Poor Bastards of Cinema: Shatter

As a bonus for yesterday's Review, here is another Poor Bastard...

In Shatter, the titular Spy is stuck in Hong Kong after a bad mission and laying low.  He's staying in a Hotel that is slightly more than just a Hotel.  Wink wink.

It seems that Shatter wasn't laying low enough...

Boom goes the dynamite- or in this case an RPG.

Naturally, they don't get Shatter, but they do get someone else...

So yeah him and the lady inside are killed.  Shatter lives just fine.

The lesson: apparently avoid proximity to Main Characters at all costs.  Guns don't kill people- Main Characters being near others kill people!

Rare Flix: Shatter

An idea this weird and random couldn't possibly go wrong.  This is hard to explain, so stay with me.  In their latter days, Hammer made a 3-Picture Deal with Shaw Brothers, another famous Studio.  They made...2 Films and this was the 2nd.  Why no 3rd Film?  Good question.  I'm guessing it had to do with money.  The first was The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires, an odd mix of Horror and Kung-Fu.  The Film is notable for a mostly Chinese Cast, save for a British Dracula and Peter Cushing in his final portrayal of Van Helsing.  Unfortunately, it is not that great, unless the idea of Dracula recoiling from a Golden Buddha makes a good Film for you.  So that leads us to today's Film- Shatter.  This 1974 Film also features Cushing and a mostly-Chinese Cast.  In addition, we have Stuart 'Remember When I Fought Giant Bunnies' Whitman playing the titular Spy.  In this Film, the Spy does a job, but then all things go to hell.  Will he live to kill another day?  To find out, read on...

Mr. Shatter kills an African Warlord and all goes pretty smoothly.  Kudos for the Camera Gun.

He goes to China (where he totally wasn't before!) and awaits payment for his mission.

The problem: he was tricked.  He was actually hired by a Mobster to do it.  Now he's stuck.

Why does this sound familiar?

He has to get the people behind the trick and he must turn to a decent Bruce Lee stand-in for that.

They get to Cushing (in one of his 3 Scenes) and set up a trap for the real culprits.

Sadly, not everyone makes it there.  To be fair, she was a sibling to one and a love interest to Shatter.

We get a decent kung-fu fight mixed with Whitman...not doing kung-fu (yea!) to wrap things up.

The real culprits (and their dummies) are taken care of in a pretty satisfactory way.

Whitman is paid off by Cushing (in his final Hammer Scene ever!) and leaves.  Okay.  The End.

An odd end for one of Hammer's finest.  The Film is honestly not that bad, despite its reputation.  It was once a hard-to-find Film, apparently skipping a VHS Release.  It is available now- obviously- and turned out to be pretty good.  There is some dispute over the Film's Credits as well.  Basically, they hired a guy to Direct it...and then eventually fired him before it was done.  Thankfully, the President of Hammer was there to finish the job...and take the sole Directing Credit.  According the original Director on Commentary, most of what he shot still ended up in the final Film, so...weird.  The good and bad parts here are the mix of Genres.  It is mostly-Kung-Fu, with a dash of Spy thrown in.  You don't get any cool gadgets after the Camera Gun, so just enjoy that one.  As a Kung-Fu Film, it works quite well.  As a Spy Film, it is a bit lacking.  Although it is *amazingly* similar to the basic Plot of Burn Notice.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  It is such an exact Plot though...so I don't know.  Regardless, this is a forgotten little Film that you would never guess was Produced by Hammer.  They were better at Horror though.  Right, Japanese Hitler?

Next up, let's jump to the 00s and see some crap.  When in doubt, go Bigfoot.  Stay tuned...

Review in Pictures: Tai Chi Zero

In spite of horrible environmental standards, economic equality and constant attempts at cyber-hacking, I'm not mad at China.  Why?  Well, they make great movies like Red Cliff, silly films like The Dragon Lives Again and crazy stuff like today's film.  That film- Tai Chi Zero.  This recent Import film is a fun, action-filled comedy with lots of kung-fu action.  What more could I ask for?  The film is all about a young man who must learn kung-fu to save his life...by getting his ass-kicked by an entire village.  Hillary Clinton's words have never been taken this much out of context!  I really liked this film for its crazy action, quirky humor and stylish visuals.  As such, I want you all to see it.  You know what that means- a Review In Pictures!  To get a taste of how crazy this film gets, read on...

A young man is born with a special gift- which gets used to kick people's asses for vague reasons.

However, after a friend suffers the most bad-ass heroic death ever, he seeks his own fate.  Meanwhile, the technological revolution comes knocking at Chen Village.

 ****

 ***

Chen Village, meanwhile, is a town that holds the secret to some super-secret, super-powerful kung-fu.  To learn it, our hero must fight the town...which is not exactly a cake walk.

Oh and the technological revolution knocks much louder the second time- in the form of a giant, cylindrical death machine!

 ***

 ***

I wouldn't DARE SPOIL the Third Act of the film, other than with this out-of-context shot of people being hit by fruit and this guy getting tackled.

