Tubi Thursday: Blade The Iron Cross (2020)

 Oh joy- another killer Puppet.  I needed one more for my punch card.

What do I win?  More Full Moon Films?
Joy.

Three years after the last proper Puppet Master Film, we got this Film, which takes one Actor from that Film and one Puppet.
Sadly, it's not Paul Logan and Pinhead in a Buddy Cop Film.

Psychic Daughter is now the Lead as a Year has passed and she's a Reporter.

She doesn't have enough serum for Blade to be reanimated but kept him all the same.

As is the recent trend with Full Moon and these Films, the Villains are- say it with me- more Nazis.

Yes, another Nazi Scientist and another evil plan.

What are they up to?

Blade gets a few chances to shine here as Nazi Agents work to enact their evil plan, which involves Toulon's Serum and 'a drop of electromagnetic energy.'

Yep, a drop.

Can our Heroine use her newfound/completely changed powers to save America from American Nazis?

Something something Richard Spencer being punched.  You get it.

To find out, stream the Film now.

More of the same, which is not exactly a big compliment.  Puppet Master Films have never been amazing- let's just be honest.  Trust me- I own the first NINE OF THEM.

There are good ones.  There are bad ones.  There are very bad ones!

In this case, nothing really, really bad happens.  The usual cheapness is on display yet again.  To show a new Setting, we get a random shot of a building with minor tweaking- usually CGI to put a sign on it- for a good thirty seconds and then everything plays out on a disconnected Interior Set.

They kept up the trick of having the Puppet move via man in suit digitally composed onto the background, which is nice.  There's not too much of it, unfortunately though.  

In its place, more puppet flailing, hand obviously just out of frame and other such tricks to make it look like this 5–7-inch puppet is somehow taking down fully grown people.

Thankfully there's not much CGI blood here- so another positive.

This is the kind of low-budget Film that doesn't aspire to be much and achieves that goal nicely.  I'm working on my backhanded compliments- I hope you like them.

I'll leave you with this Character making the face I make every time I hear about another Puppet Master or Evil Bong Film...

If you're familiar with how Full Moon Films play and feel today, this is no different.  It's just a shame that Blade is sidelined for 2/3 of the runtime.

Compendium: The 'Puppet Master' Series

 There's A LOT of these Films!

I didn't do them all at once either.

Let's make this easier for everyone, shall we?
(Oh, and I'm going in Film Release Order)

1) Puppet Master- MONDO BIZARRO: Pull the Strings!: Puppet Master (mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com)

2) Puppet Master 2- MONDO BIZARRO: Pull the Strings!: Puppet Master II (mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com)

3) Puppet Master 3: Toulon's Revenge- MONDO BIZARRO: Pull The Strings!: Puppet Master III (mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com)

4) Puppet Master 4- MONDO BIZARRO: Pull the Strings!: Puppet Master IV- The Demon (mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com)

5) Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter- MONDO BIZARRO: Pull the Strings!: Puppet Master V (mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com)

* Pause for laughter *

6) Curse of the Puppet Master- MONDO BIZARRO: Pull the Strings!: Curse of the Puppet Master (mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com)

7) Retro Puppet Master- MONDO BIZARRO: Pull The Strings!: Retro Puppet Master (mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com)

8) Puppet Master: The Legacy (the Stock Footage one)- MONDO BIZARRO: Great Moments in Stock Footage: Puppet Master- The Legacy (mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com)

9) Puppet Master: Axis of Evil- MONDO BIZARRO: Pull the Strings!: Puppet Master- Axis of Evil (mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com)

10) Puppet Master: Axis Rising- MONDO BIZARRO: Moon Over Miami: Puppet Master X- Axis Rising (mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com)

11) Puppet Master: Axis Termination- MONDO BIZARRO: Tubi Thursday: Puppet Master- Axis Termination (2017) (mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com)

12) Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich- COMING SOON (Maybe)

13) Puppet Master: Doktor Death- COMING SOON (probably)

Bonus Content

1) The 'Puppet Master' Timeline (to a point)- MONDO BIZARRO: The *Comprehensive* Puppet Master Timeline (mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com)

2) Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys (2004)- N/A

3) Blade: The Iron Cross- COMING SOON 

Tubi Thursday: Puppet Master- Axis Termination (2017)

 After a long, long break, I'm back with Full Moon's most famous Series. 

To be fair, this one didn't come out until 2 years after my last Review (of the 2012 Film), so we're kind of even.

Will this be a welcome return with...

The 2012 Film Axis Rising ended with our 2 Heroes escaping with the Dolls, but the bad guys got some of the fluid to make their own.

Well, unlike Commenters thought, this ending is paid off.

Our Heroes are immediately shot by a Nazi spy...who is immediately shot by The Guy From Ballistica.

You couldn't have shot the bad guy like 20 seconds earlier?!?

The Nazis are still at it, but this time it is all about the magic.

It's vague and 'glowy,' with pretty much the same effects from Retro Puppet Master...a Film they made 18 years earlier.

