Delayed Reviews: Once Upon A Girl

Cartoon porn- what else is there to say?  I rented this movie about two years ago and, for the life of me, I can't imagine why.  Like most Something Weird DVD releases, the movie was freaky as hell.  Not in the same way as Alice in Acidland orMonster at Camp Sunshine, mind you, but still weird.  This is what you need to know: Don Jurwich wanted to make a dirty movie.  In order to do that, he got a bunch of ex-Disney animators and the guy who played 'Otis' on The Andy Griffith Show.  I'd really love to see how he got from Point A to Point B, honestly!  For those of you who don't know who Jurwich is (join the club!), he was a Producer on numerous animated shows/films.  A quick Wikipedia search shows his name on such projects as G.I. Joe, Hong Kong Phooey and Richie Rich.  Just note that he did work on some of these projects- most notably G.I. Joe- after working on this movie.  You can make porn cartoons and just jump back into regular ones?  Weird!  So why did I not review this film before?  Well, it's porn.  It's hard to write about something that's just porn, let alone show screen captures.  Throw in the fact that the site was still very young, so I didn't want to risk it.  Now- I don't care one way or another.  Get out your obviously-fake geese for my review of...

The film begins in a nice, small town wrought with controversy.  What could cause such a fuss?  Why it's the trial of Mother Goose, of course.  I'll let that one sink in for a minute.  Ready to continue?  Okay.  Ms. Goose is on trail for indecency, on account of her telling naughty stories all around town.  They bring her into the courtroom and she is...a man in drag.  Yeah, 'Otis' plays 'Mother Goose' here.  It's funny, apparently.  To defend 'herself,' 'she' tells some of her tales.  How would that help in any...aw, screw it!

 The animation is kind of like Disney film, but about sex.  We see the tale of Cinderella- only with sex.  It's what it sounds like.

The real 'meat' (pun fully intended) of the story is Jack & the Beanstalk  Jack humps a tree while a frog sits on his head.  I'd ask the logic of this, but...do I need to?

 Jack's frog falls into a nearby woman's dress, which apparently creates a sensation that she likes.  Try to get this face out of your mind now, bitches!

 He climbs up the titular stalk and runs into more 'sexy' situations.  First, the talking harp is a lady, so they make whoopie.  He meets up with the giant's wife next, who uses him for 'downtown fun.'  The husband comes home, requiring him to hide.  Guess where he hides- I dare you!  Eventually, the guy figures out that our hero is there- do you have to ask how?- and they have a laugh.  Good for you.

Jack has a good laugh remembering all of this.  Well, that and one other reaction...

Part of my soul just died.  Here's what killed the rest of it.

Lastly, we get a pretty odd Snow White story.  It all ends with her attending a wedding in the nude and an orgy breaks out.  Back in court, a similar thing happens.  Mother Goose is let off...because, well, logic died a long time ago.  The End.

This movie sucks- even in recollection!  The plot is an excuse to show a bunch of dirty cartoons.  Aside from that stupidity, it's not even funny.  A guy in a dress- that's all you've got?  The cartoons themselves are not good.  The voice-acting is bad, the animation is iffy and they don't even commit to the real sex.  It's like I want to see a Rated X cartoon with realistic sex or anything, but that's clearly what they were going for.  They actually end up with cartoons that have enough sex to be dirty, but not enough sex to really satisfy their point. Never mind that so many of them are full of freaky stuff like Jack making out with the talking harp.  If that works for you, more power to you!  As for me, the movie was just 'icky.'  I'm no prude, but I'm also not into this.  Like most Something Weird films, I get why they felt the need to release it, but I also don't care to see it more than once.

Next up, a Thai action film that also features giant, CG monsters.  Yeah, they can make Syfy Channel films too.  Stay tuned...

Pornedy: Flesh Gordon II

Expectations are still a dangerous thing. Even when set low, they can take you down like a well-trained UFC fighter on crack. Such was the case with today's review. While the original was not without its own sort of charm, it was not a 'good' movie. So I was not expecting much with the sequel that was crapped out over ten years later. Boy, I should have aimed a little lower still. Find out how low in my review of...

Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders

I will preface the review by stating that the little I could stand had lots of nudity. If, for some reason, that offends you, look elsewhere immediately. Everyone else will get there soon enough.

*

The film begins promisingly enough with Flesh and two buxom ladies on a ship. They are attacked by a stop-motion alien. The fight goes very quickly and manages to work in some nudity. It is as superfluous as the intricate stitching on a bustier. Yeah, it's there, but who is really paying attention to that aspect? It stops to reveal that this is a set. Yeah, Flesh is apparently a movie star...in a different movie inside this movie. That is way too complex for a movie like this. Tone it down, guys. That's better.

*

The film truly begins when Flesh is knocked out and kidnapped by three busty woman in super tiny cheerleader's outfits. They fly off in a ship with the words 'Let's Screw' on the side. Real classy, movie. Of course, you've already seen the giant monkey that pees off of a building, so it's all downhill from here. Dr. Jerkoff (that's still stupid) and Dale fly off to rescue him in their ship. Incidentally, Dale's ship looks like a pair of breasts, while Flesh's ship is still a giant dick. I just thought that you should know that.

*

Dale and Doctor I'm-not-going-to-say-it try to catch up, but get caught in an ass-teroid belt. No, I did not misspell that. Our heroes must- I kid you not- get past the farting rocks or die in a massive explosion. As much as this pains me to write, the pair must fire a series of plugs and fly away. I'd say that this kills any dignity I had left, but I've already seen the first Flesh Gordon movie. They escape and go to catch Flesh.

