Lost in Translation?: Freddy vs. Jason

Art is subjective.

Some people love Fine Art and hate Modern Art.
Other people hate Fine Art and love Modern Art.

I think we can all agree on one piece though...

Oh Ghana- never change!

Yes, the Internet is chock full of these bizarre, hand-made Posters.

They always look weird.
They always look silly.

I will say that this one is at least close to the Plot and gives us a new, silly subtitle- The War of Doom!

Hmm...sounds more like a Marvel Comics thing.

Top 12 Often Over-Looked Horror Movie Mothers

In lieu of a Review, I'm going to give some attention to some Mothers that don't get any due.  Naturally, I picked Fictional ones from Horror Films.  My goal was to cover ones that aren't as talked about online.

They deserve their due!

I mean, I could list all the ones you're expecting- Friday the 13th, Scream 2, Mama- but where's the fun in that?  Besides, Psycho is on like every freaking list and that...that is just silly.

Honorable Mention: Suspiria/Inferno/Mother of Tears- not actually Mothers (just Mother of ____, _____ and _____).  Still scary though.

12. Warlock 2- Armageddon/Xtro: A minor one, but an important one.  The titular Warlock has to show up to start the also-titular Armageddon.  How does he do it?  He infects a lady and is birthed by her right there in her living room!  As a bonus, this also happens in Xtro, only with an Alien/Human hybrid.

11. Anguish: While it is hard to tell what is happening in this overly-confusing-mind-trip Film, I do know one thing: Zelda Rubinstein is evil.  She drives her middle-aged son to kill people and take their eyes.  I should also note that her part is in the Film-within-the-Film.  That internal Film- Mother.

10. Beowulf (1999): What a Mother!  In this particular version of Beowulf, the final battle (as always) occurs between The Mother of All Monsters and our hero.  In this one, however, she is portrayed as half-Penthouse Model and half-giant spider/mutant thing.  It is ridiculous and not nearly as hot as 'Model on a Porn Star' Angelina Jolie...although also far less deep into the Uncanny Valley.

9. Mommy/Mommy's Day: She's a killer Momma.  Instead of talking about Serial Mom, let me talk about these ones.  She will kill anyone that she perceives as getting in the way of her kid's success.  This Bad Seed is one bad Momma!

8. Pulse 2: Another bad Mamma, but somehow sold as good.  In this Film, Ghosts have escaped from Internet (just go with it) and are making a mess of the world.  This lady is about to kill her young child rather than let it get infected by the plague.  She is killed instead, however, and proceeds to haunt the Dad and child to the very end.  When she kills him at the End, this is treated as 'justice.'  I'm not sure that I follow, movie...

7. The Baby: A double dose of weird!  A State Employee is tasked with checking in on a child in her Town.  What she discovers if a full-grown adult who acts like a baby!  Why?  Well, the Mom and Sister committed to this plan after the Husband/Dad left.  That's...messed up.  Our heroine eventually gets the 'kid' from their custody...since they get killed.  Now here's the twist: she wants to raise the man-baby with...her man-baby!  They don't say it explicitly, but the implication is that her Husband/Fiancee got a bad head injury and regressed to an infantile state.  What a...happy family?

6. Captain Kronos- Vampire Hunter: This blood-sucking Momma is just keeping the family in line.  In the Story, the titular hero comes to town to, well, guess.  He eventually discovers a strict, hierarchal Vampire family.  Momma Vampire and her son put up a good fight, proving that family is tough to combat.

5. Offspring (2009): While I don't like the Film, I can't deny how applicable it is.  A mostly-inbred, cannibal family off the coast of Maine makes their play to catch some new food.  They attack a house with a pair of Mothers and their kids.  Both sides fight hard against each other.  On the cannibal side, the Mother takes charge by the end (leading to the film The Mother).  On the good side, these ladies stand their ground, no matter what the cost.

4. Humanoids from the Deep (1980): Here's a change- a strong, heroic Mother.  While the Film is not even remotely Feminist (in light of Corman firing the lady Director for not shooting more Nudity and hiring a man to do it), it has one great moment.  While most of the Humanoids attack the Fair, one goes to attack the hero's house.  The Mother of his young child is at home and manages to fend off the creature in defense of her child, even killing it!