All you need to know is that there's an evil lady and a dude, plus a random French Psychic.

A short man's...er poor man's Peter Dinklage is an Occult Expert who has to work with Logan on the case.

I could repeat my 'I smell a Sitcom' joke, but this Film was released as Episodes originally, so....

With magic and dark Science on their side, the Nazis seem hard to stop.

Can our Heroes save the day?

Can the sometimes important, but often neglected Puppets help them out?

Well, I'm pretty sure I know how the end of WWII happened, but to find out, stream the Film now.

Could I have gone another 7 years without watching one of these?  Well, it wasn't nearly that bad.

To be honest, the issue with these Films is that they are just so damn cheap looking and feeling.  I know that Full Moon isn't Marvel Studios.  Hell, it isn't even one of those Studios that makes Mumblecore Films.  Even so, it is just so...cheap looking.

A plus- they used CGI and people in suits to actually show you the Puppets moving in full frame.
A negative- they use CGI blood all of the time and I hate it.

To compensate, they put in lots of low-budget gore involving blood spray and the like.  I don't mind it, but some of the uses are weird.  They do this prolonged bit where a random Nazi Guard is mutilated, while a main Villain is just punched out and choked.  Huh?!?

At this point the Timeline of these- especially with the Comics too- is Swiss Cheese, but credit where credit is due for trying to wrap things up.  It's like putting a band aid on Hans Gruber after he falls from the Nakatomi Plaza (gotta work those Christmas jokes in now!), of course.

On the plus side, they kept the Werewolf Puppet and ditched the guy on the right.

At this point, it's probably better to just finish these Films off, right?  Well, unless someone famous died today...

Moon Over Miami: Puppet Master X- Axis Rising

I eagerly await the 3 people who will disagree with me.  Today's Film is Puppet Master X- Axis Rising, a Film which is somehow the 10th Film even though the last one was too.  I don't expect logic in a Series in which the 7th Film is actually first in Chronological Order.  As a bonus, that one apparently isn't Canon anymore- okay.  It has been years since I did one of these Films, even though I literally own all of them- save this one.  Can you blame me?  In the previous Film, Nazis came for Toulon's formula to make Puppets come to life, but he killed himself (in the first Scene of the 1st Film).  Shortly after that, some other guy found it and ended up fighting the Axis.  Those evil Krauts, Japs and Italians (not featured) wanted to stop our efforts in WWII- in 1939.  Yes, before we fought the War, they wanted to stop us from fighting the War!  My head!  That Film ended with a Cliffhanger of sorts as Tunneler (the one with a drill on his head) is stolen by the fake-Chinese-but-actually-Japanese-lady (played by a Chinese Lady!!!!) at the end.  What will our Heroes do?  Will this fit into the Continuity even slightly?  To find out, read on...

The evil Japanese Lady- Recast for this Cameo- gives Tunneler (which she stole) to the Nazis and doesn't play a part anymore.  You can't handle Nazis and evil Japanese Spies, audience!

Our Heroes- now with  both Recast- talk about what they need to do.

Kudos for pointing out that calling the Japanese person a 'Dragon Lady' is wrong.  Lack of kudos for making that a meaningless point with her not being important anymore.

The evil SS Girlfriend offends her boyfriend enough that he kills her!  He presses the kidnapped Austrian Scientist to revive her...but it fails.  Plan B!

In keeping with Full Moon's cultural sensitivity, here is another evil Puppet- Kamikaze.

Stay classy.

With the Ninja puppet (new Doll #17) gone, they make Gunslinger to help even the odds.

Of course, Toulon used this same doll in 1941 Germany (while ALIVE!!!), so how the hell does this work?

Here's where this Film really fails.  We see the Puppets do battle as the Climax begins...and we never see the resolution.  How do you screw something like this up?

Since I don't care about SPOILERS in this instance, we see the evil Nazi get killed by the Puppets...

...and Kamikaze blows up, after spending over half the Film running around like he was about to.

In the aftermath, our dumb heroes let the Austrian Scientist go free...but he takes a vial of the Formula with him.  To be continued (as an insult to Continuity)?  The End.

This is about as bad as I expected.  It has been awhile since I watched one of these Films and they, as a whole, just don't work for me anymore.  It feels weird to say this, but the early Films actually had (generally) better effects.  There seemed to be very little (good) effort to actually use the Puppets as, well, Puppets.  They barely move and shake the things around in this Film.  It is almost like they don't want to use the Puppets, but also can't help but use the Puppets.  If they don't care, why should I?  I should also note that the man behind Full Moon is the Director here.  Is it weird that I almost miss David DeCoteau?  Yes, he makes those 1313 Films, but also Directed the best Film in this Franchise.  The closest thing we get is the new Star being from a 1313 Film already.  The Recasting and Continuity issues- Why does our Hero have a house now?  How did the other Puppets un-kidnap themselves?- are just the icing dollops on this disappointing Cake.  Sadly, this Cake isn't a lie- it just sucks.  On the plus side, here is this one shot that would never be put in by David DeCoteau...

