Holiday Flix: Mil Mascaras in 'Macabre Legends of the Colony'

Vaya con dios, mi hombres!  That's enough Spanish from me.  Today's Film is Macabre Legends of the Colony, a 1974 Film featuring some Lucha Libre Legends (and El Fantasma Blanca).  Obscure Wrestler, burn!  As far as Wrestler/Luchador Films goes, this one is pretty obscure.  Yes, that is a high bar to clear.  With this Holiday approaching, I scoured a list of Luchador Films.  When my first 2 picks didn't pan out, this one won out.  Hurray!  The Plot involves a few Wrestlers, a cursed painting, a Witch and Spain.  Is this Mad Libs?  Oh right- none of them is 'penis' or 'fart'- it can't be Mad Libs!  Mil Mascaras is the big attraction here.  Is this Lucha Legend enough to sell you?  The Film is really silly and fun-sounding.  Why did it nearly put me to sleep then?  To find out, read on...

After 90 seconds of Credits and another minute of panning around the Shop, we get to see...

Okay, so they just wear those everywhere, I guess.  This is Tinieblas, a Luchador who buys a cursed painting.

Instead of seeing where that goes right away, we get Wrestling.

Look- I love Pro-Wrestling.  I watch it.  I review it.  I Podcast about it.

That said, this is TWENTY MINUTES right at the start of the Film.  I know nothing about anybody at this point, so...WTF Movie?!?!?

 ...anyways, we finally start the Plot again when our 3 Heroes (and 2 Dates...since Mascaras was married IRL) come home and the painting starts to smoke.

Yep, he bought it on the exact same day that the curse would happen (on a Full Moon, of course).  Movies!

The group are sent back to the 16th Century, which is when the painting was made.  Magic!

The whole thing revolves around this lady, an evil Witch.  She gets these awkward zoom-ins on her face that mean...nothing.

She kills people to bring her dead Mom back to life.  She looks silly as hell.

You know what this Film with both too little and too much Plot needs?  An interrupting Narrator that seems to predict the TV Cryptkeeper.

This guys pops up like 3 times since...um, I guess people can't follow this complex non-Plot.

Our Heroes hide right by the street and then in the Witch's House.  They somehow evade notice for a good 2/3 of the Film.  It is baffling.

They theorize that they must destroy the painting to go back...which seems wrong, right? 

'This magic crystal sent us to Hell- let's smash it to go home!'

There's ALOT of padding here, so I'll skip it.

There's some okay sword-fighting, a brief bit of Mascaras fighting (he's also the only one to lose his shirt in the Film), a B-Plot involving two Duelists and something involving bringing Mom back with a sacrifice.

Before Mil can job to a dagger-wielding bruja, the dates smash her with the painting...

...which sends them home.

There's an odd bit where they all go 'It must have been a dream'...while Mil is shirtless and with ropes on his wrist.  Did they think that he sleep escaped somewhere?

The Manager comes in (in the Morning?) and sends them to their next match...against three goons from earlier.  Huh?

It all ends with a pratfall and NO EXPLANATION.  The *huh...I'm awake!* End.

A surprisingly-dull Film.  As mentioned, this sounds *great* on Paper.  You have a bunch of wrestler like Mil and Tinieblas trying to act in a silly Plot- great.   The sad part- it is dreadfully-boring.  Where do I begin?  The Pacing is terrible, going from setup to long-ass match to slow build-up.  They don't follow the 'where are they now?' bit with much excitement or intrigue.  Our Heroes just kind of hide for a while, only stopping to fight some random Guards to help a guy they don't even know or have reason to.  I appreciate the bit of action at least.  When they finally try to help out or be proactive, they get pimp-slapped by Mom.  The visual of Tinieblas punching an 'old lady,' her no-selling it and then punching him down is hilarious.  It is even funnier when Mil- like a dick- tries to do it better and it also fails.  The gang then spends a big time locked up while they just observe the Plot through a window- no joke.  With like 10 minutes left, they finally get involved and...Mil just kind of gives up after a minute of fighting one goon.  The worst part of the Pacing is how it ends...then they chat...then we see them on the Bus for a good minute of nothing...and then FINALLY end with the silly fight.  Remakes get a fairly-undue bad rap, but I think Films like this need to be Remade- provided the goal isn't just to be silly.  It should be great.  It is boring.  The only upside is seeing this guy prove to be far too good at living up to his promises...