3. Inside: Not too forgotten, but definitely worthy of more notice.  Crazy lady with scissors attacks pregnant lady in home.  Why?  Well, the latter caused a car accident which made the former lose her unborn child.  You also get to see our heroine's Mother, so it is triply-applicable.

2. Phenomena: Another killer Momma.  In one of Dario Argento's less-appreciated Films, our heroine tracks down a killer of women in Switzerland.  It turns out to be some sort of misshapen child that belongs to Dario Nicolodi's Character.  She takes action on his behalf, protecting her son from justice because of the power of motherhood.  Let's just say that it doesn't end well.

1. Helldriver: We're going to Japan for the top pick.  In this crazy Film, a Husband and Wife killer team chase down their child when she flees the pair.  The Mother ends up getting struck by some space debris and emerges as a Zombie-creating Alien Hybrid.  This is Japan, you know.  She is so effective that Japan is literally separated into an infected side and a clean side.  Good for you, Mom.

On this Holiday, salute your Mothers and thank Xenu that they aren't like some of the ones here!

Happy Mother's Day.

Mondo Trivia: Jason Lives- Friday the 13th, Part 6

Well, I had to watch one of these today.  I'll review it properly soon (probably a Quick Review), but...

In the meantime, here's some interesting bit of Cast Trivia for you.

The first official Couple that end up being Jason's Victims include a guy you might recognize...

That's right- Tony Goldwyn!

If you aren't one of the millions of people that apparently watch Scandal (like me), here is the other thing you may know him from Ghost...

In case you still need more visual aids (why?), here is the bit you definitely remember...

Good times.

Holiday Cuts: Friday the 13th, Part 7- The New Blood

Let's continue on the backwards journey through this Series.  Why do I cover some Series Films out of Order?  Dunno- I just do.  I mostly do what ones seem to be the most interesting and start there.  I happened to find Jason X to be interesting (but not good), so I did that first.  After that, I just worked backwards. So, in summary, I'm weird and do weird things.  So what does Part 7 bring us?  In this one, Zombie Jason (as he was after Part 6) is stuck at the bottom of his famous Lake.  Thanks to a young lady with telekinetic powers, he is loose again to kill more people.  I'm sure you're asking- how did he survive under the water for so long?  He must have been bored, right?  I kid, I kid.  He was probably texting with that chick from The Ring the whole time.  No, the real odd thing here is our Carrie knock-off of a Final Girl.  When did they get mutant powers in this universe?  Well, in the previous Film (Part 6), Jason came back to life when lightning struck a metal pole stabbed into his body...so I question nothing.  He also came back from being burned to death via acid in Part 8, only to need magic to come back from being blown up in the same Film (Part 9), so...logic is nowhere.  This is all before he ends up in Space too.  Is this one less goofy and higher quality than the latter Sequels?  Not likely, but let's see for ourselves...

This is Jason Voorhees.  He has been killing lots of young people who like to have sex for about five Films now.

This is Carrie...I mean, Not Carrie.  She has developed strong telekinetic powers since her youth.

Her powers are barely-controllable and triggered by emotions.

Do you want to see these two face off right away?  Do you want to see something fresh?  Well...

You have to wait!!!

Instead, you get about an hour straight of Jason killing people, usually in groups of two.  Nobody ever screams for help either.

So, after six Film, sit back and enjoy these people: white folks in peril- now with a black couple!

Finally you get to see the pair face off properly about an hour in, once the 'Mooks' are all gone.

To the Film's credit, they hired a Make-Up/FX guy to Direct- John Carl Buechler- and Jason's make-up is appropriately-freaky.  He is a Zombie/Ghoul that has been living underwater for a year.

Not Carrie uses his powers in alot of neat ways- even if they are silly- and ultimately gets Jason back under the water...where he'll just walk out next year to go to Manhattan.  The End.