To see the fun-filled, wacky finale, watch the movie!  The End.

 ***

Seriously, go see this movie!  I like stuff like this- sue me.  The action is fun, the comedy is fun and the whole movie just has a quirky vibe to it that I like.  It's not the most complicated story out there, but it isn't trying to be.  The movie plays with things that we take for granted like normal Credits.  I love that all of the Actors are credited on-screen once they appear, often with humorous descriptions like the one below.  This movie is fun- it's simple as that.  It's also build-up to Tai Chi Hero, a film that I will be eagerly-awaiting for via Netflix.  I'm sure that I'll enjoy it two years- give or take a week.  While I do that, go watch this movie.  Seriously, it has 'Leung Siu-Iung as Master Dong' (He's a 70s Kung-Fu Superstar).'  What more do you need?

Next up, the third film in George A. Romero's dubious SECOND Dead Trilogy.  In contrast to Diary, this film is only...mostly-bad.

Newer Crap: The Warrior's Way

Could 5 film viewers be wrong?  In the winter of 2010, a weird film came out called The Warrior's Way.  It was a hybrid of a Western and a Wuxia film.  It was not exactly clear why this film was made or why they thought that it would be a hit.  Despite nobody seeing it and the film losing millions, it got a DVD release (no doubt to appease the studio) and I finally saw it.  What is the plot of this dud?  A samurai warrior abandons his blood feud with another group of samurai and moves to the Old West to find peace.  Naturally, war and strife follows him there, making life hell for 'Lois Lane' and 'Barbossa.'  Is the film worthy of attention or deserving of its flop status?  Let's find out as we try to decipher...

Our hero is billed as the Greatest Swordsman in the World...well, after he kills the Greatest in one move.  I should mention this fact right away- our hero is freaking invincible!

Rather than finishing out the contract and killing the last of the rival clan (a baby), he goes to the Old West to see a friend.  However, since the guy is dead when he gets there, let's just consider him to be a plot device!

The town is full of characters, including a bunch of circus clowns, a black midget and- the craziest of them all- a woman who speaks her mind.  Quick- burn her!!!

They have a romance/friendship blossom by way of him training her to fight with swords.  Like most romances, it flourishes when he starts chucking rocks at her.

We get some past violence via flashback, but otherwise no real action for a good thirty minutes.  Thank God I totally care about these people and their...um, well, JUST DO SOMETHING!!!

The rustlers from the beginning return and try to kill everyone.  Our heroes gather an elite force of a drunk sniper in a carousel, the Swordsman, some clowns and the midget.  Cower in their presence!

Of course, our hero is freaking God, Musashi and Steven Seagal rolled into one, so he takes out everyone in sight.

It doesn't even matter when the ninjas from his own clan show up.  He just cuts them in half without even looking at them!  You probably think that I'm kidding, but I'm not.  The final fight is five minutes long- but only because three and a half of them are a flashback.

I won't SPOIL the ending for you here, but I will give you this silly image with no context.  The End.

There's a line and you've leaped over it!  The plot of this movie is goofy, strange and unfocused.  Unlike Dahmer vs. Gacy, it's not full of random sub-plots that don't matter.  Instead, it just throws a bunch of characters into the story and drags its feet for about forty-five minutes.  Do I care about the midget?  Do I care about the lady's revenge plot?  Do I care about the damn baby?  Not in the slightest.  The movie teases you with action (albeit silly) in the early going and then says 'enjoy this boring film in the middle.'  No thank you.  I'd rather just watch a silly film, thank you.  I've already watched cloned serial killers, Nazi werewolves and Vampire Hitler this week- I can take it!  This movie does not realize who its audience is and splits its narrative into two parts- an interesting one and a boring as hell one.  None of this is terrible, mind you, but it just leaves you either wanting more action or more 'life in the West.'  You can't have your cake and go play Badminton too.  If you can deal with those movie's case of D.I.D., check it out.  Take us away, Deleted Scene that reveals the over-use of Green Screen...

Up next, the week is wrapped up with a silly film by a Director who's famous for a Conservative propaganda film.  This movie, however, is a cavalcade of 'almost stars' in a generic plot.  Stay tuned...
  

Instant Foreign: Jade Warrior

A Finnish man walks into a Chinese epic and...wait, what?  That's the basic premise of this bizarre, Finnish/Chinese production.  I mean, what is going on here?  Essentially, a guy from Finland thought that he was a good martial-artist and wanted to make a movie showing that.  There are worse reasons to make a movie, I suppose.  The problem is that this whole thing is silly, slow-paced and convoluted.  For all of you who thought that the 'how the Matrix works' explanation from Matrix: Reloaded was confusing, you haven't seen anything yet!  If you thought that the entire plot of Izo was confusing,...well, it is.  This one is also weird and confusing though.  Oh yeah, the whole plot involves a giant metal box and a similarity between two words from two different stories.  To solve the riddle, polish up this...

