Re-Review: Gunmen

It's all about the guns.  The short version: Christopher Lambert is a film called Mean Guns and Gunmen.  It's a weird coincidence and it is just that- a coincidence.  Regardless, they're both kind of fun films about shooting.  In both films, Lambert is not exactly a nice guy.  In both films, he is working with a black actor notable for appearing in B-Movies.  In Guns, he faces off with Ice-T.  In this film, he is friends/enemies with Mario Van Peebles.  He's great, even if his Resume includes Jaws: The Revenge and Highlander III (also with Lambert).  It is also important to note that this film was Written by Stephen Sommers.  Yes, the same guy who made The Mummy, G.I. Joe and Van Helsing.  The film also features a couple interesting Actors including Dennis Leary and Patrick Stewart.  The plot is simple: people want money, have guns and will use them to get it.  To find out how well the film holds up on a second look, read on...

Lambert is an enigmatic prisoner who knows the secret to getting at a bunch of money.

A man- Patrick Stewart- wants it.  It's nice to see that dude from Lifeforce getting a big break.  I hope things worked out for him.

A government agent- Peebles- is hot on his tail and this sets up the basic structure of the film.  People catch Lambert, Lambert ends up with Peebles, people catch Lambert, etc.

Lambert and Peebles have a whole love-hate relationship.  There's actually a plot point of them both shooting each other in the leg.

Ha ha ha- that could (and probably would) kill you.

They make up, sort of, by working together to get the money.  Hurray- they threaten and kill others!

A high point of the random action scenes: this guy doing a flying spin to 'sell' that he was shot by a rifle.  I haven't seen one guy commit so much to his craft since The Octagon.

In the End, the pair find the money and ride off into the Sunset.  The name of that boat, you ask?

It's the 'title line' of the film.  Is this the early version of 'Put the title at the end of the movie' trope?  The End.

Guns guns guns!  There's not really much to the film.  It's a bunch of action scenes strung together with a pretty loose plot.  It is interesting to see the people involved, whether its Sommers, Leary or Stewart.  Other than that, it's pretty basic.  That's not to say that it's not fun.  The problem is just that there's not much else to say about it.  Shooting, fighting and more fighting- ahoy!  The most memorable thing to me is still this image of Lambert...

Up next, another Bollywood film.  Despite being a familiar title, it is actually a rip-off of something else entirely.  Stay tuned...

Cop Land: Full Eclipse

Oh Jim Wynorski, can I never escape you?  In fairness, I actually did not know that this was one of his films until I started to watch it.  Good surprise or bad surprise- you decide!  This is a film about police officers who take an extra kick in order to get an edge on the criminals of the day.  The help comes in the form of a strange policeman and his mysterious formula to create 'super cops.'  What does this have to do with werewolves?  That's for me to know and you to find out, mister!  This is...

Full Eclipse

The movie begins with a hostage situation at a night club.  The two detectives (Mario Van Peebles and Anthony Dennison aka one of the cops on The Closer) go in through the roof's vents, although the latter does his best 'I'm getting too old for this shit' routine.  They take forever to go through the vents- which support 200-lb men- and even fail to stop a guy who stupidly stands up to the Uzi-wielding thug.  Way to be man...that is full of bullet holes.  The partner makes a noise, causing him to be shot full of holes.  It is only then that Mr. Peebles decides to drop out of the vent and kill the bad guys.  Timing is not your strong suit!  The man ends up in the hospital, but is visited by a strange man who inject something in his I.V.  He shows up the next day for work and appears to have no wounds or anything.  Someone had his V8 today!  Naturally, that morning, they run across a drive-by shooting, which leads to a major action scene.  The partner actually chases the car down on foot, while Peebles follows.  He actually wrestles with one of the guys after they steal a motorcycle!  He causes the vehicle to crash and walks out unscathed, slightly freaking out his partner.  Meanwhile, we get a sub-plot involving our hero's marriage degrading.  That was...out of nowhere, movie!

*

Before all of this can sink in, Peebles' partner shows up at a 'cop bar' and blows his brains out with a strange bullet.  This drives our hero to seek industry counseling, which leads him to a mysterious man (Bruce Payne).  He is hesitant, but shows up for 'group therapy.'  They explain that they have formed a group to enforce the laws in the way that regular cops will not.  He is not quite on-board, so they take him to watch a mission of theirs.  After injecting themselves with a mysterious fluid, they swim across a river and attack a group of mafioso.  They have crazed faces and claws, which strikes our hero as odd.  He tries to quit, but is told that he is working with them- like it or not.  He is still not convinced, even after the hot blond on the team tries to seduce him.  We get some bits of him looking into his partner's death, discovering some cryptic notes he left behind and the fact that he melted his favorite silver dollar into a bullet.  At the next meeting, he discovers that just the blond is there.  When he turns her down again, she does the natural thing: she shoots a hole in his chest!  After injecting him with the serum, his wounds heal and he does the nasty with her.  She shows signs of the same crazed face and teeth.  Want to explain this at all?

