Lost in Translation?: House II- The Second Story

House II is an odd one.

It turns a somewhat-comedic Horror Film into straight-Comedy.  It's a jump that some Films made.

It also made its way over to Asia, where this Thai Poster was found...

Another one of those 'throw everything on it' Posters that seemed to be common over there.

Mind you, we've started doing it now with all sorts of Blockbusters, so I guess they were just trendsetters!

Here's the original...

Whoever found and scanned this had a VERY red-tinted version.  I did my best to balance it out and add some depth.

Rare Flix: House III- The Horror Show

Oh, the Horror!  After a couple of years away, I finally watched the third film in the House series.  Why so long?  No reason, really.  I added House III to my Instant Queue a long time ago...but just never watched it. All of a sudden, a bunch of my film options were about to expire, including this one.  I said 'Well, I've got two days to watch this crap.  Which is the most important?"  I chose this one- as opposed to Panga or Terrorvision-, so let's see how good my judgement call is?  House III is not actually House III- it's just The Horror Show.  However, the film was marketed overseas as such and the next *actual* sequel was forced to be called House IV.  So while it may not be House III, the next film is still House IV.  If this one doesn't count, is House III in the same boat as Leonard: Parts 1-5?  What is the film about?  Well, a guy is terrorized in his House- hence the title- by the ghost of a killer that he caught and get sent to 'the chair.'  No, this isn't Shocker.  Both films were released in the same year and both did not exactly set the world on fire financially.  However, this film *technically* had a Sequel, allowing it to best its rival.  I can't tell you which is better until I actually see Shocker- which should happen soon enough.  Until then, let's see if this Lance Henriksen 'sequel' to a film he wasn't in is better than The Mangler 2, Mimic III or Damien: The Omen II.  We're setting the bar nice and low here, so let's see if he can limbo under it...

As the film opens with fake home movies of Lance and company, we see the first warning sign: this writing credit...

I soldiered on anyhow and we see a man named Max Jenke (pronounced like the singular form of that Scooby-Doo catchphrase) has killed a bunch of people.  Thanks to some confusing transitions and use of dreams, we're not sure what is happening.  This is especially true...

...when the man appears in bed dressed as Lance's wife.  Ew.

As it turns out, *most* of what Lance dreamed was true.  The man is sent to 'the chair,' but doesn't go down his easy.  Seriously, this dude defies all of the laws of nature here...but he's only just gotten started.

Thanks to, um, being evil or something, his spirit leaves his dead body and begins to make our hero think he's crazy.  Cue a whole slew of Freddy Kreuger-style actions like this weird sight gag below.

Just to note: Shocker is the one made by Wes Craven.  This film is just ripping him off...while he may or may not be ripping them off.  Confused?

The Police think that the daughter's boyfriend was killed by Lance since his body was found in the basement.

I should also mention that the guy is tricked and killed just like in Amityville 1992, which would come later.  I mention that since the son was in Amityville 4...in the same year as this film.  Weird.

After a lot of weird visuals and fake-outs, he attacks the family directly...with illusions.  I get that you like making crazy visuals, but some real things happening would be nice.

On the plus side, this guy's head blows up.  That's one thing off of the check list.

In The End, the villain is beaten when his spirit is zapped with electricity...in a dream world and his real body is shot to death.  I guess a man's corpse suddenly re-appearing clears you...although he is dead again.

The film ends with the missing cat being found and this freeze frame.  We aren't really going to have TWO Aron Eisenberg films about ghosts in houses end with the 'evil cat' bit are we?  Really?!?

For a Horror Show, I wasn't that bothered.  The film is kind of a mixed bag, to be honest.  What makes it interesting is often what causes the problems with it too.  The crazy visuals and tricks are interesting.  You see stuff like that guy's head explode, a decapitated head cry out and a serial killer's face on a cooked turkey.  The problem is that the drama is really hurt by this.  While Elm Street balanced these out a bit, this film just goes full-tilt crazy with them.  I didn't hate them- I just didn't feel much for the drama either.  The film is also full of little things that are either not explained properly or just feel silly.  In one scene, ghost Jenke shows up in the Interrogation Room and splits the table.  When the Cops come by later, the table is broken in two still and NOBODY asks Lance what happened to it!  Do you guys not see that?!?  There's also a weird sub-plot involving the son making fake complaints to get paid off in free samples.  Where does that go?  Nowhere.  What does it lead to?  Nothing.  Why.  Is.  That.  Here?!?  The film does have a great villain, even if his motivations are nothing more than 'Me be evil' and his powers come from...um, being really evil.  Hopefully Shocker explains this shit, since this film didn't.  The late James Isaac made a really neat-looking film...but it's easy to see why it never quite made the most lasting impression.  Take us away, thing that makes this REALLY House III...

Next up, a film for everyone that liked The Omen, but wished that it was also The China Syndrome.  For all three of you, I've got the film for you!

VHS For The Win: House 4

With the final House film represented, maybe now we can see a film that is more consistent and logical in tone.  Then again...