The film begins with some people out in the snow that decide to shoot a wolf.  Don't worry, it will live...with that arrow through it's neck!  We are abruptly thrown into the present day in a plot involving a woman selling some metal to a scrap salesman.  It was made by her boyfriend, who is apparently a blacksmith- just not a good one.  The guy from the shop tracks him down and...asks for some hair from his head.  I don't know- just go with it.  It all involves him trying to open some sort of magic box that contains...something.  He hires our hero to build stuff for him, but he has the audacity to interrupt the guy's suicide attempt to do so.  Somehow, the guy ends up in, well, The Matrix and gets his ass kicked by the middle-aged guy.  In the other plot, our hero (the same guy, but with black hair) abandons his mission to kill the last son of an evil witch in exchange for 'living one day as a normal man.'  In reality, he abandons his mission entirely to make eyes at some lady.  Wow, you're a great hero!

This confusing plot continues to get odder and odder.  Our hero continues his romance with the woman from the village and continues to ignore his duty.  Due to lazy screenwriting, we are never told how long he is actually there.  Who cares about facts?!?  In the real world, our hero is hired by the ass-kicking Finnish man to build...something.  He is pretty vague about the whole thing, both to the blacksmith and the audience.  It has something to do with the story in the past, as well as the mysterious object that is mentioned in both stories.  All we know is that our hero is not that good at crafting metal.  What does he need to improve?  It's quite simple- he has to get along with the metal.  No, really.  The only high-point of this movie so far is an over-the-top fight/flirt session between our hero and the girl.  Even that is just okay.  We're almost home, folks!

All of the film so far has been building up to two things- the reveal of what's in the magic box and the fight in the past between our hero and the witch's son.  Unfortunately, both climaxes are silly and, well, a bit of a letdown.  The box contains some sort of evil energy that shoots out into the sky and is supposed to be sinister.  When your effect makes me think of The Wizard of Oz's anniversary, it's not that sinister!  The other moment comes down to our hero facing off with the villain, the bad guy giving a speech and subsequently being decapitated without a fight.  How pointless.  In the present day, we get a showdown between the blacksmith and the middle-aged guy, who is the vessel for the beheaded guy...I think.  They don't say that implicitly, but I think that's what's happening.  Despite being hit in the face with a hammer several times, our hero doesn't die and manages to win the fight.  In the past, our hero learns that the guy we saw at the very beginning was the long-lost fiancee of our hero's girl, so he feels bad...for some reason.  He goes off into the snow and dies, while the blond version of him lives happily ever after.  Okay then.  The End.

What the hell was that?!?  The plot of this movie is all over the map- literally and figuratively!  It's bad enough that we have a plot split between two characters, but it also involves two different countries, Eras of human history and languages.  It would be easier to follow if one of them was a fly and the other was Godzilla!  Aside from this problem, the plot you can actually follow either makes no sense, has no purpose or is just dull.  I never thought that I'd see a Finnish Wuxia film, let alone one that is so freaking dull!  How did they mess this thing up?  I didn't expect this movie to necessarily be good, but I did expect it to be a glorious train wreck.  Sadly, this film is just not interesting.  I was not expecting this movie to turn out this bad.  I guess I'll have to wait until the next Finnish Wuxia film to see if this sub-sub-genre can be salvaged.

Next up, Iceland treats us to a unique horror film.  By 'unique,' of course, I mean that it's a TCM rip-off...with whalers.  Stay tuned...

Foreign Flicks: Mr. Hercules Against Karate

That's what killed Vaudeville!  If you hate comedy and hate good fight scenes, I have a movie for you!  This obscure, import comedy features bad jokes, bad dubbing, bad fight scenes and an amazing lack of logic.  In one regard, it is a sight to behold.  Of course, the sight of, say, a man having sex with a goat is something strange too, but I don't recommend looking at it!  What is this bizarre movie?  Brought to us by the usually-good Antonio Margheriti (aka the guy who's name is referenced in Inglorious Basterds), this Italian comedy starts out in Australia and eventually moves to China & claims that it's characters are American.  In other words, it finds a way to offend at least four nationalities in one fell swoop!  The plot is simple- an inexplicably-strong guy and his lanky friend get hired to rescue a kid in China.  'Comedy' and 'hijinx' ensue.  In a bizarre move, the film's comedy is terrible, but everything else is a riot.  Prepare to not laugh as we see the challenge of...

The film begins with a bearded man and his friend working at a Construction Site.  Well, one of them is working.  The other one- the never-called-that-Mr. Hercules- is defying the laws of Gravity by carrying the beam from one end and somehow keeping it straight.  For being stupid and illogical, the pair of fired by their boss, an even-fatter Blofeld.  We cut to the pair eating lunch at the Site...even though they were fired.  The boss even asks about this, but his second-in-command explains things.  Who's in charge again?  In the next scene, we see the two...at work again.  When a film manages to make the idea of 'whether or not the two main characters are fired or not' confusing as all hell, what hope is there for the actual plot?  Mr. Hercules pulls on a cord, managing to pull down an oil rig.  The firing actually sticks this time- thank God- and the two contemplate splitting up.  They don't and instead go to a Chinese Restaraunt...in Australia.  I don't know- just go with it.  Hercules does a 'wacky' gag where he makes a giant bologna sandwich.  Ugh.  A random group of athletes show up and a fight ensues.  Despite showing Superman-level strength earlier, he doesn't instantly kill these guys.  The pair end up being hired by the owner to bring back his son from his ex-wife.  Off to China!

