Forgotten Sequels: Raptor Island 2- Planet Raptor

Alright, who requested this?  Seriously- fess up!  Today's film is Planet Raptor, the sequel to Raptor Island.  Mind you, there's really not much to that statement.  I was hoping for some sort of exposition saying that the Raptors built a space ship or something, but no luck.  There are two reasons why it is considered to be so.  One is because Steven Bauer is in both of them, but playing different characters.  The other...I won't SPOIL just yet.  All you need to know is that this film has a silly plot, silly CG and Ted Raimi.  He's the Sean Bean of Horror/Sci-Fi Films, so you know what's coming in his future.  Seriously, he even shows up in movies like Midnight Meat Train just to die- he didn't even really have a character!  This film is actually kind of hard to find, despite coming out in 2007.  Why does that happen to some films (good or otherwise), while other films (e.c. The Princess Bride) have about a dozen different releases?  So after dealing with an off-market source to finally see the whole thing, how is it?  To find out, read on...

Right off the bat, the film makes a jarring jump into pure Sci-Fi.  It's something you do right or you do wrong.

So here's the other reason that this is called a sequel to Raptor Island- they use the same CG models.  Yes, despite looking like crap in 2004, they show up in this 2007 film.  It gets better, but we'll get to that.

A group of scientists- including Raimi and Vanessa Angel- and soldiers go to this Planet, only to find a city that looks like it was out of an old King Arthur film- even including a castle.  No, really.

Instead of showing you a shot of them, let's try and start a new meme...

The constant attacks by re-used CG Sprites leads to some odd moments like this...

Back on the ship, a Plot Device...I mean, Solar Storm is blocking communications and transport out.

If you're going to steal CG from Raptor Island, you might as well steal whole scenes.  For example, here's the 'Raptors nesting in the Volcano' scene re-purposed as 'Raptors nesting in the Planet.'  Throw in a cave that barely resembles the one from Island and you've got yourself a winner!

As a bonus, the unexplained T-Rex from Island also shows up for two shots...only to suddenly turn into a Raptor for the next shot.

It's like they released their mistake and tries to fix it...without actually doing anything to actually fix it!!!

As it turns out, the planet is a study ground to test the Raptors as weapons, with our heroes as the bait.  This is explained to them after a random, bug alien shows up for one scene, dumps exposition and then immediately disappears from the film.

Bye...whatever you were.

Skipping a lot of shooting and bad CG effects, Raimi dies (naturally) and the group makes it back, but only after a barely-there 'Corrupt General' sub-plot ends abruptly.  The End.

Yeah, this isn't really any better.  The movie is pretty bad, but how much you will hate it may vary.  For example, if you never saw Raptor Island, you would just think that these were crappy effects.  If you've seen it, you'd realize how lazy this was and respond appropriately.  If you like cheesy flicks involving commandos fighting badly-rendered CG monsters, you'll probably get some laughs out of it.  I sure did.  I have over a dozen Screen Captures from this movie.  Granted, nearly all of them are shots of just how bad the Raptors look here.  If you can track this down, you'll have a similar experience to watching Raptor Island.  Is it stupid?  Yes.  Is it bad?  Yes.  Do all of its attempts at being taken seriously make it funny as hell?  Yes.  Take us away, whatever the hell you are...

Next up, one of the few films I've tracked down JUST because of its crappy effects.  Will this film beat out The Eden Formula?  Stay tuned...

Lorenzo Lamas Week: Raptor Island

At last, the Lamas film that I've been dying to see!  Raptor Island has a very dubious reputations among certain people on the Internet.  Some film critics I've read- like those at The Smithee Awards- have gotten a lot of material out of this crap-fest.  Who am I to not partake as well?  The film is a cut-and-paste job as far as Syfy Channel films go.  "A group of ______ go to an _______, but find that it is infested with giant _____."  If the film is so generic, why cover it then?  Well, there are a number of reasons.  First off, Lamas fights Dinosaurs- need I say more?  Second, the Special Effects.  They're...well, you can guess.  I should also mention that the Director- Stanley Isaacs- only has this film to his name, although he did write other films- including Megalodon.  Quite a pedigree, huh?  To find out just why this movie is hilarious, read on...

Lamas is the leader of a Navy S.E.A.L. Team that has to take down some gun-runners.  This plot-point is pretty minor, but it does get them to the island...

...where the titular creatures attack.  I'm sorry, but could you make your 3-D models not look 2-D please?

I'm sorry, but this crap bears another viewing.  This...is an insult to the Playstation 2.  These look like animated toys!

As it turns out, the Raptors have been breeding like crazy on this island due to some toxic waste being dumped there.  How did the Raptors get there originally though?  Want to explain that one, movie?

Speaking of silly, covering themselves in this radioactive mud makes the Raptors not see them.  Our heroine actually questions why it works and Lamas' character makes up a half-assed excuse.  Speaking of which, you're covering yourself in radioactive mud!

I should mention that the lead gun-runner is the bad guy.  He barely does shit here, but he is essentially invincible until the finale.  Kudos.

The island is coming apart.  Shocking, I know.  It may have something to do with the explosives you set in the volcano.

After nearly running out of fuel, this one guy on the ship- who is super-important apparently- stops by to pick up our heroes.  They shoot at a green screen...I mean, the bad guy.  He gets eaten by his T-Rex, ending his inexplicable survival on an island full of death.

In a goofy twist ending stolen from Jurassic Park 3, the Raptors swim away to the mainland.  The problem- they're in the middle of the South China Sea!  The End.

Evolution is not catching up to you, Lamas.  This movie is just chock full of hilarity.  It's not a comedy...but it is hilarious.  The plot is so stock, allowing you to focus on the terrible shit.  Isn't that what we all want in a movie these days?  I hate it when good characters, plot and special effects get in the way of my derisive mocking of the film!  This movie does have some decent moments in it, but not all that great.  Lamas is actually in this movie a lot, since I guess he had all that free time from barely being in Lethal.  If you like good movies, the terrible CG effects ruin the movie.  If you like to laugh at terrible movies, the terrible CG effects make the movie.  The plot is not designed to actually explain itself- just to get the characters from scene to scene.  Seriously, where did the Raptors come from?  Furthermore, where did ONE T-Rex come from (since there is no mention of there being others)?  Were there some Stegosauruses and Pterodactyls on the other side of the island that we just never saw.  No, if you want to see Pterodactyls, watch a movie with Coolio.  Take us away, random, unlabeled device of some kind...

Next up, a film with a confusing back-story and relationship to another film.  Who cares- Lorenzo Lamas fights a Predator!  Stay tuned...