Well, I'll hand it to you- that's interesting.  I also like how congenial the evil spirit appears to be here.

Of course, its subtitle makes me think of Repossessed- which is never a good thing!

Up next, a title that is as generic as generic can be.  Will the box art redeem it however?  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: House 3

After the odd debacle that was House 2: The Second Story, how would the series continue?  Why with an unrelated film, of course...

Oh shit- flying hand!  I especially like how they are trying to connect this film to both 'Friday the 13th' (see the top text) and Nightmare on Elm Street series' (see tag-line).  Nice!

Next up, the final House film...so far.  Will we wrap up with a bang or a whimper?  Stay tuned...

Doom House!: House II- The Second Story

What makes a film a sequel?  The return of popular characters?  A setting that has more trouble to cause?  A familiar power manifesting itself in a new way?  All of these are valid definitions in their own way.  This leads me to House II: The Second Story.  Do any of these elements occur in this film?  No, No and No.  William Katt is not back as the author, replaced by two dorks, one of whom gained minor fame on Ellen's sitcom in the '90s.  The titular house is also not there, since it was freaking burned down.  The monsters don't return either, replaced with even goofier ones.  In fact, there is only one connective thread: Kane Hodder.  As both a Stunt Man and the Stunt Choreographer, Mr. Hodder has a part in House 1, 2, 3 and 4.  I'll get into those other two films later though.  So what's this film about?  Well, it's about a house- hence the title, I guess- which holds a treasure.  This leads to a grand adventure, a zombie prospector and a giant chicken.  This is going to hurt, isn't it?  Get out your crystal skulls for my review of...

The film begins with, well, a ton of comedy.  Mind you, it's comedy on par with Lucky Stiff, so don't get your hopes up.  Basically, our two leads are living in a house that has always belonged to their family.  They're joined at certain points by a set of supporting characters, including a silly redhead (the former Ms. John Ritter, Amy Yasbeck) and a love interest character.  They don't add much to the film though, so let's just move on.  Of course, I should also mention that Bill Maher has a small role here, as he did a ton of these kinds of movies in the '80s.  We haven't forgotten, Bill!  Our heroes learn about a treasure hunt that was once undertaken by their great-great grandfather.  They are convinced that a map they subsequently find is related to the treasure. The pair go out to the yard only to discover a different kind of treasure: the mummified body of their great-great-grandfather.  Don't worry- he's alive.  No, they don't really explain how.  He awakens and tells them about the treasure that they must go out and seek.  It's a crystal skull that has some sort of powers that I can't be bothered to remember.  This is not getting better...

Finding the object necessitates a trip to another dimension.  Yeah, that thing that was weird in House is just kind of accepted here.  It's a jungle-style environment that is about as low-rent as you can get.  Picture the jungle scenes from Night of the Sorcerers and you've got this film.  Their adventure includes a battle with some jungle animals and a pterodactyl.  Eventually, the pair escape from the area with the treasure.  You know what that means, right?  Party!  Unfortunately, the presence of the object leads to some undesired guests showing up to try and steal it.  Add in some awkward 'don't look behind that door' comedy and you have a nice party.  With a costume theme, a spandex clad Kane Hodder can walk in without a second glance.  He makes short work of the zombified grandfather and our heroes, but they manage to escape back into the jungle dimension.  Sure- why not?!?  They try to take out the giant of a man (credited as 'Gorilla'), but fail in all of the ways you would expect.  Thankfully, a claymation dinosaur thing shows up to kill him and just sort of leaves.  Thanks, plot device!  Unfortunately, another demonic force is lingering about: a zombie cowboy.  I wish I was kidding.

The skull's presence creates all sorts of messes in the house and trouble comes often.  They end up with a giant chicken in the house because, well, just because.  A cult ends up in the basement of the house, which turns out to be quite gigantic.  They are led to this by an electrical short of some kind, prompting them to call an electrician (Cheers star John Ratzenberger).  Yes, this series is two-for-two with Cheers stars.  He proves oddly-accepting of this whole thing and helps them fight off the cult with some swords.  I get that this is a comedy, but I would like some logic here, please.  When the danger finally appears to be over with, the zombie cowboy rises up from the dinner table and steals the skull.  Not only that, but he shoots the great-great-grandfather.  Despite him surviving for nearly 200 years in a grave, this kills him.  It probably has something to do with the skull, but still feels really dumb!  The villain captures everyone save for our lead actor (Arye Gross) and challenges him to a showdown.  They have a face-off and...the guy misses every shot and runs away.  He eventually gets a burst of courage and confidence and does better in the rematch.  He manages to blow up the zombie's head and, big surprise, the house burns down.  The End.