More terrible comedy and inconsistency ensue.  For example, Hercules tries to open the window on a plane.  Note the word 'tries' there, people!  He can pull down an oil rig, but that's too much for him?!?  They wander around the city, running across a random group of feuding martial artists on the ferry.  The guys get out of their vans, fight and just kind of leave when the thing stops- odd!  We get a romance sub-plot, which is just nauseating.  Hercules randomly-alternates between being an idiot (using chopsticks as toothpicks) and smart (referencing Shakespeare), all of which his new lady eats up.  We meet the villain of the movie, a generic Chinese businessman who has a Geisha wife with an ungodly amount of make-up on her face.  Seriously, she makes the lady from Vamp look toned down.  The guy finds out that the Restaurant owner sent our heroes over, so he sends his one-eyed henchman and some thugs.  Yeah, that doesn't work.  While we get more 'humor,' we see the villain sends in for a new guy- a Samurai.  You guys got the major Asian countries mixed up, guys!  He also doesn't use a sword, wear armor or put on shoes.  Good grief!

The good news: the film throws in some action.  The bad news: the film throws in stupid action.  We get a long sequence where the pair get split up, leading to the lanky guy doing all of the fighting.  Yes, let's see the guy without alternating levels of super-strength.  After that, they get picked up by the Police and asked to help find the villain.  Yeah, they were already doing that.  This plot thread goes pretty much nowhere, save for resolving the very end.  The romance sub-plot ends in the women being captured and the two guys going to save them.  They must face off with the villain's two henchman: the Samurai and...a Sumo Wrestler.  Wrong Asian country...again!  In a random moment, the lanky guy breaks a stool over Hercules' head, leading him to say this obtuse 'joke'" "That's what killed Vaudeville."  HUH?!?!?  Our heroes win, but the villain and his overly-made-up lady flee with the kid in tow.  They try to flee in a small plane, but Hercules holds it back with his bare hands!  Consistency for crying out loud!  The lanky guy has to land the plane in a five-minute filler scene as Hercules eats some cherries with the kid.  Uh-oh, there are jewels in there.  Insert bathroom joke here.  The quartet leave with some jewels- I hope you washed them!- as a Buddha statue randomly talks to them.  The End.

Is anyone really laughing?  The plot of this movie is a mess, mixing an overly-simple plot with bad execution that makes even that hard to follow.  A lot of this is not helped by the dubbing, but I doubt that this film was Rashomon in Italian!  The humor, as I mentioned, is either overly-broad or just plain terrible.  The best humor of the film is when it can't agree on how strong 'Hercules' is.  In the Lunchroom scene, he gently sets his hands down on a table, flipping it forward.  In a later scene, he does the same thing and nothing happens.  Oh, I forgot that most places keep springs under their tables!  There is a bizarre, train-wreck quality to this film that cannot be explained.  I'm not necessarily sorry that I watched this movie, as I have seen worse.  After all, it wasn't made by the Polonia Brothers!  If you want to see a bizarre culmination of non-sequitur ideas, this is your movie!  If you want to watch a clever comedy, this is not.  I will say this: it is on streaming (as of this writing), so at least you aren't wasting a rental on it.  Remember, 'that's what killed Vaudeville.'

Next up, I cover my first Russian film.  This one is a fantasy epic that is long, bizarre and a bit confusing.  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Duel to the Death

Life can be hard, but at least you have your God on your side, right? Well, not if you are this poor Monk from my favorite ninja movie of all time.

If you have not read the full review, the plot revolves around the annual duel between China and Japan's best fighters. This draws in a lot of people, including the man who is today's subject.

In only his second scene, he is attacked by ninjas. Not just any ninjas though. They first appear as a giant ninja, turn into several sand-burrowing ones and finally one naked lady ninja, who throws a net on him. He spends the rest of the movie captured until he is released by our Chinese hero. This is where things start to look up...

The Chinese man refuses to go on with the duel and decides to leave with the Monk. To spur him on to fight, the Japanese man jumps up and kills the Monk! What did he do to deserve that?!?

Up next, some poor guys die in a Lambert film for...being somewhere, I guess. Stay tuned...

