Worst of the Worst: Astro-Zombies M4- Invaders from Cyberspace - Bob's View

Back again for Worst of the Worst, and today I'm providing my take on Astro-Zombies M4 - Invaders from Cyberspace.

...what is with the M, by the way? I didn't ask that last time, but why is it "M4" and not just "4?" Just one more strange thing about this series, I guess.

So...let's start with one minor good note: Unlike Astro-Zombies M3, they do at least realize what part of the plot they should probably be focusing on this time. There are lots of scenes of Astro-Zombies attacking people in this movie.

There are in fact far too many of them.

The saying "be careful what you wish for" comes to mind.

Seen here in a bit cut from the Film.

There's just too much of it before we get to any real, actual plot...we get repeated, endlessly repeated shots of Astro-Zombies attacking random cities in various countries, all so people could use their vacation footage, I guess, and then footage of news reports about the attacks (some of which are handled decently, others of which are just awful - I particularly loved the one lady who was trying to act as a reporter reporting on a horrible disaster, but was all smiles the whole time, probably super-excited to finally get to show off her foreign language skills on film). Over. And over. And over.

But really, this is a good thing compared to the prior movie. A large portion of this film is people getting attacked by Astro-Zombies, and considering that the entire point of this sort of movie is to show people running from and/or being killed by the monster of the film until someone finds a way to survive, that's good. It is, in that way, anyway, an improvement over the prior film in the series, which focused the majority of its runtime on people squabbling over a nonsensical cloning project and only got around to having Astro-Zombies attack in the closing portion of the film, shortly before the Astro-Zombies themselves were wiped out with extreme ease.

But...the problem is that this film still doesn't get the other part of this story concept, which is to have a group of characters that we reliably follow through the attacks and can on some level root for - characters that will make us feel suspense as we worry over whether they will live or die.

We get flashes of it, mind: There's a couple who kind of start out looking like they'll be the ones we follow in constant danger throughout the film. The film really doesn't focus a whole heck of a lot on them, though, and after an initial attack or two, when it does focus on them they tend to not actually be in much danger. They do get attacked again near the end and end up finding how to stop the Astro-Zombies in the process, if I recall, but they just don't have a full plot.

Similarly, there's a bit of build to the possibility of the president's family being in danger, but...uh...nothing really seems to go anywhere with that. They even take away one of the kid's smartphones, and he just pulls out a spare (because...uh...don't you carry a spare smartphone at all times?) and nothing comes of that.

Instead, as Al noted, the film decides to focus on repeatedly starting plots with characters and then just killing them off and unceremoniously ending the plotline. He highlighted probably the best case already - a guy who steals critical technology from a research lab, uses it to contact the Astro-Zombies and try to ally with them, and just gets killed by them instead. We spend an inordinate amount of time on him for a plot that really doesn't end up relating to anything or mattering in any way whatsoever. No one goes looking for the tech he stole later, the Astro-Zombies don't seem to use it to accomplish anything, he doesn't cause any trouble for anyone, and no one else in the film cares that he's dead. It is an entirely pointless little side plot that looks like it should be at least moderately important, gets a lot of screen time, and then just ends without being of any consequence. We even have a further little side plot with his loser brother who is trying to become a music star...who dies like 30 seconds after the first guy dies.

To be very clear here, this isn't a case where the guy's introduced stealing something, works the rest of the film to try to accomplish his plan, receives a lot of character development, has interactions with other main characters where he is a threat to them, and is then undone by his own evil plot. That's what would happen in a good movie...or at least an acceptable one. No, in this film, he steals the stuff, goes home, argues with his brother, summons an Astro-Zombie, and gets killed off. There's no story break there and no point where he gets involved in anything else in the film. We just run straight through his little plot and find out it was meaningless.

Also his accent changes like four times over the course of his participation in the film.

That's the worst example in the film, probably, but this happens pretty frequently. Characters are introduced into the film for no purpose other than to die to Astro-Zombie attacks, but we spend more time on them than is necessary for that purpose. This would be fine if we were talking about following a few storylines through the film...say, 3 different sets of characters, each of whom had some run-ins with the Astro-Zombies and escaped a few times, only for some to finally be killed as their plots resolved and others to finally escape...but that's not what's happening here. What's happening here is that we keep being introduced to characters, following them slowly down the street or hearing about their life goals or otherwise spending a few boring minutes on them, and then they just get killed off unceremoniously and no one cares in the slightest.

At least this film doesn't waste quite as much time on any of them as M3 did with the plot about the author who thought the Astro-Zombie was his brother or whatever that was.

Oh, and that's not all! There are characters who don't die but still don't matter in the slightest! In particular, there's this remote viewing group that the military and/or research guys bring in midway through the film to find out more about the threat. They produce a drawing of an Astro-Zombie.