Next up, a modern Horror Film that seeks to be retro.  Is Cabin in the Woods a Genre now?  Stay tuned...

WTF Lost in Translation Cover Art: Puppet Master- The Legacy

I wasn't looking for this...but I have to use it.

While looking for some images on Google to spruce up my 'review' of the almost-entirely-clip-show Puppet Master film, I found this French/French Canadian poster for the film...

Do you see what the problem is?

Well, if you don't, here's an unused Poster for another Full Moon film- made a bit later- to help solve this riddle for you...

As has been documented online by now, The Gingerdead Man was going to be CG at one point.  They changed their mind (and shockingly made it a puppet).

In spite of that, someone stuck his mug on a Poster for a different film entirely.  Say it with me...

What.  The.  Hell?!?

The *Comprehensive* Puppet Master Timeline

Does the Puppet Master series have a solid chronology?  Well, let's see...

1902: A sorcerer steals magic from an Egyptian God and gives the secret to Toulon. (Retro Puppet Master)

***Missing History***

1912: Andre Toulon tours Egypt with his Faust show (various Puppet Master films)

***Missing History***

1926: While in Egypt, a dark-haired Toulon is given the secrets of reanimating dolls from a Wizard.  (Puppet Master 2)

1939: Toulon goes to America- the Bodega Bay Inn, specifically- while fleeing the Nazis.  He commits suicide. (Puppet Master)

-A worker takes Toulon's dolls from the Bodega Bay Inn and battles Nazis. (Puppet Master: Axis of Evil, Axis Rising and Axis Termination)

***Missing History.

1941: Toulon battles Nazis in Germany.  He escapes to America. (Puppet Master 3)

-Toulon's grave at the Bodega Bay Inn is dated as 1941. (Puppet Master 2)

1989: Toulon's dolls end up in an evil psychic's hands at the Bodega Bay Inn.  He's killed by the dolls. (Puppet Master)

1990: The dolls resurrect Toulon and he turns evil.  He is killed (well, again) by the dolls.  (Puppet Master 2)

1993: A young man finds Toulon's dolls back in their chest while watching the Bodega Bay Inn and fights the evil Egyptian God. (Puppet Master 4)

1994: The young man fights the God again, vanquishing him once and for all with the help of Toulon's spirit. (Puppet Master 5)

1998: A scientist buys Toulon's dolls (in the chest again) and does experiments on people.  He's killed by the dolls.  (Curse of the Puppet Master)

2004: A woman seeks out Toulon's secret and kills Rick (from Puppet Master 4).  She confronts a new Puppet Master (no previous film).  He kills her, but is confronted by the dolls. (Puppet Master: The Legacy)



So, does that answer your question?  I thought so.

Pull the Strings!: Curse of the Puppet Master

Just leave it alone.  Seriously, just stop!  In 1994, Full Moon released Puppet Master 4 (The Demon) and Puppet Master 5 (The Final Chapter).  The series was meant to go off in a different direction (more on that later this week), but that didn't quite pan out.  Jump ahead to 1998 and the series was back...for some reason.  Was there a big need here?  Of course, this revival led to this film, Retro Puppet Master, Puppet Master: The Legacy and Puppet Master vs. The Demonic Toys.  Let me be the first person to say this: thanks a ton!  This film is quick to toss out continuity and toss in stock footage.  You fools- you got it backwards!  Regardless, I'm going to be done with this series once I wrap up this review.  Let's go fetch the gun and take Old Yeller out back.  Get out your randomly-gray room for my review of...

The film begins out in the woods with a man doing something secretive.  I'm sure it's nothing evil or creepy at all.  Sometime later at a gas station, some jerks pick on a guy who clearly outweighs them by fifty pounds.  Oh, he's apparently one of those 'big guys that can't fight back,' so it all makes sense.  Wait- no, it doesn't!  An old man and his daughter intercede, the former picking a fight with the kids.  That's...random.  He hires the big guy to work for him, offering him a nicer job that doesn't involve pumping gas.  Of course, this guy has found something else he wants to pump: the guy's daughter.  She's 'Full Moon Hot' (translation: okay for a '90s chick), but she plays hard to get.  In fact, when she finally makes a move, she inadvertently causes him to cut his finger open.  That night, our hero wakes up to find his body opened up and full of doll parts.  That's really neat except...it's a dream.  How can you pad out your film and piss off your audience with fake-out moments in one fell swoop?  Pointless dream sequence- that's how!  By the way, want to know why I'm not talking about the dolls?  It's because they haven't done shit so far!

