Lock Me Up!: 6 Guns

It's kind of odd that there's only one of you.  Today's film is 6 Guns, the only Asylum Western.  To be fair, nearly ever major actor has appeared in a Western/film set in a Western time period.  Hell, even occasional actors like Jewel (Ride with the Devil) appear in them!  However, The Asylum has a pretty major track record with genre films of the Sci-Fi/Horror variety.  Why a Western?  Why only one?  I should mention that this film was Directed by Shane Van Dyke, an Asylum regular who loves to Act and Direct films at the same time.  When you can't do one job well, why do two at the same time?  In addition, his brother is playing the male lead- nepotism!  The plot is actually similar to an old Corman film called The Gunslinger.  Given the time difference, there's more blood, violence and a nice rape scene to really seal the deal.  Westerns are rarely 'classy,' but you guys went a step beyond!  To see if this movie is an anomaly in a good way or a bad way, read on...

A retired gunslinger/Sheriff lives a quiet life with his wife and two kids.  You just know that shit is going to go wrong!

Sure enough, the brother of a guy he killed long ago- played by Asylum regular Geoff Meed (Airline Disaster)- shows up with his posse, kills the kids, rapes the wife (as do the other members) and kills him.  One gang member is 'nice,' since he doesn't rape the wife and lets her live.

Time goes by and she becomes a famous drunk in town.  Good to know that nobody reported the crime at all!  There's the Old West and then there's just lazy writing!

The new Sheriff- Barry Van Dyke- is new in town and is there just in time to take over as the gang is on there way.  Ruh roh.

Greg Evigan is here playing...um, the Deputy, I guess.  He's not the original Sheriff- he dies- and he's not the new one, obviously.  Judging by this expression, he was already on the Sound Stage to film another movie and said 'Screw it- I need a new car!'

If this patch of land looks familiar, it's because you've seen any Asylum film ever.  Seriously, they've shot here for Alien vs. Hunter and Journey to the Center of the Earth (2-D), among others.

The gang comes to town and Evigan tries to play it cool.  As you can see, it doesn't end well.

Our heroine finally does something after begging and moaning for half of the film.  She does take out an equal  number of men to Van Dyke.  She also gets captured by the villain too & has to be saved.

Of course, then she also saves him so...um, confusing Feminism, I guess.

The Sheriff leaves to go after some robbers.  After basically blowing off our heroine, she goes off to chase them too.

Given her track record, she'll be dead in a week.  The End.

Well, it sure felt old-fashioned.  To be honest, this movie isn't terrible.  That said, it does very little to appeal itself.  That make sense to anyone?  It's a pretty 'meh' film really.  I should be fair and say that Westerns were never my favorite Genre.  Even so, I've seen good ones- like my recent viewing of Django- and know what a good one is.  This movie is so generic that, as previously stated, it's essentially a remake of The Gunslinger.  That film itself was pretty much a cash-in Western, just with a casting gimmick (a female gun fighter).  What it adds is a not-so-interesting hero's journey.  She goes from being a mother to a widow to a drunk and eventually a semi-competent gun fighter.  There's a whole lot of luck involved too, which kind of undermines the whole thing.  It's kind of intriguing as a curiosity piece, but that's about it.  In the forty-plus years since Corman's not-so-epic film, all that The Asylum added was melodrama and rape.  Progressive?  Speaking of which, way to film that back of the Back Lot- that totally matches the set!

Up next, a recent Asylum film featuring friend of the site Bill Oberst Jr.  Will his weirdly-awesome film elevate this film to be *gasp* good?  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: Transmorphers- Fall of Man

Abandon all hope- ye who enter this Prequel!  Seriously, what is the point of this Prequel?  I think it's just for the semi-pun in the title.  In case you need a History lesson, here's a quick one.  Transformers = Transmorphers.  There's a sequel- Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.  Transmorphers has a sequel now too- Transmorphers: Fall of Man.  See- it sounds like the other movie...if you're squinting and barely-literate.  Any questions?  No?  Good.  On the plus side, this film has Bruce Boxleitner.  On the negative side, it has that guy who Starred in and Directed Titanic II.  If you wanted to see how the world went to shit in the first film, read on...