Which has already been clearly shown drawn on a whiteboard in the military briefing room in a prior scene.

In other words, the remote viewing group serves to tell the military guys precisely what they already know. We spend a pretty lengthy segment on this group, and even show them starting another job afterwards, like we're building to something else...and then absolutely nothing happens with them again. They are entirely, blatantly pointless.

Another thing...this is one of those films that is just terrible to watch if you've actually watched a prior film in a series. This film features the exact same general as the previous film, but he now seems entirely unaware of what Astro-Zombies are...despite the fact that he was in charge of cloning them in the prior film. I can only assume he's supposed to be a different character...that looks and dresses exactly the same. Or that Astro-Zombies M3 didn't happen, which...is probably a safe bet, actually, considering that nothing about its ending seems to apply to this film in the least.

...of course, the Astro-Zombies themselves, who can talk now by the way, reference some events from prior movies, so...uh...I guess some stuff happened and some didn't, and it's up to the viewer to guess?

How did Ted V. Mikels forget how to make Films?!?

Overall, the film is just really incoherent...and inconsistent. One moment Astro-Zombies are popping through computer screens, the next they're attacking by electrocuting you through your cell phone, the next they're being sent bodily through space...what exactly is their method? And once people figure out that cell phones are a danger, why does everyone keep using their cell phone? And when they do...why do Astro-Zombies just kind of stop attacking that way?

The film's conclusion is ridiculous, but it flirts with being the good kind of ridiculous, at least for bad movie fans. There is something honestly funny about seeing people moving around like they're in an epic gun battle in the streets, except that they're using mirrors against aliens with laser beam eyes. It doesn't make much sense, but I found some parts of it pretty amusing - people do all the things you'd expect to see in a gun fight, using cover, popping out for quick shots, all that sort of stuff, but they're holding little hand mirrors.

It just goes on too long, gets too repetitive, and features Astro-Zombies willfully aiming directly for the mirror - it's fine to have the lasers hit the mirrors when the person actually brings them up defensively just as the Astro-Zombie is firing, but when the person is clearly holding this tiny little hand mirror in place while the Astro-Zombie is taking aim, uh...wouldn't it just aim somewhere else? We're not talking about floor-to-ceiling mirrors here, these are little fist-sized hand mirrors. There's plenty of room to shoot something that's not defended.

Also, did the Astro-Zombies just forget how to use melee weapons? They spent the last movie attacking in extremely repetitive ways with machetes...I don't recall any of them using one as a backup weapon here. Seems like if your laser beam eyes turned out to not work you might at least try something else, right?

I know it sounds like I'm asking a lot of a movie named Astro-Zombies M4, but this is pretty basic stuff. When you're putting together a fight scene or chase scene or what-have-you, these are things you have to consider. You can't just film the same exact thing over and over and over - characters will have different strategies that alter over the course of an action scene. If one thing doesn't work, they'll stop trying it and try something else.

That's both appropriate realistic strategy and a method to ensure that the viewer doesn't get bored out of his dang mind by watching your film.

Why the hell was I in this Film?

I'm torn on whether Astro-Zombies M4 is better than Astro-Zombies M3. It has more action, which tells me that the people making this mess at least better understood the whole point of their movie...but it's also less organized and more prone to just introducing plots that go absolutely nowhere. I think in the end I have to say it is a slight improvement, but...very slight. It is better than M3, but still not a watchable film.

Worst of the Worst: Astro-Zombies M4- Invaders from Cyberspace

Another Ted V. Mikels Film- joy.  He's back for one last Astro-Zombies Film, since...um...I guess he felt like it.  I'd ask him why he kept going back to this...but he's dead and all.  

Life is sad sometimes.  

So what is this 4th and final Film in the Series about?  In this Film, there is now a Planet of Astro-Zombies and they attack the Earth in brand new ways.  They try a few different ways, which is the first sign of this Film's biggest problem.  

If you expected this to be a true follow-up to Part 3, prepare to be disappointed.  

If you expected it to be more like Part 2, you'll...still be disappointed.  

Basically, this is what happens when an old Director- Mikels was 83 when this came out- discovering 'a new toy' and using it in spite of all evidence to why he shouldn't.  

On top of that, the Story is...well, let me just portray the disappointment correctly in the Review proper...

After the events of the last Films, the Astro-Zombies are back to kill us.  Why?  Their Planet has an Asteroid coming at it and they apparently can't stop it.

I'm sorry, but am I supposed to be sympathetic for them now that two of them can talk (but seem to have the exact same voice)?!?

They show up and start killing people with their new eye lasers.

