Streaming Standard: Fast X (2023)

 My love-hate relationship with the silliest Franchise since Sharknado ended continues.

With it Streaming now, I'm revving up my engine for...

Did you know that Dom cares about Family?

He does.

Well, he is still on about it, even while they still pretend that Brian (Paul Walker) is still alive and always just away.

Speaking of family, our Villain here is Dante Reyes, the retconned Son of the Villain in Fast V.

He uses his vague influence, power and forces to completely overwhelm Cipher (Charlize Theron)- the villain who somehow manipulated the events of Fast VI-IX (even before she was Cast).

How?
Screw you, that's how!

He sets up an elaborate plan (that would put The Dark Knight's Joker to shame) that involves unleashing a rolling bomb in Rome, framing our Heroes for it.

Why don't their government connections (as literal agents of the government) help them?

Well, the Boss (Kurt Russell) is nowhere to be seen.  He's 'in the wind.'

Is he going to stop the Secret Invasion next?

His 5,038-part plan is all about causing 'suffering' to Dom and those around him.

This plays out with everyone being separated.  So, try to follow all of these Plots at the same time (between Car Chases) ...

1) Lettie trying to escape from a Black Site Prison.

2) Dom trying to find out what Dante is up to.

3) Han, Roman, Tej and Ramsay try to get out of Rome

4) Jakob (Dom's Brother and the last Film's Villain) escapes with Dom's on 'Little B'

5) Mr. Nobody's Daughter Tess (Brie Larson) is intermingling with all of these Plots

Throw in random asides with Dante and you have...wait- is this Fast & Furious: Infinity War?!?

Can Dom overcome the odds?
Can the Film keep handing Ex Machinas to its Villain?
Can anyone stop the combined power of TWO Aquaman Actors working together (see Stinger)?

To find out, stream the Film now.

It is big.  It is ambitious.  It is expensive.

It is really, really dumb.

The Plot is a whole bunch of 'we said show' and 'he can just do that.'  It is so self-serious and so overly dramatic about everything.  It thinks that it can throw in random lines mocking itself (e.g., 'They do things that defy physics') and then just keep doing them.

That's not to say that it is all bad.  If you can turn your brain off, the spectacle can be fun.  

John Cena as Jakob finally gets to show more personality as well, leading to him being the best part of the Film.  He'll be missed in Fast XI- no question.

Momoa as Dante is a big gain here, even if he is all over the place.  He's a walking Ex Machina and so ludicrous that it is hard to take him seriously, even as he is threatening everyone.  He's the most fun part of the Film besides Cena, but he also stands out/sticks out in equal measure.

The biggest problem is just that they have so much going on, so many random Cameos (we really needed Pete Davidson?!?) and so little focus that it is genuinely confusing.

For instance, Letty breaking out happens over the course of half of the Film and yet days seem to pass as well.  They also seem to forget things- like the fact that they BLEW UP the Submarine that Cipher uses at the end.

That's not the biggest Plot Hole in that bit, mind you.

For some big, epic Film, some things are just teased with zero payoff.  Due to- presumably- his Schedule Filming The Meg 2 and Expendables 4, Statham appears way too late in the Film to matter and then is just gone (not killed- simply not shown or mentioned).

This really is a make-or-break moment for the Series.  Will people be invested in this bloated, but also half-finished Story to return for the next Film.  The last 2 Films have failed to break the Billion Dollar mark, so we'll see.

As for me, I'm just wondering how I keep connecting things back to Smallville...

A ridiculous Film for anyone not invested in the Franchise.  Momoa is a highlight, at least, in this super-long, super-dumb Film though.

Quick Reviews: F9- The Fast Saga (2021)

 That damned Monkey's Paw is at work again.   Hollywood gets a successful non-Marvel Franchise...but it is Fast & Furious.

As the 10th (of possibly 12) Film comes out today, let's shift back to the last one from 2021.

Do you like high-octane action?
Do you like explosions?

If so, then you'll love...a prolonged Flashback to Dom's origin as a kid back in the late '80s, complete with Young Dom who is the wrong ethnicity and looks nothing like young Vin Diesel.