In the intro, this lady blabs on her cell phone while driving.  After briefly being stopped by Boxleitner's Sheriff, she drives off...only for her phone to turn into a robot and give her a laser lobotomy!

Actor/Director Shane Van Dyke is here playing an Iraq Veteran/Cable Technician.  On the plus side, he didn't Direct this one...unlike Paranormal Entity, Titanic II and The Haunting in Salem.

He realizes something is up when he goes to fix his ex-girlfriend's cable...only for the Satellite Dish to turn into a Robot...and just stand there.  The Invasion...is on a loose schedule.

Finally, the Robots decide to attack...these four people.  Yeah, they're still not aiming all that high just yet.

Our random heroes- including a lady scientist, Boxleitner, Van Dyke and his girlfriend- rush into action at Edwards Air Force Base.  Re-used set from Ballistica- see that bridge?- and Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus?  Bonus!

The giant Legion...I mean, original robot has our friend's cornered.  Only the brave sacrifice of Boxleitner- who can suddenly fly Military Helicopters now- saves the day.

Well, that was a short film, but it could have been a lot worse...

Oh yeah, the world has gone to shit in Transmorphers, so this can't be over with.  What a pointless fake-out.

 Our heroes flee from the City, meeting back up with the Mayor who's only appeared once so far.  If you watched Battle OF Los Angeles, you'll recognize these ruins.

In The End, our heroes blow up a plant run by the robots.  The side-effect: the atmosphere is coated in poison gas.  That was your plan, huh?  All is not well, but the humans will fight!  The End.

This is a story for any other time, really.  To be honest, this film was not all that necessary.  For The Asylum, I get it.  Transformers made a lot of money, which probably helped them make a little bit of profit on Transmorphers.  They wouldn't let a cash-cow go un-milked, after all.  As a side-note: why is there no Asylum version of Twilight?  Not that I want to see that, but I can't believe that they're just letting that blockbuster franchise slip by un-ripped-off.  Back to this film...If I must.  I guess they kind of wrote themselves into a corner with the last film, so they had to go this route.  They could have just done like Paranormal Entity and followed it up with 8213: Gacy House...just because.  Instead, they shoe-horned this odd film into the series, which severely lacks drama right from the beginning.  They try to make it work, but we know how this ends.  As a bonus, none of the actors in Transmorphers appear in this film.  It could be that there is some 'vague amount of time-jumping' between the films, but this might have helped.  Hell, the lead guy from Transmorphers in place of Van Dyke would have really made more sense.  Am I asking for too much?  There is the usual amount of cheesy fun to be had here, be it from the acting or the bad CG effects.  Take us away, Base from Mega-Shark...

Next up, The Asylum adds the letter 'S' to a film title- subtle.  Will this film be Universal-ly bad?  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: Titanic 2

Are you laughing yet?  If so, you're approaching this film entirely the wrong way.  Yes, the people behind Alien vs. Hunter, The Da Vinci Treasure and The Day The Earth Stopped made a serious film.  It's still stupid as hell, but it's meant to be a real drama.  The plot is simple: a rich guy builds a model replica of the Titanic and sends it on the same course the original one went on.  Why?  Because it's the 100th Anniversary, of course.  You couldn't just build a statue or something?  Which 'star who should know better is along for the ride' (an Asylum tradition, of course)?  Bruce Davison, most notable to most people as the Senator from X-Men.  Given the quality of Asylum films featuring character actors named Bruce (i.e. King of the Lost World), things aren't looking good.  Just so you know: this is a 2010 film & there wills be SPOILERS.  Get out your Life Boats II for...