I guess I can't complain about the overuse of the same Practical Effects now...and just complain about how this all looks fake as s#%t.

The first section of the Film is all about two things over and over again.

First- the Astro-Zombies show up after random Tourist Footage of Cities...and then unconvincingly blow up land marks with F/X right out of After Effects...

Second- the Astro-Zombies now come through Computers and Monitors...but never in one shot.  

Yes, Demons 2 could do warping through a TV in 1986, but Astro-Zombies 4 has to cut away like a dick in 2012.

This is all funny and stupid enough.  Hell, it includes a Cameo by Rene's Dad from Storage Wars (why the hell do I know that?!?!?).

Here's where it goes wrong...

1) Abandoning this idea completely after about 20 minutes.
2) Continuing to introduce new Characters and Concepts (like how nobody knows what Astro-Zombies are now!)
3) Dropping said ideas almost instantaneously.
4) Never establishing one single Plot or idea for more than five minutes at a time.
5) A stupidly-hilarious final battle with a bunch of tiny mirrors.

Bad.  Really bad.  Bad in all of the worst kind of ways.  The Sharknado Films are almost always bad for being too ridiculous for words.  James Wan Films are bad for being one-note, jump-scare-fests.  Low-Budget Zombie Films are bad for the Writing and Production Values.  

Ted V. Mikels continued to find new and different ways to suck- kudos?  Astro-Zombies 2 was bad for just looking cheap and relying solely on the draw of the Astro-Zombies killing people.  Astro-Zombies 3 was bad for ignoring that idea in favor of a complicated and, quite frankly, boring Plot about cloning.  This Film is bad for not being any one Film for more than 5 minutes.  

The Astro-Zombies comment on how we are good at killing them, so they improve themselves with eye-lasers that either blow you up, burn you (in one Scene), turn you into charred skeletons (a few times) or blow up landmarks unconvincingly.  Next, they come through Monitors and Laptops to kill random people in private.  Afterwards, they abandon that idea for somehow shooting lightning through your cell phone to kill you.  In spite of that, people still use their phones not 10 minutes later and they *never* stop watching TV- ever.   

Here's a micro chasm of how this Film does things wrong.  We see random Doctors dissecting a never-before-seen Astro-Zombie (proving that they know about them!) and take a weird, glowing thing out of their head.  A guy steals it and monologues about how he's going to get the Astro-Zombies to work with him.  He opens up his laptop, allowing them access, tells them how he wants to work with them and...gets blown up.  End of Plot #164.  My God, this is tedious and stupid.  It is bad!

On the plus side, they didn't drag Tura Satana into this last one (but only because she was dead)...

I try not to speak ill of the dead if possible, but...thank Xenu that this is the last one of these.  Now all I have to worry about is another Remake of The Corpse Grinders (no, really!)...

Worst of the Worst? Astro-Zombies M3 - Cloned - Bob's View

I'm back here in the Worst of the Worst series, and today I'm taking my own look at Astro-Zombies M3 - Cloned. Al already covered a lot of this, so I think I'm going to more zoom in on a couple particularly giant problems.

AZM3C is just amazingly awful, especially, as Al noted, coming from a Director who at least had considerable experience in film-making. You'd expect someone to get better through practice, at least a little. If that's the case here, I'm terrified of what I would see if I went back and watched earlier works (Editors Note: They mostly sucked too).

The main thing I don't understand is how a film with this simple of a concept got so needlessly over-complicated and managed to be so utterly confusing. At heart, this plot is so easy: A misguided and/or evil military decides to dig up the bones of a horrible monster / psychopathic killer / whatever the astro-man was and clone it to be used as an unstoppable super-soldier. Predictably, something goes wrong, several copies of the unstoppable killer get loose, and it's up to [insert heroes here] to save the day or at least stay alive.

That's pretty easy. It's not especially interesting, but it's easy, and you could make a watchable film out of the basic idea.

This is not that Film.

In part, it's because everything is so dang complicated. Did we really need multiple factions fighting some kind of secret battle over the astro-man project? There's the military, then there's this secret side group that works for some kind of supervillain lady who shows up by hologram (and whose dialog is played so muffled that I couldn't understand most of what she said), then there's a senator who...I'm not quite sure what his role was, honestly, then there's the scientist doing the cloning who is working for the military but also seems to be in it for herself, then there's this guy who seems to be a military officer but I guess might be working for the supervillain lady, I think...and that's just the ones who seem to have a direct tie-in to the astro-man project. Chances are pretty good I missed some stuff there too.

