Quick Review: The Visitor (1979)

 Is it a Film about Aliens?  Is it a Film about an evil child?  Is it a Horror Film?  Is it Sci-Fi?  Is my name Jerry Coleslaw?

Let's find out...

Somewhere, we see John Huston, a Sun, a mysterious figure and lots of sand.

Ominous music tells us that this means something serious...but not what it actually is.

We then cut to a blond, bearded man (Franco Nero!) who is talking to lots of bald kids.  I guess they were just big THX-1138 fans.

He speaks vaguely of evil and power and...well, there he goes.

A business man- Lance Henriksen- is questioned about his mysterious wealth and reports to a cabal of boring-ass businessmen.

His mission involves getting a woman to love him...for reasons that aren't super-clear.

The woman is raising a Daughter, who keeps getting observed by Huston.  She apparently has some sort of telekinetic powers, for reasons that aren't clear.

At her Birthday Party, someone gives her...a gun(!!!) and she casually tosses it onto the ground, whereupon it fires and paralyzes her Mom.

What in the what?!?

This brings the woman and Henriksen closer together, but more craziness is afoot.

Glenn Ford is killed by a bird sent by...someone.
The girl uses more of her powers to do stuff like bully some boys in a skating rink.

Huston shows up as 'a Babysitter' and makes it clear to the girl that she's being observed.

Also John Huston plays Pong.  Cross that off your Bucket List!

Is the little girl going to kill her Mother?
Will John Huston save the day?

What's the deal with all of those birds?

Why is this Film about Aliens and an evil Damien-like girl?

To find out, watch the Film.  I saw the Rifftrax version, but feel free to watch the kind you like.

What was this Movie?  It had a Plot involving aliens, an evil girl, John Huston, killer birds, telekinesis and what appeared to be future people.  I can't pinpoint what kind of Film they were actually going for, but they sure hit like 4 or 5 different kinds at once, didn't they?  It has lots of great Actors in it.  Not mentioned in the Review, you have Shelley Winters and Mel Ferrer.  As a bonus, here's Sam Peckinpah- why not?!?  It has some really good Music, even if the Film doesn't do it justice.  Did you include 4-10 minutes of John Huston walking up stairs?  Well, play some big, orchestral music over it and it sounds great!  It's still John Huston walking up some stairs though.  All of the random elements here are honestly well-made.  Is it silly?  Yes.  Does it look bad?  Honestly, no.  It's just a shame that they could decide what kind of Movie to make and just do that one right.  One little secret about the Film is that it is Italian.  It's Director- Giulio Pardisi- was credited as Michael J. Paradise.  That's...close enough?  If you like strange, this is for you.  If you like coherent and strange, well, this might not do it.  That Soundtrack though...

A quirky and bizarre Film that doesn't know what to be.  It is the equivalent of mixing all of your leftovers into a casserole- just in Film form.

Delayed Reviews: Demons 5- The Devil's Veil (aka The Mask of Satan)

 It's about time I made good on a promise from 11 years ago!  

Back in 2010, I finished covering the quartet of Films by Lamberto Bava that included Demons 3: The Ogre.  

In the final one (seen here), I mentioned that I was done unless I can find Demons 5: Black Sunday.  I forgot...for a long time.  

This is Demons 5: The Devil's Veil, a 1990 Film from Italy.  

Why does it have a different Title?  Well, the Film is a partial homage to MARIO Bava's Black Sunday, hence the unofficial Title.  The Film thankfully stands on its own...but it sure is weird.  

The Plot involves people in an Ice Cavern, a Witch, a blind Priest and some freaky monsters.  

As far as notable Cast goes, there's not much.  Our Heroines was briefly engaged to Klaus Kinski (she must have some stories!), one of them was the Female Lead in Black Cobra (which gave us all Poor Bastards of Cinema) and one of the group is Director Michele Soavi.  

Fans of Rifftrax might recognize one Star from Ghosthouse, while fans of Bad Movies might recognize her from Troll 3/Creepers/Contamination .7.  That's basically it.  

Was it worth waiting 11 years to finally do this?  

To find out, read on...