Finally, the action begins to pick up a bit as our hero and the girl go out on a date.  It's just walking around, since this movie's on a budget tighter than Chinese Finger-Cuffs.  They get confronted by the jerks from before, who have designs on going 'family-style' on the gal.  Her guy intercedes and starts choking one of them.  When he stops, they just sort of leave.  Hey guys, you outnumber him five-to-one.  That night, the girl settles in for bed, only for the same jerk to show up.  Welcome to Stock Footage Hell, people (not to confused with the segment)!  Pinhead goes from sitting on a table inches from the guy, followed by gray stock footage of him running on the ground to suddenly jumping at the guy!  That's...not even close to good.  To make matters worse, this little bit of puppet/stock footage action ends in the guy tossing Pinhead away and stomping on him.  You're worse than the original film at making them look like a threat!  Our hero and the professor help rebuild him.  In a silly sub-plot, a Sheriff (played by the same guy who was the co-star of Trancers 6) suspects that the professor has been up to no good.  By the way, this has to be addressed.  Where did the professor get the dolls?  He bought them.  Yes, I guess the guy from Puppet Master 4/5 got bored with them and just gave up fighting evil.  Lame.  They toss in yet another pointless dream sequence too, by the way.

As it turns out, the guy is pretty evil.  He's been experimenting with Toulon's puppets in order to find out a way to make his own.  As such, he hires young men, uses them as guinea pigs and then dumps the bodies.  Our heroine discovers this when she digs up the puppet remains of the last assistant!  Before that can happen, we need some of the only Puppet Master-style moments of the film.  Blades and Tunneler go to the attempted-rapist's place and kill him while he's working out...alone...at night.  Two things to note here.  First, you get to see a kill that would later show up in Doll Graveyard (only changed slightly).  Second, way to show one of the guys' hands while moving Tunneler.  Since they were too cheap to make new stop-motion, they just wiggled the dolls up and down.  Lame!  All of this leads up to the professor making an experiment out of our hero.  He is nearly done with it when the Sheriff and his Deputy arrive.  They get killed by the dolls in some decent action, although it too has stock footage in it a bit.  Nice of you to overcompensate on the blood for the Third Act too.  Both of them die and the girl sees the experiment go off.  Our hero has his, um, energy put into a robot-looking doll.  Not surprisingly, he zaps the old man just after the dolls show solidarity against him and cut him to ribbons.  Oh good, I wanted to see the ending of Puppet Master 1 and 2 again!  The End.

This movie sucks!  The plot is stupid and barely involves the dolls.  It could have been Killjoy 12 or Demonic Toys 8, just with different stock footage in it!  The dolls barely appear in the film because this movie was made so cheaply that they couldn't afford to make new stop-motion effects!  I know that I've mentioned that a couple of times now, but it bears repeating.  How can you not afford that?!?  Furthermore, why did you think that your 'disguise' would work?  Aside from this, the actual story is pretty lame.  The characters are stock, the plot moves slower than a fat guy trying to walk while holding a fart in and the special effects are done way too much at the end.  It's kind of like watching Roger Corman's The Raven and it's crazy 'magic duel' at the end.  The difference is that I like that movie.  It's fun, silly and gets what it's point is.  This movie does none of that and sullies the name of Full Moon.  I didn't think that it was possible, but things have changed.  Give me randomly-evil Toulon or puppets fighting mummies any day of the week over this shit!

Next up, we take a break from tiny things and go big.  I mean, sea monsters fighting rednecks big!  Stay tuned...
  

Pull the Strings!: Puppet Master V

We're in the home stretch, people!  After Puppet Master 4 was released, this film was practically in post-production.  With a mere six months between them, these two films feel like one, long story.  Mind you, the run-times for both films are just over an hour, so they basically are one, normal film!  It's kind of like how I mentioned in my review of the Trancers series that all 6 films were equal to the theatrical cuts of LoTR: The Fellowship of the Ring & The Two Towers.  That's not even getting into the Director's Cuts either.  Back to the subject at hand, this film brings back the previous two leads, as well as the puppets.  No new puppets this time, so why bother?  Seriously, every film introduces a new one- save for this one.  That's the inherit problem in filming movies back-to-back like this: they feel the same.  Subspecies II ended abruptly in order to finish the story in Subspecies III, while Trancers IV crapped out an ending...only to ruin it for Trancers V.  Will this film suffer the same fate or will it buck the trend?  Get out your tiny police stations for my review of...

The film begins with about five minutes of recapping the last film.  If you want to make a two-part film, label it as such!  When you just make two films together, you force yourself to do a stupid recap segment for anyone coming on-board for the first time.  Side note: who would go see Puppet Master 5 as their first entry to series exactly?  Anyhow, our hero is being questioned for the murders of the two scientists from the early part of the last film.  See, I told you that it wouldn't matter until now.  Despite him being nowhere near the building, they're convinced that he's guilty.  They try and rationalize it by saying that he must have sent robots out to do the deed.  As a bonus, they have video footage of her attack, yet the demon puppet is just off-frame.  Of course, that works out so well for you!  He has set free temporarily by his new boss, who has plans of his own.  He wants the secret that Toulon hid as well.  Meanwhile, our hero meets up with his girlfriend, who is looking over the psychic lady from the last film.  Apparently, she's in a coma of sorts.  I'm not really sure why, but whatever.  The evil monster from the last film also rears his ugly, puppet head.  He uses his magical powers to channel his spirit through her and into a new doll.  Yes, this movie is built around a single, killer doll.  You guys ever hear of escalation?