 ****

Next time, I can return to...The Grudge.  I just...fine, I'll do it already!  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Mil Mascaras vs. The Mummy (aka Mil Mascaras: Resurrection) {2007}

From Mexico with queso!  Today's Film is Mil Mascaras vs. The Mummy aka Mil mascaras: Resurrection, an Action-Horror-Sci-Fi Film from 2007.  Who is Mil Mascaras?  If you don't follow Pro-Wrestling, that's a fair question.  If you follow Pro-Wrestling, but don't know much about Lucha Libre, that's still a pretty fair question.  Mil Mascaras is a Legend in Mexico and a Legendary dick in America.  I can't speak for the incidents personally, but many Wrestlers like Mick Foley, Chris Jericho and others have talked about how he refuses to sell (act hurt) or take moves well.  His response is pretty much 'If you don't do it right, I won't pretend that you did.'  Fair enough...if it didn't happen so often.  Regardless, Mascaras is notable for being a Luchador and a Movie Star in Mexico.  His first Film came out in 1966, while this is the most recent one I can confirm.  This one comes to us from a regular Director of Sequels- Jeff Burr.  His works include Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3, Stepfather II, Pumpkinhead II and Puppet Master 4/5.  This is somehow *not* a Sequel, although it is based around the premise that everyone in the World knows Mil Mascaras.  This is some Steven Seagal-type stuff here!  Has he earned it though?  The Plot involves a whole mish-mash of previous Mexican and Luchador Film Tropes making this very much a 'love letter' to those Films.  A Mummy, evil Monks, Luchadors, a Temple and even a Robot show up.  Yes, a Robot!  Does this succeed at making me love these Films or just remind me of how silly they can be?  To find out, read on...

This is Mil Mascaras.  This is Mil Mascaras in a Scene where his Fiancee breaks up with him.

I should note that Mascaras was 65 when this was made and his lady was nowhere near that.

This is the Mummy.  He's evil and bilingual.  He wants to rule the World.

This is Mil's Dad...as shown by a vision in River.  He tells our Hero that he's special and Magic.  Why he's just now figuring this out at 65 is anyone's guess.

We later learn that his mask is magic and has 1,000 forms.  Yes, even his mask-changing has backstory!

Unrelated to the imminent threat of the Mummy, our Hero's Scientist friend has built a robot.

Mil investigates the theft of some blood (after wrestling a Tag Match, of course).  It is all part of the Mummy's plan.

Speaking of said Tag Match, it is being judged by Harley Race and PJ Soles.  So, of course, it ends in a pinfall (not counted by either).

Now fully aware of the threat, Mascaras is greeted by The President of the United States (as played by the late Richard Lynch).

Not only that, but he also briefs the Joint Chiefs of Staff!

While the Mummy builds up his power, he tries out numerous plots to kill Mascaras.  They include poisoning his food, siccing two Vampire Twins on him and replacing his next opponent with a demonic double.

None of this works, of course.

All of this builds up to a battle between the two forces.  Highlights include the Robot appearing (but not fighting the Mummy!), a bunch of Luchadors showing up to fight the Monks and the explosion of an ancient Mayan Temple.

Screw you, Paleontologists!  The End.

Silly fun, at least to a point.  Right off the bat, let me address the obvious- this is a bit of an ego piece.  Everyone loves and trust Mil Mascaras.  Everyone knows that he's the best!  He's the guy who trained The Most Interesting Man in the World!  To be fair, this is played with a little...but not much.  The President goes to him and tells the Joint Chiefs of Staff that 'Everyone here knows Mil Mascaras.'  Really?  On top of that, his Scientist friend (who I'm pretty sure is younger than Mil!) tell him that he's the best person for his Daughter.  I feel like I want to throw up in my mask a little right now.  Putting that said, Mil Mascaras vs. The Mummy is a silly Film with Action, bizarre moments and some cheesy laughs.  It is not meant to be taken seriously.  At its best, it is a series of Scenes that remind people like me of the silly stuff in these Films.  A Robot shows up!  At its worst, the Film is just kind dull, since Mascaras doesn't have much charisma here.  The whole thing is certainly odd and fun at times though...even if they couldn't afford to put a fake plate on this Van for the Film...

Next up, more killer animals- this time from the 80s.  Let's see how scary those Eyes can be.  Stay tuned...

Cinco De Grapplo: Mystery in Bermuda (aka Misterio en las Bermudas)

Celebrate Mexican Independence with El Santo!  Truth be told, I've owned this Movie for a long time.  In fact, I *technically* reviewed it in the very early days of Mondo Bizarro.  It was a one-paragraph review that told you nothing about the Film.  Let's remedy that, shall we?  Today's film is Mystery in Bermuda, a quirky little tale of murder, international intrigue and...people who live in the Bermuda Triangle.  Yeah, this one is a bit odd, to say the least.  Basically, our heroes go to the Bermuda area and get dragged into a plot involving a Princess who must sign a Treaty to make peace.  On top of that, there's a B-Plot involving a secret society of Scientists who live in the Bermuda Triangle.  What does that have to do with anything?  I won't SPOIL it just yet.  You will the 'final' Film with El Santo, Blue Demon and WWE Hall of Famer Mil Mascaras together.  If that's not enough for you, well take another shot of Tequila.  To find out what the hell is going on here, read on...