The Earth shifts and a bunch of skiers fall into a crevice.

They thankfully don't jump right into cannibalism, which is almost always everyone's concern post-Donner Party.

While some of them look for a way out, others find a frozen body and decide to remove the mask on it...to sell, I guess.

Who does that?!?

The entryway collapses and kills one of them.  The desperate group finds a random entryway to an area and just goes through it.

This is people taking ALL OF the wrong choices in a Choose Your Own Adventure Book.

They find a Blind Priest alone in a snowy village (which is oddly lit for being unexposed to the Sun) and turn to Page 33 by choosing to immediately fall asleep in his House.

When he finds out what they did, he's not happy.  He only warns our Lead, however, as he thinks that the others have been compromised.

It all relates to a watch named Anabis who was given the titular mask (with nails in it!) and was kept there.

Only the Priest survives now, apparently, as the watch...but he also isn't there to see them take the mask, so...useless.

The group starts to get possessed in a particular order...

Going by first names, it happens in the order to spell out 'Anabis,' which means that our Heroine (Sabina) is last.

She keeps trying to get our Lead to sleep with her and, well, something is definitely up with her.

After killing her to save her soul, he wakes up...and everyone is fine?

"I had the craziest dream- and you were there and you were there?'

Well, we're only an hour in, so that was a lie.

It's all a continuous trick to get him to give in to Anabis and empower her.

He finally wins out and...wakes up to find his friends dead in the Cavern.  He rushes to escape as the Movie ends (without a shirt, so good luck!).

A weird mess of a Film that is at least endearing.  

I will certainly give the Film points right off the bat for creativity.  It's a lazy thing to say that it is a Remake of Black Sunday (the Italian one not the killer Blimp one).  It features a similar creature and very loose Themes, but that's it.  

Credit where credit is due, this is the kind of thing that Remakes should do.  

That said, the Movie itself is...interesting.  The premise starts out strong, but kind of has many, many problems.  The Characters are pretty cut-and-paste.  

I think the biggest reason for that is that the Plot necessitates so many Characters to spell out 'Anabis.'  If her name was like 'Rosa' or something, they could have been more nuanced.  

Once they get possessed, they just are there to be freaky and attack.  The Priest does well enough, but eventually is just a Plot Device.  

In the Third Act, he's dead and giving advice 'from the great beyond' to make things work.  The fake-out Ending is the big issue here.  

The Pacing is just killed by the Film just kind of restarting in a silly way.  The logic behind it is intriguing...but not great.  

I will give credit to the freaky effects that sometimes show up.  It's not awful, but it pales in comparison to Demons and Demons 2.  

My copy has the original Italian Audio and some Subtitles.  It is just too bad that, for some reason, the SRT (or Subtitle Reader Track) File mixes up the letters 'rt' for 'm,' giving me such lines like this...

Next up, I continue Make Up March with a Film that I meant to cover long ago.  Gotta love misleading Titles, no?  Stay tuned...

WTF Japan?!?: Black Panther Bitch M

 No, this does not serve to fill my need for a new Marvel Film.  This is, say it with me, Black Panther Bitch M, a 1973 Film from Japan.  It was made by the Nikkatsu Corporation, who are behind a number of Films from the 1920s to as recently as stuff like Tokyo Gore Police.  I still love that Film (and Title).  With many Films, I get a deluge of information and have to pick and choose what to highlight.  I don't always mention if 'That Guy from That Movie was on That Show.'  For instance, I didn't mention that Ernest Dickerson was the Direct of Photography on Vampires, long before he became a regular Director for The Walking Dead.  This Film is kind of the opposite.  The Site I got this copy of the Film describes it as such 'Reiko Ike’s first appearance in a Nikkatsu film.'  Thanks.  What does IMDB say about it?  The Plot Summary is as follow- 'Add a Plot »'  Thanks for that.  What is the Plot then, me?  It involves a Corporation, a man trying to take over it and a woman hired by that man's boss (and target) to take him out first.  That woman- Black Panther Bitch M.  It's not my name- see below for yourself!  The reason for her name will come up later.  The Film has it all...if you like '70s Japanese Karate Thrillers.  It has Violence.  It has misogyny.  It has silly fashions (like our Heroine's floppy hat).  It has that especially kind of grating that Japanese Kids' voices can get.  Sorry, Japanese Kids- you have it coming!  The Film has an odd tone where it stays serious, but randomly has goofy stuff happen.  They aren't comedic moments- just odd ones.  I'll get into it, I guess.  To see what makes her better than Black Panther Bitch L, read on...