Why do we get all of this?  To set up the villain, of course.

Our Heroes leave their kid behind- he's literally not seen again until the end of the Film- to go try to rescue Mr. Nobody.

Instead, they find Military MacGuffin #289.

I can't say that the Film isn't educational.  For instance, I know that 'Peligroso Minas' is Spanish for 'Oh S**t, there's Mines!'

I also learned that if you drive fast enough, they won't blow up under your wheels.

Calling Mythbusters...

Our Villain is Jakob, played by John Cena.  He's Dom's younger Brother.

Sorry- I can't take that seriously, can you?!?

I love Cena, but...really?!?

The Film has really weird pacing too.

As an example, after we learn about Jakob, the group splits up.

They only need to find the other piece of the thing and a 'key,' but they go across the globe (from Japan to Sweden to Los Angeles to London) in like 2 days.

Did we need Dom and Helen Mirren?  I guess 'yes?'

Wanna focus up, Film?

I hear you- you want EVEN MORE FLASHBACKS.

We even get them after a big Action Scene, as we get the bonus of Dom seeing them in, I guess, a near death experience.  Yeah, someone can kill him.  HAHAHAHA.

We eventually get the setup for the finale, which feels like it should have happened an hour ago.

Also Han is alive.  Thanks for the SPOILER, Trailers!

Can they stop a big old truck from doing something something with the MacGuffin they now have?

Will Jakob stay evil (even though we know from the Fast 10 Trailers that he's good now)?

To find out, stream the Film now.  It's on Peacock, if you're curious.

A long, silly Film.  Look at the Title- F9: The Fast Saga.  How pretentious is that?!?

This all began with a very blatant copy of Point Break and now is a Saga?  Really?

The Plot is a mishmash of melodrama and ridiculous (but usually fun) Action Scenes.  In this Film, the new toy is Magnets.  They know sort of how they work and use them in ridiculous ways.  Could you really 'throw' cars with a magnet?

Yes, they lamp shade it with a line about 'never seeing a magnet this strong before.'  That doesn't change HOW magnets work, of course.

Have I mentioned how ponderous I found all of the Dom Flashback stuff enough yet?  One more.  Okay.  Seriously, I do get the idea of filling in his origin, but why now?  Why is it so boring?  Why did you get Michael Rooker for TWO SCENES and that's it?  Why does Young Dom look nothing like Dom?

All of my complaints aside, this Film made over $700 million in the post-COVID Lockdown Theater Reopening, so clearly someone wanted to see this thing reach for the Stars...

A truly Epic Film...in someone's mind.  It's allot of bollocks that will entertain fans of the spectacle...between all of the boring, sudden backstory.

Quick Review: Fast & Furious Presents Hobbs & Shaw

It is kind of a pretentious title for a Film this stupid, no?  

Since The Rock and Vin Diesel don't get along, we get a spin-off between 2 side-characters.  Why not?

Hobbs is a Federal Agent (which one varies between Films).
Shaw is a Criminal who killed Han (not addressed in the Film).

They have to get along to save the World?  What do you mean they already did this last Film?

Conveniently enough, the only person between a bad guy releasing a bioweapon and salvation is...Shaw's Sister.

So, the World would be screwed if they weren't related?

The Villain- Idris Elba.

He's a man enhanced with lots of technology, which gives him super-strength and a HUD.

So instead of being a robot brain put into a tough, black guy's body like in Universal Soldier: The Return, he's a tough, black guy...with a computer put into his brain?

Can the pair get along to save the World?  

Will we work in a pair of Cameos to do more 'world-building' for future Films?

Can they get enough muscle and gear to take out this walking pile of muscle and gear?

Or will their last stand in (American) Samoa be their, well, last stand?  Oh, and that's no SPOILER, since the Trailers pretty much laid out all 3 Acts of the Film.

To find out how it all ends, watch the Film.  Oh, and angry squint like Statham too.

A pretty silly Film that really thinks that it should be taken seriously.  We are 9 Films into this Series, so NOW is the time to be serious.  Sure!  

