whole summary without mentioning Vegemite?

To find out the answer to 2 of those questions, stream it now.

A Film that aims to be one thing and it does it pretty darn well!

This one is not epic in scope.
This one is not about big battles.

Instead, the Film (80% of it really) is about how these guys survive (or not) together in this insanely trying time!

The whole thing was shot in a giant water tank and lit so that you never see the edges.  Good, simple stuff.

The Shark appears minimally in the grand scheme of things, but that also means that you never get used to it.  As opposed to one of the 705 Syfy Channel Shark Films where it pops up every few minutes in all of its (usually bad) CGI glory.

It is funny how things go in circles though.  This Film is clearly inspired in many (good) ways by Jaws and also claims to be 'inspired by' the events retold by Quint in Jaws.

Beast of War is an engaging and pretty tight 80ish minute Film.  Watch it for its own merits and don't expect, say, what this Fake AI Trailer Image implies...

That's just Mega Shark, guys!

A Film that makes great use of a simple premise and limited locations.  A worthy homage to Jaws and other Films like that.

Shudder Day: Deathstalker (2025)

 Due to the Holiday and work, this one is late.

That said, I waited Decades for a new Deathstalker, so this is nothing...

This is Deathstalker (Daniel Bernhardt).

He takes an amulet from a dying man and gets dragged into a quest (of mostly self-preservation).

He teams up with a Wizard named Doodad (voiced by Patton Oswalt) who can translate the runes.

Familiar, this shot is.

It wouldn't be a Deathstalker Film without a Pigman.

This one is- sadly- not Stock Footage from the 1st Film, unlike his appearance in the other 3 Films.

Our Hero is beset by many assassins and creatures since the Amulet is this Film's magical MacGuffin.

A slew of crazy creatures and effects- this is definitely from the Director of Psycho Goreman!

Twists and turns.

Freaky monsters.

What else will Deathstalker face?

Is he up to the task of stopping the evil that threatens the Kingdom?

Can he even survive this?

To find out, stream this one now!

A fun and crazy Film in all of the right ways.

If you don't know, I've definitely become a fan of Steven Kostanski in recent years.  Frankie Freako was fun.  Psycho Goreman was a worthy (if not intentional) follow-up to The Guyver.

Oh, and full disclosure, I was part of the Kickstarter on this one.  I have the Digital Matte Paintings to prove it.

This Film works because it gives you everything you hope for in a Film like Deathstalker.  Crazy Monsters, a gruff (and buff) hero, a Wizard or two.

There are clear homages to Films of the Genre and even fringe ones like Conquest or Army of Darkness here.

Was it made cheaply?  Relatively.  Do they redress/reuse Sets?  Obviously.
Do I care?  Hell no!

If you're a fan of the OG Series or just like his other, bloody Films, check this one out!

A fun homage to Sword and Sorcery with modern effects.  It's no Fantasy Epic, but it is a bloody good time!

Streaming Standard: Anaconda (2025)

 A META Sequel to a dead Franchise?
A killer snake Film?

It's on Netflix (at time of writing) and I had a free evening, so let's do this!

A group of friends reunite later in life.

They all had dreams of making Movies.

Rudd- a flailing Actor- pitches the idea that they do a Remake of their favorite Film- Anaconda- since he got the rights.

So, we get a soft mix of Be Kind Rewind (who was the Lead in that again) and Anaconda.

The group make their Film, but are unknowingly dragged into the middle of a B-Plot over some stolen gold.

Their attempt to make the Film is aided by the fact that they hired a (somewhat crazy) guy who owns an actual Anaconda.

They shoot a bunch of footage with it before tragedy strikes.
Naturally, they put all of this in the Trailer (and more).

Tensions arise after that and, naturally, a giant anaconda is also nearby.

Rudd- on the outs with the group- sees the carnage and has to warn everyone!

The snake attacks everyone and they have to make a run for it.

I won't SPOIL why Jack has a pig on his back (unless you watched the Trailer), but I will say that they must take out the creature before any other lives are lost.

Can they?

To find out, stream it now...

It is honestly better than I was expecting it to be.

To be fair, this was a Film that I saw promoted in the Months leading up to December and never went to see in a Theater.  So, my standard for this was not super high- just to be clear.

With that out of the way, I did kind of really like this one.

Everyone in the Film is likable as an Actor and as a Character.

To his credit, Jack Black does let the quieter moments be just that.  You still get usual schtick, but it is not constant.

Thandiwe Newton was also good here, giving this Film some gravitas, while still leaning into the jokes.

The Effects are good here.  Nothing groundbreaking, but good.

The META nature of the Plot will either sell this one to you as something different or sour you if you just want another killer snake Film.

Either way, it is far better than the Fake AI Trailer Images suggest. 

A pretty fun Film that can hit you in the feels when it wants to.  It is still a META Sequel, so your mileage may vary.