That's exacerbated by the fact that some characters seem to be working for more than one of these factions, without any sign that they've changed sides or were playing one side and really working for the other or anything like that. There's this lady with a wide-brimmed hat and trenchcoat who seems at first to maybe be working for the senator, but then seems to be working for the supervillain, but I couldn't tell if that meant the supervillain and the senator were also aligned or if they didn't know each other. Maybe I missed something. The supervillain lady has this preserved head of the scientist lady's grandfather, too, who seemed like maybe he was against her or maybe he was for her, and I wasn't clear which. And the Doll Squad, a team of, I guess, highly trained secret agents, are called in twice in the film...once by the senator who appears to be investigating the astro-man project, and once by one of the main heads of the astro-man project.

Speaking of that, why was that even necessary? Why do the Doll Squad members have to be called in twice? The senator calls them in, then their squad leader is captured, and then we just kind of check in on her a couple times until eventually an entire second squad is called in and she just ends up escaping, coming to join them with, I guess, her own team. That entire thing could've been done more cleanly by having them just called in at first, the leader captured, and the rest of the squad working to free her to eat up a little time before getting back to their mission.

There's just too many factions involved, in too unclear a fashion, and I've left out things like the general's unnecessary twin brother, the scientist lady's maybe love interest, the author we spend just an incredible amount of time with considering how utterly unimportant he is to the plot (seriously, the movie might as well have just put a sign up that said "we were deliberately wasting your time" with a picture of a raised middle finger in his final scene)...there's so many people involved, and it just isn't at all clear who is working together, who is competing, and who appears to be working together but is actually competing or vice-versa.

But I think the thing that hurt the film's overall plotting more than anything, though, was that it focused on precisely the wrong part of the plot.

To reiterate: This is a movie about a secret government weapons project going off the rails and killing people.

When you make that movie, you focus on the "going off the rails and killing people."

This movie focused on the project itself.

Thrill to status update meetings! Get chills as the budget is called into question! Gasp as people sit around tables! Stare in wonder at the basic whiteboard with "Bio-terrorism" written on it in plain lettering, yet another sign that no one in this movie could be bothered to make the slightest bit of effort!

I swear that you're like two-thirds to three-quarters through the movie before the dang astro-zombies escape and start running around killing people. There's one or two deaths before that, sure, but they change nothing. "Oh, the mutant woke up and killed a security guard? Oh, well. We won't fire anyone related to the project or even do more than gently scold them. We'll just make vague threats about wanting to see a return on our investment and then leave everything as-is."

...yeah, speaking of, I love how passe everyone is about the scientist lady actually having managed to clone one of these things. With a full outfit and machete, no less, 'cause those are totally part of your body! I mean...look...either this military is some kind of evil empire, in which case they should be totally cool with the security guy being offed because their scientist just cloned a super-weapon, or it isn't, in which case it should be all, "we don't care you cloned something in a way that totally defies logic because an innocent person died in the process and we're arresting you for at the very least gross negligence resulting in death, see ya."

I mean, she totally sends the security guard into the room, alone, knowing that she's just cloned a creature known for flipping out and killing people. All the while, she's literally making a speech about how she just got to play god and create life and other mad scientist cliches. If there's one part of the project plot that should get more focus, it's some actual consequences for that, even if those consequences are just "character X wakes up and realizes he/she works for an evil organization and provides information to heroes to stop it" or something like that...which doesn't really ever happen, until maybe kindasorta near the end, far, far after this event and after character X gives a speech to the very scientist lady responsible for the deaths noting that he's proud of her for reasons unclear to me.

Really, though...this is where a lot of the trouble co
mes from. The film chooses to focus on the project to develop the astro-men, the trouble the project goes through, the threats to close it, the debates over whether it is the right tactic, that sort of thing. In order to do that, they need - you guessed it - a bunch of competing factions who get involved in some way with the project. There's factions developing it, factions investigating it, factions that want to take it down, factions that want to take it for themselves, factions that want to let someone else develop it but then maybe take credit for it or something like that...we get into the mess that I identified above, and a large part of it is due to the simple fact that the movie chooses to focus on the project rather than the result.

Look...you can do this so much better. Start the film with the project. Spend like 10 minutes on it, 15 tops, with clear signs things are going to go wrong. Then, boom, the astro-men escape, and we focus on one to four characters we most care about, probably the scientist lady, the guy who seems to supervise her, the scientist lady's love interest, and the supervisor guy's wife. Those four are shown running from the astro-men and trying to stay away from them while trying to get to some sort of special contact that can put them in touch with the Doll Squad and/or retrieve a weapon that can actually harm these uncontrollable monsters that someone, for some reason, thought it was a good idea to make functionally invulnerable. Meanwhile, the astro-men wreak havoc in the city, and because they're functionally invulnerable, people who try to fight them without [insert super-weapon here] end up dead.