Honestly, it is not that great.  Mind you, it does depend what criteria you judge it by.  If you just want to see Jason Voorhees kill a ton of people for no good reason, this is a 5-Star Film.  That is pretty much the crux of this Film.  If you want to see a Film with good make-up and gore effects- as limited as they are at times-, this is a 3 or 4-Star Film.  If you want to see a good Story that is paced well and delivers in a timely fashion, it is more a 2-Star Film.  I may have exaggerated a bit earlier, but the point of it is true: the Film is mostly just Jason killing people until the Climax.  I won't lie and say that I was expecting something much different, but I was hoping for it.  The Film doesn't aim to be all that great, which is disappointing.  After 6 Films, maybe it was time to do something really interesting.  That idea pretty much begins and ends with 'Let's put Carrie in this.'  To be fair, I actually liked Not Carrie here, as she represents one of the few Final Girls to really stand an equal chance in a fight with a Horror Heavy.  Speaking of unique things, I have to discuss Jason's most improbable kill: the Lake Scene.  He kills the guy on the shore while the woman- who's naked- and vanishes.  Less than a minute later, he pops out of the water next to her!  You want to explain his quiet, high-speed run, dive into the water without dispersing the water and quiet wading up next to her?  No.  Of course you don't.  Ultimately, this is a two-note movie and only one of them is unique.  You know what to do with this one, Jason...

Next up, I celebrate Valentine's Day with an Art Film.  See- I don't make Bob watch *all* of them here.  Stay tuned...

'Holiday' SPOILER Theatre: Friday the 13th x 2 (Plus a Famous Guest)

It is the sort-of Holiday that comes every few months thanks to random chance- Friday the 13th.  Let's celebrate with the return of a segment I haven't done since October.

There is a fitting amount of irony to that, actually.

1) In Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan, the film ends with the titular villain getting, well, melted in toxic waste.  It is pretty definitive.

In spite of that, he just kind of shows up in the next film.  Speaking of which...

2) In Friday the 13th: Jason Goes To Hell, Jason is killed in the beginning, turns into a worm and revives himself...just to die again.

To further cement his death, his mask is dragged down to Hell.  So, naturally, we get him going to space in the next one.

To complete the set, there's Halloween H2O.

3) Michael (aka The Shape) is shot, stabbed and eventually crushed against a tree by a Van.  Still alive?  Well, let's just decapitate him while we're at it!

Naturally, they find a bullshit way to make him survive (which I won't justify with an explanation) for one last film!

So, the moral is this: Don't Trust that Horror Villains are Dead, As Long As Money is Left To Be Made.

Happy (or Scary) 13th, Internet!

Lost in Translation: Friday the 13th, Part 7

Hey, it's that sort-of Holiday that happens every few months without much warning.  Good thing I prepared for it!

Okay, not really.  I did find this though...

Wow- this one is a random and lazy doozy!  Random corpses, implied nudity and constipated Jason.

What did you expect from a Ghana poster for the least-liked Friday the 13th film though?

Decology: Jason X

When in doubt, go to space!  After 9 films with Jason Voorhees (or his mother), the studio was just plain out of ideas.  'Screw it,' they said, 'Just shoot him into outer space!'  Thus the final, pre-remake Friday the 13th film was made (not counting tomorrow's film, obviously), was made.  The film takes some liberties with the franchise and, depending on who you ask, establishes the end of the character's timeline.  That gets screwed with a bit by Freddy vs. Jason and the 'Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash' comics, but whatever.  This film takes the character onto a spaceship, where more people are waiting to be led to the slaughter.  The film has a cult following among a lot of people, while a bigger majority just kind of ignores it.  Where do I stand?  To find out, read on...

Sometime in the near future, a government group prepares to freeze-dry Jason Voorhees since he can't die.  Hi, David Cronenberg!

By the way, how was he un-melted from Part 8 and un-in Hell from Part 9?!?

 Having escaped from his restraints...somehow, he kills everyone save for a lady scientist.  She manages to get him into Deep Freeze, but he stabs her...through the metal door and they are both frozen.

Hundreds of years later, Earth is unlivable and salvage crews take stuff from there- including Voorhees and the lady.  Hey, that ship front looks like Jason's mask- subtle!