The film opens with...some guy and his friend fishing.  Some Mystery!

He apparently sets this whole thing up by saying that El Santo and company disappeared some time ago.  Okay...

After some cheesy footage of a Storm and crashing water in a Sound Stage, we see the Luchador trio in the ring.  This is the best action you get.

It is short, awkward and goofy (as Santo and Demon were over 55 at this point!).  Think about that for a moment, won't you?

The trio hang around by the pool until they get called to an important meeting.  They are called to help with the security of the Princess of Irania (possibly an issue with the Subtitles).  Makes sense to me!

On the opposite side, we see a group of people trying to stop the signing of said Treaty.  They include a trio of ladies who work to get close to our heroes.

As it turns out, their sneaky plans amount to little.  Seems like they were just padding this out or something...

The whole plot with the teleporting Scientists from the Bermuda Triangle- it adds nothing.  It helps liven the shaggy dog of a Script though.

The issue: they have nothing to do with anything.  Santo and company never meet or are aware of these people.  They appear to just be added to cash in on the 'Bermuda Triangle Mystery' trend of the time (see Cardona Jr's The Bermuda Triangle).

To pepper up the loose and confusing plot(s), we get a bunch of random fight scenes.  I totally didn't plan how this shot lined up- it just happened!

Yadda yadda yadda more fighting yadda yadda yadda random murders.  They are nice enough to pad this out with slow chase scenes (a la Mitchell) and the most awkward fighting since The Guy From Harlem.

Seriously, why do Wrestlers usually do SO bad at Movie Fight Scenes?  Weird.

After leaving the Princess alone and nearly getting her killed, she *almost* defeats the remaining hitman (or hit man in the Subtitles)...but has to be saved.  Thanks, casual Sexism!

The Treaty is signed and the day is saved.  Unfortunately...

...they didn't survive...or something, since they had already committed to this stupid tie-in already.  Weird way to do that.  The End.

This could have been much less crappy.  The Story- pretty standard, but workable.  Unfortunately, it is paced so randomly that it is hard to follow.  On top of that, the shoehorning of the Bermuda plot just makes it confusing.  I had to go back and recheck the Ending to make sense of it.  The heroes save the day...but disappeared forever off-camera.  Who made this film- Godfrey Ho?!?  On top of that, the Acting is...oh man, the Acting.  To be fair, it is a film Starring El Santo, Blue Demon and Mil Mascaras- what do you expect?  Everyone else is not that great, which is surely not helped by the Dialogue.  Can you say 'forced?'  If you can't, I will make you!  The whole thing is hard to judge as a whole, since it is such an awkward mix.  The connection between the two Plots is the Fisherman- who appears twice with the gang- and a lady kidnapped by the Bermuda Gang (and never mentioned again).  The worst thing you can say about this movie is that it is not even best one on the Disc.  While it lacks El Santo, The Champions of Justice is just plain goofy fun.  Hell, it is not even the silliest thing in the package.  That honor still goes to the 'Inspiration for the film NACHO LIBRE Starring Jack Black' on the front of my blue (not black?) DVD this is from.  What?  Huh?  As a final thought, if your Prop Gun won't fire, just shake it back and forth like the guy in the blue jacket.

Next up, I tackle a cheesy Horror Film to tie in to a Kid's Film.  It will make sense eventually.  Stay tuned... 

Viva La Raza: The Champions of Justice

Put your on masks and enjoy the fun!  Today's film is The Champions of Justice, a film I actually reviewed BEFORE Mondo Bizarro existed.  I did, however, review the other film that came on the release, a double-sided disc titled Lucha Libre.  It holds two Luchador Action Films under the pretense of 'buy it because Nacho Libre came out.'  No, really.  In spite of that, I like the release, even if those double-sided discs are a pain in the ass.  "Oh boy, I can't wait to watch...shit, wrong side of the disc!"  Anyhow, this film stars MOST of the major Lucha Libre stars of the day, save for El Santo.  This is essentially The Avengers, if the film didn't star Captain America.  Even so, fans of Lucha Libre should be content with Mil Mascaras and Blue Demon, the Van Damme of Lucha Libre Action Films.  The film is apparently a sequel to a Lucha Libre film that I haven't seen- that or they just acted like it.  Either way, an evil Scientist is trying to kill our heroes and has a devious way to do it- midgets.  Yes, it's not politically-correct to say that, but this film is far from politically-correct so screw it.  I won't SPOIL how he does it just yet, but you really need to see it.  To find out how awesome this hidden gem is, read on...

Blue Demon is here as...Blue Demon.  What- were you expecting him to play a real character?  Silly man.