Back at the hotel, our hero is not having a good time.  It may have something to do with a secret meeting that his new boss has with...the Bartender from Feast?  Yeah, he's in the movie.  This marks the second, random film that he's shown up in.  You're worse than MadTV's Michael McDonald!  The people send in some flunkies to steal the formula from the hotel.  Gee, you're clearly in this movie just to be killed.  I guess they couldn't just kill Jerk Boyfriend again.  Sure enough, these guys exist to pad out the run-time by wandering around for a bit before being killed by the demon puppet.  The now-heroic dolls face off with the puppet, but find success is not as easy.  Their tiny bullets and blades are no match for it's...CG lightning.  So, you're not only a demonic God from another dimension attacking the real world with a puppet, but now you can shoot lightning?  Alright then.  The puppets retreat to fight another day.  Unfortunately, Toulon didn't stash another puppet in the walls, so back-up is not going to come.  Ruh roh.

As the battle presses on, all hope seems to be lost.  Fortunately, a Deus Ex Machine arrives in the form of Andre Toulon.  Despite him not really presenting much power before- save the 'head appearing on the puppet' trick from the last film- he has it now.  He leads his puppets in spirit for one last attack, where they manage to whittle down the demon doll's body.  He summons a portal to escape to live and fight another die. He's stopped by Toulon, however, who expends his last bit of energy to stop him.  The puppets finish him off and save the day.  I guess the monster is dead or something- it's not really clear.  Toulon does the 'head appearing on the doll' trick one more time to officially christen our hero as the new Puppet Master.  His adventures would continue on for years to come.  No, not really.  This is The Final Chapter, after all.  The End.

This movie...is just kind of 'eh.'  The plot is simple enough: the monster is back for another attempt at victory. It could work...but it just feels like a rehash.  If you want to view this as one story (and thus, one film), the first film is basically the First and middle of the Second Act.  They've turned back the enemy for the time being, but it's not a final victory.  It's only in the remaining half and Third Act that the story is actually resolved.  Do you want to watch a half film?  On top of that, it wasn't exactly a great first half of a film to begin with.  The stop-motion work is good, as usual.  Like in the other film though, it's not all that great.  It doesn't match up to the better moments in the series that we've already seen.  That's what happens when you make 9 films though- some of them just aren't as good.  Honestly, the biggest problem for the movie is this: the lack of merit.  Why does it exist?  It would be one thing if it was billed as Puppet Master 4- Part II.  As a separate film, it has the old villains, the old actors and the old sets.  More importantly, they don't introduce a new puppet.  What's a Puppet Master film without a new doll to shill?  Sorry, but you're the middle child in this movie family.

Next up, we wrap the Puppet Master series with Curse of the Puppet Master.  Naturally, it follows a film subtitled The Final Chapter.  Stay tuned...

Pull the Strings!: Puppet Master IV- The Demon

When is enough 'enough?'  This is clearly not a question asked by the folks over a Full Moon Studios.  After all, they have made 3 Killjoy films, 4 Demonic Toys films (counting the Vs. movies) and 5 Subspecies films (counting Vampire Diaries).  Of course, the big Kahuna is Puppet Master, which has 9 films from Full Moon and a 10th one made by the Sci-Fi Channel's team.  I'm just over half-way through them now, so let's not sit around with our hands in our pockets.  Puppet Master 4 (aka Puppet Master 4: The Demon) was made on a shoe-string budget, which was aided by it being made in conjunction with Puppet Master 5.  Yes, it joins the elite ranks of Trancers IV, Subspecies II and LoTR: The Two Towers.  Note to 'Ringers:' hacks can do Peter Jackson's ideas too (and before him)!  This film ignores the cliffhanger/twist endings of both Puppet Master and Puppet Master 2, as well as merely referencing Part 3 (since that was a prequel).  We get a new lead, but Toulon actor Guy Rolfe manages to show up too.  How does a doubly-dead guy appear?  Well, if you don't know, prepare to laugh your asses off when you find out.  All of the dolls are back and joined by a new one: Decapitron.  Sorry, Full Moon- you won't ever live up to that kick-ass name!  Get out your $1,000,000 Laser Tag gloves for my review of...

The film begins in another dimension where a giant puppet talks to a bunch of guys in skull masks.  Context?  Hello?  Hello?  This is apparently the evil creature that the secret of the puppets came from.  Mind you, it was not made clear in Puppet Master 3 (especially with Toulon's contradictory statement about it's source) and it was not clear until Retro Puppet Master- a movie made about five years after this one.  Anyhow, he's mad at Toulon for stealing it, so he's going to get revenge on...this random guy.  Why him?  Because he's the caretaker for the famous hotel that was the setting for the first two films.  How is that still open?  It was the scene of numerous murders in the first film and was the subject of a government study in the second.  Before I have time to ask more questions, I have to note that the villain's tiny monsters kill a pair of scientists.  This serves no purpose until Puppet Master 5, so let's move on.  Apparently, our hero is assigned to be the hotel's caretaker in the Summer.  The guy is a super-genius who is trying to crack the secret of artificial intelligence and how to put it into robots.  Just so you know who to blame when Skynet takes over the world, it's his fault!  He tests this by playing Laser Tag with his Battle Bot rejects.  Full Moon plots- grounded in reality!  He has some friends over, as well as his girlfriend.  Nice of that abandoned hotel to give him a pointless job and let him invite strangers in too!  The pair are boyfriend and girlfriend, despite having no chemistry.  Oh yeah, the girlfriend is a psychic and senses an omen.  I can too- this movie has nearly an hour left!