What the Film does right is make big Action Scenes with explosions, car crashes and fighting.  It can be a bit of escapist fun to see all of the silliness.  What it does wrong is try to force some sort of family drama into the mix.  

They do this weird thing where they reveal that Hobbs' family has a criminal connection and his turn to the Law separated him from them.  At the same time, they retcon that Shaw was actually *framed* for what got him kicked out of MI-6- this separated him from his Sister.  

Oh, so they're the same now.  No, wait- Hobbs caught bad guys and Shaw killed lots of people, including Han.  

Oh wait- is he not dead now?  I guess we'll find out next year- stupid pandemic! 

This choice is just a weird one, but I guess they just need that Chinese Yuan too much to keep Statham out of these Films.  It is clear that they want to go big places with this Series (since Rock and Diesel won't cooperate), as they introduce a new Big Bad and Side Characters for Sequel Bait.  Assuming things work out, I'll probably be stuck covering these Films for the next Decade- yea?  

In closing, why do my Films Starring Wrestlers all have them riding motorcycles these days?

Considering it is a F&F spin-off, you knew that it would be silly.  When it sticks to that (and not casually retconning its Characters), it can be stupid fun.

*Fast* Reviews: The Fate of the Furious

See what I did there?  Huh?  Huh?  I don't care if you groaned, it was worth it!  Anyways...

We surely needed a almost-entirely-pointless Street Race set in Cuba.  

It is not like this Film is over 2 hours long as it is!

Our new Villain- retconned like a mofo into continuity!- takes control of Dom with something mysterious.  

I'd SPOIL it...but that would just get me started on a different rant entirely (which I just did on Facebook).

The Rock is put into Prison after Dom's turn, but immediately broken out one Scene later with Statham's Shaw, who they will turn into a good guy...even though he killed Han and tried to kill them all at least a dozen times.

This is all about Family alright!

The remainder of the team reunites, now with Shaw and a new bland, white guy (Scott Eastwood).  

Can they take down Dom, Furiosa and Tormund Giantsbane?

Can Dom escape the control of Cipher (the most cliché Hacker name ever)?

  

Can he use his Producer Credit to make sure that he never looks weak or ever not in control during the action?

Beyond anything, this one is all about ridiculous (mostly in the bad way for me) Action and the idea of turning the team into armed government agents.

Can the save the World from the most impossibly-fast Sub?  To find out, watch the Film.

Silly, stupid and sometimes fun.  

I don't want you to think that I'm some grumpy asshole who 'can't enjoy a fun Film.'  I like a lot of Films that aren't technically-great, but are fun for me.  I like The Guyver.  I like The Scorpion King.  I like The Protector.  

I'm by no means the 'Arty Film Lover'- that's why I make Bob do those.  This one is just so disconnected from reality most of the time that it is hard to connect to.  There's a line where credibility is just plain gone and this is a cartoon.

  

Is it where Ludacris supposedly took the time to spray paint a smiley face on a wrecking ball?  

Is it when Dom rams through a dozen metal beams without even slowing down?  

Is it when Dom outruns a missile in a Charger?  

Is it when Dom rips metal off of a(n old) car with ease?  

Is it when the God's Eye is taken and used against our Heroes for the 2nd straight Film? 

 Is it when all of the cars but one drive fine on the ice...but then the other one doesn't AND they chide him for not having snow tires (when they don't either)?!?  

Is it when Dom somehow hatches a plan involving four people while under constant observation and control?  

Is it when Hobbs has his mostly white Girls Soccer Team do a Samoan War Dance? 

Is it when Dom hits a truck with his car and it JUST SO HAPPENS to make him fire all of his missiles from the pod and THEY JUST SO HAPPEN to hit every other truck following them?!?  

Is it when they have a nice 'family' dinner with the guy who killed Han?

Wow, that was tiring!  In any event, the Movie is ridiculous- love it or leave it.  

Now let's just enjoy how far Vin Diesel keeps The Rock from him the whole Film and in this Publicity Photo...

Another bloated, ridiculous mess of a Film.  Is the spectacle worth the constant head smacking?  That's up to you to decide, I guess.