Our Heroine calls her Boss and begins to trail a Businessman.  

Naturally, she's the Master of Disguise in that giant hat and all-white ensemble.

We learn that the guy is divorced from his Wife and estranged from his Daughter.  Said Daughter is saved by our Heroine, which just sets up the ironic contrast for the end.

Of course, outside of that, letting him see her face is obviously a bad thing for her plan.

The guy is making a power grab against 'The President' and his intermediary is having none of it.

He sends goons to beat up the man, who fights back.

A random thumb poke to the stomach apparently kills him...20 minutes later.

Our Heroine watches the guy more, even having a weird scene where she uses the first of her two powers- super zoom-in eyes- to read his lips from across the Street.

An attempt to take him out leads to a long, but mostly-interesting fight/chase Scene.

The climax involves one henchman catching her off-guard to, well, have some fun with her.  He gets killed instead.

The next time he goes out, it is a trap.

Said trap involves casually hiding a SNIPER RIFLE in his golf bag.  He pulls it out to shoot her and, well, nobody seems to notice or care.

Our Heroine avoids getting shot by running towards the shooter.  No, really.

In the ensuing fight, we see her other cat-based power- shooting the scene with a fish-eye lens.

Other than that, I can't quite figure out how this helps her fight.

She gets wounded, so I guess that was an accurate critique.

The wounded M manages to hide out in, of all of the possible places, the ex-Wife's Restuarant.

In a long Scene, she tries to muster up the strength to kill him...but fails.

Once recovered, we get the next version of the Chase-Fight-Chase Scene.

Some new additions include throwing a pitchfork, a man rolling in a barrel during a shoot-out and a prolonged choking/escape scene.

M uses her connection with the Daughter to draw the man out (and alone this time).

The climax involves a swing set, an impossible flip and this not-so-subtle commentary on violence.

M calls her boss (The President) and goes to her next assignment.  The End.

A fun, but somewhat uneven Film.  The Film isn't especially-long, but the Pacing is weird.  Some Scenes- like the first Chase- go on for a very long time.  It's not a bad Scene, but a good Editor could have trimmed it down.  Likewise, they stretch out the 'watching from the window' Scene with the wounded M a bit too.  Again- a good Scene still.  The Action Scenes are fun and shot pretty well.  The little flourishes you get later with stuff like M's weird power help for the most part.  When these kinds of Scenes lack Drama, they can be a bit repetitive.  Thankfully, they pace them well enough to avoid the issue.  The '70s aesthetic is pretty strong here and it helps make the Film more enjoyable (to weirdos like me).  Everything you think of- short of an afro- is here.  There's also a weird sort-of tribute to Bruce Lee here (I think) with the Boss having 2 full-sized Posters from Enter the Dragon on his wall.  They are never addressed, so I don't know what the actual context is.  Black Panther Bitch M is a Film with a weird title that tells you nothing about what to expect.  Since IMDB is no help, I hope I was.  Take us away, unlicensed Donald Duck...

Next up, a new Month and some make-up Films to talk about.  Let's see what I've been skipping for this Month's theme.  Stay tuned...

Bob's Birthday Review: To Be Heroine (2018)

As the World doesn't quite seem to make sense right now, this seems like the perfect thing to talk about.

For Bob's Birthday, I'm covering a strange little Anime called To Be Heroine.  It is *technically* the Sequel Series to one called To Be Hero, but you can pretty much read a simple summary and get the whole thing.  It only connects to like 3 Characters, so no big loss.  The Story of this Show is weird.  I wish I could end right there, but I guess I'll keep going.  The Plot involves the typical Isekai Story- a normal person transported to another World- and our Heroine.  She has to team up with a strange baby man in a world full of them and, on top of that, your clothes turn into Summoned Creatures to battle for you.  It's Anime!  However, there is more to this 7-Part Series than that.  To find out how crazy this actually gets, read on...