Our two macho guys discover a chest in the basement that houses Toulon's dolls.  It sure was nice of the puppets to put themselves back in the chest and lock it from the outside, huh?  The guys break it open against the psychic girl's wishes and find Toulon's passport, but eventually learn that he wasn't really a Nazi.  Nice of you to simultaneously assume that we saw Puppet Master 3 and also spoil the ending in one fell swoop!  When the group splits up, the psychic girl decides to play with a Ouija Board.  Yes, they apparently still made those in 1994.  The evil monster puppet uses this as a gateway to bring his stop-motion creations into our dimension.  Side note: why does the guy have doll henchmen sent to Earth when he has human-size henchmen in the other world?  I'm sure that there is a reason, but do you really think that I want to know it?  The stop-motion killers convince the couple to leave, but the guy gets killed in the car.  Naturally, the girlfriend runs back inside...for safety.  Oh, Jerk Boyfriend- how I'll miss you.  You'll get your moment at the end of the review, so don't worry.  When the monsters go after our heroes, the dolls intercede.  The things already proved that they can play Laser Tag, so they must be great at actual combat.  Side note: Six-Shooter is in this chest, but wasn't in it for Puppet Master or Puppet Master 2.  Huh?  A pair of the dolls take out one of the tiny demons, sending a CG lightning bolt into the other dimension and killing one of the servants.  With a body count of 3, I'm sure terrified.

Despite winning their battles so far, the dolls feel the need to bring out another experimental doll from a different chest.  Of course, Toulon stashed into a hiding place other than the one where he put his original dolls, the Ninja doll from Axis of Evil, Six-Shooter and the one where he apparently stashed Torch.  For a guy who was caught off-guard by the Nazis, he sure did plan ahead!  This doll is Decapitron, whose gimmick is that he has multiple heads.  One of them is plastic and gray, which allows him to be a vessel for Toulon's spirit.  Guy Rolfe starred in Ivanhoe (the movie- not the shitty Showtime show based on it) and he's reduced to being a cameo as a head CG-ed onto a doll!  Seriously, who thought of this?  He explains that the second head is the most powerful, but can only be activated by ripping off moments from James Whale's Frankenstein.  It's basically a TV with small Tesla coils on the side and machine guns on the front- not that he ever seems to use the latter.  With only one villainous doll left- after another was taken out by Blade and Pinhead- the new puppet shoots lighting from it's head and kills it.  The monster is pissed, Rolfe has a second, silly cameo and our hero hints that his battle is just beginning.  Don't worry- it will end abruptly after Puppet Master 5. The End.

This movie...is trying too hard.  The plot is alright, but requires you to accept things that you shouldn't.  The dolls' origin continues to change, now introducing the magical element into the film proper.  How did the dolls get re-locked in their chest?  I should also add that our heroes mention that the lock appears to be 'fifty years old.'  Why reference the third film's plot set-up if you're just going to piss all over the first and second films?  I can only figure that Charles Band has really bad long-term memory.  He only seems to remember the last film in any series and just makes new shit up.  Case in point: the dolls are inject with fluid through their stomachs, as opposed to the pre-set holes in the necks from the last three films!  I know it's a minor point, but these things stand out in a series that pretends to be in order.  I can excuse the Blind Dead quadrilogy for stuff like this, since the films never actually sync up- nor do they pretend to.  This film is all about 'the legacy of Andre Toulon,' but can't get it right!  He's French (with no accent), then he's a brunette with a Hungarian accent, followed by French with a Spanish accent and finally the rich guy from Tales from The Darkside: The Movie.  Before you think that I do nothing but bitch, I can say that the stop-motion looks good here.  Honestly though, it looked better in 2 and 3.  Keep an eye out for where a human hand subs for Pinhead's in a close-up shot too.  If you like the series, you can do worse.  Of course, the mediocrity of 2 and the not-crappy nature' of 3 make them better choices.  This is a cash-in, simple as that.  Take it away, out-of-context shot of the boyfriend (see- I told you so)!

Next up, we get the second part of the story.  I sure hope it's almost exactly the same as what I just watched!  Stay tuned...

Pull the Strings!: Puppet Master II

Charles Band won't leave us alone, so I guess I can't either.  We've officially reached the halfway point in the series, so, naturally, we're covering Part II.  I hate trying to analyze Full Moon films!  This film comes right off of the ending of Part 1, which is a rare thing to see in the series.  Mind you, there are no returning actors and only the same location, but it's an attempt.  This one is the odd one of the bunch, which is saying a lot.  Basically, Andre Toulon is evil now.  It only lasted for this film and wasn't even addressed again, save for in clips from Puppet Master: The Legacy.  I guess they wanted to try something new and then changed their mind about it.  Regardless, we have more killing, more puppets and some freaky-ass stuff overall.  Get out your random pieces of flesh for my review of...