*

Entering the third act, Peebles is now on-board with the whole 'rogue cops' thing.  The group gets attacked in their van by some members of the group killed earlier, but they all walk out in pseudo-werewolf form.  Basically, they have faces like the vampires on Buffy and claws reminiscent of Subspecies' villain.  We learn, however, that there is some strife in the group.  One of them is regretting the vicious actions of the group, so he has to die.  We finally learn the truth behind the serum.  Basically, Payne's character is a 500+ year old werewolf that has been taking fluid from his brain and injecting it into the people.  That's right- werewolf juice makes you heal super-fast and become Wolverine.  Before you can let that sink in, the hero and the blond escape through a glass window, but the latter dies.  Evidently, she has been taking less and less of the serum and is human enough to die.  Really, movie?  That's like saying that Luc Devaraux's brother was frozen, but not actually a UniSol!  Anyhow, Peebles convinces the others to revolt against Payne, who finally turns into a full werewolf under the full moon!  Holy Kibakichi, Batman- what took you so long?!?  Peebles manages to kill him by causing the freighter canister they were on to fall.  We get the 'It's not over' ending in the form of Peebles and his reunited wife going around and carrying on Payne's mission of vengeance.

*

This movie is honestly quite entertaining, even if it has some serious plot issues.  There is a lot of action- pseudo werewolf and other- and it moves pretty briskly.  The whole bit with Peebles partner's transformation occurring is jarring enough to hold your interest for a while.  The acting is about as good as you are going to get from an action movie made in the '90s that was directed by Jim Wynorski.  On the plus side, Bruce Payne- aka Damadar from Dungeons & Dragons- is always fun to watch.  When the movie gets around to explaining everything, it loses a little momentum though.  The whole idea is a bit silly and never quite explained enough for most people's tastes.  The real werewolf you get at the end makes up for a lot of this, but appears pretty briefly.  If you want a fun action movie that won't make a lot of sense, give this one a rental.  It's loud, pulpy and weird enough to hold most people's attention for 90 minutes.

*

Up next, a black kung-fu star becomes an international spy.  Maybe you should lose the afro for undercover work, buddy!  Stay tuned...

Guns Guns Guns!: Gunmen

What do you get when you mix a black action star, a soon-to-be-famous action writer/director and Christopher Lambert? If you guessed, a really good movie, you would be quite a bit off. Instead, you get an action movie featuring the stars of Highlander 3 and featuring Dennis Leary as a hit man. Close enough! On top of all of that, it also has a good actor in it. They barely use him and get rid of him far too often, but he is in there...dammit. Until Tales of the Ancient Empire or Mortal Kombat 3 come out, enjoy my review of...

Gunmen

The movie is all about one thing: money, money money! A powerful drug dealer lost $40 million and really, really wants it back. What? You want more of a plot than that? Okay, I'll throw in Mario Van Peebles as a DEA Agent. As it turns out, he is pursuing the thief of the dealer as well and it's a 90's-style action race to find him. Before that all takes place, we get a disturbing scene of a lady 'riding' Christopher Lambert and him faking a scared face. I'm scarred for life now- thanks, movie.

*

The plot stumbles into really bad action cliches and pretty much never leaves them. Peebles catches Lambert and tries to get information out of him. The Frenchman tries to get away from him, all the while avoiding pot-shots from his other enemy. Dennis Leary is hot on their trail and nobody can rescue them from his sarcastic wit. Wow, even I'm embarrassed by that joke. He captures Peebles after his target leaves him in a trap. If you ever wanted to see the star of Solo dragged from a helicopter, this is your movie. He manages to escape and we are finally introduced to the villain...

*

Patrick Stewart!

*

Unfortunately, not all is well in the land of Picard, as his henchman are plotting against him. Let's not focus on that and instead work in a scene with a bunch of rappers. Sure- why not?!? Big Daddy Kane and others make appearances, but do they really add anything. Well, in the time since I watched this movie (a couple of years ago), I barely remember them being in it. I can remember a lot of things for a long time (the death scene from Orca after last watching it in my teens). When my brain blocks parts of your movie out, that says a lot.