Wuxia Week: Dragon Tiger Gate

I'd like to finish up this celebration of fantastical Chinese cinema with a film that is very much in the vein of Wuxia. As some of you might know, The Evil Cult was one of the last films of the 'boom period' for this style of cinema back in 1993. When this big-budget epic did not do well, the people behind-the-scenes saw the market as a lost cause. It is sort of like how Alexander was the last gasp of the massively-budgeted fantasy/period-piece action films. Now, jump ahead fifteen years to this film, which is an adaptation of a popular comic book over there. While not traditional Wuxia, this film is very much its 'weird cousin.' You know, the guy who looks sort of like you and wants to play with you, even though he looks a bit 'off.' Is this movie worthy of cutting in line to get some cake? Will I end this analogy sometime today? Find out in my review of...

Dragon Tiger Gate

The film begins with a fairly brief narration explaining the basic back-story. Basically, there is a good Dojo/facility that offers training to all of a pure heart that want to learn. Two brothers were being groomed to take over when one of them joined up with the real world instead. The two of them must work together to be a real strong force for good though. Make note of all of this and see how much of it becomes 100% true later.

*

Our story begins with a young woman approaching a giant restaurant right out of Tom Yung Gong. She meets with two older men on the top floor about a seal. Why am I having Ninjas and Dragons flashbacks now? This object is of great symbolic importance as two gangs battle for control of it. No clear reason is given for its value other than this, so let's go with it. Meanwhile, at the bottom, our hero is eating lunch with his friends. A group of thugs from the one waiting for their boss downstairs start harassing some family at their table. Our hero jumps in and kicks their asses right quick. He sends a couple of them flying away in our first- but definitely not last- sign of this movie's crazy attitude. This alerts more of them who attack him one-at-a-time and get their asses handed to them. One great take-down involves a man jumping from the stairs and aiming for a table. He hopes to get around our hero, but he takes one leg out on the object with a sweep, causing the man to crash-and-burn. Another guy emerges from the crowd and can actually hold his own for more than two seconds. The film does not bother to tell us who he is yet though. A complete coincidence causes the seal to fall through a hole in the floor and our hero's friend takes it. Dun dun dun!

*

We cut a bit later to a different restaurant where our hero and his friends are out celebrating. Earlier, we saw the evil business man send the lone tough guy and his wormy lackey out to get the item back, along with about 100 other 'red shirts.' They attack, but our hero's friends prove to be complete wusses in this, one of their only three scenes. We learn that our hero and company were drugged earlier, which makes the other heavy mad. He finally snaps when the lackey threatens him, leading to an all-out brawl. For his sins, the bad guy gets tossed into the ceiling and slammed through a table. Smackdown! All sense of logic and sanity go out the window as two men take on 100 without getting hit, even when said guys have swords. The fight ends up in the next room where an oddly-blond man is sitting. He brings his two nunchaku into the fight as well, sending more men flying. The slimy guy gets away and the seal is returned to its original owner. Our hero goes back to the D.T.G. and tells his master that he met with his brother again. Oh, thanks for holding out on us, movie! In addition, the nunchaku guy shows up there as well, but is refused entry. Apparently, mystique and unnatural hair is not enough.

*

Starting now, the plot gets pretty elaborate and confusing. We are introduced to a lady that is the daughter of the evil businessman that the older brother works for. We also meet a different lady who has a huge crush on the same brother. This is all due to a flashback scene where he caught her falling out of a tree. She seduces him by letting him draw a tattoo on her shoulder- no, really- only to reveal that it was all a trick to keep him away from the businessman. Why? So that he can be assassinated in the middle of a baseball field. Our second hero bolts over- after slapping the lady- and tries to save the day, but arrives too late. He is wounded in the fight however. Meanwhile, we are suddenly introduced to a new villain who is going to battle our heroes. Do they all have to do that? Just look at Kung-Fu Hustle for another example of this. He kills the Master of D.T.G. and beats up his two lead pupils. The first lady takes those two a different great master to heal them, which he eventually does after 'dicking her around.' Meanwhile, the other lady uses some vague mystic arts to heal the other man, but dies after revealing- via another flashback- that the villain attacked her for being too nice. All three of our heroes, fresh with new power, go to fight the man. Oddly, they never fight together. Instead, the two men show up, lose and then the older brother shows up and wins. Way to build up the brothers working together, film. The End.

*

Wow, this movie was just weird. Admittedly, most works that I have seen adapted from manga or anime (i.e. Battlefield Baseball, Riki-Oh, etc) have been odd as well. This film is rich in its mythology and does not do the best job of condensing it all for one film. There are a few too many characters for a film that is usually of this length and style. With that said, the action is great and full of silly CG effects. It is hard not to think of Kung-Fu Hustle here, but the film is slightly more realistic. Of course, I say that about a movie where a man learns a defensive technique for his nunchaku that creates a large 'bell' around him. I would also be remiss without mentioning the Dali-esque headquarters that the evil villain has or the part where he falls hundreds of feet down a passageway. You would think that he would have ended up in America by that point! The mix of comedy and drama is handled pretty well and the film is enjoyable. It is extremely silly, but I really liked it. Fans of fantastical kung-fu will have a good time here.

*

Thus ends Wuxia Week. Up next is a special update for all of the workers out there. Stay tuned...