The film begins with a group of people arriving at the same hotel from Puppet Master.  Same grainy shot of the hotel, by the way.  You guys never thought about cleaning that up or making a new one, huh?  Anyways, this group is from the American Paranormal Investigation Unit.  Fun Fact: that doesn't exist!!!  They are investigating claims made by the sole survivor of the incident that occurred there one year earlier.  What happened to the woman who appeared to master Toulon's formula?  She apparently fell into a Black Hole or something, I guess.  Don't you just love Full Moon cliffhangers that amount to nothing?  As another side note, take note of the really bad early '90s fashion worn by everyone, but especially the lead actress.  Back to the plot as our heroes investigate the place.  For all their joking and bravado, they scare instantly when a dish crashes against a wall.  The group is made up of our lead actress, her boyfriend, a horny brunette and a guy with a goatee.  The only noticeable thing about him is that he cracks jokes, questions everything and wears white shorts with a jacket.  Why did anyone ever do that?

Things turn bad one night when Tunneler breaks into the brother's room at night and gives him a frontal lobotomy.  That's what you get for watching Session 9!  The others burst in and smash the thing, but the damage is done.  The group analyzes the doll and sees that it has complex, moving parts.  They also run some sort of scanner over the thing to see that it has a form of blood flowing through it.  Did that technology exist in 1989, at least as far as one that could be hooked up to a Commodore 64?  Around this time, we get to meet another character.  She's a mean, old lady who thinks that something bad is going to happen.  After getting a bad vision, she says that she plans to leave that night.  While packing, she's attacked by Blade and Pinhead, who drag her off.  She's not unconscious or anything; she just can't muster the strength to stand up.  We also meet a pair of country folk who apparently live close to the hotel.  I'm not clear on why there's a farm and a house so close to a hotel built on a cliff, but whatever.  They try to explain that the hotel was built there as a spiritual chamber or something, but I really don't care.  Just when things look bleak, a freaky man covered in gauze and speaking with a Hungarian accent shows up.  Great- who invited Lon Chaney?!?

Big shock- the guy in the rags is actually Andre Toulon, now back from the dead after having his potion poured on him by the dolls in the beginning.  Yet again, this is not how the potion works in later films- continuity is for jerks and losers!  In a flashback, we see Toulon performing in 1912 with his Faust show.  They would show the poster in other films, so here's why!  A guy who looks like Moses shows up, sets the dolls aflame with his magic & offers Toulon and his bride Elsa a set of new dolls that work without strings.  Besides the obvious continuity change from what was established in Retro Puppet Master, you also have to accept that older Toulon had brown hair and a Hungarian accent, despite being blond with a French accent 10 years earlier.  The dolls up their body count by killing the farmer (off-camera) and eventually toasting the woman.  In another confusing bit, Leech Woman is killed and just sort of returns later in Puppet Master 6.  Watch for the stage hand catching a falling lamp before Blade kills the slutty lady too.  We learn that Toulon has a hard-on for reanimating Elsa, who he thinks inhabits the lead actress' form.  Her new man- a guy so dull that I didn't even mention him- fights past the puppets, but arrives too late to stop Toulon reviving himself in a giant, doll body.  For no reason, the other puppets turn on him and kill him.  In the end, they are driving off with Elsa, now in a giant, female doll body.  Another cliffhanger that wasn't ever resolved- perfect!  The End.

This movie is...okay, I guess.  The plot is alright, setting up the dolls to just kill some people- albeit with a focus.  It's hard to look past the elephant in the room though- Toulon being evil.  Where does that come from?  Why does he do it?  Assuming you believe in an after-life of sorts, he spent about fifty years with her there, so why the experiment?  Let's not forget that this plot thread has no bearing on Puppet Master 4, 5 and 6, which all take place after it in the story.  The stop-motion work is genuinely good here, especially some bits with Torch and a kid.  Like all Full Moon films though, the scene in question is just kind of there and serves no real purpose.  In spite of their otherwise good work, some noticeable Goofs occur.  Aside from the obvious stage hand's cameo mentioned before, we also see a good bit of another man's hand as he moves Jester around for the finale.  Seriously, what does Jester freaking do?!?  He never kills anyone that I can think of, so why is he there?  The new puppet Torch is good, but feels kind of weird.  By the way, why is he in Puppet Master 4, but not Puppet Master 6?  I really don't know the answer.  This is a stronger film as a whole than the original honestly, but it still lacks some real focus in the early parts.  It's better than stuff like Retro Puppet Master, but not as good as Part 3.

Next up, we jump to Part 4 in the series- which is part one of a two-part story.  I hope it can live up to the standard set by Trancers IV and V.  Stay tuned...