It's a very basic template, but it can work! You can tweak it here and there if you want to put focus on different stuff - for instance, maybe the Doll Squad is sent in by the senator, still, but things have already gone to heck when they get there, so they go around trying to keep people safe while trying to find someone who knows how to kill the astro-men. Boom. Second plot, set up in like a minute.

You don't even actually have to have (much) more physical conflict than the movie had! Just spread parts of the ending rampage across the film, intersperse it with scenes focusing on the heroes trying to get from point A to point B, and then the end of the film can be mostly Doll Squad members and/or other heroes managing to finally wipe out the astro-men with the super-weapon. Rather than one annoyingly long "action" scene, you can get a whole bunch of smaller "action" scenes.

You need to also do them well enough for me to call them action rather than "action," of course, but that's a whole other matter.

The point is that while I don't think this was ever going to be a good film, it could've been a moderately enjoyable cheesy low-budget monster attack flick if they just picked the right thing to focus on and trimmed down their cast a whole heck of a lot.

One last subject: The actual "action" towards the film's end. This was just...just awful. I've seen a lot of bad films, and let me be clear - this was by far not the worst I've ever seen in terms of trying to portray violence, but it was really bad. I'll just list off a few things:

• The astro-zombies know about four ways of attacking someone, and it gets really, really repetitive.
• Hack into shoulder
• Cut off head
• Cut throat from behind
• Throw machete or other bladed implement, hit precisely the same position on chest on each person.
• The astro-zombies, being created as super-soldiers meant to lead the military to victory in any battle ever, have no discernible fighting ability, nor any urge whatsoever to defend themselves. Ever. If someone takes aggressive action at them, they do not in any way attempt to dodge, block, parry, or anything like that. It doesn't matter where they are. It doesn't matter what they are doing. It doesn't matter if they are aware of their attacker or not. They utterly fail to even attempt to defend.
• This would be acceptable if we were shown, repeatedly, that they were in fact invulnerable or regenerated as we were told they would earlier in the film. But we aren't. Instead, once the Doll Squad gets involved and is therefore there to actually try to fight the astro-zombies, the Doll Squad already has the explosive darts that can kill the astro-zombies...so to the best of my recollection, we never get any combat scene were someone tries to harm an astro-zombie and it regenerates or they otherwise fail to take it down. There's one scene earlier where someone experimentally cuts off the limb of one of the clones, but that's it. We never see their vaunted regenerative powers in actual combat.
• What this boils down to is that we get a whole ton of scenes of Doll Squad members running through town, spotting an astro-zombie, and shooting an explosive dart at it, whereupon it takes the dart with no attempt to dodge and explodes. Sometimes the movie mixes it up a little by having the Doll Squad person stab the dart in by hand and then blow it up with a remote. But that's really it. In only one scene does a Doll Squad member get caught remotely unaware and have to defend herself, and she still does that super-easily.
• There's one bit that at least stands out, though not for good reasons, where a Doll Squad person nonsensically runs up to an astro-zombie, clubs it in the face with her blowgun to knock it down, then loads the blowgun and fires a dart from it rather than just stabbing the dart in. There's no reason she couldn't just shoot the dart at first, to my recollection (I'm pretty sure I recall her running at the zombie, or at least having plenty of time to shoot before it got to her), and also no reason she couldn't just stab the dart in later. Either do ranged or melee for a scene like that, folks - or give the person a clear reason they have to switch between. It makes little sense otherwise.
•  So...basically...next time, how about instead of cloning psychopathic monsters and making them not-actually-all-that-invulnerable, maybe the military should just call in the Doll Squad.

I'll leave it there. This was an utterly awful film, though I will say it was at least better than the prior two we've watched for Worst of the Worst. Not that that's a real compliment, mind. Until next time...I'm going to go watch some films that don't make me wonder how much of my soul died during the runtime.

Worst of the Worst?: Astro-Zombies M3- Cloned

After Alien Beasts, could things get worse?

No, but let's see how close we get...

This time, we tackle one of the last Films made by prolific Director Ted V. Mikels.  Even though he's now dead, I have to remain as critical of his work as I was when he was alive.

This is the next part in the Astro-Zombies Series...

As the third Film is this alleged Series, the Film begins with Stock Footage (that looks better than what the new Film is most of the time)...

...and more Stock Footage.  That burned about 10 minutes.

In the last Film, Aliens showed up to save the day.  One of them remained and killed an old lady.

Of course, I'm not entirely clear if that matters, because...

The Military (led by Mikels in one of his 2 Roles) just digs up the bones of an Astro Zombie to make more of them.  So was that pointless?

I can tell you what is pointless though- Mikels' other Role as the General's Twin.  He whines, talks funny and then kills himself (via Cyanide that makes him melt).  Pointless.