Wuxia Week: The Evil Cult

How do you describe a movie like this? How do you rationalize pure insanity in a way that makes any sense? Hmm...maybe I just should not try. This is a pure example of how Wuxia can just go completely 'off of the rails' and not ground itself in any logic. If you look at this movie for normal storytelling and logic, you are just going to be disappointed. If, however, you can fall in line with the narrative's craziness and play along, you will have a damn good time. Have I piqued your curiosity enough yet? If so, read on to my review of...

The Evil Cult

The film begins with a long prologue about how a secret text of kung-fu knowledge exists and has been sought out by everyone. Eventually, one sect got their hands on it and, feeling that it was too dangerous to be let loose, kept it locked away. We see a mass of kung-fu masters at their gates asking to have it. One head lady fights with all of the people to get what she wants, but is put down when the Master (Sammo Hung) shows up. The young leader (Jet Li's father in the film) tells them that he will 'take care of the situation himself.' He proceeds to summon up a ton of energy and...cause his heart to shoot out of his chest! Holy crap! I bet you did not see that shit coming! When pressed on the issue by the others, his mother cuts her throat! Bear in mind that Li's character is there for all of this. At least that is the only tragedy of his life. Oh right, I forgot to mention how he was attacked earlier and 'could not learn kung-fu.' That wasn't important, was it?

*

In present day, adult-form, Li learns about a secret technique that cure his unspecified ails. His Master explains that a crazy old master knew it, but he was bested in combat. He also tells Jet about how, despite being over 100 years old, he can still 'get it up.' Thanks, I needed to know that. His character's son bullies our hero for a while until he meets up with the defeated master from earlier. He manages to trick the man into attacking him with the Solar Stance, thus curing him of his ailment. Wow, it's hard to imagine why this got got defeated. By the way, the man has retained all of his power, in spite of his spine being broken and his body being chained to a rock. This also gives Jet amazing powers that outclass all of his other rivals, yet again proving that years of training are no substitute for sheer, dumb luck and/or magic. Unfortunately, the other clans have still not gotten over the whole issue with the sword and the ancient text. The evil people- including some warlords and a kung-fu vampire- are out to get him, although the good clans have some edginess to them as well.

*

I'll be honest with you: this plot is nearly impossible to follow properly at this point. People betray each other, lots of fights break out and two guards joke about who they want to rape. Wait, that last part sounds bad...unfortunately, it is real. They at least balance this out by having the vampire guy bite someone on the ass. Wait, that only makes it worse. The real selling point of the film is not the humor or the story: it is the action! People fly in completely improbable ways, shoot energy and do not die, even seven or eight swords go into their chests. Near the end, Jet Li's character learns 'Magic Stance' by looking at some walls in a room that he is trapped in. It supposedly takes years to learn, but, as we know from that old Sci-Fi Channel commercial, Jet defies most laws of common sense. He kicks lots of ass with it, but, just to be strange, a plot device keeps him from using it in one of the final fights. His enemies are not bound by any rules, which becomes clear when they fire super-heated sand at our hero. Hey, don't look at me- I don't make this stuff up. He manages to kill them using a giant bell and the stick used to strike it. Unfortunately, just as it gets really good...it ends. Why? Because of the planned sequel that has yet to be made.

*

Don't be too down. They are actually releasing the sequel to Sword and the Sorcerer this year. Anything is possible.

*

If you look at this film as a normal movie, you will be sorely disappointed. It is complicated, confusing and, at times, completely dumb. Let's be honest though: this is Wuxia. Does logic and normality apply? If you want normality, watch Ran. If you want to see Jet Li fly around and battle a vampire, watch The Evil Cult. Is the DVD quality great? Not really. Is the subtitle work great? Again, not really. Like many films of this ilk, it suffers from problems related to the choice of white as the subtitle color. Hey guys, let me give you a hint: white is a very popular color in Wuxia movies. Why don't you pick gold or something next time? I can guarantee that you will not see another movie quite like Cult. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? You decide!

*

Let's close out this week with a Wuxia movie set...in the present day? Will it work? Stay tuned...

A Rare Case: The Dragon Lives Again

I'm used to foreign people being credited in movies under fake names. Joe D'amato is a famous one, as is Lewis Coates (aka Luigi Cozzi) and Clyde Anderson (aka Claudio Fragrasso). What is A Rare Case, however, is having an action star billed by a character's name that was not his own. On top of that, a lady is billed rather oddly on the same page. Check it out...

Just for the record, the man is playing 'James Bond.' Don't worry, I will talk about why in a future review. The lady is playing a version of famous porn character 'Emmanuelle,' although I don't know why it has to be from North Europe. Apparently, she doesn't have a last name, like Madonna and Sting. Yeah...that's it.

*

Up next, a company screws up by being early? Stay tuned...

Wuxia Week: Duel to the Death

I will go right out and say it: I love this movie to death. It's the first film that I have rented via Netflix and said 'I need to own this!' Others have certainly followed, but your first time is always the best...or extremely awkward. In many ways, the plot of this movie will seem familiar, at least on the surface, to the film Duel of the Century. While that is true, this movie is 100% its own creation and proud of it. This Chinese-Japanese co-production is really great and you should own it already. Don't believe me? Check out my review of...