*

I'll spare you most of the plot and give you a synopsis.
-An evil villain used a ray gun to make the men on the Cheerleaders' planet impotent.
-They want to harness Flesh's virility (did the star write this script?) to save their planet.
-The villain and his fat, fat wife try to stop them.
-Somewhere during this, we get turd monsters (what is this- Dogma?).

*

You know what? If this movie does not care, then I don't. I will freely admit that I fell asleep watching this movie and chose to just accept fate's wishes. Do yourself a favor and watch something less terrible. How about Meatballs 2? That at least has a less crappy alien in it. It's still not good though.

*

Have you forgotten about more sequels? I sure haven't and you won't either. It's going to get sticky though. Stay tuned...

Pornedy: Please, Don't Eat My Mother

Is The Little Shop of Horrors a good movie? It's alright. It is certainly quirky. If the movie is not spectacular and was not a hit, why is everyone so 'inspired' by it? You have remakes (the 1986 musical and film) and numerous references in films (Waxwork). Oh and you have this piece of crap entitled...

Please, Don't Eat My Mother

You just know not to expect much with a title like that, don't you? So did I. This managed to even be worse than my low expectations though. It is some sort of gift.

*

The plot revolves around a 40 year old virgin who is not funny and is annoying. Your position is still safe, Carrell. He lives at home with his annoying mother and lives a thankless life. What can bring joy to his life? Before you say anything like a woman, a spine or some balls, I will tell you the answer: a plant. Of course, his mother is still annoying and he has no life. Well, it's a start.

*

This proves to be no ordinary plant. It is actually a bad prop...err, I mean, a talking plant. It talks with all the realism of a Ninja Turtle. If you take the time to just picture a fat lady standing just out of frame with a megaphone, you will at least get some laughs out of this. Meanwhile, the plant's appetite grows, starting out with flies and going up to dogs. All the while, Henry goes along with this, because, as we have established, he has no spine. Not that I would fight too much with the giant plant.

*

Now the really bad part. The movie is about 60% soft-core porn. Most of this is done in about three or four scenes of couples having sex. These run longer than a reading of War and Peace by a barely-literate 3-year old. Every single one of them feels longer than the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy- the full cut. On top of that, they are barely tied to the plot by way of having our lead peeping on them. Feel free to take a lunch break or two during these boring ass scenes.

*

I'll save you the trouble of renting this movie by telling you one thing: nothing funny happens. There are numerous scenes of people being eaten by the monster, but it is NEVER shown. For example, the cop shows up and, one jump cut later, he is naked and in the plant's mouth. Huh? The last lady is pretty hot, but that is about it. Do yourself a favor and watch ANY other version of this story. It is not funny, it is not titillating and it hurts to watch. The DVD extra of the guy from Something Awful picking out film cans was more entertaining!

*

Let's take a walk on the bi-polar side. I'm sad now. Stay tuned...

Pornedy: Flesh Gordon

Yeah, I am going to have a hard time with this one. This cult film has a big reputation among fans and is unknown among casual viewers. It is also hard to talk about this film in a serious manner, but I'll try with...

Flesh Gordon

The film begins with a long banner explaining that the film is a satire based on the 1930's serials. They make it very clear that it is no way related to them and made for comedy. Why the long explanation? This was made before the landmark case of Hustler v. Falwell that established fair use of parody. Now that we feel smarter, let's dumb it down.

*

A sex ray is being fired at random points on the planet Earth. As you can imagine, it forces people to break out into orgies. Top scientists have tried to find a way to stop it, but keep getting distracted somehow. A reporter and a young man (Flesh) rush to the home of a crazy scientist hoping that he has a way to stop it. It turns out that he does, but the trip does not go uninterrupted. If you ever wanted to see Dale, Flash and Zarkoff humping, this is your movie. They arrive on the planet to discover a powerful dictator with a stupid name.

*

As a not-so-subtle parody, the names in the movie are all innuendos. Aside from Flesh Gordon, Dr. Zarkoff is now Dr. Jerkoff. Ming the Merciless is now Wang the Perverted. Oh and the planet Mongo is now called planet Porno. Yeah, let's move on.

*

Our heroes are captured by Wang and sent off into different areas: Dale to his harem, the Doctor to his science lab and Flesh to death. Naturally, our virile hero does not die, though he does lose most of his clothing in the fight. The Emperor's daughter takes a liking to him and puts him to use. Being the pure hero, Flesh has sex with her and then goes to save Dale. He rescues the Doctor and joins forces with Prince Baron...I mean, Prince Precious in his brand new outfit.

*

The climax...I mean, conclusion of the film involves Wang's super-weapon, Flesh's space ship and a giant monster. Why not?!? One side note: the monster is voiced by Craig T. Nelson, of The Incredibles and Action Jackson fame. He is the best actor in the whole movie. In the end, good triumphs, evil loses and lots of people run around naked. The End.

*

This film is not that good, to be honest. If you can accept all the freaking nudity, it has some moments of good humor. It will certainly not appeal to casual film fans by any stretch of the imagination. Honestly though, I cannot say that I failed to have a good time. Would I share this good time with others? Probably not. You don't count.

*

Let's get away from dirty people and talk instead about dirty rats. Stay tuned...