Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Slaughter in San Francisco

Long before the Chuck Norris Facts Meme came into play, the folks over in China were on the ball!

I gotta be honest- I totally want this Poster!  Love it!

This is one of Chuck's less notable Films, but you wouldn't know it from the Poster.  Hell, the least silly thing is the fact that the Sun is burning out in the background.

Wait- did Chuck Norris punch the Sun?  Is it bleeding?!?

Terror Week: Hero and the Terror

Chuck Norris can star in Canon Films and still be bad-ass.  Today's film is Hero and the Terror, a Canon vehicle for the Black-Belt.  It's a star-studded cast...at least to me.  Aside from Norris, the villain is Jack O'Halloran (aka Non from Superman II), Billy Drago, Ron O'Neal (from Superfly) and Steve James (from American Ninja 1-3).  I'm in C-List Movie Star Heaven!  The plot involves Norris' Cop bringing down O'Halloran's killer (Simon Moon) and becoming a Hero.  The man/creature escapes years later & it's up to our hero to stop him again.  The problem- he got lucky the last time.  Can he stop a menacing killer that the Police won't acknowledge is even alive?  It's Chuck Norris- obviously he will.  To see how it all breaks down, read on...

In the opening scene, Norris has a rough time dealing with the hulking Simon Moon.  In a rare, artistic touch, this scene is played out in a dream-like fashion.

Can you stare down that face?

Well, Chuck Norris can.  He manages to get lucky and take the guy down.   Things look up for him, even if he doesn't like the 'Hero' name that he now has.

However, in a scene that's begging for a Mythbusters test, he saws the bars of his cell with dental flosses covered in some sort of silt.  I really, really question this.

His escape does not go smoothly, however, as he crashes the van he's escaping in and seemingly dies.  The movie never explains how he survived, but whatever.

While Moon kills people, let me focus on the amusing casting choices here.  First up, Steve James as a partner of Norris.  He's great here, but doesn't do much.  Boo.

Renegade's Branscombe Richmond (the Indian guy) shows up as a sarcastic crook taken down by Norris.  It's not related to the plot, but it is hilarious.

If you want to see Norris crack jokes and jaws in one scene, it's worth it!

Lastly, genre Icon Billy Drago shows up for two scenes, but only one with dialog.  He's 'The Terror's' Psychiatrist and talks to Norris about his problems with 'Hero worship.'

Simon Moon has been hiding out in a newly-renovated Theater.  When Norris asks them to keep a Cop on duty, they pick James.  Sadly, he goes down without much of a fight.

How dare you kill 'The Master of Blades!!!'

All of this- including a sub-plot with Norris and his fiancee dealing with her pregnancy- is all a build up to Norris facing down The Terror once again.

Chuck Norris' tears can cure Cancer, but his kicks seem to only piss off this giant!

When in doubt, toss him through a plate glass ceiling and drop him four stories.  How this kills him and the exploding car didn't is beyond me.

In The End, Norris wins the day and gets married to his lady.  Hurray.

Norris can act?  In all honesty, this movie does some interesting things with its cast, even while keeping the formula all there.  The Norris formula for Canon was strong action, big villain and violent conclusion.  This film gives you all of that, including the tacked-on action scene.  They all have them- see for yourself.  The film does have more going on here though.  Norris' Cop doesn't feel like he's earned his 'Hero' status.  Likewise, he's facing his long-dormant fear of The Terror once he thinks that he's on the loose again.  He also has to deal with his emotional issues in regards to his future wife and her pregnancy.  Some people don't like the wife scenes, but I thought they were a nice touch.  Other than a pretentious cross-cutting between the baby's birth and James' death, they are genuinely-effective.  You can't complain about lack of depth in a Norris film- especially for Canon- and then complain when they add just that!  I will say it's odd that The Terror is your classic Horror Film 'Heavy,' but his kills are just neck-breaks.  The only blood you get is in the beginning, which is odd.  Regardless, this is a Norris film with more than meets the eye.  As a bonus, it ends on this oddly-creepy shot of Norris and the Priest...

Next up, I finally review my 3rd Project Terrible film.  I'll make sure that Dracula's Widow doesn't remarry!  Stay tuned...

Beard Power: Firewalker

Buddy comedies are a genre in and of themselves now, thanks to such pioneers as Eddie Murphy, Jackie Chan and Jay Leno (the star of Collision Course). Like pies, not all of them are made equally. This is the case when you try to force two people not known for comedy (intentional, at least) into a film that requires it. Some people are just made for this kind of thing (Owen Wilson) and some people are not (Luke Wilson). Now add in the fact that this was made in the mid-80s, a time when not everyone was thinking all that logically sometimes (i.e. The Safety Dance). Today's film is, to borrow some l33t lingo, is a fail as Epic as I have ever seen. It is...

Firewalker

Our story is about Chuck and Louis Gosset Jr. as treasure seekers who are looking for one last score. Like jewel thieve, you would think that they could just be happy with the penultimate one. They end up in a generic desert country, but run afoul of some trouble. They have to escape some cliched, low-budget deathtraps (just pick one and you'll probably see it). We get a silly little jeep chase and some low-budget crashing. So far, it's all 'been there, done that.' We are treated to some weird flashback footage of the titular character, a giant Indian man. I wonder if is going to play a bigger role in this movie.