Duel to the Death

Our story begins with ninjas running down at a road at Benny Hill-esque speeds. They break into a Shaolin Monastery by way of reversing flip footage and go to work. They browse the library until they find a book they need and copy its text down. During their escape, they are discovered by the Monks and the fight is on! For some reason, the Elders don't want our hero to fight, but he ignores them eventually. It all moves down to the beach where the ninjas bury the script in the sand go all Taliban on the monks by suicide-bombing themselves! I bet you didn't see that coming! A bit later, the lead Japanese spokesman visits the Temple in preparation for the annual duel between China and Japan. Being a jerk, he gets dragged into a pointless fight with one of the lead Monks. This is here to show that the Chinese only fight when they must. Jingoism against the Japanese or foreshadowing- you be the judge!

*

We are introduced to our Japanese hero by way of him teaching a kid to beat up another one. Hurray? He is very dutiful to his Emperor, another plot point that will come into play later. We also learn that some sort of hijinks are going on behind the scene. The man is attacked by a masked assassin, but kills him...only to learn that it was his master testing him. Japan is a strange place, huh? Meanwhile, we meet the Chinese hero's master: a drunken idiot who flips around and has a parakeet. That added a lot, movie. After the puppeteer scene mentioned earlier, the ninjas return and fight a new lady character introduced earlier. They take back the scroll from the beginning and are joined in battle by our Chinese hero. They retaliate by...throwing salt at them and flipping? Alright then. Both of our heroes meet up the key training area in the province and meet its master...who is sitting on a small boat in the middle of a pond. They jump over to him, but he moves away. This brings us the first insane use of physics. One of them kicks off of his sword blade in mid-air, while the other tosses his sword onto the water's surface and jumps off of it. Wow.

*

The ninjas take center stage at this point and they are freaking awesome. The Master from the school earlier is attacked by a giant ninja. If you freeze frame it, the effect is gone though. The giant splits into four ninjas who...burrow into the ground like Bugs Bunny. They fly out at times and attack him. Okay, where is Stephen Chow's hand in this film? The last one leaps and reveals...a naked lady ninja who throws a net on the man. A little bit later, a fighter with a bad gray wig is attacked by a group of ninjas riding in on kites. Seriously? At a grave site of fallen warriors, some ninjas explode out of the ground and attack our heroes! They fly around like Peter Pan, but still fail. At one point, they even do the old 'poison on a string' drop bit! We learn that the Japanese have sent in these ninjas to capture all the warriors that are naturally drawn to the fight. The Chinese man pursues them through the woods as they fly with the boxes of warriors (really) by way of flipping around in tightly-edited shots. When he gets back, he finds the Master has had his legs cut off and runs in...to a trap? We learn via monologue that the man was actually born without legs and had hid it for his entire life. What hell the?!?

*

The movie features what I call the greatest 5 seconds of Cinematic History. The Japanese man cuts one ninja from head to toe in one swing and stabs another one that is behind him. That man's body explodes...for some reason and the hero falls to the ground. A moment later, he stabs the ground, causing blood to fly out from a hidden ninja. Top that!

*

All of the men are rescued from the ninja and the evil plotter meets an interesting, bloody end. I won't spoil that whole thing for you here. When the Chinese man refuses to fight now, the Japanese man kills the old master. See- I told you that plot point would come back, didn't I? They fight and holy crap is it bloody! Both men flip around and get wounded all over. Their action causes the rocks beneath them to shatter! Our Chinese hero gets one arm lopped off and loses all of the fingers on his other hand! Maybe you shouldn't grab the blade with your hand, dude! In the end, both men are bleeding all over, but who wins? The movie never tells us as it awkwardly freeze-frames. Um, you decide? The End.

*

Do you see why I love this movie? It has ninjas flipping everywhere and turning into giant people! People get cut up all the time in flashy and bloody fashion. There is some silly stuff and real stodgy stuff in there (like the bit where the duo discuss their national plants for a moment), but it is easily forgiven for the action. On top of that, the DVD actually has a good transfer and *shock* the original audio track with subtitles. I don't know if any editing was done, but it does not feel like it. If you want to see kite ninjas, go get this movie already. What's stopping you? Not me.

*

Up next, Jet Li learns kung-fu from a man chained to a giant rock. Intrigued? Stay tuned...

Magical Moments: Ninja Wars

You know that this week is special when I bring back a segment that has not been seen since May. Personally, I hate this movie, but feel that one completely insane scene has to be known. I do not recommend this movie by any stretch of the imagination! When Chinese cinema does ninjas badly, they really go for broke! I would also be remiss without mentioning Sonny Chiba's 'pivotal' role of two scenes that add nothing. In spite of this, he is featured on the cover seen below prominently and has top-billing. Enough stalling- check out the insane use of magic from...