Pull the Strings!: Puppet Master

The year was 1988.  

A man named Charles Band had a dream.  

He wanted to make a horror film with dolls. Sure, he had already done that in 1987 with the film Dolls, but he wanted to do it again.  

It's not as dramatic when you say it like that though.  

This is the film that started it all, people!  Does it hold up well in the wake of 8 other sequels, as well as numerous attempts to copy its success?

Basically, a man controls dolls that kill people.  There's more to it, but I prefer to leave out context sometimes.  Get out your stuffed dog for my review of...

The film begins in 1939 with a grainy shot of a hotel near a cliff.  Not the best place to build a hotel, but whatever.  If this footage looks and sounds familiar, it's because it was also used in the beginning of Puppet Master: Axis of Evil.  

Naturally, the last film made- as of this writing- begins with the footage that started the first film ever in the series!  Only in Full Moon films- I'm telling you!  

A tiny P.O.V. scene leads to Andre Toulon, here played William Hickey.  You don't appear to be a tall, gaunt character actor with a goatee.  When the Nazis show up at his door, he kills himself with a bullet to the skull.  So much for the guy who got revenge on the evil Nazis, stole an officer's identity and escaped the country, huh?  

Considering that the man who taunted a God, stole their power and escaped Egypt offed himself in a similar fashion, I guess it's just part for the course in this series.  

We jump ahead about fifty years to the same hotel.  Apparently, nothing of interest happened in the time between those two events.  Screw you, Puppet Master: Axis of Evil! 

 By the way, note how the Oriental (is it still okay to say that?) Puppet is put in the chest, but does not appear again.  Was he not cool enough, Charlie?  

To further compound this, his footage is used in the other film, and he still does nothing.  Ouch.

The whole film revolves around a group of people going to the same hotel from before.  For some reason, they're all psychics.  

I'm sure that won't come into play later.  

They segue into this is a seance, since there aren't enough horror films that include those.  I guess a Ouija Board would look silly.  The whole trip sounds like a fun affair, even if the characters are all jerks.  

However, the fun ends when they learn that their host is dead.  Naturally, one of the psychics pokes the body with a needle to verify his corpse status.  

What did you gain if he actually was alive exactly?  

This leads us to some filler where we get to learn about the characters' individual, psychic powers.  That will really matter a lot when you start killing them, Charlie!  Later that night, we see one of the dolls climb out of the man's grave.  Alright then.  

The doll kills one of the people off-camera with a poker while they're by the fireplace.  Note to self: next time I'm told to avoid a fireplace, I'll do it!  When the scream is heard, the people are surprised to also find the body of the dead man from earlier in a different place.  Those wacky dead people, huh?  

Two more of the psychics wander off to have sex.  Yeah, that's going to end well...

Sure enough, the pair die when two more dolls- Leech Woman and Tunneler.  Just to note: Leech Woman shouldn't exist, since she was made in 1941 according to Puppet Master 3.  No, I won't let that go!  

In the hallway, one of the other psychics is attacked by Blade, but she knocks it away.  Pinhead shows up and punches her via the 'Bruce Lee punches the camera' trick, but she knocks it away too.  

You know, for the film that set up the dolls as killers to be reckoned with, they kind of get their asses kicked by a girl here!  

They eventually take her down, however, redeeming their credibility.  All of this leads up to the big 'villain explains everything' monologue.  

What happened, you ask?  

Well, the dead guy from the beginning actually stole Toulon's formula from the case.  I'll try to ignore the inconsistency with how the formula works and the fact that the case was still at the hotel while we're here.  He's now immortal and has some killer dolls at his whim.  

Other than killing the remaining psychics, that's about the extent of his big, master plan.  I guess you have to start somewhere.  

When he shows his sadistic side more overtly, the dolls turn on him and torture him to death.  What's the moral here?  

In the 'it's not over' ending, we see the remaining woman go upstairs with the now-reanimated dog from earlier.  The End.

This movie...is not that great.  The plot is simple in theory, but confusing in practice.  The guy invites them to the hotel, kills himself and then uses the dolls to kill them.  He doesn't really need to, as far as I could tell.  

In fact, if he had just quietly killed himself and done this without the others there, he'd probably still be alive today.  I guess we can't always count on our villains to be logical, people!  

Aside from that, the humor is just weird.  Looking back at the film, you can see the basic outline which would guide the series along.  The dolls are brought to life with good stop-motion effects.  

However, they do skimp out on other effects.  Case in point: the whole beginning scene where Blade runs back to Toulon.  It's not bad- just made in a cheaper manner than it could have been.  The dolls and their actions are the star of the show.  T

o that end, the producers put off showing them in action until quite a ways in.  Wait- that doesn't really make sense?  It doesn't make it a bad film, mind you.  I just think it's important to know what they're going to get.  

If you haven't seen it yet, it's a fun enough film.  They would go on to make better films in this series...and worse.

Up next, we take a break from dolls and that damn hotel for the holidays.  Unfortunately, this does not mean that I can get away from low-budget crap.  Stay tuned...