*

The climax involves lots and lots of shooting. A running joke involves Lambert and Peebles still not trusting each other. Amidst all of the action, they both end up shooting each other in the leg. That is one weird form of male-bonding! In spite of this, neither of them get hit or killed. Don't you just love the movies. In the end, the good guys win and the bad guys lose. What else would you expect from a movie written by Steven "The Mummy" Sommers?

*

This movie is, well, very generic. Lambert and Peebles are not bad by any stretch of the imagination, but they have almost nothing to work with. One of them is wacky and the other is super-strict- oh, the originality! Leary is fun to watch, but definitely under-written as well. He stays above the fray by at least looking like he is riffing. I will not even dignify the pointlessness of Stewart's role with a snarky comment- except for this one. On the plus side, lots of shit blows up! Yeah, that is still not enough.

*

Let's give the combination of guns and Lambert one more shot. Unfortunately, this movie was directed by the guy behind Cyborg 2. Stay tuned...

Blaxplosion: Judgment Day (1999)

People always think about the two movies that compete during the summer- i.e. Dante's Peak and Volcano. What people often forget is the movies that try to grab onto the strands of interest in an attempt to make their own movie relevant. This is the idea behind today's movie. In the wake of Armageddon and Deep Impact, giant asteroids were huge...err, in movies, that is. To that extent, some producer hired a bunch of untalented black action stars and made this movie. It is...

Judgment Day

The movie sets up a very odd narrative, but, hey, let's go with it. A scientist discovers a giant asteroid coming towards the Earth. He has developed an elaborate laser weapon that can put a stop to the threat- simple enough. Unfortunately, he is kidnapped by a mysterious group (headed by Mario Van Peebles) before he can do this. For some reason, we cannot just use his device (I guess the instructions were in Esperanto or something), so we need a Plan B. This comes in the form of a female FBI agent, who is tasked with finding him. Their only way to get him is with the help of a convicted Felon (Ice-T), who used to be a part of the cult. Can you say 48 Hours, kids?

*

Our two heroes do not get along, so this 105 minutes is sure going to be fun. Meanwhile, our scientist friend is held in a giant cage and guarded by, wait for it, "Tiny" Lister. Geez, weren't there any good black actors available? Hell, Tony Todd and Keith David could probably have freed up a weekend or two for you. What's next- Coolio? Oh crap, there he is. He provides a lead to help find the man at his hide-out, conveniently located in a poor (read:empty) section of L.A. In the movies lone good move, the questionably-haired man is killed in a shooting battle between our heroes and the evil gang. Want to know why they are the way they are?

*

In a long monologue, Melvin's son explains that his group is a very strict Christian group (read:cult). They want to keep the man from stopping the asteroid, since they view it as God's instrument of retribution. They tend to view it as the opposite of the biblical flood, since, according to the book, He promised only that he would not use water again to cleanse the Earth. It is one thing to think crazy stuff like that- it is another thing to doom the Earth. Well, what else should we expect from Highlander 3's Kane?

*

As the movie goes on, we get some serious acting...attempts from "Tiny" Lister. The scientist tries to convince him that he should be free and questions his values. He seriously considers this moral dilemma. Excuse me, that is what we are supposed to see. In reality, he appears to just be constipated. Despite Peebles interruptions, he does free the scientist in time for Ice-T and his partner's arrival. He gets a belly full of lead in return for this. Two films with Lister and two deaths- good odds. We get more boring shoot-outs (maybe I am just jaded) in a dark, cheap setting. Eventually, Thomas Payne (Peebles) is killed and the scientist is able to avert disaster. Well, except for the one in Peru and a couple other ones. He is able to avert most of the disaster- close enough.

*

This movie is pretty bad. It is not 'I want to kill myself' bad (Blood Freak), 'I want to at least maim myself' bad (Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy) or 'I want to scoop my eyes out with a spoon' bad (Wild Zero). With a more competent set of actors, the movie could be more than passable. I get that you wanted to be like 48 Hours and Armageddon, but you could have aimed higher with your casting. To be fair, we need to take a long, hard look at the man behind the whole film: John Terlesky. That's right, the man who played the title hero in Deathstalker II directed this movie. The man who made Fire Serpent and Cerberus directed this. I should also mention that he was one of the credited writers on Warbirds, a film about WWII fighter pilots battling dinosaurs. Need I say anymore?

*

Let's keep the Peebles theme going with a classic action film by a future star director. Oh wait, I'm wrong about one of those things. To find out which, stay tuned...