Ninja Wars

The plot is too complicated to give in detail. What you need to know: the villains have kidnapped a princess and need her for a spell. Apparently, the thing needs the tears of a virgin. Wait- they have a plot device that also showed up in The Killer Tomatoes Eat France?!? When she learns this, she does the only logical thing: she cuts off her head via ninja magic (aka waving her arm in front of her throat). This causes no blood splatter. I mention this last part for a reason that will be clear later.

*

What do the villains do in reaction to this? Grab another woman and cut her head off! This causes a Lone Wolf and Cub-style blood fountain to come up! Holy crap! Acting quickly, they put the Princess' head on that body and use magic to attach it. That's thinking outside the box, guys! Unfortunately, the payoff to this scene is a love potion being used on a fat lady who should definitely not be topless on screen. You're paying my therapist bills, guys!

*

Up next, an in-depth look at the use of magic in a New Concorde barbarian series. Stay tuned...

Wuxia Week: Fearless Fighters

Want to see a Wuxia movie that actually has its own separate DVD release and only a fairly-crappy transfer? In fairness, it was released by Image Entertainment, the same company that made the version of Plan 9 From Outer Space that I own. Anchor Bay they are not, people. Anyhow, this DVD does give you a sign of how low kung-fu fans like myself have set our expectations by way of this sentence: 'In this DVD's defense, it does give us the original audio track.' That back-handed compliment aside, there is plenty more to say about this movie. Let's cut right to the chase and talk about...

Fearless Fighters

The film begins with one of the oddest and silliest opening scenes in Wuxai history. Our hero slaps a tree, leaps through the air, lands (in typical two-shot fashion) and has a sword full of impaled leafs. He pulls them off of the blade and...throws them like ninja stars into a tree. How does...why does...oh, screw it. The film proper begins with a horse transport of gold being attacked by some robbers. The first guy fires an arrow, only to have it thrown back at him. Marvel at this film editing trick...the first of the 100 times it is used in this film. The lone good fighter is poisoned via an arrow (a different one) and flees. Unfortunately for our robbers, another person shows up and stops them. This man (our hero from earlier) takes the gold by just leaping up from the ground to the top of a hill with the chest in hand. Yeah, that makes sense.

The poisoned old man goes home, gives up his whip and then dies. Thanks for playing, good sir! Our hero hides the gold...at his house, which the villain shows up at...because he's his brother! Dun dun d...damn, I should have picked a better spot. The first lackeys throw daggers, so you can guess what happens to them, can't you? While the man is away, his family is killed, the gold is stolen and he is arrested for the crime. They jump ahead a month and establish our four heroes: the two children (one male and one female) of the whip-user, a lady who intercedes and the original lead...who has a beard now. The first lady wants to kill our hero because she thinks that he is the thief, while her brother is ambivalent to a fault. He never gets mad about the whole thing, which feels really forced and silly. The other lady...just happens to show up and save the lone kid left in our hero's clan, which is enough for her. The villain gets mad that his brother escaped and hires a bunch of killers. Do you want a scene of random guys showing off what their weapons can do? Good thing.

Fearless is basically just a semblance of talking, fight scene, a little more talking, a lot more fighting, etc. One scene really encompasses the tone and style of this movie: the field fight. Bandits show up and the bearded hero fights. More show up and the lady fights. A third shows up, you guessed it, the other guy fights. Literally once the assassin introduction scene ends, they are fighting our heroes. What kind of segue is that guys? Oh yeah, my favorite guy (the Solar Ray of Death guy) goes down after one guy throws 'leaf darts' at him and they stab him as he lies prone on the ground. Dammit! The guy with the Klingon swords gets kicked into one of his prone weapons against a tree. Kind of cool, but very telegraphed. The kick-ass One Man Army guy seemingly kills our hero, only for his old master to save him from the fall (not shown), graft a replacement arm and leg on him (also not shown) and send him on his way (shown). After the other three heroes go off and fight the lead villain,- who has a sword and claw gloves- he shows up and kills people using his knife cane and 'launcher limbs.' When all three go down to one man (they all suck, apparently), our hero shows up and whoops the man in two minutes. The End.

Yeah, it just ends abruptly like that. A lot of these movies do that. I don't know why.

This movie is a good example of everything that is both right and wrong about Wuxia. On the positive, the action is fun, the editing techniques used are silly and the plot is minimalist. On the negative, the action is full of cliches, the editing looks ridiculous and the plot is minimalist. There are more edits in this than a Dick Cheney letter! The focus on the weapons is neat, but is not as good as such films as The Legendary Weapons of China. This film is definitely not the best kung-fu film ever (I'll get to one of those tomorrow), but is fun- plain and simple. If you want to see what Wuxia looks like, I would recommend this movie. If you want a good plot that does not feature implausible action, bad matte paintings and an overabundance of editing tricks, go rent Ran.

Up next, a film that almost features more ninjas than it does lines of dialogue. So, yeah, I love this movie and you will too. Stay tuned...