Poor Bastards of Cinema: Critters 2 (Part 2)

This 80s classic brings us one more tale of a man whose only crime was being a nameless character in a horror film.

In the film's climax, the eponymous creatures morph into one solid ball of death and roll down the street in pursuit of our heroes.  As they reach a certain point, a crowd is rushing to help them.  When they see the giant fur ball, however, they all book it out of there.  One man is not so lucky and ends up being killed by the thing, his whole body being eaten in one roll-over.

Of course, the whole point of this is to show us that the thing would kill you, as if a 30-foot ball made out of voracious predators would do anything else!

Next up, a man is violently-killed in another dimension for the crime of doing his job.  As a bonus, this film is a comedy!  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Critters 2

For one reason or another, this one has been delayed for a while.  Let's not delay any further then...

In Critters 2, the Sheriff has retired (and been replaced with a different actor).  As such, a new Sheriff is tasked with his predecessor's Easter duties- dressing up like a Bunny!  To make matters worse, the eponymous creatures have shown up.

The man goes to use the bathroom, but this signals the tiny fur-balls to jump into his suit.  As he is bit over and over his body, he stumbles towards the church.  Somehow, he manages to leap through the window during the sermon and dies.

Why is he a Poor Bastard of Cinema?  Because he was never given a name!  When you want a death to matter, you at least take the time to name the guy!

Up next, another Poor Bastard from Critters 2.  It's an anonymous killing field out there!  Stay tuned...

Furry People: Critters 3- The Main Course

Well, we have reached the end point here.  After three movies, what else is there to tell about the critters?  Have they smashed up a farm?  Yes.  Have they rolled through town like a furry lawnmower?  Yes.  Have they 'invaded your space?'  Yes.  Well, my friends, the answer is simple: they're moving to the big city.  Yes, it appears that someone in Hollywood watched the film Delicatessen (both came out in 1991) and decided to make a similar film.  Mind you, one of them is the second sequel in a comedy/horror series, while the other is an abstract French film about a wacky apartment building.  Both films share a similar tone when it comes to the characters, however, which is the main point of comparison.  This movie is also the feature film debut of one Leondardo DiCaprio, the star of The Beach and The Quick and the Dead.  I think he was in some film about a boat or something too.  Considering that the fourth film featured Angela Basset a mere two years before her Oscar win proves that this series does not ruin the career of everyone involved in it, although it does for most.  Before it ruins mine, let's close out the series with...

The film begins with a single parent driving his two kids back home from vacation.  I'm already having Troll flashbacks, which is not a good sign!  After a flat tire, they pull over at a rest stop and the two kids wander off.  The young boy- who is played by twins- almost walks off into the woods when he is stopped by...Leonardo DiCaprio in the loudest shirt humanly possible.  By the way, everyone wears neon in this movie- get used to it.  About two minutes after telling the boy to not go down into the woods, Leo goes and the others follow.  All of a sudden, a man shoots out of the ground via a parachute.  I'm sorry, but A- you're ripping off the Killer Tomatoes movies and B- that's physically-impossible.  To further stretch logic, it turns out to Charlie (the farm hand) is lying out there, apparently looking for critters.  Hey, do you remember the end of Critters 2 where Charlie stays and becomes the Sheriff, finally bringing meaning to his life?  Well, screw that, apparently.  See you in the third act, screenwriter's brother!  The family comes back home to their big apartment building and meet all the wacky neighbors, including the nebbish older couple, the butch lady and the fat shut-in.  Thank you, cliches.

Unfortunately for our heroes, the titular monsters have shown up and make themselves at home.  This proves bad for the humans, who get attacked one-by-one.  We get a strange sub-plot involving Leo's dad trying to evict the people, only to get killed by them.   Yeah, it barely goes anywhere.  The quills show up again and help take out dad and the fat lady.  The action drags a bit as we have to deal with a sub-plot involving the girl not wanting to grow up so fast and their dad being away too much.  Blah blah, I don't care.  We get a mix of horror and comedy, although it tends to linger on comedy.  Like Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, it also features many long scenes that don't know when to quit.  Yes, I needed to watch everyone climb up the ladder, movie!  On top of that, the film is convinced with showing you the monsters being wacky.  Five minutes of them smashing up a kitchen, eating dish-washing liquid and playing with stoves- why not?!?  Charlie shows up to help save the day with his alien weaponry- that stuff lasts- but fails to kill all of them before they get to the roof.  One last critter comes back and launches himself Sonic-style at the kid.  Charlie dives in the way and saves the kid, but manages to live.  He runs away just in time to avoid the advances of the fat lady though.  All's well that end's well...