Blue Demon, Mil Mascaras and El Medico Asesino team up in the ring to battle...um, three unmasked guys. If you want to really enjoy the film, start playing the Lucha Libre Drinking Game.

To do it, take a shot every time they do an Arm Drag.  You'll get a nice buzz from this scene alone.

The midgets that work for the evil Scientist try to kill our heroes with a made-to-scale machine gun (borrowed for For Your Height Only perhaps), but fail to do the job right.  That leads to Plan B.

If you guessed that 'Plan B' was 'Give super-strength to his Midget henchman (who all dress like Underdog,' then you are a weirdo and I love you!

As it turns out, ALL of the Luchadors have god-daughters in the Miss Mexico Pageant.  That's...an amazing coincidence.  It's also convenient, since they are the targets of our villain.

As it turns out, super-strong midgets are a Luchador's kryptonite.  The only problem is that the Doctor's methods for giving them the strength keeps giving out on them.

Our heroes are really not good at this, it seems, as all of the girls get captured.  One of them is brainwashed, as is Black Mask, one of their comrades.

 Our heroes fight the Doctor and his henchmen on the land, in the air (see the Stinger) and under the water.  Seriously, they fight underwater!

 After a long, silly fight, our heroes win the day and take...a romantic motorcycle ride with their god-daughters.  What's Spanish for 'um eww?'

Everything about this is great.  Well, not in the classical sense, obviously.  If judged as a real film, it has barely any plot, bad acting, silly scenes, ridiculous choreography and a jazz soundtrack that never stops for a second during the fight scenes.  For all those reasons, I love it!  It's unabashedly a stupid and silly movie about Technicos (good Luchadors) fighting Rudos (bad Luchadors).  It doesn't want to be Citizen Kane.  If you want to see Blue Demon awkwardly wrestle/fight a guy, see this movie.  If you want to see more arm drags and fake punches than you've ever thought possible, see this movie.  If you want to see a Luchador fist-fight a guy while they're both parachuting to the ground, see this movie.  Besides, if you get as lucky as me, you get this and Mystery in Bermuda for just $1.99.  That's not a lot of Pesos, but it is a lot fun!  Seriously, this happens!

Next up, I cover the first of two films that I've put off reviewing for a long time.  Get ready for scenes of Werewolves, Zombies and Ator as Dracula.  Stay tuned...

International Cinema Extravaganza (Part 1)

Conquest

Faceless warriors, swamp zombies and nearly-naked Destros are on the menu tonight. When you hire Lucio Fulci to make a sword-and-sandal film that is what you are going to get. For all you non-film nerds, he is an Italian director known for making serial killer films and ones in which women get ocular surgery from a zombie. Just check YouTube and that last part will make sense. In this case, Lucio made one about a thong-clad lady in an iron mask using 'Wookies' to hold down clans of cave people. After getting a cryptic vision of her death at the hands of an organ-stuffed scarecrow and his magic bow, she summons the ancient power of a wooden statue to avert that fate. It is just as insane as it sounds. The movie also has moments of severe gore- i.e. a woman being ripped in twain- amongst the usual combat and swordplay. An odd aspect of Conquest is that the protagonist is a rail-thin dork who meets a grizzled barbarian who is obviously the real hero of the picture. There is quite a long bit of movie before they really get to this though, making me wonder how much of this was changed in editing or on the set itself. Really strange magical effects are also quite resplendent in the movie, the best of which is a magic bow that appears to be made out of pure energy. Unique choreography, jazzy music and superfluous use of slow-motion are also what you get in spades here. Throw in cheesy effects and the package is complete.

Mystery in Bermuda

If I trust anyone to uncover a hidden conspiracy of global proportions, it is El Santo the luchador. This movie, available as a part of a handy two-pack, features both the legendary Mexican wrestler and his courageous comrade Blue Demon. The plot involves a bunch of scientists living at the bottom of the ocean in an apparent utopia-like society that like to weird experiments. Despite this film's similarity to a good episode of The Simpsons, it really just comes off as more weird than entertaining. The real mark against this movie is its severe lack of midgets. The companion piece- The Avenging Champions- you see had more midgets in it than a Being Tossed By People In A Fair Support Group. On the plus side, Santo is a pretty good performer and never takes off his mask. Even in a scene in which the men are hanging around a hotel pool casually reading the paper, they are in bathing suits and their masks. They just sort of accept it and you will too. You get to see weird people in jumpsuits teleport via cheap effects, which is at least good for a small laugh. Aside from the ludicrous nature of the story, it is not that exciting. It is sort of a trade-off for film buffs. On one hand, the film has El Santo, Blue Demon and Mil Mascaras. On the other, it is just not as good as the other film. If you are buying the DVD, there is no real issue, since you get both. Casual viewers will have to make the choice though: midgets or no midgets.