This lady is a Scientist trying to both clone the Astro Men AND make them more than killers.  She doesn't care how many dead Guards it takes!

Thankfully, this Film is chock full of pointless, ancillary Characters that take up space and nothing more.  Wait- was that a compliment?

As if making this a Sequel to Mark of the Astro Zombies, Mikels also references The Corpse Grinders (with a can Cameo), the original Astro Zombies Film (using a mix of Stock Footage and new Audio to put Tura Satana in this) AND The Doll Squad (his nearly-forgotten '70s Action Film).

The latter plays a big role here as the Squad is sent in to defeat the Astro Men with exploding darts.  After that, someone something Sequel Bait.

Bad, confusing stuff.  This shouldn't be like this.  This is cheap Exploitation.  I don't say that like it is a bad word- Exploitation Films can be great!  This is just a mess of a Film.  For example, we see a mysterious woman in a trench coat that works for a Senator (who was The President in the last one), hires the Doll Squad...but then seems to be working for Stock Footage Satana...who is working worth or controlling the disembodied head of John Carradine...and might have tried to stop them...or helped them...maybe.  That's just one example.  The Film is a mess of storytelling and style.  One Character is introduced as doing a Book Signing and then sits down in the Store like he owns it.  So...is he doing a Book Signing in his own Store?  Why do I need to ask that?!?  Most of the Actors are pretty damn wooden and the only good ones are in small Roles.  The Film waste so much time with random Scenes and useless Characters.  Did we need to see those Teenagers chased away from Area 51?  Did we THREE SCENES of the Writer Guy if the pay-off was just a stupid death?  It wasn't even a clever or ironic death- it was an obvious one.  Other such Characters- like a second, random Security Guard, the Hitler-stache Major and the Men in Black just take up your time.  The two previous Films for Worst of the Worst were from first time or novice Directors.  Mikels' had been making Films for over FOUR DECADES at the time of this Film, so he can't hide behind that.  I'm glad that the guy had fun, but this one is easily one of the Worst of the Worst...

A plain old bad Film.  I'm glad that they had fun making it, but I sure as hell didn't have fun watching it.

3,300th Post Special: The Corpse Grinders 3

It isn't insulting to the dead if they only signed off on it.  Today's Film is The Corpse Grinders 3, a 2012 Film 'inspired' by Ted V. Mikels.  Unfortunately, 2016 was a bad Film for old Exploitation Directors with famous initials in their name- e.c. Ted V. Mikels and H.G. Lewis.  As such, I'm in even less of a rush to cover Mikels' last couple of Films.  Given the works before it, they are probably going to suck no matter when.  Here's the good news: he only signed off on this one.  He has no Writing or Producing Credit- just one for the Story.  If you don't know Corpse Grinders, here's a refresher- people make cat food out of people.  The first Film features a Doctor and Nurse investigating strange cat attacks tied to a Cat Food Company.  In the second Film, there are Cat Aliens and all sorts of other crap.  In this one, it...is a Remake.  Basically, some guy apparently bought the rights to make a new Film, called it the '3rd' Film and now I suffer for it 5 years later.  This is basically the 'everyone agrees that it is shit' Version of the new Evil Dead.  Manolito Motosierra (really) is on-board to just sort of coast through with a Remake called a Sequel- joy.  To find out how much I suffer for you, read on...

Lotus Cat Food is apparently made and sold in a tiny Village in Spain now.  Maybe they explain this...but do you really care?

They get some bad press after someone related to the food dies.  Thankfully, someone was nice enough to add the headstone engraving via terrible CG.

This new guy- who is one part Gustavo Fring and one part Keith Ellison- is an Investor to help them grow.  They get a new (mostly-fake) machine to make food faster.

Yes, before he came, two guys were grinding and canning all the food by hand!

This apparently makes all the Newspapers.  Does this qualify as The World's Slowest News Day?

They get into a ruckus with a lady and she ends up getting sucked into the machine.  Shocking.

This Cat loves it, so why not just keep making more of it?

In the last Film, the murderous people got RICH off of this with zero consequences, so go for it!

The cats go crazy, which escalates from random scratching to apparently a herd of them killing this guy under his bed.

"Hey, we only have 25 minutes left- let's introduce this Detective!  He will be important...now."

Speaking of suddenly important, this lady shows up to help the dorky guy who has kept popping up.  The whole climax of the Film involves killer cats, Bikers and this mysterious (always in shadow) creature that emerges from the machine.

If any of that sounded interesting, it wasn't.  The End.