But wait, there's more!  During the credits, Charlie wanders down to the attic and discovers a hatch of eggs in the dryer.  See- because it's warm!  He goes to destroy them, but the image of the alien bounty hunter displays itself via a piece from it's ship.  It has the face of the rock star that it had in the first part of Critters 2.  So much for the ending with him having Charlie's face, I guess.  Anyhow, Charlie is told that he can't kill the last two eggs and that the proper steps must be taken.  To be continued....right here.

This movie is not as bad as the first one, but definitely not as good as the second one.  Mind you, that is a relative comment and meant only in respect how fun it is.  This movie has some good ideas, but drags at points where it should shine and does not deliver on what it could have.  There is a strong set-up for hijinks involving the wacky people and the monsters, but it is all just so generic.  I just can't help but feel for what could have been done with this premise.  Oh wait, I know what could have been- Delicatessen!

Next up, I return to The Asylum for a film that just begs to be ridiculed.  I know that sounds like all of their movies, but trust me here.  Stay tuned...

Furry People: Critters/Critters 2: The Main Course

Well, since I'm late about this, we get A DOUBLE FEATURE!  I hope that you're happy, because I sure am.

The Critters movies are not forefront in people's minds, although they were quite successful in their own time.  Looking back, not so many people care.  In spite of that, I am going to close out this series.  It's been nearly a year in the making, but let's find out just how we got to being in outer space via Critters 4.  I will say that the films do maintain a minor bit of continuity, although they barely cling to it like a car sliding down a building wall.  The movies are all built around the eponymous monsters wreaking havoc, although their powers and looks vary from film to film.  They always smash things up and eat people though.  Let's not stall any longer and burrow into...

Critters

The film begins in space, which actually sort of fitting.  Not that I think that they planned it at that way, mind you.  A mysterious group of aliens escape from a prison asteroid and head towards planet Earth.  You guys ever feel like hitting up Jupiter instead?  We literally just cleaned up after Nukie!  A pair of alien bounty hunters with wads of gum for heads are sent to retrieve them as the film cuts to Grover's Bend.  A farm family is living just fine out there, although the younger son and daughter fight and the couple's slightly-unintelligent helper is a bit weird.  We learn that the daughter is bringing company to dinner that night in the form of...Billy Zane with hair?  Well, you have to start somewhere!  The dad also has a big bowling tournament that night, in addition to all of the hijinks in town and the sheriff (M. Emmet Walsh) trying to keep order.  You don't care about that, though- you want to see the creatures.  Unfortunately, you don't 'see' a lot of them, although they are around.  After killing the deputy (see- I told you I was innocent of that!), they make it to the farm and kill Zane during a make-out session in the barn.  That will teach you!  The family is trapped after the things wreck the truck and cut the power.  They also have quills that they can shoot out, although the producers forget that randomly throughout the series.

The good news is that the bounty hunters are here to save the day- and they're packing heat!  The reason for their gumball heads is because they can morph their faces, leading to some odd comedy that is a bit overdone here.  It works better in the sequel, at least.  They smash up a lot of the town before even getting to the farm!  The critters themselves prove to be quite formidable, constantly attacking our heroes and taking out the parents with their quills.  The monsters can also merge into larger, deadlier critters.  The problem: you never really see it.  For all its faults, The Deadly Spawn managed to give you a human-sized creature on screen several times.  Fun fact: this movie came three years after that one!  The cavalry finally arrives and begins to...blow up the house.  Is that your idea of helping?  They do manage to kill most of the critters, although they get in their spaceship for back-up.  If you are wondering how they operate the controls, don't.  In the battle, the whole damn house gets blown up!  The next morning, the good aliens hit a button on a remote that causes the house to rebuild itself.  The dumb helper goes along with the aliens, figuring that he can find direction in his life too.  This happy ending is ruined by some sequel bait involving a group of eggs in the barn though.  Hurray.

The second film begins with a bit of retconning.  You see, in the ensuing years after the incident, the family moved out of the farm and to another town.  This was due to the son's claims of 'critters,' which brought a lot of bad notoriety to the town.  Around this time, the son is coming to visit his grandmother...who was not mentioned in the first movie at all.  Retcons for all!  An opportunistic loser takes the eggs from the barn and paints them in time for Easter.  In a bit of lazy movie science, the eggs hatch quickly due to being put near a hot pipe, since the cold of the air kept them unborn.  Yeah, I buy that!  Our young hero does not endear himself very well in town, even getting beaten up by a bully.  Things look up when he meets a girl from his school- not in Critters- and gets a whole romantic subplot set up.  When a couple of dead bodies show up, they go to see the sheriff...who is now played by Barry Corbin.  Did you think that we would not notice that, guys?  Anyhow, he retired...or something and won't help.  Fortunately, the wacky farm-hand and the aliens are here to, you guessed it, blow things up.  We get the face transformation gag again, but the farm-hand pulls out a Playboy in time to stop the alien from taking his face again.  That's...odd, movie.