Our Heroine- Futaba- is facing her Final Exams and issues with her one friend not taking things seriously enough.  Life is good?

She ends up in another World and ends up in a turf war between two talking babies.  I wish I was kidding.

As it turns out, her clothes can be turned into summoned creatures like Ninjas, Policemen and Electric Cat Monsters.  Rhyme and reason- who needs that stuff?!?

What's confusing at first when watching the Show is that the Intro seems to focus on these kids playing around...that aren't the current age of our Heroine and her friends.

Well, things start to get weird for a different reason as it becomes clear that they actually live in China (meaning i'm watching a Show with Double Subtitles) and it all relates to...an industrial accident?

After the first 3 Episodes, the Isekai stuff is toned down and/or completely removed.  In its place is a tale of corporate espionage, betrayal and a conspiracy right out of a Michael Crichton Novel.

Remember when this Show was about weird baby men?

Futaba remembers...and has no words for this strange tale now.

The connection to To Be Hero comes in the form of this guy, who is possessed by the baby man spirit from the other World...and is also the Father of one of the friends.

Some 'fun jokes' about a creepy old men professing his love to teenage girls- why not, Japan?

Can they uncover the conspiracy and save their Town?  Will the other World stuff pay off?  Will this confusing-ass Show be treated as 'emotional' by User Reviews?

To find out, stream this Show on Crunchyroll.  Just pay for Premium if you don't want to see 42 Ads for a company that makes miniatures for Shows you've never heard of.

 What a bizarre u-turn.  Which Show do you want to be?  Do you want to be the wacky Isekai Adventure of a girl dealing with baby men and summoning creatures?  Do you want to be a slice of life Show about some Teenagers?  Do you want to be a Drama about uncovering a corporate conspiracy?  Do you want to be a Drama about a Character or Characters dealing with Amnesia/Lost Memories?  If you answered 'yes' every time, you're the people behind this Show.  You also don't get how this thing works!  The disparate parts of the Show are interesting and/or fun in their own right.  My problem is that they don't really work well together or make that much sense.  This is the kind of Show that wants you to go 'Oh, that's clever' as you make it through.  "See- we showed the Soda as a gag in the Intro and now it's a Plot Point- praise us!"  No thanks.  The separate aspects of the Show just make for a confusing thing that tries to be silly in one moment, weepy in another and serious in yet another.  In one Episode, a baby man summons a ninja from a cloth.  In another Episode, a woman silently mourns the loss of a child in secret.  How are you the same Show?!?  To be fair, it all ties together at the end...but it still just doesn't work for me.  I'm reminded of a Match I reviewed for Let's Go to the Ring (cheap plug) from a 1999 Show.  It was made up of two very different parts- chaotic brawl and then a tag match- that I didn't like that much.  It was just so much worse when it couldn't just be a 10 minute brawl or a 10 minute Tag Match- it was 5 minutes of each.  On the plus side, this did manage to one-up my own family's motto...

The Show starts out as a weird, whimsical Anime...but turns into Erin Brokovich.  If this Tale was personal to its Author, good for them...I guess.

WTF Japan?!?: Terror of Mechagodzilla

I'm jumping back into this- another $1 well spent.  Yeah, I got a lot of cheap DVDs and you're going to hear about them for a while!  This is Terror of Mechagodzilla, a 1975 Toho Film that is important for many reasons.  First off, it ends an Era of Godzilla Films.  After this underperformed, they made no new Films until Godzilla: 1985.  Secondly, this is the last Film Directed by Ishiro Honda, the man most synonymous with the Character.  Hell, he's practically the face of Kaiju, right or wrong!  This is also the last Film to feature Godzilla as the Hero for almost 30 years!  This is also a Sequel directly to a previous Film, which is also rare in this Series.  Generally-speaking, the original Films are *mostly* one-offs that can connect, but can also be watched in nearly any order.  This would later be true for the Millennium Series as well and, yet again, Mechagodzilla made it happen.  In this Film, the titular creature returns and he brought company!  Will Godzilla have company again this time or did they cut the Budget too much?  To find out, read on...