Now on the ship, the woman is revived, as is Jason.  Will he break out and kill people?  Gee- I wonder.

Hey look- he does just that.  I would never have guessed.

Among the victims are two of the crew members, who get interrupted during their V.R. session.  I hope you like, indiscriminate death and murder.

Finally, someone- without psychic powers- stands up to Jason.  This time, it's the robot chick, packing some serious heat!

The invincible, relentless killer needs an upgrade, so he conveniently falls into a machine that mixes humans with robots, creating Jason 4.0!

As our desperate heroes try to escape, the killer nearly takes them out.  Thankfully, Heroic Black Guy pulls Jason away, causing him to fall to some planet to kill again...or not.  See you in Jason XI!  The End.

In space, nobody can hear this series tread water.  The plot of this movie takes some unique steps, but never strays too far from the path.  Hell, they still have a stoner character- in the future!  Other than a lot of window dressing- the ship for the lake area, the Security Officer for a Cop- the movie is pretty much the same.  Granted, the climax involving the ship crashing towards a planet is not in the other films.  The Producers did make sure to give the film a more humorous tone, which certainly either works or it doesn't.  On one hand, the dark humor has its moments.  On the other hand, it is puns based around people being killed violently!  Unlike the darker, more serious tone, this film plays it light, assuming that anyone that would see Jason X is probably not interested in a serious movie.  They may actually be right there.  Either way, this film is certainly interesting.  Suck on that, Friday the 13th, Part 5!  Take us away, random trip to Hell...

Up next, the crossover film that everyone was waiting for.  It can't be worse than Alien vs. Predator, can it?  Stay tuned...

Series Killers: Friday the 13th- Jason Takes Manhattan

What is there left to prove?  Friday the 13th had seven films by this point, managing to work in one unrelated sequel- Part V.  What did they do with those films?  The first one did the set-up work, while Part II and III made the series work for so many.  They arguably had a good finale to the series with Part IV, ending with Jason dead once and for all.  After that, they pissed off their audience and, to make up for it, brought Jason back for Part VI.  Finally, he did battle with a psychic girl- just go with it, people- in Part VII, setting up this film.  In order to reinvigorate the series, they made a film where Jason wreaks havoc in New York City.  The budget got cut, however, and only the last thirty minutes actually takes place there.  Swing and miss, guys!  I should also mention something that not enough people do- the film's subtitle is a pun based on The Muppets Take Manhattan.  Really?  Really?!?  This movie didn't exactly light up the world with it's smile, so I'm sure that it will be great.  Get out your toxic waste jar for my review of...

The film begins with some brief recapping of the previous event.s  I'm sure a lot of people jump on board a series for eighth film, guys!  The set-up work is done by a teen on a house boat trying to get laid.  As the man drops anchor, however, the object touches a 50,000 volt power line running along the bottom of Crystal Lake, setting up the return of Jason.  Yes, by all means attempt to 'out-silly' the lightning revival from Part VI! He swims up to the boat while the movie gives us a fake-out scare in the form of the guy putting on a Jason mask.  Mind you, he interrupts his own attempt at getting laid to do so.  Jason kills him and takes the mask, proving that this movie is officially jump it's own shark.  You want me to hate you, don't you?!?  In addition to that, they have the girl beg for mercy before dying.  Real classy, guys.  As it turns out, the couple was floating near the boat trip for a class of graduating Seniors.  When they disappear and the boat is clearly floating mere feet away, the group goes anyways.  We are treated to some family drama in the form of a divorced couple.  The father appears to be a low-rent F. Murray Abraham, although I'm too indifferent to actually look up who he is.  Jason climbs on the boat as it pulls away.  Nobody notices the three-hundred pound giant who smells like sea weed, huh?