The film begins with some familiar shots of icy mountains in the Arctic Circle.  Yes, they re-used the opening title shot from both Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus and 2010: Moby Dick!  The Asylum re-using footage and locations- I'm shocked!  A guy goes surfing on the waves, but a chunk of glacier breaks off and the now-giant wave kills him.  We cut to the ship being sent out to sea, as part of a lavish ceremony.  Of course, we also get some random back-story shoehorned in.  Our heroine used to date the owner of the ship and her father (Davison) is always working.  The latter plot thread seems a bit silly when you consider that he works for the U.S. Government to help avert disasters!  'You missed my Recital to rescue people from a volcano eruption...you jerk!'  The trip goes off without a hitch as Davison is sent out to an iceberg to meet a scientist/plot point.  She's camped out on the iceberg to study how it will break apart soon.  That seems like a bad idea, doesn't it?  Of course, she signed to do an Asylum film, so bad ideas are commonplace for this lady!  Sure enough, the thing comes apart as Davison, the lady and the least lucky helicopter pilot ever flee.  The wave it creates is causing a tsunami...but the boat will be safe.  Unless, of course, it sends icebergs hurtling towards the ship.  Wait- why did I just say that unprovoked?

The ship is full of drama and that's even before the ice hits.  The rich guy wanders around with a quartet of random models.  They are later portrayed as sympathetic characters later, which is an odd thing to do for sure!  Finally, the iceberg hits and the ship starts shaking back and forth.  What's fun to do here?  The extras are either really good runner or trip on the stairs.  Watching the random models suddenly leading people around and giving helpful tips is nice too.  Everything else- meh.  Davison and the scientist spend the whole movie from this point on trying to get to the ship.  Way to use your biggest star as an Act Break between shitty CG effects!  The film makes a point about the ship having plenty of life boats, but this idea goes wrong in two ways.  One- they're life subs...because why not?!?  Two- the ice hits the ship and takes out half of them.  Way to learn from history, you ass-hats!  To make matters worse, another wave is coming...which will kill anyone in the boats.  You can't win for dying!

The film tries to make a lot of drama, but does anyone really care?  They make a big show about saving our heroine's best friend from the lab...but she dies later.  How?  An elevator door closes on her as our heroine tries to, splitting her in half.  The goofy part- the rich guy just walks through right after that with no trouble at all.  They end up trapped in a lower part of the ship with no way out.  Thankfully, Davison is there to save the day by...talking to her on a radio.  He gets them to the Scuba Room- they have one?- and our heroine puts on the only tank remaining.  The others were lost...or something.  The ship's owner has a brilliant plan to let himself freeze in the water, preserving him until he can be rescued.  Yeah, you're going to die.  Davison has his own brilliant plan: go onto the ship and bring her back.  Surprisingly, this works and they swim away before the ship sinks completely and blows up.  Yes, an explosion with that much gas in it is avoidable from so close.  They try to revive the owner, but, big shock, he's dead.  With that dark note, the movie ends with shots of them crying.  No, really.

I can't believe you're serious!  The plot of this movie is so basic that I find it hard to make fun of.  I mean, it's every freaking disaster film ever!  Of course, in Asylum tradition, the plot is stretched past the point of being ridiculous.  We can't have the killer wave alone- so let's have two!  The problem is that this movie is just not as fun as you would think.  I mean- it's freaking Titanic 2!  The stupid, animated film is ridiculous to the point of constant laughter, while The Asylum's film is dull!  How did a bunch of stupid, Italian people (no disrespect) get it 'right,' while you guys got it wrong.  The special effects are a joke- big shock.  Even those are not funny enough to really warrant more than a chuckle though.  The ridiculous events like mega-sharks attacking planes, Moby Dick leaping over a mountain or Tiffany starring in a motion-picture are not here.  You guys continue to find new ways to fail!  Why do I even bother with you?  Oh right- it's just so easy!  If you think that this film will be funny, you're mostly wrong.  If you think that this film will be go- okay, I couldn't even finish that sentence!

Next up, I finally tackle something from the After Dark Horrorfest.  This one features a vague monster, that chick from House of the Dead II and CHARLIE MUR-PHY!  Stay tuned...