Unfortunately for our heroes, the townsfolk are really hesitant to believe in the creatures.  Even when the new Sheriff's body crashes through the church window, they doubt the authenticity.  They show up to blow the crap out of the diner run by Eddie Deezen (WHY?!?), giving us lots of explosions and gooey stuff.  The monsters flee, but are hiding out in the city.  One of the two bounty hunters is killed off-screen, causing the male-ish one to freak out and lose his face.  All of the survivors are holed up in the church, but, thankfully, help arrives in the form of the old Sheriff, who just sort of decides to fight again.  Our heroes come up with a plan: lure the critters to a building (one filled with meat) and blow it up.  This works, thanks to the random intervention of the face-shifting alien.  Apparently he can turn into a critter too.  That...will never come up again, don't worry.  Unfortunately, enough critters survive to make a giant critter ball and rampage through town!  Our good heroes try to stop the ball with their truck, but don't make a dent in it.  Quick shout-out to the one guy who gets run over/eaten, by the way.  The farm-hand gets in the bounty hunters' ship and crashes it into the ball, killing both!  In the morning, however, he inexplicably shows up alive and decides to stay as the new Sheriff, while the alien takes his face.  Make note of these facts for later.  The End.

There is a major contrast between these two movies and it is hard to deal with.  The first film treats this whole thing as a serious effort to make real horror.  The second film embraces all the craziness and is a much more fun movie, even if it is not any smarter.  I laugh a bit at the Chiodo Brothers wanting a credit for creating the Critters Effects when you see so little of them.  As far as the second film goes, that is not the case.  Honestly, the first one is worth a rental, but if you are going to actually want to re-watch any of the films in the series I've covered thus far, it is Critters 2.  It is the film that the first one should have been, re-casting or not.  Why does this always seem to happen?  It is the exact same thing with Ghoulies and Ghoulies II.  If you can't make the fun, effects-filled movie you want, don't make one!  I can appreciate you getting a bigger budget, but just skimp on the bad stuff altogether!

Up next, I tackle the final piece in the Critters puzzle.  Do I get my big finish?  I sure hope so.  Stay tuned...

4th and Goal: Critters 4

We're just over halfway through. Must...survive...movies.

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Another series had been pushing its luck by trying to keep going. They had changed the setting three times and needed something fresh. When in doubt, go into space! This is the case with today's film...

Critters 4: They're Invading Your Space!

This title should tell you all you need to know, huh? Well, it is actually better than it sounds. Anyone who really likes sci-fi and cannot handle sub-par acting may not agree. That is certainly reasonable. But still, screw you anyways.

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The film starts off with the dorky hero of the first three films- he has Robert Englund Syndrome, I guess- getting stuck in a pod with the last two of the Critters. He gets frozen in hibernation for over fifty years. Holy Futurama, Batman! This is where he stays until the pod is opened. I wonder where this is going.Oh, right. Meanwhile, the pod is found by the crew of a salvage spaceship. The crew consists of a lecherous Captain, the black lady navigator, a drug addict, a questionable science expert and a kid. Yeah, a kid. Well, he's about 15, but still...really? I should mention that nobody on the ship are related to him. So he's on the ship...why?

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They call in a company, who is very happy to get the pod back. The tiny crew goes to a space station, which is oddly unmanned. They wander around while waiting for the boss to come. The captain has the good idea to open the pod. Yeah, he dies. The deaths come intermittently throughout, though the small cast plays against the idea of a big body count.

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All of this builds up to a strange third act. The boss comes back, complete with a group of guards right out of 'Fallout 3.' The scientist decides to yell at the evil businessman. Yeah, he dies. Our nice heroes trick the guards into being killed by the beasts. Hurray for moral ambiguity! All the monsters die and the villain dies too. The film ends with the kid, the un-frozen schmuck and the lady flying off to safety...until the idiot hits the controls. So they're dead now? I don't get it.

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This definitely could have been worse. Then again, so can Stage 2 Diabetes. I cannot wholeheartedly recommend the movie in all good conscience. Fortunately, I don't have one. Rent away, suckas!

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One more to go & it involves a demon. Who could it be? Oh, I don't know. Could it be...SATAN. Stay tuned...