On the boat, we meet a slew of characters that only exist to die.  Take one guess what happens to them?  They include...
             * Slutty blond girl
             * Rocker girl
             * Nerd who looks like Crispin Glover from Part IV
             * Asian girl (who is actually a young Kelly Hu)
             * Generic jock guy
How do they die, you ask?  The deaths include...
             * Elevated choking (Hu)
             * Death by guitar bludgeoning (Rocker girl)
             * Beaten to death with cooling stones (Jock guy)
             * Decapitation via mirror shard (Slutty blond girl)
             * Electrocution (Nerd)
After all of that, the group manages to get the boat close to Manhattan and ride away in a boat.  Naturally, Jason follows, probably doing so by just slipping through one of the film's plot holes...

Once in the city, our heroes run afoul of some muggers, who decide to kidnap our Final Girl as a 'sex slave.'  Thank you, stereotypes.  Oddly, Jason actually saves her from the men, but only after they inject her with drugs.  Don't worry- it won't have any bearing on the plot.  While our heroes run away, the black guy- who hasn't died yet- challenges Jason to a boxing match, since he is a boxer.  After an extended scene of nothing, Jason punches the man's head off, conveniently sending it into the arms of the film's heroes.  They continue to flee, but Jason continues to follow them.  We get some random gags as well, including Jason looking at a hockey mask on a sign and a bit where he scares off a gang by flashing his unmasked face at them.  Why would he do that?  Why the hell not?!?  He chases our remaining heroes (the Final Girl and her boyfriend) into the sewers where they run into a worker.  Thanks for the jump scare, movie.  In spite of the two being led by a man who works there in a one-way tunnel, Jason appears ahead of them and kills the other person.  Logic- who the hell needs it?!?  The girl manages to throw some acid in Jason's face, causing it to get even uglier.  The pair eventually escape the sewers, thanks to Jason helping the girl one more time.  As the pair escape, I have to wonder how much continuity we will actually see...

This movie sucks, but you already know that.  I mean, this movie has become a punch-line for every cliche that the slasher film has used.  How does Jason always stay ahead of people?  How does a nearly 7 foot tall Kane Hodder sneak around a small boat?  How do people not smell him a mile away, given that his clothes have been soaking in Crystal Lake for at least a year?  So much of this movie is just an excuse to assemble a bunch of random kills.  It may sound like I'm being redundant saying this two film reviews in a row...but it's true.  After seven films, they ran out of good pretenses to string together the story.  Jason goes on the boat because...um, it's there.  As it turns out, he has some sort of weird connection to our film's Final Girl due to her being taught to swim in Crystal Lake.  This does lead to some scenes that are eerily-reminiscent of some J-Horror moments that would come in the ensuing years.  Visions of a dead boy- check.  Jason appearing in a mirror for no reason- check.  Jason appearing through a port hole surrounded by purple smoke- big check! Keep an eye out for Jason tossing a man through a diner window in the Third Act.  That man- stunt-man Ken Kirzinger!  Other than that kind of trivia, the movie is extremely-predictable.  The series got one last 'hurrah' in theaters, but you know how that worked out.  After that, we got a film with Jason in space...with cyborgs.  That's a story for another day though.

Next up, I finally tackle the film sequel whose title is a punch-line in and of itself.  Will it bite hard or give me some awesome Reb Brown action?  Stay tuned...
  

Decology: Jason Goes To Hell

The word 'final' gets thrown a lot these days. We have DC Comics' Final Crisis, the Final Fantasy series and, of course, 'The Final Countdown.' Today I am going to cover one part of the Friday the 13th series, which just happens to have two films with the word 'Final' in the title! How much more ironic can you get, people?!? Anyhow, today's reviews is of the ninth film in the series. Why this film? I mean, it does not have the mother being decapitated (Part 1), the psychic girl attacking Jason with chains (Part 7) or that famous dance scene with Crispin Glover (Part 4). I'll tell you why: because it is the most creative of all of them. Mind you, it is also one of the worst in terms of logic for that same reason too. It also takes the film into a territory that it should not go. This lesson was learned, since the next three films (counting the remake of sorts from this year) have not touched this idea. This is...