Recycled disappointment.  Why Remake this Film?  Why call it a Sequel if you are going to re-make it?  The whole thing is just a dumb, silly mess.  The original Corpse Grinders is a schlocky-Classic, but it still wasn't good.  The Sequel is utter rubbish, somehow looking cheaper and more ridiculous when it was made in the 2000s!  Why did we need a 3rd one at all (regardless of how it turned out)?  It is not a deep, complex Film that somehow needed this much attention.  The Story is simple enough, so, of course, they muck it all up.  Basically, it is a bunch of awkward Comedy and terrible Acting.  The Film is only 80 minutes long (with Credits), but it feels 2x as long.  I saw it.  You don't have to.  This one is just plain bad.  Unlike the Director below, I have many Comments...

Next time, Poe gets another disappointing Film with his name slapped on it.  Can we just bury this one alive?  Stay tuned...

2,800th Post Special: The World's Worst Directors?

Can you believe that we are this point again?  Cue the Banner...

In lieu of a normal Review, let me do something different.  Let me talk about some truly bad Directors.  You may know some of them.  If you know all of them, I feel for you.  I feel your pain.

Some are dead, some are alive.  Some made 300 Films, some made 1 Film.  No matter what- the Films were bad.  Were they bad enough?

Who is the WORST?  That's going to always be up for debate.  Allow me to help out said Debate though...

- Jerry Warren: A 'dark horse' for this one as his Films are less 'famously-bad.'  However, his Resume includes Teenage Zombies, Frankenstein Island and The Wild World of Batwoman.  He has 11 Credits, so that was just about 1/4 of his work!  As a bonus, he was a Producer, Writer and Editor on many of these, so he can't hide behind someone else's mistakes.

- Ted V. Mikels: The work of a man who has been plaguing us with shitty Films since the 1960s.  His Resume includes The Girl in the Gold Boots, The Doll Squad, Apartheid Slave-Women's Justice, The Corpse Grinders Films (all 3?!?) and the Astro-Zombies Films (all 4?!?).  Even better, he's spaced these out from 1963 to today!  He has just refused to let his stop suffering.

- Coleman Francis: MST3K Fans know this man well.  All 3 Films he Directed were on the Show- The Beast of Yucca Flats, The Skydivers and Red Zone Cuba (aka Night Train to Mundo Fine).  As a bonus, he wrote all 3, Acted in all 3 (one as the Lead), Produced 2 and Edited 1.  He was all over these works and it is hard to 'pass the buck' to anyone else here.

- Scott Shaw: I'm sure he's going to get all over me for this.  Mr. Shaw is the man behind 'Zen Filmmaking' aka 'Shooting Without a Script.'  His choice to make Films like this has made him amazingly-polarizing in the Film world.  Unlike Coleman, he has LOTS of Credits (65 Films that aren't Shorts).  How many people can name their favorite?  Put your hand down, Mr. Shaw.

- William 'One-Shot' Beaudine: This man must have more Credits than anyone (372 to be exact)!  The late Director was nicknamed 'One Shot' because he would shoot so fast and cheap that he'd only ever take one shot (in general).  His Horror/Thriller output shows that.  He's behind infamous cheapies Billy the Kid vs. Dracula and Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter.  As a bonus, he did 2 Films from the Sons of Kong set- The Ape Man and Bela Lugosi Meets A Brooklyn Gorilla.  Sorry again, Bela.

- Ed Wood: Do I need to explain this?  Come on.  Moving on...

- James Nguyen: Julie & Jack.  Birdemic- Shock and Terror.  Birdemic 2.  Let me put it plainly: the man barely knows how to make Films.  He can't figure out some major things like Proper Lighting, Blocking, Sound Mixing, Sound Editing, Casting and Direction.  He also has about 3 ideas and keeps reusing them in some form.  Those ideas aren't really good.  He doesn't care.  We do.

- Tommy Wiseau: He's that guy who made The Room.  Any questions?

- Mark Hicks: He's another who makes the list for concentrated awful.  As far as IMDB is concerned, he made one Film- Actium Maximus: War of the Alien Dinosaurs.  It is terrible.  He is also the Writer, Cinematographer, Camera Operator, Sound Effects Editor, Composer, Special Effects Guy AND he Acts in it.  If he's made another Film, it would have to be Citizen Kane to make up for this...this garbage.  No offense.

- Ulli Lommel: So many Films.  So many bad ones.  The sad thing is that the man behind a dozen Direct-to-DVD Serial Killer Films and The Boogeyman Films (the 80s ones, that is) started out so promising.  If he was just some guy who made shit, it would be less bad.  The man worked with Fassbinder!  What happened to you, man?!?

Before I hit upon the final, most obvious choice, let me hit you with some also-rans..