The Film opens with Credits cut around a recap from the last Film.  How did they know a random jerk would watch these out of order 44 years later?!?

The short version- aliens hate us, make a robot and they fought.  King Caesar was also there, but his absence is not explained here.  Oh and Jet Jaguar is apparently on vacation too.

The Plot involves a search for the missing Mechagodzilla (broken, but not destroyed) and the search for a Scientist who was once 'mocked' for speaking of long-lost Dinosaurs in the deep.

Hey guys, Godzilla exists- why is this not believable?!?

As it turns out, the Scientist is alive and working with the Aliens.  A couple important notes...

- This creates a Plot Hole for the last Film, as he was apparently working with them for years...but they needed to kidnap a Scientist to help them last time.
- The search consists of 'Ask his Daughter and immediately believe that he's dead with no evidence.'
- The Aliens here don't transform into Ape-like creatures when injured- another Plot Hole.

Naturally, they fixed Mechagodzilla and are preparing for Round 2.

As someone on IMDB who knows Japanese Geography way better than me points out, they are shown looking for the Robot in an Ocean MILES AWAY from the site of the last battle.  Dummies.

The Dinosaur is called Titanosaurus and he loves to attack ships.

His most notable appearance after this would be in a Japan-only Soccer Game.  Yep.

The pair of Monsters are sent for a big attack and, yeah, Godzilla could sure use back-up.

It comes in the form of the Humans, who have a B-Plot that I can't be bothered to go into.  It involves a Robot Lady and some guys.

All you need to know is that they can use Sonics to hurt Titanosaurus, defeating him.

Godzilla takes Thanos' advice and goes for the head- which worked last time.

The Aliens, to their credit, though of this and made a module inside of the skull.  Of course, it would have meant nothing if he BLEW THE HEAD UP in the first place.

Godzilla wins again and walks out into the ocean...in a different-looking suit.  Basically, they made a cheaper suit that they didn't mind getting wet...and used it as the final shot of the Series for nearly a Decade.  The End.

A fun, silly romp.  This one is definitely a bit dense.  I know- it still features Godzilla fighting a giant Robot and a Dinosaur.  Just hear me out.  So much of the Plot hinges upon Aliens, techno-babble, some Story with a robot/android lady and people trapped on an Island.  If people thought that Humans got in the way of the action only in American Godzilla Films, they were surely-mistaken.  Interesting side-note on the Script- it was written by a Woman.  It's kind of interesting to see how uncommon that actually was at the time.  If you can accept the confusing Plot (made worse by cuts to most American Versions), the Action is pretty fun.  Godzilla's suit was on its metaphorical last legs, while its tail was literally hanging on for dear life!  The new Mechagodzilla looks neat- just ignore how much the Film uses Stock Shots of the old Suit!  The other Monster looks neat, but, as mentioned, was used almost never again.  Hell, even when it comes to Godzilla: Final Wars, he only appears as Stock Footage!  As a final chapter, the Film raises the stakes and is kind of fun.  It's definitely-flawed, but we can overlook a lot of this stuff for Godzilla Films.  Can we also overlook the fact that the adhesive for this man's fake eyebrows is clearly visible in this Shot though?

Next time, an early attempt at Disney manufacturing nostalgia with a Sequel/Remake to a Classic Film.  This one is older than all of you 'Millennials' though.  Stay tuned...

WTF Cover Art?!?: The Tingler

I don't know for sure who made this.
I don't know why they made this.
I don't know why this exists.

In spite of my questions, someone posted this bizarre mix of original Poster and bizarre painting on Facebook, so...enjoy?

Just to be safe, I blocked out a little bit of this.

I definitely have many MANY questions about this whole thing...

1) What?
2) Huh?
3) Do the people on the Poster see what is out there?
4) Is she making out with a Tingler?
5) Why is it glowing?
6) WHAT?!?
7) Are there more of these?

I have no explanations.  All I can do is share this insanity with the World.

You're welcome?