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

The film begins with a woman approaching Camp Crystal Lake. Her purpose there: to wander around, disrobe and be attacked by Jason Voorhees! She runs away for a while, randomly stopping and starting again in the usual fashion. Suddenly, Jason is surrounded by a SWAT team and an array of spotlights. They fire at him, fire at him some more and keep firing. You'd think that he is Amadou Diallo! After a Sam Peckinpah wet dream, they blow up the demon killer with a rocket launcher, which oddly leaves his heart intact. Not ten minutes in, his body is taken to a morgue to be examined. Here, I'll make it short for you: he is a giant pile of debris- that is what killed him! While his partner is away, the man in charge (a dead ringer for the last Ossie Davis) gets entranced by magic and chomps down on Jason's still-beating heart! When the other man returns, he meets a gruesome fate, followed by the police guarding the place. By the way, the movie decided that their deaths should be shown off-screen. Why do you suddenly shy away from the killing now?

*

It only gets weirder from here, folks. A famous bounty hunter talks about how Jason is not really dead, a fact somewhat confirmed by the killings at said morgue. He explains that Jason can take over any body & you can only kill him by some means that he won't share. Quick: get the knife from Lady Terminator back! I suppose you're wondering why I'm not yelling at the movie for suddenly retconning the powers of Voorhees. Well, my reasons are simple. Three films earlier, he came back to life when a man stabbed a pole into his chest and lightning struck it. I have no expectations for sanity...which are still shattered by this movie. The town of Crystal Lake is beginning to get crazy tourists, which is not good for one diner waitress who is...Jason's sister. Dun dun what?!? Since when are we concerned about people being related to Jason in any...they aren't planning what I think they're planning, are they? The bounty hunter hassles her, but gets locked up in prison. See you when the plot remembers to bring you back, guy. Meanwhile, a nicer man is seeking her fancy and he is...the star of Friday the 13th: The Series. You really got him?

*

I'll try to make this thing brief, because it hurts my head. The doctor kills a sheriff (after shaving off his mustache- seriously!) and makes him the new Jason. He attacks his sister and the guy, managing to kill her before being knocked out a window. Well, this has a good ten years on Halloween: Resurrection's opening, guys. The daughter is in town with her baby daughter, which makes her the target. The man is thought to be guilty, but alleviates their concerns by breaking out of jail with a gun! The daughter does not believe his fairy tale about Jason only being able to be killed or resurrected by someone of his own bloodline. If that fails, just get a Prime! A bunch of underdeveloped characters die (including a diner full of people) and a police station gets wrecked. Jason's new body tries to change into the daughter's via slipping a weird slug from his mouth to hers. This is broken up and the body destroyed. All of this leads us to...a weird demon worm slithering around the place. That's the real Jason Voorhees?!? Unfortunately, a minor character dumped the mom's body there earlier and the Jason worm enters her...turning into his old body again. All of that to be the body that got killed so easily? Just to make my Lady Terminator joke more ironic, the girl stabs Jason with a magic knife and finishes him off. On the plus side, Kane Hodder got paid his normal rate to barely work here! This leads to the famous ending with Freddy's hand grabbing the Jason mask...which finally paid off ten years later in 2003. The End.

*

This movie is not terrible, but it's damn strange. Jason has gone from a scrawny, burned-up kid in a dream sequence (1) to a killer (2-4), to an impostor (5), a zombie killer (6-8), an evil spirit worm (9) and, ultimately, to a cybernetic-killer (10). What a strange journey for one guy to go on! As for this movie, the plot is completely nuts. It veers off into Halloween territory with the evil spirit, the magic (bonus points for the Necronomicon cameo) and the whole family murder aspect. Whose idea was it to do this? I also have to wonder how everyone is so keen to believe this idea that has never been set up before?!? Of course, I believe this new thing for no good reason because the second 'Deep Throat' guy from The X-Files told me so.' Also, look at this movie from a writer's point-of-view. You kill off Jason Voorhees and build up his return for 80 minutes...only for him to be stabbed to death mere minutes after his ridiculous return. The fight with The Fallen from Transformers 2 is the only big fight that was more disappointingly-short that I can think of. This movie makes no damn sense, but does have some charms. If nothing else, it has a sign that reads...

'Jason Voorhees is Dead'
Burgers 50% Off

*

Up next, I change gears with a Chinese film about ghosts, magic and felines. Stay tuned...