My Crazy Youth: The Time That 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper was on 'Highlander: The Series'

The late Mr. Piper worked ALOT in the 1990s.  He had *mostly* walked away from Wrestling to be an Actor.

Alas, there was no Fast & Furious Franchise back then, so it was mostly a lot of TV Shows.  We've already seen him as a fake Superhero on Robocop, so let's see him sword-fighting...

Without any real warning, a surprised Duncan must fight Roddy Piper.  He's just stopped his jog, so might as well fight to the death!

Piper- here as Gallen- stops the fight when he sees someone arrive, somehow jumping down 20 feet and getting to his car to run the guy down in about 20 seconds!

I'd ask how, but, well, it's a kind of magic.

Duncan is really bothered by this, despite not knowing the guy.  He explains via flashback how he hooked up with an engaged woman back during the Civil War, but she died during the fight between him and the husband-to-be.

Pro-Tip: don't approach people having a sword fight.  Period.

He tries to find out why the guy- Tommy- was really killed and, as luck would have it, his Mother is Scottish.  She was also on Twin Peaks, since everything is connected somehow.

Speaking of connections, this secretly-bad lady was one of the Stars of Robocop: The Series.  Alas she was missing from Piper's Episode...but it still counts.

She betrayed her Father (and him killed) and was working with Gallen...until she tried to kill him and he offed her, well, off-camera.

Round 2 is a fight at the same Carnival- since Locations are expensive- and Duncan wins, getting his Quickening and/or being zapped by Thor.

Oh and Piper got *too into* the fight and cut Adrian Paul's hand.  See if you can spot it.  The End.

A solid Episode most notable for its Casting.  A little history- I wasn't allowed to watch this when it originally-aired.  I still did (sometimes), so it still counts for this segment.  I tell you all this to explain how this one is completely-new to me.  Piper really has a great time here, playing up a version of his usual wrestling character.  I loved Piper, but he was never that great of an Actor.  He was always a load of fun to watch though!  He was always so intense when the Roles called for it.  He plays this Character quite big, even when he's talking low and fairly-quiet.  Piper aside, the rest of the Story is good.  It feels a bit weird at first that so much attention is given to a dead guy never before seen on the Show.  When they go more in-depth, it makes a little more sense though.  My only real problem- they stop the narrative cold before the Third Act to recap THE ENTIRE PLOT right before the end.  Boo!  You made time for that, but not an on-camera end to one Character?!?  All that said, it is still an interesting and fun Episode.  If you barely watched/remember the Show, it holds up fine.  Piper, as always, is great fun to watch.  Need more proof?  Here you go...

An interesting Episode as a one-off.  That said, they kind of 'coddle' the Audience a bit near the end.

'80s Cult Fun: They Live

It's amazing how a topical film from around 25 years ago still feels topical today.  Today's film is They Live, a movie that I've seen before.  Why am I finally reviewing it then?  Well, the film has gotten more play in the last year with a new DVD/Blu-Ray release and a series of jokes in Saints Row IV about it.  Seriously, the game has Keith David as the Vice-President who must escape a manufactured World run by aliens.  Who helps him?  Roddy Piper, of course!  It's brilliant.  For neophytes, Live is a 1987 John Carpenter film about a man named Nada who doesn't seem to quite fit in.  When he stumbles across a box full of cheap sunglasses (not to be confused with the ZZ Top song), things change and he discovers a purpose for his life.  Can he save us all or will we just end up being overrun by the aliens?  To find out, read on...

Nada (Piper) arrives in the big city looking for work.  He has skills, but he still can't catch a break.

There is a mysterious person preaching on TV about people being controlled.  He finds it suspicious and stumbles across his lair.  They get raided by the Cops, however, and he finds a box full of black sunglasses.

All I find are bags of money.  Damn my bad luck!

When he wears them, he sees the truth.  We are being controlled by the audio-visual aspects of the world and our World is full of freaky alien guys.

The aliens don't take kindly to their plot being found out.

Oh joy- Meg Foster and her too-light eyes are here.  This one of those films that makes people just not trust her.

Oh yeah, the plot.  She is his hostage, but seems to sell him out.  He escapes and seeks help.

In the film's most famous scene, Pipe and David fight over the latter not wanting to put on the sunglasses.  This fight scene runs continuously for about 10 minutes and features almost no cuts/editing (if any).