This movie...is just plain silly.  The plot is weird, setting up a loose structure to allow the film to just meander about in whatever direction it feels like.  Seriously, what is the focus of the movie?  We have dinosaurs, a cult, giant chickens and Kane Hodder in a Speedo.  Is this the Mad Libs screenplay I've always, um, farted about?  The tonal switch to full-comedy is not as jarring as you might think, but is still distracting.  This is what would have happened if Universal had actually greenlit the original screenplay to Jaws 3- Jaws 3, People 0.  I have to wonder who was begging for this, that's all.  Just to note: I watched both House and House II in the span of about four hours (counting a small break).  If you really want to see how different the two films are, do it this way!  It's hard to recommend this film to many people because it is just so damn silly.  I love goofy movies, but this movie was still weird to even me.  If you have a real quirky taste, you may love this movie.  A lot of you will probably just wonder why the hell this is called House II.

Up next, a monumental event happens at Mondo Bizarro- my 1,000th post.  To celebrate, I review one of the most shocking and polarizing films from the video age.  Stay tuned...

Doom House! : House (1986)

The film House is a weird case.  It's a series that ran for four films and seemed to do alright for itself.  However, most casual fans of horror will not ever bring this up.  Some of them have probably seen it- but they don't ever talk about it.  In fact, among all the horror series that I've covered- be it Ghoulies, Subspecies or Pumpkinhead- I have yet to really get many requests for it.  The catch is that it's a highly-regarded first film.  As far as the rest of them, not so much.  Let's focus on the original film though.  It's the tale of a novelist who moves into a new house, but finds out that he's not alone in there.  Oh yeah, 'Norm' from Cheers and 'Bull' from Night Court are here too.  Get out your randomly-bloody dress for my review of...

Early on, we don't know a lot about our hero.  We know that he lost a son due to some sort of accident in a pool and that he's a novelist working on his next book.  Thanks for the extreme close-up of the fan in a book-signing line, movie.  The house seems nice enough.  It's big, spacious and has a hot blond who likes to use the pool.  By the way, I hope you like this lady's ass, because the movie sure does!  The problem: he's got a neighbor who wants to chat.  That neighbor- George Wendt- eventually gets the hint through a bit of really awkward dialog.  Oh wait, it's supposed to be funny.  Inside, the man starts to plan out his novel, but gets caught up in some Vietnam flashbacks.  These seem really out of place, but do eventually tie in to the plot.  They also include Richard Moll, so that's a plus.  The man starts to get into the stories too much, however, as he dresses in the gear for the part while writing.  I'd hate to see what Stephen King does!  On top of that, a monster from his closet tries to attack him.  This leads the man to set up a line of guns facing the door & dive out the front door to celebrate his victory.  Naturally, the neighbor is outside the house doing...um, something. Break out the ironic trombone- again!

The neighbor is a big fan of the author and is worried about him.  Is the stress of writing a book and the loss of his son driving him mad?  He calls the man's girlfriend- an actress- and tells her that she needs to visit.  Her arrival goes well, until she turns into a puss-looking monster.  If the monster from Dagon had a pimple that become a living being, it would be this thing.  The man shoots the monster, which turns back into his girlfriend.  The neighbor calls the cops, thinking that the man offed himself.  This sets up some awkward comedy involving the man hiding the body and it nearly being discovered a few times.  Ha ha- it's funny because she died.  This monster won't stay dead though and has to be cut up and buried in separate holes in the ground.  More comedy ensues as the woman from earlier shows up and dumps her kid off with him.  However, the disembodied hand gets on his back, forcing our hero to cover for the limb's removal.  He also gets more flashbacks to Vietnam that still don't quite seem to synch up.  Random moments that don't make sense- get used to that.

Eventually, he's not alone in his quest to deal with the trouble.  The guy just sort of goes along with his request, but changes his tune when he sees a real monster.  At this point, things just get weird- yes, even by comparison.  The man is dragged into the closet by the monster and ends up in his own flashback from Vietnam.  However, the dead soldiers- especially Moll- are pissed.  He makes his way back to the real world and must do battle with a giant, zombie version of Moll.  The guy is packing heat too!  He chases our hero around with a gun, but there is some good news.  The guy's dead son: he's alive now.  Yeah, he gets pulled in from another dimension apparently and is alive again.  Screw you, God!  After a lot of build-up, the man realizes that he has the true power and blows up Zombie Moll with one of his own grenades.  In true Corman fashion, the house burns down.  The wife arrives just in time to greet the now-not-dead son, so all is well.  Does anyone question this bizarre miracle?  No.  The End.

This movie...is actually pretty good.  Don't get me wrong- it's weird as hell.  However, I was pretty entertained by this film.  I wish that some of it could have been strung together in a more linear fashion, but it's a minor complaint.  Sure, some of the jokes are hit and miss, but it's an overall strong package.  The acting is decent, the plot works and the practical effects are good.  It's really only when they delve into digital and rear-projection stuff that it falters.  To be fair, the right technology just didn't exist at the time.  It's not like those jerks at The Asylum who have no excuse!  If you're going to seek out a weird, horror film from the '80s, you can certainly have a good time with this one.  Will my good luck continue with Part 2?  Given that it's title is a pun, probably not.

Up next, let's look at the sequel which shares neither the characters, plot or setting.  Oh yeah, Bill Maher is here too.  Stay tuned...