*

The duo move on to South America to find a stash of ancient treasure. They run across a blond who has some helpful information on stuff. Unfortunately, the place is not exactly a nice place to visit, so some subterfuge is required. This leads to a scene that features Chuck Norris and Louis Gosset Jr. dressed as...priests? Is this real or did the acid finally kick in? Along with the woman (dressed as a nun), they partake in a series of chasing and action scenes. If you ever wanted to see Chuck Norris spin-kick people whilst dressed as a clergyman, you are in luck. They escape and end up in the clutches of...John Rhys-Davies as a gay military general. Listen movie, if you aren't going to try, then neither am I! At least you don't have a stupid plot thread with Gosset Jr. disappearing and Norris immediately figuring that he was eaten by an alligator, despite zero evidence. Bad movie, bad!

*

The 'comedy' of the film comes from silly stunts and stuntmen. Unfortunately, it looks all too real when Norris-Gosset swing towards a ledge and the bearded wonder runs into it crotch-first. So much for being a good Republican and pumping out a ton of kids. The only real humor comes from the 'treasure' that looks like it belongs in a High School production of 'Treasure Island.' The ending fight with Chuck and the villain is pretty good, but it is far too late. I'll stick with Walker: Texas Ranger clips on Conan- thanks, though.

*

The worst kind of bad movies are bad dramas and bad comedies. This movie is one of the latter, saved only by a few good moments. Otherwise, it just hurts like a Coleman Francis movie, albeit with slightly-bigger budget. If your fetish is terrible cliches, this movie will be like ultra-porn (thank you, Futurama). There are some good movies with bad cliches in them. I would suggest you rent one of those instead.

*

Up next, a forgotten sequel starring Jet Li. What do you mean 'he is not in it?!?' He was in the original. Are you saying that I have to review...aw, crap. Stay tuned...

Beard Power: Hellbound

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep- he waits...to make bad 90s actions movies. The man behind Walker: Texas Ranger made a career thanks to the Canon/Globus conglomeration in the 1980s and continued this into the next decade. Towards the end of his epic run (I think Sidekicks did him in), he made this movie that involves the occult, some knights and Chuck heading to Israel. I smell an international incident coming! As a bonus, the film also includes a lady that would play a big role in Mr. Norris' television career. Without any more stalling, I bring you...

Hellbound

Our story begins with some knights riding around and trying to stop some Satanists. See- I told you about the openings. They ride in to stop an evil priest from doing some sort of vague ceremony to summon the devil or something. They kill him, but not before he vows revenge. He's not going to come back with a comet's return, is he? Sadly, the whole thing just involves killing some people, traveling to the promised land and using some sort of dagger. Not every film can be The Brainiac, I guess. The movie cuts to Chicago where Norris is a tough-talking cop with a black partner. Let me address two things: this is not Miami Vice and it is not his partner from Walker. I wish either of those was true. Instead, we get a Rabbi being killed by the priest from the beginning of the movie. Why? He needs to reassemble the Scepter for his big ceremony, but it was broken into nine pieces. Break out your Dragon Radars, kids!

*

Somehow, our heroes get funding to go on a trip to Israel- talk about Chicago politics run amok! Also, I did not mention this before, but Norris' character is named Frank Shatter. Words fail me. Once in the Holy Land, our characters drive around looking for clues. They are aided by a nice young woman who would later end up as Chuck's assistant/wife on Walker: Texas Ranger. He rewards her with a juicy part that involves being smart in one scene and being captured in the next. You can see what enticed her to the role, can't you? We get some 'comedy' scenes involving our duo not fitting in and not knowing how to pronounce certain words. I suppose you are wondering why I am barely talking about the actual plot by know. There is a reason: there is barely any.

*

The whole thing culminates in Chuck rushing to the rescue of his lady friend, who has been captured by the evil priest. He begins to do his ceremony, but our black clad hero (since Good Guys Wear Black) arrives. His partner, played by 'Terrence Trent D'arby,' does not really have much to do here. You know why? Because this is an Aaron Norris film, dammit! You know what is coming, don't you? The priest transforms via magic, Chuck does a dragon kick and good triumphs over evil. Hurray!

*

There is not a lot to say about this movie, to be honest. Like the Chuck Norris film billed as 'Norris vs. Jason Voorhes,' the hype is just too much. Did you really expect to see Norris fight Satan? What kind of douche-bag action star would have himself actually fight Satan? You had to know that this film would just be a series of scenes with Norris fighting people to bad synthesizer music, right? To be fair, the film is not without some merits. A little of the humor is actually good and the action is adequately-staged. The climax does not deliver to our unrealistic standards, but it works. If you can understand what the film really is, you may have some fun. Look at the bright side: it's not Firewalker.

*

Up next, a film that stars the men behind Forest Warrior and Supernova. At least it's not Firewalker. What's it called? Oh, God dam...um, stay tuned...

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This is now part of The Final Girl Film Club.  Check out her lovely site at http://finalgirl.blogspot.com/

Chuck Strikes Back!

This is for all of those 'Chuck Norris Facts.' If you mess with him, he will bust your balls like he did to this retarded (it's in the plot, people) redneck in "Breaker, Breaker."

Incidentally, this movie is interesting and cheap. My friends and I picked up it for about $5 at Wal-Mart. By this point, it's probably down to $2.

Basically, Chuck's brother is kidnapped by a super 'tourist trap' town and he goes in to rescue him. A whole convoy of trucks run over the Mayor while our hero fights the sheriff amidst random footage of a horse running around.

I don't get either.