If this seems familiar, South Park did the scene shot-for-shot with Timmy and Jimmy.  Someone on YouTube mixed the two together for convenience's sake.  Plus it's weird.

Finally convinced, David joins Piper as they find the group.  They are the resistance against this new threat, so they make a plan and bring alot of guns.

Yes, this is similar to The Matrix.  Yes, it did come out over a decade earlier.  Yes, I'm done belaboring this point.

The whole thing leads to a raid on a TV Station- which Foster works at- that broadcasts the signal that tricks us all.

For some reason, they trust Meg Foster.  She's Evil Lynn- why would you do that?!?

I won't SPOIL the whole thing here, but the truth manages to get out.  Seeing these guys in Color for the first time- freaky.  The End.

They still hold up.  Yes, the film was about Reagan-Era Consumerism and how shallow we could be.  What helps the movie out is that it never specifically identifies itself as such.  There's no Reagan analog.  There's no bad 1980's music (since Carpenter worked on the Soundtrack).  Hell, there's not really even much bad fashion to date the thing.  There are a lot of bad 1980s films that feature woman wearing those giant shoulder pads.  There are also a lot of good 1980s films that feature people wearing way too much neon and suit jackets with the sleeves rolled up.  Where They Live shines is making itself feel timeless.  So much of the Effects were done cheaply, but hold up to pretty modern scrutiny.  My Stinger is probably the most blatantly-fake and even that is a stretch to many, I'm sure.  Is Piper the best Actor out there?  No.  He works really well with the material though, something that I can't say about other films he's been in.  This film's biggest crime is giving you a Roddy Piper film of a quality that just couldn't be matched.  If you haven't seen They Live, do so now.  If you have, give it another look.  As someone who is willing to openly-criticize Directors I like- see Carpenter's Village of the Damned-, I maintain that this one is worth another look.  Take us away, most awkward thing to discover during sex...

Up next, another Project Terrible film.  If your film is not a Comedy or a Horror Film, what the hell is it?  Stay tuned...

Buy the DVD!: They Live

It has been a long time since this feature showed up.  That tends to happen alot here.

It's back, however, with a nice look at the *previous* DVD available for They Live.

As part of that, 'let's re-sell older (but mostly good) movies' trend recently (not counting Blu-Ray exporting), we've gotten a new DVD for a bunch of John Carpenter films.  The Fog, Prince of Darkness and others are getting the Grindhouse Cover-Art Treatment.

However, the DVD that was previously-released has something better than any new Commentary Track or Interviews.  Let me show you...

Granted- there's no Special Features Menu.  However, the one section they have for it is great.  Let's (virtually) click on the Recommendations link...

Yeah, they list TWO other John Carpenter films.  The man had 23 Directing Credits at this point, but two is enough.

If you can't catch the sarcasm, this is it.  The DVD features the cheap 'Here's your Special Feature' schlock that was prevalent in the early days of DVDs.

Of course, you still see this sometimes.  It's usually in the case of Rental DVDs (damn you!) or the ones for films that didn't make their money back (e.c. my Blu-Ray copy of the Conan Remake).

Good times.

No Dice: No Contest

I disagree- there is indeed a contest!  This movie is one of those '90s time capsules that has been preserved for posterity.  

Let's take a look at just what makes it 'so '90s.'  

The lead- an actress who can't act or fight, but did do some nudity in the past.  

The supporting cast- a bunch of people who were in one big movie, so they star in dozens of little movies to make them seem important.  

The villain- a comedian-turned-actor who had a marketability that would last about 13 months.  

The plot- Die Hard, but in a different location. 

 In addition, you have lots of badly-choreographed action, shooting and a bunch of technology that didn't exist back then.  I'll break it down into more detail as this review goes on.  

Let's do the Macarena as we determine that there is...

Shannon Tweed is a former-Miss Galaxy (not Universe)-turned-action-star who is hosting the event.  Her love-interest is Robert Davi.  Ew- acne scars.

A bunch of villains hijack the tournament to make a bunch of money.  Roddy Piper is one of them, since he was in They Live at one point and had a terrible agent.

The villain of this movie is the face of evil...and sexist comedy with no actual pay-off: Andrew 'Dice' Clay.  

He wears this disguise in the beginning since it's a plot point of the Die Hard Scenario film.  