--Honorable Mentions: Uwe Boll, Lucifer Valentine, Jesus Franco, Godfrey Ho, The Polonia Brothers, Andy Milligan, Bill Zebub, Rene Cardona Jr. and Sr, Bruno Mattei, Tom Six and David DeCoteau.

- Harold P. Warren: Manos- The Hands of Fate.  The Film is infamous.  The Film is awful.  Even the Title is kind of stupid.  An untrained guy just says 'Yeah, I can make a Film.'  He Wrote, Directed, Produced and Starred in this one.  He used a crappy Camera that couldn't record for more than 32 seconds and without Sound!  He hired a visibly-drugged-out guy to play 'Torgo.'  He used a middle-aged woman to dub over a little kid's voice. The Film was so bad that only 3 Crew Members ever worked in Film again!  There are no right choices on display here.  Not one.

Is Manos: The Hands of Fate the Worst Film of All-Time?  No.  Is Harold P. Warren the Worst Director of All-Time?  Possibly.

These are just some of the choices out there.  I'll leave the final decision up to you...

Rip-Off Cover Art?: The Black Klansman

I have to be honest- I don't know who is at fault here.

I mean, I can guess, but I don't know for sure.

So, as you saw in the Review, The Black Klansman had a decent, pulp-style Poster.  So why did it need this?

Deja Vu, right?

You're thinking- I've see that before...but where?  Well...

Let me help you...

Sweet Sassy-Molassy!  That's...I mean...no comment.

Topical V. Movie?: The Black Klansman

You have to be curious now, right?  You have to be!  Well, let me leave you in less suspense.  Today's Film is The Black Klansman, a Film by the *great* Ted V. Mikels.  If you are new to the site (or have selective amnesia), he is the Director of such Classics as The Corpse Grinders, Mark of the Astro-Zombies, The Corpse Grinders II and the MST3K favorite The Girl in the Gold Boots.  Great Director, right?  In 1966, he decided to make something topical- this Film.  In it, a man from Alabama returns there for personal reasons: to take down the Klan.  Okay- he really wants to just kill one guy.  Even the Characters in Ted V. Mikels Films set their standards low!  The key thing is that the guy is part-Black and can pass for White if he covers his somewhat-curly hair.  I won't question that!  Is this pure Exploitation or...okay, is this good?  To find out, read on...

In 1966, Alabama is not a good person to be a Minority.  They won't let you vote, you are treated like an inferior/sub-standard person and the Klan might kill you.

As opposed to now when they...well...I mean, the Klan gives money to Charity, so...progress?

This is our Hero.  He is part-black and has a Daughter in Alabama, who he left with Grandma-in-Law while he is in Los Angeles.

After this guy below dares to sit at a Diner, he is killed by the Klan.  They aren't satisfied with just murder, so they decide to fire-bomb the only Black Church in town to boot.

However, things turn even worse when a kid walks out the door as the Molotov is tossed.  It is our hero's daughter!

Now upset even more, he uses his resources as a part-time Investigative Reporter (which we are told about, but not shown) to disguise himself as a white person to join the local Klan.

His plan actually works pretty well, but his girlfriend (who is white) and fellow Musician (he's also that, by the way) follow him to Town unaware of the plan.

On the plus side, our Lead is the Master of Emoting!

Can he get his revenge and stop the Klan?

Well, he can.

Instead of talking more about this Film, how about some of the stuff that Google gives you when you search for 'The Black Klansman.'  Stuff like this...

...this great picture of two totally-not-opposite people...

...and an actual Black Klansman- albeit one who joined for the FBI to get information on them.  That should be a movie too!  The End.

Alot of sensationalism, but not much substance.  I know what you're thinking- I thought Ted V. Mikels Films are known for their substance!  Sorry.  This is one of those Films where I think the idea of it is just supposed to carry it.  The Acting, Story and Direction certainly don't.  Our Lead tries to act at times, but then doesn't doesn't at other times.  I'd love to know why.  In his first big Scene, he underacts and then follows that up with SUPER HAMMY Over Acting!  It is a sight to behold!  For the rest of the Film, he mostly plays it cool, which sort of makes sense for the Story.  I don't think that this is totally a crutch though, so I'm not going to give him a pass.  The presentation as far as Production Values and Direction are passable, but nothing more.  Ted V. Mikels is behind both of these things- as the Producer and Director-, so that's no surprise.  Like other Films from around this time like The Trial of Lee Harvey Oswald, it is a sub-standard Film that sounds more interesting in historical context.  It is an interesting idea, but it was done better in real life (see above).  On the plus side, this Film has an even trashier alternate Title out there...

Next up, let's take a short break from anything topical or controversial.  I haven't decided what yet, so enjoy the suspense.  Stay tuned...