Case in point: Gridlock.

Our 'John McLane' is Tweed as she wanders around the building and tries to get help.  

She's not a good substitute, but you already knew that.

I should also mention that one of the hostages is a Senator's Daughter, since she was in the Pageant.  

In addition, her only bodyguard was Davi, an older-agent with a bum leg.  No wonder you guys have low approval ratings!

Will Tweed and Davi save the day in time during the dramatic finale on the roof?  

Of course they will.

Just to mix things up (the only reason I can think of), we still get about three more action scenes after this.  

It FINALLY culminates in an action scene on an elevator.  Cue the title line (at about 86 minutes in).

With the dead man's switch on his bomb stopped by a man talking over a radio (seriously- that happens), he is shot to death by Tweed and falls into a blue screen.  

The End.

No success.  The plot of this movie is, well, Die Hard.  Some minor details have been changed- an office building turns into a hotel, a woman in the lead, etc- but the plot is still the same.  

Much like Gridlock, the movie is notable only for its casting.  Andrew 'Dice' Clay as a villain- laughable, but in the wrong ways.  Tweed as a hero- just kind of sad, really.  Piper as the lead henchman- kind of fun, albeit one note.  

If you like action films, this is one of them.  

More importantly, if you want to see what the '90s without the aid of a VH1 Clip Show, this is a great way to do it.  

It's pretty funny too.  Isn't that right, Piper?

Next up, a sci-fi action film gets the Ultimate aid.  Can it rise from a North Star and survive the Cage?  Stay tuned...

Review in Pictures: Legion- The Final Exorcism

I'm in hell!  David Heavener strikes again this month, marking the man's third appearance on Mondo Bizarro. The first time, he was the man who Wrote, Directed and Starred in Dawn of the Living Dead.  That sucked.  Next, he showed up in (Lethal Ninja) For Hire as a mulleted ninja.  That sucked too.  What makes me think that this movie will be any different?  Well...nothing.  Wait- it does have "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in it, so that could make it worthwhile.  Of course, he's also been in a ton of shitty movies that weren't called They Live over the years, so I stand by my original opinion.  Here's what you really need to know- this is not a new film.  No, this is actually a 2006 film called Costa Chica: Confessions of an Exorcist.  No, really.  It was only crapped onto the DVD market to make some cash off of the official release of that film I reviewed yesterday. To save you from the major spoilers, here is yet another Review in Pictures.  Let's pretend that this is the Colin Firth film that is also (sort of) called...

Our hero is a Preacher that specializes in Exorcism.  That's about the only comparison to the other film.

Meanwhile, a blond girl is practicing for Cirque Du Soleil.  Well, that or being possessed by (not) Pazuzu.

"Uh, Mr. Piper wandered onto the set again.  Plus, who told him to play a mentally-handicapped person?  You know that he has the range of a boulder thrown by a little girl right?"

The film is a bit confusing, as it begins In Media Res and then jumps back.  It gets bonus points for playing the opening scene TWICE.  Padding- what padding?!?

This makes David feel, well, you figure it out.  I think someone is pinching his balls.

For no good reason, our hero has flashbacks to how he was kicked out of the Church.  I won't say why, but it's a bit silly.

"Suck on this face, evil!"

"What the hell are you trying to express there?!?  I'm so confused that I lose my strength."

"Don't grab the seam of my mask- it's the source of my power!  You are one mighty Exorcist!"

Holy lame shit, Batman!  The plot of this movie is both simple and confusing.  It all has to do with our hero saving a girl from an actual demon, while also trying to get over the metaphorical demons of his past.  This is confusing because the movie begins in the future, goes to the past events and then works its way to the future again.  Between that, we get random flashbacks and cross-cutting between him and the family.  Throw in the girl's scenes, some random talking pigs (I'll get to that) and Piper's sub-plot & you get a confusing mess.  By the way, demons manifest themselves as talking pigs.  I don't know- I guess it sounded cool on paper.  Quite frankly, the whole film is just not that interesting.  There are some crazy moments, but not enough to recommend it as a comedy.  Some of you do like train wrecks though and this one definitely qualifies!  Take us away, Spanish subtitles for 'they live'...

Up next, I take a look at the mainstream (and 3-D) version of a Jules Verne classic.  Why is it always mummies?  Stay tuned...